Accepting & loving ourselves in 10 simple ways
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/accepting-loving-ourselves-in-10-steps/
accessed 2011/3/20
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Jasmin Tanjeloff
“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do
a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown
The idea of “loving yourself” often seems cliché. We throw around the
phrase, but do we really understand what it means? Do we actually know
how to love ourselves? Or what the process of self love even looks like?
Deep down I really believe that everything in our lives is directly
affected by how much we love ourselves, but I’m often at a loss for words
when trying to articulate what is really all about. In my attempts to
answer these questions, I am excited to have come up with a little analogy
that I feel really pulls it all together. So I figured I’d share, in the
hopes that you all can explore and expand on this concept with me.
To start, think of people are like cars. In order for a car to function
properly you need to fill its tank with gas. So in order for us to feel
as centered, loving, and grounded as we’d like, our “love tanks” need
to be full.
When our love tanks are full, we have the energy and patience to give love
to the world around us; but when we are running on empty, that’s how we
feel: empty.
With an empty love tank, we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad, you
name it–and that’s how we treat others, which can ultimately lessen
their love tanks too.
If you think about the people you know and love, and make a mental image
of their love tanks, how full do they seem to you overall? If you look
at yours, in this moment, how full is it? Remember our love tanks have
the potential to shift throughout our days and lives.
So how do we fill our love tanks?
Many people go for the quick fix–we find some temporary external source
to fill our love tanks with, to get rid of the yucky feeling that comes
with an empty love tank. We go to the fridge, get a drink, call up an ex,
smoke a cigarette–anything that gives us a temporary high and a feeling
of relief from the discomfort from an empty love tank (which ultimately
ends up emptying out even more, starting the cycle all over again).
Sometimes we go for more “positive fillers” that may seem to be what
we need–giving to others, being social, getting love from someone else.
These may not be as detrimental as the previously mentioned fillers, but
they still make us dependent on an external source to fill our tanks.
So how do we fill our love tanks?
The answer is simple: with love.
Seems obvious right? So why is it so hard to do? Unfortunately, our schools
didn’t teach us to process of self love; and as humans, it doesn’t happen
naturally, so it’s not surprising that we don’t necessarily know how
to do it.
The first thing we need to do is decide whether we actually believe we
are lovable.
Most people feel that only “certain parts” of themselves are lovable.
For example, “my kind, happy self is lovable, but my sad, lonely self
needs to stay hidden away, because no one would love that part of me. This
is where the process of self hate actually starts depleting the love tank.
We do it unconsciously all day, every day. Just pay attention. Any time
we are comparing, judging, or simply being negative we are depleting our
love tanks, which makes us feel bad, and therefore makes us want to do
it more. So how do we get out of this pattern?
First we need to realize we are in it, and we have no control over it.
What do I mean we have no control over it? Turn off your thoughts for a
solid minute and don’t think of anything. Doesn’t work right? Why?
Because our minds have a “mind” of their own. They simply run on the
“programs” that were “installed” in them during our childhoods.
Each of us have different types of mind chatter (and feelings), because
we all had different life experiences that created them. Taking the time
to learn about the chatter of our minds is what psychology is all about,
and something I highly recommend we all do for ourselves.
But at some point we need to learn how to get beyond that chatter and get
it to chill out. Through the practice of self observation we begin to see
and understand the chatter of our minds; and with some work, we can learn
how to better deal with it–which ultimately is the process of self love.
So here are a few practices of self love that I find helpful when trying
to fill our love tanks with what they really need:
Validate our feelings, “It’s okay to feel bad sometimes.”
Refrain from judging or placing negativity on our thoughts or feelings.
Give ourselves a little extra comfort and soothing.
Listen to and respect our inner experience.
Reassure ourselves that what we are experiencing will pass.
Remind ourselves of all the wonderful things that we are.
Be grateful for the little (and big) things in our lives.
Take action towards improving elements in our lives that negatively affect us.
Commit to our physical health–cut back on drinking, improve eating habits,
and exercise regularly
10. Invest in our psychological/emotional/spiritual health.
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All of these things take time and effort and don’t happen without some
intention and inner work. But it’s worth starting, in at least one small
piece today. How do you refill your love tank?
Learning to love ourselves
It happens so often among
spiritually-minded people. We give our all to love and care for others, and yet
when it comes to ourselves, we’re full of criticism and judgment. Sunada
shares her experience of working with the practice of loving kindness,
specifically learning to love herself.
(http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/learning-to-love-ourselves) accessed
2011-03-20
if we can’t trust and open our hearts to ourselves – the one person on
this earth that we know the best and are closest to – how could we
possibly know how to do it for others?
It’s important to note that when the Buddha taught how to practice compassion, he
always began with ourselves. This isn’t selfish. After all, if we can’t trust and open our
hearts to ourselves – the one person on this earth that we know the best and are closest
to – how could we possibly know how to do it for others? Any reticence, anger, or doubt
we carry — no matter how hidden – will color all our relationships. As a colleague aptly
puts it, “we can’t be the solution until we stop being part of the problem.”
Somehow we’re never good enough. I admit I often think this, though I’m getting a lot
better about it. I’ve spent many long hours on my meditation cushion learning to love
myself. The practice I’ve done is called the Metta Bhavana, or the Development of
Loving-kindness. And I’ve spent a lot of time on that all-important first stage, which
focuses on myself. The whole practice has never been easy for me, and to this day I still
find it generally more elusive than Mindfulness.
I’d like to share with you some of what I’ve learned through this practice. What I
describe is something I did in the context of a formal meditation (and specifically as the
first stage of the Metta Bhavana), but I think it could also be done as an informal
contemplation outside of meditation.
We allow ourselves to fall into a comfortable, ..open state of mind
and body. What’s interesting is that by doing this, we’re already
practicing kindness toward ourselves.
First of all, it’s important that we find a time when we can quietly just sit and do nothing
for a while. So don’t do this while jogging, doing yoga, or eating dinner. I mean we
literally sit still with no other agenda.
We begin by bringing our awareness inward to ourselves. As a warm up, it’s helpful to
start by sensing all the parts of your body from the inside, one by one, from your toes all
the way up to your head. We allow ourselves to fall into a comfortable, relaxed, and open
state of mind and body. What’s interesting is that by doing this, we’re already practicing
kindness toward ourselves. This is a great start!
Next we notice how we’re feeling. Literally just notice. We don’t need to analyze, judge
or change anything. Is it a good feeling – happy, easy, content, calm, or peaceful? Or an
icky one – restless, angry, impatient, bored, or depressed? Or is it sort of gray or blank,
with no particular feeling tone at all? Maybe you’re feeling “something,” but you can’t put
words on it. That’s fine. Any of this is fine. We’re just noticing.
We … accept the feelings that have already happened, but then train
ourselves to respond to ANYTHING that’s there in the kindest possible
way. That’s the practice.
What we’re doing is opening up to and receiving whatever we’re feeling RIGHT NOW. The
degree to which we can be mindfully aware of what state we’re presently in, the better
off we’ll be. How clearly are we seeing it? How willing are we to be with it, and not try to
push it away or fix it, judge it as “bad” or “good,” but just be openly present with it?
Because we think this is supposed to be a practice of loving ourselves, we might be
tempted to try to make ourselves feel happier and more lovey. Or that we somehow
shouldn’t be feeling any of the bad feelings that might be there. In the traditional
method, it’s suggested that we repeat the phrase, “May I be happy” to ourselves. That’s
never worked for me, because it feels like I’m trying to change whatever bad feelings
that are there. So I don’t do it. We need to start by simply accepting ourselves right now,
in this moment, as we are, in whatever way works for you. There is no right or wrong.
Every time we turn to ourselves with patience and forgiveness for our
supposed “failures,” we’re training ourselves to be kind. I find a sense of
relief in being honest and authentic with myself in this way.
Once we have a clear picture of what’s happening, then what’s our response? Is it kind,
positive, helpful? When we practice the Metta Bhavana, on one level we’re learning to
see the difference between what we can and can’t change. We need to accept the
feelings that have already happened, but then train ourselves to respond to ANYTHING
that’s there in the kindest possible way. That’s the practice.
So then what if we can’t stop the judgmental, critical thoughts, or that “I must fix this”
sort of feeling? Well, how would we respond if we found our best friend in that state?
Would we tell her she’s being bad? Or tell her to just stop it? I doubt it. I’d want to sit
down with her and be supportive, find out what’s underneath all those thoughts, and
why she’s feeling that way. I’d want to at least just listen and let her know I care. Can we
do that for ourselves? Now THAT is a practice of kindness.
Every time we turn to ourselves with patience and forgiveness for our supposed
“failures,” we’re training ourselves to be kind. I find a sense of relief in being honest and
authentic with myself in this way. It’s not an admission of failure. I’m not condoning my
critical thoughts, but I AM forgiving the person who is having those thoughts.
When we open up and receive life as it is – without adding anything
to it — everything flows to its natural conclusion.
So the whole idea here is to learn how to BE kind, right now, and not to try to shape
myself into some future-oriented image of what I think I should be. The more we
practice the act of being kind now, the more it becomes natural to us. This is the
practice.
The Buddha was right. He said that in all things, when we eliminate the cause, the result
ceases to exist. When we stop our negative responses, our habitual negative tendencies
begin to weaken and fade away. When we open up and receive life as it is – without
adding anything to it — everything flows to its natural conclusion. Like water flowing
downstream into a lake, it eventually settles to a naturally calm, clear, and peaceful
state. Effortlessly.
And that’s how I’ve begun to learn how to love myself.