Hotel Ménage
By: Gloria De Leon
Gloria De Leon
658 W. Santa Barbara St.
Santa Paula, CA 93060
CorazonSPHS@hotmail.com
1
KATE
ASH
GINGI
HOTEL EMPLOYEE
CAL
a woman; any ethnicity; age between 25 and 35 years old
a man; any ethnicity; age 25
a woman; any ethnicity; any age
a man; any ethnicity; any age
a man; any ethnicity; he should be close in age to Kate
Scene 1
It is 12:30 am on a Friday night. The set is a nice hotel lobby. The front desk is SR. There is a window frame
hanging center stage to suggest there is a window in the lobby. There is a chair in the lobby to the L of the front
desk and to the R of the window . The hotel entrance is SL. Above the entrance, a sign reads “Hotel Ménage”.
Below the sign, a set of stairs leads to the door. Inside the hotel, a stoic, well-dressed hotel employee stands
behind the counter, working on a computer. GINGI, a homeless woman, tip-toes into the hotel. She heads for
the chair, looking for a place to sleep. The Hotel Employee notices her.
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Oh, no, not you again.
GINGI: Gray fruit and RAR! (she makes animal noises). Ar, rar, awr!
H.E.: Look, uncomely, pre-makeover, Eliza Dolittle, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: I can’t
give you a room. (Realizing she’s heading for the chair) No, no. (He pulls out Fabreeze and a towel to cover his
nose with) No, absolutely not. (He chases her out the door with the Fabreeze).
Hotel Employee returns to his post behind the computer. Gingi, falls asleep on the stairs outside the hotel.
KATE, walks in SR. She is walking along the outside of the hotel. She looks at her cell phone and contemplates
whether or not to call someone. She voices what she plans to say.
KATE: Hi Cal! (no, too happy) Hey, Cal, whatcha doin’? (no, too relaxed.) Ugh, (she starts to dial the number,
hangs up and sighs. She notices the ‘Hotel Ménage’ sign. She looks up and whispers.) Please, oh, please, oh
please, oh please (she approaches the hotel steps but has trouble getting around Gingi). Hi, I’m so sorry, excuse
me.
GINGI: Awwww! Rack up those teeth. You like them pretty teeth tooth fairy?
KATE: What? (realizes the woman is talking nonsense) Oh, uh, no, sorry, I’m just trying to get through. Sorry.
GINGI: Doctor! Ha! ……..Rar arr! (she starts to laugh) the sailor’s feet …every time! (Kate makes it to the
door and leaves Gingi grumbling nonsense to herself)
KATE: Hi. (she approaches the front desk)
H.E.: Hello. Welcome to Hotel Ménage. Do you have a reservation?
KATE: No (she sighs, replying to this question for the millionth time this evening), no I don’t. Please tell me
you’ve got something. This is the 7th hotel I’ve visited in the last hour and a half, and NO ONE seems to have
any rooms. I didn’t think it was usually this busy around here. Is there something going on this weekend?
2
H.E.: Yeah, it’s the annual Xena Convention.
KATE: Xena? The fighting, leather-skirt, lady from TV?
H.E.: The Warrior Princess (he corrects her; he is clearly a Xena fan and is offended by Kate’s irreverence for
the Warrior Princess, but decides not to dwell on it). So how many people will there be in your party tonight?
KATE: You have rooms available? (she is visibly surprised and relieved)
H.E.: Sure, we have several singles and a couple of doubles for larger parties. Will they be joining you soon?
KATE: Oh, no there’s no one else, it’ll just be me tonight.
H.E.: I’m sorry?
KATE: I said there’s no one else with me tonight. So a single would be great.
H.E. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I have anything for you.
KATE: What? (confused and horrified)
H.E.: I said, ‘I don’t think I have anything for you’. (he repeats slowly and articulately)
KATE: Ok, I heard you, but I also heard you, when you said that you had several rooms available.
H.E.: There are several empty rooms available. Unfortunately, you cannot use any of them.
KATE: Why? Pray tell (she becomes somewhat sarcastic when tired and annoyed).
H.E. Because this hotel has a strict Three-person-per-bed policy, and since you are only one person, and there
are no rooms with only a third of a bed in them, then I’m afraid I have no rooms available for you.
KATE: Wait, so, you have empty rooms?
H.E.: Yes.
KATE: But I can’t use any of them because there’s only one of me?
H.E.: Yes.
KATE: Is this a money issue? I mean is this something the hotel does so you can charge three times as much?
H.E.: Absolutely not.
KATE: Because I don’t really care what the room costs. I mean if you wanna charge me three times what I’d
pay anywhere else for a single, I’m not even gonna fight you over it. I am SO tired, just tell me how much you
want and give me a key.
H.E.: I’m sorry, but I think you misunderstood. The price of the room is standard regardless of the number of
guests, but the number of guests per bed cannot fall below three.
3
KATE: So you would rather, not occupy the room at all, than let me have it because I am less than three people.
(she is utterly confused)
H.E.: It’s not what I’d rather do or not do, it’s simply hotel policy. See it’s in the pamphlet (he hands her a hotel
pamphlet)
KATE: “Hotel Ménage.” (reading pamphlet) “Uniting the world, three at a time.” WHAT?
H.E.: Yes, a few decades ago, Hedges, Gustav, and Lowe, or The Three Wise Men, as I call them, (he obviously
really admires them) achieved a moment of divine enlightenment. Legend has it that one warm, August
morning, as they sipped their freshly squeezed OJ on the balcony of their beachfront condo in Venice Beach,
they witnessed an enchanting sunrise, and as they looked into each others’ eyes, they realized they were truly
110% happy
KATE: There’s no such thing as one hundred and tH.E.: but more amazing still, was the fact that they knew WHY they were happy! (he becomes increasingly
excited) For at that moment, HGandL discovered the secret to happiness, the holy grail of all holy grails! YES
(very enthusiastically)! That ever evasive key to world peace (near orgasmic): the ménage!
KATE: So….these guys started this hotel where only groups or three or more guests are allowed per room?
H.E. YES! Finally we are making sense! You see they realized that there is an inverse relationship between
world peace and monogamy: where monogamy is prevalent, unrest increases in the population, and where love
flows freely, people are at peace. It’s very simple really.
KATE: Ok, well, congratulations to your founders for their epiphany and all, and it’s not that I disagree that
married couples often leave a trail of discord wherever they’ve been, it’s just that, I still need a room and no one
else is coming.
H.E.: And I still can’t give you one. Look, I’m really sorry about your situation, but, without at least two other
people, there’s just nothing I can do for you.
KATE: Fuck! Alright (she sighs), well, ok. (She sits in the chair in the lobby and takes out her cell. She looks at
it. Should she call? Should she not? She can’t decide. ASH walks in. He is pleasant-looking, clean shaven, and
clean-cut. He’s got a small rolling suitcase. He approaches the desk.)
ASH: Hi.
H.E.: Hello (clearly much more enthused than when he greeted Kate)! Welcome to Hotel Ménage! Do you have
a reservation?
ASH: Oh, no sorry, I don’t. Do you have any rooms available?
H.E.: Sure, we have several singles and a couple of doubles for larger parties.
ASH: Great! I’ll take a single.
H.E.: No you will not.
4
ASH: I’m sorry?
H.E: Look sir, I would LOVE to help you. Unfortunately, per hotel policy, in order to get a single there must be
at least three people present who plan to sleep on the same bed, and as you are, inexplicably, by yourself
tonight, I am afraid I can’t offer you a room.
ASH: I’m sorry but I’m a little confused.
KATE: Excuse me, excuse me sir (she approaches Ash). Hi. I’m Kate. May I speak with you for a second? (Ash
follows her a few steps away from the employee so that he can’t overhear, though he is trying his best to do so)
Look, I know you don’t know me, but I think I may have a solution to your problem.
ASH: You mean you can help me get a room?
KATE: Yeah, see, I’ve been arguing with this guy over the stupid hotel policy that is currently keeping me from
a warm bath and from resting my head on fluffy pillows; but he’s not budging. The bottom line is: if we want a
room, we have to have three people. (The employee is bored and gives up on trying to listen in so he stops
paying any attention to them and goes about is business) I know this is going to sound crazy but I think that if
we can find one more person who needs a room, we can get a single.
ASH: Hmmmm.
KATE: I promise you, I’m not a creeper. Are you? I mean, can you promise not to kill me or touch me
inappropriately while I‘m sleeping?
ASH: OH, yes, of course! No, I’m not a creeper either.
KATE: So, what do you think?
ASH: Ummmm yeah, ok that sounds good.
KATE: Great! Ok, good, but where are we going to find someone else who needs a room? (Ash looks over at
the lump that is Gingi) Oh, no, ew.
ASH: It’s either her or nothing. C’mon, maybe she’s one of those noble vagrants, and despite being down on
her luck, she has a heart of gold, and the wisdom of someone who has lived a difficult life.
KATE: And, what if she kills us in our sleep?
ASH: Oh, c’mon, don’t be so judgmental. Look she’s kind of sweet, like a grandma. (Kate doesn’t see it) I
promise you I won’t let her kill us.
KATE: or touchASH: -or touch us inappropriately. (Kate blushes a little; likes that he’s trying to protect her)
KATE: Ok. Ok go get her. I’ll get the room. (Ash goes to Gingi and starts drawing her inside towards the desk.
Meanwhile, Kate approaches the counter.) Hi.
5
H.E.: You’re back!
KATE: Yes, and my friends and I (she motions towards Ash and Gingi who are now walking in) would like a
single please. (She hands him a credit card. He takes it and begins to process the transaction.).
H.E.: Well! (He’s pleased that Kate seems to have accepted the True Way, and found herself a couple to share
the night with.) Now, that’s more like it. (He looks at Ash) Well done my lady, (he looks at Gingi) though we
could have done better. But, no worries! Practice makes perfect, I’m sure you’ll exercise better judgment the
second time around (giving Gingi another look) Ew. Well, here’s your key (he returns the card and hands Kate
the key) down the hall, room 108. (He motions in front of him towards stage L. He sprays more Fabreeze as
Gingi walks away.)
ASH: Thank you (they start to walk SL). My name is Ashleigh (to Kate), but my friends call me Ash (they walk
off SL. Lights out on the front desk.).
Scene 2
Dim lights on the bedroom set. The lobby chair is turned and is now a part of the bedroom. The window is gone.
It’s a basic, clean, average-looking, hotel room. The door to the room is USR. The bed is centered in the room
and faces the audience so that the headboard is upstage C. There is a small bedside table, with a lamp, SR of
the bed, and a small closet to the R of that. A bathroom door SL. Kate walks in followed by Ash and Gingi. Kate
turns on the lamp. Gingi is startled by the light and she runs to the chair and curls up in it like a frightened
kitten. She mumbles to herself.
ASH: So, I’m not sure I got it, what’s the point of the “three-person-per-bed policy”?
KATE: I don’t know, something about the inverse relationship between monogamy and happiness. I guess the
people who started this hotel, did so to encourage threesomes and foursomes, and, well I guess anything beyond
that is just an orgy. They see the hotel as their way of making the world a better place. (Gingi, who’d been
trembling from the cold, and mumbling from the insanity, is getting comfortable; she smiles, happy on the soft
cushions of the armchair, and is beginning to fall asleep.)
ASH: Ah, I see. (pause) That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
KATE: Yeah, no kidding! I mean it’s great they’re trying to help the world, but honestly, I doubt they’re stupid
policy has ever really helped anyone.
ASH: Yeah. (Ash looks over at Gingi, now sleeping like a baby. A quick exhale in contemplation,) Huh. (He
starts to unpack and hang up his clothes in the closet) Do you want to share the closet? There’s plenty of room
for both of us.
KATE: No, go ahead. I’m not going to unpack. I have to leave by 7 so I’m just going to take a quick shower
and sleep as much as possible.
ASH: I’ve got an 8 o’clock plane to catch so I’m heading out pretty early too. I just like to unpack and organize
everything. It makes me feel more relaxed if everything is hung up when I get ready in the morning (He also
puts his wallet and cell phone in the closet).
6
KATE: So why did you need a hotel room? I mean if your plane leaves tomorrow, why not just drive to the
airport tomorrow instead of the night before?
ASH: Because my last plane arrived a couple of hours ago and my next one leaves in the morning.
KATE: Oh, are you a pilot?
ASH: I wish! No. Flight attendant.
KATE: Oh, fun.
ASH: Eh, interesting, I’ll give you that. I mean, this (he signals the whole room) was certainly unexpected.
KATE: Yeah. Not exactly in my plans either.
ASH: What about you? Are you here for business or pleasure?
KATE: Um (she considers why she’s here)…torture.
ASH: Huh?
KATE: Family obligation.
ASH: I see.
KATE: My sister’s getting married tomorrow, or later today, I guess. My family lives about an hour away from
here, but everyone’s so tired from the wedding preparations and so worried about their beauty sleep the night
before the big party, that no one wants to come get me.
ASH: Oh. Wow. Why didn’t you get an earlier flight?
KATE: I HAD an earlier flight. I was supposed to arrive at 5 but I had a layover in Utah and my connecting
flight was cancelled because apparently planes can’t fly in the snow. So anyway, I took the next available flight
which is why I didn’t get here till about 11. Then, I spent the next two hours looking for a hotel with a vacancy,
but honestly, right before I found this place, I would have probably settled for a decent park bench.
ASH: Wow, well I’m glad you found this place.
KATE: Yeah, and thank you so much for agreeing to this. I know it’s not ideal, butASH: Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s my pleasure. Besides, if it weren’t for you and that adorable vagrant
woman, I’m sure I wouldn’t have had a place to sleep either.
KATE: (She smiles) Ok. So, this bed is pretty wide, and I think she’s already nested, so do you wanna take that
side and I’ll take this one?
ASH: Sure.
KATE: Great! (a little too enthusiastically).
7
Ash continues to hang up his clothes and Kate grabs her stuff and goes into the bathroom. SFX shower water
running. Ash unpacks a wad of tissues. He opens it and looks at what’s inside, but the audience does not see it.
He starts to cry, wads it up and returns it to the suitcase. Gingi hears Ash crying. At first, she doesn’t know
what to do. She gets on all fours, and, pretending to be an animal, she crawls SL along the foot of the bed. She
crawls upstage still following the bed’s perimeter. Ash is watching her confused. She jumps onto Kate’s part of
the bed and hugs Ash. He hugs her and continues to cry.
GINGI: There, there, now. Gingi is momma bear. Rar (this time her ‘rar’s are gentle and she is petting Ash.)
Rar, rar. Gingi loves you little chicken.
ASH: Oh, Gingi, I’m afraid I’ve done such a terrible thing! I miss her so much!
GINGI: Sh, sh, (she starts rocking him)
ASH: It was all a big mistake.
GINGI: Sh, sh (she puts his head in her arms so he can be quiet)
ASH: (lifting his head) but my Nana.
GINGI: (she puts his head in her arms again and she sings a lullaby) Sing song, sing song, sing a song of
silence, hush now, sleep now, everybody’s quiet.
ASH: (lifting his head again) why couldn’t she just love me for me? (cut shower SFX)
GINGI: (she suddenly grabs his head and makes him look directly at her. A little less motherly, a little more
crazy) Love, love, love! Look at love! (still holding his head she makes him look all around the room) See? All
around. Chair love, walls love, bed love, pillows love, air love, love, love, love, (suddenly, loving mother again)
the sky is not falling little chicken. (she hugs him and starts to pet him again.)
ASH: Oh, God! You’re right! I can’t believe it! I mean it was so stupid! And it was nobody’s fault! I’m going to
call her right now (he takes out his cell and speed dials the number). Pick up, pick up, c’mon Nana, pleeeeeez
pick up. (no one answers so he tries again) Oh, God, please don’t let it be too late. SO stupid! (Still, no one
answers. He hangs up disheartened. Kate enters SL.) No! Why?! (Gingi hugs him and he begins to cry on her
shoulder. Kate is baffled.) I should have just swallowed it to begin with!
KATE: Ash? Is everything ok? (Again, Gingi rocks him back and forth, like a baby and she hums her lullaby.
He continues to cry.) Are you hurt? Do you need something? (She approaches them)
GINGI: (Noticing Kate, she points at her and yells) Veruca! Veruca Salt! Veruca Salt! (Gingi crawls on the bed
away from Kate and towards her chair. She returns to her fetal position on the chair and quiets down, but
continues to mumble quietly.)
KATE: Ok I don’t think she likes me, or Veruca Salt. Ash what’s wrong?
ASH: (speaking like a little boy through gigantic sobs) No.
KATE: C’mon, you can tell me?
ASH: No it’s stupid.
8
KATE: Ash if you’re this upset I’m sure it’s not stupid. What happened?
ASH: It’s just that, no, you’re gonna laugh.
KATE: No, I promise I won’t laugh.
ASH: Well….. ok. (he takes a deep breath and regroups in order to tell the story) My parents died when I was
little so my Nana raised me.
KATE: Oh, I’m sorry.
ASH: No, no need to be sorry. Nana’s great! She’s the best mother anyone could ever ask for! She’s always
been there for me, making sure I eat well and sleep well. That’s why I still lived with her after 25 years, because
she’s sweet and I really love having her around. But, then, last year……God, it was just SO stupid! (He starts
crying again)
KATE: What? What was stupid? Did she have an accident? Did she pass away? Ash, dying is just a part of
living; you can’t blame anyone for it.
ASH: No, no Nana’s still alive.
KATE: Oh.
ASH: It’s just that, well, about a year ago, my girlfriend and I were making out in my room. We hadn’t been
dating very long but I could tell things were going great because I’d just popped a bunch of strawberry flavored
pieces of gum into my mouth so my kisses were especially delicious that day. So anyways, as things progressed
we both started to get more and more into it. She reached down and pulled off my shirt; I slowly moved my
hands under hers and then lifted it over her shoulders; gently, I kissed her stomach, and then made my
way…..oh, sorry this is getting a little detailed.
KATE: No, go on. (She’s loving it.)
ASH: ….ok, well, I gently kissed her stomach, and then slowly made my way down. I undid her jeans, and then
pulled them off, panties and all.
KATE: Ohhhh (increasingly aroused)
ASH: I was so into it that I completely forgot about the gum until it was too late.
KATE: (no longer aroused) No! (horrified and incredulous)
ASH: Yes. The giant wad was completely entangled in the forest.
KATE: Uh! (feeling sympathy for the girlfriend)
ASH: I was SO embarrassed. I tried getting it out without telling her but the sticky fuck was stubbornly attached
to her pubes. God, she was SO mad!
KATE: (Incredulous and shocked) Did you have to cut it out?
9
ASH: Well I would have, except there was not a pair of scissors to be found in the entire house!
KATE: Not one? (Now she’s getting really into the story)
ASH: Not a one!
KATE: Oh, no! Did she have to go home that way?
ASH: No. Because what I did have, was a razor.
KATE: Oh, thank God!
ASH: Not quite. Have you ever shaved...(he motions towards her groin) the region?
KATE: Occasionally.
ASH: Do you remember what it was like to shave the very first time?
KATE: Ugh, yeah I think I went through three of those disposable razors you get as free samples in the mail.
ASH: Yes, well I only had one non-disposable one.
KATE: Oh, shoot.
ASH: Luckily, Nana had just left to play bingo at her friend’s house, so I was able to carry my pantless,
shirtless, girlfriend to the bathroom and place her in the tub. We’d been shaving for about 10 minutes and we
were beginning to make some progress, when Nana, opens the bathroom door.
KATE: NO!
ASH: So she sees me there, shirtless, and shaving the pubic area of what looks like a half-naked woman, only
there’s a pink mass peeking out from her crotch. Poor Nana, imagined the worse. She ran to her room and
prayed for several hours.
KATE: Poor Nana! It must have been the shock of her life! Is she very homophobic?
ASH: If I would have told her I was gay I don’t think she would have been so upset; I think what put her over
the edge was the idea that I achieve sexual pleasure from shaving hermaphrodites.
KATE: Didn’t you tell her the truth?
ASH: She’s a devout Catholic Kate. She probably would rather think that I enjoy shaving hermaphrodites than
that I went down on my girlfriend.
KATE: What?
ASH: Shaving for sexual pleasure may be weird but it doesn’t count as sex; oral sex does, and we weren’t
married.
10
KATE: Ash, that’s crazy! She’d really rather you were shaving a pussy dick than eating out, just because you
weren’t married?
ASH: She’s not crazy Kate, just brought up differently. She wants what she thinks is best for me.
KATE: Ok, well it sounds crazy. So, what happened after she was done praying?
ASH: I don’t know. I was so embarrassed, and ashamed that I packed my stuff and left. I haven’t seen her since.
KATE: You’re never called to explain.
ASH: No. I’ve wished I could so many times, but then I think, What if I DID like to shave hermaphrodites?
What if that made me happy? There are no commandments against genital shaving. Why can’t she just accept
me that way? Couldn’t she love me if that were the case?
KATE: But Ash it was all a misunderstanding.
ASH: Yes, but what if it was true? I wasn’t hurting anyone. It was clearly a consensual shave.
KATE: Ok, well, supposing you were doing what she thought you were doing, maybe in time she’d be ok with
it. You said she’d be ok with you being gay, maybe you just need to give her time to get used to the situation.
ASH: That’s what Gingi said!
KATE: Who?
ASH: Gingi (he points at Gingi).
KATE: She said that?
ASH: Bless her heart! (he starts to cry again) She just reminds me SO much of her. I couldn’t help but tell her
my story….and then, when I told her about how angry I was that she couldn’t just accept me for who I am, she
said, ‘the sky is not falling little chicken,’ and I realized how stupid I had been for losing touch with her over
something so senseless.
KATE: (slightly offended) How is ‘the sky is not falling little chicken’ the same as what I said?
ASH: Because (he stops crying) you said that Nana only needed time to accept what she thought she had seen,
and Gingi was referring to the classic story of Chicken Little. Do you remember that story? (doesn’t wait for an
answer). I love that story. It’s the one where a little chicken mistakes an apple for a piece of the sky after it falls
on his head. The little chicken freaks out because he thinks the sky is falling, a very new and scary idea. Only
after he finds out that it was only an apple that fell from a tree, a very commonplace event, does he calm down
and life returns to normal.
KATE: ….and?
ASH: Nana was scared and afraid because what she saw was something very new to her, but after she gets used
to the idea, everything will return to life as usual. See, it’s just like you said, just a little more articulate.
KATE: (annoyed) Oh. Yeah. (She starts to get ready for bed.)
11
ASH: See! I told you she was full of wisdom! Her words really inspired me! I’m SO glad she was still sitting on
those stairs when I went looking for her!
KATE: Yes, thank the Lord, she had no pressing engagements elsewhere.
ASH: She is an angel sent by God (he looks lovingly at the awkwardly positioned woman on the chair).
KATE: Yeah your regular cherub.
ASH: (he paces as he tries the phone number again, unsuccessfully. Again, fail.) C’mon Nana. (he checks his
watch) Why aren’t you answering?
KATE: (already in bed) So, what happened with the girl?
ASH: Who?
KATE: Your girlfriend, with the gum.
ASH: (He goes under the covers on his side of the bed.) OH! Gosh, she was SO mad after that she ended up
just ripping it right out with her bare hands.
KATE: Ouch!
ASH: Yeah, that was the last day I saw her too. She threw it at my face right as she was leaving. (Pause) I kept
it.
KATE: (disgusted) You what? Why?
ASH: I don’t know. I felt bad for it I guess. It was like, the little penis that never was.
KATE: (she’s heard enough) Goodnight Ash. (Kate rolls over to her left to sleep.)
ASH: Goodnight Kate. (Ash rolls to his right and turns off the lamp. Blackout.)
Scene 3
Dim light comes on so that it still looks like there are no lights on inside the room. Ash and Kate are sleeping in
their same spots but Kate is now facing SR. Gingi is now stretched out between them on the bed. She’s got her
arm up and Kate is facing her so that Kate’s nose is directly in Gingi’s armpit. Kate wakes up to the horrible
smell. The shock and the need to run to the bathroom to vomit, cause Kate to fall off the bed to the L. She gets
up and runs to the bathroom. Offstage sound of toilet seat lifting. Kate coughs as if she is going to throw up but
ends up not throwing up. She brings the toilet seat back down. She returns to the room and stands by the door to
compose herself for a moment. She is contemplating returning to the bed but on seeing Gingi’s foul form still
lying there, she walks over, picks up the pillow and walks back to the bathroom. Offstage Kate moves over the
shower curtain, gets into the tub, and moves the shower curtain back.
12
A few seconds later, Ash gets up and heads for the bathroom, still half asleep. He walks in. Offstage sound of
toilet seat lifting, SFX peeing sound; suddenly, Kate moves over the shower curtain, Ash is startled and turns
towards the noise but continues to pee. He is peeing on Kate.
Meanwhile in the room, Gingi wakes up. While the action continues in the bathroom, Gingi grabs her stuff as
well as Kate and Ash’s luggage and exits SR through the bedroom door.
ASH: Ahhhh! Who are you? Get away from me you ghost pervert!
KATE: Oh, my God! Ew Ash Stop! Stop Peeing!
ASH: Kate?
KATE: Yes, it’s Kate!
ASH: Oh my God, Kate, I’m so sorry I’m peeing on you.
KATE: Then STOP PEEING ON ME!!!
ASH: I can’t! You know how it is, once you start you can’t just cut the stream.
KATE: Well then turn around!
ASH: Oh, ok. (he turns around to pee in the toilet, peeing SFX turns off) Oh, look I’m done.
KATE: (Kate enters SL and walks towards the lamp to turn it on) Ugh, this is so disgusting.
ASH: (Ash follows her in) Oh, man! I am so sorry Kate. Did I get you bad? (She turns on the light and Kate’s
clothes are drenched) Oh, wow, yeah that’s bad. (Kate stands in shock and disgust. Ash goes to the restroom to
grab a face towel for her.)
KATE: Ugh, uuuuhhhhh. (Whining inarticulately)
ASH: Here (he hands her the towel which is clearly too small to repair the damage.) So, why were you spying
on me anyways?
KATE: (Recovering the ability to speak) I was NOT spying on you! What do you think I’m some kind of crazy
person that just waits for people in the restroom so I can watch them pee?
ASH: Hey I’m not judging, whatever floats your boat man.
KATE: I was in here because Gigi, Didi, or whatever, left the entire room smelling like a combination of B.O.
and tooth decay, so I was trying to get a couple of hours of decent sleep in the bathtub.
ASH: Aw c’mon, Gingi doesn’t smell so bad. Besides (he looks at her pee stained clothes) at this point you’re
probably even.
KATE: Ash! Where is she?!?
ASH: Who? Gingi?
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KATE: Yes! That precious angel of God! Where is she and where the hell is all our stuff?
ASH: Maybe she took our stuff to wash it for us.
KATE: She fuckin’ ROBBED us Ashleigh! She took all our shit! SHIT! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?
ASH: I can’t believe she would do that. She was so sweet.
KATE: (Gives Ash a disgusted look. Then realizes she’s still dressed in pee.) I’m dressed in pee. I’ve got
nothing else to wear, and I’m dressed in pee.
ASH: (Walks over to the closet and opens it. His clothes are still there) Kate look! (She looks over) She didn’t
take my clothes! She took my bag but she must have not noticed that I put all my clothes away! Here you can
wear this. (He tosses her a pair of men’s slacks and a dress shirt) The pants will probably be a little big but
here’s a belt, and the shirt’s also a little roomy but, hey at least it’s clean.
KATE: (She takes the clothes, making sure they don’t touch what she’s currently wearing so she won’t get pee
on them.) Thanks Ash.
ASH: Hey, no problem. (He smiles at her and they both blush. Kate looks at her pee stained clothes, and they
both crack up laughing. )
KATE: Ok, um, I’m gonna shower….do you need to use the restroom (realizing what she just asked), oh, right.
ASH: Oh, no, but if I do I promise only to do it in the toilet.
KATE: Yeah, ok.
ASH: See ya in the morning. (Kate goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Ash looks at the bathroom door, and
blushes as he considers what just happened. He turns off the lamp.)
Scene 4
Setting is hotel lobby, same as scene 1. Kate and Ash approach an empty front desk. They ring the bell and the
same hotel employee from before pops up from behind the counter, scaring Kate and Ash.
H.E.: Good morning! And how, may I ask, did you sleep, (whispers to them) if at all? (snickers)
KATE: (Not finding him funny at all) Great. Thank you. We want to check out.
H.E.: Ok sure, and where is the other guest?
KATE: Oh, she left already, she um, had to be somewhere.
H.E.: Oh, no! (there’s a look of horror on his face)
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ASH: Is there a problem?
H.E.: Is there a prob? Is there a problem? Yes, I am afraid there IS sir!
ASH: Ok, what’s the problem.
H.E.: The problem, I regret to inform you is that I checked in THREE people last night, and there are only two
of those three people standing before me attempting to check out!
ASH: Look we told you, she had to leave, we’ve already paid you we just need to turn in this key (he sets the
key down on the counter).
H.E.: But I am afraid that I cannot let you leave this building until I know the whereabouts of your companion,
because although you look like respectable people, the last thing I need is to be implicated in a murder case
ASH: Murder!!?
KATE: You think we killed her!?!?
H.E.: I’m not saying you did, but simply that you could have, (becoming more panicked) and that when the
crime scene investigators find her lifeless body lying in a pool of blood that stretches from the armchair to the
bathroom and they ask me, sir, ‘Why (he dramatically grabs Ash by the collar, as if he were the detective
demanding answers), why, in the name of God, did you let them walk out through those doors?!?!’ I have to,
HAVE TO have something better than, ‘they said she’d already left’.
KATE: (Kate and Ash both realize they are going to get nowhere by arguing with this crazy person) Oh! Oh,
you mean THAT lady?!?! You mean the one that was with us last night! Oh, no, no, she’s still in the room.
She’s just getting her stuff, hey (to Ash) why don’t we just go back and wait for her, and then we can all leave
together.
ASH: (Getting the hint that they’re going to need another solution. He looks back towards the room and then
sees the window.) Oh, yeah, that sounds good. Let’s do that. Oh, by the way (to the hotel employee), this hotel is
really nice and all but….um…
H.E.: Yes? (In disbelief that there is a complaint)
ASH: Well, it’s just that it seems like a complete rip off of Hotel Foursome.
H.E.: Excuse me?
ASH: Yeah, its this hotel that was founded by four guys who think that the only way to achieve global
happiness is for people to live in groups of four or more.
H.E.: You’re kidding me?
ASH: No, I’m serious I read about it on cnn.com, I’m sure if you look for it you can find the article, although it
was a couple of weeks ago so you’re going to have to dig around for it a little (the hotel employee is already
completely immersed in his task, he is incredulous and he MUST find the blasphemous article. Ash grabs Kate’s
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hand and they go towards the window. He checks that the guy is still not looking, and they quietly slip out
through the window. They leave laughing.)
H.E. No, that’s impossible! THEY must be the copycats. OH! They must have stayed here, yes, they must have
stayed here and loved it and stole the idea! Ugh! Hmmm where are they, I don’t see anything about a Hotel
Foursome. Huh, Hotel Foursome, what a trashy name, so obvious…. (The lights dim in the lobby and the hotel
employee disappears as Kate and Ash reappear running and laughing downstage.)
KATE: Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe we did that! I mean I can’t believe we HAD to do that, that guy was
ridiculous!
ASH: I know, I mean we literally had to escape through a window to get away from him!
KATE: Hey thanks for letting me borrow your clothes, I promise I’ll send them to you after I’ve washed them.
Can I get your info, so I know where to send them?
ASH: (He takes out his card) Oh, yeah here, and let me know what I owe you for the room.
KATE: (she puts the card in her pocket) Ok sure. I’d give you my card but (she signals that she obviously
doesn’t have them).
ASH: Hey no problem, just email me your info.
KATE: Ok. Hey, you still have your phone right?
ASH: Yeah.
KATE: Do you mind if I use it? I need to call someone to come pick me up.
ASH: Sure (he hands her the cell)
KATE: (She dials the number.) Hey Cal, it’s Kate. (Pause. Kate blushes at hearing his voice) I’m good, I’m
great. How are you? (Pause) Hey, um Abby said you were going to be around here around 7. Do you think
you’d be able to pick me up? (Pause) Great. I’m on the corner of 14th and River Street. (Pause) Oh, you are? Oh
ok, great you shouldn’t be too long then. (Pause) Ok, I’ll wait here. See ya. (She hangs up and hands the phone
back to Ash).
ASH: Boyfriend?
KATE: Uh, no. Ex. Ex fiancé actually.
ASH: Oh, I’m sorry.
KATE: It’s ok.
ASH: But you guys are still friends?
KATE: Well, not exactly. I mean we are friendly with each other, but we don’t really keep in touch. Our
families are close so I see him at major holidays and family gatherings.
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ASH: (He looks at her) You still love him.
KATE: (Pause in confirmation).
ASH: And he’s picking you up instead of your sister or brother?
KATE: My family’s all busy doing wedding stuff, so he was the only one who could come get me. My sister
said he had something to do here this morning so he was going to be around anyways.
ASH: At 7 in the morning? (Doubtingly)
KATE: Yup.
ASH: So he had to get up at like 5:30, the latest, to come get you?
KATE: Yup.
ASH: Yeah, (he smiles) he didn’t have anything else to do here.
KATE: Probably not.
ASH: So if you still love him, and he still loves you, why aren’t you together?
KATE: Because, I wasn’t enough for him.
ASH: Did he cheat on you?
KATE: No. We were engaged about five years ago. We were days away from the wedding, when he told me,
that he was having doubts. I wondered if maybe there was someone else, but he said, “Kate, I love you more
than I have ever loved anyone else in my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with you; but there’s
something in me that asks for more than what you can give. I don’t want another woman.”
ASH: He’s bi?
KATE: Apparently so.
ASH: Hm. Has he found someone else in these five years?
KATE: Not that I know of.
ASH: So he’s waiting for you.
KATE: What to be a man?
ASH: He’s bi not gay.
KATE: For what then?
ASH: Maybe you should stick a wad of strawberry bubble gum in your pubes.
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KATE: (He makes her laugh). Maybe I’ll let you do it, you seem to know what you’re doing down there.
ASH (Realizing she just jokingly, or not, invited him to go down on her) Really?
KATE: (Realizing what she said and being a little coy.) Maybe. What about you? Did you ever get over your
lady? The one with the bubble gum.
ASH: Oh, yeah, I mean we hadn’t really been dating that long. I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love. I
mean I’ve dated lots of people, some girls, some guys, but I guess in a way I’m kind of like your “Cal” is it?
(She nods) I guess I just never felt satisfied completely. I don’t know maybe I’m just weird. (He looks at her
again) It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you Kate. Great love is very difficult to find, and if you feel that way for
each other, fight for it. Don’t give up on it over the details. Work it out. There’s always a way. (Pause.) That’s
why I called Nana.
KATE: You did?!?!
ASH: Yup.
KATE: Ash, that’s great! How’d it go?
ASH: (He is very happy almost in tears) It went great! I missed her so much; it was so good to hear her voice! I
explained everything. I told her why I’d left and how I feel, and she listened patiently to everything I had to say.
Then, she told me how happy she was to hear from me, and I’m moving back as soon as I get back into L.A.
KATE: Oh my God Ash, I’m so happy for you!!! (They hug in enthusiasm and hold each other. They separate a
little slowly, and then kiss. They let go.)
ASH: Well, I guess I should go. Don’t want to miss my plane. (He caresses her face.) I can’t envy the position
he’s in, loving you but having to live without you. (He lets go of her face and starts to leave but turns around)
But, I do envy how much you love him. (He turns back around walks off SR. Kate watches him walk away. She
thinks for a few minutes, paces, wonders, puts her hands in her pockets and finds Ash’s card. She takes it out
looks at it. She’s thinking about something, when Cal shows up SL.)
CAL: Hey Kate (he is clearly happy to see her. He looks around.) Any bags? (Kate walks up to him and kisses
him, he is at first surprised but he loves her and he melts into it. They embrace. Blackout.)
Scene 6
Setting is Room 108, same as scene 2. Lights come up. Kate lies asleep half-naked, between sleeping-half-naked
Ash and sleeping-half-naked Cal. The hotel employee opens the door and looks in. He is happy.)
H.E.: You’re welcome. (He leaves closing the door. Blackout.)
THE END
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