Good, Loving Relationships 1
Good, Loving Relationships
Interpersonal Communication I
Meaghan Simpson
Rowan University
Good, Loving Relationships 2
Felice Leonardo “Leo” Buscaglia Ph.D., was a very diverse man. “Dr. Love”, a nickname
of his, was a motivational speaker, author, and a professor at the University of Southern
California in the Department of Special Education. He was born on March 31, 1924 and passed
away on June 12, 1998. His outlook on life was drastically changed when a student of his
committed suicide. He realized that he was just pushing facts onto his students and not focusing
on their full human potential. He wanted us to know that we are all capable of loving, but it takes
patience and practice. In order to create good, loving relationships we need to put effort into
them. If we do not work on our personal relationships they will wither away like an uncared for
flower. Buscaglia believed that society had negative attitudes towards compassion and love,
therefore creating a detached mindset. According to Buscaglia, “Love is life…and if you miss
love, you miss life.” Dr. Love believed that good, loving relationships are learned through
models and reinforcement. We learn from one another by observation and we form our own
opinion about how a behavior should be performed. This interpersonal communication concept
emphasizes that people grow as a result of good relationships. These relationships are not easy.
They require skill, commitment, and sharing of both joy and sorrow. Good, loving relationships
contain four qualities: communication, affection, compassion and forgiveness, and honesty.
Within these relationships you must clearly state how you are currently feeling, say what you
mean, and be prepared to listen. You must not be afraid to accept another person’s statement of
love and you must also say “I love you” in return. After exchanging these statements of love it is
also important to do something to show it. Compassion and forgiveness are important within
these relationships because you need to have the ability to forgive others as well as yourself, and
remaining honest keeps relationships intact. Buscaglia measured positive relationships through
intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. If you grow in these three regions you are in a
Good, Loving Relationships 3
beneficial relationship, but if you do not grow the relationship should be reevaluated.
Relationships are meant to be special, but we also need to remain realistic and practical. Every
moment of the relationship should not be romanticized. Pain will occur and expectations will not
be met when they are set at unrealistic levels. These interrelations require flexibility, prolonged
commitment, and the ability to show love. It is important that we learn from our mistakes and
live in the moment rather than fantasizing about an unrealistic relationship. For example, you
could spend years daydreaming about “the one” instead of actually going out into society and
finding a compatible match. Overall, Buscaglia believes that relationships require attention and
proper care, “Relationships never offer a guarantee and they always require work, therefore, they
don’t work for people who aren’t willing to work without a guarantee.” I agree with Buscaglia’s
view on good, loving relationships. I believe that we learn how to act through observing models
set before us, and that these relationships require work if they are going to flourish.
I am going to explain in more depth various articles that are relevant to Leo Buscaglia’s
concept of the good, loving relationship. All of the sources deal with relationships from different
points of view, but also have similar stances on the concept. In The Interpersonal
Communication book, published by Pearson, various interpersonal relationships are explored
such as friendship, love, family, and workplace relationships. Each of these relationships is
broken down into further detail and how they relate to interpersonal communication.
PsychCentral published an article titled, “Are You In A Healthy Relationship?” that discussed
the topic of true love and the contents of healthy relationships. “The Four Corners of a Healthy
Relationship” is an article published by Psychology Today, and it states that true fulfillment
comes from building the life you have always dreamed of living. An article published by the Life
Good, Loving Relationships 4
Optimizer: personal growth and effectiveness titled, “7 Characteristics of Good Relationships”
states that relationships are the key to living a full life.
The Interpersonal Communication Book states that friendship is a two person relationship
that is mutually productive. There are three types of friendship that include reciprocity,
receptivity, and association. Reciprocity involves characteristics such as mutual affection,
generosity, self-sacrifice, and loyalty. Receptivity includes an agreeable and positive imbalance
in receiving and giving of rewards as well as the satisfaction of the exchange felt by each person.
Association is not a true, deep friendship. It is a friendly acquaintance. The relationship of
friendship gives to us an array of needs and values that include security, ego-support,
affirmation, and stimulation. Love is classified as a relationship that involves feelings of passion,
caring, intimacy, and commitment. There are six specific types of love. Eros love focuses on
sexuality and beauty. Ludus love is seen as exciting and game-like. Storge love involves a focus
on companionship and is slow-moving and relaxing. Mania love is characterized by depression
and obsessive qualities. Finally, Agape love is compassionate and self-giving. In a loving
relationship there are verbal and nonverbal forms of communication. As the love and intimacy
within a loving relationship increases speech begins to be more personalized, eye contact
increases, and there is more touching within the relationship. Familial relationships are much
defined, “Members realize that each person has certain responsibilities to the relationship.”
(Devito, 2012.) Family members share a past, future, living quarters, and adhere to their own set
of norms, “The relationship is rule governed, rather than random or unpredictable.” (Devito,
2012.) Family types consist of traditionals, who see two people blending as one in a relationship,
Independents who believe in remaining as an individual, and Separates who view relationships as
convenient rather than loving relationships with true connections. Communication within
Good, Loving Relationships 5
families is broken down into equality, communication and decision-making is equal, balanced
split, each member has responsibility for different but equal areas, unbalanced split, one person
has more authority than another, and a monopoly, one person dominates everything.
Communication within the workplace takes place within three different relationships: romantic,
networking, and mentoring. Specifically within this source the types of love have a connection to
Buscaglia’s concept of good, loving relationships. Buscaglia believed that within relationships
there were four main qualities of communication, affection, compassion and forgiveness, and
honesty. The Interpersonal Communication Book states that verbal and nonverbal
communication mirrors the intimacy within a relationship. When the intimacy in a relationship is
increased one will be able to say more what they desire in a clear manor. Also, if intimacy is
increased touch will also increase, which Buscaglia also emphasizes within his concept. Agape
love is described as, “compassionate and selfless, characterized as self-giving and altruistic.”
(Devito, 2012.) This ties in with Buscaglia because he believed we should show compassion and
forgiveness not only to ourselves but to others. According to Buscaglia, a good relationship is
measured by intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. The Interpersonal Communication
Book explains that, “Friendships serve a variety of needs and gives us a variety of values, among
which are values of utility, affirmation, ego-support, stimulation, and security.” (Devito, 2012.).
These needs can be associated with the measures Buscaglia believed in for a relationship to
flourish. If one is stimulated and feels safe in a relationship it will continue to thrive and grow.
There are many people that do not understand what a healthy relationship is made up of, but they
do recognize negative relationships. Healthy relationships were discussed in an article published
by PsychCentral and written by Susan J. Elliot. Overall, this article can be summed up by the
following quote about healthy relationships, “There are many long and complicated answers to
Good, Loving Relationships 6
this, but there is also a simple one: healthy relationships make your life larger and happier;
unhealthy relationships narrow your life and make you crazy.” This correlates well with the
concept of good, loving relationships. Buscaglia emphasized the importance of relationships
providing growth for those involved and this article states that healthy relationships ultimately
enhance our lives. If we are involved in a positive relationship growth will occur individually
and as a pair. This article also discusses the importance of not placing ridiculous expectations on
one’s partner which relates back to Buscaglia and learning to have a good relationship by being
realistic. People in a relationship should complement one another, not complete one another. If
there is an unhealthy attachment to a person within a relationship it will most likely fail, but if
there is flexibility within a relationship it will leave room to grow. “The Four Corners of a
Loving Relationship” by Barton Goldsmith, P.h.D., discusses four different aspects of love that
should create and ensure a solid relationship. First, love, is not only exchanging the words “I
love you,” but also showing this love through actions, which connects well to Buscaglia’s
concept. After words of love are exchanged one must be able to prove this love through action.
For example, an action of love may be making a significant other’s favorite meal a spur of the
moment gesture. Second, intimacy is truly getting to know one’s partner not only through sex,
but also intellectually. This can relate to the communication quality of good, loving relationships.
It is important to listen to what one’s partner has to say and contribute to the conversation as a
way of getting to know them more personally. Third, romance is a cornerstone of loving
relationships. The article states that it should be kept alive throughout life, “The key is that
seemingly little things can make an astonishingly big difference.” (Goldsmith, 2010.) Buscaglia
would agree with this statement because one should be realistic within a relationship and not
over romanticize it. Small gestures such as a simple cup of coffee in the morning, is a good
Good, Loving Relationships 7
example of a small gesture that could keep the romance alive within a loving relationship. Sex is
the final cornerstone of a healthy relationship, but not just the act itself. Communicating about
sex is often the most difficult part of a relationship and this article discusses the importance of
talking about sex. This cornerstone can also relate back to Buscaglia’s quality of communication
within a relationship. People involved in an intimate relationship must feel comfortable
discussing and listening to one another about issues such as sex. If there is proper
communication it will be easy to build a relationship where each member is happy. In an article
titled, “7 Characteristics of a Good Relationship,” posted by Donald Latumahina, the necessity of
relationships is discussed. Latumahina believes that relationships should be a top priority in life
and there are certain characteristics they should portray. These characteristics are as follows: see
the relationship as an opportunity to give, be willing to change, be willing to admit your
mistakes, listen first, support your partner, be open to your partner, and have integrity. All of
these characteristics could also be used within the good, loving relationships concept. For
example, being able to see the relationship as an opportunity to give correlates with the quality of
affection, and showing one’s love, rather than just saying it. Actions speak louder than words.
Listening first is also a direct connection to the communication quality which directly states
listening as a key component of a good, loving relationship. Finally, possessing integrity is
another direct connection to Buscaglia’s concept within the quality of honesty. If one is able to
consistently maintain their character and remain honest the relationship will be maintained.
The concept of good, loving relationships in interpersonal communication is indeed a
useful one. Buscaglia teaches that these relationships are important because they cause us to
grow as individuals as well as in various partnerships/relationships. He explained relationships in
a more defined, realistic point of view. They are not always going to be easy and require work if
Good, Loving Relationships 8
it is to continue. Many people believe relationships should be like something out of a movie, but
Buscaglia urges us not to romanticize the entire relationship. There will be occasional times of
movie-like romance, but it should not be expected daily. This concept can teach us how to be in a
positive relationship, and it can also help us discover if any of our present relationships are truy
healthy. For example, if we review the components and qualities of good, loving relationships
that Buscaglia states and our relationships possess most of these qualities, we can assume we are
in a healthy relationship. If one’s relationship is not providing any room for growth and
possesses few of these qualities there may be a need to reflect on the future of the relationship.
In conclusion Leo Buscaglia’s concept of good, loving relationships provides information
essential to maintaining one’s relationships. He explains what a good, loving relationship is, the
qualities it should possess, how we should grow within these relationships, and how we can learn
to have a good relationship. This concept can be used within different type of relationships such
as: romantic, familial, friendship, and workplace relationships. Ultimately, Buscaglia believed
that we define what a good relationship means to ourselves. If we use his utilize his concept
properly, and are happy with the results, a good, loving relationship will be created and
maintained.
Good, Loving Relationships 9
References
Devito, J. (n.d.). Interpersonal Relationships. The Interpersonal Communication Book. Retrieved
April 3, 2013, from
wps.ablongman.com/ab_devito_intrprsnl_10/9/2357/603544.cw/index.html
Elliot, S. (n.d.). Are You In A Healthy Relationship? | World of Psychology. Psych Central Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD and psychology information ..
Retrieved April 29, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/27/areyou-in-a-healthy-relationship/
P.h.D. in Emotional Fitness, B. G. (2010, December 8). The Four Corners of a Loving
Relationship | Psychology Today. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a
Therapist. Retrieved April 29, 2013, from
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201012/the-four-cornersloving-relationship
Latumahina, D. (n.d.). Good Relationships: 7 Characteristics. Personal Growth and Effectiveness
at Life Optimizer. Retrieved April 29, 2013, from
http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/08/25/good-relationships/