REVISITING PERSONAL GROWTH
NLC 2013
Introduction
Two things are necessary for lasting personal growth:

A change in our faulty beliefs and subsequent thinking

A change in our negative behaviour
A.
DEALING WITH UNHELPFUL THINKING
“No longer live…in the futility of (your) thinking…
put off your old self… be made new in the attitude of
your minds; and…put on the new self.” (Eph. 4:17-32)
The Problem with Thinking!

stream of consciousness

affects our feelings and behaviour

An example – 2 responses

What has made the difference?

ABC theory (Ellis)
Activating event + Belief = Consequences
So our interpretation of the event, governed by our internal beliefs, causes
different outcomes in our behaviour.

Left unchallenged, long term unhelpful thinking can lead to depression and
other problems. Therefore, trying to get a handle on our thought life is
important for our mental health.
“..be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Ro.12:2)
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up
against the knowledge of God, and we take captive
every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor.10:5)
Unhelpful Thinking Styles
Exercise:
 On the chart on page 4, tick those unhelpful thinking styles that are
sometimes true of you.

Which of these thinking styles would trouble you when:
1.
You take a day off work to receive a delivery, but it doesn’t arrive.
2
2.
You are travelling to an important meeting and are stuck in traffic.
You can see the building you need to get to in the distance.
3.
You are at a supermarket checkout and hear someone ‘tut’ behind
you as you pack your bags.
N.B. Most of us experience unhelpful thinking styles from time to time – that is
normal. But if depressed or anxious, they become more dominant, and helpful
thoughts are crowded out. The problem is worsened by:
 ruminating
 avoidance.
How Do We Combat Negative Thinking?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my
anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23,24)
“whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.” (Phil 4:8)
1. Become a ‘Thought Lawyer’
a. Learn to take notice when your mood alters
i.
What happened? What were you doing? Where were you?
Who were you with?
b. Identify the thought that has triggered the mood change.
i.
What is going through your mind?
ii.
What unhelpful thinking style occurred?
c. Question the evidence for your current thought e.g.:
Lulu Williams
i.
Is there anything to make me think the thought is incorrect?
ii.
Are there other ways of explaining the situation that are
more accurate?
iii.
If I wasn’t feeling like this, would I believe this thought?
iv.
Do I expect higher standards of myself than of others?
v.
What would I tell a friend in the same situation, about their
thought?
vi.
What would other people say about this thought? Does this
change my perspective?
vii.
What would I say about this, looking back 6 months from
now?
Jan 2013
NLC
3
2. Come to a balanced conclusion
a. Try to be honest with yourself.
b. Make sure it’s one you can believe!
3. Make a plan to put your balanced conclusion into practice:
a. Decide to believe your conclusion is true, and reinforce it by acting
on it e.g. ask for someone else’s opinion.
b. Don’t be pushed around by your negative thought. Choose not to
keep turning it over in your mind.
c. Undermine your negative thought by acting against it e.g.
i.
If you think “I can’t go to the meeting, I won’t enjoy it” – go to
the meeting anyway.
ii.
If you think “Nobody is interested in talking to me” – choose
to initiate a conversation with someone.
iii.
If you think “I can’t cope, I need a drink” – go out for a walk
instead.
Tips:
 Examine your thoughts as soon as possible after your mood alters.
 Note the change in the strength of your belief and subsequent feelings as a
result
 Identifying and understanding your extreme thoughts are the first step
towards change.
 In some cases, just stopping to think and reflect may even be enough to
make a big difference to your life.
 Practise as often as you can.
 “That’s just another of those thoughts” – downplay it.
 Turn worry into prayer.
 Put boundaries around your worry. “If you have to worry, either worry for less
than 5 minutes, or worry in a focussed way for more than 15 minutes.” (Arch
Hart)
 Meditate on scripture, and ask God to renew your mind.
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC
4
Summary of the unhelpful thinking styles
Unhelpful thinking Some typical thoughts
style
Bias against myself.
I’m very self-critical.
I overlook my strengths.
I downplay my achievements.
I see myself as not coping.
I focus on our failure as Christians, and as people.
Putting a negative
slant on things
(Negative mental
filter).
I see things through dark tinted glasses.
I see the glass as half empty rather than half full.
Whatever I’ve done in the week, it’s never enough to
give me a sense of achievement.
I tend to focus on the bad side in situations.
I remember sins/things done/not done, that are
regretted, even when repented
Having a gloomy
view of the future.
(Make negative
predictions)
I think that things will stay bad, or get even worse
If one thing goes wrong, I often predict that everything
will go wrong.
I’m always looking for the next thing to fail.
I am unable to trust God re: the future
Jump to the worst
conclusion
(Catastrophising).
I tend to predict that the very worst outcome will
happen.
I often think that I will fail badly.
I overlook the potential for God’s help/resources/power
– I see myself as on my own and unable to cope.
Negative view about
how others see me
(Mind-reading).
I mind-read what others think of me.
I often think that others don’t like me, or think badly of
me, without evidence.
I overlook God’s love for me and the support of the
Church.
Bearing all
responsibility.
I think I should take the blame if things go wrong.
I feel guilty about things that are not really my fault.
I feel responsible for whether everyone else has a good
time.
I take things personally/ to heart.
Making extreme
statements/rules.
I use the words “always”, “never” a lot.
If one bad thing happens to me I often say “just typical”
because it seems it always happens.
I make a lot of “must”, “should” “ought” or “got to”
statements to myself.
Tick if you
have noticed
this thinking
style recently
Resources: Living Life to the Full
Chris Williams www.livinglifetothefull.com
www.mindandsoul.info
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC
5
B.
CHANGING UNHELPFUL BEHAVIOUR
1.
Responding Maturely
Parent
Child
Adult
Basic
Characteristics
Operates from laws and
rules learned in the past.
Needs to be in control of
every situation.
Controlled by, and reacts
according to, feelings.
Chooses... is decisive,
rational. Controlled by a
desire to please God.
Communication
Speaks with an attitude of
superiority. “You should,
you ought, you’re bad.”
Conversation controlled
by emotions. Reacts to
communication rather
than responds.
Takes responsibility for own
thoughts, feelings and
behaviour. ‘I’ statements.
Self-disclosure.
Shallow communication,
poor listener
Shallow communication,
poor listener
Deep communication, good
listener
Aggressive or passive.
Passive or aggressive.
Assertive
Decision
Making
Relies on rules
(‘shoulds’). Chooses for
others.
Lets others take
responsibility. Impulsive.
Blames others when
wrong decision is made.
Can make decisions and
take responsibility. Makes
plans, but can be
spontaneous.
Having Needs
Met
Controls the situations so
that needs are met.
Sees others responsible
to meet needs. Can be
manipulative.
States needs and takes
responsibility.
Handles
Conflicts or
Problems
I win .. you lose.
Right/wrong according to
rules. Attacks person
rather than problem.
Avoids issue.. responds in
fear of losing. May say “I
don’t count” “You don’t
love me” (manipulation).
Discovers why conflict or
issue exists. Possible
resolutions. Attacks
problem rather then person.
Emotions
Over-controlled.
Suppressed. Feelings bad, wrong
Out of control.
Overwhelmed.
Ability to share feelings
without hurting self or
others.
View of
Submission
May follow perception of
submission but hate it.
Usually fight to dominate
Submits by coercion out
of insecurity and fear
(doormat)
A decision to put another
ahead of self. Choice.
Relationships
Parent relating down to
child. Superior/inferior.
Controlling.
Child responding or
reacting to parent.
Inferior/superior.
People with equal dignity
and worth choosing to give
and receive. Intimate
relationship possible.
Ministry
Needs role or position for
power and authority.
Relies on formula & rules.
Up and down... ”If I don’t
feel good I won’t minister.”
Hears from God. Makes
decisions even when fear is
strong.
Takes over the lives of
others. Superior/inferior.
Wants ‘magic’. Reluctant
to work at taking
responsibility.
Accepts person uniquely,
reflects reality. Responsible
to person, but not for
person.
Happiness
Comes when I have
everything perfectly in
order. Everything and
everyone under control.
Comes when everything
feels good, everyone likes
me and is taking care of
me.
Knows that happiness and
success are not determined
by outside forces, but come
from within.
Relationship
with God
Relationship based on
rules, how-to’s, trying.
Relationship depends
totally on feelings.
Understands what God is
like and lives in the truth of
the Father/child intimate
relationship. Both relational
and emotional.
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC
6
a. Identify which style (parent, child, adult) best describes your most
common response (N.B. we all have a mix, and fluctuate between the
styles).
b. There are good and negative aspects to each of these 3 styles of
behaviour:
Parent
Positive: stores in memory past training. Edits out what is no longer
needed or believed.
Negative: lives under tyranny of ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’. Tendency to
law and perfectionism.
Child
Positive: in touch with feelings, spontaneous, fun.
Negative – feelings rule my life. If I feel it, it must be true.
Adult
Positive: Edits what is no longer helpful or relevant. Makes rational
decisions, can have fun, push through fear etc.
c. This is not a label for life! As we mature we can enjoy the positive
aspects of all three.
2.
Exercising Self-Control
“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.” (Gal. 5:22-23)
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of
power, of love and of self-discipline.” (2 Tim. 1:7)
a. Self-control is essential to growth and healing. It is choosing to live life
and not to be controlled or overwhelmed by it. It is a fruit of the Spirit.
b. It involves:
 taking responsibility for how I think, feel, behave; my decisions and
their consequences

speaking truthfully, but in love

making a decision to change and grow

accepting feelings, without letting them control me

choosing to love, even when I don’t want to (Gal. 5:13-14)

submitting to others

forgiving and receiving forgiveness

taking counsel and advice
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC
7

allowing myself to fail

being wholehearted, straightforward and sincere

in general, not allowing outside circumstances or people to dictate
my self-image, behaviour, value or happiness.
c. Self-control is not:
 self-centredness;

being independent and isolationist;

telling others they don’t control me any longer

a defence to protect us from getting hurt.
d. Self-control is developed through:
 continually being filled with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18-20)
3.

obedience, repentance, giving and receiving forgiveness

learning to love and respect ourselves (1 Cor. 6:20; Jas. 2:8)

inward change

taking the risk of sharing who I really am with others.
Using Self-Talk
a. Self-talk is both my private thoughts and my public speech. These,
together, reveal my belief system. We can speak at 150-200 w.p.m., but
can think at 1,300 w.p.m! The things we say to ourselves affect our
behaviour. By challenging our wrong thoughts and speaking the truth to
ourselves, we can see a change in our negative behaviour.
b. Invite God’s help, identify unhelpful/irrational thinking (p.4), make
positive self-talk a habit.
c. Examples:

“I can’t do this, it’s too hard”. Update: “I don’t like doing this; but if I
tackle it a bit at a time, I think I can do it”.

“I’m always late”. Update: “I have a habit of being late, but if I
organize myself better, I can be on time and that will be more
respectful to others.”

“There’s no way I’m going to ask a question now and look stupid.”
Update: “It’s alright not to know the answer or make a mistake. I’m
human after all, and it might help others who also feel like I do.”

“I’m a failure and no good.” Update: “The relationship failed and I
feel abandoned and worthless right now. But I am deeply loved by
God and he will never leave me or reject me. Therefore, I am not
alone and I do have value.”
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC
8
4.
The Importance of Assertiveness
a. Assertiveness is:
 Actively pursuing self-control and self-responsibility

Doing what I think is most appropriate in any given situation, and
taking responsibility for the consequences

Speaking the truth in love, receiving the truth in love and living the
truth through my behaviour

Having the confidence in both God and myself to say and do
whatever is right and necessary, but always in love
b. Jesus’ example:
 He did what was right even when unpopular (Jn.13:1-17; Jn.4;
Mk.11:15-17

He was not controlled by the expectations of others (Lk.4:42-44;
Mk.3:31-35; Jn.11:1-6)

He paid attention to his own needs (Mt.14:22-23; Jn.4:6,8)
c. Non-assertiveness;
 Often is an attempt to avoid conflict

How was conflict handled in your family?

What verbal and non-verbal messages did I receive from them?

How do I deal with conflict now?

How did I learn to get what I wanted/needed without asking for it
directly?

Which of these ways do I still tend to use to get what I need or want?
d. Good communication does not often come naturally – but it is a skill
which can be learned. Some tips:
 Value both yourself and the person with whom you are talking

Listen carefully, reflect back occasionally

Use “I” statements, telling others how you think and feel, without
blaming

Be positive and encouraging

Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’

Be prepared to appropriately disclose information about yourself

In conflict, stick to the issues, avoid personal attacks

It criticized, decide not to defend, try to see the issue, agree with any
truth

Be alert to your feelings, but don’t let them control you

Ask God for his help to act with the fruit of the Spirit
Lulu Williams
Jan 2013
NLC