If you belong to the Hambleden Valley group of churches, you are part of a good and caring
Christian community. At least once a month, you have the opportunity of celebrating
communion in a service enhanced by music, for the glory of God, from Christine Wells and
the Hambleden Valley Church choir.
Some of you might occasionally wonder what it might be like to sing in the Church choir – it
may be rather different from what you expect! Certainly, our musical director is rather a
dark horse!!!
Hear, amid the choir stalls
(alias ‘See, amid the winter’s snow’)
Hear, amid the choir stalls,
Sounds that bounce off all the walls.
Booming basses singing low,
Standing proud in the back row.
Roll your ‘r’s. Please emphasise
important words; and lift your eyes.
Don’t suck sweets or scratch or cough,
It puts the congregation off!
At the front, sopranos sit,
Very high notes they must hit.
Don’t sing flat; be never sharp,
Or you’ll join angels on the harp.
Roll your ‘r’s. Please emphasise
important words; and lift your eyes.
Don’t suck sweets or scratch or cough,
It puts the congregation off!
Sacred tenor singing loud
Draws a most amazing crowd!
Grant that he may ever be
Able to sing tunefully.
Roll your ‘r’s. Please emphasise
important words; and lift your eyes.
Don’t suck sweets or scratch or cough,
It puts the congregation off!
Altos have the boring bit,
Singing random notes that fit.
Even if they’re all the same,
Sing them loud in Jesus’ name!
Roll your ‘r’s. Please emphasise
important words; and lift your eyes.
Don’t suck sweets or scratch or cough,
It puts the congregation off!
A tribute to Christine Wells
Chapter 1 Church Choir—part 1
Christine has given many years of service to the Hambleden Valley Churches.
She raises money for charity, and single-handedly brings more people into the
Church than anyone I know.
She will happily talk about how things were when she first began playing the
organ and training the choir over fifty years ago. However, we have all passed a
lot of water since then.
Christine recently asked members of the choir why they enjoy singing.
Some of the reasons given by the sopranos are that they can entertain their
friends by breaking their wine glasses; when sopranos want to sing in the
shower, they know the tune; when they get tired of singing the tune, they can
sing the descant; when the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano; and can
you name an opera where an alto got the man?
The basses said that they don't have to tighten their trousers to reach their
notes; they don't have to worry about a woman stealing their job (or a preadolescent boy!); they don’t need to learn to read the treble clef; no one notices
if they get a cold; for fun, they can sing at the bottom of their range and fool
people into thinking there's an earthquake!
Our tenor said that he can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung; and did
you ever hear of anyone paying £1000 for a ticket to see the 3 Basses?;
Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for
basses.
The altos said that they often get to sing the same note for 12 bars; if the choir
really messes something up, it's unlikely that the altos will be blamed; they have
lots of time to chat during soprano solos; they can sometimes find part time
work singing tenor; when the altos miss a note, nobody notices; an alto is a
soprano who can read music.
Chapter 2 – Church choir Part 2
New choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new choir
members and to the deterioration of some older ones. We invite any member of
the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Christine is unfailingly accepting of everyone’s efforts – she never criticises the
quality of our vices, but always encourages us to improve.
We have a lot to thank her for – not least for the wonderful repertoire of organ
music to which we have become accustomed each week (even when her fingers
are stiff with cold up at Frieth).
Most of us have been in the choir for a good few years and have learned the
difference between ‘p’, ‘pp’ and ‘ppp’ (except for some of the basses). We are
now able to cope with more sophisticated musical terminology.
New terms we have been set to learn by Christine:
Accidental: Wrong note.
Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic
intentions of someone who has already made up his/her mind.
Cadence: The part when everybody hopes you're going to stop.
Crotchet: Similar to knitting, but usually faster.
Diatonic: A low-calorie drink by Schweppes.
Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo into a skip and it lands exactly on top of
the bagpipes.
Shakes: Effect in music produced either by a rapid alternation of notes or by
asking the organist to play ‘If I Were a Butterfly’
Soviet String Quartet: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra returning to Russia after
its tour of the U.S.A.
Vibrato: A device used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
note.
Interval: The time it takes to find the right note.
Organist joke:
How many organists does it take to change a light bulb? Change? Never!
Finally, some wise words from Christine:
“People are like tea bags - you have to put them into hot water before you know
how strong they are.”
After a particularly long PCC meeting: "God so loved the world that He did NOT
send a committee.”
ON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘PRAISE CHORUSES’ AND
TRADITIONAL HYMNS
(tongue in cheek!)
How to say: in the form of a traditional hymn and a praise chorus: the cows are in the corn.
Praise Chorus version
Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
The cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the
black and white cows, The COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in
the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.
Then if you repeat the whole thing five or six times, that would be a praise chorus!
Hymn version
Oh Martha, dear Martha, now hear thou my cry;
Incline thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain?
There is in their heads no shadow of sense!
Hearken they not in God’s sun or his rain.
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea, those COWS in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Broke free from their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night.
They all of the mildest sweet corn hav-est chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all the corruptions of earth are reborn,
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry,
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
Then, if you were to sing only verses one, three, and four, and if there was a key change
on the last verse, that would be a hymn!
Chapter 3
Christine Wells – Abroad
Christine likes travelling to new places. Last summer, she was considering
France and Africa after two adverts caught her eye:
‘If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontaine and
Chopin. Stay at La Chat – this hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Car hire service: free pickup and delivery – try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.’
‘Mt. Kilimanjaro - the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. Unequalled in size; unrivalled
inconvenience; fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetising
forms - now serving live lobsters.’
What a choice! Christine said that it needed some thinking about – she
needed to go and regurgitate for a while. It was swings and pendulums all
the way, but eventually, she plumped for touring through Europe.
She went on holiday with an old school friend who had trained as a Nun.
She gave Christine a cross, in the form of a necklace, as a gift for doing
all the driving. They decided to travel in Christine’s car.
On arriving at Transylvania, they were stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
a diminutive Dracula jumped onto the hood of their car and scratched the
windscreen!
"Quick, quick!" shouted Christine, "What shall I do?"
"Turn on the windscreen wipers. That will get rid of this abomination,"
shouted the Nun.
This knocked Dracula about, but he clung on and hissed at them loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouted Christine.
"Switch on the windscreen washer, I filled it with Holy Water when we
stopped in the Vatican!" said the Nun. Dracula steamed as the water
burned his skin, but still managed to hang on. He hissed at them even
louder.
"Now what?" screamed Christine.
"Show him your cross!" replied the Nun.
So Christine rolled down the window and shouted: "GET OFF THE CAR
YOU STUPID MAN!!!!"
Chapter 4
Christine Wells – At home
After her holiday, Christine quickly got back into her routines. She had
bought bottles of wine as nice momentums of the vineyards visited whilst
on holiday. The tour of Florence was a particular highlight – she managed
to get it all on film, for prosperity. Christine takes artistic photographs
from unusual vintage points. They are well worth a look.
Christine received a phone call saying that one of her old friends was in
hospital. Although 90 years old, she still had all her facilities. Christine
drove into High Wycombe, stopping on the way to buy some flowers.
Returning to her car, she found that she had locked her keys inside.
A passer-by suggested that she might find a coat hanger and use it to
open the door. Christine looked around and found a rusty old coat hanger
on the ground, but didn’t know how to use it.
So, she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within
five minutes an old car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man
wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. Christine thought, "This is
what you sent to help me?"
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes,
please can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and immediately the door
opened. Christine shook the man’s hand and said, "Thank you so much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
hour."
Christine, with tears of relief cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You
even sent me a Professional!"
It is interesting to learn about some of the faucets of Christine’s
character, and more about her life. It is clear that one should never judge
a book by its cover!
Chapter 5
Christine… How it all started….
Christine has lived in Hambleden for more years than most of us can
remember. Her home is very attractive. She is a keen gardener, and at
one time had pink and yellow concubines climbing round her front door.
She had thought about offering her services to grander places of worship,
and had dreamed about a position at Canterbury Cathedral, but she was
rather perplexed by the architecture of medieval cathedrals.
She had been heard to say, rather interestingly “Did you know, medieval
cathedrals are supported by flying buttocks.”
The Rector at the Cathedral, at that time, was so startled that he stepped
back too quickly, hit his head on a marble pillar and knocked himself out.
Now, Christine was a resourceful young woman and immediately went to
his aid. Her emergency first aid training came in handy. She discovered
that he had stopped breathing, so she gave him artificial insemination.
That soon brought him round!
This, she realised, was a sign that there was much she could contribute to
Church life.
Christine began more than 50 years of service based at Hambleden
Church. She tried to enthuse the choir with some unaccompanied singing,
whilst she conducted – this did at least mean that some of the choir kept
in time. However, one of the bases took against it and walked out,
complaining that he didn’t like singing Acapulco.
She taught them how to sing gregarious chants, pausing at the commas
to give the words shape and meaning.
She knew exactly how she wanted things done. She exhumed confidence.
The choir tried to live up to her expectations and followed her directions
sacrilegiously.
In the vestry, the choir were, and still are, always confused about who
was to sit where, and how to process in. (Far be it for me to stick my
neck out on a limb, but I often wished that someone would make a
decision, instead of us hanging around in a state of libido).
Christine, as always, comes to the rescue. She put lists up on the vestry
wall – but what do they mean?!
Christine encourages us to practise our parts and then promises that
singing new anthems will be as easy as falling off a piece of cake!
She has played at many weddings and watched as the marriages were
consummated at the altar. She has strong feelings about the importance
of marriage, and has been heard to say that life begins at contraception –
marking her out as a true philosopher.
Christine has played in many concerts both on the organ and on the cello.
She has organised many concerts at Hambleden Church for the pleasure
of local people. She has a passion for Mozart, and says that his music is
better than it sounds.
Chapter 6 Christine in the wider community
Our wonderful organist continues to extract fairly harmonious music out of a
rather ageing, disparate and, at times, desperate group of people. She has
shared with the choir many interesting musical facts.
‘Bach is the most famous composer in the world. And so is Handel,’ she added.
Then she told us that ‘Handel was half German, half English, and half Italian’.
At another choir practice, she informed us that ‘The most famous Italian
composer was Liboretto.’
Christine has travelled abroad several times, to visit the homes of famous
composers. She does not mind flying, but is always glad to have her feet back
on terracotta.
Hambleden choir practices are held at Christine’s house. In the spring, her
garden is a feast for the eyes. Her garden is brightened by the red flowers of
saliva, and one can close ones eyes and enjoy the scent of coronations wafting
gently on the breeze.
At least, at her house, she can play sitting on a comfortable seat instead of the
Church organ hard wooden bench. Her haemorrhoids have been a pain in the
neck at times.
Christine is always very encouraging of our efforts at singing new and
challenging music, and urges us to sing it to the best of our mobility.
Sometimes she arranges the music for us, and has been known to jot down a
tune while travelling back to Hambleden on the back of an envelope.
Naturally, as a Church organist of many years’ experience, she can give
guidance to betrothed couples about music, and about other matters, too.
One groom wanted to get down to brass roots, and confided in her that he
wanted an heir, but since his bride-to-be was a baroness, she couldn't bear
children.
Brides-to-be often like to discuss wedding arrangements with Christine. She is
known to especially like lace bridal gowns that fall to the floor as the bride
walks up the aisle.
When asked about donations to the Church, she says that she doesn’t favour
collections, because when it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
She has also had to intervene, on occasion, when matters have become
heated. Her advice is usually not to take each other for granite, or to gloss over
problems but let sleeping ducks lie; in particular, not to burn your bridges until
you come to them. Christine reckons that problems are mostly sixty one or
half-a-dozen of the other.
Without fear of contraception, I can tell you that Christine really enjoys the big,
monthly services. In the past, there have been times when there were only
three people in the congregation, and half of them were members of the choir!
Christine sometimes meets visitors to the Church when she is practising organ
music or laying out music for services. As a child, her Mother told her never to
talk to strangers unless they were friends, but she is now happy to share the
beauty of her environment with others.
One young man came in quite distressed, looking for a calm, quiet place to
stop and think. He had left his bath running and forgotten about it. The flood
damage had been so bad that he was worried he might have to evaporate his
house. ‘It is beyond my apprehension how I could have done such a stupid
thing’, he said.
Christine generally grabs the bull by the tail if she has something to say. ‘Make
no delusions to the past’ she said firmly, ‘You are well, and your house can be
fixed. Look forward to the future.’ She held out her hand. The young man took
it and left.
It’s good to know that all is well in the Hambleden Church choir. Everything’s
fine - just honky-tonky!
I hope that you have enjoyed reading some of the antidotes from Christine’s
long and glorious time at Hambleden Valley musical director.
Just in case you might want to know who wrote this, my natural modesty
prevents me from identifying myself. I wish to remain magnanimous.
STOP PRESS……………….
“Readers beware! Do not believe everything that is written’ from the vestry’ ”
Christine Wells.
Are you on a diet? For those who underwent dietary deprivation during Lent:
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they were sticking to their diets.
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
If you're born again, do you have two tummy buttons?
Onward, Christine’s choristers
1. We are Christine’s choristers,
She will let us breathe…
only at the commas.
Watch our chests a-heave!
Christine, our choirmistress
Brings us in on time;
If we can’t sing top notes
It’s better just to mime.
Chorus:
Onward, Christine’s choristers,
Singing soft and loud;
Holding on our last notes……
Hope we make you proud!
2. On the note from Christine,
Starting: 1 – 2 – 3,
On then, Christine’s choristers,
On to victory!
Congregations quiver
At our songs of praise.
Come then, lift your voices,
Loud our anthems raise.
Chorus
3. Other choirs may perish,
But one thing is plain,
That the choir of Christine
Ever will remain!
Gates of Hell can never
‘Gainst the choir o’ercome.
Thank you, Christine, for the music
On the great organ.
Chorus
Thank you, Christine, for being such an all-round good sport, a fantastic
musician and fount of musical knowledge!