My Dream-Travel Around the World

My Dream
Do you have a dream? What’s your dream? A nice job? A beautiful house? A sweet
family? Everyone has a dream, and my dream is to travel around the world. (We only
capitalize proper nouns in English.)
My father was a diplomat. I lived in Africa when I was 2 months old. (The two
previous sentences were fragments. Connect them or make them full individual
sentences.) I visited several countries with my family, such as America, Canada,
France, Holland, Germany, Spain and England.
Each time our airplane transited through Paris, we always took several days to visit
Disneyland. I liked to sail on the enchanted boat ride. I experienced the joys of
looking around at the scenes of different cultures and of creatively costumed dolls,
elaborate sets, unforgettable music and my favorite Disney characters. These
wonderful memories at the Small World exhibit inspired me to travel around the
world. (“Inspired me” and “have the intention” is repetitive.)
Moreover, my mother’s experiences have also inspired me immensely. After she
graduated from university, she studied in France for seven years. During her
wonderful youth, she made lots of foreign friends, tasted exotic foods, spoke different
languages and adapted to various cultures. Her stories sounded very interesting to me.
I hoped to have the same wonderful experiences as my mother. Therefore, I made up
my mind to travel around the world by myself someday.
If I could travel around the world, I would visit all the amusement parks first,
especially the five biggest Disneylands in the world. Besides, I want to enjoy eating
many kinds of delicious food and experience different customs and cultures
personally. Then, I want to visit all the tourist attractions in the world and view
marvelous sights. When I am old, they will become my most cherished memories.
Although I have traveled to several countries with my family, there are still some
strange places in the world waiting for my discovery. (This is common usage.) My
dream is to travel around the world, and the above-mentioned things are what I expect.
I hope my dream will come true in the very near future.
1. You have a very clear style and have only minor grammar issues to consider. You
obviously are very familiar with English usage. The challenge for you now is to apply
those rules more stringently to your writing.
2. Your essay is well structured. You might want to rethink your concluding
paragraph so that it comes across as an interesting part of your essay, instead of being
a throwaway reminder of your topic.
3. Try to make each sentence in every paragraph meaningful. If it has already been
said previously and adds no further information, cut the sentence from the paragraph.