Writing Workshop #4: Diction (Lesson)
Diction: Author’s word choice
“Shape up Flabby Writing with Stronger Words” by Susan Bearman
http://writeitsideways.com/shape-up-flabby-writing-stronger-verbs/
Choosing the right words can make the difference between flat, tedious writing and writing that sings a clear, sweet song.
Adjectives and adverbs are fine in moderation, but strong verbs will propel your writing forward and engage your reader in
a sensory adventure.
Show, Don’t Tell
The verb “to be” and all its duplications often take a writer down the “telling” path. Here’s a blatant example:
“The mountain was big.”—How big? Bigger than a car? A house?
I’m telling you something here about a mountain, but not showing you anything at all. Here’s how a couple of strong verbs
can show how big that mountain really is:
“Mt. Rainier thrusts its stony, snow-capped peak more than 14,000 feet into the brilliant blue skies of western
Washington, where it reigns as the tallest mountain in the lower 48 states.”
One more:
“The movie was great.”—Really? You wouldn’t know it from that sentence.
How about:
“The new indie film struck a chord with the audience, who gasped in horror over the grisly murder,
but laughed uproariously when the murderer slipped on a bloody banana peel.”
But wait, there’s as an adverb in that sentence: uproariously. True, but I believe this is one of those instances when
replacing the verb “to laugh” with a synonym would only distract the reader, rather than enhance the sentence. See what
you think.
“The new indie film struck a chord with the audience, who gasped in horror over the grisly murder, but …

… guffawed when the murderer slipped on a bloody banana peel.”

… snickered when the murderer slipped on a bloody banana peel.”

… tittered when the murderer slipped on a bloody banana peel.”
In each of these examples, I found the replacement verb distracting, so I stuck with my original verb: “to laugh”. The
problem was that just “laughing” didn’t seem to provide enough of a contrast to gasping in horror, so I added
“uproariously” to heighten the difference.
“To write” is a verb—an action word—so act with intention when you write.
Context Matters
Finding the right word is often dependent on context. A flabby verb will work almost anywhere, but a strong verb fits best
within a particular context. For example, let’s look at two sentences using the common (flabby) verb “went”:

The racehorse went around the track three times.

The airplane went slowly across the tarmac.
While the word “went” works just as well (or poorly) in each of these sentences, stronger, more precise verbs will bring
them to life and paint completely different pictures.
Weak/Vague Words
 The racehorse trotted around the track three times.
bad
good
cool
was
 The racehorse galloped around the track three times.
nice
unique
am
were
fun
very
interesting
been
 The racehorse limped around the track three times.
awesome
some
is/be
went
Writing Workshop #4: Diction (Application)
Practice: Using specific language
In each of the sentences below, underline the subject and object words that refer to a general class. In each case
substitute a more specific term and, if possible, also add a descriptive word or phrase.
1. A man went into a building.
2. The animal ate its food.
3. The parent held the child.
4. The store sells candy.
5. The car hit an object.
Practice: Using strong language (verbs)
Which verb would you have chosen, to make these sentences more effective/stronger?
1. The jockey nearly flew off his saddle as the horse went for the finish line.
2. The ghost faded before their eyes as he went through the closed door.
3. The old jalopy went down the street, belching little clouds of black smoke in its wake.
4. Even with a fever of 104°, the dedicated nurse went to the hospital.
5. “You’re going to miss my exit!” shouted the passenger, as the taxi driver made a hard right and went onto the ramp.
6. The passengers heaved a collective sigh of relief as the airplane went silently up into the sky.
7. After months of suffering, the cancer patient went quietly in his sleep.
8. While the grownups around him carefully avoided the puddles, the little boy went right through them.
9. “I’m not tired and I don’t want to go to bed!” Tommy protested as he went up the stairs.
10. Batman went into action, taking the villains by surprise.
Writing Workshop #4: Syntax (Lesson & Application)
Syntax= sentence structure
One way to hold the reader’s attention is to vary sentence patterns and lengths. Writing the same length and pattern
of sentences makes writing dull and reading monotonous.
1. Read the following passage, and consider the sentence patterns/lengths.
My birthday party was a blast! We ran out of food around 12:30 AM. All we wanted was more Dr. Pepper
and chips, and getting them became our mission. The store was too far away for us to walk to, and the car
sat idly in the garage. My friends and I decided to take a risk. We jumped in the car and began our two mile
trek to the store.
We arrived safely, and purchased our goodies. We returned home with no problems. But Mom was waiting
for us in the driveway. Mom was madder than I had ever seen her. She told us to get out of the car, and we
promptly obeyed. I was more scared at that moment than I had ever been. Mom took away our food, and
she made my friends call their parents to come and pick them up.
SENTENCE BEGINNINGS
32
32
30
30
28
28
26
26
24
24
22
22
20
20
18
18
Words
Words
2. Complete the sentence pattern chart below for the paragraph.
16
14
12
10
8
8
6
6
4
4
2
2
2
3
4
5
6
3.__________________
4.__________________
5.__________________
6.__________________
14
10
1
2.__________________
16
12
0
1.__________________
0
7.__________________
8.__________________
9.__________________
10.__________________
1
2
3
4
5
6
Sentences
Sentences
11.__________________
Paragraph Number ____
Paragraph Number ____
12.__________________
3. Consider how you might revise the paragraphs to alternate sentence
patterns and lengths. Review the suggested techniques on the back
of this handout.
4. Revise the paragraph on a separate sheet of paper.
.
13.__________________
SUGGESTED TECHNIQUES TO VARY SENTENCE PATTERNS AND LENGTHS
1. Use one of the following subordinate conjunctions to combine two sentences showing the relationship
between two ideas: after, although, as, because, if, since, than, that, though, unless, until, when, where,
while.
Example: My birthday party was a blast! We ran out of food around 12:30 AM.
Revision: My birthday party was a blast until we ran out of food around 12:30 AM.
2. Add a phrase beginning with an infinitive.
Example: All we wanted was more Dr. Pepper and chips, and getting them became our mission.
Revision: To get more Dr. Pepper and chips became our mission.
3. Write one compound sentence (2 independent clauses joined with a comma and coordinating
conjunction).
Example: The store was too far away for us to walk, yet the car sat idly in the garage.
4. Change a statement to a question.
Example: My friends and I decided to take a risk.
Revision: My friends and I looked at one another and silently asked, “Should we take a risk?”
5. Add a phrase beginning with a present participle, a verbal that ends in –ing.
Example: We jumped in the car and began our two mile trek to the store.
Revision: Nodding our heads in agreement, we jumped in the car and began our two mile trek to the
store.
6. Add an adverb clause, a dependent clause beginning with the subordinating conjunctions listed in
number 1.
Example: We arrived safely and purchased our goodies. We returned home with no problems.
Revision: After we purchased our goodies, we returned home with no problems.
7. Add an adjective clause, a dependent clause beginning with relative pronouns: which, that, whom,
whose, or who.
Example: But Mom was waiting for us in the driveway. She was angrier than I had ever seen her.
Revision: But waiting for us in the driveway stood Mom, who was angrier than I had ever seen her.
8. Add dialogue.
Example: She told us to get out of the car…
Revision: She yelled, “Get out of that car. Now!”
9. Start with an –ly word (adverb)
Example: …and we promptly obeyed.
Revision: Quickly, we obeyed.
10. Start one sentence with a prepositional phrase.
Example: I was more scared at that moment than I had ever been.
Revision: At that moment, I was more scared than I had ever been.