Service Unit
Team Training
Mediating Conflict Participant Workbook
Girl Scout Mission, Promise & Law
The Girl Scout mission, promise and law are shared by every member of
Girl Scouting and define the way Girl Scouts agree to act every day
toward one another, other people, and the world.
Girl Scouting builds girls of
courage, confidence and
character, who make the world a
better place.
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.
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I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say
and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better
place,
and be a sister to every Girl
Scout.
Introduction:
Who is this course designed for?
This course is designed for the Service Unit Administrative Volunteer who finds that managing people
often means managing personalities and disagreements. Certainly the Service Unit Manager should
take this course, however, all members of the service unit can benefit from this knowledge.
Why should I spend time on this subject?
Conflict is an inevitable and necessary feature of relationships. The paradox of conflict is that it is both
the force that can tear relationships apart and the force that binds them together. This dual nature is
what makes it an important concept to study and understand. The challenge facing groups (and
societies) is not the elimination of conflict, but rather, how to effectively address conflict when it arises
– and it will. The purpose of this Mediating Conflict course is to educate and train Service Unit team
administrative volunteers and GSNETX staff on effective techniques to handle conflict when it arises for
the overall betterment of the organization.
How long will this course take?
A couple hours to complete, and practice to perfect. The skills outlined in this course cannot be
mastered by simply reading about them; they must be applied and practiced when the opportunity
arises. The home study delivery method allows you to digest information by the chapter at your own
pace and reflect on it. Save this file to your desk top and come back to it as a reference when you need
it. Print a hard copy to underline if you want to. You can take two hours in a single sit down to
complete it, or you can spread it out over several weeks. When you are finished, email your Mediating
Conflict Learning Log to the Registrar for course credit.
Tell me more about that Learning Log & how I receive course credit…
The end of each chapter has a park
bench symbol which means that you
should stop and check your
comprehension and reflect on key
concepts by answering a few questions.
The Mediating Conflict Learning Log is a
separate .PDF file that you can type
into. Save both the Mediating Conflict
Participant Workbook and the Learning
Log to your desktop. Answer the
questions after each chapter.
Stop & Reflect for a moment…
Whenever you
see this symbol…
go to your
learning Log to
answer the
questions
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Within 30 days of receiving your course order, email the completed Learning Log to
adulteducation@gsnetx.org with the course title and your name in the subject line.
Example: Mediating Conflict Learning Log – Joyce Turner.
Alternatively, you could also print and fax or mail your completed Learning Log
to:


Fax number: 972-349-2498
Mailing address: 6001 Summerside Dr., Dallas, TX 75252
Objectives:
After reading this material and completing the Learning Log, the student should be able to…
1) Recognize and distinguish between true conflict and difference of opinion, emotional distress
or indecision.
2) Analyze the elements of a conflict and determine possible root causes.
3) Practice and demonstrate communication power skills such as effective listening,
paraphrasing, honest communication verbiage, and reframing.
4) Describe the essential process for mediating interest reconciliation between yourself and
another person, as well as between two other people.
5) Following the Participant Resource Guide conduct a Self Mediation.
6) Prepare a Formal Complaint Form and follow the chain of command.
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Table of Contents:
CHAPTER 1 – CONFLICT THEORY
Begins on pg. 6
 What is Conflict?
7-9
 What is at the Root Cause?
10 – 12
 Effects on the Organization
14
 Cost of Unresolved Negative Conflict
15 – 16
 3 Pathways to Resolution
17
 Approaches to Conflict
18
 Adversarial Impulses
19
 Retaliatory Cycle
20
CHAPTER 2 – COMMUNICATION
Begins on pg. 22
 #1 Mistake Made When Dealing With Angry Parents or
Volunteers
 Active Listening
23
 Paraphrasing
27 – 28
 Honest Communication
29 – 31
 Framing & Reframing
32 – 35
CHAPTER 3 – PRACTICAL APPLICATION
24 – 26
Begins on pg. 36
 Self Mediation Process
37 – 41
 Managerial Mediation Process
42 – 49
CHAPTER 4 – ESCALATION
Begins on Pg. 50
 GSNETX Escalation Process
51
 GSNETX Policies & Procedures
52
 What Does a Complaint Form Look Like?
53 - 59
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Chapter 1:
Conflict
Theory
Before we can
determine the
RIGHT way to deal
with conflict, we
must clearly identify
what is happening
and why.
Key Messages:
 There are some situations that we erroneously label as
“conflict” which do not fit the true definition of what conflict really is.
Sometimes it is just indecision, emotional distress, or perhaps even a
difference of opinion.
 To know the difference between what needs to be solved and
what does not, we need to understand the elements of conflict, its
structure and the root cause. This requires analysis.
 Conflict is not necessarily bad. It can yield either positive or
negative effects. The impact of unresolved negative conflict can be high
in both monetary and intangible costs.

There are only three ways to work it out:
1. Power Contest – to the winner go the spoils
2. Rights Contest – let the judge decide
3.
Conflict between
people is inevitable.
The real issue is how
we deal with it.
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Interest Reconciliation – let’s work this out together
What is Conflict?
Let’s do a warm up. Think you have a clear idea of what conflict is? Read the below scenarios. Circle YES or No
if you believe this is a conflict situation.
Situation:
Is This Conflict?
Scenario 1:
Two Service Unit administrative team members are discussing where to hold a
spring Service Unit camp out. One wants to go to Whispering Cedars because it
is a shorter driving distance. She feels that the high cost of gas will prevent
some troops from attending if the campout is more than one hour’s drive away.
The other wants to go to Big Bend State Park and really get the girls into the out
of doors to experience what a true camp out looks like and feels like. They
argue back and forth, each teammate adding more information to support her
position. Each one considers the other's perspective, but they continue to see
the situation differently.
YES
NO
YES
NO
YES
NO
Scenario 2:
A parent is very upset about a front page ad in their local newspaper advertising
cookie booth sales for one troop in their area. They say this is very unfair &
want council to address the troop that took out this advertisement. As soon as
they saw the paper, they immediately called council to complain but they have
not talked to anyone else about this issue.
Scenario 3:
Assistant Leader Jessica has called a Membership Specialist to say she is
suspicious of how Troop Leader Sarah is handling the troop finances. Jessica
says that she has tried to talk to Sarah about it, and even offered to act in the
role of troop Treasurer. She says Sarah won't provide any of the financial
documents. She also adds that some parents have become suspicious and are
asking her questions which she cannot answer. Jessica adds that Sarah told
another parent that she - Jessica - was a “nut case with control issues”. Now
Sarah isn’t returning Jessica's emails or phone calls. The troop meetings have
become stressful for her. They no longer plan meetings together; they just each
show up and do their own thing. Jessica is considering whether splitting off and
forming her own troop is a good idea.
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Defining Conflict:
A condition between or among people who are:
1) interdependent
2) feel angry
3) perceive the other(s) as being at fault
4) act in ways that result in a negative influence upon the group or environment.
By this definition… is Scenario 1 truly conflict?
NO. The Service Unit team members disagree, but they are not in conflict. Their conflict is the absence of
agreement about where to go for a camp out they share responsibility in planning. They are communicating
well, but haven’t yet arrived at a shared view of the problem. They need to use good problem solving tools to
prevent this from escalating into conflict. If they continue to disagree, they may become frustrated and may
begin to view the other as stubborn, stupid, or controlling. Once their disagreement is personalized in this way
and the blame game begins, the odds of negatively impacting the group dramatically increase and they will cross
the border into the land of conflict.
By this definition… is Scenario 2 truly conflict?
NO. While the parent may feel angry and perceive the
other party as being at fault, it is because they believe
that the other troop has an unfair advantage over their
own daughter’s troop. This parent and the other troop
are not interdependent upon each other for their own
troops to function in a healthy way. The parent has not
confronted the other troop in a public setting and
caused a scene, nor have they targeted the other leader
with malicious gossip so their actions have not resulted
in a negative influence upon the environment. What
you have here is emotional distress over the perception
of fairness and anxiety about a troop’s ability to
compete in terms of sales. Because the advertising
troop has committed a policy and procedures violation,
this is an issue that will have to be addressed separately
from the complaining parent. Use good communication
tools to address the parent’s concerns.
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Notice that our definition of
conflict includes:
 Feelings (emotions)
 Perceptions (thoughts)
 Actions (behaviors).
Psychologists consider these three the
only dimensions of human experience.
So…conflict is rooted in all
parts of our human nature.
By this definition… is Scenario 3 truly conflict?
YES. Jessica and Sarah are interdependent upon each other. To run the business of the troop and maintain
harmony with the parents, as partners, they need to work together cooperatively. They blame each other and
are vulnerable to the words and actions of the other. Jessica finds fault with Sarah. Sarah finds fault with Jessica.
They are angry, and it this situation is in danger of escalating and crossing over into the parents. This is a conflict.
To be correctly understood as a conflict, a situation must contain each of the four
elements of our definition. To know how to correctly address and resolve conflict,
we first need to know what conflict is. Otherwise, we may attempt to use an
excellent tool to fix the wrong problem.
Conflict Varieties

Interpersonal - Interpersonal conflict is the simplest and easiest kind to resolve, and it is the most
common. This is conflict between two individuals.

Team Conflict – Team conflict exists when interpersonal conflict within an interdependent group
impacts the productivity and ability of the group to work together and accomplish their goals. The team
can often split among loyalty lines. It may be best to escalate Team conflict with multiple parties to the
Membership Specialist level.
Research has revealed the following effects of interpersonal conflicts on teams:

The degree of conflict that a team member is experiencing with the team does not impact positively
or negatively on that person’s commitment to the organization

A team member’s commitment to the team and the team mission decreases if conflict goes
unresolved, but can increase if conflict is well-managed and resolved.

If unhealthy conflict goes unresolved for too long, team members are likely to quit or to search for
alternatives.
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Analysis Tools: Structure and Cause
What is at the Root Cause?
When analyzing conflict it is important to realize that conflict can be divided into 6 varying categories depending
on its nature. Why bother breaking conflict into categories and giving it labels? It is important, because part of
developing an effective intervention strategy includes identifying the root cause.
If the issue(s) cannot be diagnosed properly, how do you expect to find a worthy solution?
There are many helpful models developed to assist in the diagnosis of causes of conflict. One particular favorite
is “Moore’s Circle of Conflict”. This is a representation of the six (often overlapping) causes of conflict developed
by Christopher Moore. Again, any given conflict can have more than one root cause.
 Values—one’s belief systems, ideas of right versus wrong, etc. Value conflicts are caused by:

Different criteria for evaluating ideas or behavior

Different ways of life, ideology, and religion
Example: A troop leader is at odds with the parents of a girl in her troop. The daughter
is not interested in any of the projects the girls are doing at the troop meeting & her
behavior is disruptive & distracting. The girl has brought up inappropriate topics that
sometimes make the other girls uncomfortable during the meetings. The troop leader has
talked to the parents about her behavior & the parent is not concerned – saying kids will be
kids. The troop leader has put her own children on ADHD medications and suggested that
the parents also do the same with her child… which is when the accusations of bad
parenting versus drugging children began. The root cause stems from a difference in
values.
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 Relationship conflict occurs when past history or experience with another party creates or drives the
current negative situation. Relationship conflicts are caused by:

Strong emotions

Misperceptions or stereotypes

Poor communication or miscommunication

Repetitive negative behavior
Example: Two Service Unit team members who were previously friends have a falling
out about something unrelated to Girl Scouts. The split is acrimonious, and Team
Member A shares private information about the details of the Team Member B’s serious
marriage problems with several third parties - which ultimately gets back to her. Team
Member B is angry and embarrassed and - in retaliation - starts circulating rumors about
Team Member A having prescription drug dependency issues. The gossip mill kicks into
high gear as the entire Service Unit team is pulled into a dispute that spirals out of
control and degenerates into accusations of incompetence at their GS roles. The SU
Team splits the team into two factions (my friends & your friends) and spills over into
the general leader population. The root cause stems from a relationship conflict.

Externals/Moods—factors unrelated to the conflict that exert a negative influence, can include
psychological or physiological issues of parties in conflict. Examples:

Someone who "woke up on the wrong side of the bed," or who has a medical condition
such as chronic back pain, which makes them cranky or difficult to deal with.

Attempting to resolve financial conflicts during a recession where neither party has
caused or controls the recession, but both must deal with the negative impact of it.

The negative "mood," in the negotiation.

A person with a substance abuse problem who is moody or emotional.

Someone going through his or her own divorce while trying to mediate a conflict
situation.
Example: In the previous example we used the case of Team Member A and
Team Member B carrying a relationship conflict into their Girl Scout roles.
Compound that situation with the reality that Team Member B, who has been
accused by her former friend of having a drug dependency issue, has actually
been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment. The effects of cancer
therapy are exerting a negative influence on how Team Member B is responding
to the situation. This is an External/Mood component in the conflict.
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 Structure—limitations on resources like time and money, geographical constraints, organizational
structure, authority issues. Structural conflicts are caused by:

Destructive patterns of behavior or interaction

Unequal control, ownership, or distribution of resources

Unequal power and authority

Geographical, physical, or environmental factors that hinder co-operation

Time constraints
Example: The council has undergone realignment and some members of the legacy Red
River council expressed feeling that they were on the short end of the stick when it
came to appointment to committees, recognition and support, and investment in their
former council’s properties at the expense of the former Tejas properties. This conflict
had its root in structure.

Interests—each party’s needs & desires, fears, or concerns. Interest conflicts are caused by:

Perceived or actual competition over ownership interests

Procedural interests – it’s got to be done a certain way

Psychological interests – I need to be viewed or seen or feel a certain way
Example: Team Member A is organizing a Service Unit lock in.
 Data - when the information that the parties are working with is incorrect or incomplete, or there is
an information differential—one party has important information the other party doesn´t have. Data
conflicts are caused by:

Lack of information

Misinformation

Different views on what is relevant

Different interpretations of data

Different assessment procedures
Example:
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A NOTE OF CAUTION: If you don’t know what’s broke…
Don’t assume that as a Troop Leader or Service Unit Manager that you are responsible for keeping all of
your parents / volunteers happy. Some problems are up to the individual to resolve. Some differences are
benign, even beneficial, to the environment. If you haven’t thought through the situation, it’s smart not to
jump into the middle and try to fix it. You may only make it worse. Take the time to do a conflict analysis.
For an example of what this looks like see Chapter 4 – Sample Conflict Forms
The main premise of Moore’s Model of Conflict is that conflict can be more
easily resolved if resolution discussions are focused on drivers in the bottom
half of the model diagram - data, interests, and structure. Concentrating on
these drivers—things over which parties have some control—offers a more
direct path toward managing the dispute.
When conflicting parties allow their discussion to stray into drivers in the top
half of the model - values, relationships, and externals/moods - conflict will
likely escalate. Because these drivers represent areas that are not generally
within a party’s control, it is best to avoid dwelling on them.
A focus on changing another’s perceptions of perceived past wrongs or
dealing with external issues would make any disagreement worsen.
Conversely, individuals in conflict can work together to change data
problems, allay another’s fears, and overcome geographical constraint
Direct the focus of discussion for the
best chance of success.
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Effects on the Organization
In addition to understanding the causes & costs of conflict, we need to understand its effects. The effects of
conflict on the people involved are often wide reaching and consuming. Conflict can be useful and beneficial or
destructive and damaging. Effective Service Unit Leaders must differentiate between conflict that will boost
productivity and build stronger teams, and conflict that will decrease output and hinder teamwork. One of the
most damaging effects of organizational conflict is the personal toll it takes on volunteers. Ineffectively managed
conflict can affect volunteers personally through:
·
Anxiety
·
Loss of sleep
·
Lowered morale
·
Decreased participation satisfaction
In addition to taking a personal toll, conflict also has adverse effects on the wider Girl Scout
organization. Consider these benefits of managed conflict compared to the damage resulting from “out of
control” conflict:
Managed Conflict
Out of Control Conflict
Strengthens relationships and builds teamwork
Damages relationships and discourages
cooperation
Encourages open communication and cooperative
problem-solving
Results in defensiveness and hidden agendas
Resolves disagreements quickly and increases
productivity
Wastes time, money and human resources
Deals with real issues and concentrates on win-win
resolution
Focuses on fault-finding and blaming
Makes allies and diffuses anger
Creates enemies and hard feelings
Airs all sides of an issue in a positive, supportive
environment
Is frustrating, stress producing and energy draining
Calms and focuses toward results
Is often loud, hostile and chaotic
Conflict IS going to happen. The importance of managing conflict is critical and evident. Leaders must skirt the
fine line and find balance between reducing conflict and allowing conflict to foster good results.
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Cost of Unresolved Negative Conflict
Being in “out of control” conflict is no fun. It’s stressful, unpleasant, distracting, intrusive, and annoying. But is
that all? No. Conflict costs money – money down the drain. How?
A checklist of costs of conflict:




Wasted time
Bad decisions
Lowered motivation
Lost volunteers
Wasted Time
Time is money. How much is your time worth? If you gave every hour of your time a monetary value and
multiplied every hour spent sorting out unresolved conflict… then multiplied that by every person sorting out
conflicts across the entire organization annually - - - it would amount to a surprisingly large sum!
Conservatively, let’s take a national average and say that a hypothetical person earns $15 an hour

Include the cost of unseen benefits and company contribution cost (approximately half the hourly) –
that’s $22.50 an hour

If this person spends 1 hour a day dealing with or stewing over negative conflict times 5 days a week –
that’s $112.50 a week of non-productive time

Over the course of a month - $562.50

Per quarter is $1687.50

Per year is $6750
That’s for one person. Obviously, the more people involved the higher the cost. 10 people mired in sorting out
disputes and conflict for only one hour per day would amount to more than $67,000 annually down a dark drain
at that monetary rate. Could – should – this money be directed toward better things? Yes!
Bad Decisions
Let’s take the case of two Service Unit team members with a history of dissention. Imagine that the Service Unit
Manager needs to ask one of them about a job performed by the other? Could she trust that the information
was objective, valid, sufficient, and accurate? Or might this team member’s feelings of anger and resentment
cause her to distort information or hold back?
Most important decisions are made jointly by several people. Rarely does one individual have sole responsibility
for making a decision. This is especially true in team based organizations. Now, what if this conflict escalates to
the Service Unit Manager, who is now taking sides, her entire administrative team, and out to members of the
entire Service Unit who are aware of what is happening? Will they be able to make decisions that are purely and
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unequivocally motivated by what is best for the girls and troops represented within that SU? It is very likely that
individuals’ needs to protect their self-esteem, to preserve their power, to maintain their social status within the
work group, and to be proven right by the outcome will override their objectivity, regardless of how loyal and
well-intentioned they may be. We are human, and human nature compels us to protect ourselves in risky
circumstances.
Lowered Motivation
From time to time, most volunteers’ motivation to do a good job is eroded by the unrelieved stress of trying to
get along with a “difficult person”. This is an effect that is difficult to quantify and measure precisely, yet
inarguably has an impact. What about the effect of the stress on the volunteer’s immune system and the
resulting impact on their health? It might be reasonable to predict that one possible sign of lowered motivation
is a leader’s decision to avoid attending or participating in Service Unit events when they used to be a regular.
Lost Volunteers
Our organization invests in volunteers by recruiting them, training them, and paying employees to support the
volunteer structure. Chronic conflict is a decisive factor in reasons that a volunteer might elect not to return
next year. The cost to the organization reaches beyond financial investment into a loss of the opportunity for
countless girls and (future generations) to experience the Girl Scout Leadership Experience. What if that exiting
volunteer held a key Service Unit position? That SU now has to restructure and recruit a new team member to
continue to support all of the troops in that area.
Service Unit Managers Hints to Minimize Conflict
There is no guaranteed way to avoid conflict. But you can do some things to minimize the negative
consequences.
 Be sensitive to the relationships among your troop leaders. Your role is to provide leadership
and structure to the wider team, and also to be aware of leader’s performance.
 Encourage leaders to come and talk with you if they are having a problem. Don’t take
responsibility for solving their problems, but do what you can to bring them out into the open
& encourage them to take the positive route.
 Analyze any conflict to determine the causes, both direct and indirect. The better you
understand a conflict, the more effectively you can help resolve it or know when it is time to
escalate the issue to the next level.
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3 Ways Pathways to Resolution
The three (and only three) ways it can go…
1) Power Contests: Disputants use their resources (physical strength, credible threats, loud voice, number
of allies) to coerce or intimidate opponents to comply with their demands. Resolving conflicts by using
power is the most ancient way and still much practiced. This is an adversarial approach and there is
always a winner and a loser.
2) Rights Contests: Disputants appeal to a source of authority (parents, bosses, the policy manual,
precedent, a court of law) to judge that their rights are more legitimate and therefore prevail over the
rights of opponents. As soon as we invented laws, we were able to grasp the concept that individuals
have rights. In theory, once individuals’ rights are defined, conflicts can be resolved by determining
whose rights prevail. This is also an adversarial approach and there is always a winner and a loser.
3) Interest Reconciliation: What happens when interdependency and the need for cooperation and
interaction after the dispute still exists, such as in marriage and families, work relationships, and social
organizations such as Girl Scouts? “Win/Lose” does not permanently solve the problem as these parties
will continue to have to interact. A non-adversarial approach often works best. To do this you must
reframe the conflict from a power based or rights based contest to one with a shared interest in a
cooperative and collaborative outcome so that both parties can walk away with a win.
A frame is an unspoken mental point of view which usually includes such themes as…
•
•
•
•
Competition - competitions are to be won
Scarcity - they will use the resources and prevent me from using them
Insecurity – my career / reputation will be harmed if I lose this competition
Mistrust – I can’t trust anyone to care about how I feel so I’ve got to do what’s necessary to take care of
myself.
Frame (noun) - A perception of a
Reframe (verb) - To change one’s
conflict situation that causes the
perceiver to make assumptions and
interpretations about what is true
about the conflict and about what
solutions are possible.
perception of a conflict situation so
as to see new possibilities about
what may be true about the conflict
and about how it may be resolved.
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Approaches to Conflict
How do people engaged in conflict usually tend to behave? Most people tend to favor one of the five
approaches below. Any given approach is neither right nor wrong; in fact a blend of approaches to fit the
circumstances may be called for.
Approach:
Description:
Application:
Competitive
You attempt to completely dominate the
situation. Focus is on winning rather than
searching for appropriate solution for all
involved.
Useful in an emergency situation or when
other methods have been tried and failed.
Accommodation
You are willing to yield your position to
another person.
Useful when it is more important to
preserve the relationship than argue the
issue or the issue is more important to the
other person than it is to you.
Avoidance
You deny a problem exists or withdraw from
a threatening situation.
Can be useful if others can solve the conflict
more effectively or if both parties need a
chance to cool off.
Compromise
You negotiate, trade-off, swap to get some of Useful to reach agreement when both sides
what you want while having to give up
have equal power and/or to reach a solution
something else in the process.
under difficult circumstances or time
pressures.
Collaboration
You attempt to create an atmosphere that
will encourage each person to examine and
understand the other person's point of view.
Useful when both parties are sincerely
interested in resolving the conflict; exploring
the origins of the conflict in order to identify
its true source and deal with it; and willing
to accept and understand the other person's
feelings and point of view event though
they don't agree.
Which approach do you normally gravitate toward?
How might this influence the way you approach conflict in your Service Unit?
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Adversarial Impulses
Wrong Reflexes (Betrayed by Our Bodies)
If taking a non-adversarial approach to reconciling interests is so marvelous, what don’t we naturally do it?
Simple; we are programmed through years of evolution to be predisposed toward “fight or flight”. Just to
underscore this… take a look at some of the common behaviors you might see and hear when people are in
conflict, angry, and are not being friendly.
Aggressive – Fight
Passive – Flight
Involuntary Reactions
*strategic*
*strategic*
*non-strategic*
•
Getting others to take
sides
•
Avoiding personal contact
•
Sweaty palms
•
Shouting
•
Writing memos instead of
talking
•
Nervous gestures
•
Pre-empting
(getting there first)
•
Withholding needed
information
•
Closed body posture
•
Threatening
•
Not returning messages
•
Tense facial expression
•
Undermining the
opponents reputation
•
Delaying giving required
support
•
Crying
Power Plays
Walk-Aways
Signs of stress
Why is this important to talk about?
Flight or fight strategies are the same two strategies that animals have used for millions of years to survive.
They are ingrained automatic reflexes to the feeling of threat. Clearly evolution hasn’t rid of us these ancient
reflexes – and don’t hold your breath waiting for them to atrophy from disuse.
As you work with people to resolve conflict you WILL see these signs and behaviors. With knowledge and insight
you will be able to identify when that individual has been triggered and moved away from collaboration.
Furthermore, as you begin to be able to identify and label behaviors for what they really are… you will be able to
call it and prevent escalation from getting out of control. Why is this important? As human beings, we have
three layers:
1) Cognition – the thinking process
2) Emotion – the feeling process
3) Behavior – the acting process
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That’s all there is to us psychologically. Only the behavior process is visible to others. Only verbal and nonverbal
behaviors are observable. You can’t see a person’s thoughts and feelings. You can only infer them indirectly by
interpreting observable behavior. You see my scowl and you infer that I feel angry. You hear my disagreeing
statement and you infer that I think you are incompetent. (Does “framing” come to mind here?) Inferences of
the meaning of others’ behaviors can have triggering effects and set off a retaliatory cycle.
Retaliatory Cycle
A retaliatory cycle is started by a triggering event that leads to one’s perception that his or her interests are
threatened (cognition or thinking), which leads to anger (emotion, or feeling), which leads to acting out by
means of walk-aways or power plays (behavior, or doing), which serves as a triggering event leading to the
other’s perception that his or her interests are threatened… and so on.
Trigger
Repetition
Perception
of Threat
Acting out
Anger
(behavior)
(emotion)
As mediators of conflict we can ask questions and examine the perceptual frame & the meaning that the
individual has put around the facts to illicit such a response. Again, frames usually include such themes as…
•
•
•
•
Competition - competitions are to be won
Scarcity - they will use the resources and prevent me from using them
Insecurity – my career / reputation will be harmed if I lose this competition
Mistrust – I can’t trust anyone to care about how I feel so I’ve got to do what’s necessary to take care of
myself.
Where do we go from here? To get out of this situation we must help ourselves and others to THINK our way
out of it. We cannot change the facts, but we CAN change the meaning we put on it.
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Mediation - A Better Way
Let’s dig deeper into the idea that conflicts may be resolved by reconciling interests. How is that done? To
reach a consensual solution to a conflict, we must have a mediated dialogue in a managed context. The essential
process of mediation can be used while resolving interpersonal conflicts between yourself and others as well as
while resolving interpersonal conflict between others. First and primarily, there must be dialogue.
The Essential Process of Mediation:
1) Dialogue is directly between disputants - Without dialogue there can be no consensual, common
interest based solution. Solutions that result when one party imposes their will upon the other or when
one or both parties withdraw from the relationship are not healthy for the individuals or the
organization, and they incur costs and risk of more conflict down the road. This must be the kind of
dialogue that produces consensual solutions.
2)
Rules – the dialogue must be protected. Interruptions, distractions, and intrusions must be prevented.
Participants must agree to stay in the essential process – no walk-aways. They must also agree not to
impose one-sided solutions – no power plays.
3) Structure – the dialogue must be facilitated by someone who performs the behavior and tasks of a
mediator.
4) Time – the dialogue process must be given enough time to unfold to a satisfactory resolution.
Specific details about how to facilitate the mediation process will follow in Chapter 3:
Practical Application.
Stop & Reflect for a moment…
Answer questions
1 – 34 in your
Learning Log now.
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Chapter 2:
Communication
Good communication
skills which take the
“heat” out of language
can prevent escalation
caused by triggered
responses. Most of all,
using these particular
skills helps other to feel
heard and understood
which opens the door to
reconciliation.
Key Messages:
 Before anyone is willing to work on solving a problem,
they have to go through a “healing process”. They need to
feel listened to and understood before they are truly open to
problem solve.
 Active Listening requires a combination of verbal and
non-verbal techniques, all of which can be learned.
 This also includes listening with the head for facts, with
the heart for feelings, the stomach for gut intuition of what is
driving another person’s needs and satisfiers. Listening with
the feet means determining which way the disputing party is
going.
 Paraphrasing is a powerful tool for making people feel
understood and also for reframing points of view.
 Using “I” or “My” statements conveys ownership of
feelings and avoids triggering blaming language. Smart.
 A person’s “frame” on a conflict is nearly always
hidden and is what causes the perceiver to make assumptions
and perceptions about what is true.
 “Reframing” is a skill that adds clarity and changes
perceptions. It moves parties closer to negotiation.
Conflict between people is
inevitable. The real issue is
how we deal with it.
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The #1 Mistake Made When Dealing With Angry
Parents or Volunteers
When you are faced with an angry parent or volunteer, you probably assume that the person wants his or
her "problem" fixed. That's a logical approach and it's at least partly true. Angry parents and volunteers
expect that you will be able to help them in some concrete way, by meeting their want or need. However,
there's more to the story.
Ever notice that with a really angry person, even if you can "fix" the problem, the person still acts in angry or
nasty ways? Why is that? Well, actually angry people want several things. Yes, they want the problem fixed,
but they also want to BE HEARD, TO BE LISTENED TO, and to have their upset and emotional state
recognized and acknowledged.
The most common approach to dealing with angry people is to move immediately to solve the problem
without giving that acknowledgment. Do you know what happens? The person is so angry that he or she
isn't prepared to work to solve the problem, doesn't listen, and gets in the way of solving the problem. So
the number one error is moving to solve the problem before the parent or volunteer is "ready", or calm
enough to work with you. The result is that you have to repeat things over and over (since the parent or
volunteer didn't hear), and has to ask the same questions over and over. And that's what drives people nuts.
The Solution
The solution is to follow this general rule: When faced with an angry parent or volunteer, FIRST focus on
acknowledging the feelings and upset of the person. Once the person starts to calm down as a result of
having his or her feelings recognized, THEN move to solving the problem. You'll find that this will save you a
lot of time and energy.
Here are a few phrases you can modify and use:

It seems like you're pretty upset about this and I don't blame you. Let's see what we can do.

It has to be frustrating to not have good communication and know what is happening next.

Most people would be angry if they felt they were being ignored.
Make sure you address the feelings first, THEN move to fix the problem.
You must do both.
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Power Skills
One of the deepest needs of all human beings is to feel understood and be accepted by others. Offering
understanding to another person is a potent form of empowerment. We need not agree with others to
empower them in this way; we need only to make it clear through our eyes, body posture and tone of voice that
we want to see the world from their perspective.
This is important. Our interactions with others must come from a point of deep, non-judgmental interest. The
key is to grasp the why behind what is being said or done in order to gain insight into the deeper interests and
needs of the person with whom we are communicating. From the moment that people feel you are truly
seeking to understand, they begin dealing with problems and other people more constructively. Good
listening skills are used throughout any process designed to constructively resolve conflict. Good listening is,
perhaps, the most significant skill a mediator or facilitator brings to assist parties in conflict.
Power Skill #1 - ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening is a communication skill used by mediators and facilitators to aid communication by helping
parties deliver clear messages and know that their messages were heard correctly. It is also an indispensable
skill for interest-based negotiators.
Objectives of active listening:
• To show the speaker that his/her message has been heard.
• To help the listener gain clarity on both the content and emotion of the message.
• To help speakers express themselves and to encourage them to explain, in greater detail, their
understanding of the situation and what they are feeling.
• To encourage the understanding that expression of emotion is acceptable and that it is useful in
understanding the depth of feelings.
• To create an environment in which the speaker feels free and safe to talk about a situation.
The four levels of listening
Active listening takes place on four levels:
• ‘The head’: listening for facts and other forms of information.
• ‘The heart’: listening for feelings. Conflict is often associated with strong feelings such as anger, fear,
frustration, disappointment, etc. Strong feelings often block the way to rational discussions and
therefore have to be identified and dealt with before proceeding to substantive matters.
• ‘The stomach’: listening for basic human needs. Identify what basic needs are driving the conflict and
distinguish between needs and satisfiers.
• ‘The feet’: listening for intention or will. Identify in which direction the person/group is moving and
how strong their commitment is.
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Procedures for active listening:
• Acknowledge that you are listening, through verbal and non-verbal cues.
• Listen at all four levels and reflect your impressions through using the various active listening skills.
• Let the speaker acknowledge whether or not you have reflected their communication and its intensity
correctly. If it is not correct, ask questions to clarify and reflect a modified statement to the speaker.
Principles underpinning effective listening:
• That the environment created for the speaker to express herself or himself is safe, especially in terms
of reducing the risk of future negative consequences for messages delivered.
• That the listener is very focused on what the speaker is trying to communicate to her/him.
• That the listener is patient and does not jump to conclusions about the message.
• That the listener can show genuine empathy for the speaker.
• That the listener uses techniques which permit the speaker to verify or correct the emotion and
content of the message.
• That the listener does not judge or make value statements about what the speaker is feeling.
How to achieve the goals of active listening:
• Be attentive.
• Be alert and non-distracted.
• Be interested in the needs of the other person, and let them know you care about what is said.
• Be a non-judgmental, non-criticizing “sounding board”.
Don’t:
• use stock phrases like “It’s not so bad”, “don’t be upset”, “you’re making a mountain out of a
molehill”, “just calm down”.
• get emotionally hooked, angry, upset, and argumentative. Don’t let your values/biases interfere with
what you understand is being said.
• rehearse in your own head.
• jump to conclusions or judgments.
• interrogate or give advice.
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Ways to listen effectively
1. Use your body to create a positive atmosphere with your non-verbal behavior. i.e.:
• Appropriate eye contact
• Nodding the head, facial expressions, gestures
• Body oriented toward the speaker (head, arms, legs)
• Tone of voice
Some researchers say that 80% of communication is body language, that is, what we do with our bodies, our
faces, our eyes, and our tone of voice as we are speaking. Every culture has its own body language and
mediators must think critically about how to use body language in such a way that the message comes through:
“I am eager to hear and understand you.”
2. Encourage responses. “Tell me more” or “I’d like to hear about ...”
3. Summarize the basic viewpoints of the speaker as you've heard them. A summary is an extended restatement
of the key points of information offered by the speaker. Use summaries to focus the speaker in terms of issues
and solvable problems, instead of personalities.
4. Make brief notes on your notepad to keep track, but don’t bury yourself in them!
5. Paraphrase or restate in your own words.
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Power Skill #2 - PARAPHRASING
Paraphrasing or restating what the speaker has said in your own words is a powerful tool:
 for communicating understanding to others.
 for moving the conversation to deeper levels — a good paraphrase often brings further, more
reflective responses from others.
 for slowing down the conversation between the parties.
 for “laundering” vicious or insulting statements so as to be less inflammatory while retaining the
basic points that were made.
How to paraphrase:
1. Focus on the speaker.
• “YOU felt...”, “You’re saying...”, “you believe...”
o NOT - “I know exactly how you feel. I've been in situations like that myself.”
2. Paraphrasing can be effective at all four levels:
• Restate facts: “Your daughter has not had a troop meeting in 3 months”
• Reflect feelings: Body language and tone of voice will clue you to feelings. “…and you feel
disappointed and worried she will lose interest.”
• Reflect needs: “You spent money on her handbook and uniform which was a financial sacrifice
for your family, and you want reassurances it will go to use.” (Security)
• Reflect will or intention: “You want to solve the problem as soon as possible”.
3. A paraphrase contains no judgment or evaluation but describes empathetically:
• “So you believe very strongly that...”
• “You were very unhappy when she...”
• “You felt quite angry with Ms. X in that situation...”
• “The way you see it then...”
• “If I'm understanding you correctly, you...”
4. Act like a mirror not a parrot. Paraphrase mirrors the meaning of the speaker's words but does not
merely parrot the speaker; example:
 Speaker says: “I resented it deeply when I found out that they had gone behind my back. Why
can't they come and talk with me, and give me a chance to sort things out with them?"
o Paraphrase: “You were quite hurt that they didn't come directly to you to resolve
things”.
o NOT: “You resented it deeply that they went behind your back. You wish they had
given you a chance to sort things out with them."
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5. A paraphrase should always be shorter than the speaker's own statement, and is used after specific
points. A summary is similar to a paraphrase, but is longer and is used to summarize all the key points
that have been made by one party in a statement.
6. Paraphrasing and other communication skills e.g. questioning can be extremely useful in:
• laundering language like rephrasing the statement so that insulting words are omitted.
o
o
Speaker: “He is a liar”.
Paraphrase: “You find it difficult to believe him.”
• dealing with generalities and moving parties to specifics, e.g. “He always comes in late...”
o
Response: “When does he come in late?” “What is he late for?”
• unspecified noun/verb e.g.: “I just don’t like that sort of thing”.
o
Response: “Tell us what you dislike”. “He always talks with two tongues”. Response:
“When did he make contradictory statements?” “What is it that he said and to whom?”
• speaking for others, e.g.:”I happen to know that no-one around here trusts her.”
o
Response: “Speaking from your own experience with Ms. X, tell us more about what
you’re upset about.”
Challenging? Perhaps, so practice! Life gives us ample opportunities to listen and
work things out with family, friends, and co-workers.
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Power Skill #3 - HONEST COMMUNICATION
Aims:

To communicate clearly and cleanly my perception of and feelings about a problem without attacking,
blaming or hurting the other person.

To open a discussion without eliciting defensiveness from the other person.
Strategy:
In addition to good listening, conflict management depends on honest talking. When people are confronted with
a situation that makes them very uncomfortable, they normally respond in one of two ways. Either they flee or
they fight. The flight or fight is instinctual; remember? There are times when it is necessary to flee (e.g. when
attacked by a gang) or to fight (when one’s life is threatened). But on the whole these typical responses are not
very helpful to resolve problems.
For example: Mrs. Matthews is a Troop Leader trying to teach financial management concepts to her
troop at the end of a school & work day. She has a headache and feels very tired. Kelsey, a Cadette, does
not understand Mathematics well, is frustrated and bored and starts talking to her friend – in spite of
the fact that Mrs. Matthews has asked them to concentrate.
The flight response is as follows: Mrs. Matthews storms out of the meeting, goes to the kitchen, takes
an aspirin and sits down to wait for the parents to come pick the girls up. She has avoided a
confrontation with Kelsey, but has the problem been solved?
The fight response: Mrs. Matthews shouts at Kelsey: “You are a rude child. You will cause everyone in
the room not to understand what they need to know to earn their Silver Award. Now please go call your
mother Mrs. Matthews has confronted the problem, she has attacked. But again, has the problem been
solved?
There is a third way to handle this situation. Mrs. Matthews can use ‘I language’. ‘I language’ or an ‘I
message’ is to communicate exactly how I feel without avoiding the problem, but also without attacking,
blaming or insulting the other. She may, for example, say: “Kelsey, I have a headache and I am very
tired. When I see you talking while I am trying to explain these difficult sums to you I feel deeply
irritated. I feel as if you are not respecting me. Can you help me to understand why you are doing this?”
In this type of ‘honest talking’ or ‘I language’ two things need to happen:
• I have to focus on my own feelings and thoughts and communicate them as mine.
• I do not blame or attack the other, nor do I accuse or insult them. I am saying to the other
person that I have these thoughts and feelings because of his or her behavior, and I create
openness for them to respond.
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Three Steps to Honest Communication:
1) Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can.
2) Express how you feel about the situation. (Note: Use “I” or “My” statements to refer to how you
are feeling and what you are thinking.)
3) Specify what you want. Include a specific deadline, if appropriate.
Example
The Action
Objective Description
Verbiage Structure
“When you…
When you give me
instructions as if I am a
child
My Response
No Blame
I feel…
I feel insulted and
powerless
OR
OR
I feel like…
I feel like sabotaging your
plans
My Preferred Outcome
No Demand
And what I’d like is that
I…
And what I’d like is that I
have more involvement
in the decision-making
process and be treated
with respect.
Some questions to ask myself when I am constructing an “I” message:
• Is my message ‘clean’ in the sense that I am not blaming, accusing or insulting?
• Am I stating the problem accurately and honestly?
• Have I stated my feelings clearly and honestly?
• Have I made the statement in such a way that it will lead to an open discussion or have I closed the
matter through what I said or the way I said it?
Labels or Inaccurate Assumptions that can Block Resolution
• Difficult family
• Passive-aggressive co-leader
• Not a team player
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• Power-hungry
• Control freak
• Arrogant
• Thinks she is better than anyone else
• Just wants to be the center of attention
• She just wants everyone else to be miserable, too
• Uncooperative
• She just wants to get even
• Doesn’t care
• Disengaged
• Lazy
• Incompetent
• Bully
• She is just an angry person
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Power Skill #4 - FRAMING AND REFRAMING Helping parties move beyond threats and rhetoric
Frame (noun) - A perception of a
Reframe (verb) - To change one’s
conflict situation that causes the
perceiver to make assumptions and
interpretations about what is true
about the conflict and about what
solutions are possible.
perception of a conflict situation so
as to see new possibilities about
what may be true about the conflict
and about how it may be resolved.
What is a frame?
When talking about framing and reframing it is necessary to describe what we mean by the term frame. Think of
it as a picture frame which surrounds an event or interaction. Within this frame is the picture we are trying to
communicate. A piece of artwork such as a painting may show us a picture of a person, a landscape, or perhaps
something more abstract. When we use the term frame in a conflict setting, we are talking about the words,
gestures and emotions a party uses to describe the event, what they want or how they feel.
Framing is what parties do to ‘paint their picture’ of the situation. Framing is also used by interveners to help the
parties give richer meaning to this picture. This often includes getting a clearer definition of events, feelings and
needs and helping parties understand the symbols they are using to create meaning.
Reframing is often used by interveners to assist parties in redefining their ‘picture’ in ways which help move
them beyond rhetoric, threats or other types of communication which impede progress towards resolution of
the conflict. It may include rephrasing issues in a way which helps parties move from guarding their positions
and towards cooperative problem-solving.
Remember: A frame is an unspoken mental point of view which usually includes such themes as…
 Competition - competitions are to be won
 Scarcity - they will use the resources and prevent me from using them
 Insecurity – my career / reputation will be harmed if I lose this competition
 Mistrust – I can’t trust anyone to care about how I feel so I’ve got to do what’s necessary to take
care of myself.
Purposes of Framing and Reframing
• Define or re-define the way parties describe events, emotions and needs.
• Add clarity to the meaning parties are trying to relate to the intervener and other parties.
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• Help parties gain a better understanding of events and their own feelings and needs.
• Change the perspective on certain events or understandings of the situation.
• Help move parties away from positional negotiation to interest-based negotiation.
• Break negotiation deadlocks by breaking down the issues or making them more general.
• Soften or strengthen demands or threats.
• Change the perspective of emotional or value-laden messages to enhance understanding.
Listening for understanding provides information as to what is happening for someone and helps to surface the
issues. The next step is deciding how to respond to the information. The response should let the speaker know
that you have heard what he or she is trying to say. Additionally, if the person is emotionally upset, it is difficult
for them to hear any response. Deescalating a person who is upset allows him or her to better hear your
comments.
Reframing the statements as you respond is one way of surfacing the issues while helping the other person stay
engaged and hear your message. Reframing accomplishes many functions. Through reframing, it is possible to
remove inflammatory language, acknowledge or clarify the underlying issues, inform the speaker that you
understand what he or she is saying, and redirect the conversation from a confrontational mode into a problemsolving mode.
Reframing is a technique that requires practice, particularly for those who are uncomfortable when an
individual’s words feel like an attack or an insult. Mediators frequently use reframing to create a safe space for
individuals to have difficult conversations. Reframing strong language while acknowledging the emotion helps
people stay in the dialogue. Too frequently, a confrontational statement elicits a “fight or flight” response that
can lead to a caustic reply, withdrawal, or walking away. Practicing the technique of reframing allows the others
to stay in the conversation in order to work toward solving the problem. Often, the person who is upset will
make a strong statement that places blame on someone who is not present. Reframing helps to focus the
conversation back on the speaker and away from the person who is not present. This helps to create a space for
surfacing the issues and for removing blame from the conversation.
There are four steps in reframing a statement:
• acknowledge the emotion
• remove the inflammatory language
• restate the problem or issue
• request or wait for clarification or validation from the speaker.
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How to Reframe
• Use active listening skills to paraphrase, restate, clarify, validate and summarize. Active listening skills
form the foundation for reframing because these techniques are designed to aid the communication
process. They can be used to remove emotional or value-laden language and provide periodic
summaries and order to communication between parties.
What it sounds like:
 Statement 1: “Doesn’t anyone know what they are doing around here?”
 Reframed: “You seem to be frustrated. What information would be helpful to you?”
• Change the meaning of a message by asking questions and digging deeper. Reframing is often used to
help parties identify interests which underlie their positions in a conflict. It can also be used to increase
the manageability of the issues in a conflict by making them smaller and easier to resolve, or making
them more general so that it is easier for parties to identify common ground.
What it sounds like:
 Statement 2: “She is the most incompetent Girl Scout Leader I have ever seen! I don’t think
anyone should leave their children in her care. She’s a walking disaster.”
 Reframed: “You sound upset. What specifically would help you feel assured that your
daughter is in a safe environment?
• Change a party’s perspective by changing the context. Reframing is also used to change the
perspective a party has, permitting them to see things is a new way. This can be done by changing the
context of the situation and having parties reconsider how they might handle a similar situation in a
different context. Also, interveners can try to get parties to consider the situation from the other party’s
perspective, or they sometimes help parties keep an eye on the bigger picture by using common ground
or minimizing differences.
What it sounds like:
 SU Team Member: I cannot work with an overbearing Service Unit Manager who wants to
micromanage and control everything. You are not a team player.
 SU Manager: You always complain about everything and you never have anything positive
or constructive to say. You are constantly miserable and are driving leaders away from
attending meetings!
 Elevated Statement: “You both sound like you care a great deal about ensuring a quality
experience for the leaders in your Service Unit and working together as a team. How would
it look if the Service Unit were a restaurant and the leaders were your best customers and
diners?”
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• Change the person delivering the message. There are times when people cannot listen to a message
delivered by another individual. They may, however, be able to hear the same message if it is delivered
by someone else. It may only need to be communicated by another representative of the party, another
party involved in the negotiations, the facilitator/mediator or a respected outsider.
Stop & Reflect for a moment…
Answer
questions
35 – 43 in your
Learning Log
now.
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Chapter 3:
Practical
Application
This chapter
provides step by step
instruction on how to
mediate simple
conflicts between
yourself and another
as well as conflicts
between two other
people.
Conflict between
people is inevitable.
The real issue is how
we deal with it.
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Key Messages:
 Self-Mediating is working out the conflict between yourself
and another person by advocating for yourself while following the
mediating process and structure.
 Managerial Mediation is providing a process and structure
so that two other people involved in a dispute can work out their
conflict in a safe way.
• As a mediator, you facilitate the process. The disputants are
responsible for solving the issue. Steps to produce the breakthrough:
1) Keep participants engaged in the process
2) Support Conciliatory Gestures
3) Wait. Stay neutral.
 Conciliatory Gesture: A verbal statement made that affirms
the other person such as expressing a positive feeling for the other
person, a compliment, apologizing, taking ownership, reaching for a
win/win solution, etc.
SCENARIO 1: How to Resolve Conflict between
Yourself and another Person – Self Mediating
Step 1) Find a Time to Talk
An interest based consensual solution to conflict cannot be reached without dialogue. The first thing you must
do is find time to talk about the issue to be settled. Use care to approach the other person at a time when you
can have a few minutes of privacy.
As an example we’ll use the case of Jessica, the co-leader who is suspicious of how Sarah, the troop leader, is
handling the Girl Scout troop finances. Jessica has tried to talk to Sarah & offered to help or even volunteer to
be Troop Treasurer, but Sarah won’t provide any of the financial documents. Sarah and Jessica no longer plan
their meetings together and Sarah avoids returning phone calls and emails. Their interactions at the meeting
have started to become stressed as well. The parents have noticed and are beginning to ask questions because
both Jessica and Sarah are making off hand comments about the other. Jessica has decided to be the bigger
person and break the avoidance and retaliation cycle. It might sound something like this…
“Hi Sarah; do you have a minute?” (The Approach)
“I’ve been thinking about how we should address some of the parents’ questions about the amount of
money we have in the troop bank account for the girls’ activities. I’m getting concerned about the
growing amount of inquiry and how that might impact the parents’ willingness to support the troop
during cookie sales season and our later plans for a camping trip at the end of the year. Maybe we
should put our heads together and figure out a solution that would satisfy their need for transparency,
work with both of our time limitations, and preserve the support for the girls’ plans at the same time.”
(The Issue Statement)
“I’d like for us to work together – just you and me – and talk about how we might work together on this.
How about it?” (The Request)
Ideally, Sarah would welcome Jessica’s overture and agree that a conversation would be a good idea. If Sarah
were to frame the situation as competitive and adversarial, she might be suspicious and skeptical and respond
that she was too busy to talk about it.
In terms familiar to professional sales people, Sarah has posed an “objection” to Jessica’s offer. Jessica must
successfully counter the objection to make the “sale” – that is to get Sarah to agree to meet to discuss a
cooperative solution to the problem.
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The general formula for countering objections is:

Acknowledge the objection. Don’t treat the reasons for declining your offer as unimportant or
illegitimate. Recognize that within the perceptual frame of the other person there is a good reason not
to accept the offer.

Show benefits. Use the objection to point out how Sarah’s interest would actually be served by
accepting the offer. If the objection is “I don’t have time”, show time saving advantages of your offer. If
the objection is “it’s not that important”, show how the risks of not accepting the offer could be serious.
If the objection is “We already talked about it and they didn’t listen” show that you’ve thought of a new
approach that may yield success if the two of you try to talk it out.

Ask again. Repeat the offer. Sales professionals tell us that the single greatest reason that sales are lost
is the salesperson’s failure to ask again.
When the person agrees to join you to discuss the issue you have closed The Sale.
You will want to ensure that the meeting and discussion does not fail by spiraling into Power Plays and WalkAways. You should use caution, however, when establishing The Structure and Rules for the conversation with
the other person for the first time. Without giving some
factual reason for this request, the other person could
FIND A TIME TO TALK
perceive it as an unwarranted accusation and be triggered
and become defensive.
Jessica could say, “Sarah, we could go on avoiding
talking about the financial issue, however, I believe
it is starting to affect our working relationship. I
would hate for that to continue because I feel that
we would both lose and because the girls in the
troop depend on us. I suggest we spend as much
time as necessary to listen to each other’s ideas,
trying the find a solution that good for us, good for
the parents, and ultimately good for the girls in the
troop. So, I hope we can keep talking and
exchanging ideas for as long as necessary until we
discover the best solution. It might get frustrating,
but I’ll agree to not give up the search or an hour or
even two, if needed. Can you do the same?”

The Approach

The Issue Statement (the
reason we need to talk)

The Request (asking the
other to meet)

The Sale

The Structure & Rules

The Time & Place
Overview of Step 1
Finally, Jessica wants to settle on a time and place for their conversation (The Time & Place). Appreciating that
Sarah might be feeling a little manipulated by Jessica’s initiative in proposing a meeting, she invites her to
suggest a time and place that’s convenient for her. As long as it is a suitable location, fee from interruptions and
distractions, and a time they can both meet Jessica is glad to allow Sarah this choice.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Fools Rush in… While finding time to talk, take care not to get drawn into a discussion or
argument about the issue. In this step we just need to label the issue, not resolve it. Remember:
this is only a conversation about having a conversation – it’s not the conversation itself.
Step 2) Plan the Meeting Environment
Overview of Step 2:
Meeting Checklist
In addition to selecting a time and place for the discussion, you will want
to consider preventing interruptions and distractions. See the chart on
the right.
•
Where?
•
Private
•
No Phones
•
No walk-ins
•
When?
•
Enough time?
•
No scheduling
conflicts
•
Too tired?
 Refer to or ask for commitment to stay with the discussion for a
specified amount of time, even if it gets frustrating.
•
Physical
comforts
 Agree not to push a one-sided solution.
•
Seating
•
Noise
•
Temperature
•
Liquids
Step 3) Talk It Out
Here is a checklist for starting the Dialogue at the meeting:
 Express appreciation for their willingness to meet and talk
through the issue.
 Express optimism that you can work it out creatively
 State the issue. Express your understanding of what you are
meeting to work out; however, take care to define it in neutral,
objective terms. Don’t criticize or imply that the other person is at
fault. Think of it as the “business problem that we need to solve.”
 Ask if that is their understanding and invite them to help you see
it from their point of view.
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When you are mediating conflict for yourself you are wearing two hats. You are negotiating for your needs and
you are also acting in the role as a mediator. Your task as a self mediator has three primary tasks:
1) Keep the essential process going.
2) Support conciliatory gestures.
3) Patiently wait for the breakthrough.
Conciliatory Gestures
Conciliatory gestures are verbal statements or parts of statements made during mediation that are affirming of
the other person and as such expose the speaker’s vulnerability to exploitation by the other. Because of this,
they are often nested within a long defensive, combative statement which can cause them to go unnoticed.
Our fears cause us to protect ourselves against the other from winning one on us and not giving anything back.
Ironically, these are powerful levers that affect the course of an adversarial argument, despite being so small
and seemingly insignificant.
Here is list of kinds of conciliatory gestures to watch for:






Apologizing
Owning responsibility
Conceding
Self-disclosing
Expressing positive feelings for the other
Initiating a “both-gain” approach to the problem.
This dialogue could take several hours. During this time you will…
 Make sure neither one of you gives up, quits, or changes the subject to safer but irrelevant topics.
 Listen for conciliatory gestures in the other’s comments and offer them yourself when you can do so
sincerely.
 Conciliatory gestures are often mixed in with more hostile comments because the other person wants to
avoid appearing weak. Avoid reacting defensively when triggered. Accentuate the positive. Ignore the
negative. Acknowledge the gesture, show your appreciation of it, and reciprocate.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Step 4) Make a Deal
Look for the “breakthrough” – a mutual shift in attitude from me-against-you to us-against- the problem.” Once
the attitude shift happens, the two parties can approach solving the problem with a “win / win” assumption
about possible outcomes of the conflict. This is a great moment. Until this moment, most people assume that
the only possible outcome is win-lose or, even worse, lose-lose.
Once a “win / win” deal is made it should be:
1) Balanced
2) Specific
3) Recorded
FINAL THOUGHTS:
 The essential functions of a third-party mediator can be performed by people who are personally
involved in the conflict, if the conflict has a simple structure and if the people can balance the two roles
of negotiator and mediator.
 Self – mediation resembles managerial mediation. The primary difference between the two dialogue
tools lies in who initiates the process of resolving the conflict.
 Frame conflicts as win / win opportunities instead of win / lose or lose /lose contests.
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SCENARIO 2: How to Resolve Conflict between Two
Other People – Managerial Mediation
What are the Options?
Managers manage people. People are human. Our human nature impels us into conflict. So, Service Unit
Managers must manage conflict between people who report to them. So, what are your options?

Ignore – Sometimes conflicts go away if you ignore them, but often they fester and get worse.

Threaten – Sometimes people will “go along to get along”, and sometimes they defy threats and
become even less cooperative.

Separate – Sometimes the amount of required interaction between disputing parties can be reduced by
physically separating them or restricting their duties without impacting productivity. More often,
however, efficiency and performance suffer when work is organized around people instead of people
being organized around the work.

Terminate – Getting rid of feuding volunteers removes the conflict, but it is not easy to fire a volunteer
and can have unintended side effects. There is also the factor of lost troop leaders for girls.

Counsel – Sometimes coaching volunteers individually can guide them out of the conflict. Occasionally,
the well-meaning SU Manager gets drawn into the problem by *appearing* to take one person’s side,
even if she intends to stay neutral and becomes a
target of conflict herself.

Managerial Mediation - If the situation is a true
conflict and the circumstance warrants, A Service
Unit Manager or Membership Specialist might act
as an impartial third party to help parties in
conflict find a way to work together that they can
accept and that also meets the needs of the
organization.
The purpose of Managerial
Mediation is to reach and record
an agreement that defines each
person’s future behavior in regard
to the issue caused by their
conflict. This agreement must be:
1) Balanced
2) Behaviorally specific
3) Mutually acceptable
Managerial Mediation
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Step 1) Decide whether to mediate or not. Does the tool fit the problem?
Using mediation for the wrong purpose ensures failure and risks “killing the patient with the cure.” What are
some wrong purposes?

To establish innocence and guilt. The appropriate process for finding out who is at fault for doing
something wrong is investigation, not mediation.

To discipline or punish. Using mediation for disciplinary or punitive reasons sends the wrong message. If
an individual has violated legal or ethical policies, then discipline may well be called for – not mediation.

To decide who is right and who is wrong. That is a rights contest, not mediation. The purpose of
mediation is to seek consensual solutions that both parties work out themselves. It is not about
assigning blame in the past, rather it is a tool used to guide behavior in the future.
Other circumstances such as substandard individual job performance in a role might require additional training.
Personal home life problem such as a difficult divorce or substance abuse problems which are affecting one’s
ability to fulfill the obligations of their role might call for a private conversation and a referral to additional
counseling services. Mediation might be helpful in addition to or after the fact to help repair any broken
relationships between that person and the team.
Who Defines the Problem?
You do. As Team Leader or Manager, listen to the conflicting parties’ ideas about the situation, but don’t leave it
to them to define the problem to be solved by mediation. If it’s unclear what the problem is…ask yourself, “Why
does their behavior matter to me?” Your answer is probably a pretty good statement of the organizational
problem caused by their conflict.
Step 2) Hold Preliminary Conversations
Either in person or by phone schedule & hold a private conversation with each party separately. In each of
these two preliminary meeting your aim is to accomplish these four things:
1) To hear each person’s side of the story. You might open with a statement such as “I understand that
you and Jessica have not been getting along lately and it is affecting your ability to co-lead the troop
together. I’m concerned that your tension is spilling over to the parents in the troop. Tell me about the
problem as you see it.”
You must listen to each person’s version of the situation, taking care not to agree or disagree with any
criticisms either one may make about the other. You should draw out more details with open ended
questions like “So, why do you think that is?” “Can you tell me more about hat?” and “How does that
affect you?”
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The manager is not asking these questions to gather information to be used to solve the problem; rather
it will be the aggrieved parties’ responsibility to come up with a solution. However, in the course of the
mediation discussion, they may not be good listeners and become frustrated by the other person’s
refusal to accept their views (frames) of the problem. In their frustration, they may appeal to the
mediator to take sides. By giving both parties an opportunity to fully tell their side of the story in
advance and by conveying that you understand – not necessarily agree with – their opinions and views,
you will lay the groundwork for a fruitful three-way meeting. Feeling fully heard helps prepare them for
the meeting.
2) To define the problem to be solved. Recall that the manager-as-mediator decides what is to be solved;
the disputants decide how to solve it. Unless you provide a clear definition of the organization problem
that makes the meeting necessary, the conflicting parties may try to solve the wrong problem. Be
careful not to criticize either party on a personal level, nor make any judgment about who is at fault.
Rather, put the focus on their relational performance.
3) To explain key information about the three-way meeting. Our human nature doesn’t make it easy to
grasp the idea that people with authority can be impartial and nonjudgmental. We naturally expect
leaders to act as judges or arbiters who impose solutions, not as unbiased neutrals. It’s important that
you describe your neutral role as someone who will help guide the process by helping them talk to each
other, but that you will leave it up to them to solve the problem. You will ask each of them to make
arrangements to spend enough time to talk to each other about the problem and how to solve it and to
plan to prevent interruptions such as cell phone, pagers, and children while this is happening.
4) To secure their agreement they will attend. Remember earlier when we talked about our instinctual
fight or flight reflexes and a passive aggressive reflex called Avoidance or Distancing? Distancing can
cause a volunteer to avoid a face to face conversation with a detested person. They might tell you that
the other person is the entire problem and that you should sit THEM down and talk sense into them.
We established earlier that managerial mediation is “a business meeting to solve a business problem” –
it’s not a personal service to the volunteers. So really, the conflicting volunteers don’t have the choice
to participate or not when you have determined that this is a relational problem. Both parties in the
relationship must be involved in solving it. You might reply “I understand your reluctance about this, but
since you are part of the problem, you’ve got to be part of the solution. I’d like for you to join us when we
lock down the time and location.”
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Step 3) Plan the Meeting
Now that you have laid the groundwork and scheduled a three way meeting, you must prepare the environment
– the “context” for that meeting. Do you remember how we earlier defined the “essential process of
mediation”?
The Essential Process of Mediation
1. Dialogue is directly between disputants - Without dialogue there can be no consensual, common
interest based solution. Solutions that result when one party imposes their will upon the other or
when one or both parties withdraw from the relationship are not healthy for the individuals or the
organization, and they incur costs and risk of more conflict down the road. This must be the kind of
dialogue that produces consensual solutions.
2.
Rules – the dialogue must be protected. Interruptions, distractions, and intrusions must be
prevented. Participants must agree to stay in the essential process – no walk-aways. They must also
agree not to impose one-sided solutions – no power plays.
3. Structure – the dialogue must be facilitated by someone who performs the behavior and tasks of a
mediator.
4. Time – the dialogue process must be given enough time to unfold to a satisfactory resolution.
To protect the dialogue, you will want the location to be neutral
and private so that no other people will be watching, listening, or
walking into the meeting. You will also decide upon seating and
physical surroundings. Having the participants sit across the
table from each other will help them keep eye contact and speak
directly to each other. A mediator might sit at the end of the
table to show them that they are impartial yet in charge of the
meeting. Although you are delegating to them the authority to
decide the solution, you remain in authority over the process of
how the solution is decided. If the participants take offense with
each other and attempt to attack or withdraw, you will remind
them of the ground rules and that they must keep going until
they find a solution.
You might also think about other aspects of the physical setting
such as closing drapes, room temperature, comfortable seating,
and providing a pitcher of water and glasses. You will also put
care and thought into selecting the day of the week and time of
day.
We agree that:
1) We will talk directly with
each other.
2) We can own and express our
emotions without resorting
to personal attacks.
3) We will stick with it until
resolution – no walk-aways.
4) The resolution must be
mutually acceptable
Ground Rules
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Step 4) Hold a 3 Way Meeting
Here is a checklist for starting the opening remarks at the meeting:
In the role of
mediator… here’s
what you must do to
produce the
breakthrough…
1. Keep the
participants
engaged in the
essential
process.
 Express appreciation for their attendance and restate the issue as a
business problem that is impacting the team or organization.
 Check for agreement that the parties have cleared their calendars
and have made arrangements not to be interrupted. Thank them for their
effort.
 Explain your role as a neutral facilitator of the process and your
delegation to them the responsibility for reaching a consensual solution.
 Ask for their commitment to stay with the discussion until the
consensual solution is reached, even if it gets frustrating.
2. Support
conciliatory
gestures
 Remind them that we are not here to find fault, even though they
may have strong feelings about this matter. Ask them to agree to express
them openly and in a professional and respectful way. The Girl Scout Law
applies. You are here to help them remain on that path.
3. Wait. Stay
neutral.
 Ask if there are any questions about the process. If so, clarify. If not,
ask who would like to start?
It is time to sit back in your chair and listen and watch. Listen and watch for what? Sharpen your antennae for
these two signals:
1) Departures from the essential process

Do they stay on the topic of the business problem which is how their interaction is impacting others, or
do they lapse into an argument?

Do they talk about safe but irrelevant subjects?

Do they become hopeless about the likelihood of success in the meeting, hoping instead to be excused
from this unpleasant and stressful situation?

Do they stop talking entirely, lapsing into obstinate silence?

Do they try to get the mediator to take sides by persuading her to agree with their opinions?
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
When as a mediator you see that the participants are trying to disengage from the essential process, you should
gently and firmly nudge them back to it. You might respond with comments like the following:
“How is what you are talking about related to the problem we’re here to solve?”
“I see that you’re discouraged about this meeting. But let’s keep talking.”
“Please talk to her, not to me.”
“My opinion doesn’t matter here. You two need to find a solution that you both agree to.”
2) Conciliatory Gestures
These are verbal statements or parts of statements made during mediation that are affirming of the other
person and as such expose the speaker’s vulnerability to exploitation by the other. Because of this, they are
often nested within a long defensive, combative statement which can cause them to go unnoticed. Our fears
cause us to protect ourselves against the other from winning one on us and not giving anything back. Ironically,
these are powerful levers that affect the course of an adversarial argument, despite being so small and
seemingly insignificant.
Here is list of kinds of conciliatory gestures to watch for:






Apologizing
Owning responsibility
Conceding
Self-disclosing
Expressing positive feelings for the other
Initiating a “win / win” approach to the problem.
How to use them as a mediator:
Because conciliatory gestures can be bookended by insults you will have to be alert for them, and interrupt the
argument when you hear one. It might sound something like this…
“You know, Jessica really are a snake! You’re organized and great at planning, but when you talk about
me behind my back with the other parents I really have no use for you.”
Did you hear it? Within that insult is a conciliatory gesture. Because simply complimenting Jessica on her
planning and organization skills would make Sarah feel vulnerable to Jessica, she felt compelled to disguise it
with a hefty dose of hostility. Doing so protected her from the possibility that Jessica would take her compliment
without giving anything in return. That would mean she “won one” on her mental scorecard. You might say…
“Sarah, a moment ago you said that Jessica was great at organizing & planning. Can you say more about
that?”
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By inviting Sarah to say more about that and pointing out the unnoticed conciliatory gesture, the mediator
hopes to spark a reciprocal gesture from Jessica. It didn’t work this time; they kept arguing. Often mediators
must wait patiently for several conciliatory gestures, responding supportively to each one, before an exchange
of gestures happens. When there are reciprocal conciliatory gestures, we have reached the moment of
“breakthrough”.
Now what? Keep at it.
As a mediator, you must be attentive to these two signals – departures from the essential process and signs of
conciliation. They are two of the three primary tasks of the mediator. It’s the third primary task that is often the
most challenging part of mediating. The third task is to be quiet! That is, to refrain from saying and doing any of
the many things that common sense my lead us to think would be helpful:





Don’t give advice or suggestions
Don’t propose ideas for solutions
Don’t probe with “why” questions
Don’t give your own opinions, even if the participants ask for them.
Don’t take “cool off” breaks.
What else do you think might be helpful? Don’t do it? While managerial mediation is simple to understand, it
may be difficult to do because it requires us to stifle some strong impulses. Simply put, the manager-as-mediator
keeps two questions in mind:
1. Are the participants in the essential process? If yes, do nothing. I not, guide them back to it.
2. Did either participant make a conciliatory gesture that the other ignored? If no, do nothing. If yes, give it
your attention by pointing to the comment (because even the person who made it may not be aware of
doing so) and asking the person who made the gesture to say more about it.
Focus on both of these two things and do nothing else. It’s necessary for the essential process to work.
Eventually, this will lead to a breakthrough, which opens a window of opportunity for solving the business
problem. Remember: solving the business problem is the easy part. Getting the participants ready to solve it, by
shifting their attitudes from adversarial to cooperative, is the hard part – at least the part that takes patience.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Let’s Make a Deal
When that window of opportunity opens the mediator seized the opportunity to help the participants make a
deal. Their deal describes how they will interact in the future to prevent the problems of the past from
recurring. So, what’s a deal? What do you want to take away from the mediation table?
A Good Deal – an agreement describing how the parties will interact in the future that is:

Balanced – each person must see a personal benefit from making the deal work, even though they may
have had to make concessions or accommodations to the other. It must pass the WIIFM test – “what’s in
it for me?”

Behaviorally Specific – it defines in clear detail who is to do what, by when, for how long, under what
conditions, with what assistance, etc. Vague agreements like “We’ll try to get along better” are unlikely
to stick.

Written – note are taken about the details of the deal. Ordinarily these notes are written by the
mediator, who then confirms with the participants that the deal accurately captures what they’ve
agreed to.
Step 5) Follow Up
Once both parties have accepted the deal, they are expected to comply with it. They are not free to abandon the
deal if they don’t feel like doing what they have agreed to because, after all, the organization has invested time
and other resources in working out this problem and can expect its volunteers to follow through responsibly.
Before adjourning the meeting, propose a time to meet again in a week or two. Clarify that the purpose of this
follow-up is not to have another meeting of the same kind as you’ve just completed. Rather, it is to review the
deal and check on how it’s working. You are in essence supervising their relational performance.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
 Most Service Unit Managers and Membership Specialists already have the behavioral skills needed to
mediate, but may not know how and when to use them. Managerial Mediation is a template within
which you can apply your current skills, once you understand the tool.
 Managerial mediation is conceptually simple, but may be hard in practice because we must stifle our
own impulses and overcome some misdirected common sense about how to help people in conflict
come to agreement. Sometimes it’s hard not to tell people what to do.
Stop & Reflect for a moment…
Answer
questions
44 – 58 in your
Learning Log
now.
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Chapter 4:
Escalation
When you are
unable to reach
interest reconciliation
between two
disputing parties you
should follow the
Escalation Process.
Additionally, conflict
involving multiple
parties with
competing interests is
a complex conflict
and should be
escalated to the
council level, too.
Conflict between
people is inevitable.
The real issue is how
we deal with it.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
Key Concepts:

Listen & empathize

Schedule a time to follow-up, if necessary

Ensure all parties follow chain of command

Provide Formal Complaint Form

Take steps to resolve conflict, if appropriate

Escalate with proper documentation, if needed
Escalation Process
Parent
Troop Leader
SU Team
Membership
Specialist
Team Lead
Executive
Suggested steps to handle an escalation:
1. Let the person know how much time you have to listen & gather information about the conflict. Some
conflicts might require that you spend more time gathering information & listening – other times you
might let them know you only have 5-10 minutes. Let them know you can schedule a follow-up time
with them at the end of the conversation.
2. Provide the Formal Complaint Form which includes contact information & a timeline of events. Contact
your Membership Specialist for a copy of this form.
3. Schedule a time to follow-up with this person about the conflict that is reasonable depending on what
the conflict is & what needs to be accomplished before you speak again. You have spent time listening &
being sympathetic – and the problem likely won’t be resolved in the initial phone conversation. By
scheduling a time to follow-up you are allowing the involved parties’ time to let their emotions settle.

Ask who they have spoken with to try to resolve the conflict.

If they have not addressed the person they are having the conflict with or who brought it to the
attention of the SU Team – then you may ask them to have those conversations before your
scheduled follow-up.
4. If this is a conflict that can be resolved by the SU Team (Manager) level or the Membership Specialist
level, then it is not necessary to involve the Team Lead.
5. Conflicts that: (1) involve the safety or well-being of a girl, (2) might include the removal of a volunteer,
or (3) cannot be resolved at the Team Lead level might need to be escalated to the executive level – to
the executive assistant to the Chief Program Officer. Per policies & procedures, the Formal Complaint
Form (including timeline of events) is to be provided to the Chief Program Officer in addition to any
other needed documentation.
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Girl Scouts of Northeast Texas
Policies & Procedures
Girl Scouts of Northeast Texas encourages volunteers and staff to take positive actions to resolve conflicts
quickly. We believe a personal phone call or meeting to be the most effective and positive action step. Due to
potential escalation of conflicts, email exchanges to resolve issues are not recommended by council.
1. If, for any reason, a seemingly irresolvable conflict arises between individuals or an individual and
the council, the circumstances surrounding the conflict should be discussed with the immediate
supervisor (Girl Scout Service Unit Manager, Membership Specialist Staff Member, Committee Chair,
etc.) and all parties involved.
2. In order for GSNETX to formally investigate a case, the person shall put her/his grievances in writing
within ten (10) working days of the incident/conflict or decision. The signed and dated statement is
sent to the appropriate employed staff member. Upon request, a copy will be sent by council to the
person against whom the grievance is registered.
3. Within five (5) working days after the copy of the written statement is received, the appropriate
employed staff member will call a conference of the parties involved to resolve the conflict. A
written summary of the conference and a Timeline of Events document will be distributed to the
staff members involved, with a copy sent to the council’s Chief Program Officer.
4. If this group does not reach a solution, the unresolved conflict may be taken to the next level of
supervision, the steps outlined above having been followed and a written summary provided for all
parties.
5. If, despite the preceding steps, the conflict
remains unresolved, any of the involved parties
may request that the conflict be presented to the
council’s Chief Program Officer.
If conflict cannot be self resolved
and is escalated to GSNETX staff
level, the following four phases
will be followed.
1. UNDERSTANDING PHASE
2. PLANNING PHASE
3. INTERVENTION PHASE
4. EVALUATION PHASE
Escalation Process
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
What Does a Complaint Form Look Like?
Final Review
As an example…the following pages take the conflict between Sarah and Jessica, the two co-leaders who are
having a conflict about the transparency of Troop Finances into the zone of escalation. In this escalated conflict,
each of them would fill out a Formal Complaint Form which would be given by the disputant to either the
Service Unit Manager or a Membership Specialist.
Do you remember these early Key Messages about Conflict …?

In conflict, both parties tend to believe that their opinion is fact

Too often both parties see themselves as innocent victims who represent the side of truth and fairness

Too often both parties perceive all destructive acts carried out by others completely blind to identical
acts carried out by themselves or those “on my side”
As you read through the next two example complaint forms, recognize when and where you see this happening.
Then pull on everything that you’ve learned so far… see if you can identify the person’s approach to conflict
(competitive, accommodating, avoiding, compromising, or collaborating) and think about what elements might
be at the root cause of the dispute.

Is this a value conflict caused by difference in belief systems of right versus wrong?

Is this a relationship conflict caused by a past situation that is driving a current negative situation?

Is this conflict caused by an external/mood factor that is psychological or physiological?

Is this a structure conflict caused by unequal resources or unequal power?

Is this an interest conflict caused by competition for ownership of property or procedure?

Is this a data conflict caused by lack of information or misinformation?
Furthermore, as you are reading attempt to mentally identify when they are using Power Plays or Walk-Aways.
Will you be able to identify which disputant is attempting to solve the situation through a Power Contest?
Which disputant is attempting to solve the situation through a Rights Contest? Consider how you might
approach mediating this dispute to an Interest Reconciliation.
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EXAMPLE – Jessica’s Formal Complaint Form
Contact Information:
Name:
Jessica McCain
Date:
Email:
Jess4GS@gmail.com
Phone: 972.111.2345
Troop#:
4811
SU#:
Person Against Whom Complaint is
Being Filed:
Sarah Tolver
Service Unit Manager’s Name:
Deborah Johnson
Service Unit Manager’s Email:
GSDJ@yahoo.com
Service Unit Manager’s Phone:
214.555.2233
April 12, 2011
18
Timeline of Events & Conflict Assessment:
To help us understand the situation and know how to best help you, please take the time to fully answer the
nine questions below. You may attach additional sheets of paper if necessary.
1.
2.
How many people are
involved?
2 people
What are their names
& roles?
Jessica McCain (myself), Assistant Troop Leader
Sarah Tolver, Troop Leader
What situation is at
the center of this
disagreement or
dispute?
Finances, control & gossip. Sarah is not being accountable for troop
funds; parents are asking questions; she’s not communicating. It’s a
mess and I’m sick of it.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
3.
When did it first
begin?
How has it escalated?
4.
What do you see as
the cause(s) of this
conflict?
Please provide a brief
description of the
conflict from your
perspective.
5.
What efforts have
already been made to
settle this conflict?
3 months ago
I’ve been asking Sarah to provide documentation on troop finances &
she acts as if I’m trying to take over. Her not returning my emails or
not communicating with me; plus, other parents expressing concern
about troop finances. I offered to be troop treasurer and she wasn’t
happy about it but it’s only cause she’s not very smart and is
intimidated by me.
Lack of accountability, communication & professionalism
Sarah is doing her own thing, not communicating with me about
funds or proving how they’re being handled, telling other parents
about me wanting to control. It’s extremely annoying and I’m sick of
her unwillingness to bring anyone in the loop about funds & talking
behind my back. I’ve talked to parents about her but it’s only to
make this troop better. She needs to communicate.
I’ve spoken to Sarah (she was short & not open). I’ve sent her
emails. I know a few parents have asked her questions too but I
don’t know where that stands.
What conversations
and or meetings have
taken place?
6.
Why haven’t you been
able to settle this by
yourselves so far?
Because of Sarah’s lack of communication & avoiding the situation.
She isn’t open to discuss our issues in detail and just brushes me off,
which makes me suspicious of how she’s handling the troop funds, as
she avoids answering.
7.
What risks do you
(each) face if you walk
out with no
agreement?
We break up the troop and I will just move on and start my own. I
can’t continue putting up with someone who is conniving and
unprofessional. Who knows where the girl’s money is going?
Everyone in the troop - girls, parents & leaders.
Who is at risk in this
conflict?
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8.
What would help this
conflict to settle
today?
If Sarah were open to speak thoroughly about the issues we have,
plus show ample documentation of every troop financial transaction
to me and the parents; An apology to me and to the parent
requesting information for her unprofessionalism and lack
communication would be nice & a commitment from her part on
being transparent and open moving forward.
9.
What is the ideal
solution in your view?
Having a peaceful troop where Sarah and I can communicate and be
transparent about funds (and not feel the need to vent or talk to
other parents about the issues creating a negative environment) OR
if she can’t get it together we’ll just have to split up the troop.
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Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
EXAMPLE – Sarah’s Formal Complaint Form
Contact Information:
Name:
Sarah Tolver
Date:
Email:
Saraht2001@yahoo.com
Phone: 469.554.9876
Troop#:
4811
SU#:
Person Against Whom Complaint is
Being Filed:
Jessica McCain
Service Unit Manager’s Name:
Deborah Johnson
Service Unit Manager’s Email:
GSDJ@yahoo.com
Service Unit Manager’s Phone:
214.555.2233
April 12, 2011
18
Timeline of Events & Conflict Assessment:
To help us understand the situation and know how to best help you, please take the time to fully answer the
nine questions below. You may attach additional sheets of paper if necessary.
1.How many people are
involved?
2.
At least 4 people
What are their names
& roles?
Sarah Tolver, Troop Leader
Jessica McCain, Assistant Troop Leader
Melanie Taylor, Parent
Nancy Baker, Parent
What situation is at
the center of this
disagreement or
dispute?
Jessica has allowed a situation that occurred on the PTA board (we
are both officers) to flow over into our relationship as troop leaders.
She is unhappy because I did not support her when she got called out
on a financial accountability issue by the board president and school
principle. She was extremely angry with me for not speaking up for
her, but I thought she was wrong. Now she is trying to pay me back
by sabotaging me with the troop parents.
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3.
When did it first
begin?
How has it escalated?
4.
What do you see as
the cause(s) of this
conflict?
Please provide a brief
description of the
conflict from your
perspective.
5.
5 months ago
After the issue with the budget about the school carnival, Jessica
became very difficult to work with. I think she has serious anger
management issues. She cornered me one day about 4 months ago
and started demanding that I give her all the troop records so she
could prove that I’m “not as perfect as I think I am”. At first, I tried to
humor her because I knew her feelings were hurt, but then she
started harassing me with emails. Now she’s gotten so ridiculous that
I avoid talking to her at all. She is doing this to be vindictive and I’m
not going to play this game with her.
Jessica’s mental & emotional instability
Jessica McCain is very creative, but is wound up very tight and has
SERIOUS control issues. I have seen her lose her marbles on her kids
and I feel sorry for them. Jessica is attempting to spread suspicion
that I am spending or stealing troop funds by spreading gossip about
me; primarily with the two parents who live in her neighborhood.
One of them asked me about it, and I know they were fed ridiculous
ideas by her.
What efforts have
already been made to
settle this conflict?
None. You can’t reason with a lunatic. She’s not normal.
What conversations
and or meetings have
taken place?
We break the group apart by age level and do our own thing at
meetings now.
6.
Why haven’t you been
able to settle this by
yourselves so far?
Not worth my time to try.
7.
What risks do you
(each) face if you walk
out with no
agreement?
She will probably try pulling her daughter and her daughter’s friends
from the troop and starting her own where she has total control and
no one looking over her shoulder or telling her no.
Who is at risk in this
conflict?
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My reputation and Jessica’s are at risk. The girls’ experience with Girl
Scouts is jeopardized too.
Mediating Conflict | GSNETX
8.
What would help this
conflict to settle
today?
If our SU manager or the council can get Jessica to see that she
should not take her personal issues out on other people, especially
the girls, that would be a start. I’d really just like for her leave the
girls alone and go away.
9.
What is the ideal
solution in your view?
Jessica apologizes for her behavior and then agrees to resign as
assistant leader so I can get someone else to help lead the troop.
Stop & Reflect for a moment…
Answer
questions
59 – 75 in your
Learning Log
now.
GSNETX | Mediating Conflict
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