99 Uses for onions
1. VOULEZ-VOUS ACHETE LES OGNIONS? Make an angry Frenchman costume, of
course!
2. STEW them in a slow cooker with plenty of garlic, some bisto, and apples. Yes,
apples. Serve with mash.
3. Juggle with them
4. T*t-f**k them. Yay, B-cups!
5. Peel the skin off. Layer by layer. Imagine it is an enemy. And their skin.
6. Buy some yeast and sugar, and distil your own onion liquor.
7. Place in flatmate’s underwear draw. Watch, amused, as their relationship breaks
down.
8. Throw at pidgeons. Take photos.
9. Get string. Play an EXTREME version of conkers.
10. Peel them, soak them overnight in isotonic sports drink, and stick your ipod charger in
them once dried (yes, it works!)
11. Christmas baubles!
12. Carry as a weapon- no-one will mug you with the “onion-in-the-eye” deterrent!
13. Use as part of a ironic post-modernistic drama production, and evoke sympathy for
the onions and their lonely, layered existence
14. Rub around a toilet bowl to rid toilet of pee-smell
15. Carve a stamp out of it, or your initials. Dip in paint and mark everything you see.
16. Chew liberally raw to repel stalkers and insects from the mouth area
17. PAPERWEIGHTS
18. Juice, pour on slugs as desired
19. Take 3 onions and a long sharp stick, make a head thorax and abdomen, paint green
and you have a toy caterpillar!
20. Catch
21. Rounders
22. Football
23. Cut in half. Hats for kittens! NOTE: careful of claws if you decide to carry this out.
24. Give to a lover. See poem by carol ann duffy.
25. Experiment photographically with shadow, light etc. onions are not fidgety subjects.
26. Cut up very very thinly, deep fry, dry out, melt some cheese on top. HOME MADE
CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS!
27. Ladies: drag up, put a couple of onions in the crotch, and strut around like a man for a
while.
28. Extra-large love eggs! Can you handle them?
29. Purchase googley eyes. Proceed to characterize your onions, make a puppet show out
of them. Film, put on youtube.
30. Roast whole. Coat in melty chocolate. Set in fridge. Persuade a drunk friend it is a
delicious chocolatey treat for them.
31. Ditto toffee apple.
32. Hollow out, carve face in. perfect spooky tea light holders!
33. Ferment, feed to squirrels. Observe, camera at the ready.
34. Plant it. Grow an onion bush!
35. Chop thinly, dry out, use instead of post it notes to write on.
36. Leave on public transport as gifts to your fellow commuters. Permanent marker would
be fun at this point.
37. Organise an Olympic tournament with your friends. Paint three onions: gold, silver,
bronze. Use as prizes.
38. Use them to brown paper.
39. Flash fry with sunflower oil for 2-3 minutes, turn the heat down, melt some butter and
brown sugar, caramalide for a further 6-7 minutes or until soggy. Serve with cheese
and crusty bread.
40. Yuck, crusty. Speaking of, BUTT PLUG
41. Tired of licking envelopes? Use onion juice instead to seal the little bastards.
42. When it’s snowing, use it as a “foundation” to start a snowman. Lettie says this
works.
43. Ditto rubber bands.
44. One man one onion?
45. BLOKES: borrow a bra. Find onions reasonably the same size, instant cleavage!
46. Cover in wax, burn the root as a wick.
47. Put them on hooks and use them as ear stretchers.
48. Fishing bait
49. STRESS BALL
50. Take one onion (large is best), implant lightbulb and battery to power lightbulb, stand
perfectly still on the south bank and earn you fortune.
51. Go to the nearest bar, pretend to be French, attempt to pay in onions.
52. Throw at a fire alarm in workplace/uni. Chaos.
53. Eat many onions. Fart.
54. CAR ARIAL BALL!
55. Pincushion.
56. Sneak into flatmate’s room while they are sleeping. “redecorate”, making sure you put
plenty in their bed.
57. Batter. Deep fry. Eat when drunk.
58. Very carefully make small hole in onion, inject catnip. Seal as best you can. Give to
cat. Observe frustrated effect.
59. Insert small piece of metal in middle. Put whole in microwave. Time how long till
explosion.
60. Compost them down to make extra nutritional plant food.
61. Use in massage. Don’t tell the patient what they are, and prepare for their amazement
62. Fill a sack with onions. Use to prop stubborn doors open.
63. Wrap in a sock, hide in the back of the airing cupboard. Watch the infuriation of
flatmates unfold over next few weeks 
64. Put in microwave for a minute. Use as handwarmer!
65. Toothbrush holder. No f****r is going to use your toothbrush when it’s sticking out
of an onion.
66. Christingle. F*** those oranges, we have onions!
67. Use as lifting weights. Heavier onions are useful as you progress
68. Take your onions on a trip to the seaside. They can go for a swim, garnish
sandcastles, and scare small children away from your spot!
69. Make a model of the moon out of them. Wear it as a mask. You will have a moon
face!
70. T**ticle guards.
71. Use them to roll pastry out in absence of rolling pin (then use them in the pie
afterwards!)
72. Boules (like the French game). Paint may be required.
73. HAMMER (for soft things)
74. Put in a sock, throw it. Dog toy!
75. Put in Christmas stockings for naughty children. Cheaper than coal!
76. Donate them to a pig or goat rescue centre, where they will be appreciated as food.
The onion, not the pigs/goats.
77. Give to toddler for purposes of learning counting, shapes etc.
78. Leave them in a plastic bag on the underground, with “TNT” written on them. Chaos
ensues.
79. I’ve given you enough recipes for now, so here’s just an idea. ONION MOUSSE
80. Line up onions on an “interview panel”. Decorate as simon cowell etc. Practice your
x-factor techniques, and then wilt from the powers of onion sarcasm.
81. Carve into shapes of genitals. Use as party decoration.
82. Replacement wheels for a toy car
83. Hair lightening
84. Use onions to clean mirrors
85. Get rid of foot odor. Replaces it with a worse one though.
86. Use as a test to the claim that the soap you are using “gets rid of oders”
87. Get a long thin onion Make a voodoo doll.
88. Hollow out, attach stiff yet bendable material, use as earmuffs.
89. Grow a genetically mutated onion and use it as a carriage on your wedding day.
90. Peel and use as a “he loves me he loves me not”.
91. Drinking game: Alternate alcoholic shots with shots of chopped onions. Last one to
throw up wins.
92. AN ONION CAN MOVE INANY DIRECTION. So move it.
93. Take your onions on a trip to a club. Hide them in strategic pockets, and watch the
bouncers’ faces when you are searched.
94. Turn them into soup. Muahahahahaaa blender time.
95. Worship your onions. Build a shrine. The ancient Egyptians did.
96. Read the future in them, in manner of tea leaves.
97. Make a boat out of a hollowed onion. Sail in a public park, and observe to see if any
ducks eat it.
98. Leave it as a tip at a restaurant.
99. Release them back into the wild. Who knows where the wind will take them.