"640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981
"Bother," said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud.
"Data, I thought you were dead!" "No, Sir. I rebooted!"
"Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared.
"Even historians fail to learn from history." --John Gill
"Fac meam diem." --Clintus Estvoodicus
"Facts are stupid things" --Ronald Reagan
"Gilligan, get their phasers." "O. K., Skipper."
"Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet."....
"Help! I've fallen and can't get up." A. Tree
"How to Stay Poor and Enjoy it Less" by I.R.S.
"I drank WHAT!?" --Socrates
"I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably.
"I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
"I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."
"Is that seat saved?" "No, but we're praying for it."
"Lawyer Testing" - because some things, even RATS won't do
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"No, let us not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
"NOW" is a point in time that is already gone.
"Seek Error" - Who told it to look for anything?
"Stressed" is just desserts spelled backwards.
"The LORD is my Shepherd;..."
"The world's a theater, the earth a stage" --WS
"We are the greatest planet on earth." --Dan Quayle.
'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
'Did ya put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was burning'
'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser
'I'll be Bach.' --Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger.
'In closing' is always followed by the other half of the speech.
'Keep the smoke inside.' - 1st Rule of Electronics.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' --Hair Club for Men.
'Paid off'? What does that mean?
'Read my lips, no nude Texan's'. --What George really said.
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting.
'Wait' is a hard word to the hungry.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. --L. Long.
*'M ST*P*D - I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat, an "O" please.
**FLASH** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
*I* didn't do it, the *computer* did it!
*IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only."
Warm, Dry, and Fed; That's Life
Today is cancelled due to lack of interest!
Pardon my driving; I'm trying to reload
0.000666 - number of the microbeast
0.001501501501501501501501 - The inverse of the beast.
0.015015 - reciprocal of the beast
0.587785252 - cosine of the beast
0.65039 Kbytes - memory of the beast
0.666 - number of the millibeast
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
29A - the hexadecimal of the Beast.
1 + 2 = 3. Therefore 4 + 5 = 6.
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
26% of Canadians can't read. The other 92% can't do Math.
3 dreaded words: hard disk failure
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
3 things occur when you age.. 1) memory goes 2) uh.. um..
4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
7 1/2 million years and all you can come up with is 42?! --<i>Hitchhikers Guide to the
Galaxy</i>
80% success, most of the time.
89.6% of all statistics are wrong.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
A 'government subsidy' is getting just some of your own money back.
A babe is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.
A bad beginning makes for a good ending.
A bad workman quarrels with his tools.
A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A batter who bats .500 is still out half the time.
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! --Everett Dirkson
A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A blind man is no judge of colors.
A blush on the face is better than a blot on the heart.
A boy becomes a man when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
A brain is worth little without a tongue.
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
A cat's purr is the sound of it generating cute.
A centipede is an ant made to government specs.
A chain is no stronger than its weakest link.
A chat has nine lives.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.
A clear conscience makes a good pillow.
A clear conscience is one of the best friends you will ever have.
A clear white skin is a girl's best friend, especially if it's ermine. --Emmaline Henly
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consultant may be defined as an unemployed practitioner.
A contented man is always rich.
A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet.
A contradiction of terms - The Best of Rush Limbaugh
A courageous foe is better than a cowardly friend.
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!
A cult is any religion without political power.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for a casket.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good. --<i>Classic Crossword Puzzles</i>
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A dragon a day, keeps the world away.
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
A dyslexic agnostic doesn't believe in Dog.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A failure will not appear until a unit has been shipped.
A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines.
A fate worse than death: to be married alive.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
A fault recognized is half corrected.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
A fool and his money are my kind of customer
A fool and his money share the same mattress.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A fool and his money are my two favorite people.
A fool wants to be king.A wise man wonders if he can handle the job.
A friend advises in his interest, not yours.
A friend is someone who knows me and likes me anyway.
A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future.
A Goethe is a steel beam; a Joyce is a wooden one.
A good aim is no good if you don't pull the trigger.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A good hug should put a smile in the heart
A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share
of the credit.
A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial. --Clifton Fadiman
A good memory should be like a sieve:the sand should go through and only the best
nuggets be retained. --O. A. Battista
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good name is more desirable than great riches.
A good organizer is one who is careful to plan ahead.
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit.
A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.
A halo has only to fall a few centimeters to become a noose.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence. --Brander Matthews
A hundred thousand lemmings can't all be wrong.
A hypocrite is one who sets good examples only when he has an audience.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
A joke never gains an enemy, but often loses a friend.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A kind heart is of little value in chess.
A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.
A lecture on time travel will be held yesterday.
A liberal's generosity is limited only by your income.
A little faith can lift you above your fears.
A little knowledge is just that - little.
A little knowledge isn't enough.
A little Madness in the Spring, Is wholesome even for the King. --Emily Dickinson
A loafer is a man who rests before he gets tired.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A lot of us have seen the light, but for many of us it's the one inside the refrigerator. -Marlys Huffman
A Macintosh is an Etch-a-Sketch you don't have to shake.
A man cannot spin and reel at the same time.
A man lives by believing in something; not by debating and arguing many things. -Thomas Carlysle
A man may be young in years, yet old in hours.
A man of courage is also full of faith. --Cicero
A man once claimed nothing was true; but he was lying.
A man should live forever, or die trying.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man will get mad and tell you where to go; a woman will smile and lead you there.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A man's brain is his Achilles' heel.
A man's character and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding that was done
during the growing season. --W.F.G.
A man's homeland is wherever he prospers. --Aristophanes
A man's house is his hassle.
A martyr is a hero who didn't make it.
A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.
A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A mountain is climbed a step at a time.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A mule dressed in a tuxedo is still a mule.
A nanite is a midget nanny!
A nudist has no reason to fear a pickpocket.
A nut that is easy to crack is often empty.
A path without obstacles probably leads nowhere.
A penny earned is cheap labor.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
A person in a passion rides a mad horse.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
A pest: A friend in need.
A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
A professional is one who does a good job even when he doesn't feel like it.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A radioactive cat has 18 half-lives.
A reasonable man accomplishes nothing.
A right attitude toward God fosters a right attitude toward your family.
A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
A second class effort is a first class mistake.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A shadow is always black, even the shadow of a swan. --Vargas Vila
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. --John A. Shedd
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. --Evan
Esar
A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years of study.
--Longfellow
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate.
A small good deed is better than the grandest intention.
A small leak will sink a great ship.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither
elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement. --Abba Eban
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A successful baseball player gets a hit only once out of every three tries.
A taxpayer is one who does not have to pass a Civil Service examination to work for the
Government.
A ten-gallon hat really holds only three-fourths of a gallon.
A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.
A thing not looked for is seldom found.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
A thing of beauty is a joy forever. --Keats
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
A waist is a terrible thing to watch!
A welfare state is when the government of the people and for the people buy the people.
--B.C.
A wife is a person whose boiling point is also her freezing level. --Marlys Huffman
A wife who says she can read her husband like a book rarely does.Instead of skipping
what she doesn't like, she goes over and over it. --Neal O'Hara
A winner feels responsible for more than his job; a loser says, "I only work here."
A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises.
A winner says "There ought to be a better way to do it."; a loser says, "That's the way it's
always been done."
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools.
A wise man changes his mind, a fool never.
A woman's advice is not worth much, but he who doesn't heed it is a fool.
A world with out a Sabbath would be like a man without a smile, like summer without
flowers, and like a homestead without a garden. It is the joyous day of the whole week. -Henry Ward Beecher
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Ability and reliability make a good team.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation!!!
Abuse of power comes as no surprise.
Accident: A condition in which presence of min d is good, but absence of body is better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Acetone - What you do in exercise class.
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Acid Rain - Not as groovy as it sounds.
Acoustic: What you shoot pool with.
Act with kindness, but do not expect gratitude. --Confucius
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Actually, there's only a slight difference between keeping your chin up and sticking your
neck out, but it's worth knowing.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.
Adolescence: the stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advertisement: the most truthful part of a newspaper.
Advertising is wonderful. What other medium could picture children going back to school
with big smiles on their faces.
Advertising raises the standard of living by raising the standard of longing.
Advice: 5¢ And Worth Every Penny!
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Advice is cheap, but good examples cost something. This may be the reason why one
is scarce and the other plentiful.
Aern't spill chukkers grate?
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After four decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Age isn't important unless you're a cheese.
Ah, but man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for? --Robert Browning
Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?
Ah My Favorite!! Cream Of Spotted Owl Soup.
Ah well, they say it's not as bad as they say it is.
Ahead is what you can't get without using.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
ALERT! ALERT! No, wait! It's TWO lerts!
Alex Haley was adopted!
Alexander Solzhenitsyn referred to shortsighted concessions: "A process of giving up
and giving up and giving up and hoping and hoping and hoping that perhaps at some
point the wolf will have had enough." --Vaughan J. Featherstone <i>Ensign Magazine,
May 1999</i>
Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
All answers questioned here.
All cats are gray in the dark. --Benjamin Franklin
All computers wait at the same speed.
All criminals turn preachers when they are under the gallows. --Italian Proverb
All excellent things are as difficult as they are rare. --Benedict Spinoza
All generalizations are false.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
All marriages are happy.It's the living together afterwards that causes the problems.
All men are idiots and I married their king.
All of you that believe in telekinesis, raise MY hand!
All people smile in the same language.
All progress stems from change but all change is not necessarily progress.
All reality is aspect dependent.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
All rising to a great place is by a winding stair.
All serious daring starts from within. --Eudora Welty
All stressed out and no one to choke.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance. --Edward Gibbon
All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. --J.R.R. Tolkien,
English author (1892-1973)
All that we pay only with money is always cheap. --Mario Donato
All the easy problems have been solved.
All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.
All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.
All things are difficult before they are easy.
All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare.
All this significance - what does it mean?
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. --Mark
Twain
ALL-PURPOSE EXCUSE: It seemed like a good idea at the time
Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Almost perfect... but not quite.
Although up to its neck in hot water, the tea kettle continues to sing.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Always do what you are afraid to do. --Emerson
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. --Oscar Wilde
Always hold your head up but keep your nose at a friendly level.
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Always tell the truth ..& be ready to run like h***!
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Always willing to share my ignorance.
Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. --Charlie McCarthy
An aim in life is the only treasure worth finding. --R. L. Evans
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
An Armed Citizenry *IS* the Militia
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to
know.
An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. --Ambrose
Bierce
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
An error which has to be corrected is a heavier burden than the truth. --Dag
Hammarskjold
An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
An expert is someone from out of town.
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An object of information most needed will be least available.
An open mind is often an invitation to drop a worthwhile thought into it.
An open mind doesn't always require an open mouth
An optimist is a person without much experience.
An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An unbreakable toy is excellent for breaking other toys.
Anarchy is against the law.
And on the 8th Day God said, "Murphy, you're in charge."
And the Dollar is holding steady at 100 cents
And then Adam said, "What's a headache?"
And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.
And to all you unevolved life forms BANG the rocks together.
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. --Chesterton.
Anger and criticism are like acid; more harmful to the container in which it is held than to
the object on which it is poured.
Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.
Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.
Angry words can make us speak our mind when we should be minding our speech.
Another day, another buck 2.98 minus tax.
Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Any faucet can turn the water on, but after a few years only a good faucet will turn it off.
The same thing applies to human tongues.
Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature.
Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone can become angry; that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the
right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way that is
not within everybody's power and is not easy. --Aristotle
Anyone for fishing? No time got to read.
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries know
nothing about grapes. --from The Art of Living
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything that can go wrong will.
Anything we learn today may be disproven tomorrow.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Apathists of the world ..... ahh, forget it!
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush.
April hath put a spirit of youth in every thing. --William Shakespeare
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Are Girl Scout Cookies made from real Girl Scouts?
Are the voices in my head bothering you?
Are you illiterate? Write to us for a free book.
Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
Are you working on the solution or are you part of the problem.
Armadillo: Possum on the half-shell.
Army food: the spoils of war.
Arrogance is the obstruction of wisdom.
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
As a general rule, teachers teach more by what they are than by what they say.
As a goat herd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they
are certain, they do not refer to reality. --Einstein
As scarce as truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand. --Josh Billings
As the spark flies upward, so is man prone to evil. --Proverbs
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in
Computer Maintenance.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
ASCII to a ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Assassins Do It Secretively, and Finally.
Assume the worst, you'll never be disappointed.
Assumption is the mother of all screwups.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Astronauts get missile-toe.
At the end of the game, the king and the pawn go into the same bag.
At what point in the dairy process is the Milk Dud made?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheist: A man with no invisible means of support.
Athletes do it on the run.
Attitude adjustments $29.95. Alignment extra.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. --Dorothy
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid criticism - say, do and be nothing.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
Avoid Satan as a lion, dread him as a serpent, and fear him as an angel of light.
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
Babies are God's opinion that the world should go on.
Baby stork, "Mama, where did I come from?"
Back up my hard drive?How do I put it in reverse?
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Bacteria, n.: the only culture some people have.
Bad Case #12: Nostalgia buff with amnesia.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command:(A)bort (R)etry (T)ake RAM hostage
Bad dog! Don't chew the power cor..!# NO TERRIER
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Bad weather reports are more often right than good ones.
Bald spot? No - solar panel for brain power.
Barfignugen: Car Sickness in a Volkswagen.
Barometer:An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Basic Airline Flying - Keep the pointy end forward.
Basic is a high level languish.
Bathroom scale: Something you stand on and swear at.
Baudy house: A bordello with a modem.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Be a boss so you, too, can work 16 hours a day.
Be Alert! The world needs more Lerts.
Be as you would seem to be.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.
Be good to your environment - purge your tree.
Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there. --Josh Billings
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be part of the solution, not part of the pollution.
Be patient: God isn't finished with me yet!
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be sure the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear.
Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so. --Lord Chesterfield
Beam me aboard, Scotty. Aye, will a 2x4 do, Captain?
Beam me up Scotty. No, Scotty, that's not what I meant
Beam me up Scotty! The liberals have taken over!
Beam Me Up Scotty, ............*S-C-O-T-T-Y*!!!
Beaten paths are for beaten men.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder.
Beauty without virtue is a curse.
Become a millionaire, send $1.00 for details.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which one you need more.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Before you flare up at anyone's faults, take time to count to 10...10 of your own. -Woodmen of the World
Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Behind every successful woman - herself.
Behind every successful man - a surprised mother-in-law.
Behind every successful man is a woman who made it necessary.
Believe one who has tried it. --Virgil
Beta version - too buggy to be released.
Better attitudes through chemistry. --Bruce
Better or worse, but never the same.
Better than counting your years is making all your years count.
Better the foot slip than the tongue.
Better to face a danger once than be always in fear.
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. --Mae West.
Beware of a half truth; you may be getting the wrong half.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. --Thoreau
Beware of dark rooms ... They might be the morgue.
Beware of little expenses. A small leak can sink a ship.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bible is copyrighted by God.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: see Bigamy.
Bikinis - my favorite aphrodisiac.
Bill Clinton tax form - Send us all your money.
Bill Clinton's not like Jimmy Carter - more like Billy.
Biology grows on you.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blame St. Andreas - it's his fault.
Blessed are the inept for they shall inherit the skies.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
Blessed are the brief for they will be invited again.
Blessed are they who desire nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Blood is thicker than water. Tastier and more nutritious too.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Born free - Taxed to death.
Bosses are so busy delegating jobs, they have no time to work.
Bought some powdered water - not sure what to add, though.
Bourgeois morality is largely a system of making cheap virtues a cloak for expensive
vices. --George Bernard Shaw
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
BRAIN.COM file closed. (A)rgue (R)etry (F)orget It
Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Bride: a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Bring order to your life, use random numbers.
Broadmindedness is highmindedness flattened out by experience. --Clipper, Lexington
Nebr.
Buddha lived a normal life with wife and children, and when he was thirty left home in
search of happiness.
Buddhist ordering pizza: "Make me one with everything."
Buddy, can you spare some cache?
Budget: an orderly system of living beyond your means.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
Bureaucrats are the meat loaf of humanity.
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching 9 mouseholes.
But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?
But you can't let her drive! She's legally blonde!
But you thaid is was a pith helmet!
Buy in haste, repair at leisure.
Buy one, get one free? Does it have to be in that order?
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By following the good, you learn to be good.
By Grace Are Ye Saved, Through Faith. --Eph 2:8
By the time you realize what love can do, the damage has already been done.
By the time you get to where you can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
By the time a man reads women like a book he's too old to collect a library.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the
number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\CLINTON\TRUTH.COM not found. Abort, Retry, Impeach?
C'est la vie, Jim, but not as we know it.
CA bumper sticker: Cover me, I'm changing lanes.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Cajun breakfast: Blackened toast.
California does have its faults.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. --Fred Allen
Call me apathetic - I don't care!
Call me Ishmael. I won't ANSWER, but...
Calm down! It's only zeros and ones.
Camelot! .....It's only a model.
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??
Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Can't underestimate the power of fear.
Capital Punishment means never having to say "you again?"
Card games can be expensive, but so can any game where you hold hands. --Maui
News
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Careful!!...You may be the only Bible some people ever read.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully
planned projects only twice as long.
Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.
Cat + unattended keyboard = garbage all over screen.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
Cats. Earths most purrfect lifeform.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Caution: Slow Children at Play!
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Censor - a man who knows more than he thinks you should.
Cereal Killer Strikes Again! Cap'n Crunch found dead.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Character is not made in a crisis - it is only exhibited.
Character is the sum total of all our everyday choices. --Margaret Jensen
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was
H₂O was H₂SO₄.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Chicken: the egg's way of making more eggs.
Childish game: one at which your spouse beats you.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them
good manners.
Children need love, especially when they don't deserve it.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can
misunderstand, somebody will.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with
everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Choose Heaven for climate, Hell for society.
Christ did the same thing that God did. What did He do? He resurrected.
Christ: When He came to earth, He had a body just like man's; when He went to
Heaven, He had a body just like God's.
Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book
admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. --Ambrose Bierce,<i>Devil's
Dictionary</i>
Christianity hasn't failed --it hasn't been tried. --James Russel Lowell
Christmas time is here to stay - so they say!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Circumstance does not make the man, it reveals him to himself. --James Allen
Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
Civilization is a method of living, an attitude of equal respect for all men. --Jane Addams
Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe.
Classified ad: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.
Cleverness is serviceable for everything but sufficient for nothing.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clinton didn't inhale . . . Brown didn't exhale!
Clones are people two.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Clothes make the man; naked people have little or no influence on society.
Cluttered desk = cluttered mind / empty desk = empty ______?
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. --Ambrose
Bierce
Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow
can spell.
Color is only a pigment of your imagination.
Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge.
COM program murdered. "Bits everywhere" says witness.
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
Common sense is the least common of all senses.
Communism is like one big phone company.
Compassion is the basis of all morality.
Compile, run, curse. Recompile, rerun, recurse.
Computer illiteracy? You mean my computer's supposed to READ?
Computer programmers never die, they compile.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Computer spelled MOST ways is AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Conceit is a pain killer for stupidity.
Conceit is God's gift to little men.
Condense soup, not books!
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confucius say: Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.
Confucius Say: Better to close mouth and appear stupid than to open mouth and remove
all doubt.
Confused? Call Counselor Troi 1-900-NCC-1701: $1.95/min
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted! reformat WASH.DC <Y/Y>?
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Consensus is the negation of leadership. --Margaret Thatcher
Conservative (n): Liberal who has been mugged.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.
Constant change is here to stay.
Constants aren't; variables don't.
Consultant: Person who makes good on salesman's promises!
Contents may have settled out of court.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called
the listener.
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
COOK found - (B)urger King (M)cDonalds (T)aco Bell
Cooperation is doing with a smile that which you have to do anyway.
Copy from another: plagiarism. Copy from many: research.
Could you state that as a question, please?
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs.
Couples without children always know just how you should raise yours.
Courage is fear that said its prayers.
Courage is like a kite; a contrary wind rises it higher.
Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on with dignity in spite of it. -Scott Turow
Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it's going on when you don't have the
strength.
Courtesy distinguishes humans from animals.
Courtesy on one side can never last long.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cream rises to the top - but then so does scum.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs... I love Congress.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Crusoe got everything done by Friday. Can you?
Cultivate happiness and it becomes a habit.
Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
Curious how naked death is less obscene than naked women.
Customer: "I would like to try on that suit in the window". Salesman: "Sorry sir, you will
have to use the dressing room."
Cut my pizza into six pieces please. I can't eat eight.
Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Cynicism is but idealism gone sour in the face of frustration.
D.A.M.N. = Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Dan Quayle's library burned. Both books destroyed.
Dances With Wolves - the theme of our senior prom.
Danger! Human at keyboard!
Dangerous exercise - jumping to conclusions.
Daniel Webster, when asked what was the greatest thought that had ever entered his
mind, replied "My accountability to Almighty God."
Darth Vader Lives; he recently told me so!
DATA COMPRESSION: What you get when you squish an android.
Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.
Dawn: the time when men of reason go to bed.
Dead musicians decompose.
Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Death is God's way of telling you that you're fired.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death MAY ease tension, researchers report.
Death to fleas that prey upon the lifeblood of my cats!
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Death To All Tyrants.
DEBUG: Takes bugs off the windshield with minimum fuss.
Deciding whom to marry is the most important decision you'll ever make.
Dedicated to the brave men who go down to the chips in C.
Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
DEFINITION: Address - Type of attire worn by some female programmers.
DEFINITION: Algol - The husband of Polygol, their missing daughter is Polygon.
DEFINITION: Altair - A place where computers are sacrificed.
DEFINITION: Array - A blast from a CRT.
DEFINITION: Backup - Opposite of forward.
DEFINITION: BASIC - Beginner's All-purpose Sloppy Instruction Code.
DEFINITION: Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
DEFINITION: Branch - A stick used for beating.
DEFINITION: Buffer - A programmer who works in the nude.
DEFINITION: Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up
output.
DEFINITION: COBOL - Confused Oriental Bean-cOunting Language.
DEFINITION: Coding - An addictive drug.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
DEFINITION: Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
DEFINITION: Cp/m - Program listing for 'Look in the evening section'.
DEFINITION: CPU - C3PO's mother.
DEFINITION: Dip - Inventor of a famous switch.
DEFINITION: Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.
DEFINITION: Disk Drive - A motor for a frisbee.
DEFINITION: Duplex - Having two apartments.
DEFINITION: External Storage - A wastebasket.
DEFINITION: Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of
confusion.
DEFINITION: Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the
restroom but cannot leave the computer.
DEFINITION: Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.
DEFINITION: FORTRAN - Formless Translations.
DEFINITION: GiGo - Garbage in garbage out.
DEFINITION: IBM - Computer company: "Itty-Bitty Machines" Corporation.
DEFINITION: IBM - Corporate motto: "I've been moved."
DEFINITION: IC - Understanding as in 'Oh, IC'.
DEFINITION: Initialize - Carving your initials on a floppy disk.
DEFINITION: Input - Food, beverages, painkillers, stimulants, etc.
DEFINITION: Iterate - A healthy illiterate.
DEFINITION: Keyboard - Resembling a typewriter, a keyboard is used for entering
errors into the computer.
DEFINITION: Language - A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.
DEFINITION: Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".
DEFINITION: Math Chip - A piece of a broken abacus.
DEFINITION: Megabyte - A nine course dinner.
DEFINITION: Memory Map - A sheet of paper showing location of computer store.
DEFINITION: Mhz - Acronym for 'Megahurtz', meaning 'a million pains'.
DEFINITION: Microfiche - Sardines.
DEFINITION: Nanosecond - Mork's stunt man.
DEFINITION: Newdos - Acronym for 'Not Exactly What The Dealer Offers To sell you.
DEFINITION: Password - The nonsense word taped to the CRT.
DEFINITION: Upgrade - Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the
country could do under first-class management. --Senator Soaper
Despair: an extra tire in de trunk.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Devote each day to the object then in time, and every evening will find something done. -Goethe
DeVry: We're Serious About Our OWN Success!
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Didja ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Didn't see it, don't have the T-shirt. --M. Hahn
Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a
thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow. --Abraham Lincoln
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Difference between a house and a home - a family.
Difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Difficult? I wish it had been impossible!
Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Dijon vu: the feeling you've tasted this mustard before.
Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner Not Ready...(A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Discover all unpredictable errors before they occur.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk error: (A)bort (R)etry (N)egotiate release of disk?
DisneyLand: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Do agnostics really say, 'Oh, bother' when their planes go down?
Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.
Do not believe in miracles - rely upon them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not curse the darkness, check your warranty.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Do not worry about whether or not the sun will shine. Just be prepared to enjoy it.
Do NOT push that red button over there.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Do ROFLS have ridges?
Do unto others as they should do unto you but won't.
Do unto others as though you were the other.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?
Do you have Bernoulli sauce in this restaurant?
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
Do your knees buckle, but not your belt?
Does "Forsaking All Others" mean I can't date?
Does anybody really read these things?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does steel wool come from metal sheep?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your back go out more than you do?
Doesn't EVERYBODY wear straightjackets?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Don's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't be content with being average: Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the
top.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't be mad about growing old, some aren't that lucky.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't brag - it isn't the whistle that pulls the train.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't count your upgrades before they're patched!
Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.
Don't expect too much out of life and you may be pleasantly surprised and, therefore,
happy. But if you keep your expectations up too high, you'll be disappointed.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't get discouraged...No one is perfickt.
Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.
Don't grumble if you don't have what you want; be thankful you don't get what you
deserve.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon.
Don't hide your talents, for use they were made. What good's a sundial in the shade. -Benjamin Franklin
Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't keep doing what doesn't work.
Don't knock President Fillmore - he kept us out of Vietnam.
Don't know what apathy is and don't care.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Don't look now, but your file is unzipped.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Don't mind criticism: If it's untrue, disregard it; if it's unfair, keep from irritation; if it's
ignorant, smile; if it's justified, learn from it.
Don't misunderstand; I like kids. BOILED!!
Don't panic - you have your towel, right?
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!
Don't put your mouth in motion before you put your mind in gear.
Don't question authority. It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
Don't quit until you find someone to blame.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't start with me. You know how I get.
Don't Start Any Trouble, And There Won't Be Any!
Don't steal! The government hates the competition.
Don't take life too seriously, you'll NEVER get out alive
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't touch it! It's the history eraser button you fool!
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't use our trash can, it's only for apples!
Don't walk through the screen door, you might strain yourself.
Don't waste the whole day, laugh at least once.
Don't wear earmuffs in a land of rattlesnakes.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in wierdo.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.They're too busy worrying
over what you are thinking about them.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
Don't wrestle a pig in a mud hole. You both get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it.
Don't you just hate it when they verbify nouns?
DON'T read the manual! Just WING that sucker!
Double your drive space! Delete Windows!
Down with categorical imperatives!
Dr who?
Dr. Kevorkian expects full payment before your visit.
Dragonslayer needed. Immediate position available.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of dragon's fire.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive A: format failed, formatting C: instead.
Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream?
Drive carefully, death is so permanent.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Driving Lesson One: Shiny side up; rubber side down.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Duct tape is like the force.It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe
together. --Carl Zwanzig
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been
discontinued.
Due to Budget Constraints light at end of tunnel is off!
Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been canceled.
Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.
Dyslexia: it can warn without striking!
Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
E Pluribus Modem
E=MC² Very good, Albert. Next time show your work.
Each day the world turns over on someone who was just sitting on top of it.
Each day we are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
Eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.
Early to bed - makes you healthy, wealthy and boring.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
Earth is 98% full - please delete anyone you can.
Earth was not earth before her sons appeared.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
Eat well, exercise, and die anyway.
Eat yogurt and get culture.
Eating an anchovy is like eating an eyebrow.
Economy makes men independent.
Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light.Do not be discouraged if you
fail a few times. --Napoleon Hill
Editing is a rewording activity.
Education means developing the mind, not stuffing the memory.
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. --Malcom S. Forbes
Efficiency is the ability to do a job well plus the desire to do it better.
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Egad! I can *feel* my mind boggling.
Ego: Something which enables people to bear living with themselves.
Egotist: a person of low taste. more interested in himself than me.
Einstein has "I before E" wrong in his own name, twice!
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
El trabajo bien hecho no tiene fronteras.
Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence.
Electricians are qualified to remove anyone's shorts!
Electricity travels a foot in a nanosecond. --Commodore Grace Murray Hopper, USN
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Enthusiasm is the father of excellence. --Bruce Alan Johnson
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Error: (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it
Error 005: Windows loading. Come back tomorrow.
Error failed! Press any key to resume error.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error locating MAFIA.EXE - program not executed.
Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Error Reading REALITY.SYS ... Universe Halted
ERROR 23AF: Sector not found; Search behind couch?
ERROR 6F35: Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
ERROR 75FF: MSDOS.SYS not found. Buy UNIX?
ERROR 864F: (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence With Large Hammer
Eternity is . . . a Barry Manilow concert.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Even a single strand of hair has it's own shadow. --Public Siro
Even if the story isn't true, it does have a grain of sense and instruction to it, and it's
entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?
Ever notice that Legos aren't biodegradable ?
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Ever think about the fact that thorn bushes have roses?
Ever wish you had a copy of tomorrow's newspaper?
EverReady bunny arrested, charged with battery!
Every action of our lives touches some chord that will vibrate through eternity.
Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose. --Chopin
Every little BYTE helps.
Every man has a scheme that absolutely won't work.
Every man thinks his own burden the heaviest.
Every man's work is a portrait of himself.
Every minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds.
Every noble work is at first impossible. --Thomas Carlysle
Every purchase has its price.
Every silver lining has a dark cloud.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of
eventual success.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
Everybody is stupid, only on different topics. --Will Rogers
Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone must row with the oars he has. --English Proverb
Everyone needs a place in the sun, especially when it rains.
Everyone serves a purpose in life, even if it is to be a horrible example.
Everyone who got where he is had to start where he was.
Everything alive either grows or dies.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything comes to he who hustles while he waits. --Thomas A. Edison
Everything coming your way? You're in the wrong lane!
Everything goes on sale - right after you buy it.
Everything going good? You must have overlooked something.
Everything hurts - and what doesn't don't work.
Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.
Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. --Neils Bohr
Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time.
Evil won't kill us; apathy & lethargy will.
Examine the contents, not the bottle.
Excuse me for butting in. But, I'm interrupt-driven.
Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you
make it again. --F.P. Jones
Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience should be a guide post, but not a hitching post.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible, they should all fail in the same way.
Expert - an x is an unknown, a spurt is a drip under pressure, so an expert is some
unknown drip under pressure.
Expert - anyone from out of town.
Expert - knows tomorrow why today's prediction failed.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so.
Extrusion, ½ Science, ½ Art, and ½ luck.
Eye of newt, toe of frog, and a side of fries, please.
Fact: red lights always last longer than green ones.
Fact: A conservative will blink when struck with a hammer.
Failure is never fatal and success is never final.
Failure no longer will be my payment for nature made no provision for my body to
tolerate pain neither has it made any provision to suffer failure. --Og Mandino. Greatest
Salesman in the World
Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Faith cometh by hearing and hearing from the Word of God.
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Faith is the bird that sings while it is still dark.
Fame is a magnifying glass.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds consent.
Familiarity breeds.
Famous Last Words : "This dungeon is a pushover."
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Farmers are just plain folks.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -Oscar Wilde
Faults are thick where love is thin.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Fax me no questions, I'll Fax you no lies!
Feel good? Don't worry, you'll get over it.
Feel lucky? Update your software!
Feet smell? Nose runs?Hey, you're upside down!
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
Feminist bookstores have no humor section.
Ferengi/IRS:sound that same? I wonder WHYYYY?!?!
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be. --Charles
Brower
Few problems cannot be solved by proper application of high explosives.
Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
Fight organized crime; stamp out the IRS!
File not found: Loading something that looked similar.
File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting.
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
File not found. Delete *.* and change directory? (Y/N)
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it
worse.
Find Jesus? I didn't know he was lost. Try under the sofa
Find out how many friends you have - rent a beach villa.
Fine = Tax for doing wrong. Tax = Fine for doing fine.
Fire at will, Not at Will!
First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
First they take your money, then your clothes.
Fish and guests smell in three days.
Fish are so hard to toilet train.
Flattery is counterfeit money which, but for vanity, would have no circulation. --La
Rochefoucauld
Flattery is the sincerest form of lying.
Floggings will continue until morale improves!
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead?
Follow the wise few rather than the vulgar many.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
For an exciting time, type ECHO Y | FORMAT C: < NUL
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision
For further information, consult GOD.
For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth
truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light;... --D&C 88:40
For sale: 1/2 piece of mountain climbing rope - cheap.
For those that like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Forget everything, as one day everything will forget you.
Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget yourself for others and others will not forget you.
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. --Paul Baese
Forgiveness is a free gift, but you must accept it.
Fortinlee, I downt nead a spel checkr.
Fortunate is the man who is too busy to tell how busy he is.
Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
Found on a door in the MSU music building: This door is baroquen, please wiggle
Handel. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant & Microwavable
Four Food Groups: Beer, Chips, Chocolate, Pretzels.
Four out five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Four things come not back: the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, the
neglected opportunity. --Arabian Proverb
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness liking what you do.
Friction is a drag.
Friday means two more working days 'til Monday.
Friends are people you can be quiet with.
Friends Come And Go, But Relatives Never Leave.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frisbyterianism: When you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and gets stuck there.
Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies!
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
FUBAR: Fouled Up Beyond All Repair
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. --H. H. Williams
G=Guns, PG=Plenty of Guns, PG-13=More than 12 guns.
Gambling: a way of getting nothing for something.
Gather 'round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
Gee, Mr. Wizard! Aren't nuclear reactors dangerous?
Gee... What's that ticking in the corner.
Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool.
Genealogy - it's only an obsession after all!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Genius is 10 percent inspiration and 50 percent capital gains.
Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains. --Jane Ellice Hopkins
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius starts at the top and works up.
Gentleman: one who can play bagpipes but chooses not to.
Gentlemen's agreements can get very ungentlemanly.
Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.
George Orwell was an optimist.
German Word for Constipation: Farfrompooping!
Get stoned! Drink wet cement!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't
bother you for weeks.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give them all they want, and all they will want is more.
Give what you have. To someone it may be better than you dare to think. --Longfellow
Give your child mental blocks this Christmas.
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Glory is like a rose; aroma and barbs. --Porto Alegre
Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
Go climb a gravity well.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in
owning a piece thereof.
Goals are dreams with deadlines. --Diana Hunt
God and man are always a majority. --Richard L. Evans
God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice, you must take it.
The only question is how.
God cures and the doctor takes the fee.
God does not play dice with the universe. --Einstein
God doesn't ask you to be the best, just to do your best.
God doesn't tell us everything, just everything we need to know.
God forbid that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed I could not be trusted. --Rebelais
God gave ten commandments, not ten suggestions.
God give us relatives, but let us choose our friends.
God had one Son on Earth without sin, but never one without suffering. --Augustine
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead, so why should you?
God is a comic playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.
God is Pro-Life.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Going where no reader has ever gone before!
Gone crazy; be back later; leave message.
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness the poison.
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. -Fred Brooks, University of North Carolina
Good nature is like a bee that collects honey from every herb, whereas ill nature, spider
like, sucks poison even from the sweetest flower. --Henry Beecher
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good supervision is the art of getting average people to do superior work.
Good will is a weapon against which there is no defense.
Good words cost no more than bad.
Got Kleptomania? Take something for it!
Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
Gravity brings me down.
Great hopes make great men. --Thomas Fuller
Great minds discuss ideas; small ones, people.
Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -Sally Koch
Greed captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.
Ground water? Do you mean crushed ice?
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Guess what I made for dinner - Reservations!
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its
desirability.
Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
Habit is a cable. We weave a thread of it each day, and at last we cannot break it.
Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.
Habits are at first cobwebs, then cables.
Had we not faults of our own, we should take less pleasure in complaining of the faults
of others. --Francis Fenelon
Hail to Thee, Shoes, wearer of feet.
Halitosis is better than no breath at all.
Halloween is NOT Christmas even though 31 oct = 25 dec
Hand me that solar-powered flashlight.
Hand me that dolphin burger. Yeah, the one in styrofoam.
Handle yourself with your head, handle others with your heart.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued is always just beyond your grasp, but
which, if you will sit down, quietly will light upon you. --Hawthorne
Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.
Happiness is a hard disk.
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Happiness is like perfume: You can't give it away without getting a little on yourself.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Happiness is the feeling you get if you give up a pleasure in order to allow others to have
one. --Bethania McKinstry
Happiness is wanting what you have.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard Work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Hardware Independent: Won't work on ANY hardware!
Hardware: the part you kick.
Have a nice day - void where prohibited.
Have we learned from our past, or merely about it?
Have you hugged an electric fence today?
Have you tried on your smile today?
Having a good memory is useless unless you have something good to remember.
He "May I kiss you?" She "Heavens, another amateur!"
He does the work of 3 Men; Moe, Larry & Curly
He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
He has been upset ever since he found out there was no Santa Claus.
He is a fool who cannot be angry, but he is a wise man who will not.
He is almost a statesman. He lies well.
He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower. --Mary Howitt
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He keeps differentiating - flying off on a tangent.
He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.
He lives long that lives until all are weary of him.
He that can have patience can have what he will. --Benjamin Franklin
He that cannot forgive others breads the very bridge over which he must pass, for
everyone has need to be forgiven. --George Herbert
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He that falls into sin is a man, he that grieves at it is a saint, he that boasts of it is a devil.
--Fuller
He that knows little soon repeats it.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who does good for good's sake seeks neither praise nor reward, but is sure of both in
the end. --William Penn
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how. --Nietzsche
He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.
He who hesitates is last.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who is most concerned is always the last to hear.
He who is not grateful for the good things he has would not be happy with what he
wishes he had.
He who knows all the answers never gets asked the questions.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives for this life only will have eternity to regret it.
He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
He who mistrusts most should be trusted least!
He who never sticks out neck, never wins by nose.
He who pays in advance is always badly served. --Celio Devenot
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
He who recognizes his own ignorance visualizes wisdom. --Confucius
He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to get ashes.
He who slings mud loses ground.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He who spares the guilty threatens the innocent.
He who tells you how great he is usually isn't.
He who thinks wisdom is greater than virtue will lose his wisdom. --Hebrew Proverb
He who treads softly goes far. --Chinese Proverb
He wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore.
He's not dead, he's metabolically challenged.
He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
He's so dumb he thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds!
He's studying to be a child molester at the Seminary.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health is not valued until sickness comes.
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
Hearts may agree, though heads differ.
Heaven is prepared for people who are prepared for heaven.
Heaven must be in me before I can be in heaven.
Helium: what doctors do.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Help fight truth decay.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
Help! I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
Help! I've fallen and can't reach the keyboard.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Here lies my wife: Here let her lie! Now she's at rest, and so am I. --John Dryden (16311700) epitaph on his wife’s grave
Here's the latest baseball scores...1-3, 4-2, 1-2, & 4-6.
Hey, Ain't that your dog attackin' the president?
Hey Santa! How much for your list of naughty girls?
Hey! Those aren't dilithium; they're Folgers crystals!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?
Hi, I'm a virus. Add me to your CONFIG.SYS file!
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF in your CONFIG.SYS
Hindsight is always 20/20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire teen-agers while they still know everything.
His fork only has one tong.
Historian: person with extra-century perception.
Historians prophesy about the past.
History: An illusion caused by the passage of time.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
History tends to exaggerate. --Colonel Green
Hit any user to continue.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. --Robert
Frost
Home is the nicest place you will ever go.
Homo Sapiens is a virus & the earth has it.
Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.
Honesty is almost always the best policy.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Honey, tell Santa I need more ammo.
HONEY! Put that shotgun DOWN! I'm quitting NOW!!
Honk if you love obscene gestures.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Hoooow much is that Blooonde in the window!?
Hope is sweeter than possession.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Horse sense is usually found in a stable mind.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. --W. C.
Fields
Horse wins once, luck; Horse wins twice, coincidence; Horse wins three times, bet on
the horse. --Ancient Chinese Proverb
Hot dogs are best when served with a ballgame.
Houseguests, like fish, stink after the third day.
HOUSEWORK never killed anyone, but why take the chance!!
How about a helicopter with an ejection seat?
How blind are those who refuse to see?
How can a man die with sage in his garden?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can you know where you are going if you don't know where you are?
How can you see the future if you can't see the present?
How can you avoid hurting someones feelings without being a liar?
How can you tell if a politician is lying? His lips move!
How can you think outside the box if you don't know what the box is?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did Simple Simon tell his two horses apart? The black one was two hands taller
than the white!
How do I set my laser printer to stun???
How do you know it's summer in Seattle? The rain's warmer.
How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?
How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!
How do you double the value of a Pinto? Fill the tank.
How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
How does one spell socialism? l-i-b-e-r-a-How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many coming men has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends a lot on where you go.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Humans are not allowed to dance in this parade.
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls
him. --Romain Gary
Humorists: Those who can talk sensibly about a controversy.
Hungry men think the cook lazy.
Hydrogen and Stupidity - the two most common elements.
Hydrogen bombs make great party gags!
i souport publik edekashun
I *HATE* it when my serial port goes Snap Crackle Pop!
I added water, the oatmeal still tasted odd. Oh, HOT water.
I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught. --Winston Churchill
I am an optimistic pessimist.
I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I am not arguing with you; I am telling you.
I am not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be.
I am the root of some evil - send some money.
I am their leader, which way did they go?
I AM NOW in Yuba City and I'm still not ASHAMED!
I backed up my hard drive and ran into a bus.
I believe in free will - I have no choice!
I believe in a God that made men, not in a God that men made. --Karr
I believe there is a higher power: it's called the government.
I bought a cured ham. It had a pulled Hamstring.
I bought powdered water the other day. I don't know what to do with it.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I brake for brick walls.
I call things as I see them. Otherwise, I make them up.
I came real close to seeing Elvis, then my shovel broke.
I can never find the time to procrastinate.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn! I still have cheques!
I can't decide whether to vacillate or not.
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
I come from a minority, my parents loved me. --B. Seigel
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your HORN louder.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain just to be a vegetarian.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them.
I don't care what happened today.
I don't care if I am a lemming, I'm not going!
I don't do Windows, but OS/2 does.
I don't GET headaches, I GIVE them!
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. --Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't know what I like, but I know what art is.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it.
I escaped from a political correction facility.
I feel more like I do now than I did before.
I figure that my psychic should know when to call me.
I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it.
I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!!
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I found my Trill....on blueberry hill......
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
I get mail, therefore I exist.
I had a life once. Now I have a computer.
I had one just like it, only different.
I hate making predictions; especially about the future!
I have .25 Clusters per Sector.
I have a black belt in haiku.
I have a crank to start my car. She drives me to work, too.
I have a magnetic personality - keep me away from diskettes.
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
I have decided to devote my entire career to looking for a career.
I have great faith in agnosticism.
I have tried relaxing but somehow I just feel better all up-tight.
I haven't lost my mind...it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I know it all, I just can't remember it all at once.
I know my efforts deserve my goals, but are my goals worth my efforts?
I know so little, but I know it fluently.
I lied! I'll NEVER be alright!
I like all the old traditions. I can remember my mommy saying, "Mind your manners,
honey. Someday they'll come back in style. --Marion Green
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved. The realm of silence is long
enough beyond the grave. --George Eliot
I like the word `indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy. --Bern Williams
I like work. I can sit and watch it for hours.
I live in a quiet neighborhood - We use silencers.
I live so far in the country, my zipcode is EIEIO!
I love cats . . . they taste like chicken.
I love the smell of RAID in the summer!
I love this technical talk.
I LOVE the smell of cordite in the morning!
I made it foolproof, but they're making better fools.
I may be lost, but I'm way ahead of schedule.
I may have settled in shipping.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. --Ashleigh Brilliant
I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!
I must have a rapier wit; everyone keeps parrying.
I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do
now. --Will Rogers
I never metamucil I didn't like.
I never metaphysics I didn't like.
I often daydream about my inability to fantasize.
I parked my hard disk - and got a ticket!
I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course.
I played poker with tarot cards; got a flush and five people died.
I poured Spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone! :-(
I remember when Saturns were rockets, not cars.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
I see a moderator! Quick - change the subject!
I sentence you to hang by the neck until you cheer up.
I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it?
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
I support drug tests. Test the politicians.
I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.
I think I think, therefore I might be.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
I think, therefore I am ... dangerous.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I thought YOU took the house keys.
I took an IQ test and it came back negative.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.
I tried OS/2 once, but I didn't inhale.
I tried to drown my problems but they can swim.
I tried to play my shoehorn, but all I got were footnotes.
I type softly and carry a *BIG* electromagnet
I used to be a stud, now I'm a spud.
I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
I used to be confused, but now I'm not so sure
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I voted for Change! And that's all I've got left.
I want to be a veterinarian because I love children.
I was a war baby; one look at me and my parents fought!
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. --Mark Twain
I was on a roll, 'till I slipped on the butter.
I was Rush Limbaugh in a previous life.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
I welcome criticism write yours here _______
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I would rather men asked why there is no statue of me than to have them ask why one
was erected. --Disraeli
I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
I'd be a narcissist, but I'm WAY too ugly.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd have written sooner but I thought I owed you money.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I'd rather look for dead people than have 'em look for me.
I'd rather lose my memory than my..ummm...ahhh...never mind.
I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.
I'll Have What The Fellow On The Floor Is Having
I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.
I'm a fragment of your imagination.
I'm a great believer in luck. The harder I work the more I have of it. --Thomas Jefferson
I'm a natural blonde, so please speak slowly.
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic always out to get myself.
I'm a pea - I can feel a princess through 50 mattresses.
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
I'm definitely positively maybe decisive.
I'm donating my body to science fiction!
I'm FLYING...I'm FLYING....<THUD>
I'm growing older but not up. --Jimmy Buffett
I'm having an out-of-money experience.
I'm in shape - round's a shape isn't it?
I'm in shape - decapolyhedron that is.
I'm just here for moral support...ignore the gun.
I'm living proof that God has a sense of humor.
I'm more humble than you are!
I'm multitasking. I'm reading in the bathroom.
I'm neither for nor against apathy.
I'm not a Kennedy, my pants just fell down!
I'm not a crook. I'm just ethically challenged.
I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.
I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals.
I'm not dead, I'm metabolically challenged.
I'm not easily offended - please try harder.
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not old. I'm chronologically gifted.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.
I'm not short; I'm "vertically challenged."
I'm not sloppy, I'm organizationally challenged.
I'm not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.
I'm NOT 30 - I am 18 with 12 years experience!
I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me.
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. --Mark
Twain
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm positively enameled with this subject.
I'm practicing assertiveness. Do you think that's okay?
I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
I'm still waiting for the Psychic Network to call ME.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.
I'm trying to find myself. Has anyone seen me lately?
I'm wobbling and I can't fall down! --Weeble
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I've fallen and I can't get down, --James Brown
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've got a mind like a... a... what's that thing called?
I've had BETA days ... and nights!!!
I've never met a GUI I couldn't crash.
I've seen you before. Milk carton?
I've told you a million times to quit exaggerating.
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
IBM: I've Been Misled.
IBM - Making tomorrow's mistakes TODAY!
IBM stands for 'Inferior But Marketable'
IBM: When you care enough to spend the very most
Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If {COMMO} is a porche then Qmodem is a Volvo.
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be for the Feds.
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out of it's nose?
If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If a sight is worth seeing, someone will build a highway to it.
If a system doesn't have to be reliable, it can do anything else. --H. H. Williams
If a task is once begun, never leave it till it's done. Be the labor great or small, do it well
or not at all.
If a tree falls and hits a mime, does he make a sound?
If all else fails, immortality can be assured by spectacular error.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone must take an
equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. --Socrates
If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work. --Wm.
Shakespeare
If ambition doesn't hurt, you do not have it.
If anyone has an idea why I do this, keep it to yourself.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, deny you even tried.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished+
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try cash !
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
If at first you don't succeed, ignore the docs.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If Clinton didn't inhale, how come his brain is fried?
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -Alistair Cooke.
If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of
putting them in.
If every fool wore a crown, we would all be kings.
If everyone is on the bandwagon, who's gonna pull?
If everyone thought before they spoke, the silence would be deafening.
If everything seems to be going well, you've probably overlooked something.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant!
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out his windows.
If God seems farther from us today than He did yesterday, we should know who has
moved.
If God thought that nudity was okay, we would have been born naked.
If God wanted us to vote he'd give us candidates
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If homosexuality is disease, can I call in queer?
If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a Porsche?
If I can't take it with me, I ain't goin'.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. --Albert Einstein
If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes sooner.
If I put water in my dog's mouth, will bells ring?
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If IBM has Bugs, does an Apple have Worms?
If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss - then why aren't you smiling?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. --Ronald Reagan
If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it.
If it falls on your head you know it's a rock
If it feels good, don't do it.
If it is to be, it is up to me.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it screams, it's best not to eat it.
If it screams, it's not food - yet.
If it wasn't for C we'd be using BASI, PASAL, and OBOL!
If it's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
If it's seems to God to be True: IT IS!!!
If it's stupid, but it works, then it's not stupid.
If it's tourist season, Why can't we shoot them?
If J. Paul Getty opened a health resort, would it be a Spa-Getty?
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. --Tom Robbins
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If nothing is impossible, how do you get off a mailing list?
If one does not fail at times, then one has not challenged himself. --Dr. Porsche
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
If people learn from their mistakes, many are getting a fantastic education.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If PRO is the opposite of CON, what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.
If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. --Pope
John Paul
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If the customer wants vanilla, give him vanilla.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of
the Code of Federal Regulations implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S.
citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
If the shoe fits, buy it. --Imelda Marcos
If there is no God, who always pops the next Kleenex?
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If we give everything we have for eternal life, it will be the best bargain we can make. -Sterling W. Sill
If we have our "why" of life, we can bear almost any "how". --Frederich Nietzsche
If we learn for each success, and each failure, and improve ourselves through this
process, then, at the end, we will have fulfilled our potential and performed well. --Dr.
Porsche
If written correctly, legalese is perfectly incomprehensible.
If ya can't say anything nice, sit by me.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. --Mark Twain
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
If you can read this, you're in range.
If you can see the floor, it doesn't need to be cleaned.
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have
learned how to live. --Lin Yutang
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. --Zippy the Pinhead
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you cannot be a star, you need not be a cloud. --J.J.
If you come up with a lemon, make lemonade.
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you don't follow your conscience, you're headed for trouble.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't ask, you'll NEVER know.
If you don't have a memory like an elephant, leave tracks like one.
If you don't know what it does, don't fool with it!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you expected it to be easy, you should have become a politician.
If you get up one time more than you fall you will make it through.
If you had one less chromosome, you'd be a Simpson!
If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong. --Craig Zerouni, Computer
FX Ltd.
If you have to be responsible, it's not power.
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class?
If you have to tell people you're famous, you aren't.
If you hear an onion ring, please answer it!
If you itch for it, scratch for it.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you lie to the computer, it will get you. --Perry Farrar
If you love life, it will love you back.
If you make the same mistake more than twice, it is no longer a mistake, but a habit.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them
think they'll hate you.
If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. -Snoopy
If you run after two hares, you will catch neither.
If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
If you think yesterday was a drag, just wait until you see tomorrow!
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you throw enough mud at the wall, some of it is bound to stick.
If you wanna know the value of money, try to borrow some.
If you want a symbolic gesture, don't burn a flag - wash it. --Norman Thomas
If you want to kill time, why not try working it to death?
If you want to cheer up, cheer up someone.
If you want something badly, that is how you get it.
If you want enemies, excel your friends; if you want friends, let your friends excel you.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
If you're feeling low, don't despair. The sun has a sinking spell every night, but it comes
back up every morning.
If you're not rejected at least three times a week you're not really trying.
If you've got part of it, flaunt that part.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down.
If your parents didn't have children, odds are that you won't either.
If your ship doesn't come in, swim to it.
Ignorance doesn't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot. --Haitian Proverb
Ignorance is temporary; Stupidity lasts forever!!!
Illegal parameter "SOLDIER.GAY": Discharge/ Ignore (D/I)?
Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!
Imagination is the highest kite that one can fly. --Lauren Becall
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. --Jules de Gaultier
Impeach Clinton! And her husband too!
Improve mail delivery - mail the posties their pay!!
Improve your memory, forget about work.
In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats
In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what's going on. This
person must be identified and fired.
In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. -Gordon B. Hinkley
In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and make it better!
In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In England there are 60 religions and 3 sauces.
In every error there is some hidden truth, even as there is an error in almost every
human truth. --Saint Augustine
In every large problem is a small problem waiting to get out.
In every real man a child is hidden who wants to play.
In fair weather prepare for foul.
In God we trust, all others we voice verify.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.
In matters of conscience, the law of majority has not place. --Mohandas Gandhi
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In order to reach the sea, a river often detours around many obstacles.
In our daily lives it is impossible for us to cheat a little and still be honest. --Henry D.
Moyle
In politics you can often be wrong but never in doubt.
In prayer it is better to have a heart without words, than words without a heart. --John
Bunyan
In space, no one can hear you "Cha! Cha! Cha!"
In stereo where available. .elbailiava erehw oerets nI
In the beginning, God didn't have an installer.
In the presence of great men, even fools hide their faults.
In the race for quality, there is no finish line.
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. --Paul
Harvey
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Incontinence Hotline.Can you hold, please?
Incorrigible punster - Do not incorrige.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Individualists of the world - UNITE!
Industry standard: The way IBM *WON'T* do it.
Inferiority: What you enjoy in your best friends. --Lord Chesterfield
Infinity means a 100% probablity of everything.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Innuedo: An Italian suppository.
Insanity is just a state of mind.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?
Instead of headlights, I put strobe lights on my head.
Instead of putting others in their place put yourself in their place.
Instruction ends in the classroom, but education ends only with life.
Instruction, like water, takes the shape of the vessel into which it is poured.
Insufficient Memory: Remove the "Buffers=655,360" line.
Interchangeable parts - Don't.
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
Intuition is reason in a hurry.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Is that an XT? Oh, you're running Windows.
Is the "Truth" so bizarre it is unbelievable?
Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too?
Is there a lawyer is the house? -=}BLAM{=- Any more?
Is there any truth to the rumor that everything is really okay?
Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn.
Isn't 'Dumb Blonde' a peroxymoron?
It ain't the size of the pencil, but how well you write
It has been discovered: Research causes cancer in rats.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is always much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is as natural to die as to be born.
It is bad luck to be superstitious. --Andrew W. Mathis
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
It is better to burn the candle at both ends, and in the middle too, than to put it in the
closet and let the mice eat it. --Henry Van Dyke
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It is better to know useless things than nothing?
It is better to be wise than to be smart.
It is better to be hated than to be ignored.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
It is following the paths of least resistance that makes men and rivers crooked.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason. --Einstein
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is never too late to learn.
It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do for which we are accountable. -Moliere
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. --Descartes
It is not necessary to fall into a well to know its depth.
It is our right to vote for whatever suits us. --Kenneth Cole
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. --Hawkwind
It is useless for sheep to pass laws concerning vegetarianism when wolves are of a
different opinion.
It is very good to be important, but it is much more important to be good.
It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It isn't important how a man died. What is important is how he lived. --G. B. Shaw
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It may be that perpetual peace can only be brought about by perpetual war.
It only works when you're not looking.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It takes 11 cockroaches to mail a letter.
It takes 4 years to get a PhD and 40 years to get over it
It takes a mature person to be really young.
It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It was a brave person who first ate an oyster.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.
It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. --Will Rogers
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
It's a terrible thing to waste one's mind --Dan Quayle
It's a wise man who profits by his own experience, but it's a good deal wiser one who
lets the rattlesnake bite the other fellow. --Josh Billings
It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
It's always too soon to quit.
It's amazing how much mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
It's as easy as 3.14159265358979323846.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to sleep on what you intend to do than to stay awake over what you have
done.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's better to burn out than to fade away!
It's better to understand a little than misunderstand a lot. --Anatole France
It's easier to do good than be good.
It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem.
It's Ensign Pillsbury, Jim. He's bread.
It's hard to be humble when you are so perfect.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's mind over matter - it you don't mind, it don't matter.
It's more fun to ride in a luge if you keep your fingers inside.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not 55mph, it's 147,840 furlongs per fortnight.
It's not a perfect world, but what's your excuse?
It's not a rumor. It's something I heard.
It's not a matter of life and death - it's much more important than that.
It's not cute being this easy.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not how old you are but how you are old.
It's not my fault, I didn't touch it!
It's not only who you know but what you know about who you know that counts.
It's not only fine feathers that make fine birds.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's only eighteen inches between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants.
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's such a fine line between clever and stupid.
It's sweet to be remembered, but cheaper to be forgotten.
It's terrible when your cats tease you.
It's the hard jobs we tackle daily that get us places. All easy roads seem to lead
downhill. --Sen. Irving Ives
It's the media's right to print whatever they see fit. It's our right not to buy it. --Kenneth
Cole
It's tough to make a mistake, but it's still tougher to find out you're so unimportant that
nobody noticed it.
Its hard to be graceful getting off your high horse.
Its not a bug, its an undocumented feature.
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
Jealousy: all the fun you think they have.
Jealousy is the greatest evil.
Jean-Luc, I just love your new hairstyle!
Jeanne's Two Laws of Chocolate: If there is no chocolate in the house, there is too little;
some must be purchased. If there is chocolate in the house, there is too much; it must
be consumed.
Jerusalem was destroyed because it's inhabitants interpreted the laws by the letter, not
by the spirit. --Babylon Talmud
Jimmy Hoffa, call your office.
Join the apathy club. We don't care!
Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
Judge only a bee by the first impression. --Arnold H. Glasgow
Judge people by what they are, not where they are.
JUMP! - One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Jurassic Park: dinosaurs real, actors simulated.
Just a spoonful of sugar helps medicine go down in a very delightful way; it can change
ordinary bread and water into cake and tea. --Mary Poppins
Just adding features because 'it won't hurt' - does.
Just another line in the field of time.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it
is.
Just bungled it trying to be smart.
Just don't let Kirk show you what he calls "The Captain's Log."
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS Audit!
Just my luck - my psychotic episode is a rerun.
Just when you think you're winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Keep America Beautiful - swallow your beer cans.
Keep America Beautiful. Emigrate.
Keep laughing at death, and eventually at least you may die laughing.
Keep repeating: It's only four years......
Keep your eyes open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. --Helen Keller
Keep your ideals high enough to inspire you and low enough to encourage you.
Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them later.
KENNEDY COMPOUND - KEEP OUT - TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED
Kerry promises changes and changes promises
Kerry not a crook; He's "ethically challenged."
Keyboard: device used to enter errors into the computer.
Khotso Pula Nala* Peace Rain Prosperity
Kibitzer: A person with an interferiority complex.
Kids - They're not sleeping, they're recharging!
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Kindness consists of loving people more than they deserve.
Kindness is like a boomerang - it always comes back.
Kirk to Enterprise, Kirk to Enterprise! DAMN, it's BUSY!
Kisses are love's messengers.
Kissing a man without a moustache is like eating an egg without salt.
Kites rise higher against the wind, not with it. --W. Churchill
Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
Kleptomaniac: a rich thief.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Knowing Murphy's law won't help.
Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.
Knowledge is essential, but simply knowing is not enough: Satan himself knows much,
but he uses what he knows negatively. --Richard L. Evans
Knowledge is knowing that you don't know.
Knowledge is power - if you know it about the right person.
Knowledge is power! (but so is batteries!)
Knowledge is so proud that he has learned so much. Wisdom is humble that he knows
no more. --Cowper
La la la la la AAAAAAGGGH! - The Smurfs versus Godzilla
Labor: one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LAPD Motto: We Treat You Like a King
Latin is a real angina gluteus maximus.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter lubes life's engine.
Laughter - the no side effect tranquilizer.
Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a
vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law of Supply: It's yours if you don't need nor want it.
Lawmakers should not be lawbreakers.
Lawyer: the larval form of a Politician
Lawyers work in their briefs.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your
defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Leakproof seals - Do.
Learn from your parents mistakes; use birth control.
Learn to live for today; most worries are about yesterday and tomorrow.
Learn why the world wags and what wags it.
Learning isn't a means to an end; it is an end in itself. --Robert A. Heinlein
Learning to build we learn integrity
Left lane must turn right.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy. --Thomas Hobbes
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Less government is better!
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let him who would move the world first move himself. --Socrates
Let not your tongue cut your throat.
Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars!
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Let us so live that when the time comes to die we will not be afraid to die, and when we
do die, we will not be afraid to live again.
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Lets all take the TIME to really LISTEN 2 r KIDS
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life has a value only when it has something valuable as its object. --Hegel
Life is a lot like a high-school algebra class: Every time you get one problem solved, the
teacher is waiting to give you another. --Quoted by James Dent
Life is a problem. Be sure that you solve it correctly, as it can never be done but once.
Life is a journey, not a camp. --Hugh B. Brown
Life is a yo-yo and mankind keeps tying knots in the string.
Life is a bifurcated chaotic attractor and then you die.
Life is a sexual transmitted disease that is always fatal
Life is a horse, either you ride it or it rides you.
Life is eternal and we should get a long view of it.
Life is full of undocumented features!
Life is just a figment of my imagination.
Life is like riding a bicycle: You don't fall off unless you stop peddling. --Claude Pepper
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Life is neither a good nor an evil, but simply the scene of good and evil. --Seneca
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Life is one long process of getting tired.
Life is only understood backward, but must be lived forward.
Life is the childhood of immortality. --Goethe
Life is the art of being well-deceived.
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. --John Christian
Life is too short not to be in love !
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. --Ernestine Ulmer.
Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Life is what goes by while you are watching television.
Life itself is a race, marked by a start, and a finish. It is what we learn during the race,
and how we apply it, that determines whether our participation has had particular value. -Dr. Porsche
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Life's contradictions tend to grow
Life's not passing me by....it's RUNNING ME OVER!!!!
Light at end of tunnel will be out until further notice.
Light at the end of the tunnel? Look out for that train.
Limbaugh Institute FOR Advanced Conservative Studies.
Little things attract little minds.
Little things come in small packages.
Live now - procrastinate tomorrow!
Loafer - someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Loan someone a sympathetic ear.
Locked coat hanger in car; good thing I had a key.
Logic is a pretty wreath of flowers that smells bad
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
Lonesome is being the "first" modem user
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Looking out for #1, trying not to step in #2.
Lord Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to
make a decision.
Lose weight - eat stuff you hate.
Lose weight - put a scale in front of the 'frig.
Losing makes winning worthwhile.
Lots of people think it's all right to go out on a limb because that's where the fruit is.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
LOTUS - Let Only The Users Suffer.
Love alone determines who is your neighbor.
Love America - or give it back.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love does much but money does more.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.
Love is like a pair of socks - you must have two and they have to match.
Love is nothing more than sentimental measles.
Love sees no faults.
Love shines like a burning star falling from the sky.
Love without ceasing, give without measure; who can exhaust God's limitless treasure? -Malcolm Schloss
Low aim, not failure, is our greatest sin.
LSD makes your CGA monitor display 16.7 million colors.
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII.
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with.
MacIntosh: Computer with training wheels you can't remove.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Mad at your neighbor? Buy his kid a drum!
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
Mafia DOS: "thisa you lasta chance [Y/N]?"
Maintenance release - The janitor wrote it!
Make a living, but make room for life.
Make Headlines - use a corduroy pillow.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Man and wife make one fool.
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. --Mark Twain
Man who say it cannot be done should not interrupt woman doing it. --Old Chinese
Proverb
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Mankind are very odd creatures: one half censure what they practice, the other half
practice what they censure. The rest always say and do what they ought. --Benjamin
Franklin
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a live wire would be a dead one except for it's connections. --Wilson Miener
Many a man never fails because he never tries.
Many a tombstone is carved by chiseling in traffic.
Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to tremendous difficulties.
Many people don't lack strength, they lack will.
Many times in order to receive something, you have to ask for it.
Many times our difficulties are not a lack of knowledge; we know what we ought to do,
but we lack the desire to do it.
Many would be cowards if they had enough courage.
Marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish.
Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. --Joseph Barth
Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. --Voltaire
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Marxists do it with class.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
Mary had a little lamb, support Planned Parenthood.
Massive expenditures obscure the evidence of bad judgments.
Math and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.
May I buy less government please?
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
May the work that you do be the play that you love. --Emerson
Maybe it was something your mother took during pregnancy.
Me and my two friends, GIF and Wesson.
Me hates peoples who don't use gooder English.
Me, indecisive? I'm not so sure about that.
Meets government specs, if any are applicable.
Megahertz - when something is really painful.
Member ACNE: Anonymous Computer Nerds Eclectic
Men are made rich, not by what the world can give, but by what it cannot take away.
Men are most apt to believe what they least understand.
Men are neither suddenly rich nor suddenly good.
Men are not hanged for stealing a horse, but that horses may not be stolen. --Lord
Halifax
Men do less than they ought unless they do all they can. --Carlyle
Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are. --James Allen
Men invented computers to drive women crazier!
Men show their character best by the things they laugh at.
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but - live for it. -Charles Caleb Colton
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Merely having an open mind is nothing. The object of opening the mind, as of opening
the mouth, is to shut it again on something solid. --Gilbert Keith Chestertorn
METRONOME - a small person riding the subway.
Mice Krispies - Breakfast food for the healthy cat!
Mickey Mouse wears a Ronald Reagan watch.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Microsecond: Amount of time needed for a program to bomb
Microsoft Piracy Hotline 1-800-NO-COPYN.
Microsoft Windows - proof that P.T. Barnum was correct.
MicroSoft Support isn't!
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Millihelen: unit of beauty required to launch one ship.
Minding your own business will not be tolerated.
Minds are like parachutes; they only work when they're open.
Minnesota ... Home of the MOOSEquito
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
Misfortunes one can endure - they come from outside, they are accidents. But to suffer
for one's own faults - Ah! there is the sting of life.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
Mistakes will happen, but don't give them too much help.
Mistrust first impulses, they are always good.
MODEM: Modus Operandi Device for Evil Minds
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
Modesty is good bait when fishing for praise.
Modulation in all things.
Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one
of a sled dog team; no one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
Money Can Make You Rich!
Money can't buy poverty-you sort of have to earn it.
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money is a lousy means of keeping score.
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept.
Money is like manure - it is meant to be spread around.
Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots.
Money is the root of all evils. Send $20 for more information.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Money lent to a friend must be recovered from an enemy.
Money makes not so many true friends as real enemies.
Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. --Henrik Ibsen
Money talks, anyone can understand it.
Money talks! Mine just said goodbye!!
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Montana - at least the cows are sane.
Moral: Design before you implement.
Morality is a disease which progresses in three stages: virtue-boredom-syphilis. --Karl
Kraus
More people are run down by gossip than by automobiles.
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
Morfy's law: Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
Mormonism is the greatest machine existing, in our day, for the formation of great men
and great women. --F. D. Roosevelt
Morning after pill for men - it changes your blood type.
Most great discoveries start with making a mistake.
Most men have died without creating; not one has died without destroying.
Most of the shadows that cross our path in life are caused by standing in our own light.
Most of us will do anything to become good except change our way of living.
Most people don't care what happens so long as it doesn't happen to them.
Most people have two reasons for doing things; the one that sounds good, and the real
one. --J.P. Morgan
Most people raise their voice rather than reinforcing their point.
Most visions of utopian society don't take into account that the idealogical descendants
of Ghengis Khan and Attila the Hun are alive & well & sitting next to you on the bus.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere.
MP stands for Magnificent Pension.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Much of the charity that begins at home is too feeble to get our of doors.
Multimedia: Offline reading and wearing a Walkman.
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
Murder is just an extroverted suicide.
Murphy IS out there ... WAITING.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Murphy's Law fails only when you try to demonstrate it.
Must Go - Our Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My baby done erased me from the hard disk of her heart
My brain operation was considered minor surgery.
My cat has 9 lives, but my frog croaks daily!
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My dad hit me only once - with the Buick.
My disappointments come in all sizes, to fit my hopes.
My driving teacher had a pitchfork & he wasn't a farmer.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people; those who do the work
and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less
competition there. --Indira Gandhi
My Guru told me there'd be lifetimes like this.
My horse got shot, so I had to break his leg.
My Hovercraft is full of eels.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My kid just beat up your honor student.
My last original thought died of loneliness.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
My life is not organized around high probability events.
My machine will do lunch with yours.
My mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other brain's an Einstein.
My other vehicle is a Ferengi Marauder.
My reality check just bounced.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife or my modem? Gee, I'll miss her.
Nature Always Sides With The Hidden Flaw !
Nature seems determined to make us work. The less hair we have to comb, the more
face we have to wash.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet" deny your own experience or convictions. --Dag
Hammarskjold
Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and go well with Brie!
Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one.
Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.
Never ask for a pardon before you have been accused.
Never buy anything with a handle on it. It means work. --Henry A. Smith
Never call a man fool when you can borrow money from him instead.
Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never get between a fat guy and the candy machine.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never go to sea with two chronometers, take one or three.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Never joke with the ignorant. They take it seriously and think you're crazy.
Never judge a book by its movie.
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never slap a child in the face - there are plenty of other places.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant!
Never step in anything soft.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Never use no double negatives.
Newsflash! Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Nine months? Why were you in such a hurry at the end?
Ninety-nine percent of failure comes from people who have the habit of making excuses.
--George Washington Carver
Ninja Sminga. You can't Karate chop a bullet.
No amount of poor schooling can spoil a good student.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No answer is also an answer.
No, dear - smoke is SUPPOSED to come out.
No evil is greater than indifference to evil.
No executive ever devotes any effort to proving himself wrong.
No generalization is true - not even this one.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No honest man ever repented of his honesty.
No - I have not grown roots into this chair!
No man is safe unless he is master of himself. There is no tyrant so merciless or more
to be dreaded that an uncontrollable appetite or passion. --Joseph F. Smith
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No man is a fool always, but all men are fools sometimes.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti - it requires so much attention.
No man's opinion is entirely worthless. Even a watch that is stopped is right twice a day.
No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball
No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
No matter how high a man rises he needs someone to look up to.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No matter which way you spit, it's up wind.
No matter who you vote for the government wins!
No member of the Church -husband, father- has the right -ever- to express a cross word
to his wife or to his children. --David O. McKay
No mud can soil us but the mud we throw.
No offence intended to those that offence not intended to.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear.
No one ever said freedom was free.
No one ever listened himself out of a job. --Calvin Coolidge
No one is useless in the world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else. --Dickens
No one is strong enough to bear his burdens alone.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No one would ever have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in a
storm.
No one's lot in life is so hard he can't build upon it.
No persons are more frequently wrong than those who will not admit they are wrong. -Franklin Rochefoucauld
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No purchase required, details inside package.
No Radio - already stolen.
No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No special reason, just government policy.
No speech can be entirely bad if it is short enough.
No straw, no camel's back, but SOMETHING broke!
No, Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!
No, that chair isn't saved. But we're praying for it!
No, not dead, "electroencephalographically challenged."
Noah saved animals from the flood by arcing them!
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever puts out a sign that says NICE DOG.
Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.
Nobody wins when we play favorites.
Nostalgia gets old.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not all the cookies are in the jar.
Not only does God play dice with the universe, but sometimes he throws them where
they cannot be seen. --Stephen Hawking
Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think. --Werner
Heisenberg
Not only is there an art in knowing a thing, but also a certain art in teaching it. --Cicero
Not the cry, but the flight of the wild duck leads the flock to fly and follow. --Chinese
Proverb
Not what I have but what I am is my kingdom.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing can dim the beauty that shines from within.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing found on any drive . . . (R)etry (C)ry (D)rink
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free, or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is interesting if you're not interested.
Nothing is more conducive to arriving nowhere than to be going nowhere. That's the
spot where, with no guide posts and little urge, one arrives with utmost certainty. -Unknown
Nothing is more terrible than to see ignorance in action. --Goethe
Nothing is opened more often by mistake than the mouth.
Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
Nothing is sometimes the best thing to say.
Nothing is worth more than this day. --Goethe
Nothing makes a vacation seem better than hindsight.
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there. --Franklin
P. Jones
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss do an honest day's work.
Nothing really happens until it happens to you.
Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that
something inside themselves was superior to circumstances. To choose the easy thing
is treason to the soul. --Bruce Barton
Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Nothing ventured... nothing gained... nothing taxed!!!
Nothing vouchered, nothing gained.
Nothing wrong that reincarnation won't cure.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now now, we're not schizophrenic, are we?
Now that I have a grip on reality I can strangle it.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke 'em till they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark!
Nuke the Whales!
O God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come:
Obey little! Resist much! Question authority! Eat fibre!
Obi Wan Kenobi at the dinner table: "Use the FORKS, Luke"
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Objects on screen are closer than they appear.
Observe the face of the wife to know the husband's character.
Occasional chair: What is it the rest of the time?
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has
no gills.
Of all acts of man repentance is the most divine. --Thomas Carlyle
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all liars, memory is the most convincing.
Of all the streets of the world, Easy Street is the hardest one to find. --Richard C. Miller
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I Know what I'm doing... ...NO CARRIER
Off-line Readers are commie plots to drive us crazy!
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts for support rather than
illumination.
Oh, hell! My mood ring just exploded!
Oh, I'm sorry. Were the voices in my head bothering you?
Oh, I've had such a curious dream! said Alice.
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Oh sure! But what's the speed of dark?
Oh, what tangled webs we weave When we first practice to deceive. --Sir Walter Scott
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
OK. I got a life. Now, what do I do with it?
Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Old age = you + 20 years.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
Old age comes at a bad time in life.
Old age needs so little, but it needs that little so much.
Old frogs never die. But they do croak!
Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake.
Old is when your back goes out more often than you do.
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give
bad examples.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Old poets never die, they just ride off into the sonnet.
Old soldiers never die. Young soldiers do.
On a clear disk you can seek forever
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
On the edge of a precipice, only a fool does cartwheels.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the plains of hesitation lie the bleached bones of men who, on the dawn of a great
victory in their lives, laid down to rest.
On what conclusions do you base your facts?
Once we know a spiritual truth we must choose whether we will conform our lives to it. -Henry B. Eyring
Once you have given me an assignment sooner would I die a thousand times than
forsake it. --Socrates
One accurate measurement is worth a thousand expert opinions.
One already wet does not fear the rain.
One can live in the world but not of the world. Be like the duck; calm and beautiful on
top, but paddling for all you are worth on the bottom.
One can never underestimate the intelligence of the electorate.
One enemy can harm you more than one hundred friends can do you good.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One father is worth more than a hundred school masters. --Herbert
One good turn gets all the blankets!
One-half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying
no soon enough. --Josh Billings
One hand cannot applaud.
One is tolerant only of that which does not concern him.
One kid I put thru college, the other I put thru a wall.
One legged girls are pushovers.
One lie makes many.
One little act of kindness is better than feelings of love for all mankind.
One loss doesn't make a season.
One man plus courage is a majority.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One man’s theology is another man's belly laugh.
One more good man on earth is better than an extra angel in heaven. --Chinese Proverb
One murder makes a villain, millions make a hero.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One of the great labor-saving devices of today is my spouse!
One of the great labor-saving devices of today is tomorrow.
One of the hardest secrets for a man to keep is his opinion of himself.
One of these words is illegible.
One of these days is none of these days.
One peels a problem like an onion.
One person's constant is another person's variable. --Susan Gerhard Micorelectronics
and Computer Technology Corp
One seventh of our lives is spent on Mondays.
One should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other
words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
One suggestion with a spark of truth is worth a hundred repetitions of sound platitudes. -Lin Binyan
One thing I know is that I know nothing. --Goethe
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
One who has a clear conscience has a foggy memory.
Only a ballplayer's errors are published every day.
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the bald truth on social occasions.
Only adults have trouble with child-proof bottles.
Only by living on the level can one rise to the highest plane.
Only by the negation does one arrive at the affirmation.
Only fools say it can't be done.
Only God can make random selections.
Only the game fish swims upstream.
Oops! You found another "Undocumented Feature!"
OPCODE: AAR = Alter at Random
OPCODE: AND = Accelerate Noisy Disk
OPCODE: AWTT = Assemble with Tinker Toys
OPCODE: CAPH = Convert All Prime numbers to Hex
OPCODE: CBNC = Close, but no Cigar
OPCODE: CLBRI = Clobber Register Immediately
OPCODE: CLD = Close Logical Door
OPCODE: CMPSW = Copy Multiple Programs to Standard Window
OPCODE: CNB = Cause Nervous Breakdown
OPCODE: COLB = Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
OPCODE: CPPR = Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
OPCODE: EXOP = Execute Operator
OPCODE: EXPP = Execute Political Prisoner
OPCODE: FLI = Flash Lights Impressively
OPCODE: FSM = Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
OPCODE: FSRA = Forms Skip and Run Away
OPCODE: HLT = Hide Last Term paper
OPCODE: IAE = Ignore All Exceptions
OPCODE: IIB = Ignore Inquiry and Branch
OPCODE: INT = Invade Next Terminal
OPCODE: IRET = Ignore Request and Explode Terminal
OPCODE: JO = Jail Owner
OPCODE: JP = Junk Program
OPCODE: PVLC = Punch Variable Length Card
OPCODE: RA = Randomize Answer
OPCODE: RASC = Read and Shred Card
OPCODE: RCB = Read Command Backwards
OPCODE: RDA = Refuse to Disclose Answer
OPCODE: RDB = Run Disk Backwards
OPCODE: SQPC = Sit Quietly and Play With Your Crayons
OPCODE: SSJ = Select Stacker and Jam
OPCODE: STA = Store Anywhere
OPCODE: STROM = Store in Read-only Memory
OPCODE: TARC = Take Arithmetic Review Course
OPCODE: UER = Update and Erase Record
OPCODE: ULDA = Unload Accumulator
OPCODE: UP = Understand Program
OPCODE: UPCI = Update Card In Place
OPCODE: WBT = Water Binary Tree
OPCODE: WEMG = Write Eighteen Minute Gap
OPCODE: WF = Wait Forever
OPCODE: WHFO = Wait Until Hell Freezes Over
OPCODE: WSWW = Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
OPCODE: WWLR = Write Wrong-Length Record
Open mouth, insert foot, echo internationally.
Open WINDOWS and you let BUGS in.
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Operator? Give me the number for nine-one-one!!
Opportunities do not wait.
Opportunity is often missed because it is disguised as hard work.
Optimist: Commodore computer salesman with a beeper.
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Originality: Undetected plagarism.
OS/2 didn't die. Windows NT did!
OS/2: JUST SAY NO!
OS/2: The only true 100% FAT free operating system.
OS/2: Upgrades are free. Who would PAY for it
OS/2: Your brain. Windows: Your brain on drugs.
OS/2: Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Others look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are gardeners. --William Shakespeare
Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves - to break
our own records, to outstrip our yesterday by our today. --Stewart B. Johnson
Our conduct is influenced, not by what we experience, but by our expectations.
Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fail. --Oliver
Goldsmith
Our own grief produces pity for another.
Our pleasures are imagined, but our griefs are all real.
Our view of God affects our outlook on life.
Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through
hell to get it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Out to Lunch. If not back by 5, then Out to dinner.
Over 49.99% of all people are below average
Over the hill? What hill? I didn't see a hill!
Oxymoron: "The honor of the French."
Oxymoron: Advanced BASIC.
Oxymoron: Open-minded liberal.
Oxymoron: Term meaning stupid as an Ox.
P'grammers don't change lite bulbs; that's a hardware pblm
Pain is forgotten; insult lingers on.
Pain is inevitable. Misery, however, is an option.
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
Palindrome: A dog! A panic in a pagoda.
Palindrome: Evil I did dwell; lewd did I live.
Palindrome: Rats live on no evil star.
Palindrome: Ten animals I slam in a net.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Paperless Office: Your stall in the bathroom!
Paradox - n., that which is not a paradox.
Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.
Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
Part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A
masterly retreat is in itself a victory.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
Passing on curves: What a beauty-contest judge does.
Patience abused becomes fury.
Patience is a necessary ingredient of genius.
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one
ahead of you.
PCDOS&MSDOS&CP/M&WINDOWS I'LLFIDDLEWITHOS/2WOULDN'TYOU?
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.
Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.
Peck! Peck! Peck! ... Boom! .... Chicken in a Minefield.
Pentium: Intel's version of the 586.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
People forget how fast you did a job, but remember how well you did it.
People from the past can give us pointers for the present.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
People say I'm indecisive. Am I? I don't know.
People seldom plan to fail, but they often fail to plan.
People seldom want to walk over you until you lie down.
People should be measured in feats, not feet.
People usually get what's coming to them, unless it's been mailed.
People want to know how much you care before they care how much you know. --James
F. Hind
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who kill people give guns a bad name.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who pun deserve to be drawn and quoted.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Permanent solutions never work.
Perseverance is getting on with the job when you know it's impossible.
Persons with any weight of character carry, like planets, their atmosphere along with
them in their orbits. --Thomas Hardy
Pets: pure love contained in soft packages.
Petting: A study of human anatomy in braille.
Pharmaceutical companies have it made. You have to take their vitamins so you can
open their medicine bottles.
PhD: Piled Higher and Deeper!
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic.
PI seconds is a nanocentury. --Tom Duff, Bell Labs
Pilgrims may follow but there can only be one Columbus.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Pioneers are the ones with the arrows in their backs.
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plain dealing is more often praised than practiced.
Plasma is another matter.
Plastic packaged foods are very uncanny.
Played poker with Tarot cards. Got a flush. 5 people died.
Please disregard the previous fortune cookie.
Please excuse my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Please, GOD, please save me from some of your followers.
Please help me to be patient. And Hurry!
Please hold, a representative will annoy you shortly.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
Please return stewardess to original upright position
Plow a straight furrow and you're in a rut.
Poise is the act of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof.
Polaroid: What a polar bear gets from sitting on ice.
Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Politics: Poli=Many, Tics=Blood sucking parasites.
Polluting New Jersey...like who's gonna notice?
Pollytheism n.; the belief that God is a parrot.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
Poverty and love are hard to hide.
Poverty is the root of all evil.
Power corrupts, but we still need electricity.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Power does not corrupt fools, but fools corrupt power.
Practically perfect people never let sentiment muddle their thinking. --Mary Poppins
Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect, so why practice?
Practice moderation in all things, but don't overdo it.
Practice random acts of kindness & senseless acts of beauty.
Practiss makes perfict.
Praise a wife but remain a bachelor.
Pray as if it were up to God, but work as if it were up to you.
Precinct toilets stolen! Police have nothing to go on.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prejudice is the child of ignorance.
Prejudice makes enemies - tolerance makes friends.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Preserve wildlife; pickle a squirrel.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press to test. Release to detonate.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Pride and grace never dwell in one place.
Pride in prosperity becomes misery in adversity.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Procrastination and indecision are the roads to failure.
Procrastination - the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. --Troutman's Second
Programming Postulate
Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must
maintain it.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate
objects.
Programmer's do it with bytes and nybbles.
Programmers don't die, they GOSUB without RETURN
Programmers never die, they branch off to a new address
Progress always involves risk; you can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. -Frederick Wilcox
Progress goes so fast that you have to run like everything to stay where you are.
Progress implies a direction.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Proper treatment can cure a cold in around seven days, but left to itself it'll hang on for
about a week.
Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it.
Protect your car: Use a club!
Prove that you can control yourself, and you are an educated man: and without this all
other education is good for nothing. --Roswell Dwight Hitchcock
Proverbial excrement hits oscillating air device.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Psst, your file is open.
Psychiairic: Wherever you go, You’re not all there
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse!
Push something hard enough and eventually it will fall over.
Put all your eggs in one basket, and WATCH THAT BASKET!
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your nose to the grindstone and you're a bloody fool.
Pygmies placed on giants' shoulders see more than the giants themselves.
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails, play dead)
Question authority before they question you!
Question authority, but raise your hand first.
Quietness is often strength; silence wisdom. The swift stream is not always powerful,
nor the noisy one deepest. Thus it is with life; the man of moral strength can afford to be
patient.
Race Car spelled backwards is Race Car!!!
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Raise ducks for a quack profit.
Raising Kids Is Like Trying To Heard Cats.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Random (Def.): We don't UNDERSTAND the pattern!
Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Read the best books first or you may not have a change to read them at all. --Thoreau
Real joy comes from doing something worthwhile.
Real power comes out of wall outlets.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write it should be hard to
understand.
Real programmers use COPY CON PROGNAME.EXE
Real Programmers make lousy managers.
Real race cars don't have fenders or doors or radios!
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality: a fantasy gone wrong, dreadfully wrong!!!
Reality does not exist - yet.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a sham.
Reality is a fictitious concept I find aesthetically appealing.
Reality is blinking again. Call for repairs.
Reality. What a concept!
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Reality? Is that where that Pizza Delivery Guy comes from?
Realize that EVERYTHING is a cat toy.
Really Get Stoned - Drink Wet Cement!
Recent studies show that recent studies are meaningless.
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive.
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Reduce your I.O.U. To I.R.S with an I.R.A.
Rehab is for quitters.
Reincarnation means you never get away with anything.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Relaxed Agnostic - I don't know any answers - I'm not looking
Remarriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience.
Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Remember that two wrongs do not make a right; but that three lefts do.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Remember when safe sex was not getting caught in the act?
Repartee: an insult with a suit and tie on.
Repeat..."It's just a show, I should really just relax."
Reply not necessary; just send money.
Republican's wealth = Middle Class sacrifice
Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
Research: noun - plural form of plagiarism.
Resistance Is Futile! (If < 1 ohm)
Respect must be earned, not commanded.
Revelation is always measured by capacity. --Margaret Fairless Barber
Roll up your sleeves...And you won't lose your shirt.
ROM instruction: (R)ead (O)perators (M)ind.
ROM wasn't built in a day.
Room for improvement is the largest room in the world.
Ross Perot is the Hamburglar. Pass it on.
Rubber bands have snappy endings.
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
Saints are sinners who kept trying. --Robert Louis Stevenson
Salvation is not what we achieve but what we receive.
Same to you (whatever you meant by that)!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Sarcasm works better when it's spelled correctly.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Save money buying shoes - they're only .85 at bowling alley
Save the Chocolate Moose!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Say it with flowers...Give her a Triffid.
Say nothing & they think your stupid. Talk & they know for sure.
Say... They didn't mention THIS in the brochures!
Schopenhauer named envy and sympathy as the characteristics that are responsible for
the main difference in people, stating that envy created a wall between people and
sympathy negated any barrier.
Science fiction warps your mind. Engage warp factor 10.
Second chances aren't usually associated with first impressions.
Secrecy at my job prevents me from knowing what I do.
Secret negotiations are usually neither.
Sector not found. Kill Program? (Y)es, (N)o, (S)crew it
Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all Monks think about?
Seems just like yesterday . . . Hey! It was!
Seen it, done it. Can't remember most of it.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! --Horace (8 BC)
Self-reference (n.): see Self-reference
Seminars: derived from 'semi' and 'arse'; hence, any half-assed discussion.
Send a self-abused stomped elephant to _________.
Send more tourists. The last ones were delicious!
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Sensors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles."
Sentences are essential elements for writers.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Set Phrases on Pun
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Sex and Violence: Can't enjoy 1 if you don't survive other.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer.
Shakespearecomm...transmits up to 14,400 bard
Shampoo? No thanks, I'll use real poo.
Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people
present.
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.
Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond?
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
Shell to DOS...Come in Dos, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Shepherd's Pie = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169 sheep.
Shh! Be vewy quiet. I'm hunting Womulans!!
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Short cut: The longest distance between two points.
Short men who dance with tall women get bust in the eye.
Shouldn't you be doing something productive?
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Silence is not only golden; it's seldom misquoted.
Silly Rabbit, tricks are for hookers!
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Since when is the IRS a service?
Sirens: What you hear in a Japanese library.
Sits he on ever so high a throne, a man still sits on his bottom.
Skydiving: Good to the last drop.
Sleep is an inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Small programs are for small minds.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
So it is Written, So Let it be Done!
So many jerks, so few bullets.
So much to learn, so little time.
So much work, and so few women to do it.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software specs: Pick two - [1] Fast [2] Right [3] Cheap
Solitude: A great place to visit, but a bad place to stay.
Some days I look my best in a thick fog.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some days you step in it...some days you don't...
Some folks feel that beauty times brains is a constant.
Some have bread who have no teeth left.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some minds NEED to be altered.
Some of us quit looking for work when we find a job.
Some people are like blotters: they soak it all in, but get it all backwards.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Some people are educated beyond their intelligence.
Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live.
Some people aren't hard of hearing, but hard of listening.
Some people fish in the Sea of Life without bait.
Some people will believe anything if it is whispered to them.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over in the corner.
Somehow I have to believe that I'm worth all the aggravation I cause myself.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I just let him sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could get a mirror with a better view.
Sometimes let things happen but sometimes make things happen.
Sometimes silence is the best way to yell at the top of your voice.
Sometimes the best defense is a skillful surrender.
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
Sometimes wrong, but never in doubt.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia conference!
Sorry, I haven't got time to understand anything.
Sorry, the brain you have reached is disconnected.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/nope)
Spam: It is the devil's work!
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
Speaking without thinking is like shooting without taking aim.
Speech is to the thought what gold is to the diamond; it is needed as a setting, but only a
little is needed. --Voltaire
Speed thrills.
Spill chequers dew knot awl weighs wok ass wee eggs peck.
Stalin's grave was a communist plot.
Star Trek: The Geritol Generation * Upcoming TV series
Starfleet Academy has a drama department?
Staring into the jaws of the Dragon one quickly learns wisdom.
Statistics can be used to support anything, especially statisticians.
Status symbol: foam-rubber wind chimes.
STATUS QUO is Latin for "the mess we're in."
Stepping on people's toes messes up their shine.
STICK \'stik\ n. 1: A boomerang than doesn't work.
Stop censorship now, before it stops you!
Stop the World, I want to throw up.
Strike any user when ready.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Success comes in a can. Failure comes in a can not.
Success has a thousand fathers, but failure is an orphan.
Success has ruined many a good man.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
Success is not permanent, neither is failure.
Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.
Successful people always do more than they are expected to.
Support D.A.M. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
Support safe housing; use condos.
Support the helpless victims of computers.
Support the right to arm bears.
Support your local medical examiner: die strangely!
Suppose that there were no hypothetical situations.
Sure, 90% of all software is crap. That's because 90% of everything is crap. --Mary
Shaw, Carnegie-Mellon University
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
Sure fire diet, swallowing pride.
Surrender now - before I have to offer you better terms.
Suspicion poisons a friendship.
Swallow your pride, it is non-fattening.
Swallowing angry words is much easier than having to eat them.
Sweer's Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally
consistent at the same time.
Swift gratitude is the sweetest. --Greek Proverb
Synonym: A word used when you can't spell the first one.
Syntax? Why not? They tax everything else!
Tact: changing the subject without changing the mind.
Tact is after all a kind of mind reading. --Sarah Orne Jewett
Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.
Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in.
Tailgater: one who makes ends meet.
TAILHOOK CONVENTION VIOLATES LOOK AND FEEL
Take a congressman to lunch. You will need a tenderiser.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Take time to smell the roses and eventually you'll inhale a bee.
Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
Talk is cheap because supply inevitably exceeds demand.
Tax forms should read "income owed us" and "in commode you".
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teachers have class.
Teaching is the fine art of imparting knowledge without possessing it.
Teaching is the art of assisting discovery.
Team spirit is what gives so many companies an edge over their competition. --George
L. Clements
Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.)
Technological Civilization: Redundant or Contradictory?
Ted Kennedy Party Tip - Take Off Pants, Mingle
Ted Kennedy's Bumper Sticker: My other car is underwater
Teenagers: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Television is to media what hydrogen bombs are to explosives.
Tell a child he got 1 right, not 99 wrong.
Tell a lie and find the truth.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a
bench has wet paint and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Tell me with whom thou art found, and I will tell thee who thou art. --Goethe
Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember.
Tell the truth and run.
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Test tube babies get a womb with a view.
Thank goodness for my twit filter.
Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.
That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
That was Zen this is Tao
That which we resist the most is what we become.
The absent are always at fault. --Spanish Proverb
The advantage to being a pessimist is that all your surprises are pleasant.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attempt to understand the universe is one of the only things that elevates the human
condition from farce to the elegance of tragedy. --Steven Weinberg Nobel, Laureate in
Physics, 1979
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man
can see better than he can think.
The backup's not over 'til the FAT table sings.
The beard does not make the philosopher.
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to
the project.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best alternative to INTELLIGENCE is SILENCE.
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. --Sandy Cooley
The best defense is a good offense.
The best fish swim near the bottom.
The best mirror is an old friend.
The best place to find helping hands is at the end of your own arms. --Confucius
The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well. --Sir William Osler
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best thing to hold onto in this world is each other.
The best thing about growing old is that it takes such a long time. --Walters Kemp
The best time to buy anything is last year.
The best tranquilizer is a clear conscience.
The best vacations are spent near the budget.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas.
The best way to accelerate a MAC is at 9.8 Meters/Sec²!
The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody
else.
The bird that can sing and won't sing must be made to sing.
The blood of the soldier makes the glory of the general.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The buck stops at the desk over there.
The Buck stops here, the Dough just visits.
The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a computer system are those
that aren't there. --Gordon Bell Encore Computer Corp
The chief cause of divorce is matrimony.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The Church was made for man, not man for the Church. --A. Theodore Tuttle
The cost of memory chips went up. I forget how much.
The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. --John
McNulty
The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.
The cure may be worse than the disease.
The darkest hour is only sixty minutes long.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn. So it is in our lives. The time the things look
the darkest is just before everything breaks loose and life starts to brighten up.
The dawn does not come twice to awaken a man. --Chinese Proverb
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
The dead outnumber the living more than 30 to 1.
The dentist never talks to his patients until the drill is in their mouths.
The determined man is not one who is never discouraged, but one who keeps going on
in spite of it.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
The difference between a successful career and a mediocre one sometimes consists of
leaving about four or five things a day unsaid.
The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to
say, and a wise man knows whether or not to say it. --Frank M. Garafola
The difference between adults and children is that adults have toys that require monthly
payments. --Frank Walsh
The difference between ideas and results is a good manager.
The difficult we do immediately. Impossible takes longer.
The dimmer the light, the greater the scandal.
The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental
apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
The Earth is our home. Clean your room!!!
The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much much heavier.
The Electric Chair Choice: Regular or Extra Crispy.
The end is near - but wait for the sequel!
The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. --Vii
Putnam
The extra mile will have no traffic jams.
The fairest rose at last will be withered.
The fellow who can smile when things go wrong is probably just going off shift.
The fellow who blows his horn the loudest is usually in the biggest fog.
The finest gift is a portion of thyself.
The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self.
The first Christian gets the hungriest lions.
The first loss is the easiest.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
The fool wanders; the wise man travels.
The fool who is silent can pass for wise.
The Framers of the Bill of Rights did not purport to 'create' rights. Rather, they designed
the Bill of Rights to prohibit our Government from infringing rights and liberties presumed
to be preexisting. --Justice William J. Brennan, 1982
The future is purchased by the present. --Samuel Johnson
The future is when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
The future is like the present, only longer.
The future isn't what it used to be.
The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.The goal of nature is to build better
mice.
The goal of Computing Science is to build something that will last at least until we've
finished building it. --David Oster.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in which direction we are
going.
The greater danger for most of is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is
too low and we reach it. --Michelangelo
The greater the obstacle the more glory in overcoming it. --Moliere
The greatest ability is dependability.
The greatest failure in life is not to try. --Debbie Fields
The greatest hate springs from the greatest love.
The greatest man in history was the poorest.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people said couldn't be done.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The groundwork of all happiness is health. --Leigh Hunt
The harder you work the luckier you get.
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train
for home.
The higher the ape climbs the more he shows his bald haunches.
The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to revere
what is unknowable. --Goethe
The highest knowledge is the knowledge of God.
The highest quality of the soul are: honor, purity, control, loyalty, and a desire to serve. -David O. McKay
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is
overhead for the operating system.
The human race has only one effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The irony of life is that no one gets out alive
The jawbone of a jackass was a killer in Samson's day - it still is.
The job's not over until the paperwork's done.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. --Sterling W. Sill
The ladder of success is easier to climb when laid flat.
The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to
do the most damage.
The leading cause of statistics is smoking.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
The less influence you have, the longer you wait.
The less you have to do, the less time you find to do it in.
The less you say, the less you have to take back.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living. --Plato
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The longer a man is wrong, the surer he is that he's right.
The longer one lives, the less importance one attaches to things, and also the less
importance to importance. --Jean Rostand
The longer the letter, the less chance of its being read.
The longer you keep your temper the better it will get.
The longest list has a final item.
The Lord will either spare you from suffering or give you the grace to bear it.
The Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. --Lt. Col. Walt Weir, USA
The majority isn't silent - the government is deaf!
The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.
The man who has accomplished all that he thinks worthwhile has begun to die.
The man who says "If there is anything I can do, just let me know." and leaves, is merely
taking care of his conscience. --Evan Hill
The masses are the opium of religion.
The middle of the road holds yellow lines and dead skunks
The Military Salute now uses a much limper wrist
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
The mob has many heads but no brains.
The more heavily a man should be taxed, the more power he has to avoid it.
The more laws, the more offenders.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more things you own, the more you are owned by things.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The most difficult thing to open is a closed mind.
The most exciting place to discover talent is within yourself.
The most intelligent people we know are those who ask advice.
The most magnificent thing about any task is the spirit in which it is done.
The most solid stone is the lowest one in the foundation.
The most valuable gift you can give your family is a good example.
The number of a person's relatives is directly proportional to his fame.
The number of women a man find attractive is truly proportionate to his age.
The old know more about being young than the young know about being old.
The one thing worse than a quitter is the one who is afraid to begin.
The one who dies with the most toys is dead.
The only alternative to perseverance is failure.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
The only hopeless failure is the person who has ceased to strive for success. --B. C.
Forbes
The only one who got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. -Paul Fix
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only short meetings are when no one shows up.
The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked.
The only time some people work like a horse is when their boss rides them.
The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh
or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. --Marjorie Pay Hinckley
The only way to compel men to speak good of you is to do good. --Voltaire
The other line always moves faster.
The past looks better the farther away you get.
The path to cheerfulness is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness
were already there. --William Jones
The pen is mightier than the sword.
The people keep telling us that people are still smarter than machines. However, that's
only the people's side of it. --Changing Times
The person who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The person who snores loudest will fall asleep first.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The pot at the end of the rainbow is not Acapulco Gold.
The presence of trouble does not mean the absence of God.
The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers.
--Arthur Koestler
The principle of isometrics is that one can build muscle by pushing firmly against any
unyielding object. One can build character the same way. --Wisconsin Journal of
Education
The probability of life originating from an accident is comparable to the probability of the
complete unabridged dictionary resulting from an explosion in a printing shop. --Prof.
Edwin Conklin - Princeton University
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
The pursuit of easy things makes men weak.
The question future historians will ask is not why politicians and public opinion turned
away from the welfare state, but why it took them so long. --Paul Johnson
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The real acid test of courage is to be just your honest self when everybody is trying to be
like someone else. --Andrew Jensen
The real objective of a committee isn't to reach a decision but to avoid it.
The reason so many people around the world yearn for America is that they see
something here which Americans often lose sight of because it surround us and
pervades our society. What they see, that we miss, is our freedom. --Jeanne Kirkpatrick
The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right. --William Safire
The road to the patent office is paved with good inventions.
The road to understanding is a long, hard path; I was advised to take my lunch and a
change of clothes. --Wayne Sorge 1981
The road to success is always under construction
The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers.
The ruin of most men dates from some idle moment.
The San Andreas fault; the most stable thing in California
The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.
The secret of selling yourself is to have a product you truly believe in.
The secret of education lies in respecting the pupil.
The serene, silent beauty of a holy life is the most powerful influence in the world, next to
the might of God. --Pascal
The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office. --Will
Rogers
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The shortest, oldest words -"yes" and "no"- are those which require the most thought. -Pythagoras
The six steps in a project: 1) Unbounded enthusiasm 2) Total disillusionment 3) PANIC!!!
4) Frantic search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Promotion of the
uninvolved.
The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.
The smallest handcuff in the world is a wedding ring.
The smallest light can penetrate the greatest darkness.
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.
The strangest of all birth defects is an inability to see things my way.
The strength of woman lies in her ability to love.
The structure of a system reflects the structure of the organization that built it. --Richard
Fairley, Wang Institute
The system is not quite as rickety as I have been telling you. --Ralph Gorin
The Tao person lives fully in every moment
The temporary alternative to death is insecurity.
The tongue is the deadliest of all blunt instruments.
The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come again.
The trouble with reality is there's no background music
The truth, however, is not pertinent to the issue.
The truth is always the strongest argument.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.
The universe is simple - it's the explanation that's complex.
The Unknown Soldier - better him than me. --Bill Clinton
The upper crust is just a bunch of crumbs clinging together.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The wages of sin is death. (Which, after taxes, is just a bad feeling.)
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. --Dolly Parton
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large
fortune.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The whole mortal existence of man is neither more nor less than a preparatory state
given to finite beings. A space wherein they may improve themselves for a higher state
of being. --B. Young
The wind of anger blows out the lamp of intelligence.
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. --Edward Gibbon
The wise man reads both books and life itself. --Lin Yutang
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world gets better every day, then worse again in the evening.
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is usually
interrupted by someone doing it. --Elbert Hubbard
The world is full of surprises, very few of which are pleasant.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face.
The world judges us, not by what we are but by what we appear to be. --Delpit
The world's full of cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.
The world's gone to the dogs, & the fleas are in charge.
The worm in the sour apple doesn't know any better.
The worst ice cream flavor is probably squirrel.
The worst thing about ignorance is its insistency.
The worst use that can be made of success is boasting of it. --Arthur Helps
The years teach us much the days never knew. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
The young are slaves to novelty, the old to custom.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Them that has gits.
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
Theologians always try to turn the Bible into a book without common sense. --G.C.
Lichtenberg
Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be
thought so.
There are good men everywhere. I only wish they had louder voices. --Louis l'Amour
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are no limitation to the mind except those we acknowledge.
There are no absolute answers to life - just revelations.
There are no winners in life; only survivors.
There are no facts, only interpretations.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who make things happen, those
who watch things happen, and those who are not quite sure just what happened.
There are two kinds of people: the ones who need to be told and the ones who figure it
all out by themselves. --Tom Clancey Without Remorse
There are two things we should learn to forget: the good we have done to others and the
evil they have done to us.
There are two men I must please: God and Garfield. I must live with Garfield here and
with God hereafter. --James A. Garfield
There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they
are told, and those who can do nothing else. --Cyrus H. K. Curtis
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the
quantity they do NOT write.
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
There is little chance for people to get together as long as most of them want to be in the
front of the bus, the back of the church, and the middle of the road.
There is never sunshine without shadow.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is no road too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue
haste.
There is no stigma attached to recognizing a bad decision in time to install a better one. -Laurence J. Peter
There is no force of gravity as such. Rather, a celestial body merely pays attention to
what it finds in its neighborhood. --Einstein
There is no "I" in team. --Vernon Law
There is no more miserable human being that one in whom nothing is habitual but
indecision. --William James
There is no honor too distant to the man who prepares for them with patience. --Jean de
la Bruyere
There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.
There is no X in ESPRESSO.
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose
time has come. --Victor Hugo
There never was a good knife made of bad steel.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. --Stephen
Wright
There's a sucker born every minute. --P. T. Barnum
There's always one more bug.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
There's more planes in the ocean than ships in the sky!
There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
There's no fool like an old fool, 'cause he's experienced.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no government like no government.
There's no place like home.com!
There's nothing wrong in being dumb, only in staying that way.
There's so much to learn and so much of it not worth learning.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
These cookies don't taste anything like girl scouts!
They are able because they think they are able. --Virgil
They are not inherently narrow minded, but it is hard to find one who can look down both
sides of an ax blade at the same time.
They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address.
They who give have all things; they who withhold have nothing.
Things are more like they are now than they ever have been before.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse.
Things work better if you plug them in.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
Think of it as evolution in action.
Thinking is wise, planning is better, doing is best.
Third Law of Advice: Simple advice is the best advice.
This button doesn't do anything! Please press it again!!
This door is Baroque; please call Bach later.
This is a good day to let down old friends who need help.
This is a 'do-it-yourself' world; the best in you brings out the best in others.
This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall.
This is Elvis. Any messages for me?
This score just in - Deep Space 9, Babylon 5.
This sentence will end before you can say "Jack Rob
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who are war with others are not a peace with themselves. --William Hazlitt
Those who are not shocked when they first come across quantum theory, cannot
possibly have understood it. --Neils Bohr
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped
it. --General Features Corp.
Those who do not learn from History ... get an F.
Those who do the most usually demand the least.
Those who don't know talk; those who know listen.
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. --Lane Olinghouse
Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. --George Santayana
Those who know God will be humble; those who know themselves cannot be proud.
Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch it being made.
Those who live on mountain tops have a longer day than those who live in the valleys.
Sometimes all we need to brighten our day is to go a little higher.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Those who live by the sword KILL those who don't.
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.
Thousands of journeys have a start but no end.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Time and words can never be recalled.
Time flies like an arrow - fruit flies like a banana. --Groucho Marx
Time for culture, gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet.
Time is a flitting thing and each day a little lifetime.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is the image of eternity. --Diogenes
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking!"
To avoid seeing a fool, break your mirror.
To be or not to be, those are the parameters.
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To destroy is easy, to build is hard. To scoff is easy, but to go on in the face of scoffing
and to do what is right is the way of a man. --Louis L'Amour Bendigo Shafter
To do nothing is in every man's power.
To err is human - to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human; to moo bovine.
To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
To err is human; to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else is more human.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To fail to prepare is to prepare to fail.
To find a policeman in a hurry, double-park.
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
To have a friend you must first be one.
To his dog every man is Napoleon.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
To know that we know what we know, and that we do not know that what we do no
know, that is true knowledge. --Thoreau
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To live outside the law, you must be an honest man.
To make a speech immortal you don't have to make it everlasting.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To regret nothing is the beginning of wisdom.
To rest is to rust.
To take a stand, one first must have legs to stand on.
To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. --Eva Young
Toad - n. What happens to an illegally parked frog.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the last day of your life (so far).
Tonight on HTV: Three Men and Rosemary's Baby
Too busy to laugh? Then you are too busy.
Too few of the bucks stop here.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Too many people confuse free speech with loose talk.
Too many speakers try to IMPRESS rather than EXPRESS.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Too much sun makes a desert. --Arabian Proverb
Took an hour to bury the cat. Damn thing kept moving.
Topologists are just plane folks, Pilots - plane folks, Carpenters - plane folks, Midwest
farmers - plain folks, Musicians - playin' folks, Whodunit readers - Spillaine folks, Some
Londoners - P. Lane folks.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trash your "To Do List"; you won't do it anyway.
Travel by TARDIS: It's not necessarily faster, but it is definitely more interesting!
Treat all stressful situations like a dog does: If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on
it and walk away.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Trekkers work out at the He's Dead Gym.
Trends are like horses: They are easier to ride in the direction they are already going.
Trespassers will be experimented on!
Trespassers will be SHOT, survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
Trials teach trust.
Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle. --Michelangelo
Trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
True wisdom consists not only in seeing what is before your eyes, but in foreseeing what
is to come. --Terence
Trust everybody, but always cut the cards.
Trust no government that wants to disarm its citizen.
Truth hurts - not the searching after, the running from! --John Eyberg
Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget.
Trying to sell a product you have never used is like trying to sell a belief you have never
believed in.
Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to un-ring a bell. --Shana Alexander
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.
Two guys walk into a bar. Why didn't the second one duck?
Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.
Two things show great weakness: to be silent when it is proper to speak and to speak
when it is proper to be silent. --Persian Proverb
Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Two's company and three's the result.
UFO's are real; the Air Force doesn't exist.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
Unable to locate Beer - Operator Halted!
Unable to locate Coffee - Operator Halted!
Uncle Sam needs your money - Congress already SPENT it!
Understanding is the key. Maybe it's under the mat.
Unfair! A battle of wits and you are unarmed!
Unicorns aren't myth, virgins are!
UNIX: Operating system for the vowel impaired.
UNIX: User-viciousness raised to an art form.
UNKNOWN WARNING. Contact your local dealer
Unless you grow wise of yourself you will listen in vain to the wise. --Publius Syrus
Unwritten laws can not be erased.
Use "DEVICE=EXXON" to screw up your environment.
Used Iraqi rifles for sale: Dropped once, never fired.
User - a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.
Users : Keep them dry and don't feed them after midnight.
Vanity is the food of fools.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni, Vidi, VCR - I came, I saw, I videotaped it.
Verbal agreements frequently lead to verbal disagreements.
Verbosity: Refuge Of Those With Nothing Original To Say.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Very good, Einstein, but next time show your work.
Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Exploration Team: 1999-1955
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. --Salvador Hardin
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
Vows made in storms are forgotten in calms.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Wait until it is night before saying it has been a fine day.
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
Wanna do something big? Pick up a boulder.
Want to confuse people? Quote from the wrong message!
Want to forget all your troubles? Wear tight shoes.
Wanted: Programmers. Some assembly required.
Wanted: Woman with computer. Send photo of computer.
War is death's feast.
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: drinking water may kill your thirst!
WARNING: DO NOT LOOK INTO LASER WITH REMAINING EYE.
Warranty: If it breaks, both halves are yours.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
Watch out for number one, but don't step in number two.
Water created humans so it would have containers.
We all have our darker side. We need it.
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are NOT surrounded. We are in a target-rich environment.
We are the sum of the thoughts we think; of the habits we have; of all we do and have
done. We are the sum of all our actions, and attitudes, and utterances, of all things
stored in the body, and mind, and memory. It all adds up. --R. L. Evans
We are tied down to a language which makes up in obscurity what it lacks in style.
We are verses out of rhythm, couplets out of rhyme.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. --Aristotle
We can offer much in the large, but to make sacrifices in little things is what we are
seldom equal to. --Goethe
We can't afford to die here. Not even once
We can't keep Satan from coming down the street, but we can keep him out of our
house.
We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust the sails.
We didn't inherit the land from our fathers. We are borrowing it from our children. -Amish Belief
We do not count a man's years until he has nothing else to count.
We do precision guesswork.
We do. We are. What more can you ask for?
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We don't stumble over mountains; we stumble over small things mostly.
We got rid of our kids. The cats are allergic!
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class - it's fully integrated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We have met the enemy and not only is he ours, he is us. --Walt Kelly
We hired you to babysit. You cooked and ate them BOTH?
We learn from history that we don't learn from history.
We live in a world where nothing is impossible, except peace and happiness.
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but
Congress can. --Cullen Hightower
We must be very, very slow to judge, and even slower to condemn, but always fast to
build. --Wayne M. Beck
We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
We must view young people not as empty bottles to be filled, but as candles to be lit. -Robert B. Shafter
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We read to say that we have read.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill
us.
We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.
We should back the metric system every 2.54cm of the way.
We should go metric every inch of the way.
We speak old metaphors, and we feel proud.
We take our rights for granted. What if they were taken for good? --Kenneth Cole
We would consider it strange that God should make an earth and not visit it. --Steven R.
Covey
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
We're all part of the human race but racing faster won't make us more human.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
We're sorry, but reality is not in service at this time.
Weak things united become strong.
Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.
Welcome to Westworld, where nothing can go wornggg.
Welfare and TV are today's bread and circuses.
Well done is better than well said.
Well if you need me, I'll call you - and if I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Werner von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply
by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit.
What boots up must come down.
What Can I Say After I Say, "OOPS"? Ask Freud?
What does this red button do?
What fools these morals be!
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What General Custer had - an Indian summer!
What good is pull if you don't pull with it? --John Podhoretz
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What I admire about Columbus is not his having discovered a world but his having gone
to search for it on the faith of an opinion. --A. Robert Turgot
What I need most is some to make me do what I can; not what Lincoln did but what I can
do. --Emerson
What I ought to do, I can; if I can, why don't I?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What is all this about violins on television?
What is mine is mine, yours is negotiable.
What is popular is not always right; what is right is not always popular.
What is the half-life of a television set?
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone else to do.
What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves
cleverer than we are.
What many orators lack in depth they give you in length.
What may be, may not be.
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's
staring out the window.
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
What the world needs is an electric match.
What this country needs is a good five-cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What we are is God's gift to us - what we become is our gift to God.
What we do not understand, we do not possess. --Goethe
What we learn after we know it all is what counts.
What we love we shall grow to resemble. --Bernard of Clairvaux
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
What would life be without freedom of speech? Who could say? --Kenneth Cole
What you are, not what you have, is what makes you rich.
What you are thunders so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you are saying.
What you enjoy is much more important than what you have.
What you see can depend on what you look for.
What you worship determines what you become.
WHAT? Take you to our leader? PLEASE take him with you!
What's another word for thesaurus?
Whatever authority I may have rests solely on knowing how little I know. --Socrates
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve.
Whatever their faults, the Communists never created canned laughter.
Wheaties and beer: the Breakfast of ex-champions.
When a fellow don't have much on his mind, it don't take him long to make it up. --Will
Rogers
When a man is down everyone runs over him.
When a man lies he murders part of the world.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she stops listening to him.
When a man's willing and eager, the gods join in. --Aeschylus
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all is said and done more will be said than done.
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?
When an oyster is irritated, it makes a pearl.
When angry, count to ten; when very angry, count to a hundred.
When everybody is somebody, then nobody is anybody.
When faith & hope fail try charity - it's love in action.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When governments fall, people like me are lined up & shot
When I die, I'm leaving my body to Science Fiction.
When I gave her the ring, she gave me the finger.
When I lay an egg, I stand back and admire it!
When I talk to myself, I'm talkin' to the wrong person.
When I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you.
When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate.
When I was your age we carved our transistors out of wood
When in doubt, EMPTY THE CLIP!
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate!
When in doubt, truncate.
When in doubt, use brute force. --Ken Thompson, Bell Labs
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
When money talks there are few interruptions.
When my mind wanders away, I'm left sitting here.
When need is greatest help is nearest.
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes
skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return. --Leonardo da Vinci
When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully at the
closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.
When people aim for what they want out of life, most aim too low.
When people share their fears with you, share some courage.
When policy fails, try thinking.
When poverty knocks at the door, love flies out the window.
When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
When riding dragons, don't let your mind go blank.
When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed
to find they are not in it.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
When some men discharge an obligation, you can hear the report for miles around. -Mark Twain
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the
problem, not the remedy.
When the People lead, the "Leaders" will follow.
When the well is dry we know the worth of water.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
When you are green you are growing, so stay green.
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
When you are in a peach orchard, don't look for turnips.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it. --Yogi Berra
When you do a good deed, get a receipt - in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you get what you want you don't want it as much.
When you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
When you go far enough, you'll meet yourself.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you have sour cream every problem looks like a potato.
When you kill time you murder success.
When you quit rowing, you start downstream.
When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can't afford it,
that's inflation.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will
make.
When you turn green with envy, you are ripe for trouble.
When you're through changing, you're through.
When you're up to your hips in alligators, you forget the original project was to drain the
swamp.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Whenever I get a grip on reality, the handle falls off.
Whenever you learn all the answers, they change all the questions.
Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket?
Where am I and who are these strange people?
Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
Where is "Old" Zealand?
Where The Heck is The "Any" Key?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Where we operate at a 90 angle to reality
Where would we be without our rights? --Kenneth Cole
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who knows most says least.
Who loves well is slow to forget.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Who tested Preparations A through G, and why?
Who Will Save the World? The Mighty Groundhogs!
Whoever dies with the most toys... is still dead!
Whoever lies with dogs rises with fleas.
Whoever loves God must love his brother 1 John 4:21
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Whoever profits by the crime is guilty of it.
Whoever rows the boat doesn't have time to rock it.
Whoever tries for great objects must suffer something.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Whom gods would destroy, they first teach MS-DOS.
Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Why are creditor's memories better than debtors?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are today's rough times always tomorrow's good old days?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why bother phoning a psychic? - let 'em phone you!
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?
Why did Kamakazi pilots wear helmets???
Why do expenses always rise to meet income?
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
Why does bread always fall butter side down?
Why does the other line always move faster?
Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?
Why glue my bills together? It's a mail bonding ritual.
Why go second class when 1st class is only $25?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is everyone complaining about "youth in Asia?"
Why is it that time softens some people and hardens others?
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?
Why USA fails? Radio Shack=USA's Technology Store!!
Why was there a Brady Family Reunion?!
Wicked Witch Parking Only - Violators will be toad.
Wickedness is its own greatest punishment.
Wilderness = Freedom
Will compute for food.
Will that be cache or chkdsk?
Will you come quietly, or shall I use ear plugs?
Win at first and lose at last.
Win Some Lose Some. But When Do I Win Some?
Win without boasting and lose without excuse.
WIN.COM not found: (A)bort (R)etry (W)ho cares?
Windows: A View to be Killed.
Windows: From the people who brought you the 640K limit
Windows: How to turn a 486 into an Etch-A-Sketch!
Windows Ice Cream: Hoggin' DOS
Windows IS NOT a virus. Viruses do something.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Winners never quit and quitters never win.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the
summer, when they complained about the heat.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
Wisdom first teaches what is right. --Juvenal
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; skill is knowing how to do it; and virtue is doing it. -David Starr Jordan
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wisdom is ofttimes nearer when we stoop than when we soar. --William Wordsworth
Wisdom is the sunlight of the soul.
Wise men change their minds, fools never.
Wise men never play leapfrog with unicorns.
Wise people are full of doubts (I think).
Wishes won't wash dishes.
Wit and wisdom are rarely seen together.
Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
Woman.ZIP - Great program. No docs, but great to UNZIP.
Women do come with instructions, just ask them!
Women who seek to be equal lack ambition.
Women, wind and fortune soon change.
Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Work: a necessary evil for money to buy computer stuff.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Work is only well done when it is done with a will, and no man has a thoroughly solid will
unless he knows he is doing what he should, and is in his place. --Ruskin
Work is the curse of the drinking man.
WORK HARDER! Millions on welfare depend on YOU!
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due.
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would the Standing Committee sit down?
Would you give your right arm to be ambidextrous?
Would you let a bug escape because it did not bite you?
Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?
Wrinkles are sure signs of where smiles have been.
Write injuries in sand, kindnesses in marble. --French Proverb
Write your concerns on a $20 bill, and mail to _____________.
WYSIWIG: What you see is fake hair.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Xerox: All they ever do is copy.
Yeah, so what's the speed of dark?
Yogi Bare was a Buddhist Nudist.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. --Neils Bohr to Einstein during a
debate on Quantum Mechanics
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are still young and useful at any age if you are still planning for tomorrow.
You are what you are because that is what you want to be.
You can always find what you are not looking for.
You can die with serenity if you live for eternity.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
You can govern men only by serving them. This is without exception.
You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.
You can lead a horse to water, and if he walks on it patent him.
You can let bad times make you bitter or better.
You can never discard too many bad ideas.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can not light another's fire unless it is burning in your own soul. --Harold B. Lee
You can not fail while fighting. The only failure is in giving up.
You can not lift another soul unless you are standing on higher ground than he is.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
You CAN trust the government - ask an Indian.
You can't believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking of yesterday all the time.
You can't hug your kids too much.
You can't impress anybody with what you'd like to be, but only with what you are. --David
O. McKay
You can't lead someone to somewhere you ain't going.
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it or they don't.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
You can't tell a book by its movie.
You can't win them all, but you can sure lose them all.
You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot run away from a weakness. You must fight it out or perish.
You cannot tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.
You could have knocked me over with a fender.
You don't buy beer, you just rent it.
You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.
--Ray Bradbury
You go Uruguay, I'll go mine.
You gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem.
You have 2 choices for dinner - take it or leave it.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and
used against you.
You have to wonder about any period in history in which people are saying that God is
dead and Elvis is alive.
You have your problems, and I have yours.
You know you're getting old when everything dries up or leaks.
You live and you learn - or you don't live long.
You live in a deranged age, more deranged that usual, because in spite of great
scientific and technological advances, man has not the faintest idea of who he is or what
he is doing. --Walker Percy
You make ends meet, and they hate each other!
You may now log in to life. Password: ________
You may shut your doors against a thief but not against a liar.
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean too far backward.
You never "find" time, but you can always "make" it.
You never know what you can do until you try. --Franklin Pierce Adams
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You only have a problem if you think it is a problem.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a three-year old.
You will never be younger than you are today - & vice versa.
You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
You will stay young as long as you learn, form new habits and don't mind being
contradicted. --Marie von Eber-esenbach
You'd make a perfect stranger.
You'll never get dizzy doing a good turn.
You're a loser when your dog gets a new best friend.
You're never a loser until you quit trying.
You're never alone with schizophrenia
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You're old when you forget how to start your rocking chair.
You're only young once. You're immature forever.
You've got to have an ace in the hole.
You've got to hand it to the IRS. If not, they'll come and take it.
You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
You've removed most of the roadblocks to success when you've learned the difference
between motion and direction. --Bill Copeland
Young flesh and old fish are best.
Your choice about Jesus affects all other choices.
Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
Your ex just called. She's with the IRS now.
Your home, and indeed some Cadillacs, have more computing power than many thirdworld nations. --Daniel Siewiorek.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you are still an idiot.
Your life is God's gift to you; what you do with it is your gift to God.
Your life is the manifestation of your dreams; it is an art. And you can change your life
anytime if you aren't enjoying the dream. --Don Miguel Ruiz
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth isn't a time of life but a state of mind.
Zeal without knowledge is fire without light.
Zen congressmen pass transcendental legislation.
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.