Ur my bff: Friendship and Judaism in
the 21st Century
Hanegev Spring Convention 2010
Materials Prepared by Amy Dorsch, USY Education Coordinator
Sicha 1: How We Get Along…Through Song!
The Jewish Perspective on Friendship, Faithfulness
and Loyalty
Goals:
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USYers will define true friendship and explore the components true
friendship such as loyalty, faithfulness and trust through pop songs and
Jewish text.
USYers will apply these ideas to real life situations and “dilemmas in
friendship.”
Materials:

Copies of Ve’ahavta L’reyecha sourcebook (or copies of pages as
handouts)
 Songs (attached) and Corresponding Sourcebook pages:
Lean on Me, With A Little Help From My Friends, Help! I Need Somebody:
Pages 7 and 23, Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) 4:12, 4:9-10
 Jewish texts that illustrate loyalty and faithfulness:
David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi- pages 31, 32, 33
Scenario 1 on page 30 of sourcebook
 For fun: pages 23 and 34 of sourcebook
Step 1: Create an Experience
Ask for 5 volunteers to stand up (varying in body size). Pull them aside and ask
them to create a human pyramid of 3 on bottom, 2 in middle and 1 on top.
As the pyramid shakes, explain to the group that this pyramid symbolizes
components of true friendship, that although friendship can be shaky, if it has
a good foundation, it can remain in tact.
Ask:
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Point to the three people on the bottom: What qualities or character
traits would you label as the “base” of friendship, the foundation that
all quality friendship finds its roots? Give examples of this trait in action.
What is secondary but still important (the 2 people)? Give examples
Finally, what is at the top of the pyramid, important but not central?
Give examples.
Step 2: Discuss the experience
Ask: What were to happen if you were to remove the top piece (the pyramid
would not really be affected). Ask the top person to try and come down
What would happen if you were to remove a piece of the base (one of the core
characteristics of true friendship)?!? Don’t even attempt to remove anyone
from the base- it’s dangerous but proves your point!
Step 3: Introduce Concept
Explain: A pyramid illustrates a concept by level of importance with the base
being the core component of the concept and other ideas lessening in
importance as the pyramid reaches its apex. There are certain qualities that
are the base of all friendship although we often find ourselves putting more
time and effort into friendships rooted in characteristics of less importance.
We’re going to examine the definition of true friendship, the kind we all want
to have and strive to be and read some examples of how Judaism exemplifies
these types of friendship.
Step 4: Teach/Learn the concepts
Expain: Since we’re discussing friendship today, everyone grab a buddy
(chevruta). Hand out lyrics of the 3 songs and pages 7 and 23 from Sourcebook:
Lean on Me, I Get By With a Little Help from my Friends and Help! I Need
Somebody.
Instructions:
1. In your pairs, read the lyrics to the songs (note the bolded text as important
to the discussion) and the Jewish texts from Kohelet.
2. As a pair, discuss how one relates to the other. How is the Jewish text
reflected in our pop songs? How do these texts (both songs and Jewish text)
exemplify and define real, true friendship? Share your own experiences that
may explain your feelings.
3. Hand out pages 31-33 of the sourcebook as examples of true friendship in
the bible: Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan.
4. Assign half of the pairs to read the David and Jonathan story and the other
half to read the Ruth and Naomi story. Explain: one of these stories is an
example of girl power and love and loyalty between girl friends and the other
is an example of a “bro-mance” (some Jewish scholars interpret this story as
that literally- a romance between men!).
Ask the groups to read their stories and discuss whether this is a good example
of the truest form of friendship and why. Which songs relate to these stories?
Why is the friendship between women so special? Why is the friendship
between males so special? As we move into the dating world, why is it
important to remain true to friends of the same sex or non-romantic
relationships?
Step 5: Practice learned concepts with an activity
Ruth and Naomi or David and Jonathan are examples of the loyalty and
faithfulness between biblical friends. What about your own experiences of true
friendship?
Instruction: Group together with a second chevruta pair to form a group of
four. Instructions for activity: In your group, come up with a realistic scenario
(it should be one that happened to a member of your group so it can be true to
life) that illustrates a dilemma or obstacle to true friendship and what explain
what could prevent or solve this problem using the examples discussed in your
original pairs. Present your scenario and how you would solve it.
Example: Read Scenario 1 on page 30 of Sourcebook and ask for solutions to the
dilemma (questions are provided below the scenario). What characteristics of
true friendship are missing from this situation? How would it be different if
these friends had behaved with character traits exhibited by Ruth, Naomi,
David and Jonathan or described in the Kohelet texts?
Give them time to come up with their scenarios.
Step 6: Present the learned material
Following each presentation discuss:
 What are the issues at hand here? Why is the answer not so black and
white? Have you ever thought someone was your friend until a situation
such as any of these?
 What constitutes the actions of a true friend? What would exemplify an
artificial friend or a friend at top of the pyramid? Why is it often so
difficult to decipher between true friends and artificial ones until we get
hurt?
 Would someone still be a true friend if they acted or behaved this way?
How can we distinguish between our true friends who make mistakes and
are worth being forgiven, and friends who aren’t really our friends and
should not be worth our time?
 How can you apply the Kohelet texts or the biblical friendships we
talked about to these scenarios (support, loyalty, faithfulness, integrity,
honesty)
Step 8: Final thoughts:
Friendship is incredibly complicated. Someone can be your best friend one
instant and turn on you the next. A skill to learn is how to distinguish between
the Ruth and Naomi type of friends, the friends that offer a little help to get
you by” or to “lean on,” and the friends who may create dilemmas and painful
situations for you.
Wrap up activity/taking it home: Close your eyes. Picture a bookshelf in your
head. Decide which people in your life would be placed on the top shelf- the
most loyal or faithful to you and why you would put them there.
Next, picture the next shelf- friends who are good friends but may not be so
reliable or loyal but still fun to be with.
On the third shelf or bottom shelf, picture the kind of people in your life who
would have been at the top of your pyramid, people you know and may
associate with or be friendly with but wouldn’t call them up to hang out or
share information.
Summary: many people will come and go from your life. A life full of friends is
a rich life but only if you are able to define quality versus quantity. To know
what defines a good friend will help you seek people who will be there to lean
on and not put you in difficult dilemmas or painful situations. On the other
hand, maybe it takes these bottom shelf friends to recognize the qualities of
“top shelf” true friendship.
For fun: What kind of friend are you?
Quiz activities on pages 23 and 34 of sourcebook
Song 1: Lean on Me
Bill Withers
Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
So just call on me brother, when you need a
hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd
understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Song 2: With a Little Help from My Friends
The Beatles
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get by with a little help from my
friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from
my friends.
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my
friends, Mmm, gonna to try with a little help
from my friends
Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get by with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my
friends
Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my
friends
Ooh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends
Song 3: Help! I Need Somebody
The Beatles
Help! I need somebody.
Help! Not just anybody.
Help! You know I need someone.
Help!
When I was younger, so much younger than
today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone I'm not so
self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind, I've
opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many
ways, my independence seems to vanish in
the haze. But every now and then I feel so
insecure, I know that I just need you like
I've never done before.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
When I was younger, so much younger than
today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone I'm not so self
assured,
Now I find
I've changed my mind, I've opened up the
doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground.
Won't you please, please help me?
Help me. Help me, oooh.
Sicha 2: Friendship in the Digital World
Goals:
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
USYers will recap the previous session discussion on true friendship and
tie these concepts in with “real” vs. artificial socializing through digital
media.
USYers will discuss the dangers and possibilities of online communities
and friendships using Jewish concepts of Shmirat Halashon, Lashon Hara
and “Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot”
Core Questions:
 Who are your real friends and who are your friends on a superficial level?
Recalling the “shelves” analogy from last session
 How has friendship changed since the digital revolution of online
interaction and social networking? Authentic vs. artificial friendship in
the digital world , creating digital communities of friendship vs a faceto-face social circle
 Is what you “see” really what you “get” with digital friendship and how
can we both expand our social networks to find communities of “like
others” while protecting ourselves?
Materials:
Pages from sourcebook:
Page 10- “Connecting Online”
Page 85 (Shmot 23:7)
Pages 94 and 95
Pages 158-159
Step 1: Trigger
Simulate “Facebook” features in real life by asking for volunteers to come up
and apply the features of Facebook to actual people.
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Poke- stand up and poke someone in the shoulder with your finger
“send” a gift- hand over an object so it is in another’s possession
Comment on someone’s status -tell someone you’re excited about
his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend
Invite to an event- (pretend to call or hand someone an invitation) tell
them about your party
Chat- have a conversation with a friend
Step 2: Discussion
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Was it weird, silly or awkward for you to apply Facebook features to real
life?
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How much time do you spend with your friends face-to-face? What is the
difference between chatting with someone face-to-face as you did just
now and chatting with a person behind a user name?
Is socializing on social networking sites really socializing?
Brief recap from previous session:
 Recall from the “shelf” activity we did at the end of last session. Who
are your real friends and who are your friends on a superficial level?
 Given that we all have friends of varying degrees, how has friendship
and these different degrees changed since the digital revolution of
online interaction and social networking? Authentic vs. artificial
friendship in the digital world , creating digital communities of
friendship vs. a face-to-face social circle
 Is what you “see” really what you “get” with digital friendship and how
can we both expand our social networks to find communities of “like
others” while protecting ourselves?
Explain: 89% of Youth today have a profile on a social networking site and
spend more time online then they interact in any other way. Instead of hanging
out with friends after school, they “hang out” with friends online.
Taking Inventory: a Poll of Social Networking membership
 What sites do you belong to?
 How much time do you spend “socializing” online (includes gchat, MSN,
any chat room)
 How do you find friends in “real life?” How do you find friends online?
What is the difference between the friends you see and the friends you
communicate with online? Can they be friends on the same level if you
don’t see them face-to-face?
 What are the dangers of befriending people online? What are the
possibilities or highlights of having online friends?
 How can you distinguish between superficial or artificial friendship
online and real friendship? Is “what you see”, necessarily “what you
get”?
Step 3: Teach Concept
Hand out pages 10, 85 of sourcebook
Read second half of page 10 and discuss the questions on “connecting online.”
What are the dangers of “connecting” with friends online? It’s hard enough to
decipher between real and artificial friendships in person, how do you know
what’s real online and what problems could arise from not really “knowing”
those in your online community?
Gossip and Guarding Your Tongue- Lashon Hara and Shmirat Halashon
Explain: When you don’t truly know everyone in your different online
communities, it is often hard to remember that they’re actual people and the
power at your fingertips by pressing “send.”
Read Shmot 27:3 quote on page 85 of sourcebook and the paragraphs that
follow on gossip.
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How can you apply this to online friendships and digital communication?
Why is online communication more dangerous than what you say to your
friends in the bathroom at school?
Explain core concepts:
Shmirat Halashon- Guarding Your Tongue
Share this quote with the group:
Proverbs/Mishlei 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
What does this mean and what does it teach us?
Explain: Shmirat Halashon is the mitzvah of guarding your tongue or watching
what you say. Nowadays, we communicate more online than we do in person,
generating the need for a new term- Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot or guarding your
fingers.
Read and discuss the second half of page 94 of sourcebook.
Move on to page 95 and stop before you get to “Sexting.”
Ask the group to share any real life examples of the need for Shmirat Halashon
or Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot and then ask them to read the cyberbulling story on
page 158-59 of sourcebook “Pushed to the Edge” as a real life example. Discuss
the 3 questions on page 159, particularly the ideas of misrepresenting oneself
online and protecting onsefl from artificial online friends? How can we tell the
difference between real friends and artificial dangers while online?
Step 4: Practice the learned concepts through activity
Online Campaign for Shmirat Ha’etzba’ot
Reiterate the question: how can we tell the difference between real friends
and artificial dangers while online?
You never know what you’re really getting when you “meet” people online.
People you meet face to face will hurt you but those who have never met you
online, even those with whom you’ve really connected have no loyalty to you
whatsoever. Although you may feel like you have finally found people who
accept you through online communities, you need to be able to practice
Shmirat Lashon while communicating online in order to protect yourself from
the reality of artificial or superficial friends who may hurt you.
Split into smaller groups of 3-4.
Imagine you are creating an online marketing “Campaign for Shmirat
Ha’etzba’ot” or online Shmirat Halashon. What tips or message would you send
out to users of social networking sites to encourage them to connect with
others and find friends online but also be aware of the dangers.
In a marketing pitch, almost like a commercial, come up with:
 A slogan- i.e. “once you click, it sticks”
 5 Things to think about before logging on and while online
 How to distinguish between real and artificial: Ways to determine the
difference between real online friendship and artificial. Would I consider
this person as the base of my pyramid or a “top shelf” friend? Is this
someone I enjoy speaking with or truly a friend?
Explain to the group how you would send your message to users of online social
networking sites in order to teach the value of Shmirat Lashon/Ha’etzba’ot and
the effects of Lashon Hara?
Step 5: Present the campaigns
Ask each group to present and challenge them questions, depending on with
what they presented. Again, reiterate how to tell the difference between real
and artificial and the extreme necessity to practice Shmirat
Halason/Ha’etzba’ot while socializing online.
Step 6: Summary
Wrap up the discussion- get their feedback on Judaism and friendship in the
21st century based off the discussions of the past 2 sessions.
Summarize:
How can we wrap up Judaism and friendship in the 21 st century. What values
does Judaism emphasize in terms of friendship? What does it warn us about
interaction between friends? What does it remind us about the beauty of
friendship (recall Ruth, Naomi, David and Jonathan).
 In the first session, we discussed how important friends are to us and
ideas of faithfulness, loyalty and integrity as the roots or foundations of
true friendship. We also discussed how we all have friends but our
friends can be categorized into different levels.
 In this session, what did we recognize about the nature of friendship in
today’s world? What are the possibilities and dangers of online
friendship?