A Husband’s Kind Conduct Toward His Wife – Chapter 16
1 William Gouge starts out with a great premise statement for the
chapter entitled “A Husband’s Kind Conduct Toward His Wife.” He
writes, “A husband’s conduct toward his wife must match his speech
or all the gentleness of [the speech] will seem just an empty
compliment.” What is the danger of living a double life toward your
wife?
2 When Gouge describes the importance of the husband
communicating a “friendly and cheerful” facial expression toward his
wife, he is surprisingly detailed as he references the man’s “head,
brow, eyes, and lips.” Is God really this detailed or was this a
Puritan’s mind adding to Scripture?
3 Gouge points to “Esau’s pleasant facial expression” which Jacob was
pleased by as he offered Esau some animals as a peace offering. In
Genesis 33: 8-11, we read:
“Esau asked, “What’s the meaning of all these flocks and herds I met?”
“To find favor in your eyes, my lord,” Jacob said.
But Esau said, “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for
yourself.”
“No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this
gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that
you have received me favorably. Please accept the present that was
brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.”
And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.
Men, did you ever think that your facial expression – for good or ill –
might reflect the very face of God to your wife? (We certainly know
that to be true in terms of how your children perceive their Heavenly
Father.) That’s an awesome responsibility, isn’t it?
4 Gouge points to Genesis 4:3-8 where God detects Cain’s irritation
with his brother Abel since God approved of Abel’s sacrifice more
than Cain’s sacrifice. If the eyes are a “window to the soul”, the face
is the bay window to the soul, the best predictor of present thoughts
and future actions.
In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil
as an offering to the LORD. And Abel also brought an offering—
fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The LORD
looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his
offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and
his face was downcast.
Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your
face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be
accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at
your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.”
While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and
killed him.
5 Jacob noticed a change in the countenance or facial expression of his
father-in-law Laban in Genesis 32:1-8. Our face communicates more
than we might even know.
And Jacob heard the words of Laban's sons, saying, Jacob hath taken
away all that was our father's; and of that which was our father's hath he
gotten all this glory.
2 And
Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not
toward him as before.
3 And
the LORD said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to
thy kindred; and I will be with thee.
4 And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field unto his flock,
5 And
said unto them, I see your father's countenance, that it is not toward
me as before; but the God of my father hath been with me.
6 And
7 And
ye know that with all my power I have served your father.
your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but
God suffered him not to hurt me.
6 Gouge warns that a husband should not communicate with his wife
“by a frowning and lowering face, by hanging down the head, and
putting out the lips” which manifest “anger, malice, and grief.”
7 The goal is to be genuinely friendly toward your wife. Ask God to
correct your “stubborn, furious or unhappy disposition of the heart.”
Gouge points to examples which are the antithesis:
1. The arrogance or pride of an emperor toward his servant
2. The grim, stern expression of a judge over prisoners
3. The drooping, frowning expression of an unhappy lender over a
desperate debtor.
4. The fierce, fiery expression of an angry king over a subject
whom has displeased him.
8 Gouge notes that “a husband’s gesture ought to be so affectionate
and friendly towards his wife, that” two things should be the result:
1. “others may discern him to be her husband, and
2. “his wife may be stirred up to be affectionate with him.”
9 However, while Gouge believes that the Bible affirms affectionate
gestures between spouses, he warns against what we would
describe today as “public displays of affection” which lack “sobriety,
modesty and decency.” What is an appropriate display of affection
without becoming “thoughtless, foolish and overheated” to quote
Gouge?
 Gouge points to Genesis 26:8-9 which states,
o
8 When
Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of
the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac
caressing his wife Rebekah. 9 So Abimelek summoned Isaac
and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is
my sister’?”
10 . A husband should never be cold “towards his wife as if she were a
stranger to him.”
1. This is even more problematic if the husband is “affectionate
with other women” which might “create jealousy in her.”
2. It is never foolish to be affectionate towards your wife for “it
preserves love in a wife’s heart to her husband.”
11.
Gary Chapman writes about the 5 Love Languages:
1. Time
2. Physical affection
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Words of affirmation
 William Gouge affirms the critical importance of giving
gifts as “real demonstrations of true kindness in which a
husband must not fail.”
i. The key is to give something which is more valuable
to your wife than to others. Perhaps that’s where
the notion of giving something sacrificial to your wife
like jewelry came from.
ii. Gouge points to 1 Samuel 1:1-5 which notes that
iii. Elkanah … had two wives; one was called Hannah
and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but
Hannah had none.
3
Year after year this man went up from his town to
worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh
…. 4 Whenever the day came for Elkanah to
sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his
wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters.
5
But to Hannah he gave a double portion because
he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb.
Does Gouge’s citation of this passage endorse
polygamy or just the notion that a husband should
present something valuable to his wife?
12. William Gouge, to his credit, confronts any husband who would dare to
lift a hand to his wife. He states any husband who is so “furious, bitter and
unkind” toward his wife that he would inflict “blows and stripes” at her is
worse than a “venomous viper.”
 Why do you think that some mainstream Christians today
suggest that if you believe that God created the husband to be
the spiritual leader of his wife that he could be, according to this
orthodox theology, be justified in domestic abuse?
o Gouge challenges husbands to “lay aside your fierceness
and cruelty”, explaining that “the nearer wives are, and
the dearer they ought to be to their husbands, the more
horrible” it is when he strikes her.
o Gouge describes such a man as a “beast”, worse,
according to John Chrysostom, than a man who kills his
mother or kills his father because the man “left his parents
for the sake of his wife” (Genesis 2:24)
13. With reference to the offensive notion of a husband beating his wife,
Gouge explains that:
1) “There is no authorization throughout the whole Scripture by
precept or example for it.”
 “Scripture has not ranked your wife among those in the family,
(like children), who are to be correct with the rod.”
2) “That small difference in rank which is between husband and wife
does not permit so high a power in a husband…Can it be thought
reasonable than she who shares a man’s bed all their lives, who has power
over his body, is a joint parent of the children, a joint governor of the family.
Should be beaten by his hands?”
3) “The intimate relationship and true union that is between husband
and wife does not allow such dealing to pass between them.

Ephesians 5:31 says that “the two are one flesh.” No man but
an insane, furious or desperate wretch will beat himself.
 Two types of men in Scripture cut their own flesh:
o Idolaters like the worshipers of Baal (1 Kings 18:28) “So
they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords
and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed.”
o Demoniacs like the one possessed with a legion of devils
in Mark 5:5, 9 “Night and day among the tombs and in the
hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.”
 Gouge writes that some might argue that if Christ is to the
church like husband is to the wife, than a husband can
discipline his wife since Christ disciplines the church. Gouge
notes that since Christ is the “supreme Lord” over the church,
“having all power in heaven and earth committed to Him
(Matthew 28:18). By contrast the husband is not a “supreme
Lord” over his wife. “Therefore Christ’s example is no
authorization for him.”
4) “There is no hope of any good to come from a husband’s
beating of his wife” since the wife recognizes that her husband has
not authority or right to do so… and will resist.”
 “Though she may be brought to yield some outward
submission, yet” she will inwardly hate her husband which
is “worse than outward disobedience.”
 If your wife is guilty of a criminal nature, than the husband
is justified in handing her over to the magistrate to exact
punishment. That is not his place to implement.
 If a wife attacks her husband to the point that he literally
fears for his actual life, he is justified, within the confines
of self-defense only, to strike her. That specific instance
would not be recognized as “an unlawful beating of her.”
14. The key for a husband is not only to avoid giving an offence, but
“bearing with the offence” of his wife.
 Galatians 6:2 instructs us to “bear one another’s burdens”
1) Of the two in the marriage relationship, the husband is
“MORE obligated than his wife, because “he is stronger
and she is the weaker vessel as noted in 1 Peter 3:7
which says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate
as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect
as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the
gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your
prayers.”
Plus, Gouge quotes Romans 15:1 which states, “We who
are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and
not to please ourselves.
2) The husband “is obligated to bear patiently with his wife
more than with any other. 1 Peter 3:7, which references
the wife as the weaker vessel, emphasizes the
“particular duty belonging to a husband, in whom he may
both show his knowledge and wisdom, and also honors
his wife.”
 “For precious things which we highly value, the
weaker they are, the more tenderly and carefully
they are handled, as china dishes and crystal
glasses. Of all parts of the body, the eye is most
tenderly handled. What person is more dear and
precious than a wife?”
 “Natural imperfections are inward like:
 Slowness of mind
 Dullness in understanding
 Shortness of memory
 Quickness in strong emotions
And outward imperfections like:
 Lameness
 Blindness
 Deafness
“These infirmities should cause pity, compassion
and sympathy, and even GREATER tenderness and
respect, but no offence.” Only “actual transgressions are
violations of God’s law.”
 For example, Abraham is a good role
model. His wife Sarah was barren, but he
did not despise her for it.
15. William Gouge documents 4 ways for a husband to demonstrate his
wisdom:
1) Be the most gentle possible as you offer your wife




meek admonition
seasonable advice
gentle appeal, and
compassionate affection.
Example: Elkanah, in his reaction to Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:8:
Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you
weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I
mean more to you than ten sons?”
2)Remove the stone over which your wife stumbles. For example,
“Abraham, by God’s advice, put Hagar and her son out of the house
because they were an offence to Sarah, (his wife).” Genesis 21:14 says,
“Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and
gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off
with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of
Beersheba.”
3) A husband can turn his eyes away from his wife’s offence, “taking no
notice” of it.
 Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is
to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
 Ecclesiastes 7:21 reminds us “Do not pay attention to every
word people say.”
4)Forgiving and forgetting the offence of your wife.
 In Genesis 30, “Jacob took notice of Rachel’s wrath and stubborn
demand, for he rebuked her for it, yet since he willingly yielded to that
which afterwards she asked him.”
1
When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she
became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me
children, or I’ll die!”
Jacob became angry with her and said, “Am I in the place of God,
who has kept you from having children?”
2
Then she said, “Here is Bilhah, my servant. Sleep with her so that
she can bear children for me and I too can build a family through her.”
3
22
Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and enabled her
to conceive with Jacob). 23 She became pregnant and gave birth to a
son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” 24 She named him
Joseph,[h] and said, “May the LORD add to me another son.”
Summary: “The BEST test of a man’s affection to his wife…is in this
point of bearing offences. Not to be offended with a wife who gives no
offense is NOT praiseworthy.
 Matthew 5:46 says, “For if you love those who love you,
what reward do you have?”
 “Gently to bear with and wisely to PASS OVER offenses (by your
wife) when they are given, not to be provoked where is CAUSE of
provocation given, is a TRUE Christian virtue.”
16. Gouge notes that too often husbands are quick to get angry and
become irritable with “the least provocation, like tinder catching fire at the
least spark that falls upon it.”
 He further notes that many husbands “are like gunpowder,
breaking into violent flame upon the least touch of fire. Just as
gunpowder is dangerous to be kept in the house, so are”
similarly combustible husbands.
 He notes that “the Devil is good while he is pleased, yet it is not
safe to have the Devil too near.”
 It is inevitable that a wife will give offense to her husband
because of her proximity to him and her unrelenting company.
The question is how will her husband respond: Biblically or
unbiblically?
 Do you think husbands tend to be “combustible” because of
what they witnessed in their childhood, their bitter spirit, their
lack of time with the Lord, their misunderstanding of their
Biblical role in marriage or all of the above?