Visser ’t Hooft Lyceum Leiden
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Satire
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Robert Laytham
Visser ’t Hooft Lyceum Leiden
English Department
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Robert Laytham
Visser ’t Hooft Lyceum Leiden
English Department
A Modest Proposal
For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland
From Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and
For Making Them Beneficial to The Public
By Jonathan Swift (1729)
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country,
when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex,
followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms.
These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ
all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up
either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the
Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the
backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present
deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever
could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members
of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a
preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed
beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a
certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who
demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and
maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly
mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by
her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s.,
which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging;
and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead
of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of
their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of
many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary
abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too
frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than
the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I
calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from
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which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children,
although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom;
but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again
subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or
disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor
parents annually born.
The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have
already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods
hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither
build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts,
although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however
be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal
gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two
instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest
proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable
commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or
three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either
to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times
that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the
least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young
healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food,
whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand
children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only onefourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my
reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much
regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the
remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality
and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the
last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at
an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will
make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on
the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year,
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if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they
have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little
before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being
a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months
after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be
more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this
kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of
papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all
cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags
included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good
fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath
only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a
good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net
profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin
of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine
gentlemen.
As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient
parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend
buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately
pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many
gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of
venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding
fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being
now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents,
if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations.
But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be
altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from
frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys
by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the
charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public,
because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that
some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very
unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the
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strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.
But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the
famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above
twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young
person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a
prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an
attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and
other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither
indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town,
who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear
at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom
would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor
people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts
what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in
the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and
rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as
to the young labourers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and
consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are
accidentally hired to common labour, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the
country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by
the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom
we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous
enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the
Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who
have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their
conscience to an episcopal curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be
made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already
seized, and money a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and
upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock
will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish
introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in
taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own
growth and manufacture.
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Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the
sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly
be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently
have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their
knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will
contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either
encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and
tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to
the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense.
We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the
fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their
pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are
ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a
miscarriage.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand
carcasses in our exportation of barrelled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and
improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great
destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or
magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable
figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I
omit, being studious of brevity.
Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant customers for infants flesh,
besides others who might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I
compute that Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of
the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty
thousand.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it
should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This
I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the
reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and
for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to
me of other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither
cloaths, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly
rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the
expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of
parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even
from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities and factions,
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nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their
city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing: Of
teaching landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting
a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be
taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the
price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal
of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least
some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them
into practice.
But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary
thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal,
which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little trouble,
full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kind
of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a consistence, to admit a
long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to eat
up our whole nation without it.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by
wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before
something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I
desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things
now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless
mouths and backs. And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure
throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them
in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk
of farmers, cottagers, and labourers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I
desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an
answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day
think it a great happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I prescribe,
and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone
through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or
trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the
inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater
miseries upon their breed for ever.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring
to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by
advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the
rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine
years old, and my wife past child-bearing.
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A Satirical Elegy upon the Death of a General Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745)
His Grace! impossible! what, dead!
Of old age too, and in his bed!
And could that mighty warrior fall,
And so inglorious, after all?
Well, since he's gone, no matter how,
The last loud trump must wake him now;
And, trust me, as the noise grows stronger,
He'd wish to sleep a little longer.
And could he be indeed so old
As by the newspapers we're told?
Threescore, I think, is pretty high;
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‘Twas time in conscience he should die!
This world he cumber'd long enough;
He burnt his candle to the snuff;
And that's the reason, some folks think,
He left behind so great a stink.
Behold his funeral appears,
Nor widows' sighs, nor orphans' tears,
Wont at such times each heart to pierce,
Attend the progress of his hearse.
But what of that? his friends may say,
He had those honours in his day.
True to his profit and his pride,
He made them weep before he died.
Come hither, all ye empty things!
Ye bubbles rais'd by breath of kings!
Who float upon the tide of state;
Come hither, and behold your fate!
Let pride be taught by this rebuke,
How very mean a thing's a duke;
From all his ill-got honours flung,
Turn'd to that dirt from whence he sprung.
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Robert Laytham
Visser ’t Hooft Lyceum Leiden
English Department
AN ARGUMENT TO PROVE THAT THE ABOLISHING OF CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND MAY, AS THINGS NOW
STAND, BE ATTENDED WITH SOME INCONVENIENCES, AND PERHAPS NOT PRODUCE THOSE MANY GOOD
EFFECTS PROPOSED THEREBY, BY JONATHAN SWIFT
I AM very sensible what a weakness and presumption it is to reason against the general
humour and disposition of the world. I remember it was with great justice, and a due regard
to the freedom, both of the public and the press, forbidden upon several penalties to write,
or discourse, or lay wagers against the — even before it was confirmed by Parliament;
because that was looked upon as a design to oppose the current of the people, which,
besides the folly of it, is a manifest breach of the fundamental law, that makes this majority
of opinions the voice of God. In like manner, and for the very same reasons, it may perhaps
be neither safe nor prudent to argue against the abolishing of Christianity, at a juncture
when all parties seem so unanimously determined upon the point, as we cannot but allow
from their actions, their discourses, and their writings. However, I know not how, whether
from the affectation of singularity, or the perverseness of human nature, but so it unhappily
falls out, that I cannot be entirely of this opinion. Nay, though I were sure an order were
issued for my immediate prosecution by the Attorney-General, I should still confess, that in
the present posture of our affairs at home or abroad, I do not yet see the absolute necessity
of extirpating the Christian religion from among us.
This perhaps may appear too great a paradox even for our wise and paxodoxical age to
endure; therefore I shall handle it with all tenderness, and with the utmost deference to
that great and profound majority which is of another sentiment.
And yet the curious may please to observe, how much the genius of a nation is liable to
alter in half an age. I have heard it affirmed for certain by some very odd people, that the
contrary opinion was even in their memories as much in vogue as the other is now; and
that a project for the abolishing of Christianity would then have appeared as singular, and
been thought as absurd, as it would be at this time to write or discourse in its defence.
Therefore I freely own, that all appearances are against me. The system of the Gospel, after
the fate of other systems, is generally antiquated and exploded, and the mass or body of
the common people, among whom it seems to have had its latest credit, are now grown as
much ashamed of it as their betters; opinions, like fashions, always descending from those
of quality to the middle sort, and thence to the vulgar, where at length they are dropped
and vanish.
But here I would not be mistaken, and must therefore be so bold as to borrow a distinction
from the writers on the other side, when they make a difference betwixt nominal and real
Trinitarians. I hope no reader imagines me so weak to stand up in the defence of real
Christianity, such as used in primitive times (if we may believe the authors of those ages) to
have an influence upon men’s belief and actions. To offer at the restoring of that, would
indeed be a wild project: it would be to dig up foundations; to destroy at one blow all the
wit, and half the learning of the kingdom; to break the entire frame and constitution of
things; to ruin trade, extinguish arts and sciences, with the professors of them; in short, to
turn our courts, exchanges, and shops into deserts; and would be full as absurd as the
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proposal of Horace, where he advises the Romans, all in a body, to leave their city, and seek
a new seat in some remote part of the world, by way of a cure for the corruption of their
manners.
Therefore I think this caution was in itself altogether unnecessary (which I have inserted
only to prevent all possibility of cavilling), since every candid reader will easily understand
my discourse to be intended only in defence of nominal Christianity, the other having been
for some time wholly laid aside by general consent, as utterly inconsistent with all our
present schemes of wealth and power.
But why we should therefore cut off the name and title of Christians, although the general
opinion and resolution be so violent for it, I confess I cannot (with submission) apprehend
the consequence necessary. However, since the undertakers propose such wonderful
advantages to the nation by this project, and advance many plausible objections against the
system of Christianity, I shall briefly consider the strength of both, fairly allow them their
greatest weight, and offer such answers as I think most reasonable. After which I will beg
leave to show what inconveniences may possibly happen by such an innovation, in the
present posture of our affairs.
First, one great advantage proposed by the abolishing of Christianity is, that it would very
much enlarge and establish liberty of conscience, that great bulwark of our nation, and of
the Protestant religion, which is still too much limited by priestcraft, notwithstanding all the
good intentions of the legislature, as we have lately found by a severe instance. For it is
confidently reported, that two young gentlemen of real hopes, bright wit, and profound
judgment, who, upon a thorough examination of causes and effects, and by the mere force
of natural abilities, without the least tincture of learning, having made a discovery that
there was no God, and generously communicating their thoughts for the good of the public,
were some time ago, by an unparalleled severity, and upon I know not what obsolete law,
broke for blasphemy. And as it has been wisely observed, if persecution once begins, no
man alive knows how far it may reach, or where it will end.
In answer to all which, with deference to wiser judgments, I think this rather shows the
necessity of a nominal religion among us. Great wits love to be free with the highest
objects; and if they cannot be allowed a god to revile or renounce, they will speak evil of
dignities, abuse the government, and reflect upon the ministry, which I am sure few will
deny to be of much more pernicious consequence, according to the saying of Tiberius,
DEORUM OFFENSA DIIS CUROE. As to the particular fact related, I think it is not fair to argue
from one instance, perhaps another cannot be produced: yet (to the comfort of all those
who may be apprehensive of persecution) blasphemy we know is freely spoke a million of
times in every coffee-house and tavern, or wherever else good company meet. It must be
allowed, indeed, that to break an English free-born officer only for blasphemy was, to speak
the gentlest of such an action, a very high strain of absolute power. Little can be said in
excuse for the general; perhaps he was afraid it might give offence to the allies, among
whom, for aught we know, it may be the custom of the country to believe a God. But if he
argued, as some have done, upon a mistaken principle, that an officer who is guilty of
speaking blasphemy may, some time or other, proceed so far as to raise a mutiny, the
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consequence is by no means to be admitted: for surely the commander of an English army
is like to be but ill obeyed whose soldiers fear and reverence him as little as they do a Deity.
It is further objected against the Gospel system that it obliges men to the belief of things
too difficult for Freethinkers, and such who have shook off the prejudices that usually cling
to a confined education. To which I answer, that men should be cautious how they raise
objections which reflect upon the wisdom of the nation. Is not everybody freely allowed to
believe whatever he pleases, and to publish his belief to the world whenever he thinks fit,
especially if it serves to strengthen the party which is in the right? Would any indifferent
foreigner, who should read the trumpery lately written by Asgil, Tindal, Toland, Coward,
and forty more, imagine the Gospel to be our rule of faith, and to be confirmed by
Parliaments? Does any man either believe, or say he believes, or desire to have it thought
that he says he believes, one syllable of the matter? And is any man worse received upon
that score, or does he find his want of nominal faith a disadvantage to him in the pursuit of
any civil or military employment? What if there be an old dormant statute or two against
him, are they not now obsolete, to a degree, that Empson and Dudley themselves, if they
were now alive, would find it impossible to put them in execution?
It is likewise urged, that there are, by computation, in this kingdom, above ten thousand
parsons, whose revenues, added to those of my lords the bishops, would suffice to
maintain at least two hundred young gentlemen of wit and pleasure, and free-thinking,
enemies to priestcraft, narrow principles, pedantry, and prejudices, who might be an
ornament to the court and town: and then again, so a great number of able [bodied] divines
might be a recruit to our fleet and armies. This indeed appears to be a consideration of
some weight; but then, on the other side, several things deserve to be considered likewise:
as, first, whether it may not be thought necessary that in certain tracts of country, like what
we call parishes, there should be one man at least of abilities to read and write. Then it
seems a wrong computation that the revenues of the Church throughout this island would
be large enough to maintain two hundred young gentlemen, or even half that number,
after the present refined way of living, that is, to allow each of them such a rent as, in the
modern form of speech, would make them easy. But still there is in this project a greater
mischief behind; and we ought to beware of the woman’s folly, who killed the hen that
every morning laid her a golden egg. For, pray what would become of the race of men in
the next age, if we had nothing to trust to beside the scrofulous consumptive production
furnished by our men of wit and pleasure, when, having squandered away their vigour,
health, and estates, they are forced, by some disagreeable marriage, to piece up their
broken fortunes, and entail rottenness and politeness on their posterity? Now, here are ten
thousand persons reduced, by the wise regulations of Henry VIII., to the necessity of a low
diet, and moderate exercise, who are the only great restorers of our breed, without which
the nation would in an age or two become one great hospital.
Another advantage proposed by the abolishing of Christianity is the clear gain of one day in
seven, which is now entirely lost, and consequently the kingdom one seventh less
considerable in trade, business, and pleasure; besides the loss to the public of so many
stately structures now in the hands of the clergy, which might be converted into playhouses, exchanges, market-houses, common dormitories, and other public edifices.
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I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word if I call this a perfect cavil. I readily own there hath
been an old custom, time out of mind, for people to assemble in the churches every
Sunday, and that shops are still frequently shut, in order, as it is conceived, to preserve the
memory of that ancient practice; but how this can prove a hindrance to business or
pleasure is hard to imagine. What if the men of pleasure are forced, one day in the week, to
game at home instead of the chocolate-house? Are not the taverns and coffee-houses
open? Can there be a more convenient season for taking a dose of physic? Is not that the
chief day for traders to sum up the accounts of the week, and for lawyers to prepare their
briefs? But I would fain know how it can be pretended that the churches are misapplied?
Where are more appointments and rendezvouses of gallantry? Where more care to appear
in the foremost box, with greater advantage of dress? Where more meetings for business?
Where more bargains driven of all sorts? And where so many conveniences or incitements
to sleep?
There is one advantage greater than any of the foregoing, proposed by the abolishing of
Christianity, that it will utterly extinguish parties among us, by removing those factious
distinctions of high and low church, of Whig and Tory, Presbyterian and Church of England,
which are now so many mutual clogs upon public proceedings, and are apt to prefer the
gratifying themselves or depressing their adversaries before the most important interest of
the State.
I confess, if it were certain that so great an advantage would redound to the nation by this
expedient, I would submit, and be silent; but will any man say, that if the words, whoring,
drinking, cheating, lying, stealing, were, by Act of Parliament, ejected out of the English
tongue and dictionaries, we should all awake next morning chaste and temperate, honest
and just, and lovers of truth? Is this a fair consequence? Or if the physicians would forbid us
to pronounce the words pox, gout, rheumatism, and stone, would that expedient serve like
so many talismen to destroy the diseases themselves? Are party and faction rooted in
men’s hearts no deeper than phrases borrowed from religion, or founded upon no firmer
principles? And is our language so poor that we cannot find other terms to express them?
Are envy, pride, avarice, and ambition such ill nomenclators, that they cannot furnish
appellations for their owners? Will not heydukes and mamalukes, mandarins and patshaws,
or any other words formed at pleasure, serve to distinguish those who are in the ministry
from others who would be in it if they could? What, for instance, is easier than to vary the
form of speech, and instead of the word church, make it a question in politics, whether the
monument be in danger? Because religion was nearest at hand to furnish a few convenient
phrases, is our invention so barren we can find no other? Suppose, for argument sake, that
the Tories favoured Margarita, the Whigs, Mrs. Tofts, and the Trimmers, Valentini, would
not Margaritians, Toftians, and Valentinians be very tolerable marks of distinction? The
Prasini and Veniti, two most virulent factions in Italy, began, if I remember right, by a
distinction of colours in ribbons, which we might do with as good a grace about the dignity
of the blue and the green, and serve as properly to divide the Court, the Parliament, and
the kingdom between them, as any terms of art whatsoever, borrowed from religion. And
therefore I think there is little force in this objection against Christianity, or prospect of so
great an advantage as is proposed in the abolishing of it.
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It is again objected, as a very absurd, ridiculous custom, that a set of men should be
suffered, much less employed and hired, to bawl one day in seven against the lawfulness of
those methods most in use towards the pursuit of greatness, riches, and pleasure, which
are the constant practice of all men alive on the other six. But this objection is, I think, a
little unworthy so refined an age as ours. Let us argue this matter calmly. I appeal to the
breast of any polite Free-thinker, whether, in the pursuit of gratifying a pre-dominant
passion, he hath not always felt a wonderful incitement, by reflecting it was a thing
forbidden; and therefore we see, in order to cultivate this test, the wisdom of the nation
hath taken special care that the ladies should be furnished with prohibited silks, and the
men with prohibited wine. And indeed it were to be wished that some other prohibitions
were promoted, in order to improve the pleasures of the town, which, for want of such
expedients, begin already, as I am told, to flag and grow languid, giving way daily to cruel
inroads from the spleen.
’Tis likewise proposed, as a great advantage to the public, that if we once discard the
system of the Gospel, all religion will of course be banished for ever, and consequently
along with it those grievous prejudices of education which, under the names of conscience,
honour, justice, and the like, are so apt to disturb the peace of human minds, and the
notions whereof are so hard to be eradicated by right reason or free-thinking, sometimes
during the whole course of our lives.
Here first I observe how difficult it is to get rid of a phrase which the world has once grown
fond of, though the occasion that first produced it be entirely taken away. For some years
past, if a man had but an ill-favoured nose, the deep thinkers of the age would, some way
or other contrive to impute the cause to the prejudice of his education. From this fountain
were said to be derived all our foolish notions of justice, piety, love of our country; all our
opinions of God or a future state, heaven, hell, and the like; and there might formerly
perhaps have been some pretence for this charge. But so effectual care hath been since
taken to remove those prejudices, by an entire change in the methods of education, that
(with honour I mention it to our polite innovators) the young gentlemen, who are now on
the scene, seem to have not the least tincture left of those infusions, or string of those
weeds, and by consequence the reason for abolishing nominal Christianity upon that
pretext is wholly ceased.
For the rest, it may perhaps admit a controversy, whether the banishing all notions of
religion whatsoever would be inconvenient for the vulgar. Not that I am in the least of
opinion with those who hold religion to have been the invention of politicians, to keep the
lower part of the world in awe by the fear of invisible powers; unless mankind were then
very different from what it is now; for I look upon the mass or body of our people here in
England to be as Freethinkers, that is to say, as staunch unbelievers, as any of the highest
rank. But I conceive some scattered notions about a superior power to be of singular use
for the common people, as furnishing excellent materials to keep children quiet when they
grow peevish, and providing topics of amusement in a tedious winter night.
Lastly, it is proposed, as a singular advantage, that the abolishing of Christianity will very
much contribute to the uniting of Protestants, by enlarging the terms of communion, so as
to take in all sorts of Dissenters, who are now shut out of the pale upon account of a few
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ceremonies, which all sides confess to be things indifferent. That this alone will effectually
answer the great ends of a scheme for comprehension, by opening a large noble gate, at
which all bodies may enter; whereas the chaffering with Dissenters, and dodging about this
or t’other ceremony, is but like opening a few wickets, and leaving them at jar, by which no
more than one can get in at a time, and that not without stooping, and sideling, and
squeezing his body.
To all this I answer, that there is one darling inclination of mankind which usually affects to
be a retainer to religion, though she be neither its parent, its godmother, nor its friend. I
mean the spirit of opposition, that lived long before Christianity, and can easily subsist
without it. Let us, for instance, examine wherein the opposition of sectaries among us
consists. We shall find Christianity to have no share in it at all. Does the Gospel anywhere
prescribe a starched, squeezed countenance, a stiff formal gait, a singularity of manners
and habit, or any affected forms and modes of speech different from the reasonable part of
mankind? Yet, if Christianity did not lend its name to stand in the gap, and to employ or
divert these humours, they must of necessity be spent in contraventions to the laws of the
land, and disturbance of the public peace. There is a portion of enthusiasm assigned to
every nation, which, if it hath not proper objects to work on, will burst out, and set all into a
flame. If the quiet of a State can be bought by only flinging men a few ceremonies to
devour, it is a purchase no wise man would refuse. Let the mastiffs amuse themselves
about a sheep’s skin stuffed with hay, provided it will keep them from worrying the flock.
The institution of convents abroad seems in one point a strain of great wisdom, there being
few irregularities in human passions which may not have recourse to vent themselves in
some of those orders, which are so many retreats for the speculative, the melancholy, the
proud, the silent, the politic, and the morose, to spend themselves, and evaporate the
noxious particles; for each of whom we in this island are forced to provide a several sect of
religion to keep them quiet; and whenever Christianity shall be abolished, the Legislature
must find some other expedient to employ and entertain them. For what imports it how
large a gate you open, if there will be always left a number who place a pride and a merit in
not coming in?
Having thus considered the most important objections against Christianity, and the chief
advantages proposed by the abolishing thereof, I shall now, with equal deference and
submission to wiser judgments, as before, proceed to mention a few inconveniences that
may happen if the Gospel should be repealed, which, perhaps, the projectors may not have
sufficiently considered.
And first, I am very sensible how much the gentlemen of wit and pleasure are apt to
murmur, and be choked at the sight of so many daggle-tailed parsons that happen to fall in
their way, and offend their eyes; but at the same time, these wise reformers do not
consider what an advantage and felicity it is for great wits to be always provided with
objects of scorn and contempt, in order to exercise and improve their talents, and divert
their spleen from falling on each other, or on themselves, especially when all this may be
done without the least imaginable danger to their persons.
And to urge another argument of a parallel nature: if Christianity were once abolished, how
could the Freethinkers, the strong reasoners, and the men of profound learning be able to
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find another subject so calculated in all points whereon to display their abilities? What
wonderful productions of wit should we be deprived of from those whose genius, by
continual practice, hath been wholly turned upon raillery and invectives against religion,
and would therefore never be able to shine or distinguish themselves upon any other
subject? We are daily complaining of the great decline of wit among as, and would we take
away the greatest, perhaps the only topic we have left? Who would ever have suspected
Asgil for a wit, or Toland for a philosopher, if the inexhaustible stock of Christianity had not
been at hand to provide them with materials? What other subject through all art or nature
could have produced Tindal for a profound author, or furnished him with readers? It is the
wise choice of the subject that alone adorns and distinguishes the writer. For had a
hundred such pens as these been employed on the side of religion, they would have
immediately sunk into silence and oblivion.
Nor do I think it wholly groundless, or my fears altogether imaginary, that the abolishing of
Christianity may perhaps bring the Church in danger, or at least put the Senate to the
trouble of another securing vote. I desire I may not be mistaken; I am far from presuming to
affirm or think that the Church is in danger at present, or as things now stand; but we know
not how soon it may be so when the Christian religion is repealed. As plausible as this
project seems, there may be a dangerous design lurk under it. Nothing can be more
notorious than that the Atheists, Deists, Socinians, Anti-Trinitarians, and other subdivisions
of Freethinkers, are persons of little zeal for the present ecclesiastical establishment: their
declared opinion is for repealing the sacramental test; they are very indifferent with regard
to ceremonies; nor do they hold the JUS DIVINUM of episcopacy: therefore they may be
intended as one politic step towards altering the constitution of the Church established,
and setting up Presbytery in the stead, which I leave to be further considered by those at
the helm.
In the last place, I think nothing can be more plain, than that by this expedient we shall run
into the evil we chiefly pretend to avoid; and that the abolishment of the Christian religion
will be the readiest course we can take to introduce Popery. And I am the more inclined to
this opinion because we know it has been the constant practice of the Jesuits to send over
emissaries, with instructions to personate themselves members of the several prevailing
sects amongst us. So it is recorded that they have at sundry times appeared in the guise of
Presbyterians, Anabaptists, Independents, and Quakers, according as any of these were
most in credit; so, since the fashion hath been taken up of exploding religion, the Popish
missionaries have not been wanting to mix with the Freethinkers; among whom Toland, the
great oracle of the Anti-Christians, is an Irish priest, the son of an Irish priest; and the most
learned and ingenious author of a book called the “Rights of the Christian Church,” was in a
proper juncture reconciled to the Romish faith, whose true son, as appears by a hundred
passages in his treatise, he still continues. Perhaps I could add some others to the number;
but the fact is beyond dispute, and the reasoning they proceed by is right: for supposing
Christianity to be extinguished the people will never he at ease till they find out some other
method of worship, which will as infallibly produce superstition as this will end in Popery.
And therefore, if, notwithstanding all I have said, it still be thought necessary to have a Bill
brought in for repealing Christianity, I would humbly offer an amendment, that instead of
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the word Christianity may be put religion in general, which I conceive will much better
answer all the good ends proposed by the projectors of it. For as long as we leave in being a
God and His Providence, with all the necessary consequences which curious and inquisitive
men will be apt to draw from such promises, we do not strike at the root of the evil, though
we should ever so effectually annihilate the present scheme of the Gospel; for of what use
is freedom of thought if it will not produce freedom of action, which is the sole end, how
remote soever in appearance, of all objections against Christianity? and therefore, the
Freethinkers consider it as a sort of edifice, wherein all the parts have such a mutual
dependence on each other, that if you happen to pull out one single nail, the whole fabric
must fall to the ground. This was happily expressed by him who had heard of a text brought
for proof of the Trinity, which in an ancient manuscript was differently read; he thereupon
immediately took the hint, and by a sudden deduction of a long Sorites, most logically
concluded: why, if it be as you say, I may safely drink on, and defy the parson. From which,
and many the like instances easy to be produced, I think nothing can be more manifest than
that the quarrel is not against any particular points of hard digestion in the Christian
system, but against religion in general, which, by laying restraints on human nature, is
supposed the great enemy to the freedom of thought and action.
Upon the whole, if it shall still be thought for the benefit of Church and State that
Christianity be abolished, I conceive, however, it may be more convenient to defer the
execution to a time of peace, and not venture in this conjuncture to disoblige our allies,
who, as it falls out, are all Christians, and many of them, by the prejudices of their
education, so bigoted as to place a sort of pride in the appellation. If, upon being rejected
by them, we are to trust to an alliance with the Turk, we shall find ourselves much
deceived; for, as he is too remote, and generally engaged in war with the Persian emperor,
so his people would be more scandalised at our infidelity than our Christian neighbours. For
they are not only strict observers of religions worship, but what is worse, believe a God;
which is more than is required of us, even while we preserve the name of Christians.
To conclude, whatever some may think of the great advantages to trade by this favourite
scheme, I do very much apprehend that in six months’ time after the Act is passed for the
extirpation of the Gospel, the Bank and East India stock may fall at least one per cent. And
since that is fifty times more than ever the wisdom of our age thought fit to venture for the
preservation of Christianity, there is no reason we should be at so great a loss merely for
the sake of destroying it.
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The Beasts’ Confession by Jonathan Swift (1732)
When beasts could speak (the learned say,
They still can do so ev'ry day),
It seems, they had religion then,
As much as now we find in men.
It happen'd, when a plague broke out
(Which therefore made them more devout),
The king of brutes (to make it plain,
Of quadrupeds I only mean)
By proclamation gave command,
That ev'ry subject in the land
Should to the priest confess their sins;
And thus the pious wolf begins:
"Good father, I must own with shame,
That often I have been to blame:
I must confess, on Friday last,
Wretch that I was! I broke my fast:
But I defy the basest tongue
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To prove I did my neighbour wrong;
Or ever went to seek my food
By rapine, theft, or thirst of blood."
The ass, approaching next, confess'd
That in his heart he lov'd a jest:
A wag he was, he needs must own,
And could not let a dunce alone:
Sometimes his friend he would not spare,
And might perhaps be too severe:
But yet, the worst that could be said,
He was a wit both born and bred;
And, if it be a sin or shame,
Nature alone must bear the blame:
One fault he hath, is sorry for't,
His ears are half a foot too short;
Which could he to the standard bring,
He'd show his face before the King:
Then for his voice, there's none disputes
That he's the nightingale of brutes.
The swine with contrite heart allow'd,
His shape and beauty made him proud:
In diet was perhaps too nice,
But gluttony was ne'er his vice:
In ev'ry turn of life content,
And meekly took what fortune sent:
Inquire through all the parish round,
A better neighbour ne'er was found:
His vigilance might some displease;
'Tis true he hated sloth like peas.
The mimic ape began his chatter,
How evil tongues his life bespatter:
Much of the cens'ring world complain'd,
Who said, his gravity was feign'd:
ndeed, the strictness of his morals
Engag'd him in a hundred quarrels:
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He saw, and he was griev'd to see't,
His zeal was sometimes indiscreet:
He found his virtues too severe
For our corrupted times to bear:
Yet, such a lewd licentious age
Might well excuse a Stoic's rage.
The goat advanc'd with decent pace;
And first excus'd his youthful face;
Forgiveness begg'd that he appear'd
('Twas nature's fault) without a beard.
'Tis true, he was not much inclin'd
To fondness for the female kind;
Not, as his enemies object,
From chance, or natural defect;
Not by his frigid constitution,
But through a pious resolution;
For he had made a holy vow
Of chastity as monks do now;
Which he resolv'd to keep for ever hence,
As strictly too, as doth his Reverence.
Apply the tale, and you shall find,
How just it suits with human kind.
Some faults we own: but, can you guess?
Why?--virtues carried to excess,
Wherewith our vanity endows us,
Though neither foe nor friend allows us.
The lawyer swears, you may rely on't,
He never squeez'd a needy client;
And this he makes his constant rule,
For which his brethren call him fool:
His conscience always was so nice,
He freely gave the poor advice;
By which he lost, he may affirm,
A hundred fees last Easter term.
While others of the learned robe
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Would break the patience of a Job;
No pleader at the bar could match
90His diligence and quick dispatch;
Ne'er kept a cause, he well may boast,
Above a term or two at most.
The cringing knave, who seeks a place
Without success, thus tells his case:
Why should he longer mince the matter?
He fail'd because he could not flatter;
He had not learn'd to turn his coat,
Nor for a party give his vote:
Notes
First published in Dublin by Faulkner in 1738;
according to the title-page, "Written in the year
1732.The following poem is grounded upon the
universal folly in mankind of mistaking their
talents; by which the author doth a great honour
to his own species, almost equalling them with
certain brutes; wherein, indeed, he is too partial,
as he freely confesseth. And yet he hath gone as
low as he well could, by specifying four animals:
the wolf, the ass, the swine, and the ape; all
equally mischievous except the last, who outdoes
them in the article of cunning. So great is the pride
of man!"
72 his Reverence: The priest, his confessor.
His crime he quickly understood;
Too zealous for the nation's good:
104 the lawn: the fine linen of a bishop's robe.
He found the ministers resent it,
hence, a bishopric.
Yet could not for his heart repent it.
137 hire: be prevailed upon.
The chaplain vows he cannot fawn,
Though it would raise him to the lawn:
He pass'd his hours among his books;
You find it in his meagre looks:
He might, if he were worldly wise,
Preferment get and spare his eyes:
But own'd he had a stubborn spirit,
That made him trust alone in merit:
15 Excise: "In 1733 Walpole introduced his famous
Excise Bill, designed to defeat smuggling and fraud
by the establishment of bonded warehouses, and
by the collection of the duties from inland dealers
in the form of excise and not of customs. But so
violent was the agitation against this measure that
he was forced to abandon the bill by moving its
postponement"
Would rise by merit to promotion;
152 standing troops: "A standing army was always
Alas! a mere chimeric notion.
unpopular in England. After the Peace of Ryswick,
Parliament, against the wishes of William, reduced
The doctor, if you will believe him,
the forces to 10,000 men; and, during the reigns of
Confess'd a sin; and God forgive him!
the first two Hanoverian kings, the size of the army
Call'd up at midnight, ran to save
was a subject of constant conflict"
A blind old beggar from the grave:
158 memorials: notes, memoranda.
But see how Satan spreads his snares;
He quite forgot to say his prayers.
166 runs out: exhausts.
He cannot help it for his heart
Sometimes to act the parson's part:
Quotes from the Bible many a sentence,
That moves his patients to repentance:
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And, when his med'cines do no good,
Supports their minds with heav'nly food,
At which, however well intended,
He hears the clergy are offended;
And grown so bold behind his back,
To call him hypocrite and quack.
In his own church he keeps a seat;
Says grace before and after meat;
And calls, without affecting airs,
His household twice a day to prayers.
He shuns apothecaries' shops;
And hates to cram the sick with slops:
He scorns to make his art a trade;
193 change the stock: cheat at cards by
Nor bribes my lady's fav'rite maid.
meddling with or stealing from the stock,
Old nurse-keepers would never hire
i.e., the portion of the pack of cards not
To recommend him to the squire;
dealt out but left on the table to be
Which others, whom he will not name,
drawn from according to the rules of the
Have often practis'd to their shame.
game. cog a die: cheat at dice by
attempting to control or direct the fall of
The statesman tells you with a sneer,
the dice. Back to Line
His fault is to be too sincere;
208 Tray: a dog; cf. King Lear, III, vi, 66:
And, having no sinister ends,
"Tray, Blanch, and Sweetheart, see, they
Is apt to disoblige his friends.
bark at me."
The nation's good, his master's glory,
Without regard to Whig or Tory,
Were all the schemes he had in view;
Yet he was seconded by few:
Though some had spread a hundred lies,
'Twas he defeated the Excise.
'Twas known, though he had borne aspersion,
That standing troops were his aversion:
His practice was, in ev'ry station,
To serve the King, and please the nation.
Though hard to find in ev'ry case
216 bipes et implumis: "A definition of
man disapproved by all logicians. Homo
est animal bipes, implume, erecto vultu."
(F) The source is probably Diogenes
Laertius' life of Diogenes (the Cynic
philosopher) in De Vitis et Dogmatibus
Philosophorum (Book VI, 1692), a Latin
translation from the original Greek, listed
in the catalogue of Swift's library drawn
up at the time of his death. Back to Line
The fittest man to fill a place:
220 "Vide Gulliver in his account of the
His promises he ne'er forgot,
Houyhnhnms"
But took memorials on the spot:
His enemies, for want of charity,
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Said he affected popularity:
'Tis true, the people understood,
That all he did was for their good;
Their kind affections he has tried;
No love is lost on either side.
He came to Court with fortune clear,
Which now he runs out ev'ry year: (runs out: exhausts)
Must, at the rate that he goes on,
Inevitably be undone:
Oh! if his Majesty would please
To give him but a writ of ease,
Would grant him licence to retire,
As it hath long been his desire,
By fair accounts it would be found,
He's poorer by ten thousand pound.
He owns, and hopes it is no sin,
He ne'er was partial to his kin;
He thought it base for men in stations
To crowd the Court with their relations;
His country was his dearest mother,
And ev'ry virtuous man his brother;
Through modesty or awkward shame
(For which he owns himself to blame),
He found the wisest man he could,
Without respect to friends or blood;
Nor ever acts on private views,
When he hath liberty to choose.
The sharper swore he hated play,
Except to pass an hour away:
And well he might; for, to his cost,
By want of skill he always lost;
He heard there was a club of cheats,
Who had contriv'd a thousand feats;
Could change the stock, or cog a die,
And thus deceive the sharpest eye:
Nor wonder how his fortune sunk,
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk.
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I own the moral not exact;
Besides, the tale is false in fact;
And so absurd, that could I raise up
From fields Elysian fabling Aesop;
I would accuse him to his face
For libelling the four-foot race.
Creatures of ev'ry kind but ours
Well comprehend their natural pow'rs;
While we, whom reason ought to sway,
Mistake our talents ev'ry day.
The ass was never known so stupid
To act the part of Tray or Cupid; (Tray – a dog’s name in Shakespeare)
Nor leaps upon his master's lap,
There to be strok'd, and fed with pap,
As Aesop would the world persuade;
He better understands his trade:
Nor comes, whene'er his lady whistles;
But carries loads, and feeds on thistles.
Our author's meaning, I presume, is
A creature bipes et implumis;
Wherein the moralist design'd
A compliment on human kind:
For here he owns, that now and then
Beasts may degenerate into men. (c.f. Gulliver’s Travels)
The Character of Holland
by Andrew Marvell
Holland, that scarce deserves the name of Land,
As but th'Off-scouring of the Brittish Sand;
And so much Earth as was contributed
By English Pilots when they heav'd the Lead;
Or what by th' Oceans slow alluvion fell,
Of shipwrackt Cockle and the Muscle-shell;
This indigested vomit of the Sea
Fell to the Dutch by just Propriety.
Glad then, as Miners that have found the Oar,
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They with mad labour fish'd the Land to Shoar;
And div'd as desperately for each piece
Of Earth, as if't had been of Ambergreece;
Collecting anxiously small Loads of Clay,
Less then what building Swallows bear away;
Transfursing into them their Dunghil Soul.
How did they rivet, with Gigantick Piles,
Thorough the Center their new-catched Miles;
And to the stake a strugling Country bound,
Where barking Waves still bait the forced Ground;
Building their watry Babel far more high
To reach the Sea, then those to scale the Sky.
Yet still his claim the Injur'd Ocean laid,
And oft at Leap-frog ore their Steeples plaid:
As if on purpose it on Land had come
To shew them what's their Mare Liberum.
A daily deluge over them does boyl;
The Earth and Water play at Level-coyl;
The Fish oft-times the Burger dispossest,
And sat not as a Meat but as a Guest;
And oft the Tritons and the Sea-Nymphs saw
Whole sholes of Dutch serv'd up for Cabillan;
Or as they over the new Level rang'd
For pickled Herring, pickled Heeren chang'd.
Nature, it seem'd, asham'd of her mistake,
Would throw their land away at Duck and Drake.
Therefore Necessity, that first made Kings,
Something like Government among them brings.
For as with Pygmees who best kills the Crane,
Among the hungry he that treasures Grain,
Among the blind the one-ey'd blinkard reigns,
So rules among the drowned he that draines.
Not who first see the rising Sun commands,
But who could first discern the rising Lands.
Who best could know to pump an Earth so leak
Him they their Lord and Country's Father speak.
To make a Bank was a great Plot of State;
Invent a Shov'l and be a Magistrate.
Hence some small Dyke-grave unperceiv'd invades
The Pow'r, and grows as 'twere a King of Spades.
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But for less envy some Joynt States endures,
Who look like a Commission of the Sewers.
For these Half-anders, half wet, and half dry,
Nor bear strict service, nor pure Liberty.
'Tis probable Religion after this
Came next in order; which they could not miss.
How could the Dutch but be converted, when
Th' Apostles were so many Fishermen?
Besides the Waters of themselves did rise,
And, as their Land, so them did re-baptise.
Though Herring for their God few voices mist,
And Poor-John to have been th' Evangelist.
Faith, that could never Twins conceive before,
Never so fertile, spawn'd upon this shore:
More pregnant then their Marg'ret, that laid down
For Hans-in-Kelder of a whole Hans-Town.
Sure when Religion did it self imbark,
And from the east would Westward steer its Ark,
It struck, and splitting on this unknown ground,
Each one thence pillag'd the first piece he found:
Hence Amsterdam, Turk-Christian-Pagan-Jew,
Staple of Sects and Mint of Schisme grew;
That Bank of Conscience, where not one so strange
Opinion but finds Credit, and Exchange.
In vain for Catholicks our selves we bear;
The Universal Church is onely there.
Nor can Civility there want for Tillage,
Where wisely for their Court they chose a Village.
How fit a Title clothes their Governours,
Themselves the Hogs as all their Subjects Bores
Let it suffice to give their Country Fame
That it had one Civilis call'd by Name,
Some Fifteen hundred and more years ago,
But surely never any that was so.
See but their Mairmaids with their Tails of Fish,
Reeking at Church over the Chafing-Dish.
A vestal Turf enshrin'd in Earthen Ware
Fumes through the loop-holes of wooden Square.
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Each to the Temple with these Altars tend,
But still does place it at her Western End:
While the fat steam of Female Sacrifice
Fills the Priests Nostrils and puts out his Eyes.
Or what a Spectacle the Skipper gross,
A Water-Hercules Butter-Coloss,
Tunn'd up with all their sev'ral Towns of Beer;
When Stagg'ring upon some Land, Snick and Sneer,
They try, like Statuaries, if they can,
Cut out each others Athos to a Man:
And carve in their large Bodies, where they please,
The Armes of the United Provinces.
But when such Amity at home is show'd;
What then are their confederacies abroad?
Let this one court'sie witness all the rest;
When their hole Navy they together prest,
Not Christian Captives to redeem from Bands:
Or intercept the Western golden Sands:
No, but all ancient Rights and Leagues must vail,
Rather then to the English strike their sail;
to whom their weather-beaten Province ows
It self, when as some greater Vessal tows
A Cock-boat tost with the same wind and fate;
We buoy'd so often up their Sinking State.
Was this Jus Belli & Pacis; could this be
Cause why their Burgomaster of the Sea
Ram'd with Gun-powder, flaming with Brand wine,
Should raging hold his Linstock to the Mine?
While, with feign'd Treaties, they invade by stealth
Our sore new circumcised Common wealth.
Yet of his vain Attempt no more he sees
Then of Case-Butter shot and Bullet-Cheese.
And the torn Navy stagger'd with him home,
While the Sea laught it self into a foam,
'Tis true since that (as fortune kindly sports,)
A wholesome Danger drove us to our ports.
While half their banish'd keels the Tempest tost,
Half bound at home in Prison to the frost:
That ours mean time at leisure might careen,
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In a calm Winter, under Skies Serene.
As the obsequious Air and waters rest,
Till the dear Halcyon hatch out all its nest.
The Common wealth doth by its losses grow;
And, like its own Seas, only Ebbs to flow.
Besides that very Agitation laves,
And purges out the corruptible waves.
And now again our armed Bucentore
Doth yearly their Sea-Nuptials restore.
And how the Hydra of seaven Provinces
Is strangled by our Infant Hercules.
Their Tortoise wants its vainly stretched neck;
Their Navy all our Conquest or our Wreck:
Or, what is left, their Carthage overcome
Would render fain unto our better Rome.
Unless our Senate, lest their Youth disuse,
The War, (but who would) Peace if begg'd refuse.
For now of nothing may our State despair,
Darling of Heaven, and of Men the Care;
Provided that they be what they have been,
Watchful abroad, and honest still within.
For while our Neptune doth a Trident shake, Blake,
Steel'd with those piercing Heads, Dean, Monck and
And while Jove governs in the highest Sphere,
Vainly in Hell let Pluto domineer.
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A True Born Englishman by Daniel Defoe
The Introduction
Speak, Satire; for there's none can tell like thee
Whether 'tis folly, pride, or knavery,
That makes this discontented land appear
Less happy now in times of peace than war?
Why civil feuds disturb the nation more,
Than all our bloody wars have done before?
Fools out of favour grudge at knaves in place,
And men are always honest in disgrace:
The Court preferments make men knaves in course;
But they which would be in them would be worse.
'Tis not at foreigners that we repine,
Would foreigners their perquisites resign:
The grand contention's plainly to be seen,
To get some men put out, and some put in.
For this our Senators make long harangues,
And florid Members whet their polished tongues.
Statesmen are always sick of one disease,
And a good pension gives them present ease:
That's the specific makes them all content
With any King and any Government.
Good patriots at Court abuses rail,
And all the nation's grievances bewail;
But when the sovereign balsam's once applied,
The zealot never fails to change his side;
And when he must the golden key resign,
The railing spirit comes about again.
Who shall this bubbled nation disabuse,
While they their own felicities refuse,
Who at the wars have made such mighty pother,
And now are falling out with one another:
With needless fears the jealous nation fill,
And always have been saved against their will:
Who fifty millions sterling have disbursed,
To be with peace and too much plenty cursed:
Who their old monarch eagerly undo,
And yet uneasily obey the new.
Search, Satire, search: a deep incision make;
The poison's strong, the antidote's too weak.
'Tis pointed truth must manage this dispute,
And downright English, Englishmen confute.
Whet thy just anger at the nation's pride,
And with keen phrase repel the vicious tide;
To Englishmen their own beginnings show,
And ask them why they slight their neighbours so.
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Go back to elder times and ages past,
And nations into long oblivion cast;
To old Britannia's youthful days retire,
And there for true-born Englishmen inquire.
Britannia freely will disown the name,
And hardly knows herself from whence they came:
Wonders that they of all men should pretend
To birth and blood, and for a name contend.
Go back to causes where our follies dwell,
And fetch the dark original from hell:
Speak, Satire, for there's none like thee can tell.
PART I.
WHEREVER God erects a house of prayer,
The Devil always builds a chapel there:1
And 'twill be found upon examination,
The latter has the largest congregation:
For ever since he first debauched the mind,
He made a perfect conquest of mankind.
With uniformity of service, he
Reigns with a general aristocracy.
No non-conforming sects disturb his reign,
For of his yoke there's very few complain.
He knows the genius and the inclination,
And matches proper sins for every nation.
He needs no standing-army government;
He always rules us by our own consent:
His laws are easy, and his gentle sway
Makes it exceeding pleasant to obey:
The list of his vicegerents and commanders,
Outdoes your Cæsars or your Alexanders.
They never fail of his infernal aid,
And he's as certain ne'er to be betrayed.
Through all the world they spread his vast command,
And Death's eternal empire is maintained.
They rule so politicly and so well,
As if they were Lords Justices of Hell,
Duly divided to debauch mankind,
And plant infernal dictates in his mind.
Pride, the first peer, and president of Hell,
To his share Spain, the largest province, fell.
The subtile Prince thought fittest to bestow
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On these the golden mines of Mexico,
With all the silver mountains of Peru,
Wealth which would in wise hands the world undo:
Because he knew their genius was such,
Too lazy and too haughty to be rich.
So proud a people, so above their fate,
That if reduced to beg, they'll beg in state;
Lavish of money to be counted brave,
And proudly starve because they scorn to save.
Never was nation in the world before
So very rich and yet so very poor.
Lust chose the torrid zone of Italy,
Where blood ferments in rapes and sodomy:
Where swelling veins o'erflow with livid streams,
With heat impregnate from Vesuvian flames:
Whose flowing sulphur forms infernal lakes,
And human body of the soil partakes.
There nature ever burns with hot desires,
Fann'd with luxuriant air from subterranean fires;
Here, undisturbed in floods of scalding lust,
The Infernal King reigns with infernal gust.
Drunkenness, the darling favourite of Hell,
Chose Germany to rule; and rules so well,
No subjects more obsequiously obey,
None please so well or are so pleased as they.
The cunning artist manages so well,
He lets them bow to Heaven and drink to Hell.
If but to wine and him they homage pay,
He cares not to what deity they pray,
What god they worship most, or in what way.
Whether by Luther, Calvin, or by Rome
They sail for Heaven, by Wine he steers them home.
Ungoverned Passion settled first in France,
Where mankind lives in haste and thrives by chance;
A dancing nation, fickle and untrue,
Have oft undone themselves and others too;
Prompt the infernal dictates to obey,
And in Hell's favour none more great than they.
The Pagan world he blindly leads away,
And personally rules with arbitrary sway;
The mask thrown off, plain Devil his title stands,
And what elsewhere he tempts he there commands,
There with full gust the ambition of his mind
Governs, as he of old in Heaven designed.
Worshipped as God, his Paynim altars smoke,
Embrued with blood of those that him invoke.
The rest by Deputies he rules as well,
And plants the distant colonies of Hell.
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By them his secret power he maintains,
And binds the world in his infernal chains.
By Zeal the Irish, and the Russ by Folly:
Fury the Dane, The Swede by Melancholy;
By stupid Ignorance the Muscovite;
The Chinese by a child of Hell called Wit.
Wealth makes the Persian too effeminate,
And Poverty the Tartars desperate;
The Turks and Moors by Mah'met he subdues,
And God has given him leave to rule the Jews.
Rage rules the Portuguese and Fraud the Scotch,
Revenge the Pole and Avarice the Dutch.
Satire, be kind, and draw a silent veil
Thy native England's vices to conceal;
Or, if that task's impossible to do,
At least be just, and show her virtues too—
Too great the first; alas, the last too few!
England, unknown as yet, unpeopled lay;
Happy had she remained so to this day,
And not to every nation been a prey.
Her open harbours and her fertile plains
(The merchant's glory those, and these the swain's)
To every barbarous nation have betrayed her,
Who conquer her as oft as they invade her;
So beauty's guarded but by innocence,
That ruins her, which should be her defence.
Ingratitude, a devil of black renown,
Possessed her very early for his own.
An ugly, surly, sullen, selfish spirit,
Who Satan's worst perfections does inherit;
Second to him in malice and in force,
All devil without, and all within him worse. .
He made her first-born race to be so rude,
And suffered her so oft to be subdued;
By several crowds of wandering thieves o'errun,
Often unpeopled, and as oft undone;
While every nation that her powers reduced
Their languages and manners introduced.
From whose mixed relics our compounded breed
By spurious generation does succeed,
Making a race uncertain and uneven,
Derived from all the nations under Heaven.
The Romans first with Julius Cæsar came,
Including all the nations of that name,
Gauls, Greeks, and Lombards, and, by computation,
Auxiliaries or slaves of every nation.
With Hengist, Saxons; Danes with Sueno came,
In search of plunder, not in search of fame.
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Scots, Picts, and Irish from the Hibernian shore,
And conquering William brought the Normans o'er.
All these their barbarous offspring left behind,
The dregs of armies, they of all mankind;
Blended with Britons, who before were here,
Of whom the Welsh ha' blessed the character.
From this amphibious ill-born mob began
That vain ill-natured thing, an Englishman.
The customs, surnames, languages, and manners
Of all these nations are their own explainers:
Whose relics are so lasting and so strong,
They ha' left a shibboleth upon our tongue,
By which with easy search you may distinguish
Your Roman-Saxon-Danish-Norman English.
The great invading Norman1 let us know
What conquerors in after-times might do.
To every musketeer2 he brought to town,
He gave the lands which never were his own.
When first the English crown he did obtain,
He did not send his Dutchmen back again.
No reassumptions in his reign were known,
D'Avenant might there ha' let his book alone.
No Parliament his army could disband;
He raised no money, for he paid in land.
He gave his legions their eternal station,
And made them all freeholders of the nation.
He cantoned out the country to his men,
And every soldier was a denizen.
The rascals thus enriched, he called them lords,
To please their upstart pride with new-made words,
And Doomsday Book his tyranny records.
And here begins our ancient pedigree,
That so exalts our poor nobility:
'Tis that from some French trooper they derive,
Who with the Norman bastard did arrive;
The trophies of the families appear,
Some show the sword, the bow, and some the spear,
Which their great ancestor, forsooth, did wear.
These in the herald's register remain,
Their noble mean extraction to explain,
Yet who the hero was, no man can tell,
Whether a drummer or a colonel:
The silent record blushes to reveal
Their undescended dark original.
But grant the best, how came the change to pass,
A true-born Englishman of Norman race?
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A Turkish horse can show more history,
To prove his well-descended family.
Conquest, as by the moderns1 it is expressed,
May give a title to the lands possessed:
But that the longest sword should be so civil
To make a Frenchman English, that's the devil.
These are the heroes that despise the Dutch,
And rail at new-come foreigners so much,
Forgetting that themselves are all derived
From the most scoundrel race that ever lived;
A horrid crowd of rambling thieves and drones,
Who ransacked kingdoms and dispeopled towns,
The Pict and painted Briton, treacherous Scot,
By hunger, theft, and rapine hither brought;
Norwegian pirates, buccaneering Danes,
Whose red-haired offspring everywhere remains,
Who, joined with Norman-French, compound the breed
From whence your true-born Englishmen proceed.
And lest by Length of time it be pretended
The climate may this modern breed ha' mended,
Wise Providence, to keep us where we are,
Mixes us daily with exceeding care.
We have been Europe's sink, the jakes where she
Voids all her offal outcast progeny.
From our eighth Henry's time, the strolling bands
Of banished fugitives from neighboring lands
Have here a certain sanctuary found:
The eternal refuge of the vagabond,
Where, in but half a common age of time,
Borrowing new blood and manners from the clime,
Proudly they learn all mankind to contemn,
And all their race are true-born Englishmen.
Dutch, Walloons, Flemings, Irishmen, and Scots,
Vaudois and Valtelins, and Hugonots,
In good Queen Bess's charitable reign,
Supplied us with three hundred thousand men.
Religion—God, we thank Thee!—sent them hither,
Priests, Protestants, the Devil and all together:
Of all professions and of every trade,
All that were persecuted or afraid;
Whether for debt or other crimes they fled,
David at Hachilah was still their head.
The offspring of this miscellaneous crowd
Had not their new plantations long enjoyed,
But they grew Englishmen, and raised their votes
At foreign shoals for interloping Scots.
The royal branch1 from Pictland did succeed,
With troops of Scots and Scabs from North-by-Tweed.
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The seven first years of his pacific reign
Made him and half his nation Englishmen.
Scots from the northern frozen banks of Tay,
With packs and plods came whigging all away:
Thick as the locusts which in Egypt swarmed,
With pride and hungry hopes completely armed;
With native truth, diseases, and no money,
Plundered our Canaan of the milk and honey.
Here they grew quickly lords and gentlemen,
And all their race are true-born Englishmen.
The civil wars, the common purgative,
Which always use to make the nation thrive,
Made way for all that strolling congregation,
Which thronged in Pious Charles's restoration.1
The royal refugee our breed restores,
With foreign courtiers and with foreign whores,
And carefully repeopled us again,
Throughout his lazy, long, lascivious reign;
With such a blest and true-born English fry,
As much illustrates our nobility.
A gratitude which will so black appear,
As future ages must abhor to hear,
When they look back on all that crimson flood,
Which streamed in Lindsay's, and Carnarvon's blood,
Bold Strafford, Cambridge, Capel, Lucas, Lisle,
Who crowned in death his father's funeral pile.
The loss of whom, in order to supply,
With true-born-English nationality,
Six bastard Dukes survive his luscious reign,
The labours of Italian Castlemaine,2
French Portsmouth,3 Tabby Scot, and Cambrian.
Besides the numerous bright and virgin throng,
Whole female glories shade them from my song.
This offspring, if one age they multiply,
May half the house with English peers supply;
There with true English pride they may contemn
Schomberg and Portland,1 new made noblemen.
French cooks, Scotch pedlars, and Italian whores,
Were all made lords, or lords' progenitors.
Beggars and bastards by his new creation
Much multiplied the peerage of the nation;
Who will be all, ere one short age runs o'er,
As true-born lords as those we had before.
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Then to recruit the Commons he prepares
And heal the latent breaches of the wars;
The pious purpose better to advance,
He invites the banished Protestants of France:
Hither for God's sake and their own they fled,
Some for religion came, and some for bread;
Two hundred thousand pair of wooden shoes,
Who, God be thanked, had nothing left to lose,
To Heaven's great praise did for religion fly,
To make us starve our poor in charity.
In every port they plant their fruitful train,
To get a race of true-born Englishmen;
Whose children will, when riper years they see,
Be as ill-natured and as proud as we;
Call themselves English, foreigners despise,
Be surly like us all, and just as wise.
Thus from a mixture of all kinds began,
That heterogeneous thing an Englishman;
In eager rapes and furious lust begot,
Betwixt a painted Briton and a Scot;
Whose gendering offspring quickly learned to bow,
And yoke their heifers to the Roman plough;
From whence a mongrel half-bred race there came,
With neither name nor nation, speech nor fame;
In whose hot veins new mixtures quickly ran,
Infused betwixt a Saxon and a Dane;
While their rank daughters, to their parents just,
Received all nations with promiscuous lust.
This nauseous brood directly did contain
The well-extracted brood of Englishmen.
Which medley cantoned in a Heptarchy,
A rhapsody of nations to supply,
Among themselves maintained eternal wars,
And still the ladies loved the conquerors.
The Western Angles all the rest subdued,
A bloody nation, barbarous and rude,
Who by the tenure of the sword possessed
One part of Britain, and subdued the rest.
And as great things denominate the small,
The conquering part gave title to the whole;
The Scot, Pict, Briton, Roman, Dane, submit,
And with the English-Saxon all unite;
And these the mixtures have so close pursued,
The very name and memory's subdued.
No Roman now, no Briton does remain;
Wales strove to separate, but strove in vain;
The silent nations undistinguished fall,
And Englishman's the common name of all.
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Fate jumbled them together, God knows how;
Whate'er they were, they're true-born English now.
The wonder which remains is at our pride,
To value that which all wise men deride.
For Englishmen to boast of generation
Cancels their knowledge and lampoons the nation.
A true-born Englishman's a contradiction,
In speech an irony, in fact a fiction;
A banter made to be a test of fools,
Which those that use it justly ridicules;
A metaphor invented to express
A man akin to all the universe.
For, as the Scots, as learned men have said,
Throughout the world their wandering seed have spread;
So open-handed England, 'tis believed,
Has all the gleanings of the world received.
Some think of England 'twas our Saviour meant,
The Gospel should to all the world be sent,
Since, when the blessed sound did hither reach,
They to all nations might be said to preach.
'Tis well that virtue gives nobility,
How shall we else the want of birth and blood supply?
Since scarce one family is left alive
Which does not from some foreigner derive.
Of sixty thousand English gentlemen,
Whose names and arms in registers remain,
We challenge all our heralds to declare
Ten families which English-Saxons are.
France justly owns the ancient noble line
Of Bourbon, Montmorency, and Lorraine,
The Germans too their House of Austria show
And Holland their invincible Nassau,
Lines which in heraldry were ancient grown
Before the name of Englishman was known.
Even Scotland, too, her elder glory shows,
Her Gordons, Hamiltons, and her Monros,
Douglas, Mackays, and Grahams, names well known
Long before ancient England knew her own.
But England, modern to the last degree,
Borrows or makes her own nobility,
And yet she boldly boasts of pedigree;
Repines that foreigners are put upon her,
And talks of her antiquity and honour;
Her Sackvilles, Saviles, Capels, De la Meres,
Mohuns, and Montagues, Darcys, and Veres,
Not one have English names, yet all are English peers.
Your Hermans, Papillons, and Lavalliers,
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Pass now for true-born English knights and squires,
And make good senate members or Lord Mayors.
Wealth, howsoever got, in England makes
Lords of mechanics, gentlemen of rakes:
Antiquity and birth are needless here;
'Tis impudence and money makes a peer.
Innumerable City knights, we know,
From Bluecoat Hospital and Bridewell flow.
Draymen and porters fill the city Chair,
And footboys magisterial purple wear.
Fate has but very small distinction set
Betwixt the counter and the coronet.
Tarpaulin lords, pages of high renown,
Rise up by poor men's valour, not their own.
Great families of yesterday we show,
And lords, whose parents were the Lord knows who.
PART II.
THE breed's described: Now, Satire, if you can,
Their temper show, for manners make the man.
Fierce, as the Briton; as the Roman, brave;
And less inclined to conquer than to save;
Eager to fight, and lavish of their blood,
And equally of fear and forecast void.
The Pict has made 'em sour, the Dane morose;
False from the Scot, and from the Norman worse.
What honesty they have, the Saxons gave them,
And that, now they grow old, begins to leave them.
The climate makes them terrible and bold,
And English beef their courage does uphold;
No danger can their daring spirit pall,
Always provided that their belly's full.
In close intrigues their faculty's but weak,
For generally whate'er they know they speak,
And often their own counsels undermine
By their infirmity, and not design;
From whence the learned say it does proceed,
That English treasons never can succeed;
For they're so open-hearted, you may know
Their own most secret thoughts, and others too.
The lab'ring poor, in spite of double pay,
Are saucy, mutinous, and beggarly,
So lavish of their money and their time,
That want of forecast is the nation's crime.
Good drunken company is their delight,
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And what they get by day they spend by night.
Dull thinking seldom does their heads engage,
But drink their youth away, and hurry on old age.
Empty of all good husbandry and sense,
And void of manners most when void of pence.
Their strong aversion to behaviour's such,
They always talk too little or too much;
So dull, they never take the pains to think,
And seldom are good-natured, but in drink.
In English ale their dear enjoyment lies,
For which they'll starve themselves and families.
An Englishman will fairly drink as much
As will maintain two families of Dutch:
Subjecting all their labour to their pots;
The greatest artists are the greatest sots.
The country poor do by example live,
The gentry lead them, and the clergy drive:
What may we not from such examples hope?
The landlord is their god, the priest their pope.
A drunken clergy and a swearing bench
Has given the Reformation such a drench,
As wise men think there is some cause to doubt
Will purge good manners and religion out.
Nor do the poor alone their liquor prize;
The sages join in this great sacrifice;
The learned men who study Aristotle,
Correct him with an explanation bottle;
Praise Epicurus rather than Lysander,
And Aristippus1 more than Alexander.
The doctors, too ,their Galen here resign,
And generally prescribe specific wine;
The graduate's study's grown an easier task,
While for the urinal they toss the flask;
The surgeon's art grows plainer every hour,
And wine's the balm which into wounds they pour;
Poets long since Parnassus have forsaken,
And say the ancient bards were all mistaken.
Apollo's lately abdicate and fled,
And good King Bacchus governs in his stead;
He does the chaos of the head refine,
And atom-thoughts jump into words by wine:
The inspirations of a finer nature,
As wine must needs excel Parnassus' water.
Statesmen their weighty politics refine,
And soldiers raise their courages by wine;
Cecilia gives her choristers their choice,
And let's them all drink wine to clear their voice.
Some think the clergy first found out the way,
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And wine's the only spirit by which they pray;
But others, less profane than so, agree
It clears the lungs and helps the memory;
And therefore all of them divinely think,
Instead of study, 'tis as well to drink.
And here I would be very glad to know
Whether our Asgilites may drink or no;
Th' englight'ning fumes of wine would certainly
Assist them much when they begin to fly;
Or if a fiery chariot should appear,
Inflamed by wine, they'd have the less to fear.
Even the gods themselves, as mortals say,
Were they on earth, would be as drunk as they;
Nectar would be no more celestial drink,
They'd all take wine, to teach them how to think.
But English drunkards gods and men outdo,
Drink their estates away, and money too.
Colon's in debt, and if his friends should fail
To help him out, must die at last in gaol;
His wealthy uncle sent a hundred nobles,
To pay his trifles off, and rid him of his troubles;
But Colon, like a true-born Englishman,
Drank all the money out in bright champagne,
And Colon does in custody remain.
Drunk'ness has been the darling of the realm,
E'er since a drunken pilot bad the helm.
In their religion they are so uneven,
That each man goes his own by-way to Heaven.
Tenacious of mistakes to that degree
That ev'ry man pursues it sep'rately,
And fancies none can find the way but he:
So shy of one another they are grown,
As if they strove to get to Heaven alone.
Rigid and zealous, positive and grave,
And ev'ry grace but Charity they have.
This makes them so ill-natured and uncivil,
That all men think an Englishman the devil.
Surly to strangers, froward to their friend;
Submit to love with a reluctant mind.
Resolved to be ungrateful and unkind,
If by necessity reduced to ask,
The giver has the difficultest task;
For what's bestowed they awkwardly receive,
And always take less freely than they give.
The obligation is their highest grief,
And never love where they accept relief.
So sullen in their sorrow, that 'tis known,
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They'll rather die than their afflictions own;
And if relieved, it is too often true
That they'll abuse their benefactors too;
For in distress, their haughty stomach's such,
They hate to see themselves obliged too much.
Seldom contented, often in the wrong,
Hard to be pleased at all, and never long.
If your mistakes their ill opinion gain,
No merit can their favour re-obtain;
And if they're not vindictive in their fury,
'Tis their unconstant temper does secure ye.
Their brain's so cool, their passion seldom burns,
For all's condensed before the flame returns;
The fermentation's of so weak a matter,
The humid damps the fume, and runs it all to water.
So, though the inclination may be strong,
They're pleased by fits, and never angry long.
Then, if good-nature shows some slender proof,
They never think they have reward enough,
But like our modern Quakers of the town,
Expect your manners, and return you none.
Friendship, th' abstracted union of the mind,
Which all men seek, but very few can find:
Of all the nations in the universe,
None talk on't more, or understand it less;
For if it does their property annoy,
Their property their friendship will destroy.
As you discourse them, you shall hear them tell
All things in which they think they do excel.
No panegyric needs their praise record;
An Englishman ne'er wants his own good word.
His long discourses gen'rally appear
Prologued with his own wond'rous character.
But first to illustrate his own good name,
He never fails his neighbour to defame;
And yet he really designs no wrong—
His malice goes no further than his tongue.
But pleased to tattle, he delights to rail,
To satisfy the lech'ry of a tale.
His own dear praises close the ample speech;
Tells you how wise he is—that is, how rich:
For wealth is wisdom; he that's rich is wise;
And all men learnéd poverty despise.
His generosity comes next, and then
Concludes that he's a true-born Englishman;
And they, 'tis known, are generous and free,
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Forgetting and forgiving injury:
Which may be true, thus rightly understood,
Forgiving ill turns, and forgetting good.
Cheerful in labour when they've undertook it,
But out of humour, when they're out of pocket.
But if their belly and their pocket's full,
They may be phlegmatic, but never dull:
And if a bottle does their brains refine,
It makes their wit as sparkling as their wine.
As for the general vices which we find
They're guilty of, in common with mankind,
Satire, forbear, and silently endure;
We must conceal the crimes we cannot cure.
Nor shall my verse the brighter sex defame,
For English beauty will preserve her name,
Beyond dispute, agreeable and fair,
And modester than other nations are:
For where the vice prevails, the great temptation
Is want of money more than inclination.
In general, this only is allowed,
They're something noisy, and a little proud.
An Englishman is gentlest in command,
Obedience is a stranger in the land:
Hardly subjected to the magistrate;
For Englishmen do all subjection hate.
Humblest when rich, but peevish when they're poor,
And think, whate'er they have, they merit more.
The meanest English ploughman studies law,
And keeps thereby the magistrates in awe;
Will boldly tell them what they ought to do,
And sometimes punish their omissions too.
Their liberty and property's so dear,
They scorn their laws or governors to fear:
So bugbeared with the name of slavery,
They can't submit to their own liberty.
Restraint from ill is freedom to the wise;
But Englishmen do all restraint despise.
Slaves to the liquor, drudges to the pots,
The mob are statesmen and their statesmen sots.
Their governors they count such dangerous things,
That 'tis their custom to affront their kings:
So jealous of the power their kings possest,
They suffer neither power nor king to rest.
The bad with force they eagerly subdue:
The good with constant clamours they pursue;
And did King Jesus reign, they'd murmur too.
A discontented nation, and by far
Harder to rule in times of peace than war:
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Easily set together by the ears,
And full of causeless jealousies and fears:
Apt to revolt, and willing to rebel,
And never are contented when they're well.
No Government could ever please them long,
Could tie their hands, or rectify their tongue:
In this to ancient Israel well compared,
Eternal murmurs are among them heard.
It was but lately that they were oppressed,
Their rights invaded, and their laws suppressed:
When nicely tender of their liberty,
Lord! what a noise they made of slavery.
In daily tumult show'd their discontent,
Lampooned the King, and mocked his Government.
And if in arms they did not first appear,
'Twas want of force, and not for want of fear.
In humbler tone than English used to do,
At foreign hands for foreign aid they sue.
William, the great successor of Nassau,
Their prayers heard and their oppressions saw:
He saw and saved them; God and him they praised,
To this their thanks, to that their trophies raised.
But, glutted with their own felicities,
They soon their new deliverer despise;
Say all their prayers back, their joy disown,
Unsing their thanks, and pull their trophies down;
Their harps of praise are on the willows hung,
For Englishmen are ne'er contented long.
The reverend clergy, too! Who would have thought
That they, who had such non-resistance taught,
Should e'er to arms against their prince be brought,
Who up to Heaven did regal power advance,
Subjecting English laws to modes of France,
Twisting religion so with loyalty,
As one could never live and t'other die.
And yet no sooner did their prince design
Their glebes and perquisites to undermine,
But, all their passive doctrines laid aside,
The clergy their own principles denied;
Unpreached their non-resisting cant, and prayed
To Heaven for help and to the Dutch for aid.
The Church chimed all her doctrines back again,
And pulpit champions did the cause maintain;
Flew in the face of all their former zeal,
And non-resistance did at once repeal.
The Rabbis say it would be too prolix,
To tie religion up to politics:
The Church's safety is suprema lex.
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And so, by a new figure of their own,
Their former doctrines all at once disown;
As laws post facto in the Parliament
In urgent cases have obtained assent,
But are as dangerous precedents laid by,
Made lawful only by necessity.
The reverend fathers then in arms appear,
And men of God become the men of war.
The nation, fired by them, to arms apply,
Assault their Antichristian monarchy;
To their due channel all our laws restore,
And made things what they should have been before.
But when they came to fill the vacant throne,
And the pale priests looked back on what they'd done;
How English liberty began to thrive,
And Church of England loyalty outlive;
How all their persecuting days were done,
And their deliverer placed upon the throne:
The priests, as priests are wont to do, turned tail;
They're Englishmen, and nature will prevail.
Now they deplore the ruins they have made,
And murmur for the master they betrayed,
Excuse those crimes they could not make him mend;
And suffer for the cause they can't defend.
Pretend they'd not have carried things so high,
And proto-martyrs make for Popery.
Had the prince done as they designed the thing,
Have set the clergy up to rule the King,
Taken a donative for coming hither,
And so have left their King and them together,
We had, say they, been now a happy nation.
No doubt we had seen a blessed reformation:
For wise men say 't's as dangerous a thing,
A ruling priesthood as a priest-rid king;
And of all plagues with which mankind are curst,
Ecclesiastic tyranny's the worst.
If all our former grievances were feigned,
King James has been abused and we trepanned;
Bugbeared with Popery and power despotic,
Tyrannic goverment and leagues exotic:
The Revolution's a fanatic plot,
William a tyrant, Sunderland a sot:
A factious army and a poisoned nation
Unjustly forced King James's abdication.
But if he did the subjects' rights invade,
Then he was punished only, not betrayed;
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And punishing of kings is no such crime,
But Englishmen have done it many a time.
When kings the sword of justice first lay down,
They are no kings, though they possess the crown:
Titles are shadows, crowns are empty things,
The good of subjects is the end of kings;
To guide in war and to protect in peace;
Where tyrants once commence the kings do cease;
For arbitrary power's so strange a thing,
It makes the tyrant and unmakes the king.
If kings by foreign priests and armies reign,
And lawless power against their oaths maintain,
Then subjects must have reason to complain.
If oaths must bind us when our kings do ill,
To call in foreign aid is to rebel.
By force to circumscribe our lawful prince
Is wilful treason in the largest sense;
And they who once rebel, most certainly
Their God, and king, and former oaths defy.
If we allow no mal-administration
Could cancel the allegiance of the nation,
Let all our learned sons of Levi try
This ecclesastic riddle to untie:
How they could make a step to call the prince,
And yet pretend to oaths and innocence?
By the first address they made beyond the seas,
They're perjured in the most intense degrees;
And without scruple for the time to come
May swear to all the kings in Christendom.
And truly did our kings consider all,
They'd never let the clergy swear at all;
Their politic allegiance they'd refuse,
For whores and priests will never want excuse.
But if the mutual contract were dissolved,
The doubts explained, the difficulty solved,
That kings, when they descend to tyranny,
Dissolve the bond and leave the subject free.
The government's ungirt when justice dies,
And constitutions are non-entities;
The nation's all a Mob, there's no such thing
As Lords or Commons, Parliament or King.
A great promiscuous crowd the hydra lies
Till laws revive and mutual contract ties;
A chaos free to choose for their own share
What case of government they please to wear.
If to a king they do the reins commit,
All men are bound in conscience to submit;
But then that king must by his oath assent
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To postulatas of the government,
Which if he breaks, he cuts off the entail,
And power retreats to its original.
This doctrine has the sanction of assent,
From Nature's universal Parliament.
The voice of Nature and the course of things
Allow that laws superior are to kings.
None but delinquents would have justice cease;
Knaves rail at laws as soldiers rail at peace;
For justice is the end of government,
As reason is the test of argument.
No man was ever yet so void of sense
As to debate the right of self-defence,
A principle so grafted in the mind,
With Nature born, and does like Nature bind;
Twisted with reason and with Nature too,
As neither one or other can undo.
Nor can this right be less when national;
Reason, which governs one, should govern all.
Whate'er the dialects of courts may tell,
He that his right demands can ne'er rebel,
Which right, if 'tis by governors denied,
May be procured by force or foreign aid;
For tyranny's a nation's term of grief,
As folks cry "Fire" to hasten in relief;
And when the hated word is heard about,
All men should come to help the people out.
Thus England groaned—Britannia's voice was heard,
And great Nassau to rescue her appeared,
Called by the universal voice of Fate—
God and the people's legal magistrate.
Ye Heavens regard! Almighty Jove look down,
And view thy injured monarch on the throne.
On their ungrateful heads due vengeance take,
Who sought his aid and then his part forsake.
Witness, ye Powers! It was our call alone,
Which now our pride makes us ashamed to own.
Britannia's troubles fetched him from afar,
To court the dreadful casualties of war;
But where requital never can be made,
Acknowledgment's a tribute seldom paid.
He dwelt in bright Maria's circling arms,
Defended by the magic of her charms,
From foreign fears and from domestic harms.
Ambition found no fuel to her fire;
He had what God could give or man desire.
Till pity roused him from his soft repose,
His life to unseen hazards to expose;
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Till pity moved him in our cause t' appear;
Pity! that word which now we hate to hear.
But English gratitude is always such,
To hate the hand which doth oblige too much.
Britannia's cries gave birth to his intent,
And hardly gained his unforeseen assent;
His boding thoughts foretold him he should find
The people fickle, selfish, and unkind.
Which thought did to his royal heart appear
More dreadful than the dangers of the war;
For nothing grates a generous mind so soon
As base returns for hearty service done.
Satire, be silent! awfully prepare
Britannia's song and William's praise to hear.
Stand by, and let her cheerfully rehearse
Her grateful vows in her immortal verse.
Loud Fame's eternal trumpet let her sound;
Listen, ye distant Poles and endless round.
May the strong blast the welcome news convey
As far as sound can reach or spirit can fly.
To neighb'ring worlds, if such there be, relate
Our hero's fame, for theirs to imitate.
To distant worlds of spirits let her rehearse:
For spirits, without the help of voice, converse.
May angels hear the gladsome news on high,
Mixed with their everlasting symphony.
And Hell itself stand in suspense to know
Whether it be the fatal blast or no.
BRITANNIA.
The fame of virtue 'tis for which I sound,
And heroes with immortal triumphs crowned.
Fame, built on solid virtue, swifter flies
Than morning light can spread my eastern skies.
The gath'ring air returns the doubling sound,
And loud repeating thunders force it round;
Echoes return from caverns of the deep;
Old Chaos dreams on't in eternal sleep;
Time hands it forward to its latest urn,
From whence it never, never shall return;
Nothing is heard so far or lasts so long;
'Tis heard by every ear and spoke by every tongue.
My hero, with the sails of honour furled,
Rises like the great genius of the world.
By Fate and Fame wisely prepared to be
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The soul of war and life of victory;
He spreads the wings of virtue on the throne,
And every wind of glory fans them on.
Immortal trophies dwell upon his brow,
Fresh as the garlands he has won but now.
By different steps the high ascent he gains,
And differently that high ascent maintains.
Princes for pride and lust of rule make war,
And struggle for the name of conqueror.
Some fight for fame, and some for victory;
He fights to save, and conquers to set free.
Then seek no phrase his titles to conceal,
And hide with words what actions must reveal.
No parallel from Hebrew stories take
Of god-like kings my similies to make;
No borrowed names conceal my living theme,
But names and things directly I proclaim.
'Tis honest merit does his glory raise,
Whom that exalts let no man fear to praise:
Of such a subject no man need be shy,
Virtue's above the reach of flattery.
He needs no character but his own fame,
Nor any flattering titles but his name:
William's the name that's spoke by every tongue,
William's the darling subject of my song.
Listen, ye virgins to the charming sound,
And in eternal dances hand it round:
Your early offerings to this altar bring,
Make him at once a lover and a king.
May be submit to none but to your arms,
Nor ever be subdued but by your charms.
May your soft thoughts for him be all sublime,
And every tender vow be made for him.
May he be first in every morning thought,
And Heaven ne'er hear a prayer when he's left out.
May every omen, every boding dream,
Be fortunate by mentioning his name;
May this one charm infernal power affright,
And guard you from the terrors of the night;
May every cheerful glass, as it goes down
To William's health, be cordials to your own.
Let every song be chorused with his name,
And music pay her tribute to his fame;
Let every poet tune his artful verse,
And in immortal strains his deeds rehearse.
And may Apollo never more inspire
The disobedient bard with his seraphic fire;
May all my sons their grateful homage pay,
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His praises sing, and for his safety pray.
Satire, return to our unthankful isle,
Secured by Heaven's regard and William's toil;
To both ungrateful and to both untrue,
Rebels to God, and to good-nature too.
If e'er this nation be distressed again,
To whomsoe'er they cry, they'll cry in vain;
To Heaven they cannot have the face to look,
Or, if they should, it would but Heaven provoke.
To hope for help from man would be too much,
Mankind would always tell them of the Dutch;
How they came here our freedoms to obtain,
Were paid and cursed, and hurried home again;
How by their aid we first dissolved our fears,
And then our helpers damned for foreigners.
'Tis not our English temper to do better,
For Englishmen think every man their debtor.
'Tis worth observing that we ne'er complained
Of foreigners, nor of the wealth they gained,
Till all their services were at an end.
Wise men affirm it is the English way
Never to grumble till they come to pay,
And then they always think, their temper's such,
The work too little and the pay too much.
As frightened patients, when they want a cure,
Bid any price, and any pain endure;
But when the doctor's remedies appear,
The cure's too easy and the price too dear.
Great Portland ne'er was bantered when he strove
For us his master's kindest thoughts to move;
We ne'er lampooned his conduct when employed
King James's secret counsels to divide:
Then we caressed him as the only man
Which could the doubtful oracle explain;
The only Hushai able to repel
The dark designs of our Achitophel;
Compared his master's courage to his sense,
The ablest statesman and the bravest prince.
On his wise conduct we depended much,
And liked him ne'er the worse for being Dutch.
Nor was he valued more than he deserved,
Freely he ventured, faithfully he served.
In all King William's dangers he has shared;
In England's quarrels always he appeared:
The Revolution first, and then the Boyne,
In both his counsels and his conduct shine;
His martial valour Flanders will confess,
And France regrets his managing the peace.
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Faithful to England's interest and her king;
The greatest reason of our murmuring.
Ten years in English service he appeared,
And gained his master's and the world's regard:
But 'tis not England's custom to reward.
The wars are over, England needs him not;
Now he's a Dutchman, and the Lord knows what.
Schomberg, the ablest soldier of his age,
With great Nassau did in our cause engage:
Both joined for England's rescue and defence,
The greatest captain and the greatest prince.
With what applause his stories did we tell!
Stories which Europe's volumes largely swell.
We counted him an army in our aid:
Where he commanded, no man was afraid.
His actions with a constant conquest shine,
From Villa-Viciosa to the Rhine.
France, Flanders, Germany, his fame confess,
And all the world was fond of him, but us.
Our turn first served, we grudged him the command:
Witness the grateful temper of the land.
We blame the King that he relies too much
On strangers, Germans, Hugonots, and Dutch,
And seldom does his great affairs of state
To English counsellors communicate.
The fact might very well be answered thus:
He has so often been betrayed by us,
He must have been a madman to rely
On English Godolphin's fidelity.
For laying other arguments aside,
This thought might mortify our English pride,
That foreigners have faithfully obeyed him,
And none but Englishmen have e'er betrayed him.
They have our ships and merchants bought and sold,
And bartered English blood for foreign gold.
First to the French they sold our Turkey fleet,
And injured Talmarsh next at Camaret.
The King himself is sheltered from their snares,
Not by his merit, but the crown he wears.
Experience tells us 'tis the English way
Their benefactors always to betray.
And lest examples should be too remote,
A modern magistrate of famous note
Shall give you his own character by rote.
I'll make it out, deny it he that can,
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His worship is a true-born Englishman,
In all the latitude of that empty word,
By modern acceptations understood.
The parish books his great descent record,
And now he hopes ere long to be a lord.
And truly, as things go, it would be pity
But such as he should represent the City:
While robbery for burnt-offering he brings,
And gives to God what he has stole from kings:
Great monuments of charity he raises,
And good St. Magnus whistles out his praises.
To City gaols he grants a jubilee,
And hires huzzas from his own Mobilee.1
Lately he wore the golden chain and gown,
With which equipped, he thus harangued the town.
HIS FINE SPEECH, ETC.
With clouted iron shoes and sheep-skin breeches,
More rags than manners, and more dirt than riches;
From driving cows and calves to Layton Market,
While of my greatness there appeared no spark yet,
Behold I come, to let you see the pride
With which exalted beggars always ride.
Born to the needful labours of the plough,
The cart-whip graced me, as the chain does now.
Nature and Fate, in doubt what course to take,
Whether I should a lord or plough-boy make,
Kindly at last resolved they would promote me,
And first a knave, and then a knight, they vote me.
What Fate appointed, Nature did prepare,
And furnished me with an exceeding care,
To fit me for what they designed to have me;
And every gift, but honesty, they gave me.
And thus equipped, to this proud town I came,
In quest of bread, and not in quest of fame.
Blind to my future fate, a humble boy,
Free from the guilt and glory I enjoy,
The hopes which my ambition entertained
Were in the name of foot-boy all contained.
The greatest heights from small beginnings rise;
The gods were great on earth before they reached the skies.
B—well, the generous temper of whose mind
Was ever to be bountiful inclined,
Whether by his ill-fate or fancy led,
First took me up, and furnished me with bread.
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The little services he put me to
Seemed labours, rather than were truly so.
But always my advancement he designed,
For 'twas his very nature to be kind.
Large was his soul, his temper ever free;
The best of masters and of men to me.
And I, who was before decreed by Fate
To be made infamous as well as great,
With an obsequious diligence obeyed him,
Till trusted with his all, and then betrayed him.
All his past kindnesses I trampled on,
Ruined his fortunes to erect my own.
So vipers in the bosom bred, begin
To hiss at that hand first which took them in.
With eager treachery I his fall pursued,
And my first trophies were Ingratitude.
Ingratitude, the worst of human wit,
The basest action mankind can commit;
Which, like the sin against the Holy Ghost,
Has least of honour, and of guilt the most;
Distinguished from all other crimes by this,
That 'tis a crime which no man will confess.
That sin alone, which should not be forgiven
On earth, although perhaps it may in Heaven.
Thus my first benefactor I o'erthrew;
And how should I be to a second true?
The public trusts came next into my care,
And I to use them scurvily prepare.
My needy sovereign lord I played upon,
And lent him many a thousand of his own;
For which great interests I took care to charge,
And so my ill-got wealth became so large.
My predecessor, Judas, was a fool,
Fitter to have been whipped and sent to school
Than sell a Saviour. Had I been at hand,
His Master had not been so cheap trepanned;
I would have made the eager Jews have found,
For forty pieces, thirty thousand pound.
My Cousin, Ziba, of immortal fame,
(Ziba and I shall never want a name),
First-born of treason, nobly did advance
His master's fall for his inheritance,
By whose keen arts old David first began
To break his sacred oath to Jonathan:
The good old king, 'tis thought, was very loth
To break his word, and therefore broke his oath.
Ziba's a traitor of some quality,
Yet Ziba might have been informed by me:
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Had I been there, he ne'er had been content
With half the estate, nor half the government.
In our late revolution 'twas thought strange
That I, of all mankind, should like the change;
But they who wondered at it never knew
That in it I did my old game pursue;
Nor had they heard of twenty thousand pound,
Which never yet was lost, nor ne'er was found.
Thus all things in their turn to sale I bring,
God and my master first, and then the King;
Till, by successful villanies made bold,
I thought to turn the nation into gold;
And so to forgery my hand I bent,
Not doubting I could gull the Government;
But there was ruffled by the Parliament.
And if I 'scaped the unhappy tree to climb,
'Twas want of law, and not for want of crime.
But my old friend,1 who printed in my face
A needful competence of English brass,
Having more business yet for me to do,
And loth to lose his trusty servant so,
Managed the matter with such art and skill,
As saved his hero and threw out the bill.
And now I'm graced with unexpected honours,
For which I'll certainly abuse the donors.
Knighted, and made a tribune of the people,
Whose laws and properties I'm like to keep well;
The custos rotulorum of the City,
And captain of the guards of their banditti.
Surrounded by my catchpoles, I declare
Against the needy debtor open war;
I hang poor thieves for stealing of your pelf,
And suffer none to rob you but myself.
The King commanded me to help reform ye,
And how I'll do't, Miss shall inform ye.
I keep the best seraglio in the nation,
And hope in time to bring it into fashion.
For this my praise is sung by every bard,
For which Bridewell would be a just reward.
In print my panegyrics fill the streets,
And hired gaol-birds their huzzas repeat.
Some charities contrived to make a show,
Have taught the needy rabble to do so,
Whose empty noise is a mechanic fame,
Since for Sir Belzebub they'd do the same.
THE CONCLUSION.
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Then let us boast of ancestors no more,
Or deeds of heroes done in days of yore,
In latent records of the ages past,
Behind the rear of time, in long oblivion placed.
For if our virtues must in lines descend,
The merit with the families would end,
And intermixtures would most fatal grow;
For vice would be hereditary too;
The tainted blood would of necessity
In voluntary wickedness convey.
Vice, like ill-nature, for an age or two
May seem a generation to pursue;
But virtue seldom does regard the breed;
Fools do the wise, and wise men fools succeed.
What is't to us what ancestors we had?
If good, what better? or what worse, if bad?
Examples are for imitation set,
Yet all men follow virtue with regret.
Could but our ancestors retrieve the fate,
And see their offspring thus degenerate;
How we contend for birth and names unknown,
And build on their past actions, not our own;
They'd cancel records, and their tombs deface,
And openly disown the vile degenerate race:
For fame of families is all a cheat,
'Tis personal virtue only makes us great.
F I N I S.
By Daniel Defoe
55
Robert Laytham