This is an essay a TOEFL applicant published on one of the TOEFL forums
seeking some teacher’s or peer’s help editing it. Read the essay and
consider the following:
-
what is your overall impression of the essay? Is it well-written?
Sophisticated enough? Logical? Coherent? Easy-to-read?
- Try and proofread the essay for:
>Punctuation problems
>Fragments (incomplete sentences)
>Articles
>Repetitions (the same words used multiple times)
>Grammar errors
>Misused words
(Mind you – this is a high-level essay, so the errors won’t be many, though there will
probably be one or two (maybe, more) of each kind).So, here it is:
Topic: Some people believe that environmental problems are too big for
individuals to deal with, while others think the problems cannot be solved unless
individuals take some actions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Currently, environmental problems, such as shortage of natural resources and
environmental pollution, are becoming increasingly serious. There is view that individuals
can hardly deal with the problems, while others think we should take some measures to
reduce them. In this essay, I will discuss the issue from both perspectives.
It is true that individuals are utterly insignificant in the face of nature. To begin with, the
energy of a person is limited and environmental problems are big tasks for him (her).
Some actions, like planting a tree, which we take have little influence to the lost of forest.
In addition, capital is an obstacle to deal with the environmental issues. As we know, all
people, except someone like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, have no sufficient purse to
solve the problems. Another important point is that fighting with environmental pollution
needs high technology. Obviously, only a few groups are specialists.
On the other hand, individuals really have ability to take some actions to contribute to
environmental protection. Primarily, utilizing less transportation, in particular private cars,
is essential in reducing the air pollution and the water pollution. Thus, people ought to
avoid being the source of pollution. Moreover, the activity, as I just mentioned, is helpful
in saving energy, which in elementary knowledge in the present age. Finally, because of
heavy hunt, many kinds of animals have been rare species. Therefore, it is good news for
them if individuals give up delicious food cooked by them.
To conclude, although we are not able to solving the environmental issues, it is effective
to reduce problems that taking some measures. As far as I am concerned, every one
ought to do something for environmental protection.
Here’s the edited version of the essay.
A. Find and explain all the differences.
Topic: Some people believe that environmental problems are too big for
individuals to deal with, while others think the problems cannot be solved unless
individuals take some actions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Currently, environmental problems, such as shortage of natural resources and
environmental pollution, are becoming increasingly serious. There is view that individuals
can hardly deal with the problems, while others think we should take some measures to
reduce them. In this essay, I will discuss the issue from both perspectives.
It is true that individuals are utterly insignificant in the face of nature. To begin with, the
energy of a person is limited and environmental problems are big tasks for him (her).
Some actions, like planting a tree, which we take have little influence on the loss of
forests. In addition, capital is an obstacle in dealing with environmental issues. As we
know, all people, except very wealthy ones like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, have no
sufficient purse to solve the problems. Another important point is that fighting with
environmental pollution needs high technology. Obviously, only specialists are able to
operate it.
On the other hand, individuals really have an ability to take some action to contribute to
environmental protection. Primarily, utilizing less transportation, in particular private cars,
is essential in reducing the air pollution and the water contamination. Thus, people ought
to avoid being the source of pollution. Moreover, the activity, as I just mentioned, is
helpful in saving energy, which should be elementary knowledge in this day and age.
Finally, because of heavy hunt, many kinds of animals have become rare species.
Therefore, it would be good news for them if individuals gave up delicious food cooked
from them.
To conclude, although we are not able to solve environmental issues, it is effective to
reduce problems by taking some measures. As far as I am concerned, every one ought to
do something for environmental protection.
B. In this edited version, find the synonyms of the following
words/expressions
Par.1:
If not =
Opinion =
More and more =
These days =
Lack =
Cope with =
Diminish =
Problem =
Points of view =
Par. 2:
Very, absolutely =
Unimportant =
Budget =
Hindrance =
Enough =
Requires =
Evidently =
Par. 3:
First of all =
Using =
Namely, especially =
Very important =
At present =
Tasty =
Par. 4:
In my opinion =
Should =
C. Paraphrase this (clean) version of the essay to include the new
words from B.
Topic: Some people believe that environmental problems are too big
for individuals to cope with, whereas others think the problems
cannot be solved if individuals don’t take some actions. Discuss both
opinions and give your opinion.
At present, environmental problems, such as a lack of natural resources and
environmental pollution, are becoming more and more serious. There is view that
individuals can hardly cope with the problems, while others think we should take
some measures to diminish them. In this essay, I will discuss the problem from
both points of view.
It is true that individuals are really unimportant in the face of nature. To begin with,
the energy of a person is limited and environmental problems are big tasks for him
(her). Some actions, like planting a tree, which we take have little influence on the
loss of forests. In addition, budget is a hindrance in dealing with environmental
issues. As we know, all people, except very wealthy ones like Bill Gates and Warren
Buffett, have not enough assets to solve the problems. Another important point is
that fighting with environmental pollution requires high technology. Evidently, only
specialists are able to operate it.
On the other hand, individuals really have an ability to take some action to
contribute to environmental protection. First of all, using less transportation,
especially private cars, is very important in reducing air pollution and water
contamination. Thus, people ought to avoid being the source of pollution. Moreover,
the activity, as I just mentioned, is helpful in saving energy, which should be
elementary knowledge in at present. Finally, because of heavy hunt, many kinds of
animals have become rare species. Therefore, it would be good news for them if
individuals gave up tasty food cooked from them.
To conclude, although we are not able to solve environmental issues, it is effective
to reduce problems by taking some measures. In my view, every one should do
something for environmental protection.
D. Insert the missing words (one word per each gap).
Topic: Some people believe that environmental problems are too big
___________individuals __________cope with, ___________others think
the problems cannot be solved ____________individuals take some
actions. Discuss both ____________and give your opinion.
____________, environmental problems, such as ____________ of natural
resources and environmental pollution, are becoming ____________serious. There
is view that individuals can ____________deal with the problems, while others
think we should take some measures to reduce them. In this essay, I will discuss
the issue from both __________.
It is true that individuals are __________insignificant in __________face
_______nature. To begin with, the energy of a person is ____________and
environmental problems are big tasks for him (her). Some actions, like planting a
tree, which we take have little influence on the ____________of forests. In
addition, capital is an ____________in dealing with environmental ____________.
As we know, all people, except very ____________ones like Bill Gates and Warren
Buffett, have no ____________purse to solve the problems. __________important
point is that fighting with environmental pollution needs high technology.
____________, only specialists are able to operate it.
On the other hand, individuals really have ability to ___________some action to
____________to environmental protection. Primarily, _________less
transportation, in ____________private cars, is ____________in reducing the air
pollution and the water contamination. Thus, people ought to avoid being the
source of pollution. Moreover, the activity, as I just ____________, is helpful in
saving energy, which should be elementary knowledge in this day and
____________. Finally, because of heavy hunt, many kinds of animals have
____________rare species. Therefore, it would be good news for them if
individuals gave up ____________food cooked from them.
To conclude, although we are not able to ____________environmental issues, it is
effective to reduce problems by taking some ____________. As far as I am
____________, everyone _________to do something for ___________ protection.