Welcome to Writer’s Workshop Week!
“Writing is really rewriting – making the story better, clearer, truer.” – Robert Lipsyte
This week, you will spend each class day focusing on one specific area of your memoir rough draft. Here’s the schedule
for the week:





Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Thesis, Introduction Paragraph
Body Paragraphs, Organization
Details, Transitions
Setting, Tone, Word Choice
Conclusion Paragraph, Proofread, Final Peer Review
You will have the weekend to finalize your draft and create a complete, polished copy ready to hand in on
Monday, September 27th. I will provide you with a cover sheet for your final draft this Friday.
EXPECTATIONS:
1. Use all available class time to work and rework your rough draft.
2. When prompted, help your classmates with their revisions and offer constructive feedback.
3. Attempt your revisions on YOUR OWN FIRST, then ask a classmate, and finally ask the teacher.
4. Conversations should only be related to your essays.
5. If finished with one area of your essay, move on to another. If you need extra help, attend tutoring.
Remember the Writing Process:
Prewriting
Drafting
Revising/Editing
Proofreading
Publishing/Reflecting
Revising Checklist
Monday, 09/20
Use the following checklist as a guide when you revise your writing. Complete this when you read your rough draft and
your teacher’s comments. Remember: When you revise, you improve the thoughts and details that carry your message.
 Does my writing have a clear FOCUS?
_____ Do I focus on an interesting part of my subject?
_____ Do I express my feelings about the subject in a thesis statement?
 Does my writing follow a clear method of ORGANIZATION?
_____ Do I use a method of organizing my ideas?
 Do I need to ADD any information?
_____ Do I need to make my opening clearer and more interesting?
_____ Do I need to add details to support my thesis?
_____ Do I need to make my closing more effective?
 Do I need to CUT any information?
_____ Do any of my details not belong?
_____ Do I repeat myself in parts?
_____ Do I say too much about a certain idea?
 Do I need to REWRITE any parts?
_____ Do some of my ideas sound unclear?
_____ Do I need to reword any explanations?
 Do need to REORDER any parts?
_____ Do any ideas or details seem out of place?
_____ Does the most important point I’m trying to make seem lost or misplaced?
1. READ THE MODELS – Introductions
“The Game” by Matt Vice
The rain hit my helmet lightly, like a soft tapping on a door. I pulled my chin strap tightly around
my face and snapped it on the other side. Forty-three teammates standing beside me started to jog,
workhorses on the move, the clip-clop of our spikes the only sound.
“Finding My Family” by Natalie Garcia
When I was four years old, I saw my dad all of the time. Although my parents were divorced, he
used to drive all the way from Michigan just to see me. Sometimes he’d pick me up in his old blue
pickup truck, and I’d travel back to his house, bumping along the potholed streets, listening to the
radio.
“Stronger at the Broken Places” by Anonymous
Although I have no memory of the ordeals I faced during my first years of life, I shall always
bear the orthopedic deformities that I was handed at birth. I have feet that put Steven Spielberg’s E.T.
to shame. They are a tangle of toes held together by bunions. In addition, my right knee, with its
underdeveloped muscle and bone, is chronically dislocated. These deformities have been difficult to
accept, but they have provided me with a unique life. My physical challenges have greatly influenced
the development of my character.
“My Lord, What a Morning” by Marian Anderson
There seemed to be people as far as the eye could see. The crowd stretched in a great
semicircle from the Lincoln Memorial around the reflecting pool on to the shaft of the Washington
Monument. I had a feeling that a great wave of good will poured out from these people, almost
engulfing me. And when I stood up to sing our National Anthem I felt for a moment as though I were
choking. For a desperate second I thought that the words, well as I know them, would not come.
2. HIGHLIGHT the part(s) of your introduction that gets the reader’s attention.
3. MAKE YOUR REVISIONS – Add action, dialogue, or other details to make the introduction more
interesting.
4. GET A PEER REVIEW (Introduction ONLY) – use the following form:
Reviewer’s Name: _______________________________________
A. I noticed…
B. I liked (enjoyed, appreciated)…
C. I wondered…
D. I would suggest…
DAY 2 – Paragraphs
1. LOOK at your own writing
Each paragraph should contain a new idea and flow in an organized, meaningful way. First, with a colored pen
or pencil, go through your rough draft and number the events as they occur in your writing. Next, if it seems
difficult to do this or your events are out of order then reorganize your essay by listing the events in order on a
sheet of paper. Finally, read the following models to decide how you might want to organize them and make
your new revisions.
1. Read the MODELS
“The Game” by Matt Vice (continued) – organized by chronological order
As we approached the field, the rain picked up. I looked at my teammates after hearing the cheers
from our fans. I said to myself, “This is why I play football; this is what it’s all about.” As we burst through the
gate, the roar of the crowd engulfed us. Our coach gathered us together on the sidelines and barked the game
plan to us. Forty-four sets of eyes locked on him as if we were hypnotized. We broke the huddle, and the
receiving team trotted out onto the field.
The ball was kicked. It soared high about our heads as the two teams ran full charge at each other. I
found my man and fixed on him like a missile locking on to its target. The return man was hit hard and brought
down around the 50-yard line.
The crowd was yelling; the cheerleaders were pumped. I heard the chanting fade into the background
as the game progressed. Two quarters passed, then three. Hard-hitting crunches and cracks could be heard
play after play. Each team traded scores.
“Finding My Family” by Natalie Garcia (continued) – organized by showing contrast
I remember always waking up early in the morning, running into his room, and jumping on his bed to
wake him. Soon after, I would smell homemade tortillas and eggs. Sometimes he even made breakfast burritos
for a special treat. On other days, I just ate cereal.
I remember the sound of music from the ice-cream truck that would cruise through his neighborhood.
We would run out of the house, and my dad would pick me up and hold me while I chose what I wanted.
Sometimes I’d choose an orange push-up, but most of the time, I picked the green ice-cream frog on a stick
with gum-ball eyes. It was my favorite.
My dad worked as a truck driver, and he’d often bring crates of produce home – bushels of bumpy
brown potatoes, bright green peppers, and juicy orange-red tomatoes. I loved to eat the tomatoes whole,
sprinkled with salt. I still do that now.
All of a sudden, my dad stopped visiting, and I was devastated. I wrote to him as many times as I could,
but he never answered my letters. I thought that he didn’t love me anymore. I asked my mom over and over
why he didn’t write to me. She said he probably didn’t have the time. But how could someone not have
enough time for his own child?
“Stronger at the Broken Places” by Anonymous (continued) - organized by showing contrast & chron. order
Throughout my early years, I quickly learned that children can be cruel. It was difficult to explain my
physical oddities to my elementary school peers; I hardly understood them myself. All my friends knew was
that I couldn’t play soccer or walk without pain. But it wasn’t until I started wearing a knee brace and
orthopedic shoes that the situation became almost unbearable. Being called crippled, getting kicked in the
knee, and being tripped pricked my soul; but it also strengthened it in the process.
DAY 3 – Details
Details are used in writing to support a thesis. Details help make the story real, help make it unique, and allow
your reader to really “get” what you’re saying. Plus, details make for very interesting reading! Avoid using
“fluff” details that don’t support your thesis. Try to use at least three of the following types of details but also
avoid overusing them.
Types of Details
1. Dialogue
2. Examples
3. Similes – comparison between two unlike things using like or as.
4. Metaphors – comparison between two unlike things not using like or as.
5. Sensory Details – touch, taste, smell, sight, sound
6. Quotations
7. Reasons
1. READ the following example:
Example without strong use of details:
The game was really tough. We tried so hard. The crowd was really intense and we could feel them
staring at us as we started to lose. Our quarterback fumbled and we lost.
I was so upset. I felt angry and disappointed. Somehow this had not turned out like I thought it would.
We returned to the locker room. We didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night.
Example using strong details from “The Game” by Matt Vice
Eleven men broke the huddle and slowly walked to the line. The center placed his hands on the ball,
keeping the laces up for luck. The quarterback barked his cadence like a general shouting orders. Eyes were
locked; the crowd was silent. At the snap of the ball, their linemen charged us, trying to crack the wall. Our
quarterback took a hit and fumbled before he could cross the line. The game was over. We lost by inches.
I went still and fell to my knees. Our quarterback sat in the end zone, alone. I could hear sobs from the
crowd. Tears ran down my face, or maybe it was just the rain. I couldn’t tell. Some teammates were consoled
by their families or hugged by their friends. Our last game was not supposed to end in this way.
Heads down, our team walked slowly back to the locker room, the once thunderous footsteps now
silent. For the first time that night, I felt the cold.
2. LOOK at your own writing
First, using a different colored highlighter than you’ve used before, highlight all the details in your essay. Then,
look at the list above and pick a few details you haven’t used. Revise your essay by adding them in the parts
that seem to lack support for your thesis or in places that seem “lifeless.”
DAY 4 – Setting, Tone, Word Choice
1. Setting
Your memoir should have a setting, whether it’s your home in a new city, the football field during a game on a
rainy evening, Grandma’s house on Christmas morning, the stage of the talent show on the last day of school,
or a paintball field one misty morning. Make sure your story has a time and place for the action! Read your
essay and make sure you have a setting established.
2. Tone & Word Choice
Refer back to your prewriting graphic organizer where you wrote down the tone of your story. Remember that
the tone is the author’s attitude towards his/her subject. Did you feel like your story was “gloomy,”
“optimistic,” “hopeful,” or “despairing?” Whatever your tone is, your writing should show that tone. How? The
answer is in the words you choose to use: “The hollow house seemed to weep as the crooked tree formed a
frown under the moonlight.” There’s a mysterious, mournful, and eerie tone to that just because of the words
I chose to use. What if I wrote this instead: “The bustling house seemed to laugh as the friendly tree formed a
grin under the blue sky.” Now the tone has changed to optimistic, cheerful, and peaceful. I used very different
words to describe the same setting, and those words carried two very different attitudes. Read through your
essay and look for words you might revise so that they express your story with the right tone.
Peer Discussion: Asking the Writer Questions
During your peer review today, ask the writer the following questions to help him/her reflect on the essay.
1. Why did you choose this experience to write about?
2. What message are you trying to get across?
3. What are the most important details that support that message?
4. How did you establish the tone of the piece (find examples)?
5. How do you want your readers to feel at the end?
Parts of my essay I still need to work on:
DAY 5 – Conclusion, MLA Standards of Presentation
1. Conclusion
The conclusion of your essay should provide your reader with a sense of completion. This is where you restate
or summarize your thesis statement, and make your reader feel glad to have read your essay. Your conclusion
should be a place in your essay for you to reflect on your experience and identify what you learned or how you
were changed by that experience. You might conclude with phrases like these: I learned that… or From then
on, I knew… or Ever since this experience, I have felt…
Example Conclusions:
From “Finding My Family” by Natalie Garcia
I called my dad. During our conversation, for the first time since I was four years old, I heard him say, “I
love you.” I now know that I have a family – here with Mom, of course, but now there’s also Dad and a halfsister. My family may be scattered over three states, but knowing that everyone is out there is the best feeling
in the world. It makes me feel like a hole in my heart has been filled.
From “Stronger at the Broken Places” by Anonymous
My disabilities only “disable” me in the physical sense. They have strengthened my mind and spirit. I
will never be ashamed of my feet or my knee, for they have guided me in the past and will lead me into the
future.
***At the bottom of your last page, please write/type your thesis statement.***
2. MLA Format Presentation
You may either handwrite or type your final draft. If handwriting your final draft, use your best handwriting.
Whether you type or handwrite your essay, follow these MLA formatting standards:
 Essay is double-spaced
 12 pt. font size
 Times New Roman or Arial-font style
 Heading in upper left-hand corner of first page:
o Name (First, Last)
o Teacher (Mrs. Veley)
o Class (RELA – Period)
o Date
 Page number and last name in upper right-hand corner of each page (Smith 1)
 Title centered and capitalized on first page
 If handwriting, do NOT write on backs of pages
 Staple once in upper left-hand corner with “Personal Narrative Assessment Rubric” on top
 Make sure your thesis statement is typed/written at bottom of last page
Before making your final draft, PROOFREAD your essay for spelling, run-ons and fragments, capitalization, and
punctuation.
Good luck and remember:
QUALITY MATTERS!