George Carlin – Stupid things we say
As you listen to the recording, pay attention to these things:
1. contractions of common words and phrases (‘em, gonna, etc.)
2. pronunciation of “you” as “ya”
3. voice switching
4. “how come” for “why”
5. hyperbole
6. tube one
7. tubeless
8. either
9. “I’ll bet you . . .”
10. “he don’t” and “you gotta” (non-standard grammar)
1)
This next thing, this next thing is about the English language. It’s about little
expressions we use, we all say them, the little sayings and expressions that we use all the
time, most of us, and we never seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all. We
just sort of say these things as if they really made sense.
2)
Like legally drunk. Well, if it’s legal, what’s the fucking problem? “Leave my friend
alone, officer, he’s legally drunk.”
3)
You know where you can stick it. Why do we always assume every one knows where
they can stick it? Suppose you don’t know? Suppose you’re a new guy? You have
absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled
“Where to stick it.” Now that I think of it, I believe there is a government booklet like that.
They send it to you on April 15th.
4)
Undisputed heavy-weight champion. Well, if it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting
about?
5)
It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch. You know that one, uh? Everytime you see a story
about a serial killer on TV, what do they do, they bring on the neighbour and the neighbour
says “Well, he was always very quiet.” Someone in the room says, “It’s the quiet ones you
gotta watch.” This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption. I will bet you anything
that while you are watching a quiet one, a noisy one will fucking kill you. Suppose you’re in
a bar and one guy is sitting over on the side reading a book, not bothering anybody, and
another guy is standing in the front with a machete, banging on the bar saying “I’ll kill the
next motherfucker who comes in here.” Who you gonna watch? You’re goddamn right.
6)
Lock him up and throw away the key. This is really stupid. Where are you going to
throw the key? Right in front of the jail? His friends will find it. How far can you throw a
key? Fifty, sixty feet, at most. Even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it,
what do you get? An extra ten feet, tops. This is a stupid idea, needs to be completely
rethought.
7)
Down the tubes. You hear that one a lot. People say, “Ah, the country is going down
the tubes.” What tubes? Have you seen any tubes? Where are these tubes? And where do
they go? And how come there is more than one tube? It would seem to me, one country, one
tube. What? Does every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now? One tube is all
you need. But a tube that big, somebody would have seen it by now. Somebody would have
said, “Hey, Joey, Joey, look at the fucking tube. Big ass fucking tube over here.” You never
hear that. You know why? No tubes. We don’t have tube one. We are essentially tubeless.
8)
Takes the cake. You know, say, “Boy, he really takes the cake”. Where? Where do
you take a cake? To the movies? You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery
to see the other cakes. And how come he takes the cake? How come he don’t take the pie?
A pie is easier to carry than a cake. Easy as pie. Oh, wait. Cake is not too hard to carry,
either. A piece of cake.
9)
The greatest thing since sliced bread. So, this is it, uh folks? A couple of hundred
thousand years. The fucking pyramids, for Christ’s sakes. The Panama Canal. The Great
Wall of China. Even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread. What’s so great about
sliced bread? You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread. Slice the fucking thing. And get on
with your life.
10) Out walking the streets. You know, a guy gets a parole, you say “Now, instead of being
in prison, this guy is out walking the streets.” How do we know? Maybe the guy is home
banging the babysitter. Not everybody who gets a parole is not out walking the fucking
streets. A lot of times they steal a car, you know. We ought to be glad. Thank God he stole a
car. At least he is not out walking the streets.
11) Fine and dandy. That’s an old-fashioned one. ------- You say to a guy, “How are ya?”
He says “Fine and dandy.” Not me. I never say that. You know how come? Because I’m
never both of those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine, but not dandy. Close to
dandy. Approaching dandy. In the vicinity of dandihood. Not quite fully dandy. Other
times I am indeed highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, one time, in 1965, August, for
about an hour, I was both fine and dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
I could have told them. I could have told them. I could have told them. I could have said to
the person, “Fine and dandy.” I consider it a lost opportunity.
12) Walking papers. You know, a guy gets fired. You say, “Geez, poor guy. Well, they
give him his walking papers today.” Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously.
Believe me, in my life, I’ve got fired a lot of times. You can tell. Never got any walking
papers. Never got a pink slip, either. You know what I would get? A guy would come
around to my desk and say “Get the fuck out of here.” You don’t need paper for that.
13) It’s like the riot act. The riot act. They keep telling you they’re going to read that to
you. Have you heard this thing at all? Especially when you’re a kid, they threaten you. “You
wait till your father comes home. He’s gonna read you the riot act.” “Tell him I already read
it myself. And I didn’t like, either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. If he wants to
read me something, how about the Gentleman’s Guide to the Golden Age of Jobs?”
14) More than happy. I’ll bet you say that sometimes, don’t you, once in a while? You say
to somebody, “Oh, I’d be more than happy to do that.” How can you be more than happy?
To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition. “We had to put Dave in the mental
home. He was more than happy.”
15) One more of these. In your own words. People say that to you. You know where you
hear that a lot? In a classroom or in a courtroom. They’ll say to you, “Tell us, in your own
words.” Do you have your own words? Hey, I’m using the ones everyone else has been
using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say “nik flud barni
quando flue.”