GREATER TUNA
by Jaston Williams, Joe Sears, Ed Howard
Stanley
Stanley is at the funeral by himself, speaking to the body of the Judge who sent him to
jail.
Guess who! Well, don’t you look just like yourself? Don’t you though, your honor?
Dead. You can’t imagine how safe I feel. ‘Course, I had a lotta time to think about it
while I was in reform school. That's about all I can say for Gatesville. Plenty of time to
think. Yeah, Judge, I had to nuzzle up to that homely housekeeper of yours. Yolanda. She
thought I was in love. Oh, I kept it up 'til I got me a copy of all her keys. And I got all my
information bit by bit. Ya know, like her schedule and your schedule and that one hourthat one hour on Wednesday morning when you were all alone. When she went out to
buy groceries. Yeah, I found out about that, and I set you up. I just parked across from the
Piggly Wiggly and waited. And when I seen Yolanda go into that store, I done a beeline
to your house. Drove right up the curvin' driveway. Walked right through the goddamned
front door, right up the stairs to your bedroom. And all you could do was lay there on
your half-paralyzed ass and stare, but you knew what I was there for, didn't you? You
knew! Man, it was hell gettin' you into that swimsuit! It was worth it. But you wanna
know what my favorite part was? Huh? You wanna know what my favorite part was,
your honor? It was when I pulled out that syringe, and you started pleading with me. You
pleading with me! And all it took to finish you off was a few air bubbles, right in the
vein. . . just a few little air bubbles - stroke! I guess we're even. Then why don't I feel like
it, huh? You know, someday, after my mama's dead, I may just turn myself in. Won't
everybody be surprised? Oh, I can hear 'em now: "Why, who would have thought Stanley
Bumiller would have the brains to pull that off?" Sheee. . .