To: Donald L. Bricker, M.D.
From: Sarah Caballero, Head Editor
Sent: April 08, 2014
Subject: Comprehensive Edit on “What is “Open Heart Surgery?”
The tone is confident, patient and conveys your expertise on the subject. It isn’t until the second
paragraph, however, the readers get the most critical material for their understanding. The
pamphlet opens with the etymology of “open heart surgery” and readers initially nervous at the
idea of undergoing an unknown treatment will likely glance over it. As a suggestion, try to delete
any extraneous information such as ‘Perhaps the term was coined originally…’
While clearly possessing credentials, the text can also be detached. When describing the process
of removing the heart and lungs in the third paragraph, reassure the reader immediately that this
is a painless procedure rather than saving this information for the final paragraphs.
You have organized the content in a clear train of explanatory remarks. “Open heart surgery” is
X, with X leading into Y, Y leading into Z, and therefore the process can be defined as XYZ.
This is informative but, judging by the situation of the readers, they will be satisfied with
skipping to ‘XYZ’. Your final definitions are eloquent and do not require rewriting. Try to
rewrite any long, complex sentences that have been marked.
In changing visual elements, adjust the work into smaller paragraphs with the vocabulary words
bolded. Increase the typeface for elderly patients. By the third paragraph, a basic drawing
showing the use of heart-lung machine would be beneficial to help patients visualize the text.
Addressing other concerns may also fall under the umbrella of defining “open heart surgery”.
Questions such as ‘How much does it cost?’, ‘What do I need to do to prepare?’, ‘Will this
require any lifestyle changes afterwards?’ and ‘Will this hurt before, during, and after the
procedure?’ are guaranteed to be asked of every surgeon in this field. This pamphlet has potential
for saving time and money by taking care of these repeated inevitable problems and freeing up
the surgeon’s time. This reminder is optional.
Sincerely,
Sarah Caballero