Danielle Pacheco
Mr. Douglas
English 104-23
November 29, 2014
Editing Log for Essay 2
Original: Danielle Pacheco
10/19/14
Mr. Douglas
Essay 2
Instructor Comment: Switch these around
Revised Sentence: Danielle Pacheco
Mr. Douglas
10/19/14
Essay 2
Original: Essay 2
Instructor Comment: Come up with an original title
Revised Sentence: Individual Opportunity in America? I Don’t Think so
Original: Nothing
Instructor Comment: Number your pages
Revised Sentence: Pacheco 1
Original: Individual Opportunity in America? I Don’t Think so
Do people in America really have an equal opportunity to succeed in this country
Instructor Comment: Too much space
Revised Sentence: Individual Opportunity in America? I Don’t Think so
Do people in America really have an equal opportunity to succeed in this country
Original: The American dream is the ideal that every person, no matter what ethnicity and
gender you are, has an equal opportunity to succeed to their own means.
Instructor Comment: Avoid Second Person
Revised Sentence: The American dream is the ideal that every person, no matter what ethnicity
and gender one is, has an equal opportunity to succeed to their own means.
Original: One obstacle that is holding people back from being able to succeed in America is the
fact that people are working so hard yet are not getting paid enough to be able to live.
Instructor Comment: A reader sees your reasoning here but make sure you clarify a conclusion
back to the author
Revised Sentence: The myth of individual opportunity makes people believe that they are able
to work their way up in America, yet a person’s income isn’t as much as the cost of living.
Original: In The Americas New Working Class, Kathleen Arnold writes about how people that
are on welfare and workfare get paid little to nothing.
Instructor Comment: What is this text? Be specific
Revised Sentence: In Rereading America, The Americas New Working Class, Kathleen Arnold
writes about how people that are on welfare and workfare get paid little to nothing.
Original: Arnold articulated,
Instructor Comment: Present tense
Revised Sentence: Arnold articulates,
Original: “But instead of a paycheck and a living wage, they get a welfare check that leaves
them far below the poverty level and they have none of the benefits and protections of unionized
workers.”
Instructor Comment: Where does the author say this?
Revised Sentence: “But instead of a paycheck and a living wage, they get a welfare check that
leaves them far below the poverty level and they have none of the benefits and protections of
unionized workers.” (Arnold 344)
Original: “Welfare and workfare indicate bare survival — recipients are not meant to rise even
to lower-middle-class status.”
Instructor Comment: Page number
Revised Sentence: “Welfare and workfare indicate bare survival — recipients are not meant to
rise even to lower-middle-class status.” (Arnold 342)
Original: Being able to have an individual opportunity means that the color of your skin should
not be the reason why you don’t get a job or are not able to succeed in that business.
Instructor Comment: Avoid you
Revised Sentence: Being able to have an individual opportunity means that the color of a
person’s skin should not be the reason why one does not get a job or is unable to succeed in that
business.
Original: “I really saw no opportunity. They were content to leave me visible, but my thoughts
were not really solicited. I may have overreacted a bit, with the plant manager’s attitude, but I
felt there’s no way a Mexican could get ahead here.”
Instructor Comment: Page number
Revised Sentence: “I really saw no opportunity. They were content to leave me visible, but my
thoughts were not really solicited. I may have overreacted a bit, with the plant manager’s
attitude, but I felt there’s no way a Mexican could get ahead here.” (Cruz 1)
Original: Lower class people dream of living the American dream, they work hard every day,
yet its like they’re digging themselves into a deeper and deeper hole.
Instructor Comment: Fairly coord choice due to miss use of the cont.
Revised Sentence: Lower class people dream of living this American dream, they works hard
every day but see little results, as if they’re digging themselves into a deeper and deeper hole.
Original: If you were born in a higher class it is like success is being handed to you.
Instructor Comment: Avoid second version
Revised Sentence: If a person is born in a higher class it is like success is being handed to that
individual.
Original: If a person is born in a higher class it is like success is being handed to that individual
Instructor Comment: Be specific
Revised Sentence: For instance a person that is born in a higher class has the opportunity to go
to the greatest college there is because higher class people have the money to afford it. Whereas
people born into the lower class will not be able to go to a great college because people in the
lower class won’t be able to afford it.
Original: In conclusion, I agree with Toni Cade Bambara, Kathleen Arnold, and Stephan Cruz
that there are many things holding people back in America from having an individual
opportunity.
Instructor Comment: Avoid “things”
Revised Sentence: In conclusion, I agree with Toni Cade Bambara, Kathleen Arnold, and
Stephan Cruz that there are many challenges holding people back in America from having an
individual opportunity.
Original: Individual opportunities I believe, as long with the authors, is being able to succeed
depending on your individual qualities no matter of your race, class, gender, or money yet in
America it’s all just a myth.
Instructor Comment: Avoid second person
Revised Sentence: Individual opportunities I believe, along with the authors, is being able to
succeed depending on an individual’s qualities no matter of an individual’s race, class, gender,
or money yet in America it’s all just a myth.
Original: *Nothing*
Instructor Comment: Work Cited Page Needed
Revised Sentence: Work Cited
Arnold, Kathleen, Gary Combo , Robert Cullen, and Bonnie Lisle. “Americas New Working
Class” Rereading America: Cultural Contexts for Critical Thinking and Writing. 9th ed.
Boston: Bedford of St. Martin’s, 1992. N. pag. Print.
Bambara, Cade, Gary Combo, Robert Cullen, and Bonnie Lisle. “The Lesson.” Rereading
America: Cultural Contexts for Critical Thinking and Writing. 9th ed. Boston:
Bedford of St. Martin’s, 1992. N. pag. Print.
Cruz, Stephen, Gary Combo, Robert Cullen, and Bonnie Lisle. “Studs Terkel” Rereading
America: Cultural Contexts for Critical Thinking and Writing. 9th ed. Boston: Bedford of
St. Martin’s, 1992. N. pag. Print.
Lincoln, Paul. "Kathleen Arnold." DePaul University. N.p., n.d. W