Miss J for the Supreme Court
Ned Rice, OpEd Contributor
- | 5/14/09 5:31 AM
President Barack Obama has pledged to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter
with a nominee who has “empathy” and “understanding,” as well as “an appreciation of how our
laws affect the daily realities of people’s lives.”
So, in other words, it won’t be a white guy. As a disciple (and, arguably, a creation) of identity
politics, Obama is focusing mainly on female, Hispanic, and African-American nominees.
This has led some to wonder why not a combination thereof when Obama could easily pull off
the coveted diversity hat trick by putting a black Hispanic woman on the Court?
Then again, we’ve already had black and female Supreme Court justices. Picking another would
be so last millennium. And while some are calling for a Mexican-American on the Court, there’s
the whole swine flu issue to consider, especially considering the average age of the current
Justices.
One careless sneeze by a new Latino justice and we’d have another opening on the Court to
fill. Fact is, Obama is all about change, and race and gender quotas are about as over as the last
person kicked off AmericanIdol, whoever that was.
No, it’s time for this president to take identity politics to the next level by appointing the first gay
justice to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Freed from the constraints of having to know a lot about the Constitution, Obama’s ideal
Supreme Court candidate would have oodles of empathy, understanding, and appreciation of
people’s everyday lives, and also be as gay as a French telephone.
In other words, celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton, whose handling of Jessica Simpson’s
recent weight gain was a model of the empathy and understanding we would all expect of a new
justice.
Unfortunately, Girlfriend’s not a good fit because Perez disagrees with the President on same-sex
marriage. As opposed to “opposite marriage,” as Miss California calls it, or, as it’s known by
most Americans, “marriage.”
Besides, maybe just being gay isn’t a good enough reason to put someone on the Supreme
Court. Maybe a judge on our highest court should also have some experience as&hellipwell, as a
judge.
For example, how about America’s Next Top Model judge, Miss J? With his linebacker’s build,
dreamy eyes and dazzling wardrobe Miss J could bring some much-needed spice to a Court
that’s grown stodgy and predictable.
Miss J certainly knows his way around the inside of a floor-length black robe, and his sassy ‘tude
could make for some highly entertaining confirmation hearings.
Can’t you just picture Miss J telling Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy to ‘talk to the hand’? Can
I even get that image out of my head? As the swing vote on America’s Next Top Model, Miss J
was widely praised for his insightful questioning of petitioners (“Do you even have a mirror at
your house, Miss Thing?”), and his even-handed approach, especially on issues such as fashion
victims’ rights.
And, although Miss J designs and makes all of his own clothes by hand, he’s no one’s idea of a
strict constructionist, making him an excellent ideological fit to be Obama’s first Supreme Court
nominee.
My fellow Americans, I give you the newest Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the
United States of America, Miss J! Now let’s just hope he’s never had any income tax problems.
Ned Rice is a Los Angeles-based television writer.
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