All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a
decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk. That is
apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler.
She'll appreciate the witticism. Thank you. It'll also help improve her
initial impression of you. So what's going on with you two? Well, the
status is as it always was. She's a girl. She's a friend. She is not my-please forgive me for doing this-- "girlfriend." Right, right. So you're
still just texting and emailing? You don't feel any need to hang out with
her, you know-- be in the same room? Leonard, you are my best friend.
I've known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the
couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity
to Amy Farrah Fowler.
Got it. I sense judgment on your part. No, no. Maybe a little. May I
suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy. Jealousy? What do I
have to be jealous of? I have a functioning and satisfying relationship
with a female. You have none. Oh, right. That. Jealousy is an ugly greeneyed monster-- not unlike the Hulk-- who, by the way, also has a
girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as
the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if
there ever was one. I'm not jealous. Leonard not jealous. ♪ Our whole
universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago
expansion started. Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs
began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We
built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪
That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ ♪ The Big Bang Theory 4x05 ♪
The Desperation Emanation Original Air Date on October 21, 2010 -- Sync,
corrected by elderman -- -- for www.
addic7ed.com --You know, it just occurred to me, if there are an infinite
number of parallel universes, in one of them, there's probably a Sheldon
who doesn't believe parallel universes exist. Probably. What's your
point? No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes
chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard? Hmm, recently? Not much. Is it
because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond
with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to
deny you that opportunity? Um. Shut up. You know, when my grandfather
died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a center
three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people.
It's very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.
That sounds lovely. It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge,
Leonard? Sheldon, I'm just not dating someone right now. I don't need to
go to a senior center. Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.
Fine. If I don't meet someone soon, you can put me in a home. It's not a
home. It's a senior center. We'd never put Meemaw in a home! Hey, guys.
Hey. Hey. All right, I'll bow to social pressure: Hey! Excuse me. That's
my girlfriend, Bernadette. I assigned her her own ringtone-"Bernadette," by The Four Tops. Hello, Bernadette. When I call him, his
phone plays "Brown Eyed Girl." Which, now that I think about it, is not
so good. You realize he's just rubbing our noses in the fact that he has
a girlfriend, and we don't. You mean, you don't.
You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can't even
speak to women. Two words-- deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't
talk, because she can't hear me. What? That's what she said. Great. You
have a girlfriend, Howard's got a girlfriend, Sheldon's got a girl. No,
no, no, no! who's a friend. Thank you. What about you, Stuart? You have a
girlfriend yet? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in
the world where saying "I own a comic bookstore" is an actual pickup
line. Oh. Well, good for you. Not really. She's horrible. When she wants
to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts,
"Who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?" Why don't you just
break up with her? No, no, I can't.
Why not? 'Cause then I'd be alone, like you. Dude, why don't you just
invoke your girlfriend pact with Wolowitz? Because I don't need his
girlfriend to set me up with one of her girlfriends. I'm perfectly
capable of finding a girl on my own. Oh, Leonard, you remind me of the
funny old story about a man who walks into a women's correctional
institution with a stack of paperwork that will allow the female convicts
to go free. You're saying I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a
handful of pardons. Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
Leonard? Are you sleeping? No. Are you ill? No. Are you still depressed
because you're alone, and no one loves you? I don't know. Maybe. I want
you to know that I'm genuinely concerned about your well-being.
Thank you. You're welcome. But it's still no reason to have your feet in
my spot. May I offer an observation? What the hell? How long has she been
here? Since we got home from the comic bookstore. That was two hours ago.
As per your suggestion, we're hanging out. Quite frankly, I don't see
what all the hoopla's about. Go on, Amy. From a neurobiological
standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is
causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation. Did you know
that, Leonard? No. I did. I understand that some people find mates in
social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or
tavern? No, I'm not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar. Wise decision.
You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such
as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one's liquor and
throw darts-- separately or together.
Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard? Right. That's not
true of all bars. Juice bars, for example. Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah,
building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars,
oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar. What are you doing? Keep going. I'm
listening. That was rude. He does it all the time. He's a cornucopia of
social awkwardness. Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Let's make that
our word of the day. Agreed. And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow. Well, I
have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you. Wait. I
have a request. Yes? I'd like you to meet my mother. I see. Can I get
back to you on that? Certainly. Good night. Good night. Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard.
Yeah, what? Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother. Yeah. So?
What does that mean? Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is
a girl who's your friend, and not your girlfriend? Uh-huh. You can't say
that anymore. Wait. What? Look, she obviously wants to take your
relationship to the next level. I don't want the next level. I like this
level. Fix it for me! Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Simple! You
want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my
hands. I give you my blessing. That is insane. You're right. It would
never work. Amy finds you tedious. Okay, good luck. Wait! What am I
supposed to do? Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using
physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an
inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis? Screwed. There you go.
Amy's right. He is tedious. MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard, get the door! Why
can't you get it? MRS. WOLOWITZ: You know I'm doing a bowel cleanse for
my colonoscopy! I'm like an upside-down volcano here. Oh, hey. I hope you
didn't hear that. The volcano thing? No. What's with the T-shirt? You
working at the Apple store now? No, it's just something I threw on. I
know all your shirts. That's not one of them. You were pretending to work
at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren't you? Yeah. Turns out, they
guard the iPods, but they don't guard the shirts.
So, how'd it go? It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how
to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long
story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall. Just FYI,
don't try to go back with a fake mustache. I mean, they may not really be
geniuses, but they see right through that. I want to invoke the
girlfriend pact, Howard. You that desperate? No, I just. I want what you
have. You know, I want a woman in my life. MRS. WOLOWITZ: Holy Moses, how
much liquid can be in one tokus? To be clear, I meant like Bernadette,
not your mother. Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I'm off to meet
Bernadette's friend. How do I look? As if one of the plants from Invasion
of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd
amount of hair gel.
What are you working on? I'm removing my digital footprint from the
Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me and compel me to meet her
mother. Ah. You're going off the grid. Exactly. The old Unabomber
approach. Kudos. Thank you. I've also sent Amy a relationship termination
notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address. What if she
just comes over? She'll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles.
We now live at 311 Los Robles. You changed the address on the building?
What about mail? Oh, no worries-- I explained my predicament to our
letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were: "Got your back,
Jack. Bitches be crazy." Who is it? Amy Farrah Fowler. Darn! She found
me! She's been here before. The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan.
Now, get my back, Jack. What do you want to do? Tell her I'm not here.
Okay, where are you? I don't know. You'll have to devise a scenario that
plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie
lies in the details. Hi, Amy. Sheldon's not here. All right. Way to go on
the details. Thanks again for doing this, Bernadette. Oh, I take pacts
very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified
super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit
we crossed Ebola with the common cold. Why the hell would you cross Ebola
with the common cold? We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible
thing. Hi. Sorry I'm late-- I was at the gym. Spin class-- worked up
quite a sweat. Joy, this is Leonard.
Leonard, this is Joy.Hi. Hi. You don't look like a genius. Go ahead, say
something smart. Uh. Aah! Time's up. Just kidding. First thing you need
to know about me: I'm hilarious. Yeah. So, Bernadette tells me she knows
you from self-defense classes? Yeah. Israeli Krav Maga. Lots of fun.
Basically, a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off. Wow.
Wouldn't think there'd be that many. Number 42! Whoa! Isn't she a pip?
Proxima Centauri's the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are
Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard's Star, Wolf 359. Lalande 21185, Sirius
A, Sirius B, BL-Ceti, UV-Ceti, Ross 154. Ross 248. Epsilon Eridani, Lac9352, Ross 128, Procyon A. Oh, darn, that's wrong! EZ Aquarii A, EZ
Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A. Those are the stars that are nearest
to me.
Tra-la-la and fiddle-dee-dee. Oh, dear. They really do be crazy. This
lobster's good on the way down and the way up. Should be-- it's $30 a
pound. Hey, this is a date, right? Yep, it is. 73! Whoa! Excuse me, I
have to go to the little girls' room. and take a wicked whiz. I'll go
with you. Fair warning-- I had the asparagus. My pea is gonna stink up
the place. I think she likes you. EZ Aquarii B. EZ Aquarii C. Excuse me,
madam. Sheldon? Rats! I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when
I asked you to meet my mother. No misunderstanding. I've learned what
that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another
object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. In what way
are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my
mother so she'll be satisfied that I'm in a relationship.
So we'd be perpetrating a ruse? Precisely. And you haven't fallen
hopelessly in love with me? Don't be absurd. I find the notion of
romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value
to human relationships. Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic
thing anyone has ever said to me. I trust this clarification allows us to
return to boy-slash-friend-slash- girl-slash-friend status. Of course.
Would you like to join me for Chinese food? Sheldon, please, you're
suffocating me. My apologies. Good night, Amy. Good night, Sheldon. Come
on, just give her a chance. Maybe she'll grow on you. Or maybe she'll
finally succeed in ripping my nuts off. There are still 93 ways she
hasn't tried yet. Look, H-Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is,
like, the worst date of my life.
Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on J-Date, and
that didn't even crack my top ten. I guess the difference is, I have some
self-respect. Not that I've ever seen. It's relatively new. I just know
that I'm not gonna spend time with someone I don't like simply to have a
girlfriend. I'm okay on my own. Good news-- I made lots of room for
dessert. Look, uh, Joy, it was nice to meet you, but. Yeah, you, too.
Hey, you got anything for next weekend? I need a date for my cousin's
wedding. You're asking me out? Yeah. And it's an open bar, so I'll
probably be giving it away. I look forward to it. MRS. FOWLER It's nice
to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me
she had a boyfriend. I assure you I am quite real and I'm having regular
intercourse with your daughter.
What? Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of
us has been hurt. Amy. what is he saying? You wanted me to have a
boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for
Sheldon is stirring in my loins. Oh, yes, it's time for me to make love
to your daughter's vagina. Thank you, Sheldon, that went very well.
Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in
coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please
show yourself out. -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for
www.addic7ed.com --