THE LAST LAUGH
Stage Version
Adapted by Caroline Small
from the original radio play written by members of
High Peak Writers, Buxton
Louise Glasscoe
Rob Hanlon
Mo Law
Roger Lill
Paul Rees (aka Premraja)
Pat Thompson,
The Last Laugh
Characters in order of appearance
JACKIE
stand-up comedienne, late thirties
JIMMY
her manager and oldest friend
LUKE
her son, aged 15
SUSAN
her friend, similar age to Jackie
THE VOICE*
in Jackie’s head (played live in stage version as an
alternative or THE VOICE Jackie)
PAOLO
Jackie’s boyfriend, late 20s
LAURA
Jackie’s daughter, aged 17
NURSE STELLA
works in Psychiatric Unit
DR FITZWILLIAM
psychiatrist
MAGGIE
a patient, university student, early twenties
PATIENTS
doubled by other characters
NURSE COLLEEN
works in Psychiatric Unit
SECURITY STAFF
doubled by other characters
Doubling possibilities:
JIMMY / DOCTOR
SUSAN / NURSE COLLEEN
* THE VOICE is a physical manifestation of the voices in Jackie’s head. In the
original stage production this was played by one actress dressed in a similar way
to Jackie, a slightly skewed version of the real woman. There could be many
other ways of portraying the inner voice(s) on stage.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
The Last Laugh
Cast List
Buxton Fringe Festival Production
July 2010
JACKIE
Fiona Paul
JIMMY
Nick Whitehead
LUKE
Joe Kelly
SUSAN
Suzanne Pearson
THE VOICE
Sue Woolley
PAOLO
Matthew Rose
LAURA
Francesca Hulme
NURSE STELLA
Pat Thompson
DR FITZWILLIAM
Langley Brown
MAGGIE
Alice Johnson
NURSE COLLEEN
Suzanne Pearson
Also:
PATIENTS, SECURITY STAFF played by members of the company
DIRECTOR
Caroline Small
LIGHTING AND SOUND
Garry Preece
PRODUCER
Louise Glasscoe
(Secretary, High Peak Writers)
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
The Last Laugh
Stage Version
NB The action is continuous. Scene divisions are for rehearsal purposes only.
PROLOGUE – Jackie’s House
JACKIE enters, drink in hand, and sits centre stage.
During the dialogue LUKE, PAOLO and LAURA transform her into her showbiz
self. LAURA does her make-up/hair.
THE VOICE is also there, dressing and applying make up.
JACKIE
Jackie… Stand-up comedian… Still the right side of forty…
THE VOICE
Only just.
JACKIE
… just. Single mother.
PAOLO
You’ve got me.
JACKIE
Single mother, living with…
PAOLO
Paolo. A musician.
THE VOICE
Your toyboy. What does he see in you?
JACKIE
I don’t know.
Single mother, living with –
THE VOICE
Her toyboy.
JACKIE
- Paolo.
PAOLO
What is it, sweetheart?
JACKIE
Nothing.
Single mother, living with Paolo.
Two children –
LAURA
(irritated) Luke..!
LUKE
What, Laura?
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
1
LAURA
I nearly poked her eye out.
LUKE
You should be more careful.
LAURA
You nudged me.
PAOLO
Keep out of Laura’s way, Luke.
LUKE
Take her side!
THE VOICE
Have you seen the way Paolo looks at Laura? He fancies
the pants off her.
JACKIE
No he doesn’t.
LUKE
What, Mum?
JACKIE
Nothing… Where’s Jimmy?
THE VOICE
He’s not coming. He’s given up on you.
PAOLO
He’s on his way.
JIMMY
(entering) I’m here. Sorry, darling, the traffic was dreadful.
JACKIE
Jimmy.
JIMMY
Ready, gorgeous?
PAOLO
She’s ready.
JACKIE
Ready as I’ll ever be.
JIMMY
Everything all right?
THE VOICE
Not really.
JACKIE
I’m fine. Just tired. Be glad when this gig’s over.
LUKE ]
LAURA ]
(leaving) Good luck, Mum.
PAOLO
(leaving) Look after her, Jimmy.
JIMMY
I will.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
2
SCENE 1 – Comedy venue
JACKIE
(narration) And he did. Good old Jimmy. More than just a
manager. My oldest friend. Drove me to the venue,
organised the sound check, gave me a little something to
calm my nerves.
My head was spinning. I’m not sure how I got myself on
stage – not sure how I got through my act - but I did get
through it and it was…
THE VOICE
(in audience now) Rubbish!
The heckle stops JACKIE in her tracks. She looks out to the audience to locate
the heckler but can’t see her.
JACKIE
(to unseen heckler) I… Maybe you… (Performance mode
again) You’ve been a lovely audience. Thank you and good
night.
Lighting change takes us backstage.
JIMMY is there.
JACKIE
Don’t tell me. That was shite….
JIMMY
Yes the audience was rubbish, love.
JACKIE
No, I was shite. I’ve had it with this act.
JIMMY
It’s your act to do whatever you like with.
JACKIE
I’ve had it with this bloody life.
JIMMY
Don’t be so theatrical darling. You just need some new
material.
JACKIE
I need a new life. How long have you known me, Jimmy?
JIMMY
Long enough.
JACKIE
Meaning too long…? Make yourself useful and pour a drink
while I get changed.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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JIMMY
Never too long. What would I do with my life if I hadn’t
got you to pamper? Come on, let’s get you home to that
lovely Paolo of yours. Car’s at the door.
JACKIE
Drink first… Just one for the road…? God, come on Jimmy,
get your finger out. Get that bottle open. I’m gasping.
JIMMY reluctantly pours drink and hands it to JACKIE.
JACKIE
I don’t deserve you, Jimmy. You’re like a mother hen.
JIMMY
Ooh, no darling! A peacock would be more like me. Lots of
trailing plumage.
JACKIE
You’re a fool, and I love you. (She drains her glass and
holds it out for a refill.)
JIMMY
One for the road you said.
JACKIE
One? I need a bottle full. (She refills her glass.) God, I can’t
stand it. Bloody, BLOODY people! They laugh at all the
wrong things. What’s the point of me writing all this clever
stuff when the stupid bastards don’t get it?
JIMMY
You’re just tired. You know you’re good.
JACKIE
I was good, Jimmy. But not any more. I’m whacked, and
strung up to breaking point. I’m not funny any more.
JIMMY
If you really feel that bad, take a break.
JACKIE
A break? I can’t. I’ve got responsibilities. We need
the money.
JIMMY
But surely Paolo [can …
JACKIE
[ Don’t mention Paolo. You know Italians.
JIMMY
And I know Paolo. Your life’s just one long barney.
JACKIE
Don’t start, Jimmy. I’ve heard it all before. You warned
me but I took no notice.
JIMMY
Oh, I can’t say I blame you. If I could find a handsome
man half my age to shack up with…
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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JACKIE
Paolo isn’t half my age.
JIMMY
Figure of speech, sweetie. Drink up and let’s get you home
to lover boy. (He takes her arm but she shakes him off.)
JACKIE
(snaps) What’s your hurry? Give me break, Jimmy.
JIMMY backs off. JACKIE pours another drink and sits down.
JIMMY stands behind her and massages her shoulders.
JIMMY
My, you are tense.
JACKIE
What’s the matter with me these days? Am I losing my
marbles?
JIMMY
Not you.
JACKIE
You don’t know. What with the kids, Paolo, money, my
mum, and now the act. I’ll soon be totally barking.
JIMMY
How is your mother?
JACKIE
How do you think? Alzheimer’s doesn’t improve. She
can’t be left on her own much longer. Oh, I don’t
know. I don’t need all this.
JIMMY
All you need, my darling, is a good night’s sleep. It’ll all look
different in the morning.
JIMMY
Come on. Let me drive you home.
SCENE 2a - Jackie’s House
LUKE enters eating pizza. Puts CD in player. It’s loud! He plays air guitar... he
doesn’t notice JACKIE and JIMMY.
JACKIE
(entering with JIMMY) Come in Jimmy. Just for a minute.
Luke… (Louder) Luke..!
LUKE
Hi, Mum! How’d it go?
JACKIE
Turn off that racket, please.
He turns it off.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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LUKE
I see. Not so good, then.
JACKIE
It was rubbish. Truly awful. Hardly raised a titter. Thank
God I had Jimmy’s shoulder to cry on.
LUKE
Hi, Jimmy.
JACKIE
There’s some wine in the fridge, Jimmy… Please…?
JIMMY is reluctant but goes off to fetch wine.
Anyway, how was your day, Luke?
LUKE
A waste of time again. I walked out after lunch. It was
only art.
JACKIE
Only art? Luke, this truanting’s got to stop. There was
a phone call this morning. Your Mr Marchant wants to see
me again.
LUKE
Old wank-face? You don’t want to take any notice of him.
He’s only Pastoral Care.
JACKIE
He’s a good teacher and he’s got your interests at heart.
LUKE
He doesn’t even know who I am.
JIMMY
(entering) No wine in the fridge.
JACKIE
What ...? Well there’s some in the… Where’s Paolo?
(Calling) Paolo! Laura! Where are you?
LUKE
They went out, Mum.
JACKIE
Out? Where?
LUKE
Don’t ask me. They’d opened your wine after you left.
Then about nine-ish, when I was upstairs on the computer,
they just shouted up, “Bye”, and “See you later”.
JACKIE
Oh, Jimmy, I think there’s something going on between
them. She’s so impressionable. And he is a bloody Italian…
(She rants – ad lib)
LUKE
Mum!
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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JIMMY
Jackie – stop! You’ve got a vivid imagination. Let’s forget the
wine. I’m off home so you can get straight to bed. Goodnight,
Luke. Don’t let your mother stay up.
LUKE
Goodnight, Jimmy.
JIMMY leaves.
LUKE
He’s right, Mum. Laura’s not very keen on your Paolo,
you know.
JACKIE
You’ve just said they were drinking my wine together.
LUKE
Yes, but that doesn’t mean anything.
JACKIE
And now they’ve gone off together.
LUKE
Well, they went out at the same time –
JACKIE
And where to? At this time of night? Laura should be
home.
LUKE
Laura’s an adult, Mum.
JACKIE
Not till her next birthday. I’m still responsible for her.
And as for you. You should be in bed.
LUKE
All right. Just going. And what about you? You heard
what Jimmy said.
JACKIE
I’m not going to bed till Laura gets home. Now goodnight,
Luke. It’s still school in the morning.
LUKE
Goodnight, Mum. Oh, I nearly forgot. Susan phoned. And
she said you can ring her up whatever time of night you get
in. She thought you might feel like a chinwag. ‘Night.
LUKE leaves.
JACKIE
The Last Laugh
God bless you Susan.
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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SCENE 2b – Jackie’s House - Phone Call
JACKIE phones SUSAN. We see SUSAN on another part of the stage, possibly
in a tight spotlight.
SUSAN
Hello Jackie.
JACKIE
Susan darling. Oh, you’re an angel. You haven’t
stayed up especially?
SUSAN
I’m lying in bed and watching the telly. You know I
don’t sleep ’till dawn.
JACKIE
I don’t know what I’d do without you.
SUSAN
Mutual, darling. Now, what is it this time? Is it that
man of yours?
JACKIE
It’s everything. I’m at my wits end. I think I’m going
mad.
THE VOICE
You are. You’re going mad. (She is among the
audience and gradually moves into the frame during
the following.)
SUSAN
Jackie? Are you still there?
JACKIE
I’m still here. I’m a failure, Susan. My act’s a failure. I
can’t cope with the children. My mother’s worse. And
Paolo – I daren’t think what he’s up to with Laura.
THE VOICE
With Laura. What’s he up to with Laura?
SUSAN
Darling. Paolo’s got you. He isn’t interested in Laura.
We all have trouble with our teenagers. And you’re a
great coper. Ever since I’ve known you.
JACKIE
I can’t go on, Susan.
THE VOICE
(on stage by now) They drank your wine.
JACKIE
They drank my wine. Why didn’t my babies grow
up like your babies?
SUSAN
Could be because my babies ended up living with
their father.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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JACKIE
Here I am, waiting for my daughter to come home
from God knows where, and I’m so tired, but I can’t
go to bed. I don’t know what to do.
SUSAN
Listen, why don’t you put the phone down, put on
some soothing music, and put your feet up. You need
to wind down… Everything will seem better in the
morning. Phone me again tomorrow and we’ll have a
proper natter.
JACKIE
All right… I’ll talk to you in the morning. Night Susan.
Spotlight out. JACKIE puts the phone down and sits in silence.
SCENE 2c – Jackie’s House
JACKIE
(weeps quietly) Why the hell am I bothering?
I’m useless.
THE VOICE
You are useless. You’ll never make it.
JACKIE
But they clapped. They didn’t boo me off stage.
She puts a CD on. The music plays softly during the following, becoming
gradually distorted.
THE VOICE
Your jokes are old. You can’t think of anything new.
JACKIE
They laughed at my chicken joke.
THE VOICE
You need some new material.
JACKIE
I need a drink. (There are bottles in a rack. She picks
one out.) A nice red one. Now then …
THE VOICE
Let’s get plastered.
JACKIE
Corkscrew?
THE VOICE
It’s a screw top.
JACKIE clumsily tries to open the bottle while picking up a glass in her other
hand.
The Last Laugh
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© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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THE VOICE
Careful.
JACKIE
Careful. I could do with three hands.
THE VOICE helps out, the bottle is opened and JACKIE pours wine into two
glasses.
THE VOICE
Cheers.
JACKIE
Cheers.
Perhaps they dance.
JACKIE stumbles and spills wine.
JACKIE
Oops. Tired.
THE VOICE
Too tired. You’re losing your grip.
JACKIE
Just need to sit down.
Perhaps THE VOICE wants to carry on dancing. She twirls JACKIE round until
she falls, banging her head as she does so.
THE VOICE walks slowly to the CD player and turns it off.
THE VOICE
Oops.
She fades into the background as LUKE enters.
LUKE
Mum? Mum, are you all right? (He kneels down next
to her.) Mum…?
Shakily LUKE picks up phone and dials.
LUKE
Ambulance please. Urgent. My mother’s fallen… her
head’s bleeding… I – I can’t wake her up.
THE VOICE takes JACKIE to one side to observe the next scene.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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SCENE 3 – Jackie’s house, later the same night.
LAURA and PAOLO enter.
LAURA
(entering) How did it happen, Luke?
LUKE
I don’t know, do I? There was a crash. I ran down and
she was on the floor. I thought she was dead. I dialed
999. Look at me. I’m still shaking.
LAURA
Was she still unconscious when the ambulance
came?
LUKE
She’d sort of half come round. The paramedics said
she was concussed and it didn’t look too serious, but
they should get her to casualty as quickly as possible.
I should have gone with her, shouldn’t I? But I didn’t
know where you two were. Where were you anyway,
going off together like that?
LAURA
He only gave me a lift to the bowling alley.
PAOLO
And then I went to a gig at the Blue Lantern. It
finished late.
LUKE
You should have been here.
PAOLO
Just calm down a bit, will you? You did the right thing
and she’s going to be all right. I’ve been on to the
hospital and they say she’s recovered consciousness.
But they might keep her in for a day or so. It’s
probably quite normal after concussion.
LAURA
I wonder what happened. She’s been acting a bit
strange for a week or so. Really wrapped up in
herself, and even more moody than usual.
Telephone rings.
PAOLO
Hello… Yes, speaking… Yes, I see. Can’t you tell me
anymore..? She’ll be all right though, won’t she..?
Oh, I see. Thank you for letting us know... Right.
Goodbye. (He puts the phone down.)
LAURA
What now?
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(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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PAOLO
The charge nurse... They’re transferring Jackie to a
psychiatric ward. They think she’s had some sort of
mental breakdown.
LUKE
A breakdown? Is she going to be all right?
PAOLO
He wouldn’t say. I’m to contact them tomorrow. But…
LUKE
What?
PAOLO
Well - I got the impression it could be serious.
PAOLO, LUKE and LAURA leave.
JACKIE
(narration mode) It was serious all right. I don’t
remember much but the story goes that they got me
to A & E and I perked up a bit… Quite a lot in fact…
I flipped. Burst into another cubicle and pulled out
someone’s drip, used the tube as a microphone
and…
JACKIE and THE VOICE speak together.
JACKIES
Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.
The DOCTOR - or a version of the Doctor - appears.
‘DOCTOR’
Pull yourself together!
JACKIES
Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.
‘DOCTOR’
Lie on the edge of the bed, you’ll soon drop off!
JACKIES
Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
‘DOCTOR’
Absolutely nothing!
JACKIES
Doctor Doctor, I think I’m a spoon.
The JACKIES laugh hysterically at their own jokes.
‘DOCTOR’
This is no way to behave in a hospital. Take her
away!
NURSE STELLA enters. JACKIE is made to sit down.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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SCENE 4 – Psychiatric Unit
JACKIE
Why have I been brought here? Where’s Laura?
STELLA
Calm down, Jackie. This is the Psychiatric Unit.
JACKIE
I only slipped and banged my head. I’m not mad for
God’s sake. I want Laura. (She stands up
unsteadily.)
STELLA
Who’s Laura?
JACKIE
My daughter. I asked them to send for her. (She
stumbles.)
STELLA
(getting JACKIE seated) Calm down. You’ll hurt
yourself again.
DOCTOR FITZWILLIAM enters.
Here’s Dr Fitzwilliam. Good morning, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Good morning, Stella. And who’s this then?
STELLA
DOCTOR
This is Jackie, Doctor. She has concussion after a fall,
but casualty think there’s evidence of psychosis, so
she’s here for observation.
Notes?
STELLA
Here, Doctor.
DOCTOR F. glances at the notes then crosses to Jackie.
DOCTOR.
Hello, Jackie. How are you feeling?
JACKIE
(improvised ‘word salad’ delivered very quickly. A
jumble of phrases and images prompted by THE
VOICE)
Feeling… I… There was a… fish and I couldn’t find
the corkscrew and etc ad lib …….
……………………………………….
(to DOCTOR) Who are you..?
DOCTOR
Ah, I see.
The Last Laugh
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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JACKIE
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
THE VOICE
Yes I can see you're not all there.
SCENE 5a – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
The setting is established by other actors as PATIENTS in an ensemble
sequence based on repetitive movement/repeated activities
One of the patients is MAGGIE who sits alone and knits.
The two NURSES are also on there on duty.
It’s noisy: the television is on at high volume; a phone rings and is never
answered etc.
STELLA
Here we are, Jackie. Have a seat next to Maggie.
She’ll look after you. Maggie, will you show Jackie
the ropes? Lunch at 12.00. (She leaves.)
MAGGIE
Hi Jackie. What happened to your head?
JACKIE
I fell over.
Is it always as noisy as this?
MAGGIE
You’ll get used to it. First time in hospital?
JACKIE
What do we do all day?
MAGGIE
Not a lot.
Ensemble sequence to indicate time spent on day ward. Loud background noise.
As part of sequence, NURSE STELLA enters with medication… “Sweetie time!”
SCENE 5b – Psychiatric Unit - Phone call
Ensemble freezes.
JACKIE goes to phone and dials.
PAOLO appears, separately.
PAOLO
The Last Laugh
Hello?
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
14
JACKIE.
Paolo, it’s me.
PAOLO
Jackie. How are you? You didn’t phone me
yesterday.
JACKIE
I couldn’t get near the phone all day. It’s days since I
had any visitors.
PAOLO
Laura came in on Tuesday.
JACKIE
Well, it feels like days – weeks. Time just drags.
PAOLO
Luke will be in after school.
JACKIE
And you?
PAOLO
Tomorrow, I promise. Unless…
JACKIE
Oh, Paolo!
PAOLO
I’ll do my best. How are you anyway?
JACKIE
Full of pills – fuzzy - bored. The food’s awful. Some of
the patients are very unfriendly, the TV’s on all day at
full volume, and the staff don’t seem to care.
PAOLO
You’re getting better, then…?
JACKIE
Am I? Well it doesn’t feel like it. I feel worse than
when I came in.
SCENE 5c – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
Ensemble sequence starts again. TV volume is turned right up.
JACKIE finishes her phone call.
JACKIE
Nurse… Nurse… Can’t we have the TV turned down?
COLLEEN
I’ll try, Jackie, but you know what happened last time.
She takes the remote control from a PATIENT and turns it down. PATIENT
protests and turns it up again.
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© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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COLLEEN
(to PATIENT) Everyone isn’t deaf, you know!
Sorry, Jackie. I did my best. Why don’t you try
a little walk?
JACKIE
Forget it.
She takes out her notebook and tries to write. THE VOICE reads over her
shoulder. Corrects things. Crosses things out.
Time passes…. Ensemble Sequence.
STELLA enters as before – “Sweetie time!” The PATIENTS line up, take their
medication, then leave.
JACKIE
(writing) Doctor, doctor…
Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a bell -
THE VOICE
Heard it before.
JACKIE
(writing) Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep –
THE VOICE
Heard it…
She takes the notebook and leafs through, tearing out pages and throwing them
away.
Heard it… Heard it… etc. And that one was old when
Noah built the ark
JACKIE
Everything I write is –
THE VOICE
Crap… You’ve lost it, Jackie.
JACKIE
It’s the drugs. They’re making me – I just can’t think
straight.
THE VOICE
Or maybe you’re just crap.
JACKIE
Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me –
COLLEEN tries to calm her down and take her to Consulting Room.
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© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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Scene 6 – Consulting Room
DOCTOR enters and sits with JACKIE. THE VOICE observes.
DOCTOR
Well…Jackie? You seem to have made good
progress in only two weeks. Any side effects from
your medication?
JACKIE
Dizziness… Not really connected.
DOCTOR
That’s to be expected.
JACKIE
What’s the matter with me?
DOCTOR
Well, you have a form of schizophrenia which
means…
JACKIE
Schizophrenia! Like Jekyll and Hyde?
DOCTOR
No. Not at all. That’s sensational fiction.
Schizophrenics are usually quiet, withdrawn people.
JACKIE
But why should it happen to me?
DOCTOR
It’s something in the genes. It can be triggered by
stress or a traumatic experience.
JACKIE
Stress… (It sinks in.) Am I a danger to society?
DOCTOR
Nothing of the kind.
JACKIE
But schizophrenics murder people.
DOCTOR
There’s no higher incidence of murder among people
with mental illness than in the general population.
JACKIE
Where does that leave me?
DOCTOR
Only about ten percent of schizophrenics remain
severely impaired for life. These days it’s a treatable
illness.
JACKIE has gradually withdrawn into herself. She is rocking and muttering…
JACKIE
The Last Laugh
Doctor, doctor…
(Stage Version)
© High Peak Writers/Caroline Small 2010
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DOCTOR
With a period of rest - and appropriate medication –
you should make a full recovery but it will need
considerable effort on your part,
JACKIE
Thank you.
THE VOICE takes her back to the ward and gives her the notebook again.
SCENE 7 – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
Setting established by PATIENTS and NURSES as before. TV dominates.
JACKIE sits separately, trying to write. THE VOICE is at her shoulder as before.
JACKIE
A bit of peace and quiet would do me more good than
all these pills.
THE VOICE
Nobody’s watching the television. [Just look at them.
JACKIE
[Just look at them. What do they find to chatter
about?
THE VOICE
And that man with the grubby dressing gown. Your
friend.
JACKIE
He isn’t my friend. I don’t know why he pesters me.
THE VOICE
(seeing MAGGIE approaching) Watch out. Here
comes another loony.
JACKIE
She’s all right. I like her.
During the conversation between JACKIE and MAGGIE, the other PATIENTS
freeze or melt away.
MAGGIE
(sitting down next to JACKIE) Hello Jackie. Talking to
yourself again?
JACKIE
No I’m not –
THE VOICE
She’s talking to me.
JACKIE
What’s that?
MAGGIE
My knitting. It helps to pass the time. Do you like it?
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JACKIE
What is it?
MAGGIE
I don’t know. Could be a scarf or something.
JACKIE
You’re wasting your time.
MAGGIE
Aren’t you feeling too good?
JACKIE
Lousy. I really hate this place.
MAGGIE
Well, I don’t think they want any of us to get attached
to it.
They sit in silence for a moment. MAGGIE knits.
JACKIE
What are you in here for?
MAGGIE
You’ve guessed it’s a prison then. Usual stuff,
grievous bodily harm - I tried to kill myself.
NURSE STELLA walks across the stage. They watch her.
Don’t you think Stella’s perfect for the lead in
‘Misery’?
There’s no escape. I tried to kick the door open, only
managed to sprain my ankle.
JACKIE
Do you get many visitors?
MAGGIE
No. My family think I’m an embarrassment. What can
they tell the neighbours? They’ve probably told them
I’ve gone to Venezuela.
JACKIE
Why are you in here anyway?
MAGGIE
I got a thought in my head when I was doing my
exams. It wouldn’t go away. I must get a First. I must
get a First. They called me Maggie Machine on the
course. Always got the right answers. They all thought
I was weird though. Once I spent an entire day
picking fluff off the carpet. I was better than the
vacuum cleaner (Laughs).
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Then I was convinced I had a terminal illness. I went
to the Doctor and he told me there was nothing wrong
with me which made me more depressed. So I
reached for the medical book hoping to find
symptoms of cancer - or TB - or anything.
And then I thought of ways of killing myself. I even
tried giving myself infections. I won’t roast in hell if I
die biologically…. What happened to you?
JACKIE
(narration mode) So I told her. How one minute I fell
over and the next I was in here. How I’d started
hearing people talking about me - as if they’re in the
room but they’re not really there. How sometimes they
talk to me and sometimes they talk about me,
slagging me off, putting me down, swearing at me. I
can’t get them to go away.
And how Dr Fitzwilliam told me I’m psychotic and
pumped me full of drugs - and now I just feel so sick.
(to MAGGIE again) This place is enough to drive
anyone mad. That bloody TV on all day, people
screaming in the night. And what about that girl who
walks up and down the corridor all the time? She’s got
blisters on her feet. And the girl who’s painted her
face brown. She just sits there shivering.
MAGGIE
What do you think of the psychiatrist?
JACKIE
Columbo? He’s only interested in sedating me.
Doesn’t want to know about my feelings or how I used
to be. I used to be a stand-up comedian, can you
believe that?
MAGGIE
Well it’s a joke we’re all in here. We must be a danger
to society, otherwise they wouldn’t lock us up. (Beat)
You married?
JACKIE
No. I live with my boyfriend though.
MAGGIE
Kids?
JACKIE
Two. Boy and a girl.
MAGGIE
Aaah!
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JACKIE
They’re both past the ‘aah’ stage. They don’t know
what to make of this. They hardly ever come and see
me. But I’m not like these other loonies. I’m all right. I
don’t know why I’m in here.
MAGGIE
My mum and dad both say, ‘Well it’s not on my side’.
Sometimes I smoke in the loo and waft the smoke out
of the window. I expect I’ll lose brownie points for that.
I could be in here for a long stretch.
JACKIE
You’re very thin. Don’t you eat much?
MAGGIE
Don’t really like food, specially not in here. There are
bits in it. They stare at me. I keep trying to avoid
them. They’ll probably force feed me before long or
give me ECT. That’s something to look forward to.
Still – it makes you lose your memory so I won’t even
remember I’ve been in here. Perhaps I won’t even
remember that I’ve been alive.
SCENE 8a – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
The PATIENTS enter again. Ensemble sequence. THE VOICE goads JACKIE
who becomes more and more agitated.
STELLA walks across the stage purposefully. JACKIE stops her.
JACKIE
Where’s Doctor Fitzwilliam? I’ve been waiting ages to
see him.
STELLA
You’ll just have to wait a bit longer.
JACKIE
Can’t you go and find him?
STELLA
You’re not the only patient on the ward. I’m not here
to spend my time running after you.
JACKIE
I’m not expecting anyone to run after me. I just want
to see Dr Fitzwilliam. And another thing – I ordered
steak and kidney pie and I got cheese salad.
STELLA
Oh pity!
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JACKIE
Yes. And there’s nothing to do in here except watch
TV. Why can’t we do painting or something?
STELLA
This isn’t a holiday camp you know. (She leaves.)
Time passes. Ensemble sequence.
JACKIE
Paolo finally came to see me. Stayed ten minutes
then left.
SCENE 8b – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
PAOLO enters. Connects briefly with JACKIE, then they separate.
As he leaves, PAOLO intercepts NURSE COLLEEN
PAOLO
Nurse… Excuse me…
COLLEEN
Yes? Can I help you? You’re Jackie’s partner aren’t
you?
PAOLO
Yes, I’ve been sitting with her. How is she getting on?
COLLEEN.
She’s doing fine. Doctor Fitzwilliam’s pleased with
her.
PAOLO
She seemed a bit down to me.
COLLEEN.
Perhaps it’s not one of her better days. I think she’s
finding it hard.
PAOLO
But she will get better? I want to know what to tell her
children.
COLLEEN
There’s no guarantee. It’s up to her, whether she has
it in her.
PAOLO
She’s a fighter.
COLLEEN
Then you can tell them she’s going to make it.
PAOLO leaves.
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(narration) At least someone had faith in me… But
sometimes things have to get worse before they can
get better.
JACKIE
SCENE 8c - Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
Ensemble sequence. STELLA enters with medication on a tray.
STELLA
Sweetie time!
PATIENTS form a queue. Drugs are doled out.
JACKIE
Bloody medication. Yellow oblong ones, Red bullet
ones. Round white ones with Roche written on…
THE VOICE
And Columbo with his, ‘How are you feeling today?’…
JACKIE
And that television going all day…
THE VOICE
… and as for the bloody grey toilet paper….!
STELLA
Jackie – please collect your tablets. (Pause. It’s a
stand-off) One white tablet Olanzapine 15mg. One …
JACKIE
THE VOICE
]
]
(together) Bloody hospital! And bloody, BLOODY
drugs.
JACKIE and THE VOICE send the drugs flying and knocks STELLA her to the
ground.
COLLEEN
Stella!
STELLA
I’m all right. Get her out of the ward.
Both JACKIES do more damage – overturning chairs etc.
COLLEEN
(calling) Restraint!
The DOCTOR runs on and restrains JACKIE with the help of COLLEEN.
JACKIE
Let me go! Let me go!
The DOCTOR injects JACKIE with a sedative and helped to lie down.
The PATIENTS melt away into audience.
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SCENE 9 – Seclusion Room
STELLA writes “Seclusion Room” on chalk board.
JACKIE, heavily sedated, groans and sobs.
THE VOICE is with her, filing her nails.
THE VOICE
You’re past it, Jackie. You’re all washed up.
JACKIE
(her speech is slurred) I’m not. I’m not. I’m ill. I need
time to get better.
A second voice is heard – played by MAGGIE.
(MAGGIE)
Jackie. Do you want me to help you?
JACKIE
No, I don’t. I must do this on my own.
THE VOICE
You’re a has been. A never will be again.
JACKIE
That’s not true. I’ll show you all. I will get through this.
I will be a success again.
God my leg hurts. What have they done to me?
New voices are personified by other people in her life. They are sitting in the
audience, like hecklers at one of her gigs. Slow hand-claps and cat calls.
(LUKE &
LAURA)
You’re a failure – You’re a lousy Mum – You’re
no good.
JACKIE
I’m just not funny anymore.
(JIMMY)
Your act is no good – you’re hopeless at your job rotten - useless – incompetent
JACKIE
I can’t help it. I’m ill – ill – you don’t understand…
(PAOLO)
You’re not funny – Nobody likes you - You’re a
failure.
JACKIE
So I’m a failure. So what? So what. Eh? That was
yesterday.
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THE VOICE
I’ve told you before, there’s no point in going
on. You’re too old.
JACKIE
You’re as old as you feel.
Old as the hills… Old friends…
Any old iron – old bean – ever so old – has been –
Past my sell-by date…
No.
No. I’ve got to make a con… siderable effort.
His words, not mine.
Dr Fitzwilliam. He says...
I need to be…
ALL VOICES
You need to be focused.
JACKIE
I do. I need to be focused.
THE VOICE
Or you could forget all that rubbish. Try some more
tablets. Take a handful. That should make you feel
better.
COLLEEN enters, opens the curtains and gently wakes JACKIE.
COLLEEN
Jackie… Jackie… Hello there. It’s a lovely morning.
Come and look at the sunshine. How’re you feeling?
JACKIE
Lousy. My voices are getting worse. I thought the
medication was going to get rid of them.
COLLEEN
Not get rid of. Have you ever thought your voices
might be part of you?
JACKIE
No I haven’t. They bug me and I just want to get rid of
them.
COLLEEN
But if you change the way you think about them, you
might come to terms with them. (Pause)…Think about
it.
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SCENE 10 – Psychiatric Unit: Day Ward
Noisy atmosphere of ward established by PATIENTS as before with JACKIE
spinning in the centre. The other characters ‘orbit’ around her and keep her
spinning.
JACKIE
How can I think about anything in this place?
(MAGGIE)
You should take up knitting.
(STELLA)
Come for your medication, Jackie – Clozaril,
Temazapan – Resperadone
THE VOICE
You’ll never make a comedian. You’re wrong – and
Jimmy’s wrong and…
(DOCTOR)
Your medication is tailored to your diagnosis. Side
effects can be dealt with as and when …
JACKIE
Bloody hospital.
Bloody drugs.
Bloody knitting - and bloody, bloody psychiatrists…!
DOCTOR
Now then, Jackie, how are you today?
JACKIE
Have you heard the one about the two psychiatrists
who pass in the hall? The first says, "Hello," and the
the other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
DOCTOR
(laughing) I’ve not heard that one before. Is it one of
your own?
JACKIE
Yes –
THE VOICE
No! She got it from me.
JACKIE
Well – I got it from one of my voices.
DOCTOR
You’re kidding!
JACKIE
Usually her jokes are pretty corny but sometimes she
gives me –
THE VOICE
A real corker! (She sets JACKIE spinning again)
DOCTOR
Good for her… and good for you!
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Gradually JACKIE starts to take control and the spinning slows.
LUKE
Getting better?
LAURA
She will –
JIMMY
She is –
MAGGIE
She may .
COLLEEN
It’ll all come out in the wash, Jackie, you’ll see.
DOCTOR
I see a marked improvement in Jackie.
STELLA
She’s definitely recovering.
COLLEEN
She’s responding to treatment.
PAOLO
It’s great to see you looking so full of life.
LUKE
You’re looking better, Mum. And you’re talking sense.
MAGGIE
You’ll be going home before me at this rate.
THE VOICE
It’s not over yet. She’s not heard the last of me.
Someone brings her a chair. She sits. Someone brings her notebook. She writes.
COLLEEN comes and sits beside her.
COLLEEN
How are you today?
JACKIE
Better. The voices are still in my head but…
COLLEEN
I know they are. They’ll always be there.
JACKIE
But somehow my head’s a lot clearer. I’m not sure
how I feel about facing the outside world though.
COLLEEN
You’ll manage. You’ve got past the turning point.
JACKIE
How do you mean?
COLLEEN.
The past is behind you now, and it’s a fresh start.
JACKIE
Is it?
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COLLEEN.
You’re very creative. I’m always seeing you scribbling
in that notebook. Perhaps you could write about your
experiences.
JACKIE
I’m not a writer though. I’m a comedian.
COLLEEN
Well put this in your act!
SCENE 11 – The same
LAURA enters with flowers. JACKIE hugs her.
LAURA
How’ve you been, Mum?
JACKIE
So much better. I’ve been writing a few gags. What’s
been happening at home?
LAURA
Dad phoned. He said he’s off to the Far East.
JACKIE
Typical. He only rings us when he’s got something to
boast about. Never mind, how are you? And how is
Luke getting on? Has he stopped missing lessons?
LAURA
I don’t know. He seems a bit happier these days. And
I’m all right. But I’ll be better still when you’re home
again.
JACKIE
Won’t be long now. Dr Fitzwilliam saw me this
morning. He said …
DOCTOR
Now Jackie. You’re very much improved so I’d like to
discuss some home leave with you…
JACKIE
(narration mode) So I went home. For a whole
weekend…
SCENE 12 – Jackie’s House
LUKE, LAURA and PAOLO build ‘home’ around JACKIE.
LUKE
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JACKIE
Luke, love, it’s great to be home. How are you? Are
you missing me?
LUKE
Miss your cooking. Getting a bit fed up with Paolo’s
food.
JACKIE
And how about school. You have been going, haven’t
you?
LUKE
School’s fine, Mum, honest. No one’s told me off for
weeks. (Beat) Mum, when will they let you come
home for good? You don’t seem sick to me.
JACKIE
I’ll be out soon. And then I can look after you properly.
LUKE
Wish you could stay longer.
JACKIE
But I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. I went back to hospital
but I knew it wasn’t forever.
SCENE 13a – Psychiatric Unit : Day Ward
PATIENTS enter as before but somehow it doesn’t seem so noisy or hectic now.
PAOLO enters and sits with JACKIE.
PAOLO
Has anyone ever told you why it happened?
JACKIE
Doctor Fitzwilliam says it’s in my genes, and it was
triggered by stress.
PAOLO
Caused by me, I suppose?
JACKIE
No. Caused by me.
It was my attitude that was wrong, but I think I’ve
learned to change it. You’ll see when I get home.
PAOLO
So you’re really back to normal?
JACKIE
Almost. But I’ll be on medication for a long time I
think.
PAOLO
And I’ll see that you remember to take it.
STELLA
(calls) Jackie…!
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SCENE 13b
Stylised ‘Court Room’ scene. The DOCTOR appears as ‘Judge’.
JACKIE
(standing) Doctor Fitzwilliam, I put it to you that I’m
ready to be discharged. You are going to agree, aren’t
you?
DOCTOR
I agree, Jackie. The home treatment team will be in
touch, and you’ll see me regularly at outpatients.
Provided you stick to your positive attitude I think
you’ll find life will go on much as before.
JACKIE
Not quite as before.
I know I’ve been – difficult - but thanks to you, I’ve
learned a lot about myself in here and, I’m sure
everyone will agree, there are one or two things that I
need to change.
VOICES
Hear, hear!
DOCTOR
I’m glad we’ve been able to help you. Well, goodbye
for the present and good luck. (He leaves.)
VOICES
Hurrah! (They clap and cheer)
SCENE 13c – Phone call
PAOLO’s phone rings. SUSAN appears separately.
PAOLO
Yes? Hi Susan… She’s standing right next to me. He
hands phone to JACKIE)
JACKIE
Susan!
SUSAN
Where are you? Have you come home?
JACKIE
Tomorrow. Paolo’s collecting me tomorrow morning.
SUSAN
That’s wonderful. How do you feel?
JACKIE
Relieved and terrified. But I’m going to be all right.
SUSAN
Of course you are. And what about the act?
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JACKIE
I’m working on it.
SUSAN
Not retiring then?
JACKIE
No! I’ve got lots of new ideas. The ward’s an
inspiration when it comes to comedy.
SUSAN
My! You have changed. I’m looking forward to seeing
the new show.
STELLA has spotted JACKIE on phone and walks towards her.
JACKIE
Front seats for everybody, I promise you. (Seeing
STELLA advancing!) I’ve got to go. I’m not meant to
be on the phone in here.
SUSAN
All right. See you soon, darling.
Spotlight on SUSAN goes out.
PATIENTS and NURSES leave.
SCENE 14 – Jackie’s House : 2 months later.
PAOLO, LUKE and LAURA build ‘home’ around JACKIE as before. All the time
JACKIE is writing gags.
JIMMY is there, talking on the phone.
JIMMY
The booking’s confirmed. You’ve got ten days to get
the act together.
JACKIE
No problem. It’s nearly ready.
JIMMY
That’s good going.
JACKIE
I sketched it out in hospital. You’d be surprised how
many good ideas I got there.
JIMMY
So it wasn’t a completely negative experience?
JACKIE
It’s been like a journey into myself and then finding
the way out again.
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JIMMY
I think I’m going to like the new you and the new
improved act. Now – let’s drink a toast to it…
JACKIE
Alcohol’s out while I’m on tablets. There’s some fizzy
water though.
JIMMY
Oh well. I’ll try anything once. (He opens the bottle of
water and pours it into two glasses) Here’s to the new
you.
JACKIE
To me – and to the future.
SCENE 15 – Comedy Venue
In an echo of the Prologue, LUKE, LAURA, PAOLO, JIMMY and SUSAN
transform JACKIE into her ‘showbiz’ self.
JACKIE
Jackie… Stand-up comedian… Still the right side of forty.
Living with –
PAOLO
Paolo – a musician.
JACKIE
Two children –
LAURA
(irritated) Luke..!
LUKE
What, Laura?
LAURA
I nearly poked her eye out.
LUKE
You should be more careful.
LAURA
You nudged me.
LUKE
(playful) Did not.
LAURA
Did.
JIMMY
Ready, gorgeous?
PAOLO
She’s ready.
LUKE
Not nervous are you, Mum? You’ll be great. They’ll love
you.
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JACKIE
Suppose they don’t think I’m funny?
SUSAN
Of course they’ll think you’re funny. You haven’t lost your
touch, have you?
JACKIE
You’ll soon know.
LAURA
Hope the adrenalin’s flowing. It helps you perform better.
LUKE
How would you know?
LAURA
Learned it in Human Biology. Here’s to your new beginning,
Mum.
LUKE
Are there many out there?
PAOLO
The place is packed.
JIMMY
You’d better get round She’s on in two minutes
ALL
Good luck, Mum… Good luck, darling… Knock ‘em dead etc
LUKE, LAURA, PAOLO and SUSAN find seats in the audience.
JIMMY
This is it, baby. You look stunning.
JACKIE
Thanks, Jimmy. Fingers crossed. Here I go then.
Change of LX marks JACKIE’s arrival on stage.
Applause and whistles from the audience.
JACKIE
Thank you, thank you. I’ve been ‘resting’ you know so
tonight I thought you’d like to hear all about my experiences
in that five-star holiday resort, Elmtree Psychiatric Hospital.
Hesitant laughter
Oh you mustn’t think it was all bad. Some of it was
diabolical!
(narration mode) I know. I know… but I had to start
somewhere. I wasn’t nervous – I was absolutely terrified! But
I only dried once.
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(performance mode) You know, some people say there’s not
a lot of difference… not a lot of difference between…
THE VOICE
(from audience) Between a psychiatrist and God.
Laughter.
JACKIE
(looks out into audience and mouths) Thank you.
(narration mode again) And they laughed. They thought I
was funny. And as they warmed up, I warmed up. I even
started to enjoy myself.
(performance mode) Thank you for that very warm welcome.
And now I’m off to see my new partner. We met in Ward H4
and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He has
Multiple Personality Disorder so I go to bed with a different
man every night, but there’s only one lot of washing to do.
Laughter and applause.
LX takes JACKIE backstage again. JIMMY is there.
JACKIE
They loved me Jimmy!
JIMMY
Didn’t I tell you? Congratulations.
JACKIE
Keep an eye on me will you? Tell me if you think I’m
heading for another episode.
JIMMY
Of course I will. Don’t worry. Everyone will support
you, darling…
LAURA
(entering) Mum..! You were brilliant!
PAOLO, LUKE, and SUSAN also enter and congratulate JACKIE ad lib… then....
LUKE
Welcome back, Mum.
End
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