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Parts
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Dolly Trolley (Harry)
The dame: stewardess and Prince’s housekeeper.
Prince Arrogant/Beast (Mark)
Stuck up royal turns beastly.
Old Crone/Fairy Goodness (Steve)
Showbiz gossip obsessed cuddly fairy.
Beauty (Michelle)
Feisty youngest daughter of…
Captain Theobald
(Phil)
Syrup-wearing publican, also father to…
Mirabella (Lizzie)
Lazy, vain, bossy marriage-obsessedeldest daughter.
Dumbelina (Sandra)
Stupid middle daughter, can’t say ‘R’s.
Darius (Derek)
Insensitive beefcake, fancies Beauty.
Herbert (Tracie)
Darius’s sidekick and principal boy.
Lord Rupert (Cliff)
Mirabella’s snobby evil boyfriend.
Count Sven (Nick)
Dumbelina’s Swedish not-so-evil boyfriend.
Filly (Becky)
Beauty’s faithful ‘my little pony’ mare,highly intelligent but
mute with a terrible wind problem caused by Polos.
Mandy and Candy (Fuzz and Julie)
Air Stewardess colleagues of Dolly.
Randy (Fulvio)
Male counterpart of above.
Posh and Becks (Fuzz and Jonny)
Famous pair
Patsy, Eddy, Saffy (Fuzz, Julie, Nettie) Ab Fab rip offs.
Tousled Bimbo (Oonagh)
Morning-after fashion victim
Sharon (Oonagh)
Queen Vic barmaid.
Harry, Ron, Hermione (Jonny, someone, Helen)JK’s finest
Hagrid (Fulvio)
Huge and hairy
Dumbledore (Huw)
Looks a lot like…
Locations
Act 1 scene 1
Act 1 scene 2
Act 1 scene 3
Act 1 scene 4
Act 1 scene 5
Act 1 scene 6
Act 1 scene 7
Castle great hall/kitchen (front of stage could be the
outside)
The Prince Albert Tavern
The Prince Albert Tavern
Woods outside the Castle
Woods outside the Castle
The Prince Albert Tavern
The Prince Albert Tavern
Act 2 scene 1
Act 2 scene 2
Act 2 scene 3
Act 2 scene 4
Act 2 scene 5
Act 2 scene 6
Act 2 scene 7
Woods
Woods
Woods
Woods
Castle (the Woods are seen through the magic mirror)
Woods
Castle
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Story
Warm-up
Muzak playing as audience enters. Mandy, Candy and Randy usher and smile at the
entrance.
Dolly (offstage over PA): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please take your seats.
Dolly and stewardesses enter and take positions.
Dolly (over PA): Hallo everybody. My name is Dolly Trolley and on behalf of the cast and crew I’d like
to welcome you aboard this year’s panto production: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. For your comfort
and entertainment please take the time to read your programme and pay attention to the following
announcements.
If for any reason you need to leave in an emergency please use the exits at the front and rear being
indicated now by Candy, Mandy and Randy. Oh! They all rhyme! Isn’t Randy lovely! He’s my new
trainee.
Candy: Please turn your mobile phones off now. In the event of your mobile phone ringing you may
encounter some turbulence from others in the audience. During the interval we will be serving drinks
and snacks from the trolley.
Mandy: We would like to take this opportunity to practise the heckling drill. If you hear any of the
following phrases please respond as demonstrated now.
Randy: Look at the lovely faces out there. They’re going to be a great audience.
Mandy, Dolly: OH NO THEY’RE NOT!
Candy, Randy: OH YES THEY ARE!
Etc
Mandy: But my side are going to be much better then yours.
Candy, Randy: Oh no they’re not.
Mandy, Dolly: Oh yes they are.
Etc.
Dolly: Where’s Randy?
Mandy, Candy: BEHIND YOU!
Dolly: WHAT? OVER THERE!
Mandy, Candy: NO! OVER THERE!
Etc.
Randy: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, most of the people in the panto are very good but one is
a bit smelly. Whenever this character passes a windypop please follow the following drill, being
demonstrated to you now.
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Loud fart over PA
Mandy, Candy, and Dolly (holding noses and fanning faces): POOH! WHO CUT THE
CHEESE!
Randy: Let’s all practise that shall we? As soon as you hear this sound (loud fart over PA) POOH!
WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Mandy, Candy, and Dolly (holding noses and fanning faces): POOH! WHO CUT THE
CHEESE!
Dolly: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the cast and crew hope you enjoy this performance and
ask that you clap loudly and join in as much as you can. So… CABIN DOORS TO MANUAL. FLAPS
OPEN! WINGS OUT! GOGGLES ON! CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF. CHOCKS AWAY!
Dolly, Mandy, Candy and Randy exit, waving and smiling.
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Act 1 scene 1: Castle
Prince Arrogant enters, throwing a strop. A phone is ringing somewhere with a really
annoying geeky ring tone: Star Wars or X-Files or something.
Prince: Oh where is my phone? Where is it? (To audience) Have you got it? Where’ve you put it
you little oiks? I can’t leave anything lying around with somebody moving it!
Dolly enters, tying a pinny over her uniform, followed by a sheepish looking Randy. He
holds a big book called 100 handy hints for Air Stewards.
Dolly (to Randy): I don’t normally bring trainees home, but in your case I’ll make an exception. You
sit down here dear and I’ll come in a minute and go over the MANUAL with you.
Randy: Manual? (Notices the book) Oh I see what you mean.
Dolly: (Noticing the audience). Hallo again dears! What’s going on? Oh hark at him, Prince
Arrogant, my boss! Is he shouting about losing his phone again? Honestly, some people don’t know
how lucky they are, while the rest of us have to hold down two jobs just to keep ourselves in hairspray.
Looking this good doesn’t come cheap you know!
Randy looks worried and makes pukey faces.
Dolly (To Prince): Why do you need your phone, Prince?
Prince: I gave my number to Jordan last night and she said she’d call me. (Phone stops) Who’s this
Dolly? Another one of your ‘trainees’? Get him to put the kettle on.
Dolly: I would but it would never fit him. You’re so spoilt and bossy! Your name, Prince Arrogant, fits
you perfectly. It’s almost as if your parents – may they rest in peace – knew when they chose it.
Prince: How dare you speak to me like that! It’s probably your fault that my phone’s missing.
Dolly: Calm down, calm down. Don’t get your Sloggis all soggy. It must be here somewhere. Randy:
have a rummage. (Randy starts looking) (Tousled Bimbo enters – she’s clearly spent the
night and is somewhat the worse for wear.) Hello dear. Rough night was it? I’m not surprised
with HIM!
Prince: Pardon? Oh hell: she’s woken up. Get rid of her Dolly.
Dolly: (To Bimbo.) Come along dear. I’ll show you the way out. I’m sure the Prince is very
appreciative of all your hard work. He’ll be in touch.
Dolly leads the Bimbo off. Bimbo mugs and mimes ‘call me, ciao’ to Prince, who ignores
her until she finally leaves in tears. Randy finds last year’s Trigger Happy TV mobile.
Randy (Staggering under the weight. Incredulously): Is this your phone?
Prince (Bringing on even bigger Gameboy): Don’t want it now anyway! I’m going to play on my
Gameboy instead. (He sits down to play and pointedly ignores Dolly, Randy and everything
else.)
Dolly: Honestly. He likes a different girl every day: Tara, Jordan, Geri, Cat, Ulrika, Ann Widdicombe…
He’s like an issue of Heat magazine. (To Randy) We’re never going to get a moments peace in here.
I know. Why don’t you take the MANUAL up to my boudoir. (Dolly puts the book in his hands
and pats him on the bottom) It’s very big. Do you think you can handle it?
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Randy (Getting the point. Realising he must seduce Dolly to get on): Maybe we can discuss
my promotion prospects.
Dolly: I’m sure we can squeeze in a little performance review. While you’re up there take time to
admire my inner sanctum. (Randy exits. Knock on the door.) I’ll get that then shall I?
Dolly opens the door on an Old Crone (think Mrs Overall in a black cloak, bent over a
walking stick). The Audience does not see the Crone’s face.
Dolly: Yes what is it? Only his Royal Untidiness has trashed the place and I’m a bit pushed for time.
Crone: Hello Deary. Could you spare an old lady a drink of water and a place to rest her weary
bones?
Dolly: Depends. Is she anywhere about?
Crone: It’s me luvvy.
Dolly: I know dear. It was just my little joke. (Shouting at Prince.) There’s a lady here wants a
cuppa and a sit down – I’ll let her in. (To Crone, bringing her in.) You poor old thing. You don’t
look well. Oh. Crow’s feet too…
Crone: They’re not crow’s feet. They’re laughter lines.
Dolly: Nothing’s that funny.
Prince: I’m not having some smelly old hag in here. I want to practise my skateboard. (Starts to
look for it)
Crone: I need a rest. I’ve got acute angina.
Dolly: That’s very nice I’m sure… but the rest of you looks really rough.
Prince: I said no and I mean no. I’m the Prince after all.
Dolly (loudly, for the Prince to hear): I’m sorry ducks but he’s in one of his moods today, and he’s
a bit too big to put over my knee.
Crone: Just a little water please.
Prince (finding skateboard, pads and helmet): Hasn’t she gone yet? Do hurry up and chuck her
out Dolly. I want you to help me with my helmet. It feels a bit small.
Crone: Young man. You have made a serious mistake. You are obviously selfish and spoilt and care
nothing for others. It’s time you learnt an important lesson.
Prince: Oh yeah?
Crone:
You’re selfish and lazy
You drive Dolly crazy
It’s time to be nicer to chicks
You treat them like scum
And you don’t let them come
To your nights with Toms, Harrys and Dicks
So until you discover
Being kind to another
Is the way to make joy and not pain
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You’ll be smelly and hairy
‘Cos I am the fairy
And a beast you will always remain
Prince: What! You’re joking!
Crone: But there is one escape from this cruel fate. If you can earn the love of a good woman then the
spell will be broken and you will be turned back into a Prince.
Dolly: She’s obviously bonkers.
In a flash the Prince disappears offstage and the Crone disrobes to reveal herself as Fairy
Goodness.
Fairy: I am SO not bonkers. I am, like, a Fairy in disguise. Do you like my outfit? Blind nuns were up
last night making it. My name is Fairy Goodness and I have SO put a curse on the Prince.
Prince is screaming and howling offstage.
Dolly: I know he’s a pain in the… (Looks offstage) Ah! That’s awful. It’s all hairy.
Prince lurches across the stage with one huge hairy hand.
Dolly (to audience): Look at the size of that! It’s almost as big as Mr Grimes cricket bat.
Prince lurches the other way, clutching his face.
Dolly: Now who needs a good face wax!
Fairy: It’s all for his own good. You know what they say: no pain, no gain.
Prince crosses the stage again, this time with an Incredible Hulk ripped jacket.
Dolly: He seems to be getting bigger… All over! (She follows Prince offstage)
Fairy: I’m not made of stone you know. With the love of a good woman he can be saved from this
fate. After all, look at Posh and Becks. The right girl might be anywhere, even here. Might be you – no,
too young. You – already taken. (Points up at the umpire’s chair she’ll spend most of the play
sitting in.) Well I’m going to keep an eye on things from up there. (Phone rings: different ring
tone to the Prince’s. Something sugary and upbeat. Dances while gets it. Answers) Hello!
Fairy Goodness! Yeah? (To audience) Oh! It’s Nicole. She’s waiting for Robbie to turn up for a
date. (To Geri) No, he’ll be there. He’s probably missed the bus. You know the 5B is always late.
Call me later. Okay. Bye. (To audience) Now where was I? (Magics rosebush from wings) I
know. I’ll leave this magic rosebush here to help. If anyone tries to pick a rose I want you all to shout
out ‘ROSEBUSH! ROSEBUSH!’ and I’ll come and help. Can you do that for me? Let’s have a practise.
(Audience participation etc.)
(Climbing into chair. Holding a Hello magazine.) Well, bye for now but I won’t be far away.
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Act 1 scene 2: Tavern
Prince Albert tavern. Hanging sign above. There is a blackboard with ‘TODAY’S
SPECIAL: QUICHE’ written on it. A handwritten sign says ‘PRIVATE PARTY THIS
WAY’. Captain Theobald enters and starts opening up the bar.
Theobald: Hallo everybody. You’re a bit early. I’m afraid this tavern, my pub, the Prince Albert, isn’t
open yet. But I’ll be with you shortly. I’m Theobald, Captain Theobald, retired, and I’m a merchant and
the landlord here. My daughters, Mirabella, Dumbelina and Beauty, should be here already, helping to
open up. And I’m in a bit of a rush as there’s a private party in the function room. It’s a celebrity party.
(Picking a couple in the front row) So what’ll it be? Pint of best for you sir and a white wine for
the lady?
Eddie (offstage): This way sweetie darling…
Theobald: That sounds like them now.
Eddie and Patsy enter, followed by Saffy looking anxious.
Eddie: Sweetie, darling, sweetie. Come on. Got any champagne?
Patsy: Six more bottles each of Bollie and Stollie! And make it snappy!
Saffy: Mum! Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
Patsy (copying): Mum! Neeyah neeyah neeyah neeyah! Oh go away Saffy. You’re an affront to
nature.
Eddie: Yeah. Tell her Pats. Come on darling! (Theobald hands over a case. The Ab Fab pair
exit.)
Saffy (to Theobald): Make these the last please.
Theobald: Yes your majesty. (Saffy exits too.)
Beauty and Filly enter. Beauty ties Filly to the front of the stage.
Beauty: Hallo Daddy. It’s such a beautiful day. I’ve just been out for a ride on Filly.
Filly tosses her mane, neighs and stamps her hooves. She’ll do this repeatedly to
punctuate the dialogue.
Beauty: Shall I help you tidy up?
Theobald: Oh Beauty my darling, we’re in a bit of a rush… (indicates audience) Customers!
Mirabella and Dumbelina were supposed to be here and help me open up.
Mirabella and Dumbelina enter.
Mirabella: Excuse me! I’ll have you know we’ve been very busy. We’ve had our hair and nails done
and it’s taken ages to choose what to wear. Does my bum look big in this?
Dumbelina (remember she can’t pronounce her ‘R’s): Yeah Mirabella. Would it be Prada? St
Laurent? La Croix?
Mirabella: I see you’ve gone for Pwimark!
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Dumbelina: Dad! She’s being horrid to me!
Mirabella: Dumbelina: speak more proper. Roll your ‘R’s.
Dumbelina (looking very confused) rotates her pelvis.
Mirabella: Anyway, it was Dumbelina’s turn to open up today.
Dumbelina: But I did open up. I told you all my secrets…
Dumbelina pinches Mirabella.
Mirabella: She pinched me!
Beauty: Stop it you two. You’re as useless as a chocolate fireguard.
Theobald (going over to Filly): How’s Filly. Hello my lovely.
Filly flutters eyelashes and neighs.
Beauty: Daddy, please don’t give her any Polos. You know they make her…
Theobald (slipping a Polo in quickly): Just one won’t hurt…
Beauty, Mirabella, Dumbelina: NOOOOO!
Filly farts – loud over PA - and looks pleased with herself. Neighs and whinnies to Beauty
who understands what she’s saying.
All: POOH! WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Fairy: Come on boys and girls. That wasn’t very loud. Remember: you’ve got to say Pooh! Who cut
the cheese whenever Filly does a whoopsy. Let’s try it again.
Fart over PA
All: POOH! WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Fairy: Much better.
Beauty: Yes Filly. I know they’re your favourite but we’ll be opening soon and the smell is so
disagreeable, even if you are the most beautiful pony in the world! Yes you are… You lovely wuvly Filly
you…
Beauty gets a bit carried away with Filly, who performs a trick of some kind. Everybody
looks at them and Beauty suddenly notices, blushes and busies herself with tidying up.
Lights down. All exit.
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Act 1 scene 3: The Prince Albert Tavern
Lights up for the baddies’ entrance. Scary music. Rupert and Sven enter from the back.
Rupert talks menacingly to the audience. Insults a few. Sven’s not quite so nasty. They
offer sweets to children and whip them back. They put out their hands to shake but end
up thumbing their noses.
Theobald (re-entering with Mirabella and Dumbelina): Lord Rupert, Count Sven, you’re here
early boys. What can I get you?
Rupert (suddenly very slimy): My good Captain, I couldn’t bear to be apart from my darling
Mirabella for one moment longer.
Mirabella: And I couldn’t wait for my gorgeous, fit and dead-loaded Rupert to come back to me.
Rupert goes to Mirabella. She expects to kiss him on the lips but at the last moment he
pointedly turns her cheek to her. Mimes vomiting out of her eye line.
Sven: I wanted another mouthful of my little meatball Dumbelina. (Dumbelina just registers that
perhaps that wasn’t a compliment.) But I think it is Rupert’s turn to buy the drinks.
Rupert: Is it? Oh, Sven, did you finish your chores this morning?
Sven: What chores?
Rupert: Oh thanks. Mine’s a quart of Special Brew with a triple whiskey chaser.
Sven (caught out again, to Theobald): Okay, and I’ll have a Swedish coffee.
Theobald: What’s a Swedish coffee?
Sven: It’s like an Irish coffee, but your au pair gives you one. What would you like ladies?
Dumbelina: I’m not thirsty. (Reading the blackboard menu) But I’d like a quickie.
Mirabella: That says ‘quiche’, you dozy cow.
Rupert: I’ll have mixed grill with extra onions, mustard and chilli.
Theobald: And what about the vegetables?
Rupert: Except for Dumbo here they don’t seem to be hungry.
Theobald: Come and help me girls.
While the drinks are sorted Rupert and Sven conspire.
Rupert: Looks as though the preposterous wig-wearing Captain will be off on another sales trip again
soon. The nasty jumped-up Bar-Steward. Tradesmen are so common. And he’s a baldy.
Sven: Yes but he is rich. You’re a Lord and I’m a Count but we have no money.
Rupert: When we marry Mirabella and Dumbelina we’ll be rich too. But we mustn’t let them know
how poor we are now. They’re pretty enough but they’re both such common trollops. How come
they ended up with such a gorgeous little sister? She’s too good to be true. She needs sorting out.
Sven: I quite like her.
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Rupert: But you know the Captain won’t let her get married until after her sisters. I wish I could think
of a way to get all of Theobald’s money without marrying those trollops.
Sven: Do you know? I heard that Darius is going to ask Beauty out to garage night at the Honey Club.
Rupert: Darius! He’s nothing more than a jumped up poseur with a six-pack. He’s got no breeding.
No class.
Sven: And we’ve got no money.
Rupert (At the end of his tether): I’ll have to come up with a plan soon. I’m sick of being skint.
Oh dear. Here comes that fop Darius now.
Darius and Herbert enter to Hit me baby one more time. Darius inhales deeply from his
armpit. He loves his man-smell. Remember Herbert is a really a girl besotted with
Darius, but is masquerading as a boy to be close to him.
Dumbelina: All right Darius!
Mirabella: It’s Rose isn’t it?
Herbert (sotto voce): Shhhhhhh! It’s Herbert now.
Mirabella: Have you had one of those operations?
Dumbelina: Eeeeeeeyugh!
Herbert: No no. It’s the only way I can be really close to HIM!
Dumbelina: Do you fancy Darius then?
Mirabella: Duh!
Herbert: Course I do. But I haven’t plucked up the courage to tell him yet!
Darius: Well halloooooo ladies. I’m sensing a lot of love and harmony in the room.
Mirabella and Dumbelina: Oooooooooh!
Theobald: Well I’m afraid I’m busy so the love and harmony will have to wait. (Calls to Beauty
offstage) Beauty, can you get your annoying boyfriend out of my face while I serve his Lordship and the
Count here?
Beauty (re-entering): Dad! He’s not my boyfriend.
Darius: Well that can be changed. How about coming out with me tonight. I can tell instinctively that
you’re drawn to my sensitive nature. We could be so good together. I put the ‘grrrrr’ in swinger baby.
Beauty: I bet you say that to all the girls.
Herbert (very glum): He doesn’t you know. It’s you he really likes.
Beauty: Well I can’t make tonight. I’m having my hair cut.
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Darius: I don’t advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
Theobald is shocked by this and is about to speak…
Beauty (hustling Darius and Herbert out): See you later chaps.
Darius (to Herbert as he’s leaving): I’ll make it with Beauty, you see if I don’t. She needs me.
Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place
that wasn't human, she actually meowed.
Herbert (awestruck): You made a woman meow?
Darius: And I’m sensitive. Aren’t I sensitive? And caring. But still manly. A hunter. A provider. I’ll
be a great father…
Herbert (awestruck): You made a woman meow?
Darius (on a roll): By the time I’m 35 I’ll have installed my entire family in a row of mock-Tudor
mansions in The Drive, with three kids and a monster truck...
Herbert: I know you will. And I’ll be your co-driver, handling your gear stick and blowing your horn.
Darius looks confused as he and Herbert exit. He inhales from his armpit again to gain
confidence.
Beauty: I’m not going to end up with that over-inflated popinjay. I want a REAL MAN: someone
who’s interested in more than just appearances…
This makes Theobald jump as he adjusts his toupee in the mirror while he thinks he’s not
being watched.
Beauty: Daddy, why don’t you stop wearing that wig? Real beauty is on the inside, not the outside.
We don’t care that you are bald.
Theobald (blustering): But I’m not bald. This is a completely natural head of hair. Look!
Rupert and Sven: OH NO IT ISN’T!
Theobald: OH YES IT IS!
Etc. This leads into Theobald’s SONG, Theobald the bald
Theobald: Whatever! Anyway my darlings I’m off again on another trip. I’ve got an important deal to
close, one that will make us very rich. (Music: Dum Der Der Der) What shall I bring you back as
presents, my lovelies?
Rupert’s and Sven’s ears prick up.
Mirabella: I’d like a new Nokia phone
Theobald: A WAP phone?
Mirabella: No! A Nokia phone.
Dumbelina: Me too!
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Mirabella: You can’t have the same as me. You’re always copying me. And I asked first.
Dumbelina: All right then. I’ll ask my boyfriend. What shall I ask for, Sven darlin’?
Sven: You know what I like. Hardwood floors. Bent beech chairs. Tumblers. Dime bars. David
Beckham. Swedish meatballs with cranberry sauce...
Dumbelina: Oh. What would you want Rupert?
Rupert: It’s Rupert. RRRRRRRRUPERT! Roll your ‘R’s.
Once again, Dumbelina rotates her pelvis without understanding why Rupert wants her to.
Theobald (to Beauty): How about you my lovely. What would you like?
Beauty: All I really want is your safe return, but if you must bring back something, I’d like a rose.
Theobald: Oh. Righto! I’ll be off then. Back soon. Come on Filly. (Filly enters) You never know,
while I’m gone Lord Rupert might even buy a round of drinks. Now, to mount my faithful palomino.
Business while Theobald tries to jump onto Filly and Filly gets out of the way. Eventually
Theobald gives up.
Theobald: I think we’ll walk.
Theobald and Filly exit.
Mirabella: Quick Dumby. We’re missing Neighbours. (They exit.)
Rupert (conspiring): Sven, this is our chance. Did you hear what old Baldy said? A deal to make us
all rich. Well, we’re entitled to that. You know. Everything really does go over your head, doesn’t it!
We’ll ambush him on his way back and steal his money. No one will ever know it was us. Come on.
Let’s get ready.
Sven: Hmmm. I will finally be able to afford that new fitted kitchen. I can’t wait.
Rupert: You bleached-pine nincompoop! Come on!
Rupert and Sven sing their SONG. Money! All exit.
Fairy: Well this is going to be very interesting. (Phone rings) Better get that. It’s Geri again. (To
Geri) Hello darling. What? It came and went and he wasn’t on it! (To audience) Oh no! He stood
her up. (To Geri) Yeah. Go and get something to eat. What’s good right now? Hang on. I’ll ask the
audience. (To audience) What’s good at Little Chef right now? (Gets lots of responses,
hopefully. To Geri) Oh okay. Giant Yorkshire with Sweet and Sour. Ooh! And mini doughnuts for
pudding. But they’re on the kids menu. You’ll have to bob down. Oh. Okay. Bye bye bye. (To
audience) Bless her. Now where was I? I think we need to keep an eye on Lord Rupert: he’s a nasty
piece of work. And Sven! So, what do you think will happen next? Will good Captain Theobald get
home safely? He might if he doesn’t feed Filly any more Polos. Let’s catch up now.
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Act 1 scene 4: Woods outside the Castle
Trees. Theobald enters, leading Filly, who is laden with money and goodies.
Theobald: Well Filly old girl, another deal done. Now I’ll finally be able to marry off Mirabella and
Dumbelina and concentrate on finding a husband for Beauty. Let’s have a Polo to celebrate, only don’t
tell Beauty.
Filly eats the Polo and farts wildly – loud over PA.
All: POOH! WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Rupert and Sven enter wearing Zorro masks. They hide from Theobald and Filly but make
a great show of waving their hands in front of their faces and holding their noses.
Rupert (to Sven): Now to teach that jumped up barman a lesson. We, the aristocracy, will have all
the money and Capitan Theo-Baldy will be left with nothing.
Sven: Do we have to hurt him? Can’t we just scare him a bit?
Rupert: Yes. We’ll creep up on him and go BOO! Of course we have to hurt him. When I
advertised for an evil partner I was hoping to get someone with at least an ounce of menace. You’re
about as menacing as one of Mrs Jeffries mince pies.
Sven: Oh.
Rupert: No. We’ve got to make sure he remembers not to get ideas above his station. A few cuts
and bruises, the odd broken rib, will help him see sense. But if that stupid baldy keeps feeding Polos to
the nag, we may have to call the whole thing off. I feel seriously sick!
Sven: Me too! (Shouting) HALLO BALDY!
Theobald: What was that? You know Filly, I feel as is someone is watching me. Do you feel it? Do
you think there is anybody out there? Over there perhaps? Or over there?
Audience goes crazy with ‘BEHIND YOU’s etc.
Theobald: Oh well. I can’t see anything. Fancy another Polo, you naughty girl?
Rupert: Quick! Let’s go for it!
Theobald: Who are you and why are you wearing those cunning masks? You look a bit familiar. Do I
know you?
Rupert: Shut up Baldy and take it like a man!
Theobald: You’ll have to catch me first!
Chase. Benny Hill music. They close and fight. Batman signs: BIFF! POW! ZOWIE!
KABOOSH! OUCH! Filly quakes at side. Rupert and Sven eventually exit with the swag,
gloating. Filly runs off to get help. Theobald is left lying battered and dishevelled.
Theobald (rousing but very hurt, starting to stagger about): Oh what a terrible thing to
happen. Beaten up and robbed by ruffians whose cunning masks make them completely unrecognisable.
I’ve lost everything. I’ll be ruined. Filly: you’re my only hope. Go and get help. My poor girls won’t be
able to get married. I’ll be forced back to teaching Year Six at Stanford Juniors. Oh no! My toupee’s
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come off. (Puts inappropriate objects on head instead of wig.)
distance? A castle door. I must get help…
Page 14
But what’s that I see in the
Lights down as he crawls off.
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Act 1 scene 5: Woods outside the Castle
Theobald just reaches the door and knocks.
Dolly (offstage): Hang on. Just coming. Hold your horses.
Theobald (to audience): What horses? Filly’s gone.
Dolly (opening the door with a flourish): TADA! Yes Chuck?
Theobald: Sorry about the noise. Such large knockers…
Dolly: I beg you pardon? Oh I see. Deary me. You look a bit rough. Give me the name of your
hairdresser. I’ll avoid him at all costs. What do you call that hairstyle?
Theobald: Arthur. And I’m Captain Theobald. (He mumbles the last syllable of his name.)
Dolly: Sorry. Theo… what?
Theobald (Very embarrassed): Bald.
Dolly: Bald?
Theobald: Yes. Theobald. It’s just that I appear to have been ambushed. I was beaten up and robbed
in the forest. Everything’s been stolen. I’m in such a state. I… I…
Dolly: Oh you poor dear. I’ll get my basket. (She gets it. Strangely it contains some first aid
equipment and food. She walks out to help Theobald) Sit down and let me take a look at you.
(They sit) You’d better be quiet as the master’s not in the best of moods. Now let’s have a look at
those boo-boos. Come and let Dolly kiss them better.
Theobald: Dolly, eh? You smell nice.
Dolly: Thank you. I’ve got coconut conditioner on my hair.
Theobald: Wouldn’t that be better on your coconuts?
Dolly: Saucy. Your tummy’s very bruised. How are your waterworks? Could you fill up this bottle?
Theobald: What, from here?
Dolly: What you need is a bit of DLC.
Theobald: DLC?
Dolly: That’s Dolly’s Loving Care. Doesn’t your wife look after you?
Theobald: My wife’s passed on.
Dolly: What? She’s dead?
Theobald: No. She’s passed on to someone else.
Dolly (to audience): A single father, what luck!
Theobald: Were you ever married, Dolly?
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Dolly: Yes but he was horrible: he kept throwing sherry trifles at me.
Theobald: What did you do?
Dolly: We divorced. But I got custardy.
Theobald: I’ve raised my daughters alone and earn a living as a merchant, running the Prince Albert
tavern…
Dolly: I heard that the real Prince Albert actually had a Pr…
Theobald: Yes. I was coming back with the results of a big deal but now I’ve lost all my money. I
hope I can still persuade Lord Rupert and Count Sven to marry my two eldest Mirabella and Dumbelina.
But what of poor Beauty? How will I ever be able to find her a husband now?
Dolly (clutching Theobald tightly to her bosom): There there. Keep your hair on.
Theobald: Pardon?
Dolly: Tell Dolly all about it while I fix you a meal.
Theobald: I could do with something hot inside me.
Dolly: Couldn’t we all. I’ve got this egg.
Theobald: That’s not very much.
Dolly: It’s a French egg.
Theobald: Why is a French egg so special?
Dolly: Because, in French, one egg is un oeuf. Do you fancy a roll?
Theobald: I would but I’m still in a lot of pain.
Dolly: Apple puff?
Theobald: How do you make an apple puff?
Dolly: Chase it round the garden.
Theobald: You’ve laid on a lovely spread.
Dolly: Wipe it off then. This is clean on today.
Dolly busies herself preparing the food. Theobald realises he is in a garden.
Theobald: What beautiful flowers.
Dolly: Yes. The roses belong to the master. But everything else is mine. I spend all my time trying to
keep the rough hands of the local boys off my clematis.
Theobald: Well I’ve lost everything but I could still bring Beauty back the rose she wanted.
Theobald goes to pick the rose. The audience, with prompting from the Fairy if necessary,
start screaming ‘ROSEBUSH! ROSEBUSH!’ The Beast starts growling offstage.
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Fairy: This is all going according to plan. Now the Beast will meet Beauty’s father.
Beast enters. Very scary. Big and hairy.
Beast: What’s all this shouting? Who are you and what is your business?
Theobald: My name is Captain Theobald (mumbling second syllable again.)
Beast: Theo what?
Theobald: Bald.
Beast: Bald?
Theobald: Theobald…and I run the Prince Albert tavern…
Dolly: You know? The real Prince Albert actually had a Prin..
Beast: Shut up Dolly! This is my garden and that is my rose you are stealing.
Theobald: I meant no harm. I was only trying to pick a rose for my daughter Beauty.
Beast: So you dare to deny you are stealing. Off to the dungeon with you, spamhead!
Theobald: Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
Beast drags Theobald offstage.
Dolly (to Theobald as he is dragged off): Be brave. I’ll come and visit. (To audience) Just my
luck. A nice older gentleman turns up and the master drags him off to chain him up. That’s my line.
(Checks watch) Ooh that reminds me. Where’s Randy? (Exits.)
Fairy: Well. It looks as though the Beast still hasn’t learnt to be nice. That wasn’t very polite was it?
Let’s hope Beauty will somehow save the day. Captain Theo seems to have hit it off with Dolly. Aren’t
old people soooo cute! I could end up pairing off four people. I’m really good at this. AND I was right
about Rupert and Sven. They’re not just naughty, they’re MEAN. I hope they get beaten. But who’s
strong enough to take them on?
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Act 1 scene 6: Tavern
Darius and Herbert sit at a table, Darius idly, Herbert fervently watching Darius. Beauty
enters in a waterproof apron. She’s been cleaning up. She shouts back at Mirabella.
Beauty (To audience): I know: I’ll play a trick to teach Mirabella to be nicer to others. (She takes a
glass of water.) Mirabella! I have something for you!
Mirabella (entering in matching waterproof apron): Fanx! What can it be?
Beauty: I want to teach you a poem.
Mirabella: Oh. What is it?
Beauty: It’s a metrical composition in verse or prose usually concerned with feeling or imaginative
description. But that’s not important right now. Mirabella, say: ‘Busy bee, busy bee, what have you got
in the hive for me?’
Mirabella: Okay. Busy bee, busy bee, what have you got in the hive for me?
While Mirabella says this, Beauty fills her mouth with water. After a beat, to give the
audience time to realise what she’s going to do, she squirts it at Mirabella’s face.
Beauty (laughing): That’ll teach you to be so nasty. (She exits.)
Mirabella (spluttering): Why I’ll… (Looking cunning) Dumbelina, come into the bar.
Dumbelina (offstage): What is it?
Mirabella: It’s the counter in a public house across which alcohol or refreshments are served. But
that’s not important right now. Come in here. I want to teach you a poem.
Dumbelina (entering in another waterproof apron): I love poems. ‘It was on the good ship
Venus…’
Mirabella: Shut up. Say this poem: ‘Busy bee, busy bee, what have you got in the hive for me?’
Dumbelina: All right. Busy bee, busy bee, what have you got in the hive for me?
Once again, after Dumbelina says this, Mirabella squirts in Dumbelina’s face.
Dumbelina: Oh you…
Mirabella and Dumbelina look crafty.
Dumbelina: I know. Why don’t we play a trick on the audience?
Mirabella: Yeah. Boys and girls, say ‘Busy bee, busy bee, what have you got in the hive for me?’
Darius and Herbert jump out from the wings and soak Mirabella and Dumbelina – and
members of the audience - with Super Squirters. All exit. Lights down.
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Act 1 scene 7: The Prince Albert Tavern
Rupert and Sven enter from the back, removing their Zorro masks as they do so.
Rupert (Really, really slimy, to Sven): Finally, we’ve got the money to match our breeding. That
silly old fool will never know it was us.
Sven: Actually I do feel a bit guilty.
Rupert: Stop your snivelling. (Hits Sven.) You’ll get over it.
Sven: Get over what?
Rupert: It. How you feel.
Sven: Fine.
Rupert: No. It wasn’t a question.
Sven: What wasn’t?
Rupert: Oh God! I could be in this conversation all day!
Mirabella: Watcha gorgeous. Do you like this outfit?
Rupert: Lovely darling. Where did you get it? B & Q?
Mirabella once again tries for a full on kiss but Rupert diverts it to his cheek.
Dumbelina: You’re back too, my Swedish… Swede. Did you think of me while you was out?
Sven: No.
Dumbelina: Well, do you ever think of me? When you’re eating perhaps?
Sven: Not when I’m eating Dime bars. The chocolate is too crumbly. But sometimes, in the middle of
a Smorgasbord, you might come to mind…
Mirabella: Good trip?
Rupert: Excellent my dear! In fact, we’ve had something of a windfall and the drinks are on me!
Beauty, Darius, Herbert and any other pub people run in shouting: The drinks are on Rupert!
Herbert (digging Darius in the ribs): So! Going to the gym later are we? I could do with a good
workout! You can get sweaty and I’ll spot for you.
Darius: Oh yes. I’ll be lifting tons. Not like those tiny weights you do, you big girl’s blouse.
Herbert (Hiding her chest. Thinks her covers been blown): But I haven’t been doing this as
long as you.
Darius: You know they’ve had to put an extra weight on the chest press for me. I’ll never have Bingo
Wings. (prodding Herbert’s tricep)
Filly runs in, panting and farting with fear. Loud farts over PA.
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All: POOH! WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Beauty: Filly, what are you doing here on your own. Where’s Daddy?
Filly Whinnies and neighs.
Beauty: Calm down. Big breaths. What’s that? Daddy had done his deal and you were both walking
back through the forest… Daddy was feeding you Polos… Your bottom was, yes we know what
happens… Suddenly two masked robbers attacked you… They looked a bit familiar but your couldn’t
tell who they were… They stole your saddlebags… They hurt Daddy… You ran here to get help…
Sven: You don’t really understand what that nag is saying, do you?
Filly stomps deliberately on Sven’s foot and bites his hat. Sven shouts and can’t pull his
foot out from under. Beauty persuades Filly to lift her foot. They look very smug for a
moment.
Rupert: That horse needs reining in. I could sort her out for you. There’s always space in the glue
factory.
Beauty: No. We need to rescue Daddy. Filly can show us the way. Who’s coming with me?
Sven: But Lord Rupert’s buying a round of drinks.
Rupert: Surely you’ll have one with us? Anyway, how do we know that the nag’s ‘telling the truth’?
(Rupert does that annoying scare-quote sign with his fingers)
Sven: Silly baldy Captain.
Rupert: He’s probably just wandered off in a daze as usual.
Beauty: What! I don’t like your attitude.
Rupert: It wasn’t my h’ attitude; it was his ‘at it chewed!
Rupert: Come on. What does a man have to do to get served round here? I demand to have some
booze. Bring me the finest wines available to humanity.
Mirabella: Mine’s a babycham!
Dumbelina: Me too!
Beauty: Right. If you’re not coming with me then I’ll go with Filly.
Bar crowd ignore her. They continue to shout orders.
Beauty: Come on Filly.
Beauty and Filly exit, completely ignored again.
Mirabella (looking offstage and shouting): I’m rushed off my feet here.
Herbert: Where’s your new barmaid? (Aside to audience) She’s come to us because there was no
part for her in the East Enders panto.
Mirabella: Sharon! Can you come and give us a hand? It’s getting very busy out here.
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Sharon enters wearing appropriately awful clothes and jewellery. She pouts. Starts
serving.
Sharon: What are you drinking Darius?
Darius: Martini: shaken not stirred.
Herbert: You’re so manly! (Darius is surprised to hear Herbert say it.)
Darius: I wish Beauty thought so.
Mirabella: You don’t want her. She’s a pony-obsessed goody-two-shoes swot!
Dumbelina: She’d rather muck out then muck about.
Mirabella: And she picks her nose.
SONG. Look at me, I’m Bee-ooty. Everybody joins in.
Sven: Where is Beauty anyway?
Dumbelina: Didn’t you notice? She left ages ago with Filly to look for Daddy.
Rupert: That reminds me. Why do bald men paint rabbits on their heads?
All: I don’t know. Why do bald men paint rabbits on their heads?
Rupert: Because from a distance they look like hares? You know, on reflection, it’s probably not that
safe in the woods for a young girl with nothing but a smelly horse.
Sven: Especially when there are two masked robbers at large.
Darius: What are we waiting for then? Let’s go and help her!
Herbert: Don’t you want to finish your drink with me?
Darius: Don’t you realise? This is my moment, my perfect moment. (To Everybody) Are you with
me?
All exit except for Sharon who tends bar, and Rupert and Sven, who plot evil.
Rupert: Let’s use the rescue party as a cover. We’ll split up, find the Baldy Captain and shut him up
once and for all!
They exit.
Fairy (climbing down of chair and walking to centre stage):
Gosh. That was exciting. Like Corrie or ‘Enders,
With fighting and shouting and love for both genders.
Now its time for a break, for tea and a cake,
Relieve all our bladders for our good health’s sake.
In this intermission please spend lots of cash
On food and on drink. Please act really flash.
If you’re having a birthday, tell Candy or Mandy.
We’ll sing you a song, before feeling Randy.
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Interval
The Stewardesses wander among the audience serving refreshments from their trolleys,
which have big bin-bags on each end for rubbish. Candy looks demented and brusquely
demands each audience member to choose between chicken or fish. Mandy is oily sweet
(Valium and Prozac) and enquires ‘Tea or Coffee’. Randy turns up looking dishevelled: he
explains he’s got away from Dolly for a while. People visit the loos, the bar etc. Huw
announces the birthdays and sings Happy Birthday.
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Act 2 scene 1: Woods
Scenes 1 to 6 involve journeys through the woods. Stagehands walk past holding scenery
trees as the cast moonwalk on stage.
Spotlight up on Beast, hunting. Soft toy pulled across the stage on string. V. scary. Lots of
growling. He gets a thorn in a paw (‘Aaaargh! I’ve got a thorn in my paw!’) and roars in
pain. Off.
Beauty and Filly enter looking a bit lost. Filly is tired and in a strop.
Beauty: Oh Filly, I’m hoping you remember the way. Poor Daddy!
Filly neighs, stomps her hooves and shakes her head.
Beauty: I know you’re tired my lovely. It can’t be much further. We must help Daddy.
Filly digs her heels in and refuses to budge. Think Thelwell pony.
Beauty: I’ll give you a polo.
Not interested. Beauty gets exasperated but finally gives in.
Beauty: Okay. I could do with a quick rest myself. I’ll just close my eyes for a couple of minutes.
Both fall asleep. Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione enter.
Harry: I think this is where I dropped it. Spread out and let’s see if we can find it.
Hermione: Well it’s not as if we can look for it!
Ron: Of course we can’t look for it. It’s an invisibility cloak!
Harry: Come on. We’ve got to find it quick. If Snape finds us out here, it’s detention for the lot if us!
They spread out to find it. Hermione notices Beauty and Filly.
Hermione: Shhh! I’ve found a sleeping horse. And a muggle!
Ron: What? A muggle!
Beauty and Filly wake up. Filly is nervous but doesn’t fart.
Beauty: Who are you!
Harry: I’m Harry Potter and these are my friends Ron and Hermione.
Hermione: How come you never say Hermione and Ron?
Ron: Shut up! (To Beauty.) And you’re a muggle!
Beauty: Oh no I’m not.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: OH YES YOU ARE!
Harry: Listen. We are looking for a special cloak I dropped somewhere around here.
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Beauty: What does it look like?
Hermione: That’s the problem. It’s invisible.
Beauty: I’ll try and help you find it. But will you do something for me too. I’m looking for the Beast’s
castle.
Ron: Fair doos.
Dumbledore and Hagrid enter.
Dumbledore: Ah Harry. I thought I’d find you here.
Hagrid: ‘Lo Harry.
Harry: Ooh! Professor Dumbledore.
Hermione: We can explain…
Dumbledore: No need. No need. Would this be what you’re looking for?
Dumbledore holds out the invisible cloak.
Hagrid: Yes. I found it when I was out walking Fluffy. Oh he’s a naughty little scamp, that ‘un. With
those three noses he can sniff out anything. One waft and he can tell your religion as quick as look at
you.
Dumbledore (Coughing to shut Hagrid up): Thank you Hagrid.
Hagrid: Only yesterday I was saying to Nearly Headless Nick, I said…
Dumbledore (interrupting emphatically): Thank you Hagrid. This is a very special invisibility
cloak. (Aside to the audience) Or an incredibly cheap prop. (Back to the Hogwarts pupils.)
You must look after it better next time. Now run along small children.
He hands over the cloak.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: Thank you Sir. (They exit.)
Beauty: But… but… Hold on: I thought you were going to tell me the way…
Dumbledore: …To the Beast’s castle. Yes. I was talking to Fairy Goodness only yesterday. And of
course you’re Beauty. You want to rescue your father don’t you? The castle is that way. And
remember. Don’t be scared of what you find there. Everything will be all right.
Beauty (Confused): Thank you.
He points the way and they all exit.
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Act 2 scene 2: Woods
Mirabella, Dumbelina, Darius and Herbert enter.
Darius: Only another ten miles and we’ll be in sight of the castle.
Herbert: Ten miles is nothing when you’re leading me. Every step you take. Every move you make.
I’ll be watching you.
Mirabella: I wish I hadn’t worn these shoes. My feet are killing me.
Darius: Now which way to go?
Herbert: Weren’t you in the Scouts. I’d love to see your woggle. Dib dib dib!
Dumbelina: Eurgh! I’ve trodden in something brown and sticky.
Mirabella: Keep it away from me.
Herbert (squeaky): What is it? (Coughing, gruffly) What is it?
Dumbelina: A stick.
Darius: We must go on. We should be there by sunset.
Dumbelina: I hate the dark. It’s so scary. Do you have any…?
Darius: PROTECTION? YES I DO! (Produces toothpaste tube)
Dumbelina and Mirabella sing Blisters, blisters then they all do the sick bucket chain gag
Exit.
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Act 2 scene 3: Woods
Rupert and Sven enter. Walk round the stage being evil.
Sven: You know. I’m sure I’ve seen that tree before.
Rupert: We seem to be going round in circles. Let’s stop and have a quick nip of brandy. Planning evil
always me thirsty.
Sven does the clichéd cough when he tastes the brandy: it’s so strong.
Rupert: You really are quite pathetic! Now by my reckoning the others are ahead, but if we find this
shortcut I know we could be in front. This is almost too easy. It’s like taking candy from a baby.
Posh and Becks enter. Becks is holding an innocuous box. Sven mouth is open-mouthed:
ogling Posh throughout.
Posh: Darling. I don’t think Brooklyn can see us here. Quick. Get them out then, Golden Balls.
Becks: All right! Now do you fancy the toffee one or the chocolate one?
Posh: I don’t care. Just Hurry up!
Becks: I can’t choose. Hang on. Ip dip sky blue who’s it not you…
Posh: David! We have got just two minutes to eat these. Would you please just open your gob and
shove one in.
Rupert (to Sven): Time for cunning plan number two. (To Posh) Good day. It’s Mrs Beckham isn’t
it?
Posh: Ooh crikey! Look. We don’t normally do this. I… er… oh… David: Say something.
Becks (holding out box): Fancy a creamy cake?
Rupert: I don’t mind if I do. (Takes a cake)
Posh: Only we don’t allow Brooklyn to have these. Look. You won’t tell anyone. It’s not good for
our image.
Rupert: My dear lady, my lips are sealed. (He takes a huge bite of a cream cake)
Becks: Thanks mate. We don’t want the tabloids getting hold of this.
Rupert: Of course. We understand completely. Don’t we Sven?
Sven: Who? What? Oh no. I mean Ja!
Becks: Can we give you a lift somewhere? The Jag’s parked over there in a clearing.
Rupert: Excellent. Most excellent. We are a little late for our luncheon at the castle. (To Sven)
We’ll be there even earlier. (To Becks) Do lead the way. (Taking Posh by the arm) Now tell me
Mrs Beckham. Were you very upset by Kylie beating you to Number one?
They all exit.
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Act 2 scene 4: Woods
Beauty and Filly enter.
Beauty: I wish that Dumbledore had given me better directions.
Dumbledore and Hagrid enter.
Hagrid: …and the man in the pub gave me this egg and it hatched into a baby dragon. I’m going to call
it Norbert.
Dumbledore looks annoyed.
Dumbledore (blustering): A dragon!
Hagrid (shamefacedly): I shouldn’t have told you that.
Beauty: Professor Dumbledore. How lucky that I’ve bumped into you. I’m lost.
Dumbledore: You’re not lost my dear. We’ve just found you. Fancy a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour
Bean?
Beauty: Thank you. But we really need to get to the castle quickly.
Dumbledore: No problem. How about a spell? We can get the children to help us. You’ll help us
won’t you boys and girls?
Etc.
Dumbledore: Repeat after me…
Widdly diddly
Scratch my itch
Get Beauty to the Castle
At the speed of the golden snitch.
Whoosh! Big explosion. Blackout.
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Act 2 scene 5: Castle
Lights up on Beauty and Filly inside the castle. The castle has been magically transformed
to match Beast’s change. In particular, the lights on the walls are held by human (stage
hand) hands. Filly looks terrified.
Beauty: Thank you boys and girls!
Dolly (entering): Oh… Hallo!
Beauty: Hallo. I’m Beauty and this lovely pony is Filly. It’s okay Filly. Don’t be scared. (To Dolly.)
We’re looking for my father, Captain Theobald. He’s a lovely man who wears a very obvious wi…
Dolly: Yes. I’ve seen it. I mean him.
Beauty: He was beaten up and robbed. But the people in the forest told me he could be here.
Dolly: Your father – and he is a lovely man – is here, but the Master has locked him up in the dungeon.
I’m Dolly, the housekeeper. We’ll have to be careful or else we’ll all be locked up too.
Beast (shouting off stage left): I’VE FINISHED! CAN YOU COME AND WIPE MY B…
Dolly (quick thinking, calling back to Beast): I’m just dealing with the rubbish. Won’t be a
moment.
Beauty (incredulous): Is that your boss?
Dolly: It’s a long story.
Beast (offstage): I’VE FINISHED!
Dolly: Yes. Yes. I’m coming. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. (To Beauty) I’ve got the key to the
dungeon. Wait here and I’ll go and get your father.
Beauty: But what about your boss?
Dolly: Don’t worry. He’s not going anywhere. (She exits SR)
Beauty and Filly listen to the following conversation, looking by turns intrigued and
disgusted.
Beast (offstage): FINE THEN! I’LL WIPE IT MYSELF. WHERE’S THE PAPER?
Dolly (offstage): For goodness sake. It’s behind you!
Beast (offstage): WHERE?
Dolly (offstage): Behind you!
Beast (offstage): OH NO IT ISN’T!
Dolly (offstage): Oh yes it is!
Dolly enters, leading a bedraggled and sorry looking Captain Theobald.
Beauty: Oh Daddy! Filly came and raised the alarm. I’ve been so worried about you. Are you all
right?
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Theobald: I am now. Thanks to Dolly’s ministrations.
Dolly: Ooh you! It was nothing.
Theobald: If I ever get my hands on those two.
Beauty: Who? The robbers?
Theobald: Yes. And they seemed strangely familiar.
Dolly: Did you get a good look at them?
Theobald: Well. There were two of them. One had a foreign accent, but sounded quite nice really.
The other was awfully posh and really nasty.
Beauty: How tall were they?
Theobald: The posh one was about a tall as… as… Lord Rupert. You know, with his way of walking
about like all the world’s beneath him. The other one – the one who talked funny – was more the size
of… well, Count Sven I suppose. They both wore masks. I wonder who they were though?
Filly’s exasperated neigh erupts at Beauty.
Beauty (to the audience): Do you think they were Rupert and Sven, boys and girls?
Filly mimes ‘Duh!’
A very loud clunking toilet flush is heard offstage. Everyone looks worried. Beast enters,
pulling a wedgy out of his pants.
Beast (to Dolly): Where were you? What! I didn’t give you permission to release the prisoner.
Fairy: I think I’m going to stop the proceedings right there.
Fairy Goodness climbs down from her chair and approaches the stage as she waves her
magic wand and everybody onstage freezes. Shoes in the air?
Fairy: Bingo! She’s the one! I just need to find a way to get them together and fall in love. I know!
Fairy unfreezes Dolly. She casts a new spell on her.
Fairy (to Dolly): You are now within my power.
Dolly (squeaky robot voice): I am now within your power.
Fairy: You will do precisely as I say.
Dolly (srv): I will do precisely as you say.
Fairy: You will suggest that Beauty is swapped for her father.
Dolly: I will suggest that Beauty (starting to come to) is swapped for her father? You mean I’ll lose
the lovely Captain?
Fairy (frantically reweaving spell): You are now within my power.
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Dolly (squeaky robot voice): I am now within your power.
Fairy: You will do precisely as I say.
Dolly (srv): I will do precisely as you say.
Fairy: Now don’t you make trouble. I’ll see you right. (Climbing back into her chair) I really
hope this is going to work. Let’s all cross our fingers. And our legs. And our arms. And our toes.
And our eyes. Ah! That’s better. Now let’s unfreeze them.
The spell is reversed. Everybody on stage unfreezes.
Dolly (shouting out uncontrollably): LET’S KEEP BEAUTY AND LET HER FATHER GO!
(Amazed) Where did that come from?
Beauty: YES! You’ve suffered a terrible ordeal Daddy. I’ll stay.
Theobald: No Beauty. You can’t.
Beauty: I can and I will.
Theobald: Ooooooh! You were always too strong-willed for me. (Whispering to Beauty) I’ll go
back to the Prince Albert to get help.
Beauty: Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.
Beast: YES! (To Beauty) You’ll suffer ‘cos you’ll be here. (To Theobald) You’ll suffer ‘cos she’ll
be here. (Archly, to Dolly) And you’ll suffer ‘cos he won’t be here.
Dolly: No. No. Why did I say that?
Beast: BE GONE!
Theobald: Asta la vista Baby. I’ll be back.
Dolly (parting from Theobald): I’ll never forget you…
Theobald exits with Dolly following, sniffing and waving a handkerchief. Filly is quaking
again.
Beauty and Beast exchange looks. Beast is scary. Beauty’s feistiness is almost buried
under fear.
Beauty: So how long have you lived in this castle?
Beast: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Filly runs away. Beauty tries to follow.
Beast: Stay where you are!
Beauty (pause): Have you been to the Seven Dials Restaurant?
Beast: I only eat raw meat. Freshly killed. With some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Beauty: Oh. I’m very skinny. There’s not much meat on me. (Sucking in her cheeks.)
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Beast: I’ve got plans for you. Come with me.
She hesitates.
Beast: NOW!
They exit.
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Act 2 scene 6 Woods
Dolly: Hello everybody. I had to come out the woods to cheer myself up. (Dumbledore and all
the Hogwarts pupils (teachers) enter.) Hallo. Who are you?
Dumbledore: We’re out on our Hufflepuff House nature ramble.
Dolly: Really? What are you looking for?
Dumbledore: Well they’re small, brown, round and shiny. They’re…
SONG: CONKERS! Audience take sides and many sweeties are thrown.
Madam Hooch (shouting offstage): Hufflepuff! It’s time for you flying lesson!
All off.
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Act 2 scene 7 Castle
Beast enters followed by Beauty and Filly. Beauty dragging Filly
Beauty: Don’t be scared Filly. I’m sure the Beast won’t hurt you. Will you Beast?
Beast: Hurt! You don’t know anything about hurt! My paw’s been hurting for ages.
Beauty: Let me have a look at it. (Manipulating it.) Oh it’s got a big thorn stuck in it. I’m going to
have to squeeze it.
She squeezes it. Yellow or green silly string mimics puss escaping violently into the air.
Beast roars. Starts whimpering.
Beauty: Don’t be a baby.
Filly sticks her tongue out. Beast pull himself together. Starts to be manlier and a bit
nicerer.
Beast: What kind of pony is Filly anyway?
Beauty: She’s a Shetland Lipizaner cross.
Beast: How strange. I had one of those when I was a child. She used to love Polos.
Filly’s ears prick up. She comes out from behind Beauty. Beast pulls a packet of Polos
from a pocket.
Beauty: No! Whatever you do, don’t give her Polos.
Beast: I’ll give her Polos if I want to. Just one won’t hurt.
Filly’s a tart, easily bought by Polos. Nasal whinny. Fluttering eyelashes. Pawing hooves.
All over Beast. Farts outrageously. Loud over PA. Likes it.
All: POOH! WHO CUT THE CHEESE!
Beauty (glossing over): Did you have any other pets as a child?
Beast (excitedly but visibly softening): Well, actually, I had two gerbils, three hamsters – Brandy,
Truffles and Honey – seventeen guinea pigs (but I called them cavies), a lovely chinchilla, seven cats –
Pookie, Nicky, Wookie, Ticky, Trotsky, Nelson and Gobbolino – and a long –haired golden retriever
called Tasker. But I was only a boy then.
Beauty: So you were a boy… once. Don’t you like animals any more?
Beast: I do still watch Pet Rescue. In fact I have it taped for me when I’m abroad.
Beauty (To audience): Anyone who loves animals can’t be all bad. (To Beast) It must be awfully
lonely here. How do you spend your days?
Beast: On my own. I play on my Gameboy. Play snake on my mobile. And I’ve got a season ticket for
Withdean.
Beauty: That doesn’t sound very exciting. But I daresay that once we get to know each other we’ll
find things in common.
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SONG. Something Stupid. Beast grunts unintelligibly in the punch line. Swanee whistle
and kazoo duet. Filly does a tap dance and exits to rapturous applause. Ends with a
moment of loving realisation from Beauty and the Beast.
Beauty: That was lovely. I felt very safe in your big hands.
Beast: You know what they say. Big hands, big…
Beauty: …Gloves. You know. I’m not scared of being here with you. But I’m so worried about
Daddy. I do hope he gets back to the Tavern safely.
Beast: I can see how worried you are. You’re all of a quiver.
Beauty: If only I could know for sure that he’s okay.
Beast: Well, I do have a magic mirror, that lets you see the people you love, even when they’re far
away.
Beauty: Get it out then.
Beast gets the mirror.
Beauty: It doesn’t look very magic to me.
Beast: You have to say the rhyme first.
Beauty: What rhyme?
Beast: Repeat after me:
Magic mirror hear my plea.
The ones I love please let me see.
Big sound effect that ends in a damp squib. Nothing else happens.
Beauty: It’s not working.
Beast: I haven’t used it for a long time. We probably weren’t loud enough.
Beauty: I know. We could get the boys and girls to help us. You’ll help us won’t you children?
Children agree. Maybe do a dry run to get them loud enough. Or even say the whole
rhyme through twice.
Beast: Repeat after me:
Magic mirror hear my plea.
The ones I love please let me see.
So show me please I’ve asked you twice.
Just do it quick and I’ll be nice.
Big sound effect. Through the mirror, Beauty sees Captain Theobald enter. Either it will
be set side-on in the centre of the stage, so that Beauty and Beast standing SL can see the
action SR; or it will be set face on, so that B&B can see the action taking place in the
audience.
Beauty: There he is! Oh no he looks a bit lost.
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Through the mirror, they see Theobald, Rupert and Sven enter.
Theobald: At last! Familiar faces. Lord Rupert. Count Sven. You must help me. Beauty is in terrible
danger.
Rupert: Calm down old man. You’re becoming hysterical. I might have to slap you.
Sven: You’ll frighten the wildlife.
Beauty: You’ve got to help me Beast. Those are the two villains that beat Daddy up!
Rupert: Did you hear something?
Sven: I don’t think so.
Rupert: I could have sworn I heard a woman’s voice.
Beast: Speak a bit quieter Beauty. The mirror’s feeding back. (Adjusts the mirror. Like a roady.)
One two one two.
Sven: Well I can’t hear anything now.
Beast: That’s better.
Theobald: She’s locked up in that castle with a monstrous beast.
Rupert: Have you been drinking the beer slops again?
Theobald: No. You’ve got to believe me. We must rescue her. Who knows what could happen.
Rupert: A monstrous beast?
Sven: Do you think we should wait for the others?
Rupert: I’ve never run away from any danger! I’m not scared of this so-called beast. If it even exists
that is! Come along old man.
Theobald: Oh thank you! Thank you! Is it this way or that way? It’s this way.
(Theobald wanders off followed by Sven.)
Rupert: I like the sound of this castle. I’ll need somewhere decent to live, with my newfound wealth. I
can kill the Beast and force Beauty to live with me as my chattel.
Rupert exits.
Beast (as he puts the mirror away): They’ve gone. But the reception was good don’t you think?
I’ve thought of getting cable but I’m still happy with the mirror. Though I would like to watch the
Simpson’s every day…
Beauty: Shut up! This is terrible. I’ve got to help him. Oh what can I do?
Beast (snapping out of his techno geek mode): Don’t worry Beauty. I’ll do anything I can to help.
Let’s go and find him.
They exit.
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Fairy: OH MY GOODNESS! The Beast is kind after all. Let’s hope Beauty and the Beast can find the
Captain before Rupert and Sven do anything horrible to him.
Theobald, Rupert and Sven enter. Theobald is a headless chicken.
Rupert: So where are Beauty and this terrible ‘beast’ then?
Sven looks relieved.
Theobald: They’re gone! Gone! GONE! THEY’RE NOT HERE!
Rupert: Thank you. Your powers of observation are amazing.
Theobald: We’ve got to find them. Perhaps the Beast’s locked Beauty in the dungeon. He could be
torturing her at this very moment. You must help me. (Starts looking. Exits.)
Rupert: What sort of person would live here? Obviously someone with a keen eye for interior design.
Sven: Look at this amazing neo-Georgian coving coupled with flocking anaglypta. And what a gorgeous
thing.
Rupert: Look at all these books. This so-called Beast is more like a bookworm. Ha ha ha!
Sven: Well let’s look at the evidence.
Dolly and Filly enter.
Dolly (to Filly): The master’s very fond of Polos. I’m sure he keeps some in here. (Sees Rupert
and Sven) What! Who the heck are you?
Filly is absolutely crapping herself. She hides behind Dolly.
Dolly: What’s wrong Filly?
Rupert (smarm): Oh my dear. I’m looking for the lady of the house. Is your mother in?
Dolly (completely won over): Oh young man! I’m the housekeeper. How can I help you?
Rupert: I’m…er…from the estate agents Fleeceyouwell Brothers. I have an appointment to come and
value your delightful property. This is my assistant, Sven.
Sven: God Dag madam. I’m just taking some measurements. (Pretends to measure.)
Dolly: Funny. The master never mentioned…
Theobald enters.
Dolly: You! You’ve come back for me!
Filly runs over to Theobald.
Theobald: Where’s Beauty?
Dolly: What do you mean? She’s here.
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Theobald: I could at least write Beauty a note. (Patting pockets) Paper. Pen. (To
Dolly) Do you keep stationery?
Dolly: Well sometimes I wriggle about a bit. But Beauty is here.
Rupert: Oh no she isn’t.
Dolly: Oh yes she is.
Etc.
Beauty: Oh yes I am. (Runs to Theobald) Oh, Daddy, Daddy!
Theobald: Beauty, Beauty!
BOTH: You’re all right. Thank goodness.
Rupert: (aside) And now it’s time to put my plan into action. Ah, Beauty, you are looking charming as
always.
Beauty: Get away from me you creep. Daddy it was Rupert and Sven who attacked you. And now
they plan to kill the beast. He’s my friend. Don’t let them hurt him.
Theobald: It was you who attacked me!
Rupert: Yeah, and what are you going to do about it, slaphead?
Theobald: Here Dolly. Take my wig.
Dolly: My hero. You’re SOOOOOOO manly.
Theobald raises his fists at Rupert and hops about pathetically
Rupert: You’re a big man but you’re out of shape. With me it’s a full time job. Now behave yourself.
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Theobald: You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who else are you talkin’ to.
You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who do you think you’re talking to. Oh yeah? Huh? OK.
Theobald goes for Rupert, who blows him over OR produces a gun that says Bang!
OR shouts “BANG!” and Theobald faints.
Rupert: (laughs horribly)
Dolly drags Theobald to side to tend to him.
Beauty: Oh why can’t you pick on someone your own size?
Darius enters followed by Mirabella, Dumbelina and Herbert.
Darius: I know what you’re thinking. You’ve got to ask yourself one question. “Do I feel lucky?” Well,
do ya, punk? So where’s this scary beast then? I’m READY for a FIGHT!
Huge roar through microphone. Darius squeals with fear and they all run off (or to floor).
Rupert: Sven, you lock this useless lot in the dungeon and leave them to rot.
Dolly: Well I never…
Rupert: And use plenty of chains on those two.
Dolly: Ooh, things are looking up.
Rupert: (grabbing Beauty) Except this little flower. Now Beauty, you and I can live together - here happily for EVER.
Big roar and flash. Beast enters. Another roar. Sven runs over and hides behind Rupert.
Beast: Leave her alone.
Rupert: I’m not afraid of you.
Beast:
Let Beauty go.
Rupert: (pushes Sven in front of him) You first Sven.
Beast: Let Beauty go.
Rupert: (very manly, showing off) Don’t worry Beauty, I’ll protect you.
He turns to hug Beauty (whilst still looking at Beast). Beauty ducks and runs away. Rupert
hugs Sven instead. Both make “Eeeeuurgh!” noises.
Rupert: Come one then Beast, or are you too kind and gentle to take on a man like me?
BIG MUSIC. Rupert and Sven fight the Beast. He ends up taking them by the collar and
swinging them about - knocks them together and throws them into the corner. He goes
over to finish them off.
Rupert: (begging) Please don’t hurt me!
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Beast: Leave my castle and never come back. GO!
They go to leave. Beast embraces Beauty. Swell of music - Rupert rushes on and stabs
Beast in the back. Psycho music?? Beast collapses.
Rupert: Ha, ha! Did you really think you could beat me? Now Beauty can be mine forever.
Ant voice over (very Geordie): I don’t think so, d’you Dec?
Dec: No Ant, let’s see what our panel of judges think. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Simon
Cowell.
Pop Idol theme tune. ‘Applause’ sign held up. Cowell enters, trousers worn up to his
nipples.
Cowell: Well boys, what can I say? I’ve been watching you all evening and perhaps, for once, I shall say
something popular with the audience. Quite frankly, you have given the worst performance in a
pantomime that I have ever seen. OK the camera loved you and you tried to make the parts your own
but you’re out of your depth and you’ll never make good baddies.
‘Applause’ sign held up. Simon, Rupert and Sven exit to Pop Idol theme tune. Spot falls on
Beauty, Beast and Fairy. Theme tune from Love Story.
Fairy: But boys and girls, is the poor Beast really dead, or will my spell be broken and save Beauty
from a broken heart?
Beauty: Oh Beast, don’t be dead! I LOVE YOU!
Beauty and the Beast Disney music, twinkling lights. Whole cast surrounds Beast
(including Filly). They move apart as Beast turns back into Prince. He carries Beauty off.
All freeze.
Fairy: (in spot) The spell is now complete. Beauty was able to see through all that beastliness and
because of her love the Beast has turned back into a prince. So it all ends happily ever after, and not
only for Beauty and the Beast. There really is romance in the air. Dumbelina and Darius…
Darius: I’ve always loved you Dumbelina. I should have told you before. I’m sorry.
Dumbelina: Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
Fairy: Mirabella and Herbert…
Herbert: But you don’t understand, I’m a woman!
Mirabella: Well, nobody’s perfect.
Fairy: Dolly and Theobald…
Theobald: But don’t you really mind that I’m bald?
Dolly: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!
Fairy: Oh, and this lot…
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Candy: Please ensure you have your personal belongings with you.
Mandy: We look forward to seeing you all next year.
Randy:
I’m beginning to like this job after all.
Fairy: And of course, Beauty and her Prince.
They run on. She has a bouquet and a veil.
Fairy: Now what are we going to do with Rupert and Sven? You know, I have a plan. Now, nobody
look into his eyes…
The grim reaper or something hooded or scary hired mask enters, followed by Rupert and
Sven. Everyone looks scared and turns away.
Rupert & Sven: I’m not afraid of that!
Mask or hood is removed, revealing Mr Thorne with yellow Demon Headmaster eyes.
Rupert & Sven: Aaaaaagh! Help!
He chases them down the steps and out. Wedding march plays, cast assembles for big
photo and all freeze to camera flash.
BIG SONG AND DANCE NUMBER. I’M A BELIEVER.
THE END
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