Bottom Series 1, Episode 1. Smells.
-----------------------------------by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall.
Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------[Eddie and Richie return from the pub.]
Richie:
made
I mean what happened there?
I just don't understand it.
I
all the right moves: I winked, I smiled - one of my nice
ones as
well - I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my
special
eyes and said "Hello big tits, looking for some action?"
And
Eddie:
Richie:
should
what did she say?
I think she said no, didn't she?
That's right! No. Blasted lesbians everywhere.
have labels on them or something.
They
I wasted half an hour on
those
two. Prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks backwards and forwards to the Gent's I was going. Look at
this,
look at this!
here.
Eddie:
off
I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down
I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 'cause they got
with those other blokes.
Those, er, handsomer, wittier,
erm,
well basically those two guys who didn't have a load of
toilet
Richie:
bottle
paper stuffed down their trousers.
Yeah, well you hardly helped, did you?
Stuffing a Vimto
down the front of your pants and shouting "Wahoo, looking
for the
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
face.
Eddie:
Richie:
to do
Eiffel Tower girls?"
I got a result.
I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
A free drink!
Oh yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the
Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
What a waste of time. If only I could just get one of them
it with me.
I mean anybody.
Just to do it with me.
Just
once.
Just to find out what it's like.
I mean look, look all
around
you.
It's Friday night, and everywhere you look there's
buildings full of people doing it. They're all doing it and
doing it, and then stopping and having a fag and then doing
it a
bit more.
There's not a single one of them saying "Hang on
a
minute.
This really isn't fair.
I mean, here's us doing it
and
doing it and doing it and there's poor old Richie and he
hasn't
done it.
Ever.
He hasn't got anyone to do it to.
I'll
tell you
what, I'll pop down and do it to him for a bit, and then pop
back
up, would that be alright?"
I mean it wouldn't hurt, would
it?
It'd be charitable.
I mean, just think of all those acres
and
acres of ladies, all lying there saying "Go on darling,
let's do
it."
And the blokes saying "Nah, I don't feel like doing
it, the
snooker's on."
Well I could be filling in for him!
Providing a
service.
I could even charge!
Might make a bit of money.
Hey
Eddie, I've just thought of seating?
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
I'll
What on earth are you
Lard.
You are eating.. lard.
Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
All right Eddie, I can feel the elbow in the ribs.
do one of my famous Friday night fryups.
Alright,
Chuck us a couple
of
eggs.
[Eddie throws across two eggs, which splash out of the frying pan.]
Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haa, the old ones are the best ones,
aren't
they!
Who needs girls when you've got your mates!
I tell
you,
there's some things a girl just can't appreciate and
Richie's
Friday night fryup is one of them.
[Eddie is drinking from a bottle of oil.
the
bottle to Richie.]
Oil!
He replaces the lid and throws
Eddie:
Ah! Mazola!
Richie:
Right then. A little dab of oil...
ingredient...
The secret
[He picks up a pan and starts to scrape out the contents.]
Come on out, you know you want to!
Come on, you've only
been in
there a week.
[Eddie takes a pint from his jacket pocket.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Ha ha ha haaa!
And then just the last couple of pints...
Hoh!
[Richie has noticed some action going on in the house opposite. He takes
a
pair of binoculars from a hook by the window. The couple notice him
ogling
them.]
Lovely night!
[He tosses the binoculars out of the window.
turns
away from the window with a sigh.]
Hit that dog again.
A dog below barks.
He
But why doesn't anyone ever want to
have any
Eddie:
going to
Richie:
In
sex with me?
Well look on the bright side Richie, at least you're not
get any sexually transmitted diseases.
You're right there, I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl.
fact that was the closest I ever got to sex when that bus
conductress sneezed all over my head this morning. Gaw,
talk
Eddie:
in the
about the Green Line! Oh Eddie. I'm just so depressed.
Aw, cheer up Richie, there's loads and loads of ugly birds
world, one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or
later.
Richie:
me. I
But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with
mean, she doesn't even need to sleep with me.
It's the
staying
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
lonely
Richie:
Eddie:
awake bit I'm interested in.
Hey! I've just had a fantastic idea!
Oh great! [He waits while Eddie drinks his pint.] Well?
What?
What was the fantastic idea?
To drink that. Only joking! Why not put an ad in the
hearts column?
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any
description."
Richie:
That is absolutely brilliant! "Suave, sophisticated, witty"
bababababa-aaaaaah! Let's just be economical with the
truth.
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
stoat
Eddie:
Richie:
important.
Um, something buck. Yeah, "Hot young buck".
What about "badger"?
Nnnno, no, I'm more a sort of..
"Hedgehog".
No, fox. That's good. No, that's good. No that is good.
"Stoat".
Foxy stoat? Yeeaah! Yeah, it's got a ring to it. "Foxy
seeks.."
"Pig"!
"Foxy stoat seeks pig."
Shut up Eddie!
This is very
Let's see now, foxy stoat... on the prowl... Rrrrrrrrr... I
like
that!
Musky, musky fox, musky sly old foxy stoat, minky
musky
sly old stoaty stoaty stoat...
Oh this is ridiculous!
I'm
not
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
they
Eddie:
Richie:
getting anywhere. What do they normally put?
Hang on, here we are. Sad old gits section. Sad old gits
section. Did you hear what I said?
Yes.
I said "Sad old gits section."
Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward. What do
normally put?
Well he's not going to get very far, is he? "Gay."
Don't knock it Eddie, cuts down the field for guys like us.
Right, let's have a look at this. "Gay.. gay gay gay gay
gay gay
widow ga-" aah, widow! [licks lips] "Widow. Busty,
raven-haired, millionairess, gay." Gay, gay- hang on Eddie,
this
is the gay section!
Well u- urhh, what's this?
"Instant
Sex
Eddie:
Appeal". You can get it in a bottle.
Let's have a look.
[Eddie gets up, stumbling around the room behind Richie.]
Richie:
love
"Pheromone sex scent.
smell.
Women cannot resist this powerful
Scientifically distilled from mystical African
orchids."
Wow!
Oh look, it's medically proven.
"This stuff attracts
women
like you would not believe - Karachi Medical Gazette.
Available
at all good sex shops."
This is it Eddie - Girl City here
we
come!
What do you think old chum?
[Eddie throws up on Richie's shoulder.
Richie:
The pan explodes.]
Nil desparandum!
Scene 2. A Sex Shop.
--------------------[Richie is lurking outside the door; he pushes Eddie into the shop.]
Richie:
Assistant:
Eddie:
Assistant:
Eddie:
Assistant:
Eddie:
Assistant:
violently
Eddie:
Richie:
pheromone.
Assistant:
Richie:
Assistant:
Richie:
inadequate?
Go on. Go on!
Can I help you sir?
Hhhh, hhhhhhhh! This is a sex shop isn't it?
Yes.
I'll have five quid's worth then!
Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before.
Haven't you? Shall I tell it again?
No thank you sir, I'd rather have a pineapple inserted
into my rectum.
You've been working here too long mate.
[hissing, from the door] Get some pheromone, get the
Can I help you, sir?
No.
Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex
life?
What are you implying? That I'm some sort of sexual
I have a very full and rich and varied sex life, thank you
very
Assistant:
Richie:
Assistant:
Richie:
much. I don't need anything from a shop like this!
Would you get out then sir?
No.
Why not?
It's a secret.
[He gestures urgently to Eddie.]
Eddie:
Assistant:
Eddie:
Assistant:
who
Eddie:
Assistant:
Richie:
these
Assistant:
Eddie:
Richie:
[to Richie] Okay.
[quietly]
Hhhm, two bottles of pheromone please.
Pardon?
Hhhhhhhhh, two bottles of pheromone please.
Pheromone! Oh yes, that's the sex spray for inadequate men
find it impossible to attract women?
That's the one, yes.
[to Richie] Isn't it, sir?
Ah, I've got no idea, not being a pervert I'm not up on
things.
Your sex spray gentlemen!
Hh, hhh, I've got it!
Fantastic, give me mine! Let's go!
Er, I mean, well done
Doctor..
I'm not a doctor!
Shut up. We are men of science!
Eddie:
Richie:
[He discovers that his hand is clasping a huge dildo.
He jumps back.]
We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster!
Where
truth and purity and virginity are the only things we
respect!
Eddie:
of
That's right Richie. Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit
this on, get down the pub and see if we can pick up some
birds!
Richie:
Yeah!
[They leave.
Richie gets tangled up in a leather harness.]
Urgh, urgh, urg, urgh.. whoarrgh!
Scene 3. The Flat.
------------------[Eddie is in the bathroom, practicing in the mirror.]
Eddie:
Hello baby. Feeling mysteriously drawn to me are you?
don't you worry - you can have me whenever you like!
Ll-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll-
Well
[Eddie flaps his tongue at the mirror but suddenly stops, having noticed
something. He pulls his tongue out further, covers it with shaving foam
and
shaves it.]
Richie:
for
Ungh, blast these underpants!
Argh!
hours and I still can't get them off.
I've been soaking them
You know I've only
got one
pair of pants?
Yeah.
Well the elastic went so I had to glue them on.
Have you tried Swarfega?
Get out of it mate, this is Eterno-Gum! Nothing'll shift
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
this!
I've been sitting on a bowl of petrol for the last two
hours.
I
tell you, I'm a walking time-bomb I am - one curry and I'll
blow,
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
and I'll take half the street with me as well.
Oh, don't you worry Richie. Within the hour some pheromonecrazed love goddess'll be ripping them off with her teeth.
Haahh, do you really think so?
No doubt about it!
Richie:
them
Ohh, God!
I wonder what she'll find down there?
on for three weeks.
What am I doing here?
I've had
Oh yes, where's
that
biro?
Right, chest hair.
What do you think, curly or
straight?
Eddie:
Richie:
Curly
Eddie:
Richie:
Nose
Eddie:
any
Richie:
Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think?
Yeah, I'd go for curly.
Yeah, hwoorh. Curly it is. [Drawing hairs on his chest.]
wurly wurly...
I'm not so sure about the green though.
I know, but I used up all the black on me legs.
hair. [click, click] Tweezers!
What do you mean, [click, click] tweezers?
Oh-oh.
We've never had
tweezers.
Well get some [click, click] pliers then. Huh, it doesn't
matter how much pheromone I put on, if some bird sees that
coming
at her out of the dark she's likely to pull on it and expect
the
Eddie:
is
Richie:
butler to come in.
[Returning with the pliers.]
There.
Here we go.
Which one
it?
Third one on the left.
[There is a loud crunch as he closes the pliers on Richie's nostrils.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Brace yourself..
Yes?
..because this might make your eyes water.
[Eddie starts to pull, swinging Richie around from side to side, bracing
himself with a foot in order to pull harder. Richie is in some
discomfort and
eventually manages to punch Eddie away.]
Richie:
Bastard!
[Richie pulls the bathroom cabinet off the wall and smashes it over
Eddie's
head. Eddie punches Richie, sending him flying through the bathroom
door. He
follows him and starts lining up a huge punch.]
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Oh, uh, no, Eddie, no, this is stupid!
Yes?
Look, we're going out tonight, to get some fantastic birds!
Remember? We don't have to take out our frustrations on
each
other, we can take them out on them!
Okay?
Eddie:
Richie:
Both:
Okay.
Okay. Come on, let's shake and make up.
Brrrrr. Mm mm mm... greeneye!
[They walk into the living-room.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
morning.
Yeah, that's right Richie, our crumpet-free days are over.
Listen to this. "Spray liberally..
Yeah?
..Go to a place with lots of females..
Yeah?
..and brace yourself."
Gawww! Hahhh. How much do you think we should put on?
Well, I've already put on half a bottle.
What! Half a bottle? Are you insane? You'll be dead by
Death by Sex.
You'll just be lying there and they'll be
doing it
to you and doing it to you and doing it to you until- I
think
I'll put on half a bottle as well! Ah, a little bit there,
little bit there, little bit there just in case... ooh!
Right.
Eddie:
with
Richie:
let's
Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we used to have?
We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round
that sherry.
Great days they were, great days.
Ah well, not to worry -
get some more down the pub.
Scene 4. The Pub.
-----------------[There is a terrific barking of dogs.
the
door shut behind them.]
Richie:
so
Richie and Eddie enter, forcing
Blimey, when it said "female" I didn't expect the term to be
broad.
Hah.. right.. here we are.
Here we go - Death by
Sex,
Eddie:
Richie:
old
Eddie:
Part One. Right, come on.
Look at that crackling bit of crumpet!
Right. That one's got my number on it.
I'll see you later
pal, I'm going in.
Okay, good luck skipper.
[Richie lifts his arm and wafts his armpit past the woman a few times.
She
doesn't notice. He flaps the front of his jacket at her, wafting
pheromone.]
Richie:
Woman:
Richie:
to my
..Yes... Give in... Give in to your cravings...
I beg your pardon?
Do as you are bid. You cannot help yourself... Come back
place because we're going to have it off...
[The woman's husband appears behind Richie.
man.]
Tough:
Eddie:
Tough:
He is a large, tough-looking
What d'you think you're doing with my wife?
He's gonna have it off with her!
I don't think he is.
[He takes a good grip on Richie's crutch and twists.
Woman:
send
Richie:
[He
Crunch.]
...I don't think he's capable any more.
No! Darling, don't hurt them. I think it's shocking they
them back into the community so soon...
Yes, that's right! We're mere loonies, we mean no harm!
makes loony noises.
Eddie joins in.]
"Come back to my
place,
we're going to have it off" - ahhahha I'm mad!
Ahhahahah-
you
Eddie:
Richie:
would
Eddie:
Richie:
what..
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
and
Eddie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
see Eddie, it works!
Did it?
Of course it did! If it hadn't been for that gorilla I
have been well away..
Pwwoooargh!
Did you see her - she was mesmerised!
And I'll tell you
What?
It's loosened up my pants a bit too.
Well, this is your lucky day!
You're not wrong there. Come on - we'll get the drinks in
then we'll prrrrrowl. Grrrrrr. Landlord!
fingers.] Two halves of mild please.
In pint glasses.
Certainly Eddie, and how are we today?
Yep.
[He clicks his
[Eddie sprays the air in front of him.]
Landlord:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
want to
Landlord:
Fwoorh, smells like the drains have gone in here.
Cor, look at those couple of stunners down there.
Whoh, whoh, whoh... Do you think they're starbirds?
Yeah, bound to be mate. Either that or... topless models.
Look at the way they're sitting! Screaming for it! They
have it off with someone.
Ah, that'll be one pound sixty please gents.
Eddie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Landlord:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Richie:
Yeah, cheers, just stick it on the slate Dick.
Ah, you haven't got a slate.
Yes we have!
No you haven't.
I demand to see the landlord!
I am the landlord.
I know!
We have this conversation every night. One pound sixty.
All right, there you are. Vampire!
Leech!
Bloodsucker!
Parasite!
Usurer!
Shut up.
It's always worth a try.
Absolutely. Speaking of which, let the tournament commence.
[Richie walks behind one of the women, spraying some pheromone.
his
coat at her. He gets no response and plucks her shoulder.]
He flaps
Excuse me, excuse me!
[Now Richie has her attention, he flaps his coat again and then waves his
tie
in her face.]
Kate:
Richie:
Is there something wrong?
No, there's everything right... my love.
[Eddie points at the other girl.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Is that one mine?
Yes, that's your bird.
Right, we'd better get started then.
[He sprays the other girl in the face.]
Richie:
Kate:
Richie:
Right, so what's it to be then - mild or bitter?
Or straight back to our place?
I'm sorry, look we really don't want a drink.
I think you do.
[Richie sprays his armpit and thrusts it in her face.]
Kate:
Richie:
I'll
Eddie:
Richie:
Kate:
Are you sure?
Oh alright, if you must I'll have a Coke.
Bingo! It bloody works! Eddie, you get the drinks in.
keep the birds white hot.
Okay.
So, little baby. What might your little name be today?
My little name's Kate today, same as it was yesterday.
Richie:
special
Hahahahahaaa.
isn't it?
I say, what a lovely blouse.
Do you often wear blouses?
It's very
Or sometimes do you
wear a
jumper?
I suppose it depends on the weather really doesn't
it?
I, I sometimes wear a jumper.
There again, sometimes I wear
a
cardie.
Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants
off
Landlord:
Eddie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
No!
with your teeth?
You haven't got a slate.
Extortionate parasite!
Shut up.
Here we go.
I suppose if you're wearing dentures...
Hey, here's a good one. Anyone fancy a quick gander at the
Eiffel Tower?
Oh, this is frightfully funny- no it's not! Eddie! No!
Don't do that, because I think it's time to go to the
toilet.
Eddie:
Eddie, wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me?
No.. I wouldn't?
[Richie mimes putting money into a machine, getting a condom out,
stretching
it between his fingers, unrolling the condom over his head, pulling it
tight,
rolling it back off again. Eddie, not understanding, repeats the
stretching
gesture. In desperation Richie gestures, poking his finger through the
circle
formed by the finger and thumb of his other hand; the girls notice and he
opens his hand, pretending to rub some dirt off it.]
Eddie:
I get it!
Johnnies!
[Richie runs away, heading for the toilet.]
Eddie:
Shan't be a moment girls, I'm desperate to go. Ahh, keep
yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment. Adieu, adieu.. to
yeu
and yeu and yeu...
Richie:
Edward Hitler, will you get into the lavatory with me this
instant!
[Eddie goes in.
Richie notices the rest of the pub watching.]
We're.. toilet inspectors.
Scene 5. The Gent's Toilet.
----------------------------
[Eddie takes a look out of the door.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
there's
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
flavour
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
The coast is clear!
Right, let's go! Oh, nadgers - what kind do you want?
Rubber ones.
Yeah, but there's, there's ribbed, there's ticklers and
ultra-sensitive.
Ripped?
Yeah.
Who's gonna want a ripped condom?
Ah, it must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well, I
don't think ultra-sensitive's our style, do you?
Nahhh.
Right then, tickler it is! Oh, nadgers - what colour?
What have they got?
There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack or there's
leopard-skin.
Which d'you think is the most romantic?
Well, Union Jack of course.
Well, Union Jack tickler then.
Okey-dokey. Oh, nadgers - what flavour?
Flavour?
Yeah, there's banana, strawberry, peanut butter, Marmite or
cheese and onion.
Well, everyone likes cheese and onion don't they?
Of course they do. Okey-dokey then. Cheese and onion
Union Jack tickler it is.
No, no, no. Get two.
Get two?
Yeah.
Wild man!
Bagsy me first go with it.
[Richie feeds some money into the machine and presses the relevant
buttons.
Nothing happens. He hits the machine a few times.]
Eddie:
Right,
Bastard! Bastard! Give me my rubber johnnies!
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. I'm the DIY expert.
let's have a look at the little fella.
Hah..
I
Richie:
see the problem.
What is it?
[Eddie hits the machine, too hard, and doubles up in pain.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Hwarg- ooh!
Eddie!
Ahh, ahhg, ahhg!
[Richie starts hitting the machine.]
Yeah, I think
Eddie:
Richie:
for
Give me my johnnies, give me my johnnies!
Ow!
There's two birds out there in the bar who're just screaming
it!
Give me my johnnies!
[The tough man from the bar walks into the toilet, behind Richie.
plucks at Richie's arm, trying to warn him.]
Get off, Eddie!
Give me my johnnies!
Eddie
I just want to do it
and
Tough:
Eddie:
two
Richie:
do it and do it to those two birds at the bar- ah, ah..
You wanna what?
Um, he, he, he wants to do it and do it and do it to those
birds at the bar.
Haahaa..
[Richie gets punched and crashes back against the machine, which starts
to
spew out packets of condoms.]
Ooh!
Eddie!
Look!
More johnnies than it's humanly
possible to
Eddie:
use in a week!
Grreat!
[Eddie opens his mouth and gives himself a massive blast of pheromone.]
Richie:
before
Come on, that should do for a week.
Let's go out there
our two crumpets go off the boil.
Scene 6. Back in the Pub.
-------------------------[Richie and Eddie enter from the toilet.]
Richie:
Eddie:
baby!
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
there
Oh no! Someone's nicked our birds!
Come on Richie, let me at them! I'm a sex typhoon!
Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair.
Yeah, it's a bit of all right isn't it?
Eddie, calm down, someone's nicked our crumpets.
Hello,
Oh no,
they are..
[Eddie begins pawing the tough man, who is standing at the bar with his
wife.
Richie notices just in time.]
Eddie:
Richie:
Hwor, hwor, hworrrrgh...
Eddie, no! Wrong one! Ha ha [loony noise].
[They arrive at the table where the two women are now sitting.]
Ha ha ha ha ha-ha!
Oh.
So you've moved tables.
Of course,
how
silly of me.
birds?
Kate:
Richie:
listen.
It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it
Look, I'm sorry, but we're having a private conversation.
That's all right, you just carry on, we'll sit here and
But you'd better hurry up - we haven't got all night.
Kate's Friend:
No, I'm sorry, we'd really rather be on our own.
Richie:
Oh. Oooh. Ah ha ha ha-ha. Trying to decide which one of
us to
have, are you? Well before you decide let me tell you that,
ah,
"Tiny" Eddie here and.. I.. h-hmm.. share the same flat so
don't
worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house.
Eddie:
Have me. Have me, I'm a Love Albatross!
[Eddie falls off his chair and slips down under the table.]
Richie:
right,
Kate:
Richie:
Kate:
Richie:
Because if
Friend:
Richie:
bought you
Ah-ha ha ha ha ha.
Yes.
Although, if you play your cards
you could both wind up sleeping in the same.. bed.
I'm sorry. You've got the wrong idea. We're really not
interested. Besides which, we're lesbians.
Well, you'd be used to it then won't- you what!
We're lesbians.
Yes, I know what you said! Is this some sort of joke?
it is I don't think it's very funny.
Come on Kate, let's go.
Wait a minute! You just sit down there young lady.
a Coca-Cola in good faith.
I
That's eighty pence you've
hoodwinked
out of me. Eighty pence.
When I said "Hello my darling,
would
you like a Coca-Cola?" did you say "No thank you, I'm
terribly
sorry, but I'm a lesbian"?
No, you didn't, not a bit of it.
You
Kate:
Richie:
The
Kate:
Richie:
Kate:
Richie:
this is
said "Thank you very much, that'd be lovely".
No I didn't, I said "Oh all right, if you must".
All right, all right, there's no need to be so pedantic.
fact is you owe me eighty pence.
What d'you mean?
Well you're not going to sleep with me are you?
Right, there's your eighty pence. Come on, let's go.
What, you're going? No, wait, wait, wait, this is silly,
so silly.
Ha-ha, look, look, hah, look, I'm terribly sor-
look,
what the hell!
Let's waive the eighty pence.
You know,
it's
Saturday night!
Who cares?
Look, look, okay, I'm sorry.
I
have
been terribly intolerant. It's not your fault that you're
lesbians. Look, please, give me one more chance. Come back
to
my place - and I'll cure you.
[The women push past Richie and leave.
open
door.]
What did I say?
Richie calls to them through the
No, no don't go!
Please!
I've got the
same
ideas about women as you have!
I've got loads of magazines
at
home! You can come back with me and we'll all read them
together! I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983!
And
they just flop open at the lingerie pages!
Hey, no, wait,
wait,
I've even taped the "Clothes Show" special on beachwear! We
could take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants!
[Richie notices the silence, the rest of the pub looking at him, hanging
on
every word.]
Yes, is there something wrong?
[The background chatter of the pub returns.
pub
and starts to put his coat on with a sigh.]
Ruined Saturday night.
Richie walks back into the
Oh well, may as well have another
drink.
Landlord:
Richie:
Landlord:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Eddie:
Richie:
Landlord, I shall have a largeTime gentlemen please!
You are a cuOut!
Hi baby. Cor, you smell great! Let's do it!
Eddie, get a grip!
Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Eddie, no!
Richie, yes!
Huuhh.. Right, I'm off!
[Richie speeds out of the door.
barking. He returns, panting.]
There is a terrible commotion of dogs
Eddie:
Plant a
Richie:
Changed your mind have you dearie?
Well, come on then.
big one right on me kisser!
Uurrrgh. Urgh, urgh.
[Richie advances towards Eddie, expressions of distaste and disgust
crossing
his face. When he gets close enough he lets fly a massive punch. The
screen
freezes just after it lands. The titles roll.]
Transcription 1992 James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>