Squire Craig and the Cockatrice
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a young squire, known as Craig the Coward.
Craig was mocked by all the maidens, all the pages, and all the squires because he was afraid of
dragons. The knights laughed at him and made him clean the back parts of their horses. Every
time a dragon came to Castle Claridge, some other squire had to go off and save the maiden.
Then they became a knight. But not Craig. Even after all of Craig’s friends had become knights,
he was still left a large and gawky looking squire-man-boy.
Inside the castle, the knights sat each night inside the Hall of Dorson eating mead and meat and
other types of meat while Craig and the other squires hustled to refill glasses and bring more
trays of food. Craig was back in the kitchen when suddenly he heard a great whooshing sound
from outside in the hall. He hurried back outside with his tray and suddenly stopped where he
was. Surprised, he dropped the tray.
“Great rock of Enoch!” he exclaimed.
Looking around the hall, he saw that something had turned every knight, every squire, and every
page there to stone. Even Lord Patrick, his gullet swollen from years of fortified spirits, sat
frozen at the head of the table, a grimace on his face like he was choking on some food.
“Chef Jorgenson, chef Jorgenson!” he cried. “Something has turned all the knights and squires
and pages to stone!”
“Oh no! Muy meata balls! Dey will go cold! Dis is terrible,” said the Swedish chef.
“I’ll go fetch the wizard at once!” said Craig.
Craig ran through the castle until he reached the dark and gloomy spire of Stynes, with a
staircase constructed of bones. He climbed up the stairs until at last he reached the door to the
wizard’s chamber. He knocked three times.
“Hello, hello, who is there?” said the door, suddenly coming to life. “Quit that knocking.”
“Ahhhhh!” Craig screamed and jumped away from the door.
The door did not move. He came back and looked at the door. Craig bravely took a torch from
the wall and held it against the wood.
“I need to go inside!” Craig insisted. “Let me inside this instant!”
“Ouch, ouch, take the fire away you rascal!” said the door. “It’s my job to keep the riff-raff
away. Don’t burn a good old door that is just trying to do its job. Why do you need to see the
wizard anyways?”
“Something dreadful has happened downstairs. All the knights and squires and pages have been
turned to stone,” Craig explained.
“Why, that’s wonderful!” the door said. “No more drunken parties keeping me awake. No more
clanking of ale mugs on wooden tables. And best of all, no more singing ‘the ballad of Farting
Fred’. Those noises they make are disgusting.”
“But what happens now when a dragon comes?” Craig pointed out. “With no knights, that means
a dragon can burn down the castle with its fire breath!”
“Fire! Great Heavens of Evans! You are right squire. Go to the wizard, quickly!” the door said,
opening with a loud squeak. Craig walked forward into the gloom gripping the torch tightly.
“Hello?” he called out into the gloom.
“Who is that?” a deep, booming voice called out. “Door, who have you let inside?”
“’Tis I, squire Craig, great wizard,” Craig called out. “Something terrible has happened in the
castle. The knights have all been stricken – petrified into stone. They are completely frozen, sir
wizard.”
“Great vase of Vigneau!” the wizard exclaimed. “Why this means there is nothing to stop us
from looting the castle!”
“What?” asked Craig, aghast.
“Just kidding,” the wizard said. “I must examine the stone knights immediately. I will bring the
oriental staff of Jyen Chow and the alchemist’s orb of Harmany.”
The wizard stepped out of the gloom towards the door where Craig waited. What he saw
surprised him.
“Hey, sir wizard! You’re a woman!” Craig exclaimed.
“Indeed I am, squire,” said the wizard in a much more feminine voice. Instead of a grey cloaked,
bearded sage that Craig had expected there now stood in front of him a pink-robed woman with
flowing white hair.
“I am Whitney the Wizard,” the wizard said. “Let me just find my purse and we can go.”
Finally the wizard and the squire descended form the spire of Stynes and went into the Hall of
Dorson. The wizard examined Lord Patrick, then Sir Brett, then Sir Andrew.
“Hmm, I suspect this is the work of a cockatrice,” the wizard said.
“What is a cockatrice, great wizard?” Craig asked.
“Why a cockatrice is a very special kind of dragon. With the powers of the hydra-headed
medusa, one glance can turn a warrior to stone,” the wizard explained.
“Great posy of Rosie! No, not a dragon!” Craig exclaimed. “I am so very afraid of dragons!”
“This dragon is a small one. You could easily lop its head off with your sword, should you be
able to get close to it,” the wizard said.
“I must slay this cockatrice?” Craig said, afraid.
“Oh no my dear man-boy, no. You would be instantly turned into a statue. No, to kill a
cockatrice you would need someone who could turn invisible and stay protected from the
creature’s gaze. You would need a gnome.
“A nome? What is a nome?” Craig asked.
“G-nome, g-nome. They insist on spelling it like that, confusing, miserable creatures. I never did
find out why. No matter. A gnome, my dear man-boy is a tiny creature, not too brave, not too
bright, with a tiny beard and the most adorable pointed cap. Gnomes live in tiny holes and turn
invisible when nervous. It is almost impossible to see a gnome, let alone capture one.
Unfortunately for us, the easiest way to kill a cockatrice is with a gnome,” the wizard explained.
“And how to we find a gnome?” Craig asked.
“We’ll check Marnie Munro’s Monster Manual volume 2: Fire Drake through McFarlane Beast.
It will be in there,” the wizard said. “Come man-boy. To the library.”
Craig and the wizard trekked back upstairs and quickly found the compendium. The wizard
began to read aloud. “… Gnomes can be attracted in the wild by Amber gemstones. Left in a
clearing in the woods, a gemstone will most certainly attract a Bodnar of gnomes.”
“A Bodnar of Gnomes? How many is in a Bodnar?” Craig asked.
“You know my dear man-boy, I’m not quite sure. I know a Muskovic of falcon-bats is four, and
a Donnici of poodle-rhinos is seven, but I haven’t the faintest idea how many a Bodnar of
gnomes is,” the wizard said.
“But where will we get Amber?” Craig asked.
“Why from the treasury of course. Come, follow me, let’s go see Old Joe the treasurer,” the
wizard said.
They walked through the castle. Just as they were about to round the corner, suddenly they heard
the sound of wind blowing. Whitney the wizard quickly waved the oriental staff of Jyen Chow,
pronounced the words “Blindness of Brian” and a bright white light blinded Craig.
“Cover your face, the cockatrice is in the treasury!” the wizard yelled. “Do not look at it or you
are doomed. The dragon must have been attracted by the horde of gold. We should withdraw.”
The two felt their way back down the hall and around the corner. Gradually Craig’s sight
returned to him.
“What do we do now?” he asked.
“We can still get some Amber from Lord Patrick’s chambers. I’m sure he or Lady Elizabeth will
have a ring or a broach somewhere,” the wizard replied.
The two approached the lord’s chamber, but immediately they were stopped by a shout.
“Halt! Come no closer by order of Lord Patrick’s guard,” the voice said.
“Sir Ronald, I really do not have time for this. There is a cockatrice loose in the treasury and we
need something from his Lordship’s chamber,” the wizard said.
“Come no closer! If you move against me I will be forced to defend myself!” Sir Ronald yelled
out.
“Sir Ronald, really, if I intended to move against you I could turn you into a rabbit in just a
moment’s thought. You would become a child’s play toy until the child’s family became hungry
and decided to add you to the stew. Now really, Sir Ronald, let us pass,” the wizard warned.
“Aye wizard, pass. But I must accompany you, for protecting this keep is on my honour,” Sir
Ronald said.
“Indeed Sir knight. Let us through then. Show us where his lordship keeps stones of Amber –
one is needed in our quest,” the wizard said.
“I know just the stone. It sits in the Ring of Kathy, an heirloom stored in the royal jewellery case.
I shall fetch it for you,” Sir Ronald said. “What shall you use it for?”
“To attract gnomes, of course,” said Craig.
“Teabags of Tsai! Ha ha, what a jester squire Craig is. I shall tell this bold quip to Sir Scearce
when he returns from the holy land,” Sir Ronald said.
“Squire Craig speaks the truth. Come with us, Sir knight, and see with your own eyes,” the
wizard said.
Clutching the Ring of Kathy the three adventures journeyed out into the forest. After a short time
they reached a suitable clearing. Attaching the ring to a string, they laid the ring in the middle of
the clearing. Sir Ronald and squire Craig hid in the bushes while Whitney the wizard hid up a
tree. They waited quietly.
Presently three tiny creatures came into the clearing. Each had a tiny scruffy beard and a pointed
hat. One had a red hat, one had a blue hat and one had a yellow hat. They ran forward towards
the ring. It was a Bodnar of gnomes.
Squire Craig quickly tugged on the string and the ring hopped away from the gnomes toward the
bushes. They followed and he tugged the string again. The gnomes followed again.
“Blindness of Brian!” shouted the wizard. The gnomes stopped where they were standing and
began to wave their arms about.
“Bonds of Bonnie!” shouted the wizard, and magical glowing chains appeared around the hands
and feet of the gnomes.
The gnomes suddenly disappeared.
“Light of Lee!” the wizard shouted, and a bright globe appeared above the clearing. Craig and
Sir Ronald could easily see the shadows of the gnomes slowly walking across the clearing.
Jumping up, they seized the gnomes and held the tiny creatures easily in their arms.
“Hey, hey, hey!” shouted one of the gnomes. “Not fair! Let us go!”
“Good gnomes, do not struggle, we mean you no harm. In fact we offer you the chance to win a
reward of many pieces of Amber from our lord,” Craig said.
“Did you say, ‘many pieces of Amber?’” the gnome asked.
“Verily!” Craig replied.
“I am Gnaomi,” said the gnome in the red hat, “and these are my brothers Gneil and Gnash.”
“Greetings. I am Sir Ronald, and this is squire Craig. Up in the tree is our wizard, Whitney. We
need your help,” Sir Ronald said.
“Tell us about this Amber,” said Gnash, the gnome in the yellow hat.
“We have many stones, large and small in our treasury. But right now the treasury is being
guarded by a cockatrice. Many are petrified. Only you three, with your invisibility, can overcome
the dragon’s stare,” Whitney said, floating to the ground.
“We are so tiny, we would not be able to hurt a dragon,” pointed out Gneil. “I cannot even lift a
blade.”
“We will have the blacksmith make you special weapons then. Come, to the blacksmith
everyone!” said Sir Ronald, and the six creatures hurried into town.
As they walked, Craig asked a question of the gnomes.
“Why is it spelled ‘gnomes’ with a g?” he asked.
“Oh, that is easy. We wanted to be listed before “Goblin” in Marnie Munro’s Monster Manual
volume 2: Fire Drake through McFarlane Beast. Stupid fart-face goblins!” Gnaomi explained.
“Oh,” Craig said.
In town they quickly found the blacksmith. The blacksmith was a short, fat dwarf with a fuzzy
beard named Cathy Figolstone.
“Sir, we need three good sharp blades for these gnomes. They need to be strong enough to pierce
the skin of a dragon,” Sir Ronald said to the dwarf.
“Sir! Sir! What do you think I am, a man! I’m a dwarfish LADY, Sir, and I expect to be referred
to that way! Really!” the dwarf retorted.
“Dwarfish women have beards?” Craig asked Gneil.
“I guess so…” Gneil replied, slightly amused.
“How do you tell them apart then?” Gnash asked.
“Pleasanter temperament,” answered the wizard.
“You sacks of Kassam Kurds, you Yang Wangs, you Wong Dongs! Never ever mistake a lady
for a man. I ought to flatten your face with my hammer and…” the dwarf continued.
“Madame,” the wizard interrupted. “Sir Ronald is most sorry.”
“I’m mortified, truly humiliated,” Sir Ronald apologized. “Please allow me to offer you my
services. In any way, let me help you.”
“Maybe later handsome,” the dwarf said, winked, and then grinned. “Now lads, if ye need me to
make weapons. I assume that means you have gold!”
“Indeed, once the treasury is freed you can ask for a generous price from his Lordship. Gold or
gems,” the wizard said.
“GEMS! You have gemstones! All right, I’ll do them for you on spec. But don’t cheat me
wizard. The last guy who cheated me…” the dwarf paused.
“What happened?” Craig asked curiously. “What did you do to him?”
“Why, I married him!” exclaimed the dwarf.
Sir Ronald, Craig, Gnash and Gneil all winced.
The dwarf got to work. As she hammered the metal she had Craig pump the bellows. The dwarf
was curious though and asked a question.
“What sort of dragon gets killed by these pocket knifes of mine?” she asked.
“A cockatrice,” the wizard answered.
“Ach, those wee dragons? No, these won’t be enough to get through their diamond hide in time.
These gnomes will not be able to take the hits when they start coming. What you need is a
warrior with a big hammer or cleaver. One good hit and the beast will go down,” the dwarf said.
“What about Sir Ronald or squire Craig?” asked Gnaomi.
“No, they would need to be blind to fight the cockatrice. They would not be able to see at all,”
the wizard said.
“But we could see for them! We could help them!” Gneil pointed out.
“I could help too I suppose. If you don’t get rid of the dragon I can’t imagine that I’ll get a
gemstone. And a woman has got to get paid for her work,” the dwarf said.
“We have a wizard, three warriors and three gnomes then. That should be enough,” Sir Ronald
said.
“To Castle Claridge!” the wizard exclaimed, and the party headed off.
Inside the castle the three warriors suited up. Sir Ronald dressed in armour with grieves, a helm
and a long sword. Kathy Figolstone had her own armour, which they could see had a larger than
normal breastplate. She carried a heavy flat hammer. Craig went into the armoury and stole Sir
Christoff’s armour, decorated with a crest that looked like giant cookie, and selected a battle-axe
with a shiny shield. The warriors were ready.
The three gnomes disappeared and went inside the treasury. They quickly returned.
“Yep, the cockatrice is in there. She’s ripped open all the coin purses and is lying in the corner of
the room on a bed of gold coins. She doesn’t look so scary,” Gnash said.
“How do you know it’s a she?” Craig whispered.
“Pleasanter temperament,” Kathy Figolstone said aloud.
“Alright, follow my lead,” said Sir Ronald. “Wizard, blind us. Squire, hang back and cover my
flank. Dwarf, you go right – we’ll corner the beast and bring it down.”
“It’s hammer time,” said the dwarf, grinning.
“Blindness of Brian!” the wizard shouted.
“Attack!” Sir Ronald said, taking two steps then tripping. The other two tripped over Sir Ronald
and also fell.
“Mother of Farting Mary French!” the dwarf swore.
They got back up and moved off in three different directions. The gnomes began calling to the
heroes, trying to draw them towards the cockatrice, which was now sitting up watching them
curiously.
“Ho, heroes. Why are you not stone?” the cockatrice asked.
“Our wizard has prepared us for you. Prepare to die!” Sir Ronald said, looking the wrong way.
“It’s hammer time,” said the dwarf again.
The cockatrice beat her wings and flew over top of the heroes as they advanced, landing in the
opposite corner.
“She’s behind you now!” screamed Gnaomi. Kathy Figolstone whirled and swung her hammer
wildly, catching Craig in the breastplate and launching him across the room.
“Stop, stop, you got the wrong guy! You hit the squire!” Gnash yelled.
“Hell’s Holy Haighs! Point me in the right direction then!” the dwarf yelled out.
“Here! Here!” shouted Gnash, dashing towards the cockatrice. The dwarf whirled and swung her
hammer in a big arc. The cockatrice flew up and dodged over the hammer’s head, leaving Gnash
in its way.
“Uh oh!” said Gneil, as the hammer launched Gnash across the room with a squeak.
“You missed and got a gnome, I think,” Sir Ronald said.
“Droplets of Dawson’s Dew!” the dwarf swore. “Why won’t that cursed beast stand still?”
“Dragons are intelligent creatures you fools!” Whitney yelled from around the corner.
“Terrible thundering typhoons of Torres! What? This beast is going to kill us then!” the dwarf
yelled out in alarm.
“Calm yourself dwarf, this cockatrice is not too large. We just need to knock it down and get our
weapons on it. Gnomes, direct my blade!” Sir Ronald said.
“Up, up, down, right, left, right, up, swing, swing, swing!”
“Down, down, up, left, right, left, down, swing, swing, swing!”
Sir Ronald and Kathy Figolstone swung at the air with futility. The cockatrice laughed at them.
“Fools! You will never leave this room!”
The cockatrice swooped down and knocked the dwarf on her back, then began to bite the dwarf’s
face.
“McCormick’s mccrappy mccreamsicles! Ach, it’s eating my beard! Get it off! Get it off!” the
dwarf yelled out.
“WAIT!” the two gnomes shouted as Sir Ronald raised his sword to swing.
“Oh right, I’ll hit the dwarf!” Sir Ronald checked himself.
“Dwarf, grab hold of the beast, don’t let go!” the wizard yelled from around the corner.
“Tyler’s tasty turtles! Rarrr!” the dwarf grunted as she grabbed a hold of the dragon.
“Craig, are you there?” Sir Ronald asked.
“Here sire. I’ve found my shield but my axe is lost somewhere,” Craig replied.
“Bring the shield! Follow the sound of the dwarf’s curses!” Sir Ronald commanded.
“Ninety-nine nattering Natashas!” the Dwarf swore.
“Bash downwards with your shield. Hit the beast!” Sir Ronald yelled.
The cockatrice began to claw the dwarf, trying to escape, as Craig smashed the shield
downwards. After a few hits he was finally able to get a good feel for where the cockatrice was.
“Sir Ronald, your sword, now!” squire Craig said.
Holding it out hilt first the knight offered it to the squire. The squire wrapped his hand around
the cockatrice’s neck, and then swung the sword.
“Ah, you cursed human, you cut off my tail!” the cockatrice shouted.
“Oh, sorry,” Craig said, then swung again and killed the dragon.
“Virtusio’s vixen visage! Gah! I’m covered in blood!” the dwarf sputtered out.
“Yay, it’s dead, it’s dead!” the gnomes cheered.
“Cover it with the shield now, quickly,” the wizard commanded.
The gnomes ran over and took the shield from Craig and covered over the cockatrice. Going
back around the corner, they bade the wizard advance.
“Eyes of Erin!” the wizard spoke, and suddenly the three warriors could see again. Around them
the treasury was trashed, with shelves smashed and gold coins littering the floor. The dwarf lay
on the ground in a pool of green blood, half her beard missing. Gnash was getting up, looking
sore and in a lot of pain. A few inches of dragon’s tail was visible from underneath the edge of
the shield.
Suddenly a sound came from the end of the hall.
“SQUIRE! More wine! Hurry it up, hurry it up!”
The wizard, the dwarf and the two warriors walked out of the treasury past Old Joe, who looked
at them with surprise and then ran inside and let out a horrible shriek. The four kept walking
until they were in the Hall of Dorson. The room went quiet as they entered. Lord Patrick rose to
his feet.
“What is the meaning of this? Sir Ronald? Squire Craig? Dwarf dripping in green pudding?
Wizard? Explain yourselves!” Lord Patrick demanded.
“Sire, a very terrible evil nearly befell you. A cockatrice, small but deadly member of the dragon
family, entered the castle and left you all frozen, petrified in stone. Only squire Craig was spared,
and he had the foresight to recruit Sir Ronald and myself here and together we defeated the beast
in the treasury room. Madame dwarf here as well was indispensible,” the wizard explained.
“A cockatrice? Here in Castle Claridge?” Lord Patrick said disbelieving.
“Sire, the squire is wearing my armour!” complained Sir Christoff. “He’s stained it green with…
pudding… sire, so that you can hardly see the cookie.”
“That’s no pudding laddie!” the dwarf said. “Look at me! Why would a dwarf smear herself in
pudding?”
“Send for Old Joe, have him bring the beast! If there was a fight in the treasury he’ll know best,”
suggested Sir Doherty of the order of the green lanterns, eldest of the knights.
“Bring me Old Joe!” Lord Patrick boomed, and soon the purser was in front of him.
“Is it true? Was there a dragon in the treasury?” Lord Patrick asked.
“Aye Sire. I’ve brought what’s left of it here. There’s a frightful mess – coins everywhere, blood
and goo, broken shelves, ripped open bags – there certainly was a war in there sire,” Old Joe
confirmed.
“And the treasure – is it all there?” Lord Patrick asked.
“Just some Amber is missing. I’ve looked everywhere and I don’t know where it’s gone,” Old
Joe said.
“Oh no! The gnomes…,” the wizard said with alarm.
“Gnomes? Wizard, you didn’t invite a Bodnar of gnomes into the castle did you? We’ll never get
them out now!” exclaimed Sir Doherty, tugging on his beard.
“Speaking of treasure, it is time for my own share. One dead dragon for one ruby!” the dwarf
spoke up.
“One ruby!” exclaimed Lord Patrick.
“I also cost one half of a girl’s beard!” argued the dwarf, showing off.
“Wait, you’re a woman?” Sir Taylor said aloud.
“That’s it!” The dwarf yelled, running over and taking the body of the cockatrice from Old Joe.
Throwing it on the banquet table and jumping up after it, she swung her hammer up high.
“It’s hammer time!”
Green porridgy blood spurted all over the knights.
“Ah, it is blood after all,” exclaimed Sir Christoff.
“I’m a woman! I’m a woman!” Kathy Figolstone yelled.
“That’s a woman?” Sir Taylor asked Sir Ronald.
“Certainly,” he replied.
“But… the beard…” Sir Taylor reasoned.
“It’s the pleasanter temperament you have to look for,” Sir Ronald explained.
“Jumbo Jump-rope Jackson Joggers!” the dwarf swore.
“That’s enough, Madame dwarf!” Sir Patrick said, maintaining his composure. “This is a dining
hall. Manners, please. Pages, clean up this mess, immediately.”
The pages jumped and quickly napkins, serviettes, washcloths, brushes, brooms, sponges and
other cleaning tools were put into action. Meanwhile, Lord Patrick approached Sir Ronald.
“Sir Ronald, did you slay this beast?” he asked.
“No Sire, it was my sword but I did not swing it,” Sir Ronald answered.
“Madame Dwarf, did you slay this beast then?” he asked.
“No milord, though I grappled with the beast, it was not I who delivered the death stroke,” the
dwarf replied.
“Wizard, it must have been you then. Your magic is powerful,” he asked.
“No Sire, I did not even approach the beast,” the wizard replied.
“Then…” Lord Patrick looked around, finally settling his gaze on squire Craig. He saw the blade
in the man-boy’s hand, dyed green, and the new look in his eye – the look of a squire who has
killed his first dragon.
“Squire Craig, approach your Lord. Kneel,” Lord Patrick commanded.
Squire Craig kneeled before his lord and bowed his head.
“I knight thee, in the name of House Harvey, Sir Craig the Cockatrice. Arise Sir knight!” Lord
Patrick said solemnly.
Sir Craig rose and smiled broadly. A chair was brought and he was invited to sit at the table with
the other knights. The knights all sang the ballad of Farting Fred. Then Kathy Figolstone kissed
the brave knight on the check, and her beard tickled him.
Craig the Cockatrice threw up in his helmet.
The End