BOOKS
Concerned with grief and healing
An annotated list for KARA
From Elyce Melmon
Out of life’s most difficult challenges, great literature is often born. Most
memorable novels and poems reflect death and dying. A list could go on forever
from The Odyssey to Catcher in the Rye. For the individual who finds reading
a welcome escape from overwhelming emotional tumult, I suggest dipping into
Shakespeare’s tragedies; of course, one could devour any of Leo Tolstoy’s huge
novels, anything by William Faulkner (my favorite is Absolom, Absolom,) or Toni
Morrison and all of Virginia Woolf. In addition, I found the following selections
extremely sensitive and provocative.
Agee, James
Berry, Wendell
Cunningham, Michael
Fowles, John
Fremont, Helen
Guest, Judith
Mann, Thomas
Marquez, Gabriel, Garcia
Matthiessen, Peter
Quindlan, Anna
Sarton, May
A Death in the Family
A World Lost
The Hours
The French Lieutenant’s Woman
After Long Silence
Ordinary People
The Magic Mountain
One Hundred Years of Solitude
The Snow Leopard
One True Thing
A Reckoning
Man’s quest for a spiritual truth is endless; while death is certain, what
follows has never been definitively discovered. Struggling to find enlightenment
when surrounded by bleak darkness is uniquely painful. The following are a few
“how-to” books that personally spoke to me as I tried to cope with the deaths of
my husband and grand daughter. I hope the list will be helpful to others; please
bear in mind that the reviews are totally subjective.
*
of minimal assistance, neither threatening nor exciting
**
well written but recommended with cautionmay be wrong for some people
***
excellent, in my opinion,
1
Blue Lantern Studio (Seattle: Laughing Elephant Books, 2001)
This artistic book is the perfect gift for one who is grieving. The death of a soldier in
1932 inspired Mary Frye to write the widely accepted poem, “Do Not Grieve,” which
suggests that our lost loved ones become a part of a greater universe. Blue Lantern
Studio has transcribed the poem enhancing it with lush art work that helps perpetuate the
simple message that, in life and death, we are all connected to nature. *
Berkus, Rusty, To Heal Again (Encino, California, Red Rose Press, 1986)
A charming book complementing solid advice (let it take as long as it does, do not judge
yourself) with lovely illustrations and a feeling of the East. It utilizes imagery of seasons
and a reliance on an inner spirit to affect total healing. It has a religious tone without
demanding compliance to any particular establishment. **
Brener, Anne Mourning and Mitzvah, A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner’s
Path Through Grief to Healing, (Woodstock, Vermont: Jewish Lights Printing, 2001)
For those who feel lost without a guideline for grief or a pattern for mourning, Brener
presents over sixty guided exercises to follow; she suggests a series of rational
expectations that address the individual methods of mourning. While written from a
decidedly Jewish perspective many suggestions are rooted in a common sense that can
apply to those of any faith. At times a bit too prescriptive and simplistic, the book does
offer comfort to those who seek a formulaic assistance with a totally new experience. *
Bridges, William
The Way of Transition, Embracing Life’s most Difficult Moments
(Cambridge, Masssachusetts, Perseus Publishing, 2001)
When Bridges’ wife of thirty-five years, Mondi, found a lump in her breast, their two
year struggle with cancer began, and Bridges found himself immersed in a second major
life transition. As much for the care taker as for the victim, his recollections and insights
offer realistic hope and comfort, particularly to the guilt-ridden surviving partner. Much
of his wisdom resonated with me- the clarity that comes with death, the desire to have a
symbol or sign from the loved one (in his case, a black feather that he found on a familiar
path) and the stages one often goes through. Although I generally denounce the
temptation to fit individuals into pat psychological categories, Bridges describes a
period of disorientation and one of disidentification that may ring true to many who have
suffered a profound death. His chapters contain several provocative quotations( e.g. “He
that lacks time to mourn, lacks time to mend” –Shakespeare. “The chief object of
education is not to learn things but to unlearn things.” –G.K. Chesterton ). Bridges asks
the reader to create a map of his own life journey and to think of himself as a constantly
flowing river. ***
2
Easwaran, Eknath, God Makes the Rivers to Flow, selections from sacred literature of
the world, (Tomales, California Nilgiri Press, 1991)
The title says it all. From Saint Augustine to Lao Tzu, from Hebrew Psalms to the
Upanishads, Easwaran has collected poetic meditations from the world and collated them
in a meaningful fashion. This books is not for everyone, however, for the person
searching for sacred words, the collection of scripture followd by an explanation of rthe
eight point plan may contain the promise of healing. **
Fox, John
Poetic Medicine, The Healing Art of Poem-Making, (New York: Putnam
Books, 1997)
In the preface to John Fox’s valuable book, Rachel Naomi Remen claims that “Poetry is
simply speaking truth… Without knowing that truth, without speaking it aloud, we
cannot know who we are and that we are already whole.”
Many writers have expressed the feeling that our beings shrink to half when we lose
someone dear to us. John Fox, more than any writer I have encountered initiates a
journey toward becoming whole again. Through poetry, the healing begins. He equates
the suffering of loss to the “phantom pain” one experiences when he loses a limb. He
suggests that there might be a purpose to the pain. When we begin to perceive that
purpose, we learn significant lessons. "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another
step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it.” -Antoine de St. Exupery
By choosing meaningful quotations, empathetic anecdotes and practical exercises, Fox
serves as guide on a trip that returns the self to the self. It is a book that can be opened at
random or savored chronologically, a book to return to again and again for comfort and
inspiration. ***
Greene, Phyllis
It Must Have Been Moonglow, Reflections on the First Years of
Widowhood, (New York: Villard, 2001)
This little gem is an appropriate gesture toward the newly widowed. At eighty, after a
marriage of fifty-seven years, Phyllis Greene is forced to relinquish her identification as
“Phyllis and Bob” and begin to function as a single entity. With compassion and humor,
she reflects on her first trip to the grocery store complete with the mundane sorrow of
purchasing one baking potato. In a series of often disjointed journal entries, the reader
gets the image of a happy marriage folding into a difficult terminal disease. Greene
recalls a passion she and her husband shared for football and the ensuing heartache of not
being able to attend games because her husband couldn’t walk to the bleachers. She
touches on the small social changes endemic to those forced to function as one in a
couples’ world; she discusses the financial issues and the trauma of facing physical
problems alone. Yet, in the face of many challenges, Greene is optimistic and grateful, an
inspiration for the struggling widow. *
3
Grollman, Earl A. Living When a Loved One Has Died (Boston: Beacon Press, 1977)
A sweet, innocuous little book of poems that would help anyone if merely for the
reassurance that she/he is not alone. Under such titles as “Anger,” Denial,” “Panic,”
“Live One Day at a Time,” Grollman offers rather simplistic, yet soothing advise. He
suggests that grief is a unique experience; still, he considers common issues: “Do you
think you are demonstrating your love by prolonging the length of your grief?” and
offering familiar comfort: “The depth of your sorrow diminishes slowly and at times
imperceptibly.” *
Hopkins, Ph.D.,Jeffrey, editor and translator, Advice on Dying and Living a Better Life
from the Dalai Lama, (New York: Atria Books, 2002)
As an intense student of Buddhism in a monastery in New Jersey, in Tibet and, ultimately
in India, Jeffrey Hopkins was called upon to help individuals in his own family face and
accept death. Utilizing the teachings of the Dalai Lama, he was able to promote a
comforting state of peace that allowed a natural transformation. His personal meditative
powers led him to work more closely with the Thirteenth Dalai Lama and to transcribe
his thoughts as he unpacked and analyzed a seventeenth century seventeen stanza poem
composed by the First Panchen Lama . The small eleven chapter book that resulted offers
the follower spiritual advice progressing from an awareness of death to a positive rebirth.
In an accessible format that includes summaries of each chapter and specific references to
the poem, the reader is guided beyond the recognition of the impermanence of this life to
a spiritual state of nirvana. While calmly expressing his own philosophy, the Dalai Lama
is highly respectful of all religious beliefs. He claims that each world system contains
eras of formation, continuation, disintegration and voidness (82). He suggests that
because it is a certainty that we will all die, we should live as though we might die today.
The preparation for death involves a conscientious rejection of material things . “Buddha
emphasized that the two wings of the bird flying toward enlightenment are compassion
and wisdom.” (92). The Dalai Lama recommends following five forces:
1) the force of familiarity, 2)the force of directing the future, 3) the force of wholesome
seeds, 4) the force of eradication and 5)the force of wishing. (109) He claims that at
some point all hope for living will end, and he suggests that we help our loved ones
depart meaningfully by spiritual practices. Clearly not for everyone, this book might
serve many who face terminal illness. **
N.B. For those intrigued by the Eastern philosophies, I recommend Man’s Eternal Quest
by Paramanhansa Yogananda as well as any translations of the Bhagavad Vita by Eknath
Easwaran.
4
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth
On Life After Death, (Berkeley, Ca. Celestial Arts, 1991)
In four inspirational essays Kubler-Ross, clearly the Western guru of death and dying
offers her extremely accessible philosophy. She describes her mystical out of body
experiences with such lucidity and humility that they are hard to reject. Kubler-Ross
believes that at birth each individual is given a spark of divinity, which informs the
notions of immortality and connects the human to the universe. During life, the primary
ambition should be to achieve harmony and wholeness with the four quadrants of the
human: the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. She considers the scientific
explanation of death insufficient as it deals only with the physical body or cocoon.
Trends of thinking about death have transformed for a time frame that welcomed a
sternly religious concept of heaven and hell to a period when science and technology
govern a materialistically inclined thinker. Her hope is that we are moving into an age of
authentic spirituality defined as an “awareness that there is something far greater than we
are… and that we are an important part of it…” (43) She thoughtfully reveals the
experiences of thousands of dying patients, giving most credence to the out of body
experiences of children who are too young to be biased by skeptical views. In her last
chapter she offers excellent advice for anyone trying to help a child accept the death of a
parent. **
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth On Children and Death, (New York: Simon and Schuster,
1983)
With incredible empathy and practical compassion, Kubler-Ross offers sage advice to
those who have suffered the pain of losing a child. She addresses such specifics as
Sudden Death, Head Injuries and Comas, Missing and Murdered Children. She
encourages communication with children, suggesting that loss can be a catalyst for
growth and understanding. She presents plans for funerals and ways that friends can
help. Her claim that “Out of every tragedy can come a blessing or a curse, compassion or
bitterness,” (49) brings solace and inspiration. “To be a child is to know the joy of living.
To have a child is to know the beauty of life.” (218) **
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth and Kessler, David Life Lessons, (New York: Simon and
Schuster, 2000)
With great poignancy, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross reflects on her deepest lessons of life after
she experienced a debilitating stroke in 1995. She claimed that we each hold within
ourselves a Hitler and a Ghandi, the worst and the best of humanity. She considers her
goal to be to find the best in herself and in others and to work on all the smallnesses that
imprison us. David Kessler, a leader in hospice care, considers it a privilege to work with
Kubler-Ross at the end of her life. Their collaborative effort is a joyful dialogue filled
with realistic reflections and philosophical gems on such general topics as time, change,
freedom, love and happiness. ***
5
Levy, Naomi To Begin Again (New York: Ballantine Books, 1998)
Naomi Levy was fifteen years old when her father was brutally murdered. Her typical
teen-age angst was compounded with feelings of frustration, inadequacy, fear and anger.
In the midst of a helpless realization that thoughts and prayers cannot bring a loved one
back, Levy began a determined study that ultimately drove her to be among the first
women admitted to the Jewish Theological Seminary. She became a Conservative rabbi
in Southern California. Through this book about the strength born of suffering , she
weaves the diverse stories of her congregants and close friends. She directs the reader to
find comfort in community, in nature, in poetry and in prayer. Though written from a
Jewish perspective, the monologue is neither preachy nor pedantic. Her words are both
personal and scholarly. Levy shows great respect for all religions and compassion for
those who doubt. She believes that study can lead to spiritual insight and that the sincere
attempt to understand and help others can actually create order from emotional chaos.
Levy uses the Bible as a metaphor, a way to comprehend human instincts amid history.
With tender honesty, Rabbi Levy encourages to reader to move forward, acknowledging
that one can never erase grief, but that it is possible to return to life, to laugh again, to
begin again. ***
Lewis, C. S. A Grief Observed ( San Francisco: Harper, 1961)
Lewis understands marriage and, in this small volume, tries to understand himself. It is
an honest reflection of his response to the tragedy of his wife’s death, his loss of a
stalwart faith and his gradual regaining of his own belief and ability. “Bereavement is a
universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as
marriage follows courtship ort as autumn follows summer.” (50) ***
Mehren, Elizabeth After the Darkest Hour, the Sun Will Shine Again
(New York: Fireside Books, 1997)
After a devastating loss, many people shy away from personal contact, preferring the safe
isolation of home. For those, reading provides solace, a guide to sanity in the knowledge
that, indeed, they are not alone in their burgeoning emotions. After The Darkest Hour, the
Sun Will Shine Again places those individuals in intimate conversation with Elizabeth
Mehren. Her poignant re-living of the death of her daughter, Emily, coupled with the
stories of several other parents who lost children, is direct, honest and comforting. The
reader can easily relate to her annoyance with the trite condolences offered by well
intentioned sympathizers. Her recollection resonate with vivid accounts of unpredictable
moments that invariably spring up in the grocery store or when shopping for a baby gift
or watching Little Leaguers. Mehren praises the courage of children who face death,
often from leukemia, as well as the helpless witnesses who try to remain cheerful. Then
honestly, she states that those inspirations are nothing compared to a child’s hug.
“On dark, dark days, when ghosts and loneliness are fluttering the curtains, courage may
seem an ephemeral beacon. What we want is the child…” (55) Accurately, she notes
how the bereaved face a new assessment of time as if “all the inner clocks are reset” (97)
and logic, as defined by others, evaporates.
When asked by a psychiatrist if she heard voices that were not there, she glibly
responded: “If I hear them…how do I know they are not there?”
6
Mehren catalogues the information and terminology associated with the death of a child
as she attempts to offer some guideline of expectations for the duration of grief- “as long
as it takes- sometimes a whole lifetime.” (109)
She openly discusses the challenge to marriage: even the best of marriages have to
withstand differences in the grief process between men and women. With stories quoted
from the prominent to the everyday, from the skeptic to the devoted religious, she weaves
a comforting camaraderie. Each chapter is headed with a potent quotation that, while
often contradictory, seems to simply illustrate the two sides of a familiar coin.
“Did someone say there would be an end- an end, oh., an end, to love and mourning?
What has been once so interwoven cannot be unraveled, nor the grief ungiven.” -May
Sarton, “All Souls” (128)
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” -Helen
Keller (99) **
Middlebrook, Diane
Her Husband, Hughes and Plath, A Marriage, (New York:
Viking, 2003)
A biography as part of recommended reading for those who are grieving? For poetry
lovers in their sixties or seventies, a realistic backward glance at the post-Beat generation,
an insider’s view of a unique marriage may be a worth while diversion. In addition, the
reader is vividly shown a poignant picture of a suicidal personality and the effect it has on
members of the family. Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes were far from the ordinary funloving couple. Given their artistic temperaments and voracious appetites for a consuming
love, they were still pawns of the morality of the 1950’s trying to align their desire to be a
typical family of four with their quest for literary fame and fortune. Plath and Hughes
were married for six and a half years, had parented two children and were estranged when
the rising poet meticulously killed herself. Her notoriety as a feminist and confessional
writer was around the corner. Although Ted Hughes had several other tumultuous
affairs, his love for Sylvia Plath and devotion to her written words directed the rest of his
life. It is a story all the more fascinating for its truth. **
Moffat, Mary Jane In the Midst of Winter: Selections from the Literature of
Mourning, (New York: Random House, 1982)
An ecclectic collection of prose and poetry concerned with death and mourning, the
editor covers an impressive array of topics: the death of a child, the loss of a parent,
spiritual presences and apparitions, the power of memory. Quoting from the ancients and
the contemporary, Moffat has selected opposing impressions and interpretations so that
there is something for everyone and, oddly, material that reflects mood swings from
anger to sorrow. ***
Moody, Raymond and Diane Arcangel, Life After Loss, (San Francisco: Harper, 2001)
Acknowledging that each person is the author of his own pattern of grieving, the authors,
a physician and a social worker, offer wise insights into the processes that mitigate the
pain of death and dying. True to the KARA edict, the intent is not to “fix” anything, but
to sit beside the individual and “help him cry.” The personal anecdotes beginning with
7
stories of birth and childhood carry a simple charm and deep lesson. The book opens
with an amazing account of the effect of a father’s death on his daughter and a plausible
definition of stress, its different levels and its purpose. (29) The reader may realize that
while he is reading a personal narrative, the seeds of science are summoned so that the
discussion of near death experiences adapts a new rationality. The epigraph introducing
chapter four ( “All changes involve loss, just as all losses require change.” –Robert A.
Nerimeyer ) is a harbinger of the meaty material that follows attesting to the unique
quality of each grief and each griever while offering an organization of the variables
including circumstance and cultural differences. The chapter on transcending loss offers
visual charts of the reflection of self in times of death. The concepts and the rendering of
pictures provides a new understanding that could be helpful in working with clients.
Coincidence is defined as a “remarkable occurrence that happens in connection with
something much greater.” (162) This statement is used as a barometer to describe the
near death experiences of several interviewees of the authors. While remaining a skeptic,
I find myself fascinated by these stories and the matter of fact manner in which they are
presented by Moody and Arcangel seems to suggest credence. The book is a well written
blend of faith and science. **
Morse, Melvin, M.D. Closer to the Light (New York: Ivy Books, 1990)
In an authoritative, scientific tone, Dr. Morse, an acclaimed pediatrician, relates the
accounts of near death experiences of numerous patients, primarily children. His view is
that people have had presentiments of death and have written about out of body journeys
for thousands of years. Ancient Egyptian theologians forced near death upon people so
that they could observe and then experiment with their impressions. Morse considers
visions natural and rational. “ Science has not disproven the validity…rather it has
simply ignored them.” (85) He claims that nurses who have close contact with patients
are most accepting of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of dying: “denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance,” (93) while doctors often reject the basic belief
in the ephemeral as belonging to the realm of religion. Dr. Morse conducted extensive
research into the similarities of these visions in the hope that his study would teach others
to listen to each other and break down the walls of isolation and grief surrounding death.
Borrowing from Carl Jung the theory that the intellect offers only half the truth, Morse
emphasizes the lessons of near death experiences that lead to growth through grief. As
one who has thoroughly studied the brain, he concludes that there is a soul in each of us
distinctly separate from the brain and, further, that the light which many
people have seen and felt offers convincing evidence that there is a life after death. **
Osho,
Intuition, Knowing Beyond Logic, (New York: St Martin’s Griffin, 2001)
When a loved one dies, the natural course is often to surrender to the compounded sorrow
because we are imprisoned by our calculated ways of knowing only through the intellect
and the emotions. Osho develops a theory that our intuition, complementary to
imagination, offers a plausible alternate to the web we fall prey to. He defines intuition
as “. . . only a mirror. It does not create anything, it only reflects. It reflects that which
is.”(60) When the survivor desperately seeks assurance of the existence of the soul, Osho
encourages the quest. He claims that the intellect is known to be fallible while instinct is
almost infallible. It is with instinct that we breathe and that we blink our eyes, not
8
because we logically tell ourselves to, yet instinct is not respected by religions. Osho
assigns intellect to the mind, instinct to the body and intellect to the soul. These are the
three layers of the human; when they are in harmony they engender well being. He
claims that intuition functions when reason has been exhausted. He equates his theory
with the enlightenment that the Buddha achieved. Osho includes several amusing
anecdotes and wisps of Eastern poetry. He writes with a reverence for the mysterious, an
awe that may bring comfort to the dying and to those who have encountered death. *
Roberts, Cokie, We Are Our Mothers’ Daughters, (New York: William Morrow and
Company, 1998)
This very readable small book devoted to the carefully interdigitated lives of women
opens with a chapter about the singularity of sisterhood and the ongoing sorrow that
begins when a sister dies. The three children in the politically active Boggs family were
a happy trio; however, it was the eldest girl and the youngest who often joined forces
against their only brother. Cokie Roberts remembers running to her older sister, Barbara,
“when the dog next door jumped up and grabbed my two-year-old hair,” (9) and getting
her out of class in their elementary school so that Barbara could pull Cokie’s baby tooth
out. Theirs was an association that flourished beyond love to a unique oneness.
Barbara’s early death from an insidious cancer forced Cokie to chart “new territories
without the map of my older sister.” (17) The book is a tribute to the special friendships
of women; it illustrates the potent support system that nurtures survival. Because We
Are our Mothers’ Daughters is not overtly a book about grief, the autobiographical
anecdotes blending tears with laughter provide an upbeat respite that promotes healing.
**
Romanyshyn, Robert The Soul in Grief, (Berkeley, Ca. Frog Ltd., 1999)
Both mystical and musical, this is a book addressed to the imagination. Passages ring so
true to the grieving experience; without pretending to remedy a loss or erase a sadness, it
offers a poetic camaraderie that encourages the survivor to remember and to find joy in
the past that will spill into the present. Romanyshyn reminisces about the sudden death
of his young wife, Janet, and the journey that led him to love and to live again He
captures the beauty and the significance of place as a special healer. He directs thereader
toward the discovery of a collective grief. He tries to define certain intense feelings as
“angels” recognizing the difference between knowing of the head and knowing of the
heart. It is a book that offers hope. " Not by the force of my own will, but by grace and
good fortune, mourning endured ripened into melancholy, where I felt my loss
unexpectedly transformed into a kind of peace and wisdom, which, although tinged with
sadness, felt like the beginning of a long journey home.” (8) Romanyshyn vividly
describes that strange limbo of grief when one no longer inhabits the same world- rather
fades in reverie that is neither sleep nor wakefulness. At times, eyes and ears are more
sharply attuned to details they may never have noticed before; at times, nothing about the
world matters. Ultimately, he claims that his wife’s death “was an earthquake of my soul
which has forced me to change my life in the direction of these deeper currents of the
soul.” (135) He considers the ability to honestly love a cosmic force that unifies the soul
with nature. **
9
Ross, Eleanora Betsy After Suicide, (Cambridge, Ma. Perseus Publishing, 1997)
“In order to meet the need, we must first understand; ir order to understand, we must first
become informed; in order to become informed, we must care; caring is what it is all
about.” Suicide brings with it a unique stigma that makes it much more difficult to cope
with than a natural death. Ross, herself a widow of a suicide, sensitively and
authoritatively erases that stigma by recapturing various personal experiences and
offering positive approaches toward shedding the guilt that accompanies grief and
beginning to heal.
Schiff, Harriet Sarnoff
The Bereaved Parent, (New York: Penguin Books, 1977)
“When your parent dies you have lost your past. When your child dies, you have lost
your future.” - Dr. Elliot Luby The death of a child can be almost unbearable to those
who survive; it is an overwhelming grief that ripples throughout the family, affecting
siblings, family members and, most profoundly, husband and wife. Through a series of
provocative true stories, Sarnoff deals with the feelings of powerlessness and guilt. She
reviews her own loss of her son, Robby, who died from a terminal disease. She
recognizes that the challenge to cope weighs more heavily for atheists and agnostics as
opposed to those who have a deep belief in God. She encourages parents to try to find
joy in memory and in providing stability to other family members. Hers is a short,
straight forward book that offers comfort. *
Schilling, Karen v. Where are You? (New York, Anthroposophic Press, 1988)
Schilling utilizes the works of Rudolf Steiner (1861-1925), founder of the
anthroposophical movement, as she attempts to recapture the soul of her daughter,
Saskia, who died in an automobile accident at the age of thirteen. Schilling’s deeply
religious view is that soul and the spirit are separate; one can know the experience of the
child who has died, and, in fact, can communicate with her. She speaks of a letting go in
order to experience a larger, common love that binds us to the universal. She quotes
William Penn on death:
“They that love beyond the world
Cannot be separated by it;
Death cannot kill what never dies,
Nor can spirits ever be divided.” (28) *
Schwartz, Morrie
Morrie: in His Own Words, (New York: Delta, 1996)
An aging professor finds courage to get the most his life can offer when he faces his
imminent deterioration and ultimate death from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In his seventyseventh year, he rekindles a friendship with a student who helps him transcribe the
philosophy of his last days. It is a book that instructs us on how to “live fully in the
moment,” a book about how to die with dignity and worth. “Take in as much joy as you
can whenever and however you can. You may find it in unpredictable places and
situations.” (68) “Find what is divine, holy or sacred for you. Attend to it, worship it, in
your way.” (111) **
10
Sebold, Alice The Lovely Bones (New York: Little Brown, 2002)
This best selling first novel is so poetically written that it may present a paradox to the
reader who is grieving a personal loss. While parts of it are extremely painful, it is also
compelling and offers a uniquely sensitive perception. The story begins after Susie
Salmon’s death and is written in her fourteen-old voice. From her special heaven, she
witnesses her family and reflects on the reactions of those she loves, and she follows the
life of her murderer. The friends and family who suffer the unthinkable violent death are
realistically portrayed. Despite the dissolution when her mother escapes into a private
world leaving her husband and children in the care of her dominant, habitually drinking
mother, the story has a hopefulness. The reader watches, with Susie, as the family
proceeds toward survival. The father takes on heroic proportions trying to discover his
daughter’s murderer, often working at odds with the police. Her younger sister Lindsay
and four year old brother, Buckley, struggle to assess their own truths. From their pain,
Sebold emphasizes their growth. In a poetic dance, the characters bend toward one
another and then veer away from each other. Although the ending is far-fetched, it is not
enough to diminish the powerful experience of the novel. **
Sonsino, Rifat and Syme, Daniel B. What Happens After I Die? (New York UAHC
Press, 1990)
The first half of this small book offers a very scholarly, heavily footnoted though quite
accessible, accounting of Classic Jewish positions regarding Resurrection, Immortality,
and Reincarnation. Direct quotations from the Bible and from the Kabbalah are presented
for interpretation with arguments, for example, that “the pain a righteous person suffers
in this world is not necessarily a result of personal sins but rather a consequence of acts
committed in a previous incarnation,” (47) and with admonitions that the righteous soul
need undergo only three incarnations to atone for sins, while the wicked person may
require a thousand. (48) The last chapter of this section outlines the more contemporary
notion that one lives on through one’s deeds and influences, inviting the non-Orthodox to
find faith through works that have stretched beyond life for such luminaries as Mozart,
Shakespeare, Einstein, Chagall. The book is filled with charming folk tales; however, it
still leaves the ordinary person who mourns the loss of a loved one with a myriad of
questions. The second half of the book contains interviews with contemporary Jewish
thinkers, mostly rabbis with an academic bent who examine the notion of the soul. Most
proclaim a belief in immortality on the basis of the intangibles that do live on- love,
hope, fear, values. It is suggested that in difficult times of war and poverty, the idea of an
afterlife takes on greater prominence as a promise of a better world to come. The
ultimate essays are more concerned with immortality through good deeds and activism.
Theological scholars base their faith on the premise that “Science measures what is, faith
is concerned with what ought to be.” (101) These philosophers suggest a “spiritual
energy” comprised of wisdom and truth that does not evaporate with our lives, but is
transformed. The theory that may be palatable to the current scientific thinker is known
as “after-existence agnosticism” with religion providing a human response to the
conclusion that human life is finite. Dr. Reines offers the opinion that the “Bible is the
product of human minds and, therefore, is fallible.” (137)
11
The book concludes with the opinions of the two authors who have conducted this search
for meaning in life and death, both claim that infinity cannot exist simply because we
wish it to basing their personal philosophies on the lack of evidence of the assurance of
an afterlife and a shared desire to embrace “a life here on earth that is as full as possible
of …caring, concern, creativity and love.” (143)
**
Spitz, Rabbi Elie Kaplan, Does the Soul Survive? A Jewish Journey to Belief in
Afterlife, Past Lives and Living with Purpose,
(Woodstock, Vermont, Jewish Lights Publishing. 2001)
It is a commonly held philosophy that people of the Jewish faith, unlike their
contemporaries of other religions, do not accept an after life
and give little credence to the supernatural. Rabbi Spitz dispels this theory, while
admitting that he too was skeptical until several of his congregants offered such
convincing stories that he was forced to investigate the world of the psychic. As he
explores the journey of the soul, he pairs biblical literature with current experiences and
offers a convincing argument that the soul does, indeed, survive death. The study is well
documented from an historical and academic viewpoint and leads the most scientific
reader to at least, question coincidence and at most, find comfort that their whispered
wishes may be fulfilled. *
Tanner, Ira, The Gift of Grief (New York: Hawthorn Books, Inc. 1976)
An ex-clergyman turned family counselor, Tanner highlights the many forms of loss
including someone, something, some place, and advocates the necessity of grief in our
lives. “What we grieve is a major indicator of our values and should not be judged.” (17)
With severe loss, he stresses the need for validation from another source, another opinion
if we have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or someone to listen as we give voice
to our feelings of lack of control and ability to understand what is happening. He sites the
trauma to many as they are forced to re-examine their lives in the light of a new necessity
to analyze dependency, scrutinize goals and talents; in short, death triggers awareness of
the self. Written in a gentle, unsophisticated style, the chapters on children and loss are
particularly helpful and reassuring. I found his chapters on everyday loss a bit
sophomoric; however, he did establish a chart assigning a numerical value to the natural
losses in life with the death of a spouse as the most crucial. (63) Although culled from
surveys, it seemed arbitrary to me. Likewise, the stages of grief, though familiar, were
too much of a generalization. He does identify feelings as energy with a unique rhythm
that defies will power. Grief cannot be intellectualized. The listener’s task is to
encourage the expression of strong feelings. Much of his counsel (84), though common
sense, may prove helpful to the Kara volunteer. *
Tatelbaum, Judy
The Courage to Grieve, (New York: Harper and Row, 1980)
For most of us, grief is a totally new experience marked by an astounding lack of control.
Judy Tatelbaum addresses this feeling of helplessness by offering a guideline for
grieving- helping the reader to know what is commonplace among those who mourn,
what might be expected and, especially, how to detour the pitfalls, how to survive. Each
12
chapter is headed with a quotation from Kahil Gibran’s The Prophet . They are fitting
and helpful to remember. “For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are
one.” (147)
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing
for itself. They come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you, yet
they belong not to you.” (61). Primarily it is a book filled with sensitive, secular advice.
“The resolve to help, to assist humanity in some way, is one of the most positive
resolutions one can make after suffering a loss.” (135) Tatelbaum suggests many ways
that you will be supported, ways that will painfully detain the process, and ways in which
you will recover. It is comforting to realize that what the mourned feels as exclusively
his or her own experience actually has happened to many others. She suggests that we
have three modes of support- 1) from ourselves 2) from our philosophy or belief system
and 3) from the environment, including people and places.
As a psychotherapist who took fourteen years to complete the grief of her brother
David’s death, Tatelbaum’s professional authority is endorsed by personal truth. She
offers practical guidance, such as what to do when you’re alone (88) and exercises to aid
the recovery and to examine our own beliefs, Tatelbaum primarily uses the Gestalt theory
of letting go and saying goodbye to a loved one in her chapter on finishing. For a person
who thinks she will never be finished, this analysis is somewhat encouraging. A well
written, sincere book that is sure to be helpful to anyone. *
Viorst, Judith, Necessary Losses, (New York: The Free Press, 2002)
Best known for her humorous poems about aging and her delightful books for children,
one might not expect such a densely beneficial psychological treatise from Judith Viorst.
Her premise is that we grow more human when we welcome change; we mature through
the many inevitable losses we suffer through our lifetimes. In her very accessible text,
she tackles the deep loss of friendship, loss of dreams, loss of protection, loss of identity.
She postulates that we lose not only through death, but through leaving and being left.
The many losses through imperfect connections, unrealized expectations and
disillusionment help us to understand the ultimate loss of death. By trying to understand
our own response to loss, we begin to shape our life with new hope. **
Weiss, Brian
Many Lives, Many Masters, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1988)
Those who are naturally fascinated with the possibility of life after death and
reincarnation will be quite delighted with this account from a prominent psychiatrist.
Those who are skeptical may be persuaded by the ingenuous presentation of a young
patient who lived through over eighty lives and described them with accurate detail while
under hypnosis. The author, who suffered the loss of an infant son and remained a pure
scientist, adapts an almost amazed tone that he, himself, accepts the revelations of
Catherine; as she continues her sessions, he is totally taken under her spell, especially
when she psychically reveals personal knowledge to him of his own father and son that
he knows he has never revealed to her. But Weiss’ curiosity is piqued most by her
account of the between life experiences when she is “floating” and instructed by the
many masters. A tremendous benefit to the believer is the obliteration of the powerful
13
fear of death. Catherine describes the unique situation of those in comas who are faced
with the choice of whether to come back or not depending on lessons they may still have
to learn. Woven into the spiritual journey the reader finds gems of quotidian wisdom:
“The reward is in the doing… doing without expecting anything… doing unselfishly.”
(86) Weiss admits that his training prepared him to be diametrically opposed to the
information revealed to him. He claims that many in the medical profession are closeted
psychics. Through Catherine, we hear the Masters’ admonition that humans have not yet
learned the balance and harmony that exists in nature. Humans destroy themselves while
the beasts live peacefully together. The premonition is that humans will ultimately
destroy themselves. Basically we are asked to have an open mind, to realize that “life is
more than meets the eye,” that we must accept new knowledge and new experiences, “to
become God-like through knowledge.”
***
Addendum to embellish later
Books for Children:
Bunting, Eve, illustrated by Ronald Himler
Rudi’s Pond (New York: Clarion Books, 1999)
Carson, Jo, illustrated by Annie Cannon
You Hold Me and I’ll Hold You (New York: Orchard Books, 1992)
Yolen, Jane, illustrated by Melissa Bay Mathis
Grandad Bill’s Song (New York: Philomel Books, 1994)
14