Objective: to practice revision to enhance the clarity and
development of a portion of writing.
DIRECTIONS:
You
will be given/choose a sample of an excerpt from a student’s in
class essay (maybe even your own J).
You are to find ways to enhance or improve the effectiveness of the
excerpt.
Consider adding in significant details that add a more meaningful
layer of analysis to the comments already made. This could simply be
precise adjectives, an additional phrase that makes a connection or
shows effect or importance and so on.
STEPS:
1. Read the options (below)
2. Make a selection by copying and pasting the option to a word
document and save it to your h drive.
3.Copy and paste the item several times into a single document
(2-3 times)
4. Turn on track changes
5. Make any additions you feel will enhance the excerpt-Play
around with revision. Experiment with word choice. Try different
examples or additional explanations. Consider a different form of
organization.
6. Save and print your revisions.
7. Turn in!
STUDENT ESSAY IMPROVEMENT OPTION A
A very useful technique that is seen a lot in Anglo-Saxon poetry is alliteration.
Alliteration can strengthen a meaning of a line or two tremendously. In the lines of
Beowulf, "No, I expect no Danes/Will fret about sewing our shrouds," the "s" sound in
the words "sewing" and "shrouds" adds emphasis when you feel the velvet sound roll off
of your tongue. Alliteration creates a kind of "sound image" that helps convey the
immense emotion attached to the idea.
The technique that goes hand-in-hand with alliteration is assonance. Assonance is
represented in the lines, "Flesh to the moors, crunch on our bones/And smear torn scraps
of our skin on the walls." The vowel sound in the words "moors," "bones, " and "torn"
add an eerie aura to the unique sound of these liens. The line was already meant to be
creepy, but when you add that "oh" sound to the words, not only the meaning seems dark,
but also the sound.
STUDENT ESSAY IMPROVEMENT OPTION B
Beowulf is an epic hero, and the description of one is a major theme of this
passage. "I drove 5 great giants into chains" shows how strong Beowulf is. Also the
supernatural beings of the time. It also mentions how honorable he is by not using a
sword to fight Grendel. Instead Beowulf uses his hands just like the evil monster. The
piece also reflects on how Beowulf is a leader of his time. He is the man to go fight
monsters and he has many men committed and following after him.
Another theme presented throughout the piece is Christianity vs. Paganism. This
theme follows a specific pattern going from a Christian example to a pagan example.
This strongly reflects the time period, they still believe in fate yet Christianity is sneaking
in. "God must decide who will give in," then shortly followed by, "Fate will unwind as it
must." This clearly states the two beliefs, man can change his future, then man cannot do
anything to change his future.
STUDENT ESSAY IMPROVEMENT OPTION C
While reading the passage about Beowulf, the universal theme of good vs. evil is
illustrated. Throughout the excerpt, Grendel is described as both the pagan version of a
monster and the Christian version of a devil; either way Grendel is the evil, while
Beowulf and his men are the good. This reflects the culture of the Anglo-Saxons because
they were in between pagan and Christianity at the time. Fate is also a theme that is
shown as Beowulf screams, "Fate will unwind as it must." This theme also reflects the
pagan beliefs of the Anglo-Saxon time period.
STUDENT ESSAY IMPROVEMENT OPTION D
Structure supports the theme of Beowulf's selfless nobility. In line 6, the line
"Five great giants into chains, chased" uses alliteration to show Beowulf's honorable
might. The hard sounds of the "g's" and "ch's" show his rigidness. Dramatic pauses
called caesuras also show this: "Against the monster. God must decide." The pause
between the two hemistiches allows the reader time to absorb the meaning of the words.