A Near-Future Re-imagining of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice by George the
vampire.
Act 1, Scene 1
The scene is set with like some guys hanging around or something in the background
and then like the NARRATOR appears. He has a hat. Some of the guys include MR
BENNET, MRS BENNET, LIZZY, JANE, MARY, TUSKY (a robo-elephant) and
LYDIA.
Narrator:
Two households, both alike in dignity,
Oops, wrong start. Anyways, so these ones are the Bennets and stuff.
And look, like, it’s a truth universally acknowledged (even in the nearfuture) that a man of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Is that
like want as in “lacking” or want as in “I want cake”? I am lacking
cake? Well, I am… So like, anyway, take it away guys:
Mrs Bennet:
Let’s go see that new Mr Bingley cos he’s rich and I’d like for my
space-daughters to get married. Especially Jane, she’s the pretty one
(indicates JANE). Tusky is also a top performer and robo-elephant!
(TUSKY curtseys). To the ball!
They walk off.
Act 1, Scene 2
The scene changes to MR BINGLEY’s house. It is futuristic. There’s probably a lava
lamp. MR DARCY is there, as is MR BINGLEY and MISS BINGLEY.
Miss Bingley: Oh, Mr Darcy, you’ve got such big strong arms and stuff.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAKE!
Bingley:
That’s right, old chum. Toodle pip and whatnot. We’re friends in the,
er, space jobs we have. I’m a man of a good fortune and I’m in want of
(in the sense of both lacking and wanting) a wife. You are too.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAAAAAKE!
Bingley:
And then some people turned up.
The Bennets arrive, without their father.
Mrs Bennet:
Quick, Jane, work your magic! Or maybe it’s just enlightened
science…
Jane:
May I have this dance?
Everyone boogies. It’s the future, so like, electropop or something?
Lizzy:
So, Mr Darcy, you’re handsome and stuff.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAKE!
Lizzy:
Beautifully put. Although I find you very proud and myself very
prejudiced or something to that effect.
Jane:
Zomg, that Mr Bingley is hawt. I want to do him. In a ladylike way.
Lizzy:
Darcy’s rich, but an arse. No way will I shake my booty with him
again.
Darcy (aside): I am so quickly in love with that Lizzy girl, not that I can ever tell her,
because, fuck, then everything would be over too quickly.
Exeunt. Which is Latin for “everyone fucks off”. We then return to the Bennet
household for:
Act 1, Scene 3
The Bennets are there. Tusky is doing an awesome dance.
Mrs Bennet:
I like to get people married, but Lizzy is much too awesome and
independent and stuff so like I guess she’ll have a shitty husband. I’ll
call a slimy man I know.
MR COLLINS, a slimy man Mrs Bennet knows, enters.
Collins:
It may be somewhat egregious of me to appear so perspicacious in my
veracity, but, Elizabeth, beautiful nymphette, as I am about to inherit
your lovely house, will you do me the honour of marrying a humble
butt-ugly priest like me?
Lizzy:
No. Go away you horrible little man.
Collins:
Ok. I’ll give your best friend a call. She’s probably desperate and has
less of a mouth on her. Bitch.
He disappears.
Mrs Bennet:
Lizzy, you suck at marrying Mr Collins. Go and see some soldiers to
see if they’ll marry you. Take your sisters, that Tusky is a real looker.
Once again, the scene changes. Everyone leaves.
Act 1, Scene 4
There are some soldiers hanging around including MR WICKHAM. Lydia and Tusky
are being fawned over by them and fawning themselves. This is just as silly as it
sounds. Lizzy and Jane are there too.
Wickham:
I am super smexy. All the ladeez want me like a new space handbag.
With like rocket boosters, wow that would be really sweet. And solar
panels. Also.
Lizzy:
Wow, he’s awesome. I’ve practically forgotten all about that Darcy
guy.
Wickham:
Darcy’s an evil fuck. He’s worse than the river that killed my father
and raped my mother.
Lizzy (aside): Men that have had a tragic life or something are great.
Act 2, Scene 1
The Narrator comes on.
Narrator:
And now it was Act 2. To explain more dull background, Bingley and
his sister have gone to, er, Eastern Space. The Bennets are all sad about
this, especially Jane and Mrs Bennet. Jane goes to visit. Collins marries
Lizzy’s best friend, Charlotte.
He exits, Mrs Bennet and Lizzy come on.
Mrs Bennet:
I am once again distraught and things because none of my daughters
are married yet. Get your acts together! Oh look, here’s a convenient
expository letter from Jane so we don’t have to have another dull scene
with her in. When do Mr Bennet and I get to have some hot geriatricon-geriatric action? Ok, she says that she hasn’t seen Bingley and his
sister was mean to her. The end, boo-freaking-hoo.
Lizzy:
And then I went to see (she shudders) Collins again and his new wife
too.
Exeunt.
Act 2, Scene 2
We open on the humble space vicarage of Mr Collins and his new wife CHARLOTTE.
Lizzy is having tea with them.
Lizzy:
You have a nice space vicarage. How is the Space Pope de Burgh?
Collins:
He’s most plentiferous in his kindly favours to me, a humble worm in
comparison to his munificence. You know he’s that twat Darcy’s
patron also? But wait, who’s that at the door? I think my wife and I
will go and see or something and leave you conveniently alone.
Collins and Charlotte exit. Darcy enters a moment later.
Darcy:
I COME IN THROUGH A DOOOOR!
Lizzy:
Mr Darcy!
Darcy (aside): Ok, play it cool, she’s a sophisticated girl, but she’ll appreciate some
directness.
Darcy:
MAAARRRRYYYY MEEEEE!
Lizzy:
Eww, two icky proposals in the same dull play? No thanks, you’re still
too proud and I am prejudiced also. Although also now I might be a bit
proud too. You’re mean for trying to break up Bingley and Jane and
for the nasty stuff you did to that heart-throbly Wickham *swoon*
Darcy:
OOOH NOES!
Darcy leaves. As he does so, he throws a letter at Lizzy. Lydia enters.
Lizzy:
Ooh, a letter from Darcy! He says he thought Jane and Bingley was
just a fling and didn’t know she’d gone to *ahem* Eastern Space. And
also he says Wickham’s a real twat for trying to fuck his sister for her
cash. Now I am ambivalent in my feelings for him.
Lydia:
I shouldn’t be in this scene, but am in order to say that I’m
disappearing somewhere else in order for plot development or
whatever.
Lizzy:
In the next scene, I learn that Darcy is ok after all. I can tell you this
because it’s the near-future and we’ve perfected time travel. Lydia
probably travelled back in time.
They fuck off.
Act 2, Scene 3
Darcy’s house. There’s lots of tin foil, it looks awesome, though. Darcy is there with
Lizzy.
Darcy (aside): Ok, play it cool, D. There’s no need for her to know how much her
saying no fucked you up.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAAAAAKE!
Lizzy:
All of a sudden, that shouting is attractive to me again. (She gets a
letter out of her pocket) Oh, another letter. This one says that
Wickham’s fucked off with Lydia, how is this happening? She’s like
the youngest and not nearly as pretty as Jane, as cool as me or as tusky
as Tusky! Mary sucks and doesn’t even get a line. Time travel.
They leave.
Act 2, Scene 4
The Bennets talk amongst themselves. Lydia is absent.
Mrs Bennet:
It’s freaking awesome that Lydia’s married.
Tusky:
I look so much better than her. (she poses)
Mr Bennet:
I haven’t had a line yet, but am an awesome character. Watch as I go
and get Wickham.
He exits and then returns immediately.
Mr Bennet:
I didn’t find them, but am still an awesome character. (He poses too.)
Also, someone else did find them and someone’s paid Wickham to
marry Lydia, which still sucks great big floppy donkey dick.
Lizzy:
It was Darcy! Exclamation!
Exeunt.
Act 3, Scene 1
Wickham and Lydia turn up. Lizzy, Jane and Bingley too.
Mr Bennet: You two suck (pointing to the former). You are fine, but dull (pointing
to the latter)
Bingley (to Lizzy):
Where’s Jane? I want to woo her more.
Darcy enters, from a lake.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAAAAAKE! (He does)
Bingley:
Jane, wanna get hitched?
Jane:
Sure thing, sugar daddy.
Lizzy:
Now I love Darcy more. Er, even more. He’s so eloquent, plus that
lake thing is supercool.
They exit. Darcy goes back into the lake.
Act 3, Scene 2
The SPACE POPE enters with Lizzy.
SP:
Lizzy, you suck for wooing Darcy.
Lizzy:
He proposed to me!
SP:
Whatever, I’m the motherfucking Space Pope. Also, if he asks again,
you’ll say no, right?
Lizzy (Shrugging): What if I don’t?
SP:
I’ll fuck you up. I do that, being le Pope de Space.
They go.
Act 3, Scene 3
Lizzy, Darcy and Tusky are walking along.
Tusky:
I haven’t had my chance to shine as a character yet. And I don’t get it
now.
Tusky exits.
Lizzy:
I liiiike you. What you did for Jane and my dad was cool.
Darcy:
I COME OUT OF A LAKE! Also, I love you.
Lizzy:
You know, the Space Pope doesn’t want us to get married. But I might
if you asked.
Darcy:
YOOOU MAARRRY MEEE!?
Lizzy:
Oh, Darcy! That’s so beautiful!
The Narrator enters.
Narrator:
If we spacemen have offended, think but this and all is mended: It’s
over, you can fuck off home. Ingrates, wouldn’t know great art if it
walked over and smacked them in the face.
Everyone goes away. They don’t come back until people are applauding.
THE END