January 8th 2011
Prepared by: Rasha Salib
School Counselor
Dear ASG parents:
Parenting Teenage Girls
Why is my daughter so different since she hit adolescence?
The most obvious difference between boys and girls when they hit adolescence is that
while boys tend to withdraw, girls engage and often they engage with a fight. That is
not to say that girls don't spend enormous amounts of time in their rooms, on the
computer, or talking on the phone, however, they tend to pick battles and fight with
their parents more often than teenage boys. Teenage girls struggle to regulate their
emotions, which often times feel overwhelming, confusing and "all over the place".
This is what creates those moments where you may witness (or more often be on the
receiving end of) yelling, hysterical crying and screaming. It may seem to come out of
nowhere, be very misdirected and may seem very over the top for the situation at
hand. This is normal (and extremely stressful).
Adolescent girls are dealing with many changes happening at once. First, they are
experiencing significant changes in their bodies with the development of secondary
sex characteristics, general growth and at times weight gain. This can be extremely
stressful for girls and can result in embarrassment, low self esteem and much
confusion. Second, they are dealing with new, sexualized feelings which also result in
behavioral changes. They care more about what others think of them (hence the hours
in front of the mirror), care more about what they are wearing, whether they "look fat"
and care about who is hanging out with whom. Third, they also begin to be seen as
sexualized beings by others their same age which is a major change that creates a new
level of self consciousness and peer pressure. Finally, they are seeking independence
which means putting friends and members of the "outside world" first versus seeing
their parents/family as the center of their world. That's a lot going on, right? It
certainly is and all of this can result in emotions that are confusing and strong.
Emotional dysregulation takes place when the response of an individual does not
appear to be "appropriate" for a particular situation. This often looks like an "over
reaction" to a situation or a prolonged emotional response to a situation. Emotional
dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the
safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on
the receiving end of it. At the end of this newsletter, I will offer some suggestions for
responding if you experience this with your teenage daughter.
I have often heard individuals say, "Teenage girls and their mothers never get along".
While this is a generalized statement, there is some validity to it. The reality is that
teenage girls are usually more attached to their mothers and therefore, in order to gain
independence, they need to work hard at breaking that attachment. Although there can
be a similar dynamic with fathers, relationships with adolescent girls and their fathers
tend to be less turbulent and outwardly emotional. So, with their mothers, girls work
January 8th 2011
Prepared by: Rasha Salib
School Counselor
hard at resisting the close connection they feel which ultimately causes them more
confusion and often a stronger emotional response.
If you are a parent experiencing this, it is certainly not fun and can be extremely
emotionally draining for you right? How could it not be? It is difficult to witness the
extreme emotions from your child and at the same time you don't really know what
they are actually struggling with, you can't fix it and you have to try to manage your
own emotions. Not an easy job at all! Sometimes understanding what is going on can
make things easier.
Basically, what your teenage daughter is doing is healthier than you may think. She is
working to disengage from you; however, she keeps you connected through the
fighting, the yelling and the screaming. She struggles to increase her independence
but also keeps her relationship with you strong through the fighting (this does not
necessarily feel good in the moment but it does maintain her connection to you). Your
daughter is ultimately getting support from you during these difficult battles even
though it is likely not the way in which you wish she would seek support.
Understanding this along with reviewing the tips at the end of this newsletter may
help you in those moments when you want to run out of the house, lock yourself in
your room or pull your hair out. Being a teenage girl at this point in time is not an
easy task - your daughter needs your support, consistency and validation even though
she will likely never ask for it.
This newsletter is meant to help you, as the parent, gain an understanding about what
may be going on for your child, which will help you make decisions that are best for
you and your family regarding how to deal with your teenage daughter effectively. I
do want to stress that while most girls go through this process safely, there are others
who experience significant difficulties during this difficult period of transition. Some
adolescent girls begin to use drugs and/or alcohol as a way of gaining confidence in
social situations, to "fit in" or for managing their confusing emotions. Others become
involved in negative peer groups and succumb to the peer pressures associated with
antisocial behavior such as bullying. Some become emotionally out of control and
become aggressive and violent. If you have real concerns about such behaviors, you
should consult with an expert who can help you determine if additional support or
help is needed.
Here are some techniques to try when your teenage daughter appears very emotional:
1. Validation: let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you
don't understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset.
Sometimes just feeling heard can make a very big difference in how your teenager
responds to you. Again - you don't need to agree or fully understand, just
acknowledge and validate how she is feeling.
2. Remain calm: this can be very difficult - especially if your daughter is yelling at
you or saying hurtful things. However, if you also become extremely emotional, you
will likely not have a productive interaction and you may end up feeling bad that you
January 8th 2011
Prepared by: Rasha Salib
School Counselor
said things you later regret. Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other
person lowering their voice and calming down.
3. Take space: if you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot
take space for yourself. A lot of parents I have worked with find that going into the
bathroom is the best way to do this (although each person should do what works best
for them). Whether you go to take a shower or bath or just pretend you need to be in
there doing something, often times this gives both the parent and the adolescent a
"cool off period" and prevents situations from escalating further. Children most often
will not bother others when they are in the bathroom with the door closed.
4. Don't feel you have to defend yourself: your teenage daughter may accuse you of
things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the
parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional
moment. Likely your teen is not going to be able to hear what you are even saying and
if they are able to hear it, they will likely not be able to effectively process it. If you
feel it is important to explain yourself (and often time it is not) then it is better to wait
and do this during a time when emotions are under control.
5. Teach your daughter calming techniques during non-emotional times: it is
often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer
during times when things are going well. I have worked with parents who were able to
come up with plans for their teenage daughters where they can ask to be left alone for
ten minutes to listen to music and calm down before continuing the conversation.
Other parents have worked with their daughters on deep breathing, counting to 10,
writing down how they are feeling first before yelling it, etc. These can all be
effective if discussed and reviewed during non-emotional times. You know your
teenage daughter the best and can likely help her find a technique or a couple
techniques that will work for her.
6. Love your daughter. (OK, you naturally do!) But remember to keep telling and
showing her that she is loved. It's surprisingly easy to overlook, and can turn your
daughter's whole outlook around.
7. If you need to demonstrate sympathy for her, be genuine. Her feelings are as
real as yours. Don't belittle her feelings if she appears to feel something deeply, like a
letdown at school or any other event in her life. Give her examples of what you went
through as a teenager and how you managed them to help her realize that there is light
at the end of the tunnel and that she can move on. (Although she may act like she
cannot believe you were ever her age!).
8. Although you give your daughter her space, she still needs your guidance and
attention. Teenagers need to know their boundaries, right from wrong, and discipline.
She will act and say they don't want your attention, but in reality, it's your
involvement that helps guide her into being a great woman.
9. Remember that although your daughter may be as tall or taller than you, and
looks like a woman, her brain is not completely grown. She does not think like a
January 8th 2011
Prepared by: Rasha Salib
School Counselor
grown-up. She may make some not-very-well-thought-out choices, she may be
impulsive, and she may do bizarre things at times. The reason is she isn't using all her
brain yet. So be patient; she'll get there.
10. Listen to your daughter. Although it's natural to want to constantly dispense
advice, encouragement, commentary, and question her, you're more likely to get
insights into her by really paying attention to what she is saying (or not saying) and
how she says it. She'll also be more likely to listen to you if she feels she's being
heard.
 Make it easier for your daughter to listen:
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Sometimes approaching her with a written letter given in person is a
persuasive method of getting her to 'listen' to what you have to say. She can
take the letter to her own space and read it in her own time. Give her a day or
two to digest it and to come up with her response.
When you're talking (or writing), address her directly. Don't bring in
information about other people or unrelated issues. Listen to what she has to
say and create an open environment without judging her.
Don't create comparisons, such as with a sibling. This will make her feel as if
she is a lesser person than someone else. That's not fair.
Admit when you're wrong--even if she wasn't right, either. A teenager can deal
with a parent admitting he or she is imperfect. This gives her the space to
reflect on her own contributions and lets her know that you are serious in
working things through. And it shows her respect.
11. Give your daughter choices whenever possible. Being a teenager is hard, as you
are at the mercy of adults. Having some power to choose almost always helps.
My final words to you:
As the parent, you know your daughter the best. Trust your instincts while allowing
yourself to be open to understanding what might be going on for her. One of the most
important things to remember while you are enduring the stress that can be associated
with parenting a teenager and while dealing with everything else in your life is that
you need to practice good self care. It is important for parents to stay connected to the
things that they enjoy and which bring them stress relief during a period which can
often times be unpredictable and chaotic.
Yours truly
Rasha Salib 
School Counselor
The Ahliyyah School for Girls