Spring 2007 Sentence-Level Revision Exercise: The Basics Explained
1.
The Africans depicted on the borders of the 17th Century map resemble people more than the monsters in the
Psalter map yet they are still a frightening image. (C)
Problem/Hacker Ref: Hacker, 52 -- coordinating conjunction joining independent clauses.
Rewrite: The Africans depicted on the borders of the 17th Century map resemble people more than the
monsters in the Psalter map{,} yet they are still a frightening image.
2.
Ask any person on the street who was the most influential scientist of the twentieth century, and they will
inevitably tell you Albert Einstein. (N/P, awk syntax)
Problem/Hacker reference: “Any person” is singular, so it doesn’t work with “they.” Something about that
“who was” doesn’t sound like a question, and spoils the syntax.
Rewrite: Ask anybody on the street who the most influential scientist of the twentieth century was, and he or
she will inevitably name Albert Einstein. OR. . . Ask people who the most influential scientist of the twentieth
century was, and they will probably mention Albert Einstein.
3.
In Ruysch's time men have seen enough of the world to know of a T-O map's inaccuracy and due to
scientific advancement in the fields of mathematics and mapmaking tools, cartography provided a more
realistic impression of the land and sea which sailors saw. (Tense, Commas, that/which)
Problem/Hacker reference: Comma after the introductory phrase; another comma between the two clauses;
first clause is in present perfect tense, the second is in simple past – both should be the same. “Field of . . .
mapmaking tools?” not parallel with “field of mathematics”; “That,” not “which” in last phrase.
Rewrite: In Ruysch’s time, men had seen enough of the world to know that the T-O map was inaccurate, and,
due to advancements in mathematics and mapmaking, cartography was now able to provide a more realistic
impression of the land and sea that sailors actually saw. OR. . . that the T-O map was inaccurate; moreover,
advancements in mathematics and mapmaking allowed cartographers to produce maps that looked much more
realistic.
4.
We know this attitude, that communism represented a threat to national security, was common at the
time; an idea based on years of anti-Communist rhetoric. (Frag.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Something unnecessary about that comma after “attitude.” A semi-colon must
have complete sentences on either side. The second clause has no verb, so the semi-colon makes it a fragment.
Rewrite: We know the attitude that communism represented a threat to national security was common at the
time; the idea was based on years of anti-communist rhetoric. OR. . . The attitude that communism represented
a threat to national security – an idea based on years of anti-communist rhetoric – was common at the time.
[The second example makes the fragmented clause an “appositive; that’s what an appositive is for.]
5.
Young created the double-slit experiment, which was a source light shining through a screen with two
slits. There is also another screen behind the screen with the slits. (Wordy, weak verbs, “there is,”
tense.)
Problem/Hacker reference: OK – the light shining through the screen is the setup of the experiment, but it’s
not the experiment itself. “There is” is a weak way to open the second sentence, and the first sentence is in past
tense while the second is in present. Slow down, simplify, clarify.
Rewrite: Young’s double-slit experiment involved a light source and two screens placed one behind the other:
light was shone onto the second screen through two slits cut in the first. [Essentially, I just tried to say it as
simply as possible. As long as you’ve written a complete sentence, you can use a colon to flesh it out with an
example.]
6.
The Bohr-Einstein debate (later to be known as the Copenhagen interpretation versus Einstein, Podolsky
and Rosen), was an argument of what was happening on an atomic level. (Awk syntx, parallelism?)
Problem/Hacker reference: OK – “Copenhagen” is an interpretation, while EPR is a paper. That’s why
anybody familiar with the subject will be thrown off by the parallel. You don’t need any of it. Arguments are
always “about” something, not “of” something.
Rewrite: The Bohr-Einstein debate was an argument about what was happening on the atomic level. OR. . .
Bohr and Einstein debated on a number of occasions about what was happening on the atomic level.
7.
The two factors of complementarity that contributes to its measurement are its mutual exclusiveness and
joint completion. (S/V, awk. Identify the problems, then clarify in any way you can.)
Problem/Hacker reference: “Factors” doesn’t work with “contributes.” Just kind of lose this one in the words
at the end. Simplify and clarify.
Rewrite: The two most important tenets of the complementarity theory are mutual exclusiveness and joint
exhaustiveness.
8.
Niels Bohr, and his followers have felt that the discipline can paint an accurate and comprehensive
picture of reality even without obtaining all the information about the reality of a given particle or wave.
(C, wordy, tenses, awk.)
Problem/Hacker reference: No comma needed after “Bohr”; try a simpler tense – “have felt” not necessary,
and it complicates syntax. “Reality” repeated unnecessarily.
Rewrite: Niels Bohr and his followers felt that they could paint an accurate and comprehensive picture of
reality, even if they couldn’t know everything about a given particle or wave. (We did some other versions of
this in class. You get the picture.)
9.
[The next sentence.] They feel that the uncertainty accompanied with the measurement of such objects is
not due to the scientist’s ignorance, but actually due to an uncertainty built into the reality of the particle
or wave that will never allow a, “complete” description. (C, P, apostrophe, parallelism, weak verbs. Try
to identify all the problems, then just rewrite to clarify.)
Problem/Hacker reference: “Accompanied with” just clouds the issue. The complicated thought would be
more clearly expressed by a simple parallel structure: see below. No comma needed before “complete.” The
rest is apostrophes, etc.
Rewrite: They feel the uncertainty that accompanies the measurement of such properties stems not from the
scientists’ ignorance, but from an uncertainty built into reality itself – one that will never allow a “complete”
description. (Again, we did some other versions of this in class.)
10. In the South among those that live and work closely with the majority of blacks we find economics seem
to hold a large part in determining the attitudes of whites toward blacks. Those unlearned holding the
most fear and prejudice. (C, Awk., Frag.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Comma after introductory phrase; “hold” is a pretty weak verb, buried under “we
find”; the second sentence isn’t a sentence, since “holding” isn’t really a verb. A colon would work there. Oh –
and people are ALWAYS “who” and NEVER “that.”
Rewrite: In the South, among whites who live and work closely with blacks, economics seems to play a large
role in determining the attitudes of whites toward blacks: the uneducated exhibit the most fear and prejudice.
11. After about a year of solely cashiering, the management decided that I could help out in the Bake Shop,
the Dunkin’ Donuts that was located inside the store and in the Florist Department. (MM, ambiguous
phrasing)
Problem/Hacker reference: First phrase dangles a modifier – “the management” didn’t cashier for a year; the
last half of the sentence includes a confusing list. Do anything you can -- different parallel structure, including
a clarifying statement and a cololn -- to clarify.
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Rewrite: After I had cashiered for about a year, the management decided I could help out in the Bake Shop, in
the Dunkin’ Donuts located inside the store, and in the Florist Department. OR. . . After I had cashiered for
about a year, I was allowed to move into three further areas: the Bake Shop, the in-store Dunkin’ Donuts, and
the Florist Department.
12. Artemio used an external mask to convince the public eye that he was a man of honor and dignity and
persuade others to trust his actions. (Parallelism, maybe wordy?)
Problem/Hacker reference: “he was a man” and “persuade others” not parallel in construction. Try instead to
parallel the verbs – “to convince” and “to persuade.” See below. Also could be said in fewer words.
Rewrite: Artemio used an external mask to convince the public that he was a man of honor and dignity, and to
persuade others to trust him.
13. Einstein, by his own definition of completeness, feels the opposite and contrary to Bohr and popular
belief, feels such uncertainty has to do with our own lack of knowledge, and that all values can be
associated with reality, and if they aren’t, then it is because the science is not complete. (Wordy.
Technically a run-on. Identify how, but then revise to clarify.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Sentence gets lost between “feels” and “knowledge” – that’s where it loses its
way. Try to simplify wording, clarify syntax, and divide into simpler, shorter sentences.
Rewrite: Einstein, because of his definition of “completeness,” felt the opposite. Unlike Bohr and most other
physicists, he believed that quantum uncertainty had to do with our own lack of knowledge. He felt that all
values could be associated with reality; the fact that they were not only meant that science was not yet complete.
(Or something like that. We wrote some better versions in class; the key is to break it into shorter, simpler
sentences.)
14. The consequences of many of these changes will inevitably have a negative affect on the !Kung cultural
legacy. (Wordy, ww.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Unnecessarily wordy. “Affect” is a verb (except in special circumstances that
don’t apply here); “effect” is a noun. You Affect things, but you have AN Effect on them.
Rewrite: Many of these changes will inevitably have a negative effect on the !Kung cultural legacy. OR. . .
These changes will inevitably damage the !Kung cultural legacy.
15. Submitting to [Artemio Cruz] would involve admitting the death of her brother and also force her to
accept Artemio’s lie that he did not betray her brother. (Parallelism)
Problem/Hacker reference: “Admitting” is a gerund – a participle acting like a noun; “to accept” is an
infinitive. They don’t parallel each other, and that’s why the sentence sounds funny.
Rewrite: Submitting to Artemio would force her to admit the death of her brother, and also to accept Artemio’s
lie about betraying her brother. OR. . . Submitting to Artemio would involve admitting the death of her brother
and accepting Artemio’s lie about his death.
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Spring 2007 Sentence-Level Revision Exercise: The Basics Explained (cont.)
16. These equations state that the measured change in a particles position, and the measured change in the
particles momentum have a limit, that is, the precision of these two measurements together has to be less
than h/4. (P, C/S)
Problem/Hacker reference: Apostrophes all around; comma splice after “that is” – two complete sentences
connected with nothing but a comma.
Rewrite:These equations state that the measured changes in a particle’s position and in its momentum have a
limit: that is, the precision of these two measurements together must be less than h/4.
17. The two physicists had argued back and forth through many thought experiments that Einstein had
created to beat the Uncertainty Principle, one example is the photon box. (C/S)
Problem/Hacker reference: Classic comma splice. Hear it? Fix with period, colon, semi-colon or comma
plus coordinating conjunction.
Rewrite: The two physicists argued back and forth over the many thought experiments Einstein created to beat
the Uncertainty Principle. One example is the photon box.
18. In the most basic terms, a particle is a small piece of matter, that can be acted upon by other particles.
(C, that/which. Look up “restrictive” in Hacker.)
Problem/Hacker reference: The phrase is really restrictive: that means use “that,” but without a comma. See
below.
Rewrite: In the most basic terms, a particle is a small piece of matter that can be acted upon by other particles.
19. One of the endearing hurdles of comprehension in quantum physics is the concept of the wave-particle
duality of light. (ww?)
Problem/Hacker reference: Gotta love those hurdles. They’re so ca-yute!
Rewrite: One of the enduring hurdles to comprehension in quantum physics is the concept of the wave-particle
duality of light.
20. As American economic interests played out in Europe the Soviet Union’s desire to control a large part of
Eastern Europe became problematic. (C, IPM)
Problem/Hacker reference: There are two ways of rewriting this sentence, each meaning two different things.
I’ve done both below to illustrate how ambiguous a sentence can get if you leave a crucial comma out.
Rewrite: As American economic interests played out, in Europe the Soviet Union’s desire to control a large
part of Eastern Europe became problematic. OR. . . As American economic interests played out in Europe, the
Soviet Union’s desire to control a large part of Eastern Europe became problematic
21. Roosevelt seemed to genuinely want fair concessions for both the U.S. and Russia in the post-war world,
but Roosevelt and Stalin had very different concepts of fair. (S/I, awk phrasing)
Problem/Hacker reference: Technically, the split infinitive is left over from Latin grammar. Still, it’s
something to avoid – “to want” is the verb form, and it’s generally a good idea to avoid breaking it up. Use
scare quotes when you use words AS words. “Fair” is an adjective – would “fairness,” a noun, work better?
Rewrite: Roosevelt seemed genuinely to want fair concessions for both the U.S. and Russia in the post-war
world, but Roosevelt and Stalin had very different concepts of fairness. OR. . . had very different concepts of
“fair.”
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22. As different experiments yielded out different results – some conclusive and others being complete
failures – scientists around the globe tried to prove its classification. (Wordy, parallelism, Ref. Note that
this is the first sentence of a paragraph.)
Problem/Hacker reference: There’s no way to yield but out. The stuff inside the dashes isn’t parallel, which
is why it’s hard to read; what does “prove its classification” mean?
Rewrite: As different experiments yielded different results – some conclusive, some merely confusing –
scientists around the world tried to classify it. (Still not sure what “it” is. . .)
23. Artemio joined the revolution for the same ideals as numerous other peasants had done: to up rise and
obtain independence from the land owners who exploited them. (Awk phrasing. Just simplify to clarify.)
Problem/Hacker reference: “Numerous” is a word that suggests a swarm – sort of inhuman for this sentence.
The rest is just a matter of looking for the simplest way to say this.
Rewrite: Artemio joined the revolution for the same reasons as many other peasants: to rise up and to gain
independence from the landowners who exploited them.
24. Sorry – did this one before. It’s #7.
25. Most obviously affecting the American colonies’ freedom to take shape on their own was simply the
distance from the mother country. (Hmmm. Wordy. What’s the grammatical subject?)
Problem/Hacker reference: The subject begins with “most” and ends with “own.” The verb is “was.” Huge
subject, weak verb, problem sentence.
Rewrite: The American colonies’ freedom to take shape on their own was most obviously affected by their
distance from the mother country. OR. . . The American colonies were free to take shape on their own, largely
because of their great distance from the mother country.
26. The Land Annuities Campaign was connected to the IRA. What they did was they would collect money
to help these farmers buy their farms back and would also help the farmers hide the livestock and crops
so when the English came to collect there would be nothing there for them to take. (Commas, awk.
syntax -- supply Hacker refs for the comma problems, then rewrite to make more direct and clear.)
Problem/Hacker reference: A perennial favorite. Just cut words ruthlessly. See below.
Rewrite: The Land Annuities Campaign (LAC) was connected to the IRA. The LAC collected money to help
farmers buy their farms back; they also helped farmers hide livestock and crops, so when the English came to
collect them there was nothing for them to take.
27. We are all taught from a very young age that slavery was an evil which has justly been removed from our
society. (Restrictive? That/which. The change is less important than seeing WHY the change is
necessary.)
Problem/Hacker reference: “That” is for restrictive clauses, and it doesn’t take a comma; “which” is for
nonrestrictive clauses, and it does.
Rewrite: We are all taught from a very young age that slavery was an evil that has been justly removed from
our society.
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28. Truman’s speech focuses often on “freeing the Greek peoples. But, freedom is never defined in the
speech, the historian John Fousack finds this a major fault, “in Truman’s March 12 usage, and in the
dominant U.S. foreign policy discourse. . .(etc.)” (C, C/S)
Problem/Hacker reference: Need an end quote after “peoples.” No comma after “but.” Comma splice after
“speech.” Hear it? The rest is just awkwardness of one variety or another.
Rewrite: Truman’s speech focuses often on “freeing the Greek peoples,” but freedom is never defined in the
speech. John Fousack finds this a major fault: “in Truman’s March 12 usage, and in the dominant U.S. foreign
policy discourse. . .”
29. The history of how he came to be this way is left out of the novel, but instead, he is introduced in a way so
the reader can see the complete and utter desolation in which he deals with on an everyday basis. (Just
wordy. Simplify to clarify.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Hmmm. . . “history of how we came to be this way” is a long way of saying
“history,” or “how we came to be this way.” “In which” misses the real syntax – “with which.” (See below.)
Simplify, simplify, simplify.
Rewrite: How he came to be this way is left out of the novel; instead, he is introduced in a way that allows the
reader to see the complete and utter desolation with which he lives every day.
30. After World War One inactionary President Woodrow Wilson did almost nothing to curb the revolting
nature of black soldiers reentry into America, but Truman acted entirely different when he found out
about the violence ensuing in America. (Awk, wordy, one very troubling ambiguity. . . read aloud and
then try to clarify by simplifying.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Need a comma after intro phrase. Need to listen: “inactionary” will confuse
some readers, but “revolting nature” means two very different things here. That ambiguity can be resolved
simply by carving this into smaller sentences.
Rewrite: After World War I, President Woodrow Wilson did almost nothing to curb the violence black soldiers
faced upon reentering the U.S; Truman, however, acted entirely differently when he found out about the
interracial violence taking place in the U.S. after World War II. (We did some other versions of this in class.
Just note that it’s now two sentences, with the semi-colon indicating their relationship.)
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