THE CANTERBURY TALES
ACT ONE
Scene 1 The Tabard Inn, Southwark; April 1385
Ten minutes before the play is due to start, a group of musicians enter – the Tabard Consort. They unpack their instruments and
make other musicianly preparations to one side of the stage. One of them starts to tune up, then another. Almost imperceptibly, their
noises develop into what becomes the OVERTURE.
1: OVERTURE
2: SONG: TO CANTERBURY
1a The end of the overture leads into the Canterbury Anthem:
SONG: TO CANTERBURY (full cast)
To Canterbury, Walsingham;
Compostella, Jerusalem;
Tread the highway, hard and long;
Tell your story, sing your song.
Pardoner, Ploughman, Man of Law;
Summoner, Shipman, rich and poor…
Life’s a journey full of woe,
Pilgrims passing to and fro;
Knight or Yeoman, just the same;
Feed the hungry, lift the lame.
Miller and Merchant, Cook and Squire;
Doctor and Franklin, Monk and Friar…
He’s my brother, take his hand;
Make the time to understand;
Farce and fable, cry or laugh;
Take the grain and leave the chaff.
Black out, except for a single spot, centre. The actors freeze and the music plays quietly in the background, as Chaucer steps
forward into the spot.
MUSIC CONTINUES UNDER CHAUCER’S SPEECH:
CHAUCER
When April brings its cool and freshening showers
To soak the earth and summon forth the flowers,
And fragrant breezes breathe their healthful air
In every holt and heath and village square,
Then spirits rise and the hot blood rages,
And people long to go on pilgrimages…
During Chaucer’s final lines the music has grown louder. The lights come up and the cast complete the anthem.
Manciple, Parson, Scholar, Nun;
Audience, actors, everyone…
To Canterbury, Walsingham;
Compostella, Jerusalem;
Tread the highway, hard and long;
Tell your story, sing your song.
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During the final Chorus, the pilgrims move into groups and begin to engage in various activities such as checking luggage,
consulting maps, or introducing themselves to others. At the same time, the tabard servants start to bustle about their business,
carrying bags, answering queries, wiping tables, etc.
1b Enter the Host, Harry Bailey.
HOST Welcome! My name’s Harry Bailey and this is The Tabard. If you’re looking for a soft bed, hot food and the best beer this
side of the Thames, you’ve come to the right place. For those of you who haven’t found it yet, Southwark Cathedral’s down Pig
Lane and turn left.
Whispered approval from the Prioress’s entourage.
And the bar’s through there and turn right.
The Miller and Cook set off.
Opening time after supper!
Miller and Cook return.
We’re seriously short-handed in the bar, sad to say, it being the Spring Holiday. Oh, and another thing. We’re a trifle over-booked,
but I’m sure you won’t mind sharing.
Varying reactions, including:
WIFE OF BATH I booked a single room.
HOST Complain to your travel agent. Now, my man will arrange for your bags to be taken up. Supper will be served in about ten
minutes.
Over the ensuing hubbub, he calls –
Molly!
Molly comes running.
MOLLY Guvnor?
HOST Is this the lot?
MOLLY Hope so.
HOST Where are they stowed?
MOLLY Well…
As she reads from her list, we pick out the relevant groups. Some are chatting, some unpacking upstairs. At the same time, servants
bustle around, collecting the remaining pilgrims’ luggage and taking them off to their rooms.
I put the Knight and his Squire upstairs in the posh room.
(cut to KNIGHT and SQUIRE)
KNIGHT (to the Squire, who is unbuckling him) No time to change, young ‘un. Back from Crusades. Disembark Dover; rendezvous
Southwark 08.00 hours… (Thinks) Should have gone straight to Canterbury, come to think of it…
MOLLY Next door to them we’ve got the Franklin, plus an Oxford scholar and a Mr Chalker –
HOST That’s Chaucer.
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MOLLY (pencilling in a correction) Right.
(cut to CHAUCER and FRANKLIN)
CHAUCER (to the Franklin) No, no. For a long time I was in the Civil Service. Writing was a bit of a pastime, really…
FRANKLIN (Laughing) Well, just so long as you’re not planning to put any of us in your books, eh?
They laugh together, the Franklin more wholeheartedly than Chaucer. The Franklin goes, leaving Chaucer alone, thoughtful…
HOST What about the Prioress? Looks a bit fussy.
MOLLY She’s in the annexe.
HOST Fine.
MOLLY Sharing with the woman from Bath.
HOST Are you serious? Not the one with the voice and the big hat?
MOLLY Problem?
HOST Not so long as they’re both prepared to broaden their experience a bit.
MOLLY This is a pilgrimage, guvnor.
HOST Fair point.
(cut to Wife, Prioress and Nun’s Priest)
WIFE OF BATH (to the Prioress)…Bath. Well, just outside actually: in the exurbs. My first three husbands left me very well
provided for. Just as well. The fourth was uncontrollable – you know what men are like – (Gaffe! The Nun’s Priest gasps.) Sorry.
HOST Go on.
MOLLY And we’ve got all the clerical gentlemen in the long dorm.
HOST Usual collection?
MOLLY (Nods) Run of the mill: the Prioress’s private secretary; one monk – over there, stuffing his face; a Friar next to him –
watch the women; oh, and the ugly one’s a Summoner, eats garlic. And the blond HOST Is a Pardoner. Yes, we’ve met. He tried to sell me a bone from Saint Peter’s finger this morning.
MOLLY I trust you didn’t purchase, guvnor.
HOST I did not. I merely observed that Saint Peter missed his vocation as a harpist. He’s got thirty-seven fingers that I know of.
Carry on.
MOLLY Then Upstairs we’ve got a carpenter - moonlights as a Reeve, apparently; plus a college caterer –
HOST Manciple.
As Molly grudgingly repeats ‘Manciple’ and corrects it on his list, Harry looks over his shoulder and asks:
Who are ‘Robin’ and ‘Hodge of Ware’?
MOLLY A Miller and a Cook. At present they are harmlessly engaged in exchanging filthy stories.
(cut to MILLER and COOK)
MILLER (to the Cook) …So he marries this really young piece, right? Young enough to be his daughter –
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MOLLY When they arrived they were drunk as skunks. So they’re dossing down tonight in the stable.
HOST Very prudent. Hang on, according to my list, we’ve also got a Doctor and a Lawyer. Where are they?
MOLLY Up on the balcony. Discussing the Stock Market, I should imagine.
(cut to DOCTOR and LAWYER)
DOCTOR (to the Lawyer) No, it’s like any of the caring professions, really. You get a lean year… Then along comes a filthy hot
summer, a nice little dose of the Black Death, and you’re back in business… (laughs)
HOST I mean, where are they sleeping? You’ve not put them in the stable, have you?
MOLLY Don’t be daft, guv’nor.
HOST That’s a relief.
MOLLY They’re in your room. 
MUSIC:The Host’s reaction is cut off by a derisory blast from the brass.
3: TROMBONE: DERISORY BLAST
4: INSTR REPRISE: TO CANTERBURY. ENDS WITH COCK CROWING.
1c
MUSIC: instrumental reprise of the anthem.
The last of the pilgrims disappear, led off by servants to their accommodation, leaving Chaucer alone on stage. He takes a notebook
out of his pocket and is about to write something down when Molly enters to collect his bag and take him to his room. The pilgrims
sleep, and the music ends with the cock crowing.
Scene 2: the Tabard; the following morning
2a Lights up as Harry enters with Chaucer, closely followed by a crowd of the other pilgrims.
HOST So let me get this straight. I get a free trip to Canterbury, all expenses paid; the condition being that I judge this story-telling
contest, right?
Encouraging noises from the crowd.
CHAUCER Correct. And you provide a slap-up supper for the winner when we return.
HOST Stuff that!
CHAUCER All right, we’ll have a whip-round to cover it.
HOST You’re on.
General approving noises.
When do we start?
CHAUCER Whenever the horses are ready, I presume.
HOST No, no. I mean, when do we start the stories? I calculate you’re talking about thirty travellers, two tales there, two tales back,
that’s a hundred and twenty tales. Get a couple in now while they’re loading up, or we’ve no chance of getting through them.
There is a pause as they acknowledge the sense of his argument.
So. Who’s first?
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Each one anxious to avoid the honour, there is an awkward murmur of people excusing themselves and helpfully suggesting other
people. The sound is interrupted by the clear, and rather feminine, tones of the Pardoner. He clearly sees this as a marketing
opportunity.
THE PARDONER’S TALE
2b PARDONER Once upon a time… The Pardoner’s Tale!
REC MUSIC: MONEY (THAT’S WHAT I WANT)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6xkT7FMyTc
The on-stage pilgrims immediately form an audience, joined by others who have come down from their rooms and by the servants.
The only exceptions are the actors who are about to become the characters in the Pardoner’s tale: these begin to don appropriate
garments and collect props from the laundry baskets and remaining luggage. They all don their shades in sync with the word
‘avarice’.
…Once there was a gang of ne-er-do-wells, whose lives were dedicated to the pursuit of gluttony, sloth, wrath, lechery and –
particularly – avarice… the sin of greed…
The pilgrims find spaces in which to make themselves comfortable, as we hear 5: ‘MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL’ - FUNERAL VERSION
The music is the accompaniment to a 1950s gangland funeral. Four hoods – homburgs, shades – are pall-bearers to the coffin of a
deceased colleague, whose funeral cortège slowly moves over the stage. As it passes from sight a news reporter detaches the chief
mourner, an impressive-looking woman, wearing a black hat and veil – and shades.
REPORTER NBC News, Mrs Delmar. May I offer our condolences?
She nods curtly. One of the pall-bearers joins her. He is silent and menacing. His name is MARLON.
I believe you have been personally connected with each of the deceased in this recent spate of gangland killings, Mrs Delmar?
MRS DELMAR That is correct.
REPORTER So how do you feel?
MRS DELMAR What?
REPORTER How do you feel?
MRS DELMAR I am burying one of my longest-standing business associates. How do you think I should feel? Let me tell you
something. Christopher was a good boy. Very good to his mother. Ask Father O’Malley. So he was no saint. Which of us can cast
the first beam out of his own eye? You get me?
Reporter nods vigorously.
But he did not deserve this. And someone will pay.
REPORTER You think you know the perpetrators?
MRS DELMAR Not as of this moment in time, no. But Gloria Delmar does not sit back and let anybody mess about with her boys
with impunity and get away with it. You take my meaning? Word is out.
She turns to go, thinks better of it and returns.
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(straight to camera) Naturally we are cooperating fully with the instruments of the law.
REPORTER Thank you, Mrs Delmar.
MRS DELMAR It’s a pleasure.
She walks back to join the pall-bearers and they fall into a quiet, intense conversation.
REPORTER (Turning to camera)
So, as the gangland killings continue, the mystery deepens. But one thing is certain. The police will not be the only ones making an
all-out effort to uncover the identity of this highly selective serial killer. The underworld looks after its own. This is [name], NBC
News, Hoboken.
Light down on the reporter and up on Mrs Delmar and the pall-bearers.
TONY The market?
MRS DELMAR The market. That’s all the voice said. ‘Check the market.’
TONY Check it for what?
MRS DELMAR He didn’t say.
TONY And you didn’t recognise the voice?
MRS DELMAR Would I be standing here asking you to check the market if I recognised the voice?
MARLON If Mrs Delmar had recognised the voice, we’d be checking the voice.
MRS DELMAR Thank you, Marlon. So just do as I say and check the market, OK? It’s the only lead we have.
TONY OK, we check the market.
MRS DELMAR And be careful.
VINNIE You know us, Mrs Delmar. ‘Careful’ is our watchword.
TONY Our middle name.
LEO It’s on the side of our trucks.
6: ‘MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL’ - ‘CRACKLY RECORD’ VERSION
She nods. And, as they turn to go, we hear a cracked record fading up, of the Andrews Sisters singing MONEY IS THE ROOT
OF ALL EVIL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVCwBtFHVLo
It fades down to leave the sound of a street market. Every minute or so a subway train is heard to pass on the viaduct above and its
lights flicker across the set.
An old blind man is selling matches by one of the (imagined) stalls. His cry of ‘matches’ is weak and pathetic. VINNIE spots him
first.
VINNIE By the papers, Tony.
TONY What about him?
VINNIE He’s new. I’ve not seen him down here before.
TONY Probably an economic migrant, Vinnie. One of them bogus asylum seekers. Leave him. He can’t tell us anything.
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MATCH-SELLER You want some matches, Sir? Light your cigarettes?
VINNIE (With an edge) I don’t smoke. I have given up.
MATCH-SELLER Maybe you want a barbecue? A garden bonfire? A do-it-yourself cremation?
TONY restrains the infuriated VINNIE and the old man laughs.
You boys want to be careful. Too many of your friends have lacked sufficient care of late.
He shuffles forward with the aid of his stick and, placing his hands on TONY’s face, touches his features gently. He nods.
There is a music shop. Closed now. Recession, what can you do, eh? Through the subway arches by the bagels.
LEO Tony! The law!
TONY I’m warning you! If we don’t find anything –
MATCH-SELLER Have a nice day! Take care, now!
They go, leaving him alone.
Take care. Take very good care.
7: ‘____________________________________’ - ‘CRACKLY RECORD’ VERSION OF ANOTHER TUNE
As the music fades, we are in an old disused shop, represented by boxes and crates littering the floor. The three men are ransacking
it, throwing old newspapers around, breaking open crates.
VINNIE Nothing! I’m for going back and offing that old guy right now.
TONY But he knew something, Vinnie. I swear he knew something.
VINNIE He knew a soft touch.
LEO has been scrutinising a newspaper, picked up from the floor. He reads painfully:
LEO ‘Secaucus man wins a quarter of a million. It will not change my life in any way, he says…’
TONY It’d sure as hell change my life, I can tell you…
VINNIE sits and lights a cigarette, offers one to TONY, who accepts and finds a box to sit on away from the others.
Women… cars… booze… Disney World… (Unable to shift the box he wants to sit on, he kicks at it angrily.) Jeez! What’s in this?
Come on, get it open, Leo. (As LEO forces the lid with a crow-bar - ) I’ve had enough of this game, Vinnie. I’m not kidding, I’m on
the point of turning straight, I don’t mind admitting it.
He is interrupted by a wild babbling sound from LEO, who is staring at the contents of the chest.
For God’s sake, Leo –
VINNIE (Who has joined LEO and is looking into the chest.) Tony. Come here.
TONY goes across to the others and looks in. There is a brief silence. Then uncontrolled and extremely noisy ecstasy, including
snatches of the words ‘rich’ and ‘gold’, accompanied by the opening bars of –
8: GOLDFINGER
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uo0CI7j-Zw
Finally they subside sufficiently to be intelligible.
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TONY Leo, we are rich, my son – what do they say? – beyond our wildest imaginings.
VINNIE Of course! The Newark City Bank job. There was gold in that; but they never said how much.
TONY Get out o’ here, Vinnie. The DeMarco boys did the Newark job. This is way out of their league.
LEO Maybe they didn’t know what they was jacking – I never do.
VINNIE Leo, for once, in your simple-minded way, you might have hit it.
LEO (Pleased.) Thanks, Vin.
TONY We’ve got to get it out. Get it back to the apartment.
VINNIE How? It weighs a ton.
LEO What about a baby carriage?
VINNIE In broad daylight? Through the market? Are you kiddin’ me?
TONY All right. One of us goes out, right? Picks up half a dozen good stout beer crates, brings ’em back here. We hole out til
tomorrow morning and then nip out while they’re delivering for the market. Nobody’ll take any notice of us.
VINNIE All right. Who goes, who stays?
TONY (Producing a pack of cards.) Lowest card goes. All right?
VINNIE Suppose so. LEO can go first.
LEO Suits me. (Cuts.) Ten of clubs.
VINNIE Tony?
TONY Don’t you trust me, Vinnie? (Cuts) Seven of hearts.
VINNIE cuts and looks at his card. TONY turns VINNIE’s hand to see what it is.
Six of hearts. Good thing there wasn’t much at stake, eh, Vinnie? (VINNIE doesn’t reply.) Right. Off you go then, my son. And see
if you can pick up some booze and something to eat.
VINNIE nods curtly and goes.
(Shouting after him.) But not that new-fangled Macdonald trash– I don’t want to be poisoned!
TONY laughs and reclines in an old chair.
Rich beyond our wildest imaginings!
LEO has been fiddling with an old gramophone and some records. It suddenly strikes up with –
9: MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL – CRACKLY RECORD
LEO begins a clumsy dance to the music. TONY laughs throughout as he reclines and smokes. The effect is sinister.
TONY (Over the music) What else you got, Leo?
LEO (Reads.) ‘Tommy Dorsey. Tea for Two Cha Cha’.
TONY (The serious thought which has been at the back of his mind surfaces. He gets up and removes the record.) Tea for two.
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LEO Want it?
TONY What?
LEO ‘Tea for two’.
TONY Sit down, Leo. How long we been partners? Must be twenty years.
LEO Longer. Since we started school.
TONY Long time. (Pause.) You never did like the idea of Vinnie joining us, did you? You’re not what you’d call bosom buddies
exactly, are you?
LEO He’s all right. Rags on me a bit.
TONY (Nods sympathetically) ’Course, it could be just you and me again. Like in the old days, Leo. (Looks at him.) Tea for two,
eh?
The lights dim on the main stage and come up on one of the higher levels, where VINNIE is buying something from a depressinglooking shop-keeper.
SHOP-KEEPER Rats?
VINNIE Yeh, rats. I live down by the docks, you know?
SHOP-KEEPER Sure. So you want to kill some rats.
VINNIE Right.
SHOP-KEEPER (Still holding the bottle) It’s gonna cost you.
VINNIE nods, throws the man some money and the transaction is completed.
VINNIE Er, how much do I - ?
SHOP-KEEPER (Smiles.) Just a drop. And it’s quite tasteless.
As the shop-keeper pockets the money he calls after Ron, who has descended to a lower level.
Be careful what you do with the bodies!
VINNIE (Terrified.) What?
SHOP-KEEPER Rats. They carry nasty diseases.
Ron nods again and goes. But he stays on the raised level.
Checking that he is not being observed, he takes three bottles of beer from his bag, puts one in his pocket and proceeds to add
poison to the other two. As he does so, he begins to sing ‘Tea for Two’ in a macabre fashion. As he completes his preparation of the
bottles, we hear the recorded version merging with his voice.
10: TEA FOR TWO – CRACKLY RECORD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WcASyXqZfA
Lights up on the shop. TONY and LEO are ballroom-dancing to the record. VINNIE enters, taps TONY on the shoulder, as though in
an ‘excuse-me’, and begins to dance with LEO. TONY laughs and stands to one side. He opens his flick-knife and taps VINNIE on
the shoulder. VINNIE turns and, as he smilingly takes TONY in a ballroom-hold, TONY stabs him.
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As TONY cleans his knife, LEO gets the bottles out of VINNIE’s bag. After a mimed ‘cheers’, they drink. The poison takes effect
quickly and dramatically.
As they crumple to the floor next to the lifeless VINNIE, the music comes to an end and we hear the record hissing and clicking
monotonously on the turntable. The blind match-seller appears. He fumbles his way to the gramophone and removes the record.
Silence. Lights dim to blackout.
The watching pilgrims applaud as the lights come up.
2c WIFE OF BATH Ooh, that made me feel all creepy.
PARDONER Probably a bad conscience. NOW, my friends and fellow-sinners –
(as he switches to fundamentalist preacher mode, some of the more credulous pilgrims gather round him)
– my message to you today is a simple one: Radix malorum est cupiditas. Or, in our vulgar parlance –
SCHOLAR ‘The love of money is the root of all evil.’ The first Epistle of Paul to Timothy, chapter 6, verse 10.
PARDONER (Not pleased) The Lord be praised for erudition! Yes, indeed, sinners, the root of all evils. Dig it out of your hearts,
friends, eradicate it so that no trace remains behind to befoul and pollute your everlasting souls and ye descend to the pits of
Acheron, there to be consumed in sulphurous flames for all eternity. For I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye
of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. But, I hear you ask, how can I cast out the devil avarice? To whom
should I turn? Where can I find forgiveness?
Strategic pause to check that they are rapt. Having confirmed that they are, he switches to ‘double-glazing salesman’ mode.
Well, this is your lucky day, ladies and gents, because I have here in my capacious bag an incomparable selection of pardons, hot
from the Vatican, all signed and sealed by his Holiness Pope Urban VI: venial sins, half a groat; sins of commission, omission and
cardinal sins, special terms negotiable. This is the real thing – beware of cheap imitations and buy now while stocks last.
Hubbub of babbling as the pilgrims around him scrabble to snap up his pardons. But he is a keen salesman and notices that some
are standing aloof: the Wife of Bath has adopted a particularly sceptical pose. He singles her out, shouting over the crowd’s noise.
But one warning I must issue! (They fall silent.) if any one of you here has recently been guilty of a sin that you are too ashamed to
admit, then on no account should you approach to buy my pardons…
The crowd around him slowly turns to follow his gaze and there is now a solid block of suspicion directed at the Wife. She reacts.
WIFE OF BATH You con-man! You shark! You unmitigated - !
The Host steps in and cuts her off.
HOST Time for the off, ladies and gents! It’s April, when sweet showers pierce March’s drought, the birdies sing, soft zephyrs blow,
we’re half way through Aries, and people like you lot long to go on pilgrimages - (Sotto voce:) God only knows why! (Full volume:)
So pick up your bags, tighten your belts and we’ll hit Watling Street before the morning rush-hour.
11: TO CANTERBURY – INSTRUMENTAL (SET CHANGE)
MUSIC INTRO STARTS To Canterbury, my piously purposeful peregrinators! To Canterbury!
They respond noisily, pick up their bags and go. As they exit SONG: TO CANTERBURY (INSTRUMENTAL).
The musicians carry on playing after the pilgrims have gone, accompanying the set-change…
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Scene 3: the Red Lion, Dartford; early morning on day 2 of the pilgrimage
3a Among other changes to the set, the ‘Tabard’ sign is removed and a different sign hung elsewhere to let us know that we are in
the courtyard of the Red Lion, Dartford. When the music ends, the silence is broken by the sound of the Miller’s lewd guffawing as
he descends from an upper room. He is followed by the Cook and seems to be trying to recall a dirty joke. Their noise brings other
pilgrims out from different corners of the inn.
MILLER Anyway, the old geezer takes his wife to live in a little village just outside Oxford. Nice little cottage –
COOK Roses round the door.
MILLER Roses, as you say, round the door; and he settles down to ply his trade –
COOK I know what you mean.
MILLER Right.
COOK What trade was he, by the way?
MILLER I’m coming to that. (He pretends to take the Cook discreetly out of the Reeve’s hearing.) He’s a carpenter.
REEVE I heard that! This is slander! And libel!
MILLER I am simply recounting to my associate here a trifling anecdote concerning a young girl and her wrinkly husband.
REEVE A carpenter! You said he was a carpenter! (To the Cook.) Didn’t he?
COOK Well –
REEVE See! He’s getting at me. Ever since we left Southwark, whenever he leaves off playing those obscene bagpipes, he’s telling
filthy stories. And they’re all about swiving carpenters!
MILLER No they’re not.
COOK No. They’re not.
MILLER It’s the same one. I haven’t finished it yet.
COOK He hasn’t started it yet.
LAWYER May I make a suggestion? The legal position regarding slander is a minefield. Now, if you want my advice –
REEVE Yes?
LAWYER It will be fairly expensive.
HOST (Pushing through the crowd.) Alternatively you can have mine for nothing. Tit for Tat’s my motto. If you don’t like him
telling scurrilous stories about carpenters, you tell one about a miller.
Approval from the pilgrims.
REEVE Right! (He racks his brains.)
HOST Well, go on then.
REEVE (Inspiration!) Right! THE REEVE’S TALE!
The pilgrims cheer and prepare for –
THE REEVE’S TALE
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3b REEVE The Reeve’s Tale! So there’s this miller, see –
Cheers of approval, except for the Miller himself, who sneaks off to console himself with an unsupervised keg.
Right, and he lives deep in the country, right out in the sticks – not far from Cambridge – with his lovely wife and beautiful
daughter. (More ribald cheers.) Now he’s a typical miller, this character: loud, ill-tempered, uncouth, mouth like a sewer, and a
crook. They’re all the same, millers, and they all try the same scams. You know the kind of thing – your hundredweight of corn goes
in one door, and you end up with a sack-ful of bran at the other.
Anyway, every year this miller grinds the corn for one of them Cambridge colleges. And every year he fleeces ’em. Now, one
harvest-time, the old college manciple’s ill, see. So, in his place they send two young students, John and Alan by name, and they
vow that, one way or another, the miller isn’t going to get the better of them!
During that last section of the Reeve’s introduction, a film-projector is set up, for the narrative will be acted out in the flickering
frames of a silent movie. As he completes his speech, a caption appears, projected onto a screen lowered on one of the upper
balconies, reading THE REEVE’S TALE.
12: SILENT MOVIE PIANO
Just before the caption appears there is MUSIC: THE TINKLING PIANO OF SILENT-MOVIE DAYS accompanies the action.
Some of the pilgrims have formed a couple of lines of cinema audience, and a late-comer sidles between them, muttering his excuseme’s. The movie is beginning.
‘On screen’, a Miller enters, sweeping the floor. In keeping with the other characters and their props, he is in black-and-white.
Behind him, serving as a back-cloth, three adjoining areas of the structure have been curtained off.
The on-screen Miller comes forward, still sweeping. Suddenly the music slows and stops, as does the Miller – the projector has
broken down. As the audience boo and hiss, we hear the sounds of a film being rewound and the Miller accordingly reverses his
sweeping actions, then restarts with the music.
Enter John and Alan, carrying a sack marked ‘CORN’. In keeping with the silent-movie era, they are dressed in twenties boaters
and college scarves. They are welcomed by the miller, who is joined by his wife and their simpering daughter, who relieve the boys
of the corn and exeunt. The miller gestures welcomingly to the students –
PROJECTED CAPTION: WHY NOT TAKE A NAP WHILE I DO THE WORK?
The boys turn down the offer emphatically, much to the exiting miller’s chagrin.
CAPTION: HALF AN HOUR LATER.
The miller brings in a sack marked ‘FLOUR’, dumps it in front of the boys and gestures that he’s popping outside.
CAPTION: WON’T BE A TICK. NATURE CALLS.
While he is gone, the boys check the sack and give a thumbs up to signify that it’s full of flour. Suddenly the miller re-enters, feigning
great agitation.
CAPTION: ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR CAR IS RUNNING DOWN THE HILL?
The boys rush out, the miller laughs heartily and the women run in with a sack marked ‘CHAFF’. They effect the exchange and
disappear, leaving the miller to gloat –
CAPTION: GOT THE BETTER OF THEM!
The boys return, exhausted, dishevelled and despondently carrying bits of car. The miller makes tut-tutting gestures and mocksympathetically offers them accommodation:
CAPTION: LOOKS AS THOUGH YOU’LL HAVE TO STAY THE NIGHT.
12
They reluctantly agree and, as the women enter with a keg of beer, the caption once more indicates the passage of time:
CAPTION: LATER THAT EVENING.
They are all drunk. The boys help the miller to his bed (behind the middle curtain) and then wave goodnight longingly to the
daughter, who retires behind the left-hand curtain. The wife watches suspiciously and then joins the miller (whose feet are
protruding), having first placed her baby in its cradle at the foot of their bed.
The boys’ curtain opens and John gestures to Alan that he intends to join the daughter. He creeps across and disappears behind her
curtain. After a second or two, the curtain starts to move and a firework explodes colourfully.
CAPTION: OH, MY GOODNESS!
Alan looks deeply frustrated. But fate is kind to him. The miller’s wife emerges, chamber-pot in hand and exits to empty it. This gives
Alan an idea. He gets out and moves the cradle from the centre bed to his own… The wife returns, gropes around at the foot of her
bed to check on the baby and, unable to locate the cradle, moves on to Alan’s, where she stumbles over it.
CAPTION: CRUMBS! NEARLY GOT INTO THE WRONG BED!
She enters Alan’s bed, where there are comparable, if protracted, effects. At one point Alan tries to escape, but is dragged back in.
CAPTION: YES, YES, YES!
A cock crows. John drags himself sleepily from the daughter’s bed, intending to return to his own. Stumbling over the cradle, he
congratulates himself on a narrow escape:
CAPTION: PHEW! THAT WAS A CLOSE SHAVE!
He makes his way back to the middle bed and sits on the edge with the curtain open. Shaking the feet which protrude next to him, he
proceeds to regale the occupant of the bed with a graphic description of his night’s exploits.
CAPTION: WHAT A NIGHT! JUST LISTEN TO THIS…!
Slowly and ominously, the Miller sits up. John realises his mistake and tries to escape, but the miller goes berserk and pins John to
the floor. Alan and the wife emerge. She picks up the chamber-pot and mistakenly smashes it over the miller’s head. As John and
Alan make their escape, the daughter hands them the stolen flour.
CAPTION: THE END.
REEVE So our two young bucks escaped into the dawn.
They’d got their flour – and ground the miller’s corn!
General cheers.
Chaucer and the Franklin are sitting having a drink on one of the balconies. Chaucer is making notes in a small book.
3c FRANKLIN So you’re really going to write these down? I mean, all of them?
CHAUCER Yes. Why not?
FRANKLIN Well, one or two are likely to be a bit vulgar, don’t you think?
CHAUCER Looked at in a certain way, yes. But we could hardly expect Oswald to recite selections from The Legend of Good
Women, now could we?
FRANKLIN No. Dreary stuff. (Thinks.) Who did write that?
CHAUCER I did, actually.
13
An embarrassed silence ensues. Enter the PRIORESS and NUN with the NUN’S PRIEST. The Nun is reading to the Prioress.
NUN (reading) “In good faith, Madam Marguerite,” said Sir Tristram, “it is for thy beauty that I do this deed. For thine eyes are
grey as sparkling glass, thy nose most slender, and thy mouth small, soft, and thereto red…”
Embarrassed, she looks up to check the PRIORESS’s reaction (which is seraphic), then proceeds.
“…thy forehead broad and white, and in thy smiling thou art full simple and coy.” (pause) That’s the end of the chapter. Shall I go
on?
PRIORESS (sighs) No, thank you.
NUN Perhaps you would prefer something from “The Soul’s Guardian”?
PRIORESS No. Not at the moment.
The Nun hides behind the PRIORESS – she has spotted the Miller and the Cook entering. The Cook is telling a dirty story, and both
are sniggering.
COOK So, wait for it – the Bishop goes up to the Archdeacon (sniggers), looks him full in the face (more sniggers) and says –
He suddenly notices the PRIORESS, controls himself with difficulty and says –
Beg your pardon, madam.
MILLER (puzzled, his sniggers subside) I don’t get it.
COOK What?
MILLER Why should the Bishop call the Archdeacon ‘Madam’?. I mean he wasn’t - ?
COOK No, no. (He motions to behind the Miller, who turns to confront the PRIORESS)
MILLER Oh, I see. Beg your pardon, madam.
The COOK and the MILLER exeunt – sniggering even more.
PRIORESS (Signing letters offered to her by the Nun’s Priest) You mustn’t be nervous of men, you know.
NUN I’m sorry. It’s just that I –
PRIORESS The secret is to remain dignified at all times –
She is interrupted by the loud cackling entrance of the WIFE OF BATH, pursuing the SCHOLAR.
- (sighs) Even in the most trying of circumstances.
The PRIORESS and NUN exeunt, followed by the Nun’s Priest, unavailingly attempting to get the Prioress to sign the remaining
letters. They leave the stage to the WIFE and the SCHOLAR who is looking aghast at a piece of information she has just imparted.
SCHOLAR Five?
WIFE OF BATH Yes, five. Does that give you a problem?
SCHOLAR No, no, of course not. It’s just that… (scrabbling for an excuse) You don’t look old enough, for one thing.
WIFE OF BATH Sweet boy!
SCHOLAR And… Well, you must admit that five husbands is a little excessive.
14
WIFE OF BATH Oh, it’s excessive all right. You can’t beat a bit of excess. (Meaningfully) Roll on number six, I say!
Feeling distinctly threatened, the Scholar makes something resembling a strangled gurgling noise as the Wife prepares to extol the
virtues of experience…
13: SONG: EXPERIENCE
Oh you can have your books
All your sciences, letters and arts
Just give me am’rous looks
And a man... of remarkable parts
Give me experience
Who needs the study the book or the pen?
I want experience and then
I want it again!
In my experience, a perfect husband’s not easy to find
Of marriageable gents, the best are wealthy...
And senile and blind!
Give me experience
I want to go far below my ken
I want experience and then
I want it again
Again, again and again -[BRIDGE (very contrasting and a bit Goldfinger-esque:]
Husbands - I’ve had five
Though the first three were barely alive
Silks, jewels and gold.
Who cares if they were old and dusty,
I’m still lusty....!
If what you want is fun,
That’s what you’re dreaming of
listen, honey-bun
Don’t you ever... marry someone you love
Experience, experience
I want it again
However this song ends, there should be a strong suggestion that the Wife of Bath is about the bed the Scholar.
All exit except the SQUIRE and the SUMMONER, CHAUCER and the FRANKLIN.
SQUIRE So what do summoners do exactly?
SUMMONER Summons.
SQUIRE Whom?
SUMMONER Anybody. So long as they’re guilty of misdemeanours against the church. Adultery, blowing off communion, not
paying tithes – that sort of stuff.
MANCIPLE Oh, bit of legal background, eh?
SUMMONER Oh yes. Very much so. “Questio quid iuris?” I always say. Especially after I’ve had a few.
15
MANCIPLE Ah! “Post sumptum vinum loquitur mea lingua latinum”, eh?
SUMMONER (totally nonplussed) Oh, yes. Definitely.
He slinks off. The Squire walks over to Chaucer and the Franklin.
FRANKLIN Well, the Wife of Bath should have a story or two to tell.
CHAUCER Yes. Can’t wait.
FRANKLIN And, it goes without saying we’re all looking forward to yours.
CHAUCER Mine?
FRANKLIN Your tale.
SQUIRE Oh, rather. We’re looking forward to it with eager anticipation.
CHAUCER (Uncertainly, looking from one to the other) Ah, my tale… Yes, I thought you might be…
14: EXPERIENCE – INSTRUMENTAL
SET CHANGE
The ‘Experience’ music carries on to cover the change of set which indicates that we have arrived in Rochester.
Scene 4: The Cross Keys, Rochester; day three of the pilgrimage
4a As the ‘Experience’ music ends, enter the Nun, accompanied by two pilgrims, Mary and Jean. They have just ‘done’ Canterbury
and are on their way home. Their clothes and trappings mark them out as returning holiday-makers: the scallop-shell is much in
evidence and they have the medieval equivalent of shades and sun hats, paper coffee cups and sandwiches. As they chat, they sit the
Nun down and encourage her to share in their picnic.. Being often in each other’s company, they have developed a verbal tic which
involves repeating odd bits of each other’s utterances (‘it’s lovely…’ ‘lovely…’). This should be improvised by the actors.
JEAN Oh, I think you ought to be there by Friday. Don’t you think so, Mary? Friday at the latest.
MARY Oh, yes. Unless they take the diversion.
JEAN Yes. Sometimes the road’s a bit mucky, so they go the other way.
MARY We were fine last week, though. And Kent hasn’t had a lot of rain, really.
JEAN March was very dry.
MARY Yes. You shouldn’t have much trouble.
NUN I do hope not. I am so looking forward to getting there.
MARY Oh, it’s lovely. We go every year, don’t we, Jean?
JEAN Every year. Wouldn’t miss it.
MARY I tell a lie. We did go abroad once, didn’t we. Do you remember?
JEAN Remember? Never again!
MARY When was that? ’80? ’81?
JEAN ’81: there was that unpleasantness with the peasants on Blackheath.
MARY What a journey! Saint James of Compostella. (Aiming to impress) Spain, you know: (Over-enunciating) Ga-li-THi-a.
JEAN Ooh, the food!
16
MARY Never mind the food, dear. What about the men? I don’t know what they take us English girls for, I really don’t.
JEAN Anyway, dear. You stick to Canterbury and you won’t have any problems of that nature.
MARY No. the weather might not be too reliable, but at least you can get a decent piece of cheese.
NUN You were saying – about Canterbury?
JEAN Oh, it’s lovely!
MARY Mind you, you’ve not picked the nicest time of year.
JEAN No, that’s true. You can’t see it at its best with pilgrims crawling all over.
NUN But, surely, the cathedral…
JEAN Oh, it’s lovely, the cathedral!
NUN And quieter than the city streets?
JEAN Well again, it depends what time you go, dear. We saw it about…
MARY Just after lunch – Tuesday?
JEAN No, not Tuesday: we were with those nice people from Halifax.
MARY Oh, yes. (To the now anxious Nun.) Charming couple.
JEAN Wednesday. Wednesday it was, because we had to rush off before the silversmith’s closed.
MARY So we did. Yes, you ought to be all right if you nip in after lunch midweek. The queue’s not too long then.
NUN The queue?
MARY To see Saint Thomas. The shrine, you know.
NUN (Becoming increasingly disillusioned) Yes, I do know what you mean. I just hadn’t thought…
MARY Oh, yes. There’s always a queue. Well, it’s how they make their money. And what money!
JEAN Last year, in offerings to Saint… Thingy… over nine hundred and fifty pounds. Imagine!
The Nun gets up – this is all too much.
MARY Are you off, dear?
NUN Yes. I think we’re about to leave and my Lady Prioress will be needing me. May God give you a safe return to Southwark.
JEAN Thank you, dear. I’m sure He will.
MARY And you enjoy yourself. Remember – you only get out of a holiday what you put in!
NUN I’m sure you’re right. (Exits)
MARY Nice girl.
JEAN Mm. Bit quiet, but nice. Oh, no!
She has spotted the Summoner. He is inspecting the wares of a street trader and is eating a leek.
17
MARY What?
JEAN Over there. Look! It’s him!
MARY Who?
JEAN That summoner.
MARY What? From Sidcup?
JEAN Yes. Let’s get out of here, quick!
She starts agitatedly packing up their picnic things, hastily throwing mugs and food into the basket
MARY What’s he doing here, then?
JEAN I don’t know, do I? He’s with the other lot, I suppose, going the other way.
MARY Well, why are you hiding, anyway?
JEAN Because I haven’t paid my church tithes for six months, that’s why! Come on!
But he has spotted her.
SUMMONER Why, surely, it can’t be! It is! Dame Jean! Fancy meeting you!
JEAN (Nervous and giggly) Fancy!
SUMMONER There was I, looking for you the length and breadth of Sidcup for the past three months, and where do I bump into
you?
JEAN Here!
SUMMONER Here. Halfway between Southwark and Sittingbourne – and us going in different directions! What a small world, eh?
JEAN Like ships that pass in the night!
SUMMONER And you’ve been a naughty girl, haven’t you?
JEAN Have I?
SUMMONER You have. The Archdeacon’s very cross with you.
JEAN Is he?
SUMMONER He is. Do you know what I’ve got in my wallet?
JEAN I hesitate to surmise.
SUMMONER A summons.
JEAN Oh dear.
SUMMONER ‘Oh dear’ is right. If we don’t pay our church tithes it can be very costly in fines, Dame Jean.
JEAN How much would the fine be exactly?
SUMMONER You’ve not got a lot, have you?
18
JEAN No. Not since my husband died –
SUMMONER I understand. I told the Archdeacon. I’m sure there are very good reasons, Archdeacon, I said.
JEAN Oh, there are, there are!
SUMMONER But you know what he’s like. He’s a hard man, the Archdeacon.
JEAN LookSUMMONER Mmm?
JEAN I can get the tithes up to date if I sell a thing or two. I held on to a few of my husband’s old clothes and things, you know, but
I don’t really need them… But the fine could be tricky… I bought this in Canterbury. From the silversmith’s in the Close… Very
high-class silversmith’s…
SUMMONER You leave this with me. I’ll have another little chat with the Archdeacon. See if I can win him round.
JEAN Oh, thank you, I’d be ever so grateful –
SUMMONER That’s quite all right. Don’t go on or I shall get embarrassed. A friend in need, eh?
JEAN Oh, yes…
MARY Come on, Jean.
Mary leads her away and the Summoner examines the brooch, smiling. The Friar has been watching.
FRIAR Extortionist!
SUMMONER You can talk!
FRIAR What’ll you do with that now? Sell it and go fifty-fifty with the Archdeacon?
SUMMONER Why? You got your eye on it for one of your lady friends? Don’t think I haven’t seen you. You friars are all the same.
Beggars in drag!
15: MUSIC LINK
As the Summoner slinks off, our attention is drawn to another part of the stage.
4b Enter the Miller in a fury, followed by the Cook.
MILLER Oswald!
COOK Calm down!
MILLER Calm down? I’ll kill the dirty little sod. Waits til I’m taking a quiet nap, and then, behind my back – behind my back, mark
you –
COOK He was only getting revenge for all those stories you tell about carpenters.
MILLER (Stops.) Here. Did I tell you the one about –
COOK Probably. And anyway, you were drunk. You’d never have understood it, even if you had stayed awake.
MILLER What do you mean, drunk?
19
COOK Drunk. Tipsy. Intoxicated. Brahms and Liszt. Three sheets to the wind. One over the eight. Hammered. Squiffy. Sozzled.
Wasted. Legless. Inebriated. Nicely thank you. Pie-eyed, pickled, pissed, plastered and palatic. Tight as a Gosport fiddler. Boiled as
a brewer’s fart. You were so wazzocked, you had your arse on backwards.
MILLER (threateningly) I was tired.
COOK All right. You were tired.
MILLER Right.
COOK Tired as a skunk.
MILLER I’ll still kill him.
COOK Forget about it. (He reaches down the leg of his tights and produces an article off which he attempts to blow the bits that
have accrued.) Here, have a pie.
MILLER One of yours?
COOK Of course.
MILLER No thanks.
COOK A person can get offended, you know. You keep turning down my pies. I’m famous for my pies, I am. ‘Hodge of Ware.
Purveyor of Pies to the Upwardly-mobile Middle Classes.’
MILLER It’s the ulcer that puts me off.
COOK Have you got one too? I’ve got a really nasty specimen on my shin, look –
MILLER No. Your ulcer puts me off your pies.
COOK I don’t mix the pastry with my feet, you know.
MILLER You got any of that beer left?
COOK Couple of quarts.
MILLER Come on, then. (Exit)
COOK Planning to get tired again, are you? (Exit)
Enter the Host, followed by the rest of the pilgrims.
HOST Gather round, everybody! It’s time for the professional!
CHAUCER (Extremely nervous and reluctant) Ah, now, I’m not altogether –
HOST (Overriding his reluctance) Mr Chaucer’s going to dig deep into his wealth of literature and erudition, and it’s odds on he’ll
come up with a stunner. He needs no introduction. Author of such well-known works as (surreptitiously consulting a scrap of paper)
The ABC of the Virgin (approving nods from the Prioress’s entourage; puzzlement from everyone else); The Parliament of Fowls
(more widespread recognition); and that best-selling bodice-ripper Troilus and Criseyde (gasps), I give you Mr Geoffrey Chaucer!
CHAUCER (Nervously producing some messy sheets of paper) Thank you. Most kind. Er, this is a little metrical romance
addressing the topic of knighthood. In it I propose… Well, here it is: Sir Topaze.
4c CHAUCER’S TALE OF SIR TOPAZE
20
The Host motions the pilgrims to create a wide acting space and Chaucer takes up a position rather like the one he adopted for the
painting of him reading to the court of Richard II – very stiff and formal. As he recites, the story is acted out. It is introduced by
some recorded music –
16: THE SUN HAS GOT HIS HAT ON
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDIpkz6DOi8
THE TALE
Now, listen everyone, I pray,
And I will tell you, if I may,
Of a hero, strong and bold.
Try to imagine, if you can,
A truly perfect gentleman;
Sir Topaze, he was called.
Sir Topaze was a splendid chap,
White was his face as milkmaid’s cap,
His lips were pink as rose.
His cheeks were plump and cherry red
And in the middle of his head
There grew a handsome nose.
The maidens living far and near
All thought Sir Topaze was a dear
And wished that he would come
To visit them and have a chat;
But he preferred to stroke his cat
And stay home with his mum.
But every weekend he would go
Abroad to seek a valiant foe
And fight in mortal combat.
He’d stiffen like a tiger grim,
A lion was no match for him –
He’d even scare a wombat!
But then one day he shook with fear:
A challenge came with message clear
To see who was the best –
The brave Sir Topaze famed of yore
Or the Orange Giant from Baltimore:
Now this would be the Test!
But Topaze was a fighter bold
And would not flinch, as you’ve been told,
From going out to battle;
He knew the deed had to be done,
He would not fly, nor ’scape, nor run;
This giant would not rattle…
(lamely) Him.
And so he called for armour strong
And weapons sharp and hard and long
To fight the giant grim.
They brought him first some cool red wine
The sweetest crushings of the vine
To keep his spirits high;
With pheasant, game and other meat,
As much boar’s head as he could eat,
The best that gold could buy.
He then did doff his tunic black
Which erstwhile graced his comely back
1
2
3
4
THE ACTION
The setting is the 1950s.
Sir Topaze enters on a bike. He wears glasses, and is
dressed in pin-stripe and bowler, with umbrella, The
Times, etc.
Topaze’s father pushes on an armchair; Mum kisses
him and takes his bicycle clips.
Topaze sits in the armchair.
Mum coddles him – takes his jacket and shoes off,
etc.; provides slippers and puts his feet on a pouffe.
Mum brings in a sack-ful of post and hands him the
top envelope – an enormous Valentine.
Topaze reads it, laughs scornfully and throws it over
his shoulder.
Exeunt Mum and Dad.
Topaze grabs a television remote and mimes
enthusiastically watching a football match.
5
The Postman enters and hands Topaze a worryingly
official-looking letter. Mum and Dad and the
Postman stand waiting in trepidation as Topaze
opens it….
He staggers back on reading the contents…
6
Left alone, Topaze thrusts back his shoulders
resolutely and takes a few deep breaths.
He calls: ‘Mum!’
7
8
Mum brings in a mug of tea and adds several sugar
lumps – then whiskey.
Dad brings in Macdonald’s fries.
And a Big Mac.
Topaze swiftly consumes a mouthful of each.
Removes waistcoat.
Slips off braces.
21
As straight as any rod;
And then removed his nether dress,
When – lo! In all his nakedness
He stood there like a god!
They brought him then his battle-wear:
Some snow-white leggings, passing fair
To clothe his comely thighs.
There never was another knight
Whose pins were such a splendid sight –
I tell you folk no lies!
And then each of his legs receives
One half a pair of snow-white greaves,
The shoes of gleaming leather –
The kind as worn by Lancelot
Of silver-white (I kid you not)
They shone, whate’er the weather
His nimble-fingered entourage
Endow the knight with great courage
And now perhaps he’ll manage
To face whate’er the giant grim
Might in his wrath propel at him,
Without excessive damage.
His coat of arms is donned and tied,
For Topaze wears it with great pride,
It truly may be said.
And then, to save him from the shock
Of flying stone or bouncing rock,
A helmet for his head.
With gauntlets girt, Topaze is set;
There just remains one thing to get
And then he’ll never yield.
For, last of all, to save his parts
From jealous spears or envy’s darts –
Topaze’s trusty shield!
17: ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA
He takes his bat-tered sword in hand,
He’ll leave his own beloved land,
All thoughts of home are barred.
For he must journey now to meet
A foe that he would fain not greet
In distant Camden Yards.
The pilgrimage is long and tough,
But Topaze has not had enough –
He knows the giant is waiting.
And in good time our knight serene
Takes up his stand upon the green,
His courage not abating.
The air is filled with fearful sounds
Of clashing armour all around –
All this Sir Topaze hears.
And then a thundering of hooves
Like cannon-balls on castle roofs,
As the Orange Giant appears!
Removes trousers, to reveal a baggy union suit.
9
Scratches his tummy.
Mum and dad bring his baseball pants.
He slips them on.
10
Puts white stockings on…
And then shoes…
11
12
(which takes some time)
Puts jersey on (with suitably modest team name)
Dons cap to match.
13
Puts gloves on.
MUSIC: ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWnmCu3U09w
Mum ceremonially brings in his ‘protective cup’ on a
cushion. Dad takes it equally ceremonially and
thrusts it into Topaze’s pants. There is a suspicion of
a wince.
14
Collects his bat.
Takes leave of his weeping mum and stiff-upper-lip
dad, who back out of the acting space..
15
He walks out to home plate.
Looks around the field with an experienced eye.
16
Baseball charge organ theme:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb19d08Lnec
22
A huge Orioles pitcher enters, eyeing Topaze menacingly. His feet paw the ground threateningly, as he sizes up his opponent. He
starts a full wind up… (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5o0wSVDhXsE ). As he pulls his arm back to throw 18: THUNDERCLAP, FOLLOWED BY TORRENTIAL RAIN
Suddenly there is a terrific flash and a crash of thunder, followed by the sound of torrential rain (two of the watching pilgrims help
the effect by pouring down the contents of watering-cans). Topaze, the pitcher and the umpire all look despondently heavenwards,
shrug their shoulders and walk off together as –
19: SINGING IN THE RAIN (KEEP RAIN SOUNDS GOING)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmCpOKtN8ME
Chaucer bows as the pilgrims applaud somewhat half-heartedly.
HOST Is that it?
CHAUCER Well… yes.
HOST That’s diabolical! I mean, it didn’t get anywhere.
FRANKLIN Oh, it wasn’t that bad.
HOST Yes it was!
4d
A debate ensues which threatens to get a bit lively… until it is interrupted by SHIPMAN’S WIFE [coming forward shouting over the pilgrims] If you lot would stop arguing – [they go quiet and so does she] I
could tell you a story with a real twist in the tail. My old husband’s only got one story and he tells it all the time. He’s a seafaring
man… [Meaningfully, to the Scholar] At sea a good deal.
HOST Right! Gather round for - ?
SHIPMAN’S WIFE The Shipman’s Tale!
Cheers from the bawdier element.
The story I’m about to tell
Is set in the sultry south
In habitations shot to hell
Where living’s hand to mouth.
20: WAILIN’ NEW ORLEANS SAXOPHONE
[Wailing sax kicks in - or the Streetcar Named Desire
movie theme:
The husband was a working man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FaDve3_SIU ]
Hard-drinking, I’m no liar,
[Enter husband in sleeveless undershirt, drinking from a beer bottle.]
His wife a peach – but she was on
[Enter wife draped in a sultry fashion over a hand-cart.]
A Streetcart Named Desire !
[Clanking trolley noises… The husband is reading the sporting pages of the paper and drinking from a bottle.]
WIFE [still on the cart] God, it’s hot.
HUSBAND You want a shot?
WIFE No, I rarely touch it.
23
HUSBAND [He gives her a brief, sceptical glance.] Got an old friend coming to stay. [She looks interested.] Preacher man. [She
looks less interested.]
Each time the SHIPMAN cuts in, the actors freeze in an appropriate pose. During the following, they are joined by the PREACHER,
who also freezes.
SHIPMAN’S WIFE But the preacher man was a charming louse,
Who flattered dames and kissed ‘em.
And he found his way to his old friend’s house Despite the transport system.
PREACHER Why, they told me to take a streetcar named Desire and then transfer to one called Cemetery and ride six blocks and
get off at Elysian Fields.
Impressed by this feat of orienteering, the husband and wife slip completely out of character.
ALL THREE [Improvising simultaneously]
HUSBAND AND WIFE Dang! / Actually, you’d have been better getting off at Bourbon Street / Personally I’d have stayed on
Desire and got off at… / Or the Red Line to… / Then again, a taxi’s usually the best option…
PREACHER Oh, really? What if I’d - ? / Is that the one that goes to - ? / But they’re so expensive, aren’t they? Do you know They improvise until called to order by the Shipman SHIPMAN’S WIFE Actors! Actors!
- at which point the Preacher, Husband and Wife snap instantly back into character – and their respective frozen poses.
And it wasn’t long ‘fore the southern wife
Got smitten by this preacher,
And he’d tell her tales of his former life Though there weren’t much he could teach ’er.
The Husband is engrossed in a poker game while the Wife and Preacher talk.
WIFE My, but you have an impressive, clerical air.
PREACHER Why, thank you, ma’am.
WIFE Let me ask you something. Would you think it possible that I was once considered attractive?
PREACHER Ma’am you are still a mighty tempting woman. And a preacher don’t lie.
WIFE Why, of course you do. We all do. I know I fib a good deal. After all, a woman’s charm is fifty per cent illusion.
PREACHER An illusion powerfully well kept up, if I may say so.
WIFE Of course you may. But [sighs] it’s so expensive to maintain. Why, would you believe that - [there is a small uproar from the
poker school – the husband has won a pile; she checks that her husband is not listening] – that I owe more than a hundred dollars in
dressmaking bills alone? [Obviously feigned disingenuousness] I just don’t know how I could come by such a sum. [Then, with
obvious seductiveness] I would be mighty grateful to anyone who could… help me out…
Beat.
PREACHER Leave it to me ma’am.
SHIPMAN’S WIFE Now the husband was a fool, of course
Wide open to suggestion,
And naturally the readiest source
Of the hundred bills in question.
The HUSBAND has his arm round the PREACHER’s shoulder.
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HUSBAND A hundred? Of course. [Laughs] I had a lucky night on the poker table.
PREACHER I am mightily obliged. I’ll pay you back before I leave.
21: WAILIN’ NEW ORLEANS SAXOPHONE
MUSIC as we see the PREACHER offer the WIFE the money; and the WIFE take his hand and seductively lead him off behind the
curtain. Music ends.
22: TROLLEY NOISES (DING DING, ETC)
Enter the HUSBAND and the PREACHER, carrying his suitcase.
HUSBAND But you’ve only been here a couple of weeks.
PREACHER I know. I’m sorry to rush off. But my flock need me. They are so wayward.
They shake hands. The PREACHER turns to go and is almost offstage when he is called back.
HUSBAND Hey! Hate to mention it, but –
PREACHER [Feigns puzzlement at first; then -] Oh, the hundred dollars. [Pause. Urbanely.] I left it with your wife. So long.
And he leaves. The HUSBAND waves him off but his fond smile is quickly replaced by a frown and then a look of panic – he knows
his wife’s way with money…
HUSBAND [Calls up to her: this should sound as much like Brando as possible] STELLA!
She enters behind him from the street, carrying a bag of groceries.
WIFE What is it, dear?
HUSBAND [Holds out his hand] The money!
WIFE What money, sweetest?
HUSBAND The hundred bucks I lent the preacher and he repaid to you. Where is it?
She turns to the audience, registering panic.
SHIPMAN’S WIFE Now the gal was in an awful fix –
She’d spent the guy’s mazuma
But a cunning wife is full of tricks Not to mention sense of humour.
WIFE [suddenly relaxing] Oh, but darlin’, I thought that money was to pay for the preacher man’s keep. You know what a time he’s
been staying and how demanding he has been…
HUSBAND [At bursting point] You - ? !
SHIPMAN’S WIFE But she took his hand and stroked his hair
Averting any dangers,
For, no matter who, or why, or where –
WIFE [Turning to the audience, over the husband’s shoulder] I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Cheers.
The Nun’s Priest, appears on one of the top levels, agitated, calling out for his boss, the Prioress.
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4e
NUN’S PRIEST My lady Prioress! My lady Prioress!
She looks out of an upstairs window, caressing one of her lap-dogs.
PRIORESS What is it, Father John?
NUN’S PRIEST They say I have to tell a tale.
The Miller and Cook appear behind him. They have clearly been baiting him and are eagerly awaiting his offering.
PRIORESS I’m afraid you do, Father John. You agreed along with the rest of us.
NUN’S PRIEST But, madam, I don’t know any stories. A Nun’s Priest leads a singularly sheltered life.
PRIORESS Now you must be able to remember something.
NUN’S PRIEST (Hopefully) There’s always Aesop’s Fables, I suppose.
A general groan from the racier pilgrims.
[Defensively] Oh, I rather like…
The Reeve and Summoner, currently embracing one of the barmaids, are clearly conspiring.
REEVE Tell you what. You come up with a fable –
SUMMONER - and we’ll see if we can liven it up a bit.
BARMAID Yeh, give it a bit of pizzaz!
NUN’S PRIEST Well, that’s very nice of you, but –
NUN [coming forward] And I’ll help too – if you like.
NUN’S PRIEST Oh, thank you. That’s most kind.
HOST Done! Ladies and gentlemen! Contain your exuberance for – THE NUN’S PRIEST’S TALE!
During the Host’s announcement and the Chorus’s introductory speech, the Summoner, Barmaid and Reeve quickly don their
costumes. They will reappear as Chanticleer / Louis XVI; Pertelote / Marie Antoinette; and one of Chanticleer’s fencing
companions. The Nun, meanwhile, becomes Robespierre / the Fox.
4f THE NUN’S PRIEST’S TALE
23: LA CI DAREM LA MANO (BRIEF INTRO PHRASE)
CHORUS [three HENS/WIVES]
[HEN 1] A poor old widow, getting on a bit,
Lived in a cottage, small and dimly lit.
But all her joy, her solace and her cheer
Was a splendid rooster, name of Chanticleer.
[HEN 2] This cock, the hero of our epic tale,
Was proud and gorgeous – think the alpha male –
And lived a life of easeful luxury
With seven wives – of which troupe we are three.
[enter Widow]
[enter Chanticleer, above, accompanied by three more wives]
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[HEN 3] And every morning, armed and breathing hard,
He’d demonstrate his prowess round the yard.
24: SWASHBUCKLING MUSIC (PIANO & PERCUSSION, PERHAPS)
Chanticleer leaps down and engages in some extremely flashy
fencing with five companions – whom he easily vanquishes]
[HEN 1] This cock’s accomplishments, we have to state,
Made him the darling of the whole estate,
[HEN 2] But chief of all, indeed the people’s choice,
Was Chanticleer’s fine operatic voice.
25: LA CI DAREM LA MANO – SUNG BY CHANTICLEER
– as on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqPcb1nKZYg ]
CHORUS (Interrupting him in mid-flow)
[HEN 3] Among his wives, the fairest in the land
He had a favourite, please understand.
A pretty creature got this rooster’s vote,
Her name, [through gritted teeth] the lovely Madam Pertelote.
[Pertelote comes forward but is edged out by the Chorus]
[HEN 1] Enough of her. For now our tale grows dark
[lighting dims – sinister MUSIC. Chanticleer and his wives fall asleep]
For Chanticleer retires to bed, and – hark!
[Chanticleer groans in his sleep]
A sleepless night he has up on the beams
Disturbed by nightmares, terrifying dreams,
Until he wakes with one barn-shaking cry CHANTICLEER
Oh help me sweetest madam, or I die!
I had the scariest dream, I do not lie!
PERTELOTE
A dream?
CHORUS [HEN 2]
- she said, her voice replete with scorn –
PERTELOTE
Alas the very day that I was born!
Are you a man or mouse? A feeble thing, I deem,
To be so terror-stricken by a dream!
CHANTICLEER
But madam CHORUS [HEN 2]
- said the rooster, quaking still –
CHANTICLEER
This was no common dream, run of the mill.
Let me recount it, madam, and you’ll see.
It seemed that I was strutting in the dust
At dawning, after you and I had just Well, you know what - when through the gate there came
A fearsome creature, like a dog, but red,
The very sight of him near struck me dead,
For both his tail and ears were tipped with black
His eyes were glowing fires –
[more sinister music]
PERTELOTE
Alas, alack!
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CHORUS [HEN 2]
His mistress scoffed –
PERTELOTE
My Chanticleer it seems
Is one limp cock dispirited by dreams.
If you’ll accept my kindly meant suggestion,
Your dreams are clearly caused by indigestion.
If you want restful dreamless nights without
Nightmares, a laxative will sort you out!
CHORUS [HEN 2]
And then she said in no uncertain terms –
PERTELOTE
What you need, lover, is a diet of worms.
26: WORMS - a cappella;
Roger, give singers their notes
HENS – THE WORMS SONG [performed as a 50s TV commercial by HENS 4, 5 and 6]
Worms, Worms, Worms -Worms are a laxative – will see you right;
Take them for a day or two – morning noon and night!
[Spoken] For comfort and regularity – Take Worms!
Brought to you by Nature’s Best – the organic way to a healthy life!
CHANTICLEER
I thank you, ladies, for you tender care
And will, as you suggest, eat better fare,
Forget my nightmare, foolish now it seems,
And henceforth take no heed of passing dreams.
I will forsake the safety of this roost
And pleasure in [meaningfully] my daily morning boost.
But first, a song –
[He descends, accompanied by Pertelote and his wives]
[The hens giggle.]
This is evidently not widely regarded as a good idea.
PERTELOTE
[All the hens have joined in the protest; realizing it was a bit strong, Pertelot
feels the need to mollify him.]
O, lover, no! Perchance
In your condition, better have a dance.
27: BOCCHERINI MINUET – INTO SINISTER MUSIC....BKGRD THRU CHORUS SPEECH
CHANTICLEER and PERTELOTE descend and DANCE a minuet.
As the dance ends the tone of the music suddenly changes to sinister. It continues throughout the Chorus’s speech.
CHORUS [all SIX HENS together - Greek tragedy mode]
O lackaday, alas and treble woe!
How cruel are the fates to us below!
[HEN 1] While Chanticleer and Pertelote debated,
They little knew what direful fate awaited.
Now here’s a moral, listen up you cocks,
A red dog with black ears might be a fox!
[heavier sinister music]
[enter the Fox]
Dramatic music as Chanticleer sees the Fox. He screams, scrabbles back up aloft and hides behind Pertelote.
FOX [urbanely]
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Allow me to apologise, good sir,
I never meant to cause so great a stir.
Indeed I’d not have troubled you at all
Nor interrupt your constitutional
With such a charming fashionable bird
Had I not in my travels often heard
Of Chanticleer and his angelic voice
And felt I had no option nor no choice
But visit him and beg one simple thing To hear the mega-talent maestro sing.
[Pertelote is suitably flattered]
CHORUS [all SIX HENS together - still in Greek tragedy mode]
O Chanticleer, thy coming down was too brisk,
If only thou hadst heard of tragic hubris!
Chanticleer descends and breaks into a reprise of La ci darem la mano.
But he has uttered only a few notes when the Fox draws his sword.
FOX
Now citizen I have you at my mercy,
In vain call on the foppish Brit, Sir Percy!
CHORUS [HEN 1]
(In case the name has failed to ring a bell,
The allusion’s to The Scarlet Pimpernel.)
FOX
I’ll toy with you a while and then I mean
To introduce Madame la Guillotine!
28: SWASHBUCKLING MUSIC
THREE MUSKETEERS MUSIC again. They fight. Several times the Fox has Chanticleer at his mercy, laughs at him and returns his
sword. But finally If things proceed according to my plan:
Our strutting cock will soon be coq au vin.
The Fox lifts his sword to deal the final blow – and they all freeze.
CHORUS
[3 HENS] But stop!
[HEN 1] To reassure the young it is our mission,
Plus all of you of nervous disposition,
[HEN 2] And let you know you safely may believe
[3 HENS] This cock had one trick hidden up his sleeve.
CHANTICLEER
Sir Fox, you have the upper hand CHORUS [HEN 2]
- he quailed CHANTICLEER
And no-one can deny you have prevailed.
In your position, citizen, I know,
I’d make a victory speech before I go.
There is no doubt, for maximum effect, it
Can’t be beat as a dramatic exit.
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FOX
By Jove, you’re right! Just wait – I won’t be long –
While I hail the republic in a song.
29: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING
The band strikes up the stirring introduction and, assisted by the Miller and Cook, he begins to sing DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE
SING? from LES MIS. Some of the cheerier pilgrims wave a tricolor. But the Fox has uttered no more than the first line when the
music breaks down into cacophony to accompany Chanticleer’s escape. The cock makes a rapid ascent back to the beams and draws
up the ladder behind him.
FOX [aside] What have I done? O dullard of a fox!
As things stand now, the advantage is the cock’s.
HENS [who have been putting their heads together]
[HENS 1 & 2] And pardon our pedantic contribution –
[HEN 3] Your song was from a later revolution!
FOX [sneers at the hens; then, to Chanticleer] Come down, monsieur, O leave your gloomy barn;
Beshrew me if I ever meant you harm.
CHANTICLEER
[By now emboldened] There is a proverb, and a good one too.
If I recall it right, it’s: [thinks very hard] ‘Shame on you… [hesitates]
If you do fool me once… But, equally…’ [he’s lost]…
CHORUS [HEN 1]
[prompting him] ‘If you do fool me twice, it’s shame on me.’
CHANTICLEER [Irritated]
I know!
FOX [bitterly]
And here’s another proverb: Not
To count your roosters til they’re in the pot!
CHORUS [all SIX HENS together]
And now to sum up, best as we are able,
In choric mode, the moral of our fable:
Beware of pride, and best be on your guard
Against the flatterers of court or yard.
[HEN 2] To the audience, with mock-seriousness:
So let’s reflect, before Act Two begins,
And contemplate the Seven Deadly Sins…
There is a moment’s contemplative silence (cast looking appropriately pious), shattered by the opening bars of…
30: THE SEVEN DEADLIES
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4g SONG: THE SEVEN DEADLIES sung by the raucous members of the cast.
Oh - Sin is lovely, sin is best,
[solo, spoken bass voice] Sin deserves a better press;
Just accommodate the Fall Seven Deadlies – do ’em all!
Miss confession, sloth is fun,
[solo, spoken bass voice] Cultivate damnat-i-on:
Spend your Sundays skipping mass,
Coveting your neighbour’s ass.
Lechery, gluttony, sloth and pride,
The gates of hell are open wide;
Envy with your dying breath,
Come and do the Dance of Death.
Perjure, lie and break that oath,
[solo, spoken bass voice] Revel in the sin of sloth;
Bear false witness when you can;
Carpe diem! Be a man!
Forget to honour Ma and Pa:
[solo, spoken bass voice] They know what a scamp you are,
Idolize that Golden Calf –
Isn’t heresy a laugh!
Lechery, gluttony, sloth and pride…
Corrupting innocents is great [solo, spoken bass voice] Knock up that novitiate;
If fornication is your forte –
Get on down and make it naughty!
Lechery, gluttony, sloth and pride,
The gates of hell are open wide;
Envy with your dying breath,
Come and do the Dance of Death!
SNAP BLACKOUT for the END OF ACT ONE
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