The New York Times
August 22, 2004 Sunday
Late Edition - Final
SECTION: Section 9; Column 1; Style Desk; Pg. 6
LENGTH: 1763 words
HEADLINE: When the Computer Opens the Closet
BYLINE: By JANE GROSS; Alex Kuczynski contributed reporting for this article.
BODY:
JENNIFER's infant son was tucked in for the night and her husband was at work when
she logged onto her home computer in Port Huron, Mich., looking for the forgotten name
of a travel Web site she had used earlier in the day.
A few simple keystrokes, nothing geeky, took her to the history box on the Internet
browser, a listing of recently visited Web sites. What she found there -- 30 gay
pornography sites and chat rooms -- astounded her. But it also solved a mystery: why
marriage to her childhood sweetheart had been so unsatisfying.
Jennifer, now 29, had never suspected that her husband was gay. But suddenly that
seemed an inescapable conclusion. She remembers a dizzying rush of emotion and then
feeling numb. In the darkened room, lighted only by the computer screen, she got down
to business, opening each and every Web site and taking copious notes for the
confrontation that would follow.
The sheer volume of what she had found was convincing, although circumstantial. ''There
was no concrete evidence he had cheated; he could have been curious or whatever,''
Jennifer said. But when they talked later, her husband confessed to having a series of
one-night stands with men from the time he was 16, she said.
Jennifer doubts he would have come clean on his own, at least not so quickly. ''Had it not
been for what I found on the computer, I might still be in my unhappy marriage,'' she
said. (Her husband confirmed her account but asked that their last names not be used to
protect his identity.)
Once women like Jennifer might have spent decades in the limbo of ignorance or denial,
while their husbands explored their sexual orientation and lived furtive double lives. But
in the age of the Internet, the blinders can be yanked off with the flick of a finger. Mental
health professionals and matrimonial lawyers say that many marriages, involving both
heterosexuals and homosexuals, are collapsing under the weight of documentary
evidence left behind on computers, just as computer records are increasingly tripping up
business leaders, employees and others who forget that these are communications not
easily denied.
A condom found in a gym bag can be explained away relatively easily: the guy in the
next locker must have dropped it. But an e-mail discussing condom use for the purposes
of safe sex is far more difficult to justify. That means, counselors and lawyers say, that
for the growing numbers of spouses conducting clandestine lives online, the risk of
disclosure is higher than ever before.
''The age of privacy is over and with it the ability to sustain denial,'' said Dr. Sheenah
Hankin, a psychotherapist in New York City. ''Anyone can search the Internet and
discover a lot about their spouse.''
Denial has historically been easier to sustain in marriages involving a closeted gay
spouse, marriage counselors and therapists say, because of the ambiguities of sexual
orientation. More often than not, these experts say, the gay partner has an inkling before
marriage but is determined to make a go of what he or she believes society considers a
''normal'' life.
And more often than not, these experts explain, man and wife truly love each other,
enough that a fraction of these marriages never break up because the spouses redesign the
relationship and live as if friends or siblings.
Ten days ago, Gov. James E. McGreevey of New Jersey and Dina Matos McGreevey,
stood before a national television audience as he revealed that he is gay. It remains
unclear how long Mrs. McGreevey has known that her husband of four years is gay,
although a report in The Star-Ledger of Newark this week quoted a friend of hers, Lori
Kennedy, as saying that she learned only three days before his speech.
Mrs. McGreevey's indecipherable half smile touched a nerve among others who have had
similar experiences.
Many of them have flocked to the Web site of the Straight Spouse Network,
www.ssnetwk.org, a support group for people whose spouses turn out to be gay or
lesbian.
The Web site has been a very popular place since Mr. McGreevey's disclosure. On a
normal day, according to Amity Pierce Buxton, the network's 75-year-old founder, about
300 people visit the site, which has a public forum and several subscriber-only chat
rooms. In the five days after the McGreevey press conference, the daily traffic reached
1,187.
Dr. Buxton, who was married for 25 years to a gay man, began organizing face-to-face
support groups for straight spouses in the late 1980's. There are now 65 around the
country, and five overseas in addition to the online forums and chat rooms. Dr. Buxton,
who has a doctorate in education, wrote the self-help bible on the subject, ''The Other
Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families'' (John
Wiley & Sons, 1991).
That book, revised in 1994, tells the stories of 18 couples. In none of these marriages, Dr.
Buxton said, nor in her own, was a computer a tool of discovery. Similarly, none of the
gay men or lesbians in the marriages she studied had explored their sexuality on the Web,
which was then in its infancy, or used it as a way to meet others for homosexual
encounters.
''Men back in our day didn't do it that way,'' Dr. Buxton said. ''They went to bars and
bathhouses and could always make excuses about where they were.''
Now documentary evidence is readily available, particularly in marriages where the wife
is straight and the husband gay. The gender divide is apparent to counselors who have
treated such couples; to support group leaders; and in the postings on the straight spouse
network. According to these accounts, typically it is gay men who spend hours on the
computer and are interested in online pornography. It is rarely lesbians.
Married women who acknowledge that they are lesbians generally tell their husbands,
often with painful abruptness but without subterfuge, then quickly exit the marriage,
according to Dr. Buxton's research, which has put her in touch with 1,000 men and
women. Married men who acknowledge that they are gay, Dr. Buxton's research shows,
often hunker down in the marriage, lying to keep it together and only admitting what's
going on if confronted.
The digital clues run the gamut. Take Carolyn of Chevy Chase, Md., who divorced her
husband in May, after a 33-year marriage. (Her full name is not used because her
husband is in Bolivia and could not be reached.) Carolyn, 56, said she was outside
smoking a cigarette when, through a window, she saw her husband viewing gay
pornography online. He told her it was a pop-up ad. But her ''ah ha'' moment came when
she found a print-out of an e-mail arranging a meeting with a man, obvious even to the
technologically challenged.
Mary, a harpist in New Jersey, noticed her husband rising earlier than usual to use the
computer while the rest of the household slept. One insomniac dawn she wandered into
the kitchen at 5 and heard the sounds of arriving instant messages from the adjacent
family room. Her husband told her he was in a sports chat room and had made a comment
that struck a nerve.
But when the same thing happened again, she registered his guilty demeanor. She
realized how often he all but body-blocked her when she approached his computer. One
morning, she discovered on his screen an e-mail from another married gay man,
arranging a first meeting. Before she heard his tread on the stair, she had read two more
messages, from different men setting up dates.
The next time her husband claimed to be in the sports chat room, Mary countered with
''here's what I know and here's how I know it.'' He haltingly acknowledged the obvious,
but he still has not told many relatives and friends. (Thus her request, in deference to his
privacy, that her last name not be used.) Mary chose the occasion of Mr. McGreevey's
confession to tell her teenage children that their father is gay. It turned out that they
already knew, she says.
Sometimes, it is teenage children who make the discovery. Carol Silverman, of Scarsdale,
N.Y., said that when her 27-year marriage collapsed six years ago, it was her daughter,
then 14, who found the key document: a personal profile, in rich anatomical detail, that
her father had posted on a gay dating site. (Ms. Silverman uses her maiden name and said
she does not know her husband's whereabouts.)
Father and daughter shared a computer in their home. The girl had already seen many of
his postings, among them the ad ''Married gay man looking for Asian partner'' -- that
included telltale physical details.
Some women unfamiliar with computers seek instruction so they can snoop. Typical is a
recent posting on the Web site of the Straight Spouse Network. ''How do you find porn,
information etc. on your computer?'' asked a woman whose screen name is Pam.
A detailed answer came quickly from ''David,'' who said he was a straight man married to
a lesbian. He directed her to hit ''Ctrl-H'' on a Microsoft Explorer browser for a pop-up
window of Web sites previously visited. ''Some stuff will be obviously benign,'' David
wrote. But he added, ''If there's any www.gaynakedguys.com or www.hotstuddating.com
kind of stuff, well it's pretty clear.''
David expressed concern that Pam might be better off not opening what she found. Still,
he told her that certain sites would ''remember'' her husband's user name and password
and display them. She could also find clues on a cellphone, in the histories of calls made,
received or missed.
''Kathy'' posted a question about software that will override the deletion of history from a
browser. ''Trini'' suggested Kidsafe by Webroot. ''I find it incredibly incriminating that
the Web history is erased,'' ''JJ'' wrote. With these early postings, Pam, David, Trini,
Kathy and JJ are using the Internet to find a like-minded community, as their mates had
done. The irony does not escape those who have found solace or suggestions online.
Jennifer said that she found a set of new friends there, people who would understand why
it took her two years, and one failed attempt at reconciliation, to end her marriage. A year
ago, Jennifer filed for divorce. Counseling from her pastor was helpful. But she needed
more support. A Google search led her to the Straight Spouse Network. The men and
women she met there ''saved my sanity,'' Jennifer said.
Technology brought her full circle. After a lengthy telephone interview with this reporter,
Jennifer sent an e-mail postscript, summarizing the best and the worst of the Internet and
casting a clear ballot.
''This computer has been my lifeline,'' she wrote. ''Yay for computers!''