Anger Management: A Comprehensive Approach to Change
Extreme or prolonged anger is a sign that something needs attention, and it
provides an opening—a window—to know what’s going on inside of us. When we
over-react with anger, energy and information break through unproductively, and it
offers an opportunity to make a change that will have benefits that go far beyond just
not getting apoplectic when things don’t seem right to us. This is my goal when
working with clients who come in for help with anger issues.
The temptation with anger is to either completely block it, consciously or
unconsciously, or completely let it rip, with the idea that it’s justified and getting it off
your chest will solve the problem. There is a more satisfying and constructive way to
manage anger and I can help you develop it.
There are three main components to better handling your anger:
1. Learning and practicing practical techniques to stop the
immediate reactions.
2. Understanding where the reactions come from: the interpretations
that cause them and the motivations that fuel them.
3. Understanding where the anger originally wanted to go and
finding a better way to use the energy and information that anger
provides.
The tendency for some is to try to use just the practical techniques for breaking
the immediate response. These techniques in themselves are really only a stopgap and
probably won’t solve the problem. I recommend that you not leave it at that. We need
to help you understand why you’re reacting as you do, and to help you get to the
source of the problem so that you aren’t plagued by the reactions so often in the first
place. What it comes down to is that you’ll need to learn to sit with the anger and feel
it without reacting to it, understand what caused it and what role it plays for you, and
then see if there is anything to be learned from it before you dismiss it.
I’ll explain these in more depth.
1. Techniques to stop the reactivity.
We’re wired to respond physically. The racing heart, shallow and fast breathing,
sweating, and shaking all constitute the “Fight” part of the Flight or Fight response
that nature gave us to survive. Because it’s so automatic, you may need to take time to
learn how to respond differently. Your sympathetic nervous system has been running
the show impulsively and we need to help you learn to use the parasympathetic
nervous system to put on the brakes. Here are some of the techniques that can help
you so this:
 Relaxation techniques.
o Deep breathing:
 Breathe deep into your belly rather than shallow breathing
into the chest
o Controlled breathing:
 In for a count of 3, our for 3, and wait for 3.
o Systematic muscle relaxation:
 Tense a specific muscle group such as arms, shoulders, or
face, for 5 seconds and then release.
 Disengage from the physical behaviors that only serve to amp up the
anger such as clenching your fist, yelling, or swinging your arms.
 Prepare in advance a word or phrase to repeat to yourself that you find
calming. Such as “I’ll regret it if I get angry.”
 Measure and label the anger on a 1-10 scale to get some distance from it.
 In some cases where you can’t use these techniques you may need to use
temporary distractions:
o Focus on something neutral or positive instead.
o Notice the environment around you.
o Count backwards from 100 by 7s or simply count to ten.
o Exercise.
o Listen to music.
 Practice going into the fire:
o Use small annoying episodes as opportunities to practice your
techniques before the bigger tests come on.
 Time out:
o If you’re in a relationship you may need to take a time out. Tell
the other person that you want to work it out and will return to
discuss it after 15-30 minutes, or whatever time frame works for
you.
Using these techniques interrupts your physiological anger reaction, and the
mind usually follows. You’ll need to practice these on your own so that you have the
skills ready when you need them. Like learning to throw a baseball or dance a plié in
ballet, the more you practice in advance the better you’ll be at using your technique to
bring your anger under control when you need to.
2. Where does it come from?
But just “managing” the anger probably won’t be enough to keep it from
bursting out somewhere else when you least expect it, turning it against yourself, or
becoming an inspiration for passive-aggressive behavior, getting back at people by not
doing what they want you to do. My suggestion is that we figure out why it comes up
so frequently or so powerfully.
You’ll need to start by identifying triggers. What are the events that usually lead
you to overreact? Create a list, then ask: “How do I interpret these situations?”. Not
everyone would respond to those triggers in the same way. Just as an example: If you
interpret what other people do as intended to hurt you, that will make you much more
angry than if you realize that they are acting out of their own fear and have no
intention of hurting you.
But we’ll also need to go a little deeper and ask “What I am getting out of
these reactions?” I doubt that you misuse anger intentionally, but I am I certain that
it’s not random either. Most of us get something out of it that we’re not aware of. It’s
probably serving some function and your attempts to simply “manage” it will
probably fail if you don’t find out what’s in it for you.
.What function anger plays for you is individual and we’d need to figure that
out. But here are some of the usual suspects:
 It helps you to feel that you are good, strong or right.
 It helps you to prove that you’ve been treated badly, or that the situation
is hopeless, or that people just don’t understand you.
 It covers over uncomfortable feelings of fear, insecurity, guilt or sadness.
Angry reactions come from our interpretations of situations, and our
unconscious motivations to be angry. Both are important to understand if you want to
keep anger from being a problem for you.
3. Where does it want to go?
But there’s still another dimension to the treatment of disruptive anger that I
want to add to this which is sometimes left out: we need to see not just where our
anger comes from, but also where it wants to go. Where was it trying to lead us before
it got off track? Anger isn’t always bad, but it is often badly directed. Your anger
should not always be dismissed as neurotic, unreasonable or meaningless. The key is
learning to understand what it was originally intended to do before it went off track,
and find where to aim it.
Research tells us that two of the most frequent triggers for anger are being
delayed or blocked, and being disrespected.
If there is something that is important for you to do or somewhere important
for you to go, you’ll need to recommit to that goal and not let anger get in your way.
Sometimes anger becomes an excuse not to continue pursuing what we had been
committed to.
I’ve also noticed that for many clients it’s been important to recognize that
what was being triggered was a profound sense of injustice. It’s ironic, but a lot of the
original drive of anger is to make the world a better place, either just safer for the
individual, or for everyone else. But without the tools to use anger to make this
happen, it gets out of control. The archetypal, instinctual need for justice is hijacked
by your personal triggers, infusing it with intense energy, and takes it for a very rough
ride. Anger isn’t all bad and we want to help you find a way to use the energy and
information rather than having it misuse you. The little things that set you off may
actually be about something much bigger that deserves your attention.
We want to help you use anger in a healthy, assertive way by communicating
needs and feelings in a way that doesn’t attack the other person, often with “I
statements,” which communicate personal needs, rather than “You statements” which
attack the other person and cause them to feel defensive. Sometimes anger needs to
be channeled effectively, as Mothers Against Drunk Driving did when they formed
MADD. If there is something you’re furious about, use the anger constructively by
putting the energy where it belongs. This may be something minor such as telling your
partner, “I feel like you make me do all the work,” or something larger such as
starting a non-profit organization that fights to ensure justice for the disempowered.
* * *
Comprehensive anger management requires a commitment to take
responsibility for the way we respond, a willingness to practice relaxation techniques,
and an openness to re-interpret situations and see what secondary gains we may get
from angry reactions. This all takes work, but the rewards are far greater than just not
getting out of control.