Addressing Challenging Behaviors
Even though you might have a wonderful and meaningful relationship with your mentee,
there are times in any mentor match relationship when the mentor will need to address
challenging behaviors. This tip sheet will give you pointers on how to handle these behaviors. We
want to stress that these behaviors may not necessarily reflect you or your relationship with your
mentee. However, these tips are provided in case it does occur.
Ultimately, if you ever feel unsure about how to handle a behavioral situation with your
mentee, or if you have tried to address the issue but it has continued, please don’t hesitate to
get in contact with the Match Support staff here at PYD. We are here to help support you and to
make your relationship with your mentee as successful as it can possibly be. Here are some initial,
quick tips that you should remember when handling challenging behavior:
Behavior Management Tips
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Ignore unwanted behavior. Conversely, do not reinforce behavior that is unwanted. If your
mentee is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, don’t reward them a response.
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Provide structure. Youth succeed best with clear direction and routines
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Avoid power struggles at all cost. Once you enter a power struggle with a child, you’ve already
lost. We should be working alongside our mentees to help them with their issues, not
working against them.
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Pick your battles. Sometimes, it’s just not worthwhile to engage in something where there’s
going to be a conflict.
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Address behavior issues promptly and directly. Youth will forget if you don’t address something
in the moment.
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Provide explanations. Explain why we need to do or not do certain things. Just saying "No" is
not enough and may lead to defiance and power struggles.
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Provide choices / Use redirection. Sometimes, your mentee may get mentally stuck on
something that you have to say no to. Instead of just saying “No”, respect the efficacy of
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your mentee and give them additional choices. “We can’t do this, but we can do this or this
instead.”
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Provide opportunities for empowerment. Always be looking for opportunities for your mentee to
discover or realize their talents (hidden or otherwise).
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Use positive reinforcement. Use this liberally!
Praise Good Behavior
Giving attention to good behavior is the first step in avoiding challenging behavior in
youth. Positive feedback could remove the need to act out. We often skip over numerous positive
behaviors and moments of success that could be rewarded, recognized, and appreciated simply
because these behaviors are expected, while instead dwelling on negative behavior. This can
unintentionally reinforce the bad behavior, since you are giving them what they want: attention.
Misbehavior in youth, particularly youth with disabilities, is often caused by:

The inability to communicate needs properly

A desire for attention

The need to remove themselves from a situation that they do not think they can handle
Different ways to praise good behavior:

Model good listening and communication skills
o
Use empathic statements to help youth feel understood and encourage further
communication, such as: I’m happy that you told me you’re nervous about
riding the bus. Now I know how you feel and I can stay close to you in case you
need anything. What in particular makes you nervous about riding the bus?
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o
Say Thank you for listening, when your mentee remembers something minor that
you told him/her or responds to a long story with an engaging question or
comment.

Pay attention.
o
Youth, like everybody, need to be acknowledged, so they will find a way to get
your attention. Be sure that you give your mentee plenty of sincere praise for their
good behavior. If they do not receive attention for good behavior then children
and youth will try to receive attention different ways.

Positive Reinforcers: the consequence after a behavior (sometimes called “reward” or
“incentive”)
o
Reinforcers can be anything that serves to increase a behavior:

For example: edibles, toys, free time or break, stickers or points, activities
with others, social encouragement or praise, high fives, etc.
o
Each child has different temperaments and developmental styles and each child
will be motivated by something different. You can find out which type of praise
your mentee prefers by asking him/her to choose between a couple options as
reward after he/she has exhibited good behavior. Your mentee may strongly
prefer one option or be satisfied with the verbal praise already given.

o
Reinforcers are most effective if they are delivered immediately after the behavior
o
If the behavior doesn’t INCREASE in the future, you are not using a reinforce.
o
Reinforcers must be used CONTINGENTLY.
Clear explanation for praise
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o
Specify why you are smiling, happy, rewarding mentee, etc. Repeating why the
behavior is good will help your mentee fully understand the consequences of the
behavior and automatically associate it with positivity.

State how proud you are of your mentee and that he/she should be proud of him/herself.
o
Sometimes behavior praise can become too focused on compliance without
emphasizing why the actual behavior is important to the child. This factor is
important because it becomes a way to gain natural compliance. Your mentee
begins to feel proud of and understand the importance of his/her behavior, both
natural reinforcers.
o
A good example is: I’m so happy and proud that you remembered to bring your
sunscreen today! You should be proud of yourself for being responsible.
Anticipatory Prevention: Triggers
Youth with disabilities generally have specific “triggers” (words, images, sounds, etc.)
that signal disruption to their feelings of safety and security. These are specific to each child and
often come from past experiences, association with traumas, seeing fear in adults, etc. If adults
overlook these triggers, youth may escalate their behavior to a point where they completely lose
control. By knowing what triggers anxiety, anger, or another negative reaction, you can try to
reduce some triggers and plan ahead to handle a situation if triggered.
Gain knowledge of triggers by:
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Asking your mentee different variations of the following questions:
o
Sometimes I get nervous on tall bridges because I am scared of heights. Do you
get nervous in certain places too? Why do you think that makes you nervous?
o
When you feel anxious or angry, what do you do to make those feelings go away?
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
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o
I noticed the other week that you did not like walking on the busy sidewalk. How
did you feel then? Would you prefer to walk on a different sidewalk to avoid the
crowd?
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Asking your mentee’s parents different variations of the following questions:
o
Are there any places/things that I should not go/do with my mentee? Why not?
Does that situation make him/her uncomfortable?
o
Can you tell me about the last few times that my mentee acted out? What do you
think caused that behavior?
o
I want to do the best I can to avoid putting my mentee in a situation that makes
him/her uncomfortable. Can you tell me if there are any particular places or
situations that make him/her anxious?
o
When my mentee feels uncomfortable, angry, nervous, anxious, etc. what do you
do to make them feel better? Do you have any suggestions as to how I can help
them calm down?
o
Today my mentee told me that he/she does not like when people stare at him/her
because it makes him/her feel bad. Can we all talk about ways to avoid and handle
unwanted attention?
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If youth do misbehave, it is important to talk about what happened with them after. Ask
them how they felt during each stage of the behavior and why they felt that way. Take
note of the event and try to recognize if there was a specific trigger.
o
Be aware of pattern-like behavior that may have common triggers.
Once you have identified a trigger, it is important to structure meetings with your mentee to
avoid that particular trigger. For example:

Trigger: loud noises. Plan to meet in a quiet building or bring noise cancelling
headphones or earplugs in case your mentee wants to go outside.
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Trigger: unwanted attention. Meet in unpopulated places or make notecards with your

mentee that say a variation of “My name is __________ and I have a disability. It is called
__________. It makes me uncomfortable when strangers stare at me because they do not
understand. You can find out more about my disability at this website:__________” and
any other information that your mentee thinks is important
Responding to Challenging Behavior
Difficult behavior can be anything from a mentee tantrum to a sensitive topic of
conversation It is important in any difficult situation to remain calm and take measures to be sure
that your mentee is in an environment in which they are comfortable. Should a challenging
situation arise, try to follow these three steps:
Contain:
-
Remove the mentee from the environment or person triggering their challenging
behavior.
o
By doing this, you will remove one of the stressors provoking the outburst, and
will also show your mentee that you plan on giving them your full, undivided
attention.
-
Create an environment where the mentee feels more comfortably speaking openly with
you about what is wrong.
Discuss:
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Discuss what just happened with your mentee.
o
The incident could have been a larger outburst, or it could have been a smaller,
more internal struggle. Either way, both you and the mentee will benefit from a
clear discussion of what occurred.
-
Explore the mentee’s point of view—it is important to make no assumptions, and to
instead be a “Behavior Detective”!
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Plan:
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Encourage your mentee to create a plan for themselves.
o
“What will you do the next time you feel the same way?”
o
This is a great opportunity for you to teach new coping techniques to your
mentee.
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Make sure to practice your plan several times before heading back to any sort of
triggering environment!
Social Narrating
Social narrating is the act of talking youth through their behavior as seen from your
perspective. It helps explain to the youth why their behavior may not have been the best, by
helping them see their behavior from another person’s perspective. This allows youth to learn
and grow, but without accusing them or negatively commenting on their behavior.
Social Narrating does:
Social Narrating does not:

Avoid judgments

Accuse

Help keep communication open

Point a finger at the other person

Communicate information and respect

Place blame
for both people’s positions
Here are some helpful steps to guide these conversations:
1. Explain what you saw happen through your own eyes. “I turned around and saw you and
Johnny arguing. You two had seemed to be good friend, so I’m confused about what
happened.”
2. Ask the youth for their perspective. “What happened?” “What did you see?” “Is
there anything I missed?”
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3. Help youth connect their emotions with actions/causes. “Okay, so when Johnny took
your ball, you got angry. And when you got angry, you started yelling and calling Johnny
names.”
4. Help youth understand why their response was inappropriate. “How do you feel when
people call you names? Does it make you feel good or bad?”
5. Problem-solve together. “So it sounded like you really wanted the ball and got mad
when Johnny took it. What could you have done instead of calling him names? Let’s
make a plan so you know what to do next time you feel mad.”
Addressing Challenges with Parents of Mentees
Although you, the mentor, are ostensibly in the relationship to be a good role model for your
mentee, a very important part of the mentee’s life is their parents or guardians. Sometimes,
even when the parents of your mentee mean well, complications can arise.
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Set boundaries
o
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You are there to be a mentor to your mentee, not their parents
Make sure to let us know what is going on
o
If you have already tried to discuss the issue with the parents but had no success
(or even if you haven’t tried yet), feel free to come speak with us. We would be
more than happy to sit down with the parents
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Be patient; no matter what, the parents have their children’s best interests at heart.
While the parent’s particular disability might at time present challenges, they are trying
to be involved in their children’s lives.
We encourage you to reach out to your mentee’s parents. By forming a relationship with
them, you will be able to better serve the youth and will be able to speak directly to them about
any issues you might be having, instead of working through us. While we are more than happy to
help, it can sometimes help to cut out the middleman.
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Activity
What is a difficult situation you have been in with your mentee?
Why was the situation difficult? Did it make you or your mentee uncomfortable?
How did you handle it?
Would you do anything differently if you were confronted with the same situation again? If so,
what?
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Scenarios Activity
1. Your mentee is using inappropriate language. When youth are with their friends their
behavior is usually more relaxed and may include language/behavior that is not
appropriate for certain situations. How can you address this challenge?
2. Your mentee, Andrew is a 14-year-old boy with high-functioning Autism. After talking you
learn that Andrew loves swimming and the two of you decide to swim at the Boys and
Girls Club for your next activity. After having a great time together, the pool is about to
close and it is time to get out. Andrew gets upset and refuses to get out of the pool. What
are strategies that can be used in the moment for encouraging Andrew to get out? What
are some strategies you could implement in the future to avoid this situation?
3. Your mentee is very angry with a fellow student and mentions he/she is thinking about
responding violently. How do you address this issue?
4. Alyssa, your new mentee, is a fifteen-year-old girl with Asperger’s Syndrome. Some of
her interests include basketball, drawing and reading. Alyssa desires to have friends but is
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often too shy to engage in activities with her peers. The first few match activities you have
had together, the two of you have played basketball one-on-one. There always appear to
be other youth playing on the court, but Alyssa is reluctant to join them, despite that
making more friends is something she desires. What could you do to help Alyssa interact
with her peers?
5. Your mentee makes derogatory remarks about other people’s race and ethnicity. When
you ask him/her why he/she answers, “Because it is what my father says.” How do you
handle this?
6. Noah, a sixteen-year-old boy with Asperger’s syndrome is your new mentee. Noah loves
debate, so the two of you decide to join the debate team at the Boys & Girls Club. When
Noah is heated about a topic of debate his excitement leads him to get extremely close to
the person he is debating with. In a debate session at the B&GC Noah gets close to Mike
as he is arguing which causes Mike to get angry and say, “Dude what is your problem!
Get away from me.” What could you do to mitigate this situation, or avoid a similar
situation in the future?
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Tips for Special Populations: Handling Traumatic Events
All children benefit from concrete information presented at the proper level of
understanding and maturity. Helping all children to stop and think about their reactions and
behavior, especially with regard to anger and fear, is recommended and often necessary in order
for them to make “good choices.” For some students with behavioral disorders, training in
anger management, coping and conflict resolution skills are important additions to a
comprehensive intervention program. The following information addresses specific, additional
considerations for children with special needs.
Autism:
Children with autism pose very difficult challenges to caregivers. It is difficult to know
how much information a nonverbal child is absorbing from television and conversations. It is
important to pay close attention to the cues they may provide regarding their fears and feelings
and provide them with ways to communicate. Remember that any change in routine may result in
additional emotional or behavioral upset. If the child’s environment must be changed (e.g., an
evacuation, the absence of a parent), try to maintain as much of the normal routine (e.g., meals,
play, bedtime) as possible—even in the new environment. In addition, try to bring concrete
elements from the child’s more routine environment (e.g., a toy, blanket, doll, eating utensils)
into the new environment to maintain some degree of “sameness” or constancy.
Many students with autism can be helped to comprehend behavior they observe but
poorly understand through the use of “social stories.” The parent or mentor’s explanation of
what is happening can be reduced to a social story. A storybook can be kept by the child to help
reinforce the information on a concrete, basic level. For further information on the use of social
stories visit the website http://members.spree.com/autism/socialstories.htm.
Verbal children with autism may state a phrase repeatedly, such as, “we are all going to
die.” This type of statement will serve to isolate the child socially from his peers and other
adults. To help the child avoid such statements, it will be necessary to provide very concrete
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information about the situation and appropriate ways to react and respond that are within the
child’s skill level.
Cognitive Limitations:
Children with developmental or cognitive impairments may not understand events or
their own reactions to events and images. Mentors and caregivers need to determine the extent
to which the child understands and relates to the traumatic event. Some lower functioning
children will not be able to understand enough about the event to experience any stress, while
some higher functioning children with cognitive impairments may understand the event but
respond to it like a younger child without disabilities.
Overall, children with cognitive limitations may respond to traumatic events based more
on their observations of adult and peer emotions rather than the verbal explanations that they
may receive. Discussions with them need to be specific, concrete and basic; it may be necessary
to use pictures in explaining events and images. These children will need concrete information to
help them understand that images of suffering and destruction are in the past, far away (if true)
and that they are not going to hurt them. A mentor may offer words of reassurance such as,
“We are lucky to have the Red Cross in our community to help all the families who were hurt by
the flood;” “The boys who brought the guns to school are in jail, they can’t hurt anyone else
now.”
Learning Disabilities:
Students with learning disabilities (LD) may or may not need supports that are different
from students without disabilities, depending upon their level of emotional maturity and ability
to understand the concepts discussed. Many youth with LD are able to process language and
apply abstract concepts without difficulty, while others have specific deficits in these skills. In
particular, some students with LD interpret very literally; therefore mentors need to choose their
words carefully to insure the child will not misinterpret. For example, even referring to terrorism
as “acts of war” may confuse some children who interpret language literally; they may envision
foreign soldiers, tanks and fighter planes attacking America.
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If your mentee appears to have difficulty following the news reports and of the traumatic
events and their aftermath, reinforce verbal explanations with visual materials; use concrete terms
in discussion; check for understanding of key vocabulary. Remember that some youth with LD
have difficulty with time and space concepts, and may be confused by what they see on
television-- they may have difficulty understanding what happened when, what is likely to
happen next, etc. They may also be uncertain as to where these events took place and might
benefit from looking at simple maps.
Some students with LD have difficulties with social skills and self-management, and may
need additional instruction in anger control, tolerance of individual differences and selfmonitoring. Additionally, some of the tips listed for children with cognitive impairments may be
applicable to some students with LD who, despite their higher cognitive ability, have similar
difficulties with verbal learning, memory and communication.
Visual, Hearing or Physical Limitations:
Children who do not possess developmental or cognitive impairments but who are visually
impaired, hearing impaired or physically challenged will understand, at their level of
development, what is happening and may become frightened by the limitations their disability
poses on them. In your explanations, be honest but reassuring. Safety and mobility are major
concerns for students challenged by visual, hearing and physical impairments. As with all
children, they need to know that they are going to be safe and that they can find a safe place in
an emergency. Review safety plans and measures with them, provide lots of reassurance, and
practice with them, if necessary. When explaining plans that may take them into unfamiliar
territory, provide very simple and explicit explanations. Youth with visual impairments will need
to have the area carefully described to them, while the students challenged by physical or
hearing impairments may need visual aids as to what they have to do and where they have to go.
•
Vision-impaired: The child with a visual impairment cannot pick up on visual cues such as
facial expressions. Use verbal cues to reinforce what you are feeling and seeing. Many
children have seen video clips of the disaster or traumatic event and are talking about
them. The vision-impaired child may need a verbal description to reinforce what they
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have heard about the events. Ask questions to clarify their understanding of what has
happened. Children with visual impairments may have extraordinary concerns about their
mobility and ability to move to safety during a crisis. Ask questions and give additional
orientation and mobility training if needed.
•
Hearing Impaired: Children who are hearing impaired will generally not be able to keep up
with the fast-talking of adults during traumatic events. Caregivers will need to be aware
of the child’s frustration when trying to keep up with the conversation, if the child has
sufficient hearing to participate. Children who are unable to hear or lip-read will need
interpretation. Not being able to understand will result in greater fear reactions. Children
who are hearing impaired may not be familiar with all the new terminology used in
describing or explaining the events that are occurring. Be aware of the language you use,
be very concrete and check for understanding. Use visual materials in conjunction with
any verbal or signed explanations.
•
For total communication students it is important to have a signer near them. They need to
know that someone will be there for them. For oral communicators distance may be an
issue as they may experience difficulty with lip reading. Darkness such as blackouts or
disaster drills in areas with poor lighting, presents problems for total and oral
communicators. In helping them understand that they are safe, that you are going to
keep them safe, be sure and show them a flashlight and let them know where they are
going to be kept and that they are a part of the safety plan and available for them in
darkness.
Severe Emotional Disturbance/Behavior Disorder:
Youth who have serious emotional and behavioral problems are at high risk for severe
stress reactions following a crisis. Typically these children have limited coping skills with which to
handle “normal” daily stress; they are likely to be overwhelmed by unexpected and traumatic
events such as a terrorist attack or the loss of family member. Those who suffer from depression
and anxiety disorders are likely to exhibit exaggerated symptoms-- greater withdrawal,
heightened agitation, increased feelings of worthlessness and despair, increase in nervous
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behaviors such as thumb sucking, nail biting, pacing, etc. Children with a history of suicidal
thinking or behavior are especially prone to increased feelings of hopelessness and need to come
to the attention of school personnel following any serious event likely to trigger these feelings.
Additional information on preventing suicide in troubled children and youth may be found on
the NASP website (www.nasponline.org).
Those children who experience conduct problems, noncompliance and aggression are
also likely to exhibit more extreme versions of problem behaviors—higher levels of disruptive
and oppositional behaviors, more frequent or more severe acts of aggression, etc. These students
thrive on the consistent, predictable routines that are difficult to maintain in an emergency or
crisis situation.
“Coping with Crisis: Helping Children with Special Needs”. NASPOnline. National Association
of School Psychologists, 2002. Web.
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