Love
Before discussing love, I need to briefly define the kingdom of God, because any love worthy of
the name has the kingdom of God in mind. The kingdom of God is the loving rule of God and
the joyful destiny of humanity. Therefore, love for love’s sake is mere sentimentality unless it
presses on toward the hope of the beloved’s participation in the kingdom of God. The kingdom
of God is not a place that you can see or touch. It is an invisible reality that connects God and all
of God's people through our trust in Him and His love through us for each other. Jesus said,
“The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say,
‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst." (Lk 17:20-21) When
we accept God's love by faith and let his love flow through us, the kingdom of God is present in
our actions. The church does not bring in or control the kingdom of God. We cannot help the
kingdom. We are not "kingdom builders". The kingdom of God simply is. The kingdom of
God is a reality that exists through God's activity of love. The only thing we can do in relation to
the kingdom of God is to respond to it by faith and love. When we do this, we are a part of it.
And when we love as an expression of God's love in us, we too are an extension of the kingdom
of God. This is why Jesus could say, "Truly I tell you, anyone who gives you a cup of water in
my name because you belong to the Messiah will certainly not lose their reward." Even the
smallest gesture of love is a manifestation of the kingdom in and through us. We cannot manage
the kingdom, but we can be a part of it and be an agent of the power of the kingdom. When we
resist trusting in God, when we use power and try to manage our lives and the lives of others we
are resistant to the kingdom of God. In the kingdom of God all is freely given and freely
received. Any form of control cannot be a part of the kingdom. This is why Jesus was destined
to die. He would not use power and control, but the world certainly would. Nothing merely
natural or of human making can be a part of the kingdom. So, the Apostle Paul says, "...flesh
and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable."
The kingdom of God is both now and not yet. It exists now in hidden form through acts of love
that does not make it to the news headlines, but works quietly behind the scenes where love
exists. Whenever we turn the other cheek, listen intently to a child, hold the hand of a elderly
person, when we give money to the poor, when we listen non-judgingly to a fallen friend, when
we sit in silence accepting God's love, when we put another person in front of us and take no
note of it, when we gratefully inhale the beauty of a flower or the song of a bird we are
manifesting and participating in the kingdom of God. Jesus said, “What shall we say the
kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed,
which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of
all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.” (Mk 4:30-32).
The kingdom of God seems small and insignificant now, because it is not as big and flashy as
the power, “success” and glamour the world strives for. There is more substance and raw power
in a loving gaze and listening ear as we hold a young child in our lap than there is in sending a
rocket to Mars. While the kingdom is hidden and seemingly insignificant through our humble
acts of love, it will one day become the shelter of all who have wearied themselves looking for
love and comfort in every empty substitute. The Kingdom of God is where love is freely given
and freely received.
What is love?
The Biblical concept of Love is difficult to nail down. The reason for this is because it is
different from laws. Laws are clear cut and static: do not steal, do not covet, do not lie, do not
bear false witness, etc. Love transcends laws by moving from clear-cut commands to a fluid
application of love depending upon the concrete situation we face each moment. In one instance
it is soft as a gentle feather, in another moment it is hard as nails. In one instance it is silent, in
another it speaks softly, or perhaps screams. Each moment and situation will paint its new and
unique landscape. In one situation, Jesus’ love ran the moneychangers out of the temple with a
leather cord. In another moment, His love tenderly received kisses from a prostitute and
pronounced her forgiveness. This is part of the newness of what Jesus brought in the New
Testament, the new covenant. The newness is this: Laws do not apply!!!, Love does!!! Jesus
does not do away with laws, but he transcends them, fulfills their intent by making the truth of
the laws fluid and applicable in each situation. The way of the kingdom will not be legislated by
rules, but is driven as freely and unpredictable as the wind, the Spirit, and the always-new
application of love. So when we ask “how do we love?”, the answer is “it depends”.
Love is the self-sacrificial desiring and working for the well-being of others. Of course, this
well-being is related to our participation in the kingdom of God. We love others when we
encourage them in this. How do we do this? We do so by embodying faith and love in our
relationships. We don't love others by telling others what to do (unless they invite this), but by
living the life in front of them. As best as I can tell, love has at least the following 4
characteristics: Submission, empathy, truthfulness and indomitable.
Submission
Submission is often understood as passivity. It is often understood in this way, because it is
viewed from the context of self-protection, and protecting our rights and well-being or what we
have referred to as egocentricity. But submission has nothing to do with passivity. Submission
is the choice to not override another person, but rather, to respect their own free will to choose
their way of life. Furthermore, submission not only does not override others, but also defers to
others except when doing so is to abandon God’s will. The only time love interferes with the
choices of others is to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Jesus again is our model for
submission. The only times he pushes against the will of others is when he sees that people who
have responsibility to care for others are abusing their position and/or are taking advantage of
those who cannot protect themselves. This is why Jesus turns over the money changers tables in
the temple. The leadership of Israel was supposed to make a way for people to connect with
God, to know his love, forgiveness and to be taught by Him. What Jesus experiences at the
Temple is a place of worship that had been turned into a market place to make money off the
poor, marginalized and everyone else for that matter. When Jesus does get tough, let us make
this perfectly clear, He never does so because He is protecting himself, his rights or standing up
for himself or for God. God does not need defending. If there is one thing we are urged not to
do is to stand up for ourselves (ie. Luke 21:14, Matt. 5:38-48). Nothing can be more nonChristian this. A person who stands in a right relationship does not need to assert himself or
herself, because all things belong them already (I Cor. 3:21-23), and because the kingdom of
God is not characterized by power and aggression, but disinterested love (Matthew 21:50-56).
Back to our definition of submission. Submission means we do not resist others, nor do we
impose ourselves onto others. Rather, we accept them as they are and turn them over to God. If
we do have a relationship with them that involves some type of responsibility (family, coworker, close friend, etc.), then we are obligated to invite them to truthfulness and love, but if
they refuse, we must let go of them and turn them over to God. This attitude is demonstrated in a
passionate way by the Apostle Paul after trying his best to reach his kindred Jews with the truth
of the gospel and being rejected. He says, "Your blood be on your own heads.... from now on I
go to the Gentiles" (Acts 18:6). Likewise, even God demonstrates this attitude of submission in
relation to humans. If anyone had the right to push people around, God does. And yet, he will
not transgress the will of humans. He invites us to follow the way of truth and love, but in the
end, He lets us choose our own destiny. "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of
their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They
exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the
Creator—who is forever praised." (Romans 1:24, 25 NIV).
God neither throws us into hell nor drags us into heaven. He determines the options of human
destiny and the consequences of living an egocentric life. But He leaves the choice of our
destiny up to us. He comes to us through the word of God, the prophets, and finally Jesus to
warn us of our self-destructive paths and invites us to place our trust in Him. He came and
pleaded with us and gave himself for us on the Cross, but in the end he turns over the choice to
us. We are free to make our choices, but we are not free to choose the consequences of our
choices. Yes, in the end God will be the judge and decide. But His judging will be based on
what we have done with the gift of our free will. God will not force heaven down our throats. If
we insist on making ourselves the center of the universe, he will indeed grant our wish in hell
where you get everything you want except for truth and substance. Just as God does not impose
Himself upon us, nor should we try to control others or impose ourselves on others, and yet,
others are not allowed to have full access to us on their own terms. There is a consequence to
their choice. We will discuss this later in the section entitled "reciprocal distance".
Submission involves two biblical concepts used to describe love. In the famous "love chapter"
of I Corinthians 13, the Apostle Paul tells us many things that love is not. But when it comes to
telling us what love is, he uses 2 words: patience and kindness. This pair is also used elsewhere
in the New Testament to further describe love (ie. Galatians 5:22). In essence, patience is the
passive part of love, kindness is the active part. Neither patience nor kindness seeks to change
another person or override their will, and yet it creates an environment of acceptance that is
bound to have a positive impact on others.
I Corinthians 13:1-13:
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a
resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can
fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and
surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is
patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not
rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there
are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled;
where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we
prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I
was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor
reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I
shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith,
hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1. Patience (makrothumei) – This Greek word means literally to have long and enduring passion.
Some translators use the word “longsuffering”. The idea is that no amount of suffering or
wrongdoing one may have to suffer, will lead us to retaliate or use power or control. Jesus says,
“Do not resist an evil person”. Love does not retaliate with bursts of anger or some other grudge
or plot, but suffers long and waits with acceptance, and finds its anchor in God’s love and
protection rather than trying to force its way by using power or defensiveness. Patience not only
does not retaliate or reject others, but neither does it defend itself either. Patience turns the other
cheek.
2. Kindness (chrēsteuetai)– While patience refuses to retaliate in any form whatsoever, kindness
goes a step further and actively does good to the one who one who wrongs you if the situation
presents itself. Kindness is a manifestation of the unconditional love of God through us to
others. In the same way God did not let our self-centeredness get in the way of His love toward
us, likewise, we are to extend God’s love to others as well, especially to the most unlovable.
Anyone can be kind to other kind people. But we truly imitate Divine love when we love those
who do not love us. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even
the tax collectors do the same? "If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than
others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? " Therefore you are to be perfect, as your
heavenly Father is perfect. (Mat 5:46-48)
I like the way the Romans 12:9-21 describes how love is both patient and kind:
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're
happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make
friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone.
If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you
to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." Our Scriptures tell us that if you see
your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity
will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing
good. (Msg).
When we become a Christian, the Holy Spirit awakens our own spirit and connects us with God
in a vital connection. The result of this connection is that we begin the journey of taking on
God’s very character. More than this, He actually takes up residence inside of our spirit and
shines through us. And, of course, the primary aspect of God’s character is love which we
slowly become. The Spirit imparts this love in what the Bible describes in two broad categories:
gifts of the Spirit and Fruit of the Spirit. The gifts are related to the abilities he has given us
which He uses as a way to draw others to Himself (such as preaching, teaching, serving,
administration, encouragement, etc). These gifts are enhanced and enlivened by the fruit of the
spirit, the greatest of which is love. A gift of the spirit that is not enlivened by love is worthless,
as the New Testament makes crystal clear,
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a
clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have
all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions
to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
(1Co 13:1-3).
Beyond the virtues of patience and kindness, there are many other colors of love. It has been
suggested by some biblical scholars that love is the kingpin of all virtues, and all other virtues are
taken up into this one concept, or that all the virtues together make up love. Several times in the
New Testament, the Biblical writers create catalogues of these fruit of the Spirit. Here are three
for example:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Gal 5:22-23).
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from
your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and
have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the
One who created him…. So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a
heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and
forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so
also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. (Col 3:81-, 12-14).
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are those who
mourn, for they shall be comforted. "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. "Blessed
are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see
God. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. "Blessed are those who
have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed
are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you
because of Me. "Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they
persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Mat 5:3-12)
Notice that the list is dominated by words that suggest yielding, permission, warmth, and yet not
spinelessness.
Specks and Pearls
The Sermon on the Mount, Matthew Chapters 5-7, is Jesus’ statement of what it is like to live a
life consistent with the Kingdom of God, which involves a reversal of mainstream values and the
natural bent of human nature. The Sermon on the Mount does not tell us how to enter into the
kingdom of God, but how to live once we’re in it. Matthew 4 tells how to enter it (faith and
repentance). Related to our concept of submission, Jesus gives us two metaphors in the Sermon
on the Mount that address the way we are to relate to each other:
"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and
by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck that is in
your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? "Or how can you say to
your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?
"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the
speck out of your brother's eye. "Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls
before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. "Ask,
and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. (Mat
7:1-7)
Here we have two metaphors that invite us to develop two fundamental attitudes toward others.
The first metaphor, the speck in the eye, exhorts the reader to focus on their own contribution to
the problems in their relationship rather than focus on the “speck” in the eye of the other person.
Only after we have done this, can we contribute positively to the relationship. So in essence the
principle here is this: Focus on changing me. The focus of our lives involves self-evaluation
and a self-surrender to the will of God in our lives, rather than paying attention to what others are
doing wrong.
The second metaphor, throwing your pearls before swine, invites the reader to let go of changing
others. We may think that what we do with our lives and what we know is the right way to live.
We see how others can benefit from our wisdom, from the mistakes we have made, and the ways
we have found to live life well. These are the pearls. We want others to receive our pearls. In
other words, we want to change them. We want them to see that our ideas of living is good and
we may even want to be validated by the fact that they not only acknowledge our way of living
and praise it, but that they too adopt our “wisdom”. But as we reflect on relationships which are
forced, we often see that they end in disaster. A relationship that is forced, is no relationship.
You must accept the other person as they are. If they want your pearls, they can ask for it.
Otherwise, we let them choose how they want to live their lives. So, in essence the principle
here is this: Let go of changing others.
When we combine these two principles we have complimentary statements: Focus on changing
myself, and let go of changing others.
Principles for discussion
Here are some timeless principles to live by which come from the Bible verses in this chapter, specifically
I Corinthians 13 and Matthew 7:1-7. Use the following principles and questions to meditate further on
how to apply the command to love.
1. Don’t try to change others. If they are open, invite them to see your point of view, but release them to
do with it as they wish. God knows how to take care of them. Release them to God’s hands. It is not our
job to get someone to change.
Discuss: How will you apply this in your closest relationships?
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2. Work diligently on changing no one, but yourself. (“Get the log out of your own eye”).
Discuss: How do you imagine making this shift to just work on yourself instead of focusing on what
others are doing wrong?
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3. Give people options, and let them choose for themselves.
4. If a person refuses the love and truth inside of you, leave them alone, don’t push them, and focus your
attention on those with open hearts. (“Don’t throw your pearls before swine”)
Discus: How do you image letting go of others changing the way they live especially those closest to
you?
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5. Don’t give in to others if it means giving up your values (“Love rejoices in the truth”). In other words,
don’t appease or give-in just to avoid conflict.
Discuss: What things you tend to give-in about, but causes resentment in your relationship? How do you
imagine refusing to conform to others values when pressured?
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6. Consider deferring to others on non-essentials unless they want you to choose or they want your
opinion.
Discuss: Are there things you can defer to your spouse (or other close relationship) which have been a
source of conflict in the past?
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7. Don’t run away from others just because you disagree. Persevere for the sake of love.
8. Don’t reject others, but let them reject you if they want.
9. Even though they may reject you, let them know you always leave open a door for them to return to
this relationship (unless there is abuse).
10. Let them kill you if they must, but don’t let them move you from your values. 
11. Be teachable and open to learn from others and admit wrong.
Discuss: In what ways can you open up to learn from your spouse or other close relationships about your
weaknesses?
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12. Be patient: Don’t let any amount of suffering or wrongdoing you may have to endure to cause you to
retaliate or use power or control. Walk away if you must, but don’t fire back.
Discuss: We all lose our patience sometimes. How will you plan to not use any form of retaliation,
especially negative language, use of control or argumentation when conflict arises?
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13. Be kind: Be kind to all, especially to your enemies. This is when your light shines the brightest.
14. Don’t defend yourself. If you are right, you don’t have to defend yourself. If you’re wrong, there is
no defense.
Discuss: Discuss how defensiveness manifests itself in you. Discuss the relationship between the
principles of “specks and pearls” and defensiveness.
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These principles raise the obvious question: “If I am to accept people as they are, and not try to
change them, how do I relate to them when they are disrespectful or hurtful toward me?”
The next two principles will answer this question: Empathy and Truth.
Empathy
Empathy is the key that opens doors to hearts and makes meaningful, healthy, intimate and satisfying
relationships possible. Empathy is a very simple concept, but often difficult to learn. It is difficult to
learn because it is the opposite of being egocentric, or focused on ourselves. As humans we are naturally
egocentric, even when we are not being intentionally selfish. But empathy requires us to forget ourselves
and look at life through the experience of the other person. Empathy comes from the compound Greek
word “empatheia.” “Em” means together or with. “Patheia” means passion; to feel or to suffer. Putting
the two together, empathy means to “feel with” or to “suffer with”. In order to feel with someone else
and to enter into their experience, we have to leave behind our self and our own agendas. The concept of
empathy is very similar to the idea behind the golden rule. By extending empathy to someone, we are
giving to others what we really want for ourselves. And what we want for ourselves is to be understood
and accepted as we are without being judged. In order to further define empathy, we will look at what
empathy is not:
Empathy is not…
First, empathy is not the effort to help others. This may sound strange to our ears. There is certainly a
place for helping others who cannot help themselves. But this is not what empathy is all about. Empathy
is about joining them, not helping them.
Empathy is not feeling sorry for someone. You may feel bad about what someone is going through.
This is sympathy, and is a great quality. But feeling sorry for someone is not empathy. Sympathy is
feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is feeling with someone.
Empathy is not trying to fix their problem. It may be a nice gesture to try to help someone to solve
their problem. But if they have not asked you to help them solve it, you are imposing yourself and your
agenda. And even if you do help them fix their problem, it is not the same as empathy. When someone
tells you about a problem they are having, the most natural thing for us to do is to help them fix it. But
we must resist this. It is their responsibility to live their lives not ours. And if we fix their problem, we
are taking away their self-respect and independence, and are encouraging them to be dependent on other
people. Certainly there is a place for helping people with things they cannot do, or giving others
knowledge they do not possess. But they must request it; we must not force our agenda on them. It is not
our role as a listener to give people advice, unless of course, they ask for it.
Discuss with your partner the need for your partner to just be a listener vs. being a fixer. In what ways is
this an issue in your relationship?
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Empathy is not the effort to make others feel better. Of course we want people to be happy. But we
can’t make people happy. Happiness is something everyone must find for themselves. And by trying to
make them happy, we may not be giving them what they need. If we are going to try to make them
happy, what exactly will we do to accomplish this? No one knows what the other person needs in a
particular moment. If we try to make them happy, we will have to leave the place of being an empathetic
listener and place ourselves in the role of a fixer.
Discuss the temptation to soothe or appease rather than empathize with your partner. In what ways is this
manifested in your relationship if at all?
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Empathy is…..
Empathy is so simple it is difficult. It is simply joining others where they are. That’s all. But since our
natural tendency is to look at things and interpret things from our own perspective, it takes a lot of
concentration and hard work to completely leave behind our own perspective and try to experience life
through someone else’s perspective. As humans we tend to strive for fixing things, for success for
bringing things to resolution and ending pain and struggle. But this tendency keeps us from really
coming along side and loving others. To be empathetic means you have a genuine interest in the wellbeing of the other person in the same way you are interested in your own well-being.
Unconditional acceptance. Empathy requires unconditional acceptance on our part. When we
empathize, we are not saying we agree with the other person’s thoughts or actions. In fact you may not
like the person you are interacting with at all. Your values and ideas may be completely different from
the other person. But none of this necessarily keeps us from being empathetic. In order to show empathy,
we don’t have to agree, we just have to accept them and listen to them. We are accepting them just as
they are with all their faults and strengths. You may feel the urge to tell them your opinion due to your
concern that they may think you condone their way of thinking or acting. But this is not our job. If they
ask us what we think, then they have invited us to participate. We state our thoughts and leave it at that.
We should not try to tell them how to live their life any more than you want someone to tell you how to
live your life. There are instances in which you will have a mentoring relationship with a person in which
they will want your input and you will give it to them, but only if it is wanted and asked for. Sometimes
close friendships and marital relationships take on this character. But we must be certain that our input is
wanted before we start giving advice.
Many times couples will argue when they hear their partner say something incorrect. Rather than listen,
they will interrupt and argue about facts, and the partner never gets around to empathizing. And the
speaking partner never gets fully heard or understood. In what ways does this happen in your
relationship?
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True empathy involves listening and accepting your partner’s words and their experience even if it is all
based on falsehood. You don’t have to agree with them to accept their perspective. And if they have not
asked for your opinion, you are under no obligation to tell them you think differently than them. Discuss
what it would take in your relationship for both of you to empathize with each other without trying to
correct them or dispute the “facts” or defend yourself even if you are in the right? Remember, empathy
means withholding judgment, and defense and accepting your partner as they are.
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Nonjudgmental. Closely related to unconditional acceptance is the quality of being nonjudgmental.
When we judge someone, we are relating to them from a place of superiority. To even be able to make an
internal evaluation about someone’s behavior assumes we are in a position of superiority. Also, often
times, when we judge others, we are really just trying to justify our own existence. By making a negative
evaluation of someone else, we confirm that we are not like them, we are better than them. When we
judge, we place a wedge between ourselves and others. And I will relate to them as one who is better than
them, and from a position of wanting to correct their behavior rather than extending love. Once we
understand that it is not our job to change people, it is easier to be nonjudgmental. Even though we can
honestly see that something they are doing or saying is not good, we can observe this without casting
judgment on it. Being non-judgmental does not mean we don’t notice destructive behavior, it means we
don’t hold it against them, nor do we let it keep us from walking with them. Jesus spent the bulk of His
time with outsiders, people largely rejected and judged by society. He did not conform to their negative
behaviors, but loved them and accepted them right where they were, extended forgiveness and invited
them to a new life.
Also, when we are honest with ourselves and admit that we have faults and weaknesses or unhealthy
attitudes of our own, we might be less likely to judge someone for having problems we don’t have. You
and I have not walked in their shoes, so we have no idea what kind of life they have endured. Some
psychologists have said that all of us are capable of doing the greatest good to the worst kind of evil,
depending upon the circumstances. I am capable of lying, murdering and having an adulterous
relationship, and so are you. Other than true psychopaths, when most of us do something bad, we have a
hard time believing we would have done something so bad. And yet, for a moment at least, we did
something that went against our own value system. And we are disappointed with ourselves for having
done something so hurtful to someone else. If we can be compassionate toward our own weaknesses, we
have the capacity to be compassionate or empathetic toward others as well. If we can accept our own
weaknesses, we can accept other people who are very unlike us. People who are judgmental are people
who don’t know themselves very well or are not willing to admit their own problems. But empathetic
people are often people who see and admit their own frailties so well that they cannot bring themselves to
judge other people, even people who have done much worse things.
Discuss how well you two do when it comes to accepting the other person with grace vs. drawing
conclusions and making assumptions or judging the other person?
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Reflective listening. Empathy involves reflective listening. Empathy is the action of attempting to feel
with someone what they are feeling. In addition to feeling what others feel, empathy is also the attempt
to understand what other people are thinking and saying. Reflective listening is almost like being a
mirror. You are saying back to the other person what you understand they are feeling, thinking and
saying. Of course, you don’t want to be exactly like a mirror or a parrot and merely echo their exact
words. You will want to be genuine and put it in your own words. For example, let’s say your friend
says to you, “I am so angry with Mary right now I feel like getting a divorce”. Rather than echo his exact
words, reflect back to him the feeling and content of what he is saying using your own words. You might
respond, “It sounds like you’re really fed up; so fed up that your thinking about ending your relationship
with Mary.” This is a very empathetic statement, and an excellent example of non-judgmental love. If
you were coming from a judgment perspective, you might be inclined to respond like this: “Oh, don’t say
that, God wants you to save your marriage”. If you are coming from a fix-it mentality, you might say,
“Maybe you two should get some counseling”. But neither of these last two statements is helpful or
empathetic. In both cases this person is imposing his own opinion rather than walking along side them in
love. But someone might say, “Shouldn’t I want to help them save their marriage”? No, you should want
to love your friend. It is between him and God what he does with his marriage. Frankly, it’s none of our
business. If this person is our friend, and we do have a responsibility to love them well, we will
eventually ask them to evaluate their decision-making in light of their own values. But we will not be
doing the evaluating ourselves.
Give yourself and your partner a score on a scale of 1-10 on how well they empathize and listen and do
reflective listening before sharing their perspective. 1 = very little or no reflective listening, 10 = always
listening reflectively and empathetically.
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Body language. According to Alton Barbour, in his 1976 book, Louder than Words, 7 percent of our
communication is verbal, 38 percent is vocal (the sound, pitch and volume of our voice) and a whopping
55 percent is non-verbal. That’s right, an astounding 55% of communication is mediated through our
body; through facial expression, body posture, use of hands, eyes and other body movements and
positions. In order to be truly empathetic, we need to connect with the other person with our eyes, our
body posture, voice and our words. It is not difficult to detect whether someone is truly interested in what
you are saying. All you have to do is watch their body. If the person you are talking with does not look
at you, but let’s their eyes wander to what is going on elsewhere in the room, or their body is positioned
away from you or their arms are folded, it’s a good bet they are not really connecting with you. Their
mind is elsewhere. So, when you are attempting to extend empathy with someone, pay attention to what
your body is communicating, not just your words. Even though you may be saying the right words, your
body may be saying something else.
Empowerment and respect. Empathy provides the person a mirror to look at themselves and their own
life so they can work through their trials. It also gives them unconditional acceptance which helps them
feel accepted and valuable. This helps to give them courage to face their difficulties. If on the other
hand, we fail to listen empathetically or if we ignore them or just try to fix their problem, we are sending
them the message that they are unimportant, weak, and incapable of fixing their own problem. Empathy
puts the power and courage in their hands so they can be empowered to choose how to make choices for
themselves. In addition to this, empathy helps create a bond between two people. The person will likely
feel accepted by you and will feel close to you because you truly understand them and accept them
without judgment. Many times they will eventually start to adopt some of your values and your way of
life because they respect and admire your loving nature. This is the direct opposite of using power and
control. The tendency in human nature is to use some form of power, influence or control to get people to
change. But this is ineffective and disrespectful. Empathy, on the other hand, has the ability to help
people change, but not as a result of being forced. Rather they want to change because they are inspired
by what they see in you. Therefore, the use of power and control is actually quite weak and ineffective.
But the use of love and empathy is an extremely empowering, inspiring force. I’m not a fan of saying to
others, “I know how you feel”. Even though you may have experienced something identical, their
experience is unique. It is better to ask how they are feeling rather than imposing our feelings onto them.
Do you agree that being empathetic vs. being a fixer demonstrates respect and is empowering? If not,
please explain and discuss this with your partner. In what ways could this improve in your marriage?
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Advanced Empathy – accepting people’s past and inherited weaknesses
It takes advanced empathy to try to understand how someone may have negative habits which
probably come from their own negative childhood. We all have automatic emotional programs that make
us prone to react in ways that hinder relationship growth. Many of these automatic responses grow out of
childhood and are “hardwired” into us and take time to improve. It is important that each partner be
patient with each other with these, trying not to take them personal. For instance, what about the wife
who was abused and neglected during childhood and seems to be “cold as a fish” and not interested in
affection. Rather than take this personally, accept it, empathize with her. Shutting herself off from
people was the only way she knew how to protect herself when she was a child. Don’t penalize her for
doing what comes natural. It will take time, acceptance, empathy and work to help her feel safe and give
her time to open up to you. We all have our baggage from the past which we don’t like. We hate it that
our defenses go up when they do. And we hate it that it hinders our relationships.
Two sets of baggage
Unfortunately, all of us have baggage we bring to our marriages and relationships. Due to a lifetime of
responses to conflict, we have developed habits to protect ourselves. These habits, often called defense
mechanisms, may have kept us safe in childhood, but in relationships they get in the way. They are the
enemies of intimacy, trust and love. Even though we may dislike it when we get defensive, shut down,
get loud, withdraw, or feel the tug to please everyone just to stop the conflict, these are automatic
emotional programs which we inherited from our childhood. Understanding these emotional programs
will help us be more patient with each other by learning to accept that some of these reactions are not
intended to be mean-spirited, but emerge from some hurt from the past. There are three things we can all
do to work through these:
1 When you have acted in a way that was hurtful, gather up the courage to apologize for it.
2. Accept his or her automatic emotional programs, not taking them personally.
3. Determine to conquer the automatic emotional programs in yourself by growing in trust and love.
Now, if a person is not willing to improve on the automatic emotional programs, we will have little hope
of growing in the relationship. Accepting the weakness is important, but when someone is not willing to
grow through them, the relationship is stunted and will be hurtful to the other partner. It should not be
expected that you or your partner would build one’s life around each other’s problems and tiptoe around
each other’s failure to grow.
Imagine this: Let’s suppose two puppies were born from the same mother. One of them was taken into a
home where there was lots of love, tenderness and care. Let’s say the other one was taken by someone
who put them in a pen outside and, every time the owner visited the dog, he would beat it with a stick and
yell at it. He only fed it a couple times a week and rarely changed the dirty drinking water, and certainly
did not pet the puppy. So, now the puppy has learned quickly that people are not safe. Whenever he sees
the shadow of a human coming to his pen, he runs to the back of the pen with tail tucked and whimpering,
afraid. Or if he is the aggressive type, he will growl at and try to bite everyone who comes near him to
protect himself. Even if a new person who is full of love and kindness comes to visit the puppy, he will
be afraid, because that is all he knows is fear. To protect himself he will run and hide or fight and bite.
But the first puppy has learned that people are safe. In fact, this puppy knows nothing of fear. People are
fun and loving. When he sees a person drive up in the driveway, he wags his tail and runs to the window
to see who will be the next fun person to pet him.
We are social beings and made for love and relationships. And when we do not get love we naturally
develop strong defense mechanisms to protect ourselves against pain and from the fear of not being
validated, accepted and loved.
As a newborn, the human infant is the most vulnerable creature on the planet. God has made us so that
we can survive only when we are cared for by another person. And when this care is stunted we are
stunted. The first part of a human’s brain to develop is the limbic system. It is the primitive selfprotective part of the brain that only knows survival: to gain pleasure and security and avoid pain or
insecurity. This is otherwise known as the fight or flight system of the brain. The frontal lobe, on the
other hand, is where the prefrontal cortex is located. This is the part of the brain dedicated to reasoning,
discernment, decision-making and even evaluating one’s own thoughts and behaviors and making a
decision how to act, choosing from an array of options. The problem is that this part of the brain does not
begin to function this way until adolescence. Even then, it is just beginning to develop. Scientists seem
to suggest that the prefrontal cortex does not fully develop until the mid twenties. Maybe this is why car
insurance rates go down at age 25!!!! Coincidence? I don’t think so. When we are children, before our
frontal lobe develops, our responses to conflict are recorded in our limbic system of our brain which is
then hard-wired to the rest of our body and emotions. In layman’s terms, this means we have knee-jerk
reactions to conflict which we may not like. Our reactions do not go through the rational part of our brain
where we can use reason and discernment to make a choice about how to respond. No, the child merely
reacts in a primitive defensive fashion to protect the self. No matter how perfect our environment is or
how perfect our parents are, no child’s world is free from fearful or threatening events or messages. So,
all of us develop defensive responses and carry them into adulthood when we must learn to undo them.
The more traumatic the childhood, the more severe the defense mechanisms are. With some children the
defensive responses are so strong that, even when their rational brain develops, the fight or flight response
is so strong that he or she still reacts out of this primitive self-protective response because the foundation
for these behaviors are so deep. They can only be rewired by teaching the rational brain new ways of
processing information, relationship interaction, and conflict. But this is usually a long process of
growth.
In what ways can you empathize with your partners weaknesses and inherited baggage from childhood
(which we all have to some degree), and be patient with their growth?
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So when your partner reacts in ways that seem hurtful, remember that they are probably acting out of a
lifetime of experiences they did not have a lot of control over. This, of course, does not excuse them from
growing, but it is something we can accept and empathize with as we are supportive and help them grow
through their pain as they help us grow through our own.
Truth
From what you have read so far, you may think that I’m suggesting love is merely passive and
spineless. This is not the case at all. Love may appear to be spineless, because love will never
act from a perspective of egocentricity or self-protection. Love subjects both itself and others to
the will of God and the establishment of His kingdom in our lives. Therefore, protection of self
is not the primary concern for love. Love is interested in truth, compassion and justice. Concern
for my protection is a distraction to keep us from acting from a place of love. We cannot selfprotect and love at the same time. They mutually exclude each other. Even when a woman who
is abused by her spouse, files an emergency protection order, her motivation to file a restraining
order does not have to be merely out of self-protection, but because love hold’s others
accountable for their actions. It is certainly appropriate to be concern about one’s safety in such
a situation, but not at the expense of considering love. A restraining order is filed because of
love as well as concern for personal safety. This love also happens to protect you. The drugaddict son, who always comes home asking for money, is not being loved properly when the
parents give him money or take him in the home all the time without conditions. In this case,
love withholds money, and sets conditions for being at home, or even requires detoxifying before
offering any other type of help. In this case, love has also protected itself from throwing away
money, but the motivation comes from seeking the well-being of their son, not merely because
the parent is concerned about money. In summary, love is never merely motivated out of selfprotection, but also for the sake of love of the other.
Reciprocal Distance
Let us look at the way Christian communities dealt with sin in the New Testament. It appears
that the primary way we are instructed to handle behaviors unbecoming of true community is
through the threat of separation. For instance, let’s take a look at Matthew 18:15-17:
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won
your brother. "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE
MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. "If he
refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let
him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Mat 18:15-17)
Notice the progression from one-on-one private confrontation to finally exposing the sin to the
church, and then finally separation if the person does not acknowledge and change their
behaviors. Of course the thing confronted, must truly be a sin, and not just something the other
person happens to dislike. It must be truly a disrespectful behavior unbecoming of a covenant
relationship such as lying, adultery, stealing, violence (words or physical violence), careless
behavior that harms people in the family (such as alcohol or drug addiction). These are the kinds
of things mentioned in the 10 commandments or the other catalogue of sins mentioned several
times throughout scripture.
Therefore, rather than react to someone judgmentally or defensively, we merely communicate to
them our concern to them. If they acknowledge their negative behavior and change, nothing
more is needed. If they don’t, then you let them know you will have to resort to some type of
distance. Again, the distance is not merely to protect ourselves, but to love them well enough to
confront them. They cannot have their sinful and disrespectful behaviors and have you as well.
If you let that happen, you are condoning it and sinning right along with them.
The principle used here is reciprocal distance. This concept flows from the reality that
everyone has their own free will, and they will do what they want to do. No amount of
complaining, fighting, pouting or appeasing will help them improve their behaviors. They will
change when they get ready. So, rather than try to get them to change, it is best to leave them to
their own devices. If they decide to change, then you will let them have a relationship with you.
If they do not change, then they cannot have you. Obviously, you will have to be strong enough
to live without them to love them in this strong way. Reciprocal distance is the way God relates
to us. It is stated succinctly here: “But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "God is
opposed to the proud, but give grace to the humble.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil
and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:6-8).
God mirrors our choices. If we draw near to Him, He draws near to us. If we are proud or
wayward, He, being the perfect gentleman that He is, gives us the space we insist upon. He will
not impose His will upon us to choose Him. He, the maker of reality, alone chooses which
destinies are open to us, namely, heaven and hell. So, even though God gives us freedom to
make our choices, He has not made us free to choose our destiny. If we choose pride, then
we get all the baggage that goes with it (self-destruction). Scriptures like the following make
this perfectly clear: “Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so
that their bodies would be dishonored among them.” (Rom 1:24). When God put Adam and
Even in the garden, He gave them two trees and two choices to follow and reminded them of the
consequences of “eating” from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He let the temptation
happen, and he let Eve and Adam partake and bring death on themselves. He did not step in and
stop it. On the positive side, when we draw near to Him, there is no end to the depth of intimacy
and love we can experience in Him, both now and forever. "Ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. "For everyone who asks receives,
and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. (Mat 7:7-8).
His love toward us is our model to follow. Rather than use power and control to handle conflict
with others, we merely give them over to their free will. If they change for the good, you can
move toward them. If they refuse to give up their self-centeredness, you put distance between
you two. You don’t have to do it in anger or with control or out of spite. You can do it with
love, as one who does not have to have them in your life (as stated in the section on faith), but
with the open invitation to be in relationship with them so long as they lay down their hurtful
behaviors.
If, however our spouse’s behaviors do not reach to the level of a sin that must be confronted, but
can be viewed as a general style difference, difference of opinion, or idiosyncrasy, then we have
no other recourse but to let go of their differences, and accept them as they are, and enjoy their
uniqueness, incorporating their difference into our life. Otherwise our life will be made
miserable, fighting a difference in the other they are not likely to change.
When in a relationship with someone we have conflict with, we have only 3 choices open to us.
1. Accept this person as they are and live with them.
2. Accept this person as they are and create distance from them, with conditions for rejoining
(reciprocal distance).
3. Or engage in a power struggle (Fight, Flee or appease) to try to change him/her which
typically turns into a cycle of fighting and defending and blaming and accomplishes nothing.
From what has been said so far, it should be becoming apparent that love is a kind of dance
between people with free wills. In this dance our part is to know when to move toward and when
to move away from the other person without stepping on their toes. It involves both a passion
and longing for others to have the most abundant life possible while still respecting their choices
and life as they choose it. We have to have a keen head and heart to discern when it is time to
speak, when to be quiet, when to rebuke, to give space, to move closer, to challenge, to end the
relationship, etc… Either way, love never stops caring and hoping for those closest to us to
experience the kingdom of God’s love. "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets
and stones those sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, just as a hen
gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not have it! (Luk 13:34)
Indomitable
If there was no such thing as the resurrection, it seems to me, there would be no real reason to
love. By definition, love means vulnerability and self-sacrifice. It makes no sense to be
vulnerable and to give self-sacrificially if we just rot in our graves after death. Paul’s advice
makes more sense: “If the dead are not raised, let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.” (I
Corinthians 15:32). In other words, if there is no resurrection, we might as well just focus on
pleasure, and our own happiness. If it was not so tragic, it would be humorous. The world tries
so hard to look out for #1; all this jockeying for power and success and yet so much misery. The
big joke is this: we secure our lives precisely by being vulnerable and losing our lives, not by
pursuing security. The Christian is both vulnerable and indestructible at the same time.
Because of the profound Christian Hope in God’s love for us, we can therefore be fearless about
life on earth. The person who has God’s love, and therefore the hope of resurrection, need not
fear anything. As God, indestructible as He is, gave himself over to death in the person of Jesus
Christ, we too are invited to lay down our lives for others willingly without fear. It is impossible
to dominate a Christian who is truly embracing faith and love. No threat of rejection, of
withdrawing love, or even threat of death will be capable of moving us from our true condition
of being loved by God. We will not be swayed or manipulated by anything.
The religious leaders thought they could intimidate Jesus into leaving town or toning down his
“rhetoric” by threatening to kill him or make false accusations to Pilate or Herod. None of these
fazed Jesus nor deterred him from His mission to love and tell the truth.
Just at that time some Pharisees approached, saying to Him, "Go away, leave here, for
Herod wants to kill You." And He said to them, "Go and tell that fox, 'Behold, I cast out
demons and perform cures today and tomorrow, and the third day I reach My goal.'
"Nevertheless I must journey on today and tomorrow and the next day; for it cannot be
that a prophet would perish outside of Jerusalem. (Luk 13:31-35).
In other words, Jesus was saying, “if you want to kill me you’ll have get a ticket and wait in line
in Jerusalem. I’ll keep doing what God sent me to do, kill me if you must”. You can’t really
harm someone, at least not in any significant way, who has already embraced death and
embraced God’s love fully.
Jesus met his accusers freely. He did not run from them nor defend Himself against them. Jesus
stated it very clearly, “"For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I
may take it again. "No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I
have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I
received from My Father." (Joh 10:17-18).
When someone embodies this type of indomitable and yet vulnerable love, we become a force
for the world to have to reckon with. Someone can hate you, despise you, love you or reject you,
but they cannot get you to hate nor be shaken from your center. This tends to create an
environment in which love transforms others around you. If you won’t fight, flee or appease, but
love and turn the other cheek and do not condemn, people often feel the power of this love and
are transformed by it. The Bible has an image that describes this environment. Never take your
own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is
mine; I will repay” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty,
give him drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome
by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Rom 12:19-21). “Burning coals” means to feel the fires
of remorse on yourself. Perhaps this verse is one of the origins of the saying, “kill them with
kindness”. People who encounter an indomitable love are often transformed by its generosity.