Section V
Marriage Encounter
Presentation
Guide
A Resource Guide for Sharing Circle Presentations
Created by the Marriage Encounter Community of East Tennessee
“I place much of my hope for the future in Marriage Encounter”
His Holiness, John Paul II
Table of Contents
A Word from the Writers and the Editors
General Information
What is Worldwide Marriage Encounter? ..................................................................................................................... 1
What are the Results? .................................................................................................................................................... 2
The History and Philosophy of Worldwide Marriage Encounter ................................................................................... 3
What is a Sharing Circle? .............................................................................................................................................. 7
The Purpose of a Sharing Circle .................................................................................................................................... 7
What Makes a Circle Prosper? ...................................................................................................................................... 8
What Weakens a Circle? ................................................................................................................................................ 8
A Message for Circle Members ..................................................................................................................................... 9
Circle Mission Statement ............................................................................................................................................... 9
How to Use This Booklet ............................................................................................................................................ 10
Creating A Presentation ............................................................................................................................................... 11
Reasons for Writing ..................................................................................................................................................... 13
A Guideline for the Gift of Daily Dialogue ................................................................................................................. 14
What To Do About Feelings Concerning the Question for Today ............................................................................... 18
Reasons for Dialogue ................................................................................................................................................... 19
Rules of Dialogue for Preparing Your Presentation .................................................................................................... 20
Circle Presentation Tips............................................................................................................................................... 21
Sharing Guidelines....................................................................................................................................................... 22
Generic Outline............................................................................................................................................................ 23
Dialogue Helps ............................................................................................................................................................ 25
Rules for Sharing ......................................................................................................................................................... 26
F1 - Better Known as HELP! ....................................................................................................................................... 27
Suitable Topics for Presentations ................................................................................................................................ 28
Presentations
Acceptance .....................................................................................................................................29
Being Open to Others .................................................................................................................................................. 32
Children ....................................................................................................................................................................... 35
Feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Finances. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40
Free to Be Ourselves.................................................................................................................................................... 42
Generosity.................................................................................................................................................................... 45
I Like You; I Love You ............................................................................................................................................... 47
Impact of Dialogue on Us ............................................................................................................................................ 49
Jealousy ....................................................................................................................................................................... 52
Joy ............................................................................................................................................................................... 54
Life and Death Feelings ............................................................................................................................................... 56
Listening with All of My Heart .................................................................................................................................... 59
Love Triangle: You, God, and Me .............................................................................................................................. 61
New Beginnings: Living our Sacrament ...................................................................................................................... 64
Priorities ...................................................................................................................................................................... 66
Privacy ......................................................................................................................................................................... 68
Reaching Out - Let’s Do It! ......................................................................................................................................... 70
Receiving ..................................................................................................................................................................... 72
Recognizing My Needs ................................................................................................................................................ 74
Relationships ............................................................................................................................................................... 76
Self-Esteem .................................................................................................................................................................. 78
Sexuality ...................................................................................................................................................................... 80
Sharing the Dream ....................................................................................................................................................... 84
State of Our Unions ..................................................................................................................................................... 86
Today’s Marriage ........................................................................................................................................................ 88
What Difficulties Do You Have Tuning Into God? ..................................................................................................... 90
Who Do You Think I Am? .......................................................................................................................................... 92
Why Can’t I Stay the Way I Am? ................................................................................................................................ 94
Will the Real Me Please Stand Up? ............................................................................................................................. 96
Appendices
Appendix A: Dialogue Questions ..................................................................................................98
Appendix B: Feeling Words ...................................................................................................................................... 105
Appendix C: Commonly Used Abbreviations. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
A Word from the WritersA Word from the Writers
This booklet has been developed for couples that have attended a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend and are
involved in a Sharing Group which is often referred to as a “Circle of Love.”
This booklet is not sponsored by Worldwide Marriage Encounter and it is not our intent to imply that the only way
anyone can develop meaningful Presentations is by following the outlines in this booklet. If you are comfortable
developing and giving talks at your “Share Group” meetings without using an outline, then by all means, continue.
But if you, like many of us, struggle in writing Presentations then, this booklet may be of help to you. The important
thing to remember when writing any Presentation is that you share yourselves fully. Your couple love and your
relationship with the Lord is what is important and not the Presentation. The Presentations you give are merely the
vehicle that help you and others in your “Circle of Love” to grow in your love for each other and the Lord.
We want to thank all of the couples that contributed to this booklet by writing those beautiful outlines and other
materials. Please feel free to copy this booklet and make it available to anyone who wants it. In the meantime know
that you are loved by someone in Texas. Enjoy!
Yours in Christ,
Mike  Maria Durcan
Dallas World Wide Marriage Encounter Community
September, 1990
A Word from the Editors
It was obvious to us that the Durcan’s and the Dallas Marriage Encounter Community put forth a great deal of effort
in creating this Presentation Guide. With multiple generations of copy, pages missing, and nearly ten years gone by,
we felt it time for a revision. The vast majority of credit for the writing of this Presentation Guide goes to the
Durcan’s and those couples who worked tirelessly to create this for others. We have tried only to give the
Presentation outlines a more uniform feel while clarifying certain sentences and concepts. We have also expanded
the number of suggested Scripture readings. If you notice any grammatical or spelling errors, please notify us so that
we can make the necessary changes. Many new ideas for this Presentation Guide came from the Worldwide
Marriage Encounter Web Site located at www.wwme.org. In particular from the Web Site, many ideas need to be
credited to Doug  Diana Konz of Albany, Minnesota.
This Presentation Guide is available to you from us on disk (Word Perfect Suite 8). Should you like a copy, please
send your request to:
John C.  Cassandra D. Pinheiro
East Tennessee Marriage Encounter Community
3500 Sutherland Avenue Apartment L303
Knoxville, TN 37919
(865) 588-8589
cdpinheiro@yahoo.com
Special Thanks To...
The Worldwide Marriage Encounter Community of East Tennessee for their patience, guidance, love and support.
Each and everyone within this community is truly our second family.
What is Worldwide Marriage Encounter?
What is Worldwide Marriage
Worldwide Marriage Encounter?
Encounter?What
is
Worldwide Marriage Encounter is a movement in the Catholic Church aimed at revitalizing Christian
Marriage. It is the largest and longest-lived pro-marriage movement in the world and is active in 83 countries.
Recently, World Wide Marriage Encounter celebrated its 31st anniversary in the United States.
Currently, at least 15,000 couples a year attend a World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend in the United
States. Overall, over 2,000,000 couples have attended a United States World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend in
the last 31 years with 5,000,000 more couples attending Weekends in other countries during the same time period.
The Weekend is Catholic in orientation and is expressed in the traditions and understanding of the Catholic
Church. However, it is open to all faith expressions and 30% of the spaces on each Weekend are reserved for nonCatholics.
In addition to the Catholic experience of the World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekend, eleven other
denominations also conduct World Wide Marriage Encounter Weekends: Lutheran, United Methodist, Baptist,
United Church of Christ, Episcopal, Presbyterian, Reformed, Seventh Day Adentists, Orthodox, Mennonite and
United Church of Canada.
One of the key elements of World Wide Marriage Encounter is continued support after the Weekend. The
experience of the Weekend is meant to last a lifetime, but living God’s Plan is quite often in direct opposition to
living the World’s plan. Continued support of other Encountered couples and priests is encouraged and fostered
through small sharing groups and community events designed to keep the couples “centered on Christ and focused
on each other.”
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Page 1
What are the Results?
What are the Results?
The divorce rate among Catholic couples attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend is just 2% versus the
50% national average.
The Marriage Encounter experience not only benefits the couple and their sacrament, but also has positive
effects on family communications and parenting.
In addition to improved communication, the Marriage Encounter experience positively influences a couples
spirituality and religious practice in both the short and long term, with over 70% of the couples making the Weekend
reporting a greater openness to God and prayer, even years later.
A significant number of couples making the Marriage Encounter Weekend become more involved in their
parish in lay leadership roles and liturgical ministries.
Less than 15% of the couples making a Marriage Encounter Weekend rated their marriage as excellent
before the Weekend, but nearly 65% rated their marriage excellent after the Weekend, a 400% increase!
Over 90% of the couples making the Marriage Encounter Weekend consider it “very good” to “excellent.”
More than 80% of the couples making the Marriage Encounter Weekend said that even years later, their
experience continues to have a significant impact on intimacy and closeness in their marriage.
The History and Philosophy of Worldwide Marriage Encounter
The story of Marriage Encounter began in 1952 when a young Spanish Diocesan Laborer Priest named
Father Gabriel Calvo began developing a series of conferences for married couples. Father Calvo’s focus was on the
development of an open and honest relationship within marriage and learning to live out a Sacramental relationship
in the service of others. Each Presentation ended with a question designed to encourage the couple to look at the
concepts presented in terms of their own relationship. For approximately ten years, “The Marriage Teams of Pope
Pius XXI,” served as the presenting teams were called, traveled throughout Spain with this series of conferences for
married couples. They asked the participants for reflection upon themselves, their relationship with each other, and
with God.
In 1962, Father Calvo presented the conferences as a Weekend retreat to 28 couples in his native Barcelona.
The experience enjoyed immediate success and rapidly spread throughout Spain as the Encuentro Conjugal.
James and Mercedes Ferrer, one of the earliest couples involved with the conferences in Spain, addressed
the International Confederation of Christian Family Movements (ICCFM) together with Father Calvo in Caracas in
1966. It was there that “Encuentro Conjugal” was born in the New World. The Weekends spread to Latin America
under the aegis of the Movimiento Familiar Cristiano (MFC) to Spanish speaking couples in the United States.
The Encounter movement began its growth in the English speaking world when at the close of the Christian
Family Movement (CFM) Convention at Notre Dame University in 1967, a Mexican couple and an American
missionary priest from Mexico presented the Weekend to seven couples and a few priests. The Encuentro Conjugal
received the active support of Christian Family Movement and Pat and Patty Crowley, founders of Christian Family
Movement, who invited Spanish couples and priests to come to the United States and conduct Weekends for both
Spanish and English speaking couples. In the summer of 1968, 50 couples and 29 priests accepted the invitation and
presented Weekends in the United States.
By January of 1969, American couples and priests were conducting Marriage Encounter Weekends. A New
Jersey couple, Jamie and Arline Whalen, called together those couples and priests who had presented two or more of
what was now known as Marriage Encounter Weekends. A National Executive Board was formed with Jamie and
Arline as the first executive couple. Marriage Encounter remained affiliated with Christian Family Movement. The
second board meeting was held in 1969 at Notre Dame in conjunction with the Christian Family Movement
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The History and Philosophy of Worldwide Marriage Encounter
Convention. The first task of the board was to develop guidelines for the Weekend and to coordinate the
development of the movement in the United States and Canada.
In the Diocese of Rockville Center, New York, under the leadership of Edward and Harriet Garzero,
Christian Family Movement President couple, and Father Charles Gallagher, S.J., a youth retreat master, the
movement was growing rapidly. Philosophical differences with the National Leadership began to appear. In New
York, stress was placed on the follow-up to the Weekend as well as on the Weekend itself. There was a strong
emphasis on the development of a Marriage Encounter “community” to provide support for living the values learned
through the Weekend, especially for the “Dialogue” as a technique for communication through the sharing of
feelings. In addition, the renewal of the Sacrament of Matrimony was a strong focus as a means for renewing the
Catholic Church. The Long Island Leadership of the “New York Expression” of Marriage Encounter separated from
the National Board. The New York Expression formed Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Today, Worldwide and
National Marriage Encounter exist as two different expressions of the original Encuentro Conjugal of Father Gabriel
Calvo.
In the fall of 1971, the New York Group which, for a year, had been sponsoring Weekends weekly in the
New York area, made the decision to spread the experience throughout the United States and other parts of the
world. Teams traveled first to Grand Forks, North Dakota with the assurance of financial, training, and personnel
support from the New York family until the new unit could support itself. The only condition was that once the area
was self-supporting the same assistance would be given to other areas. By December of the same year, the Weekend
had reached Santa Barbara, California, the site of the first Worldwide Marriage Encounter .
At about the same time, Worldwide Marriage Encounter began its international expansion. Team couples
were sent to Belgium and then England. The expansion continues today. The Worldwide Marriage Encounter
Weekend is now offered in Latin America, Europe, Africa, Australia, and Asia as well as in Canada and the United
States. The number of countries in which the Weekend is given now totals 83. In 1978, the International Council
was formed and includes leadership teams (couple and priest) from seven secretariats: Asia, South Pacific, PanAfrica, Europe, United States, Canada, and Latin America. As of 2000, Alberto and Marinaty d’ElaMora in Mexico
City, Mexico and Fr. Jonas Guerrero Corona of Jalisco, Mexico are the International Coordinating Team.
Although Worldwide Marriage Encounter began as a Roman Catholic experience, it has always provided
openings for couples of other faiths. Many of these couples have seen the potential the Weekend offers for Church
renewal for their own denominations. In 1971, the Weekend was introduced to the Jewish and Episcopal faiths.
Worldwide Marriage Encounter provided the initial financial support and guidance needed for these expressions to
flourish. The spread of the Weekend to other faiths continues. An Interfaith Board meets twice a year for the sake
of communication and support. Eleven Protestant faiths are now affiliated with Worldwide Marriage Encounter.
They, together with the Roman Catholic Expression make up the Board. Other expressions are: Baptist, Lutheran,
Episcopal/Anglican, Presbyterian, Mennonite, Reformed, United Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, United
Methodist, United Church of Christ, and Orthodox.
Affiliation with Worldwide Marriage Encounter requires a commitment of fidelity to the Worldwide
Outline (except for necessary theological changes), having all team members on a given Weekend be of the same
faith denomination, and supporting the daily Dialogue technique as a practice and value.
Today, the Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend is offered in in all 50 states. In 1983, approximately
1500 Weekends were presented to about 25,000 couples (these figures do not include Protestant expressions). It is
estimated 1,250,000 people have experienced the Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend!
The National Board of Worldwide Marriage Encounter is made up of a couple and a priest from each of the
sixteen sections across the country. The National Executive Team is presently Lee and Jan Kremer of Algonquin,
Illinois and Fr. Gerry Bolduc, OMI. The National Office is located in San Bernardino, California at 2810 East
Highland Avenue, Suite 106, 92404-4666.
The basic philosophy of Worldwide Marriage Encounter rests on the belief that the Sacraments of
Matrimony and Holy Orders are a call to unity for the couple and the priest. For the married couple this is a call first
of all to unity with each other. That unity in love is a Sacramental sign to the Church of Jesus’ love for all of us.
They, therefore, not only receive the Sacrament of Matrimony, but their relationship becomes the Sacrament. Their
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The History and Philosophy of Worldwide Marriage Encounter
daily “yes” to one another is also a yes to the Church which has called them to a Sacramental way of life, not only for
their own sakes, but for the sake of the Church. They belong, not only to each other, but are called also to a unity
with others as their Sacrament.
The priest experiences a call to unity with his people; they ask him to be their priest. Just as Matrimony is
not a private affair for a couple, a priest’s priesthood is not his own. He is, therefore, not his own man. The call to
celibacy in the Latin Rite Church is not a call to chaste bachelorhood, but a call to intimacy, involvement, and
belonging to his people.
The Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend is designed as a series of Presentations by a trained team of
three couples and a priest. Each of these Presentations involves a sharing of some aspect of their own relationship
concluding with a question for the personal reflection and discussion of the participants (couples, priests, and
religious). The design is such that the Weekend is a private experience. There are no group discussions.
The experience begins on Friday evening and concludes late Sunday afternoon. It is usually held at a retreat
house or hotel. Generally, 20-30 couples participate.
Worldwide Marriage Encounter sees its Weekend experiences as the beginning of the Encounter. Followup programs and the development of the Encounter community at the local level are seen as a vital part of the
continuing growth and support. For the couple, these provide an opportunity for continued discernment of their role
and mission within the Church, usually in the context of the parish. Large numbers of Encountered couples tend to
become involved in parish leadership roles, especially in ministries relating to religious education, marriage
preparation, family life programs, Liturgy, prayer and spirituality. Diocesan or interparochial programs such as
Right-to-Life and Natural Family Planning are also areas that involve many Encountered couples. For these couples,
the Encounter community continues to be a source of continuing strength and support.
The Weekend itself has also proved to be a means of evangelization. Typically the couples experience not
only a conversion to each other, but a real conversion to their church. Often the unchurched or those who have been
apart from the Sacramental life of the Church for many years, experience Church in a new way and begin to develop
a deep sense of their own importance to the Church as a Sacramental sign of Jesus’ love and a sense of belonging.
There is a new awareness of the significance of others in their lives. Proselytizing those who are members of other
faiths is never the goal of the Weekend, but the desire for intimacy and unity with the marriage relationship often
results in the decision by the couple to embrace a common faith family.
At the heart of Worldwide Marriage Encounter’s philosophy is the deep-seated belief that the Sacraments of
Matrimony and Holy Orders are powerful and precious gifts given by God to the Church. The renewal of these
Sacraments are the special gifts that Encounter has to bring to the church in its own continuing self-renewal.
Worldwide Marriage Encounter, therefore, happily sees itself as joining with other movements who bring their own
gifts to the work of renewal, in providing new life for all the people of God.
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Creating A Presentation
What is a Sharing Circle?

A regular “Night Out” with your spouse.

A time to focus on your spouse and your family life.

A place where couples share what works in their Dialogue.

A time for continuing growth in our marriage relationships.

An opportunity to share your relationship with God, your spouse, and with others.

A community of married couples who support each other through the good times and bad.

A small group of Encountered couples who meet once or twice a month to share their
lives with each other.

An opportunity to socialize with other married couples who “believe in marriage,”
couples who like being married, and are not afraid to admit it.
The Purpose of a Sharing Circle

To reach out to renew the Church by showing and sharing our love to others.

To unite in community and sincerely try as couples and priests to develop our spirituality
through daily Dialogue, sexuality, and prayer.

To recruit for the Weekend, which allows us to spread our special gift of the Weekend to
other couples and priests.

To provide monthly Presentations that challenge and motivate ourselves as well as each
other.

To enthusiastically support the needs of the Weekend by responding to the Friday night
luggage carry, to sponsor couples and priests by praying for them, and by supporting
couples and priests.

To encourage couples and priests to be open and apostolic in seeking God’s plan in their
relationship.

To seek and call forth gifts that couples and priests could contribute to the welfare of the
community.

To accept responsibility as part of the Community Pillar regarding Community Night,
fund raising events, etc.
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Creating A Presentation
What Makes a Circle Prosper?

Focus is on relationship: be a couple!

Couples believe in Dialogue: Dialogue!

Couples care about each other: be lovers!

Sharings are accepted as gifts: be a good listener.

Circle format is followed: be faithful to a schedule.

Guidelines for sharing followed: establish a quiet atmosphere.

New couples are special: welcome new couples enthusiastically.
What Weakens a Circle?

Gossip: couples talk negatively about other couples.

Focus is on the activity: relationship takes a back seat.

Sharings are answered: sharings are looked at as problems.

Socializing is encouraged: again, relationship takes a back seat.

Circle becomes “cliquish;” vision of couples is inward - the “dream” is forgotten.

Couples are not committed to Dialogue: commitment of other couples is weakened.

Circle format not followed: Circle becomes long; deviations can inhibit new couples.
A Message for Circle Members
On the Weekend, we gained a better idea of how really special we all are. As Circle members, our
dedication is as brother and sister, and servant to each other and to others.
Sometimes we forget why we have joined together in a Circle. By uniting in Christian community and by
trying sincerely as couples to Dialogue daily, we reach out to renew our Catholic Church by showing and sharing our
love to others - first, by spreading our special gift, the Weekend, to couples, priests and religious. Besides recruiting,
we support the Weekend by enthusiastically responding to calls to carry luggage and to sponsor couples, praying for
them on the Weekend, and supporting them afterward as they struggle with Dialogue and the challenging idea of
renewing the Church and the World.
We also take turns with other Circles in sponsoring Community nights, recruiting for the Weekend and
providing dinner for the Presenting Team at the Afterglow.
Polishing up our own relationship comes first, but it is only part of the picture. We are united in a broader
effort. A Circle meeting can be a beautiful, rewarding, loving and shared experience, but like the Eucharistic
Banquet, the heart of the Church liturgy, it is not complete until we hear and act on the final instructions: “Go Forth
to Love and Serve.”
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Creating A Presentation
Please help bring the gift of the Weekend to all couples, priests and religious!
Circle Mission Statement
A Worldwide Marriage Encounter Circle’s Mission is to focus Encountered couples and priests on the
renewal of the Church and to support and encourage fully intimate, responsible relationships for them.
Circle provides support of sacramental spirituality through prayer, Presentation, daily Dialogue, sexuality,
and open and honest communication.
Circle provides enthusiastic support for the Weekend and commitment to a monthly gathering of
Encountered couples and priests that remains focused on the values and purpose of Worldwide Marriage Encounter.
Circle is designed for those who have shared the Weekend experience so that they may help to develop and
strengthen our Marriage Encounter Community.
Through Circle, we hear and act on the final instruction: Go forth to love and serve.
How to Use This Booklet
One of the most important things we learned on our Marriage Encounter Weekend was writing about our
feelings. For many of us, it has been a long time since our Weekend.
Some outlines in this booklet are only one page long while others are longer. Do not let the length of the
outline intimidate you; all Presentations should last approximately 20 minutes. Some outlines give you more
background materials than others. Sharing your couple love through Presentations will help you grow in your love
for the Lord and each other.
When working with the outlines, a list of Dialogue questions are provided. These are an excellent source of
material for developing your Presentation. However, they are not a hard and fast requirement. You may Dialogue
on any of them, all of them, none of them, or just use your own questions.
Everything is optional here; do whatever it takes and use whatever works.
Creating A Presentation
Preparation Before Writing

Select a topic from the booklet or from the Suitable Topics idea for a Presentation. It
could be about what is going on in your life right now.

Try to pick a topic that is relevant for other couples. You may have to re-word the
question to make it relevant. For an example, you may change a question from, “How do
I feel about fly-fishing,” to, “How do I feel about separate vacations?”

Pick a topic that both you and your spouse can agree upon and that is meaningful to your
relationship.

Write at least three Dialogue questions (more is great!) that relate to the topic of your
Presentation.

Utilize a dictionary or thesaurus if you need to find definitions or different words.
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Creating A Presentation

Dialogue on the questions you have selected at least four times. Use both the written love
letters and verbal portion of your Dialogues as input to your Presentation. Explore the
side roads that may come up in your 10/10.
Writing the Presentation - Make an outline, one for each spouse. Use a back and forth method of writing so that
the group hears from each of you as an individual.
Introduction - Start by giving the title of your Presentation and why you selected it. It is also appropriate to give a
short Scripture reading that is associated with the topic of your Presentation. The scripture reading can be given at
the beginning or end of the Presentation. This will provide emphasis to your talk and help turn everyone’s focus to
God and His role in our lives. The Introduction portion should last approximately two minutes for each spouse.
Body of Talk - This section contains the “meat” of your sharing and should be approximately six minutes for each
spouse. The following are some questions you may ask yourself to help you develop this section:

What are my feelings?

How are we in this area now?

How did this affect our relationship?

What is my plan for growth in this area?

What did we learn from this experience?



How did we resolve the issue or problem?

Where do I want to be and how am I going to get there?

How am I failing to love or act, and what are its effects on us?

What do I need to change about myself to love my spouse more?

What are my thoughts, opinions, judgements or experiences with this topic?

What are the blocks or obstacles (in Me) that I must overcome in order to grow in this
area?

How does our Dialogue help us in this area? If it is not, then what is it that we are trying
to avoid?
How are we separated or united by this topic?
Conclusion - In this section you tie up any loose ends and summarize your talk. This portion of your Presentation
should only be two minutes each.
Choose a Dialogue Question - The Dialogue question should be challenging and help the Sharing Group apply what
you have just shared to their own lives. Provide a 10/10 for a Dialogue. You may use the suggested Dialogue
question, or create one that caters specifically to your Presentation and the needs of your Circle.
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Creating A Presentation
Choose a Sharing Question - The sharing question should be easy to share on and should be a question each person
can respond to in open sharing; it can be the same as the Dialogue Question.
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A Guideline for the Gift of Daily Dialogue
Reasons for Writing

Writing allows you to be yourself. Sometimes, writing about feelings will even surprise
you and you may end up saying to yourself, “Is this me?”

You will be able to get in contact with yourself when writing, as it gives you time to
think.
If one spouse is generally a fast talker and thinker, writing will give the slower partner a
chance to be heard.


Feelings may be distorted while the other spouse is talking; you may miss your spouse’s
feelings because you are not listening. We cannot do two things at once.

We can write intimacies and silly, romantic things that we would never have the courage
to say out loud.
A Guideline for the Gift of Daily Dialogue
Time is Valuable - The time spent writing to your spouse is precious and makes reflection a “time gift” of love. Try
to picture your spouse in a favorite position and then present your feelings to him or her in the form of a love letter.
Do not watch the clock when reflecting. Some questions and days require more time to get in touch with your
feelings.
The Love Letter - The love letter is the springboard to our Dialogue; its purpose is not to just get the feelings out.
Dialogue should not be a grocery list of our feelings. The purpose is to build toward a total awareness of each other.
You may want to begin your love letter by silently saying a short prayer, or, perhaps writing a short prayer in your
love letter. Ask our Father to guide your hands as you write and to give you the openness, honesty and trust to reveal
your true self to your lover. Prayer is essential for Dialogue since our concern and strong desire for a closeness in
our relationship is our response to God’s Plan for us.
Keep your spouse in mind the entire time you write. Another way to begin your love letter is to write to your spouse
about the special quality you see in them each day or use endearments that are special to each of you.
Describing Feelings - One obstacle for getting in touch with your feelings is a lack of vocabulary; no one knows
enough names for feelings. The way to overcome this is to describe feelings in relation to our own experiences. For
example, the child who has a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach because he does not know the answer when the
teacher calls on him. Or, the refreshing feeling of a cool glass of tea on a hot day.
Do not wear masks when writing. Masks are worn when talking face to face or when we are defending ourselves
from close observation. There is no place for masks when writing your Dialogue;
be yourself.
We have many different choices to describe our feelings in our love letter. Physical description, music, food, nature,
past experiences, color, sound, touch, taste and smell are all ways we can utilize to describe our feelings deeply to
your spouse. Each couple must discover for themselves which area is best for them to describe their feelings, and
which area their spouse relates to easily.
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A Guideline for the Gift of Daily Dialogue
When writing your reflection, feel free to cross out things you do not mean and underline words and sentences for
emphasis.
Exchange and Reading of Love Letters
The exchanging of a love letter has a very important affect on and sets the mood of our Dialogue. A casual exchange
can lead to a casual Dialogue whereas a tender and loving exchange will create an atmosphere of care and love that
will give us a great desire for more. Remember, we are not merely exchanging pieces of paper with each other. We
are exchanging the most precious gift we can offer to one another: the gift of ourselves to our lover!
When reading your spouse’s love letter to you, get deeply immersed in your relationship and the feelings your spouse
is describing to you. Be careful not to get side-tracked and read what you want to know, versus what our spouse
might be feeling. Try to experience your spouse more fully, so you can love each other more completely.
Dialogue
After reading each other’s love letter, share your response feelings you have right then and whatever feelings are
stirring within you. Dialogue on your strongest feeling. The feeling could be something you wrote about in your
love letter or a new response feeling after reading the love letter. You may want to pray or meditate before or after
your Dialogue.
Questions to Enrich Dialogue

What are my feelings?

What are my thoughts about me in relation to how I feel?

Now that I have described how I feel, what thoughts or judgements do I have
about myself (not my spouse)?

What do I see myself doing?

How am I reacting to my thoughts and feelings?

What have I chosen not to do (listen, be involved, etc.)?

What does all this tell me about how I am handling my needs?

What need am I experiencing as not being nourished?

Am I compensating?

Have I given up?

Am I looking somewhere else to have my need nourished?

What are my options?

Do I want to change the way I respond or react?

How can I take responsibility for the sake of our relationship?
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Sharing Guidelines
Other Tips

Seek to understand your spouse, not to be understood. Spend as much time and effort
trying to understand your spouse’s point of view as much as you try to make them
understand yours.

Do not assume you know, ask! There is information that you cannot get by any other
means than by asking your spouse; never assume what they think. It is easy to get
impressions about what your spouse may be thinking from body action and facial
expression. Yet to know what they are really thinking, you must ask. Communication
will improve once we stop assuming, and start communicating.

Listen - do not interrupt (James 1:19).

Do not jump to conclusions.

Disagree? Yes! Disrespect? No! Always show respect for your spouse’s opinions even
when you disagree. Remember: your spouse is baring their soul to you (Phil 2:3-4).

Deal in potential; not the past.

Do not force your spouse to be your carbon copy.

Pray for one another!!!

We can learn to communicate, build self-esteem in each other, to love and understand one
another by reading God’s Word and following his rules. We must try our best to find
God and must not wander off from his instructions. We must think much about God’s
words and store them in our hearts. Gods Word will hold us back from sinning against
one another by failing to communicate (Psalm 119:9-11).

Be a ready listener, and do not talk until the other person is finished talking (Proverbs
18:13
and James 1:19).

Be slow to speak, think first, do not be hasty in your words, speak in such a way that the other person can
understand and accept what you say (Proverbs 15:23-28, 21:23, 29:20 and James 1:19)

Speak the truth always but do it in love; do not exaggerate (Ephesians 4:15, 25
and Colossians 3:9).

Do not use silence to frustrate the other person. Examine why you are hesitant to talk at
this time.

Do not become involved in quarrels. It is possible to disagree without fighting
(Proverbs 17:14, 20:3 Romans 13:13 Ephesians 4:31).
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Sharing Guidelines

Do not respond in anger; use a soft and kind response (Proverbs 14:29, 15:1, 25:15, 29:11
and Ephesians 4:26:31)

When you are in the wrong, admit it and ask forgiveness (James 5:16) When someone
confesses to you, tell them you forgive them. Be sure it is forgotten and do not bring it up
again (Proverbs 17:9, Ephesians 4:32, Col 3:13, and 1 Peter 4:8).

Do not blame or criticize. Instead, restore, encourage and edify (Romans 14:13,
Galatians 6:1, 1 Thess 5:11.).

Try to understand your spouses opinion; be concerned with their interests (Phil 2:1-4 and
Ephesians 4:2).1
What To Do About Feelings Concerning the Question for Today
Many times, it is difficult to stir up feelings about the subject for that day. You may have strong feelings
about something else at the moment, so write about those feelings. When you have expressed them, you may be able
to get back to the subject. It is far better to write about those dominant feelings you have at the moment than to skip
the Dialogue because you could not stir up feelings about the subject. During the Dialogue, you may be surprised to
find that your spouse had strong feelings about the subject that you could not feel about. You are both learning a
little more about the mystery of each other!
Sometimes, the most we can feel about something is good or positive, words that do not say too much about
our feelings. Very often it is because we are only scratching the surface. Writing helps to develop simple feelings
like “I really felt good when you brought me the rose.” During deep reflection, as you think about your spouse, you
may begin to feel loved and deeply appreciated because of his or her thoughtfulness. Writing helps you to realize
that you may have been taking an act of love for granted, and you discover a little more about yourself and your
spouse.
Reasons for Dialogue
Total Awareness of Each Other - As we discover more and more about our spouse through the written reflection,
we may have moments of unity when something arises that we have expressed feelings about in a previous Dialogue.
Knowing how our spouse feels at that moment, we may feel exactly the same way. This is what we are striving for:
the total awareness of each other.
Writing Negative Feelings - By writing our negative feelings, we can put them in their proper perspective and they
have a chance to taper off as we look at ourselves. For an example, you may feel anger and resentment towards your
spouse, but as you begin to unmask, you may find that these feelings are caused by your own selfishness. When you
write about your negative feelings, you can do it in a way that will make your spouse want to listen with his or her
heart. The feelings are no longer harsh, cutting words that if spoken verbally would scar and maybe never be
forgotten. By expressing these feelings, we prevent walls from being built.
Dialogue Do’s
Write:
Write a 10-minute love letter focusing on feelings
1
Many of the ideas in this section involving communication come from: Wright, H. Norman.
Communication, Communication, Communication: Key to your Marriage. Ventura: Regal Books, 1974.
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Sharing Guidelines
Exchange:
Dialogue:
Select:
Exchange and read your spouse’s love letter to you twice; once for the head and once for the heart
Dialogue for 10 minutes on the strongest feeling in one of the letters
A question for your next Dialogue
Dialogue Don’t’s

This is not the time for “garbage dumping”

Avoid getting hung up on grammar or spelling

Avoid measuring how much your spouse wrote

Avoid giving “you” messages; use “I feel...” statements instead

Do not expect your spouse to change because you shared your feelings

Avoid blaming statements (i.e. you made me..., or, you didn’t...); Concentrate on feelings

Avoid using critical judgements; the decision to love your spouse will keep you on track

Do not short-change your Dialogue time together by not spending the full time talking
about and continuing to draw out and explore the feeling about which you have written

Avoid the temptation to problem-solve on the subject during the dialogue time; be sure to
use the 10 minutes just to listen.
Rules of Dialogue for Preparing Your Presentation
The rules for Dialogue have been developed out of the growing pains of hundreds of couples. They are the
tools that help us to remove our masks, to realize how much we are loved and to have confidence in ourselves and in
our spouses. This growth is a two-way street. The more you reveal yourself to your spouse, the more he or she will
be able to reveal them to you. The more your spouse trusts and shares their feelings with you, the more you are able
to have confidence in him or her.

Avoid confusing toleration with acceptance.

Avoid a question worded in such a way that demands a decision or a solution.

Be willing to go back into your past to find shared experiences when sharing your feelings.

Use very deep questions most of the time, rather than settling for the safe “easy”
questions.

Be ready to Dialogue; refusal of one spouse to Dialogue or perhaps fights between
spouses when we start to break through to deep feelings.
All the foregoing are reasons for making reflections true love letters and our Dialogue time a “love-in”
between spouses.
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Sharing Guidelines
Building trust and confidence that my spouse will accept me as I am takes time. We are used to hiding
behind our masks and we are reluctant to remove them because we feel naked without them.
Dialogue is a time for experiencing our spouse’s feelings. Dialogue is meant to allow your spouse to share their
feelings without being judged or analyzed. Dialogue is not a time to unload or blame. By following some simple
rules and techniques, you can make the most of your Dialogue!
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Sharing Guidelines
Circle Presentation Tips

Keep your talk between 15-20 minutes.

Do not forget to bring a sense of humor.

If you Dialogue on the outline, the Presentation will write itself.

Although details are not necessary, please do not use generalities.

Keep a box of tissue close at hand. Everyone cries sometimes. That is part of sharing
feelings.

Most important, be yourself! We all have something beautiful and unique to share:
ourselves and our relationship.

Nothing traumatic; just everyday experiences. Just as our Dialogue is not used for true
confessions, so the Presentation is also not used for that purpose.

Keep it personal - your experience, your relationship, your Dialogue. Personalize by
using spouse’s name; instead of saying “we,” say “John and I.”

Write out the entire Presentation. This helps keep your talk focused and on topic. This is
one place where reading your speech is appropriate.
Sharing Guidelines
Return quietly to the Circle from your 10/10 Dialogue with your spouse so as not to disturb the mood of others.

Listen with no motor running.

Stick to the subject or topic area.

Share yourself with “I” or “Me” sentences.

Remember, in open sharing, sharing is voluntary.

Do not interrupt or finish someone else’s sentences.

Do not interpret someone else’s sharing to the group.

Do not comment on another person or couples sharing.

Do not preach; avoid such phrases as “You should...” or “You can...”
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Sharing Guidelines

Do not judge someone else’s sharing; avoid saying “I agree” or “I disagree.”

Listen with love in your heart; we all want to be listened to and understood.

Remember that others are enriched when they hear you share from your life.

Be brief if you tend to talk a lot; make an effort to share if you are the silent type.

Whatever is said in the Circle should remain in the Circle and is considered confidential.

Do not offer solutions; this is a time for listening and trying to understand, not for
answers.

This is not a time for witty remarks, clever comments, attempts to ease the situation or
efforts to change the subject; any such could possibly discourage the speaker from sharing
again.

Do not be uncomfortable with periods of silence. Remember that it will be awkward or
difficult for some people to share. If we try to keep things moving, they may never get up
the nerve to share at all.
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