“I feel held-up by a future that seems to be gently insisting on its Self, despite the
shouts of my terrified self. I work to hold an open heart, open mind, and open will,
sensing the emergence of a new shape for my own life as part of a new movement
for change.”
*
“At the age of 22 I went for one year to Peru for working as a volunteer in a social
project. It became definitely one of the most challenging and greatest experiences in
my life. Back in Germany I met with other young people who had made the same
experience in other projects in Peru. After having gathered for three days in a hut in
a tiny village in the Black Forest talking a lot about our experiences in Peru we went
back to Freiburg where we were all living at that time.
During that two-hour-drive back to Freiburg something very special happened,
something that I closely relate to presencing. We were all feeling that deep
connection to Peru and the people over there. And we had all been seeing and
feeling that deep separation between their social reality and our possibilities in
Germany. I don’t know if it was me or another person in that car, but someone
raised the idea of bringing young Peruvians to Germany to give them the possibility
to live the same experience as we had done before. And there was a moment of
silence, we looked at each other and then decided to do that. Actually at that time we
had no idea of how complicated it would become to realize it, especially getting the
visas for the Peruvians so that they could come to Germany. But after that special
moment we were so committed that we had enough power to overcome all these
obstacles lying ahead of us.
*
“I am drawn to respond in a different manner to the assignment since there are
many moments to select from so I think the more relevant assignment for me is …
describe when these moments begin to run together and it becomes a way of
being…living ever in disruption of the unknown…”
*
I had been offered various job opportunities, all of which required me to step out of
my comfort zone even further than my current independent consulting. I realized I
was in a state of paralyzing fear. What was I afraid of? My body was heavy with the
tragic, desperate, overwhelming burden that comes with the realization that fixing
our environmental mess seems close to impossible. My heart was hidden,
comfortably residing in the feeling that it was easier to craft my identity around
"knowledge" and "sustainability credentials" than to really be what I wanted to be.
And what do I want to be? I want to be inspiration. I want to be the source from
which we can all learn to trust who we are and what we are here to create. I want to
be the container of spaces from which apparently conflicting agendas and
personalities can design a process that benefits themselves, people and
environment. I want to be the sweet voice that announces that a flourishing future is
possible, and the drumming steps that take you to the places where that future is
being created: now.
And so it hit me. I was not afraid of going against the currents or of not being able to
see tangible results. All the possibilities that were at my feet were offering me the
opportunity to be what I wanted to be. That was what I was afraid of. I was afraid of
the catharsis that my words and my ways caused every time I gave a class, of what
seemed to be an innate tendency to "cross over to enemy lines" in my professional
arena, of my thirst for disruptive and creative conversations with people that
thought nothing like me. Presencing my inner state allowed me to name my fears
and my vision. My crisis of confidence, paradoxically, is me trembling in the
presence of the possibility of me boldly navigating my life and what that would
make available for the world.
*
“The scenery of the Mont Blanc, the highest mountain in France and in Europe
brought me into a strong sense of calmness and a sort of connection to mother
nature and also to the few other people hiking in the mountain who also appeared to
have the same kind of inner peace.
I felt a high sense of connection with my Self as well as to others.
I am still wondering what I can do with it. It feels like I am on a journey to
internalize what could develop within myself and then to externalize it through
actions accordingly.”
*
“The examiner explained what the exam entailed, and we drove off for the test. All
this time it was if I was at another place looking at myself, and what the world was
to bring about at that moment, and yet I was also very aware of driving the car.
I made one big mistake on the highway, and after making it I decided not to look at
Paul from the rear mirror. I decided to let it go, focus on what was to come and act to
that. I had a great experience, never before I saw and experienced the world, myself,
my feelings and actions so clearly, everything was connected! And I passed the
driver’s test!””
*
“My father is worried. In my view he projects trauma from his past onto me.
Emotional contagion occurs and fear is transferred. I react, and realize my ego is
making matters worse. I pause for a moment of reflection and attempt to connect
with source energy and inspiration. I think about the possibility of seeing innocence
behind the trauma in both of us. Options are generated. A kind response genuinely
filled with respect is offered.”
*
“A patient died in ICU when he should have been getting the best of care. His nurse
had noticed a deterioration in his condition and when the doctor walked into the
unit, told the doctor, “That patient needs some medication or he will die.” Somehow,
this struck the doctor’s ego and he threw a cynical query at the nurse, “And what
medical school did you go to?” This fired up the nurse’s ego who immediately
withdrew into a shell thinking to herself, “Shit, son-of-a-bitch, who does he think he
is?”
Sadly, these two egos were distracted from concern for the patient, and the doctor
departed the unit without writing orders for the patient. The nurse was still stewing
when the patient went over the edge and passed away. As the hospital
administrator, I got a wake up call and helped develop a workshop for doctors and
nurses to step into one another’s shoes. I have shared this story many times since
then, how patients suffer when we become so concerned for our own interests that
we take our eye off our reason for being in this business.”
*
In 2011, I chose to leave my leadership position at a beloved college under difficult
circumstances. I was 54, had worked since I was fifteen. I was on a career track, with
two teenaged children. Suddenly I was unemployed, shaken, directionless. I looked
for jobs. Nothing felt right. I sat quietly, watching Spring. I leaned into a presencing
program, then into a doctoral program that allows me to engage learning in the U. I
do a little consulting, use up our savings, do not get a regular job. Two+ years later,
the emotions that accompany that disruption repeatedly threaten to unseat me. I
open the paper and look for jobs. But still, nothing feels nearly as compelling as –
something emerging. I breathe. The future reveals itself a little more. I write or
have a conversation about it. I feel held-up by a future that seems to be gently
insisting on its Self, despite the shouts of my terrified self. I work to hold an open
heart, open mind, and open will, sensing the emergence of a new shape for my own
life as part of a new movement for change.
*
My thirty year journey to a day in 2005 when I walked into the office of my bishop
to tell him that I was resigning from priesthood, took me through struggles with the
three voices of judgment, cynicism and fear:

Who was I to break a promise to my bishop, my people and to the God of my
life?


Safer to stay enclosed in mediocrity, nursing my anger until it became frozen,
like a turtle under its shell, protecting myself from the hurt of dashed hopes
and floundering visions.
Paralysed with fear, blinded by my own assumptions, interpretations,
inferences and beliefs not able to see a life beyond being in the role of priest.
I lived for years like a failed circus trapeze artist, swinging between letting go and
letting come. No great blinding light. No miracle, just slow, patient, learning by
failing, helped by people who had the time to really care, understand and encourage
me to be true to myself. Further studies in change theory, in leadership, in
spiritualties enlightened but did not take me through the threshold of that office: I
walked through, stated what I intended to do and continue to do it!
*
In 2011, I went to a vision quest in the Mojave Desert, California. We weren’t told
much about it until we were there, and I was jittery and a little sharp, as I had
travelled half way round the world, didn’t want to end up in hospital in the US and
felt very outside my comfort zone even though I have done several other retreats.
We were eased into it and then sent out to the desert. I was hot, tired, scared and
irritable, and after fighting with my tarp for some time, decided it was all a waste of
time and strode back in to inform the guide that I was heading off. That was not
about to happen and I soon found myself back outside, left alone with my mood, my
behaviour and my fears. As I slowly relaxed and leaned into them, I began to see and
appreciate the incredible beauty of the desert, to feel my sense of self expanding to
experience the interconnectedness of everything around me.
*
I have found ‘embracing emergence' as one of the most transformative experiences
in my life. Knowing that life is a process which I have no control of and consequently
letting go of predictability, has been like practicing an extreme sport, perhaps
something like bungee jumping, every morning into 'life experience'. I have learned
to meander with life as it comes and love what is, including the usual unexpected
events of life that are definitely not what we may have wished for and yet trusting
that
everything
is
perfect
as
it
is.
Seeing life as an emergent phenomenon allows you to live with an endless sense of
wonder, in the midst of the magic of life where everything is possible and where we
co-create our future which is only revealed little by little as it unfolds. I have never
done a bungee jump but I have been paragliding. The first time you jump into 'the
void' is not easy at all; even though you have a sail, initially you feel you are
committing suicide. Therefore, there is a lot of trust involved in the process. You
know you have got a sail and that most probably, it will take you down safely. So,
once you manage to overcome the fear, only trust remains, you jump and find out
that paragliding is beautiful. You get to experience the flow of life in a unique way:
flying in the sky. The sound of the wind, the views from above and the excitement of
the journey are just unforgettable. That is why I compare embracing emergence to
extreme sports, the letting go of predictability is like jumping, scary at first but once
you trust and overcome the fear, you realize it is great. And instead of a sail, in
everyday life we can hold on to that which we value the most and care for.
*
I was in a Q&A all day session with Simon Sinek discussing WHY - the meaning of
why, the role it plays in life and business, and the process to discover our why. I
had been working on this process for quite some time prior to the event and had
been struggling. At the session, among 100 plus people, Simon told a story of a
submarine and its new commander. The submarine had been the poorest
performing navy vessel in the fleet and had suffered greatly under failed
leadership. As Simon told a specific story of failed leadership, my locus of attention
had shifted from listening to what became an overwhelming physical sensation. I
began to feel anxious, stressed, and sweaty. I let the story flow to a point in which I
had a calmness – clarity I had not seen, about myself and my why. I knew – at that
moment – why I do what I do. I was on that submarine, was part of that story, and
had suffered under that failed leadership. In that moment – I knew my why was TO
CREATE CARING LEADERS SO THAT PEOPLE DON’T GET HURT. I have my own
business, the prototype.
*