Office of Writing Proficiency
PREPARING FOR THE WRITING PROFICIENCY EXAM
Example of a Failing Essay
Prompt:
In September 2009, President Obama announced his plan to deliver a speech to
schoolchildren, an announcement causing some controversy. Some parents had no
problem with their children watching the address at school, while other parents opposed
it. Take a position regarding whether or not the President of the United States in general
or President Obama in particular should expect schools to televise speeches directed at
school-age children, and provide reasons for your position.
Essay:
In this day and age tv is everywhere we can watch it on our phones and
sometimes even in our cars. Many people speak to us on television and kids are
watching it way to much. President Oboma plans to give a speech about staying in
school. Many presidents of our country have given speeches.
If a President makes speeches to school kids and he expects the teachers to
stop what their doing to show the speech on the television. Many people worry that he is
a socialist and will make there children socialists too. The President could be a bad
influence. When I was in school I remember Bill Clinton was always on the television and
he was having to tell about having affairs and lieing about it. My mom and dad though it
was awful that he lied and they got tired of seeing him always on the news they finally
sometimes just turned it of.
When president Oboma gives his speech he is trying to tell the kids to stay in
school and get a good grade. This is an important message that students need to here,
and Oboma is doing what other presidents have done. When children know that the
president wants them to do something, they will probably want to do it. Staying in school
is important, because if you get a degree, you can be whatever you want to be. In
America, we are free.
In conclusion, since the beginning of America, presidents have used the
television to communicate with Americans, and it continues today with our current
President, Barak Obama.
2009
Office of Writing Proficiency
2009
Satisfactory
Essay
 Thesis
“Many presidents of our
country have given
speeches.”
 Support

Does not assert a position
on the topic of presidential
speeches. Instead, this is
a statement of fact.
Paragraphs provide two
examples with supporting
details, but each paragraph
asserts a different position.
Information follows no
logical order. Paragraphs 2
and 3 could be reversed
without any impact on the
overall flow of the essay
Organization
Paragraph
 Unity

Coherence

Development
Sentences
 Controlled
 Clear
Mechanics and Usage
Style (University level)
Unsatisfactory
Paragraph 3 is ok, but
paragraph 2 begins with a
topic sentence that is not
developed. The Clinton
example does not match
the topic sentence.
Lack of transitions to
explain relationship
between each idea.
Paragraph 3 relies too
much on generalities.
Ok. Most of the sentences
are complete or
demonstrate some degree
of control
Ok
Run-on sentences
Fragment
Usage: tv, here/hear,
there/there, of/off
Sp: Oboma, lieing
Clichés such as “in this day
and age” and repeated use
of general statements,
such as “since the
beginning of America,”
reveal a lack of rhetorical
sophistication.