Title ................................................................................................................................................. 2
Title ................................................................................................................................................. 2
Beginning ........................................................................................................................................ 2
Endings ........................................................................................................................................... 2
Summary and Scene ........................................................................................................................ 2
Plot .................................................................................................................................................. 4
Characters ....................................................................................................................................... 4
Theme ............................................................................................................................................. 5
Language ......................................................................................................................................... 5
Setting ............................................................................................................................................. 5
Narrative Pace ................................................................................................................................. 5
Time Markers .................................................................................................................................. 6
Dialogue .......................................................................................................................................... 6
Verb Tense and Point of View ........................................................................................................ 7
Editing ............................................................................................................................................. 7
Title
Could we get a title? In revision, look at some of the titles in the book and think about what they
are doing well.
Could we get a more interesting title? In revision, try 5 different titles and choose the most
delightful one.
Beginning
The sentence gives us specific information, but it isn’t very artfully crafted. Try re-writing it
several times to see if you can say this in a more stylistic way.
This beginning reads like an introduction from an academic essay because it explains rather than
using techniques of fiction such as description, narration and action. In revision, make the
beginning more unique, surprising and interesting by using techniques of fiction instead of
summary.
Try re-writing this first line several times, without any direct reference to what the line says right
now. The poem should SHOW this concept, not TELL this concept. Try to make this concept
tangible through the use of a sensory image rather than through explanation.
This opening scene moves very slowly and so I lose a bit of interest in continuing with the story.
Think about starting a different way.
Endings
The story seems rushed here. I would suggest spending some time developing a final scene that
is more detailed, has a more careful narrative pace, and that shows the significance of the
transformation the character undergoes.
This ending reads like a conclusion paragraph from an academic essay because it explains the
significance of the ending rather than narrating or describing it. Such an ending is difficult to
avoid, especially if there is not enough room left at the end to fully develop the effects of the
conflict resolution in the story. One technique that could help here is to save a scene to narrate
through at the end that shows the change the characters went through.
The ending could do more. This seems like the expected outcome, but I’d be much more
interested in an ending scene that surprises and delights.
Summary and Scene
This is summary, and scene would be much more effective at this point. Summary can make the
reader lose interest. Try to stay with action and narration and description so the story comes to
life.
This is summary, and it slows the story down and makes it hard to read. Try to stay with the
techniques of fiction—narration, action, description, dialogue.
The story includes lots of summary, or telling writing. It is the type of explanation that is found
in academic essays because it explains details and concepts. In short stories meaning should be
created through the use of sensory images, scenes, narration, description, and dialogue. In
revision, highlight all the sentences of summary, or telling writing. Then remove those, and
show us those concepts through scene.
One of the most common errors beginning fiction writers make is to summarize events rather
than realize them as moments. Here we get summary when we should get scene. Instead of
telling us that this is the case (summary), put your mind’s camera on the moment and tell us what
the room looks like, what it smells like, where the people move, what the sounds are (scene).
There are a lot of parts in the story that are summarized instead of narrated and described. Put
your camera’s lens on the characters and let them move around and talk rather then telling us
how they feel and who they are.
This is told in summary. It is not giving specific detail—instead it is summarizing what
happened over a large span of time. That takes us out of the story, and gives explanation rather
than sensory images. In revision, give concrete, detailed images that show these concepts rather
than telling them.
This sentence is summary (explanation), when this concept has already been shown through the
proper techniques of fiction (narration & description & dialogue & action). In revision, comb
through the story and highlight in yellow any sentence or passage that explains how someone felt
or what the significance of something was. You will want to make sure to remove those
sentences, and make sure those feelings and that significance are communicated through
narration and description.
In revision, highlight passages of narration, description, meaningful dialogue, and action. Keep
those passages, and delete the summary and explanation. Too much of this story is told in
summary. A story is like a movie—we should experience the events through sensory detail.
Forms of the verb "to be" usually indicate the writing is about to tell something rather than show
it. In revision, comb through your writing and remove writing that summarizes and explains.
Instead, use techniques of fiction such as dialogue, narration, and description.
Most of the concepts are summarized instead of being shown. Try to visualize concepts in your
mind—put your camera’s lens on it and think about concrete details you could use to show this
rather than telling it.
Forms of the verb "to be" usually indicate the language is about to tell something rather than
show it. Here use a stronger action verb that shows meaning rather than telling it.
There are a lot of abstract thoughts and summary in this paragraph so it is very difficult to
follow. Narration and action would give the reader more reason to move on.
This is told with the conditional “would.” It would be much more effective if told in scene, with
the action happening in a specific time and place. I know your point is to establish that this
happened often, but showing it completely once, then saying that it happened often is more
effective than saying “would.”
The rest of the paragraph shows, but this tells instead. In short stories it is important to let the
reader understand the forward action of the story rather than over explaining it.
Every scene in the story must do some work to deepen theme. What does this scene tell us about
the theme?
What more effectively portrays emotion, overstatement or understatement? If I am describing a
sadness to you, which is more powerful--telling you how hurt I am, or gently showing you an
image or symbol of that hurt? I would suggest giving us details about what happened so the
reader can understand the emotion.
Plot
There is no plot here, or, no actions unfold in the story. To have a plot, the story must have a
situation, conflict, rising action, climax, falling action, resolution, and conclusion. We don’t get
those here.
I do not believe the plot.
Characters
We get several characters in a small space with very little description. Remove the characters
that aren’t central to the story. Then give more detail about the characters that are.
Think about how you can make this character transcend the stereotypical. Make a list of
expected details. What do we all expect to hear about a character like this? Then make a list of
details that stray from the stereotype. Use those in the story.
Try to think about unique and interesting details that would make these characters feel more like
individuals and less like idealistic representations.
We know very little about this character. Make sure you have written a full character profile,
and that you have included details from that profile in your story. What are some surprising
details about this character? What is special about the character?
In fiction there always needs to be a conflict and a resolution. The characters must be at odds
with themselves or with some other thing. Then the goal of the story is to resolve that conflict.
Resist the urge to explain to the reader exactly what the relationship is between characters.
Instead, show them that relationship through the character’s actions.
Right now the story is “I” heavy. As an exercise, go through the story and count the sentences
and phrases that start with “I.” This often indicates an over-abundance of summary from the
perspective of the first person narrator. Work on adding narration, description, action, and
dialogue that show us the I rather than summarizing it.
This is really a summary of the character rather than actual description or character development.
Work on putting a camera’s lens on the scene, rather than telling us general ideas of what the
character is like.
Theme
So far the theme of the story is not clear. A story has to offer tension, conflict, theme—there has
to be a promise of a pay-off for the reader to keep reading. There is no conflict so far in the
story. Before revising, journal for a while about what the point of your story is. What did you
learn from writing it? What should your reader learn from reading it? What is the conflict?
What is the tension? How do the characters change?
Language
Test the writing for clichés by asking yourself if the phrase you are using is particular or generic.
What about this phrase? Can we see a specific image in our minds, or is this just a generic way
to say this? In revision, think about sensory images you might bring to the writing to make it
fresh.
In revision, highlight all of the adjectives in yellow. Are they as strong as they should be? What
do they add to the theme and tone?
Try to avoid the over-use of adjectives and adverbs. Instead, pick stronger nouns and verbs to
begin with. If you must use an adverb or adjective, try to avoid the obvious choices. In revision,
try doing an “adverb/adjective assessment.” Are all of them needed? Are they all as strong as
they could be?
This paragraph is choppy because most of the sentences are the same structure and length. In
revising this paragraph, work on adding smaller sentences, combining some sentences so they
are longer, and removing language that is repetitive or wordy. Give the paragraph better flow.
Setting
Could we get some additional details of setting? Describe the place so it comes to life.
Narrative Pace
The narrative pace of the story could be better timed. Right now all of the action of the story
gets the exact same attention. That makes it drag on a bit, because there is no tension, no
suspense, no build-up to a resolution.
This is narration, which is an important technique. However, every piece of narration needs to
serve a purpose. It could be used to add detail to a character, it could be used to show tension, it
could be used to give background information. What is the purpose of this action? How dies it
relate to the theme? What do we learn from it?
This scene could have better pacing. Most of the actions are described with the same weight,
when in reality some of the actions are more important than others. Work on how long it takes to
tell each part of this action.
Time Markers
Time markers help readers understand the forward action of the story. Add a phrase here that
indicates when and where this is happening so that it makes sense in relation to the rest of the
story.
Paragraphs exist to make reading easier. Try to make your paragraphs pretty consistent in
length. A series of long paragraphs can make prose dense and unpleasant to read. Short
paragraphs make writing seem disjointed or skimpy. Each paragraph should have a clear
purpose and a clear role in the story.
Instead of giving the date, do the math. It’s hard for the reader to memorize dates in the
chronology.
It’s time to do a “time marker” sweep. Highlight in yellow all of your time markers. Are they
clear? Can your reader understand when and where all of the action is taking place? Do you
need to revise time markers to make them more specific? Do you need to add some so the reader
knows when and where something happens? Setting must always be clear. The reader must
always have a clear sense of time and a clear sense of place.
Dialogue
We need a new, indented paragraph each time another person acts, thinks, or talks. Study one of
the stories in our book to get the hang of exactly how to format dialogue.
We only need a new paragraph when a new person thinks, acts or talks. If it is the same person,
write it in the same paragraph.
Only write dialogue that helps characterize. Work on making the dialogue=personality.
Spoken dialogue goes in quotes. Internal dialogue goes in italics. Don’t mix the two.
I get a bit lost in this dialogue. Perhaps some more description and action between the talking
would help the reader picture the scene.
Dialogue has the job of moving the story along. If the dialogue is too lengthy, the reader loses
interest. This could be shortened and distilled so we get the action without the wait.
Dialogue in a story must have a point. Only include dialogue that helps characterize, or that
creates theme, or that creates tension, or that gives important information.
The dialogue could be more realistic. Always try to match the way people speak with the
characters you want them to be. This seems wordy.
Dialogue tags (he said/she said) are used for the purpose of identification. Avoid tags with
emphatic synonyms (he spat/he grumbled/he whined) because they are unnecessary and
obtrusive. Also avoid tags that tell (he said limply/he said emphatically). The dialogue itself
should show how the speaker feels. If the emotion is unclear, re-write the dialogue so that it
better conveys tone.
Read this out loud, and see if it doesn’t seem perhaps a little long-winded. Dialogue is speech
distilled. This speech might be a bit repetitive. In revision, try condensing it and see what effect
it has.
Let the dialogue do some of this work. Don’t feel the need to add summary in between the
speech. If the dialogue is well written, we don’t need constant explanations of how the speakers
are feeling.
Verb Tense and Point of View
Watch verb tenses. I always have a hard time with that too. I would suggest reserving one
special proofread through just for verbs. Make sure all your verbs are either past or present.
See what would happen if you write it in a different verb tense. In revision, try writing it three
ways: past, present, and future. See what works best.
This is written in first person. What would happen if it were written in third person?
Editing
This line does not seem as strong as it could be. Try re-writing it 5 times, and chose the line that
makes the most sense, and says what you want to say in the most eloquent manner.
The grammatical structure of this sentence is incorrect. Try reading it out loud before rewording it. Make sure the sentence makes sense syntactically.
The grammatical structure of this sentence is awkward. Try reading it out loud before rewording it. Make sure the sentence makes sense syntactically.
Prepositional phrases can make writing sound wordy. In revision, highlight all of the story’s
prepositional phrases. How could the sentences be re-worded?
Parenthetical phrases can be distracting if they are over-used. Parenthetical phrases may appear
in parentheses or they may be set off with hyphens, colons, commas, or semi-colons. In
sentences where one than one parenthetical phrase appears, think about why you need the
phrases. Can the sentence be re-worded so that the information is given more directly?
As an experiment, reduce the number of words in your story by 20%. What happens to the
language? What happens to the meaning?
Periods and commas go inside quotation marks.