Please note: The format for the commentary for the essays in this workbook on
the website has been changed from the original format given in the WPE
workbook.
ESSAY TOPIC I
DIRECTIONS: You will have a total of 75 minutes to respond to the topic below. A time
warning will be announced 10 minutes prior to the end of the test. You will not be allowed
to leave early.
Express your thoughts carefully, logically, and effectively.
Provide examples and evidence to support your ideas.
DO NOT WRITE ON A TOPIC OTHER THAN THE ONE ASSIGNED BELOW
Advances in medicine have already increased the life span of human beings from 47
years in 1890 to 76 years today. In addition to seeking treatments or preventatives for
major causes of death, researchers have turned their attention towards a new agenda.
Several scientists are now working to determine how the aging process itself can be
slowed down so that people live even longer.

What effects would you anticipate on society if people soon averaged life
spans of 90-100 years or longer?

How would these changes affect your plans and your goals?
You may use both sides of this sheet to make notes or form an outline.
Property of CSULB
Do not remove from the test room
Please note: The format for the commentary for the essays in this workbook on
the website has been changed from the original format given in the WPE
workbook.
Essay Paper I-A"
Much like Ponce de Leon, most
individuals have at some point
attempted to secure their own
“fountain of youth.” As
technology continues to uncover
and provide answers to the many
perplexing mysteries of life,
modern medicine also provides a
greater guarantee of longevity.
People fantasize about living
into their 90's and are
entertained by the idea of
immortality; however, the
extension of the human life span
poses as many disadvatages as it
does advantaes. Not only are
there consequences to consider
such as the impact on families,
communities and society as a
whole, but there are equally as
many ethical concerns that need
to be addressed.
The question
arises, “Are we playing God?”
One such issue points to the
quality of life an individual
may have when 100 yrs. old. The
human body, its systems and
functions, may not be able to
sustain people after a certain
chronological age. Although it
is plausible to slow doen aging,
the inevitable effects of organ,
muscle or tissue deterioration
need to undergo more thorough
scientific study.
Our bodies are vulnerable to
disease and over time bones
become brittle and weak. This
presents many problems in
calculating the cost of
continued medical care for those
unable to ward off potential
illness. Families will have to
endure the cost of continued
medical care and/or supervision
of their aging parents. This
will cause stress and discomfort
as families work longer and
harder to continue to sustain
their loved one.
Communities will be required
to address the need for an
increase in services, resources,
and program that provide support
and social/ recreational
activities. The Federal
Government will be expected to
develop social welfare policy
and implement programs to serve
elderly needs. The social
security administration, which
is virtually bankrupt now, will
need to supplement the aged with
financial resources when
retirement and family income
becomes insufficient.
It sounds crass and heartless
to suggest that by allowing
people to live longer we, as a
society, will be left with an
enormous debt, but this
financial drain will need to be
shared by all. Many people
don’t want to pay higher taxes
and cannot afford to take any
more withholdings from salaries.
Families who also have the
responsibility of raising
children, with all the cost this
involves, may not be prepared to
also care for aging parents.
Additionally, advances in
medicine have proven to extend
life, but can the functions of
the mind and our thought
processes also be improved?
Most elderly suffer from memory
loss or some form of impairment
in judgement or decision making.
If we are allowed to live
longer will we become a possible
danger to ourselves or others if
not able to logically or
rationally assess any given
circumstance or situation?
Although living longer does
present formidable challenges
economically, psychologically,
and physically, one of the many
advantages would be the
increased need for people to
enter the social work, or
“helping” profession. This
particularly effects me because
I have a strong interest in
pursuing a career in social work
and would feel confident that
the job market will be strong
and diverse with many more
people living longer and
experiencing a wide array of
activities and responsibilities.
In summary, the advances in
modern medicine have contributed
greatly to an improved quality
of life; however, an increased
life span has merits as well as
consequences which need to be
taken into consideration and
weighed carefully. Not everyone
would welcome the idea of living
until they are 90 or 100 for a
variety of reasons. Would you?
Commentary,
Essay Paper I-A"
6 SCORE--SUPERIOR: The scoring guide used by readers of the WPE essay
states that to receive a grade of 6, the essay must be an intelligent, perceptive
response to all parts of the writing assignment. It must be well-written, organized,
and detailed. And it should use complex and varied sentence structure and
effective diction.
The author of this 6 paper has obviously read the writing assignment carefully and
understands that she must respond to two tasks: (a) discuss some effects on
society if people live to be 90 to 100 years old; (b) discuss how these changes
would affect her plans and goals.
The author introduces her discussion with an allusion to an historical figure who
searched for a legendary fountain of youth; she then states that modern medicine
may be making it possible for people to fulfill such dreams of living into their 90s.
However, the author asserts, living a longer life may have serious negative
consequences and may raise some important ethical questions.
The author describes and comments on these possible negative effects in an
organized, systematic way. She uses specific details about bones becoming brittle
and bodies becoming vulnerable to disease, which in turn would make it necessary
for families to care for elderly family members longer and thus would place a
financial and emotional hardship on them.
The author uses complex sentences, such as, "Although it is plausible to slow down
aging..." and "If we are allowed to live longer...." to indicate relationships between
ideas. She also varies sentence length and structure.
Although the author does not use long or fancy words, her language is precise and
economical. Correct use of such words as "plausible," "sustain," "crass,"
"formidable," "diverse," and "array" indicates sophisticated word choice.
The author moves from one argument to the next smoothly and logically,
connecting paragraphs by referring back to the previous paragraph and by using
transition words.
Although the author devotes most of the essay responding to the first part of the
question, she does not neglect the second part, stating that since she has an
interest in a career in social work, the changes she has discussed will directly
affect her.
Essay Paper I-B"
It is possible that in the
next ten to twenty years the
average human lifespan will be
90-100 years old. If this
happens, people in the United
States will be affected in many
ways. For the purposes of this
essay, I will focus on three
changes. First, people in the
U.S. will be forced to retire
older. Second, the average
person will change occupations
at least once in their lifetime.
And third, there will be less
land available to people seeking
to buy their own property. As I
am an American citizen, I will
be affected by each of these
changes. This essay will
examine each of the three
changes and how these changes
affect my plans for the future.
First, if the average
lifespan increases, people will
have to retire later than 55.
The U.S. Social Security system
is not set-up to support people
for more than 15-20 yrs.
Knowing this, I have altered my
methods of money management.
Instead of relying on the
government to support me, I will
enact my own savings plan. I
will invest money in long-term
mutual funds and the stock
market so that I will not have
to rely on Social Security.
This will enable me to retire at
the age of 55.
The second change that will
transpire as a result of
prolonged lifetimes is that
people will change jobs at least
once in their lifetime. This
will happen for two reasons.
First, people will become bored
working at the same place for 45
years. Second, as a result of
technological advances,
companies will lay off their
employees more often to hire
younger workers with new skills.
In reaction to the
eventuality of holding multiple
jobs, I have started honing as
many skills as possible. I take
classes at Universities, read
books and remain apprised of
current global trends. By doing
these three things, I feel I
will have a wider selection of
choices in the job market and be
more valuable to employers.
The third and final change I
anticipate as people’s average
age becomes older is there will
be less land available to people
looking to purchase property.
This will happen because people
will not be looking to sell
their land as often. There is a
limited supply of land in the
U.S., and with people living
longer, they will be holding
onto their realestate longer.
I will plan for this land
shortage similar to how I will
plan for retirement. I will buy
property as soon as I have saved
enough money for a down payment.
This will assure me at least
one home of my own.
In conclusion, it is apparent
that the average lifespan will
increase. There are already
people who live to be 95-100.
As a result, there have already
been cries to change the age of
retirement, people are already
changing jobs at least once in
their lifetimes and the prices
for land continue to escalate
showing it is a valuable
commodity. I have seen the
eventuality of these problems
becoming more acute.
Consequently I have developed a
feasible savings plan to allow
me to retire at the age of 55, I
have started learning as much as
possible from a variety of
sources and I have a plan for
attaining my own home.
Consequently, I believe I will
readily meet the inevitable
changes due to the lengthening
of the average person’s
lifespan.
Commentary,
Essay Paper I-B"
5 SCORE--COMPETENT: The scoring guide states that in order to receive a
score of 5, an essay must be a thoughtful analytical response to all parts of the
writing assignment. It must be clearly organized and developed and skillful in
sentence construction, variety, and word choice.
This 5 paper is clearly organized; the author immediately states that he is going to
discuss three specific changes that will occur if people live to be 90 to 100 and that
he will, at the same time, explain how these changes will affect him. He
systematically fulfills this promise, discussing late retirement, occupational change,
and land shortage, focusing particularly on how he will anticipate these changes
and compensate for them.
Although this paper is an energetic, personal response to the question, it is not as
strong as the 6 paper for the following reasons:
Some parts of the argument are not logical and clear. For example, the fact that
people will live longer does not necessarily mean that they will change jobs more
frequently than they do now; furthermore, the author's comment about technology
causing lay-offs seems an afterthought, not really related to his argument. The
claim that if people live longer less land will be available is not really explained
clearly; moreover, if a land shortage does occur, it will hardly happen so rapidly that
the author will have to buy property immediately.
Although skillful, the sentence structure and diction are not as sophisticated as
that of the 6 paper. For example, the phrase "the average lifespan will be 90100 years old" is awkward. There is a shift in number from singular to plural in
the sentence, "the average person will change occupations at least once in their
lifetime. The phrase, "as people's average age becomes older," is awkward.
The word "enact" is not used correctly in the sentence, "I will enact my own
savings plan." These are probably problems that could have been corrected if
the author had taken more time for revision and editing.
Essay Paper “I-C"
As a whole, society is
productive today. Many people
live until the age of 76. Most
of them retire at the age of 65.
The years of a productive
person in the work force is
about 40 years. If our life
span increased to 90 - 100
years, our work force years
would increase as well. This
increase could lead to a more
productive society. With the
rise in productivity, there
would also be an inflation of
people and money. That means
more buildings being built, more
money to be made, ultimately
leading to more happy people.
The happiness could also stem
from people being healthier
longer and people living a
fuller life by doing everything
they ever wanted to do. People
could reach their goals and feel
a sense of accomplishment from
this completion. Thus, leading
to happiness for all. Another
factor in a longer life span
would be the large increase in
population. The amount of
people would rise by about one
quarter to a third of what the
population is today. This
increase could be a burden on an
already overpopulated society.
If the life span does “in”
increase by 15 to 25 years, then
there should be some planning of
how to deal with the growing
population. Larger population
could be handled by using the
more productive society to our
advantage. That could include
more homes being built in less
populated areas, etc.
My plans and goals for the
future would be changed
drastically. My immediate, short
term goals would remain the
same. I would like to continue
my education until I graduate
with my Bachelors of Science
degree in Finance. After
graduation I would like to do
underwriting for companies just
going public, working with a
large firm. The longer life span
will allow me to make more
changes in regards to my career
and possibly where I live.
After I have worked for a firm
for about ten years I would like
to try different careers in New
York City and London. Possibly
in San Fransisco, as well.
Living twenty years longer than
people today will allow me the
opportunity to do this. I would
also like to travel the world
and see as many different
countries as I can. Many people
do not get this opportunity
because generally, people work
until the age of 65, having not
travelled. By the time they
reach this age, people are not
as physically fit and able to do
all the travelling they once
intended after retirement. With
people living until 100 years
old, a lot more of my dreams and
aspirations will become true and
completed. I would be a more
content person having done this.
The increase in life span could
only be a positive thing in
regards to my plans and goals.
I will be able to accomplish
more then I could now,
ultimately leading to a happy,
fulfilling life.
Commentary
Essay Paper I-C"
4 SCORE--ADEQUATE: The scoring guide assigns a 4 to papers that provide an
adequate analysis of the writing assignment. It should be reasonably developed
and focused. It may have minor weaknesses, but it should use appropriate
sentence structure and diction.
The author of this 4 essay provides an adequate, but not a very complex or
sophisticated analysis of the writing assignment. Moreover, the essay is not
carefully controlled; the paragraphs are too long and disorganized. Secondly, the
sentence structure is simple and repetitive. Reading the first five or six sentences
aloud will reveal how monotonous they are; the sentence structure does not reflect
relationships between ideas.
The author of this essay does respond to the question in a reasonably developed
and focused way, but relationships between statements in the first paragraph and
the author's personal plans in the second paragraph are vague. For example, that
longer lives may lead to a more productive society is not clearly related to his plans
to try different careers and to travel.
The sentence structure and the diction in this essay are adequate, but not as
complex and sophisticated as in the 6 and 5 essays.
Essay Paper I-D"
The advances in medicine have
already increased the lifespan
of human beings greatly. People
now can live up to ninety to one
hundred years or longer. As a
result of this great advances in
medicine, the society soon will
anticipate with many effects in
order to support the older
people who can no longer work to
support themself.
One of the many effects that
society will soon anticipate is
in the work force. As the
average of people’s lifespance
increase, the average amount of
work force need to increase too.
Instead of working fourty
years, in average, people will
soon work for seventy to eighty
years before they can stay home
to collect social security
benefit. Soon, we will see lots
of older people in the work
force such as packing groceries
in the supermarkets, watching
children after school in the
daycare centers, etc.
The regulation of age of
retirement will soon change to
age of seveny five or eight five
years old before people are
eligible to collect social
security benefit . The society
can not afford to let elder
people to stay on SSI benefit
very long if the society were to
let older people to collect
retirement benefit at age of
sixty five as of today. Another
affect that will certain happen
is the increase on income tax
cut from the young. As many
people live longer, there will
be more money needed to spend on
medicare and well being of older
people. So, the government need
to cut more tax in order to keep
up with change.
As a conclusion, as the
average lifespan increase, we
will see many people will
continue to work. And I
personally would be very bore if
I were to work very long, say up
to seventy years, before I can
stay home to collect social
security checks.
Commentary
Essay Paper I-D"
3 SCORE--INADEQUATE: The score of 3 indicates that the essay is an
inadequate analysis of the writing assignment. The essay fails to developed a
focused response or it is weak in structure, syntax, or mechanics.
This 3 essay is not sufficiently developed or clearly argued. The first paragraph
is little more than a restatement of the writing task. The argument in the second
paragraph--that as people live longer they will have to work longer hours and that
old people will have to work in supermarkets--is not clear. The last statement in
the third paragraph, which claims that the government will have to cut taxes to
keep up with change, does not seem to follow from the previous statements
about Social Security and Medicare. The final paragraph only minimally
responds to the second part of the question by simply stating that working longer
will lead to boredom.
The sentence structure or syntax of this essay indicates that it was probably
written by a student for whom English is a second language. The author has
not sufficiently mastered basic English fundamentals of grammar or syntax.
For example, in the first paragraph, the phrase "this great advances" mixes a
singular modifier with a plural noun; in the sentence, "the average amount of
work force need to increase too," there is a disagreement between a singular
noun ("amount") and a plural verb ("increase"). The syntax of the following
sentence is awkward and unclear: "The society can not afford to let elder
people to stay on SSI benefit very long if the society were to let older people
to collect retirement benefit of age of sixty-five as of today."
Essay Paper I-E"
The notion of human being
living longer lifes, requires
to address the effects that it
will cause on society and
individuals. Some issues
worthy of mention that will
have an impact on society are:
over-population, need for
health care benefits, and the
need to restructure the Social
Security system. The effect
that it will have on my plans
and goals are beig jolted by
this phenomenun, because now, I
have to add working years to
may initial plan and increase
the savings for my retirement.
The overpopulation effect is
one that can not be taken
lightly, it needs the
cooperation from everyone,
because if people are living
longer years, those having
children should plan for a
smaller family and to do that,
some steps are necessary to
help them make that decision,
e.i. educating those resistant
to change and providing with
incentives to minimize the
family size (paid education for
1 child only).
The need for health care
benefits is also necessary to
consider, because as people get
older the need for health care
increases, and if there is not
an adequate provision of these
services it may create problems
for society. Because . . .
. [essay not completed]
Commentary
Essay Paper I-E"
2 SCORE--INCOMPETENT: The scoring guide states that the 2 essay lacks
analysis, focus, direction, coherence, or completion. It is often characterized by
persistent errors in sentence structure, grammar, spelling, or usage.
Overall, this essay is not really developed; it is general, thin, sketchy, and
disorganized. It only states, without really developing the ideas, possible problems
resulting from overpopulation and the need for increased health care.
The syntactical flaws immediately evident in this essay indicate that English is
probably a second language for the author. The first sentence--"The notion of
human beings living longer lives, requires to address the effects that it will cause
on society and individuals"--is so syntactically twisted that its meaning is not
clear. In fact, practically every sentence in this brief essay is either awkward,
wordy, or unclear.
Essay Paper I-F"
I think that the lifespan
issue is very important to
every person, it reflect their
life and future. Almost
everybody doesn’t want to die,
especially from illness. The
more people live the more they
enjoy life if they are not ill.
It’s an excellent idea to find
a way to slow down the aging
process to extend the lifespan.
Families will be in a
stronger, healthier
relationship between the family
members, because the older
members are living longer and
healther, the younger members
will be less stressed and less
worried about the health
conditions of their loved ones.
Commentary,
Essay Paper I-F"
1 SCORE--INFERIOR: Readers are instructed to assign a score of 1 to papers
that show little understanding of the writing assignment, that provide no analysis or
development, or that fail to express even the most basic ideas comprehensibly.
This 1 paper does not deal with any specific social changes that would result if people
averaged life spans of 90 to 100 years, nor does it discuss the impact of any such
changes on the author's own plans and goals.
Instead of focusing on the writing assignment, the author simplistically states that the
longer people live the more they will enjoy life and that if older people are healthier,
their families will worry less. The author does not examine or support either of these
assertions.
In addition to lacking focus and development, the essay is marred by
ungrammatical, vague, and general sentences. For example, it is grammatically
incorrect to separate two complete sentences with a comma, as the author does in
the first two sentences in each paragraph.