Study Guide-Lecture Material for Test 2: Chapter 6
Introduction to the Psychology of Adjustment
Fall Semester 2009
CHAPTER 6: Developing Close Relationships
Relationships evolve, they don’t just happen. First there is awareness of the other person and a
first impression. Next comes making contact. The factors of mere exposure, proximity, physical
attractiveness, and disclosure are at work here.
Next, there is becoming a friend. Friends offer emotional support and social ties. They also
help a person to feel secure, but you only need a few.
Two surveys, a 2005 Texas survey and an old survey published in Psychology Today in 1979 had
similar results.
The most important quality of a friend is trust or keeping confidence. Next comes
loyalty and warmth, and being supportive. Honesty was important in both. Other factors
included a sense of humor, making time for me, being independent, intelligent and a good
conversationalist. Respondents also said that their friends needed to accept them as they
were.
Can men and women be friends?
What is the potential problem with this?
People like predictable and dependable friends; they make us feel safe.
Similarity is a very strong factor in friendship. This includes similarity of interest, SES, income,
occupation, ethnic background, status, educational level, occupation, and political preference.
There is also a correlation between level of similarity and length of marriage. It may be that
similar people bond well because they enjoy the same things, have the same attitudes and
communicate well. Similar people also confirm each other’s view of the world, support each
other’s opinions and beliefs and mutually reinforce each other. According to Taylor & Peplau
(2006) two of the critical similarities are similar beliefs and similar attitudes.
Proximity (geographical nearness) is also important to friendships because it affects whom you
will meet and interact with.
Do opposites attract? Yes, we like novel, exotic people. However, often the novelty wears off
and conflicts results.
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The repulsion hypothesis says that those with attitudes and values different from ours are
physically arousing (in a negative way). We also assume that people who are different from us
will treat us badly.
Complementarity says that people are attracted to each other who complement or complete
each other or who have different sets of strengths and weaknesses. For example, an outgoing
person and a shy person, an organized person with a disorganized one, an emotional one with
one who is more calm.
Social exchange theory says that we do a sort of “cost-benefit” analysis on our relationships.
We like to maximize our rewards and minimize our costs. At a minimum, we need to get as
much value out of the relationship as we put into it. Relationship values or rewards include,
love, status, power, lack of fear and loneliness, companionship, etc. Relationship resources
include warmth, good looks, social status, intelligence, and being dependable, considerate, funto-be-around, etc.
The rule of reciprocity says that we like others whom we know like us.
Dating & Mating
Obviously, when you decide to take a friendship to the level of a romantic relationship, the
rules change.
Courtship – a serious endeavor to investigate the possibility and desirability of a long-term
relationship (marriage); not really the same thing as dating Today we tend to jump into
relationships unprepared, immediately, and without a clear idea of the long-term goal. We
tend to put sex before intimacy, living together before marriage, and the baby before the
husband. Although we still tend to go through the engagement, wedding in the white dress,
and honeymoon – these things no longer have the same meaning that they did in a different
system.
Is being “in love” the only socially acceptable reason to say that you are planning to marry
someone? Is being “in love” compatible with sound judgment, or a state of temporary
insanity?
Do we really believe that there is a “soul mate” out there somewhere who has the power to
completely understand us and make us sublimely happy while ignoring our faults? Can this
person give us power, cure our loneliness, be our endless financial supply, confer worth upon,
and be friend/lover and confidant?
Is love necessary for marriage? Not as necessary as honor, decency and respect for the other
person.
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Is the purpose of marriage personal fulfillment? No, it is establishment of a new family and
rearing children to perpetuate the culture and society. It also happens to be the least stressful
and most rewarding way to live for many people.
What happens when you have idealist expectations for marriage? When they are not met,
people leave/divorce. At that point they do not know where to go. They are frightened of
involvement, feel like personal failures and are somewhat insecure and unstable.
How can you make yourself attractive to a potential romantic partner? Women tend to be
preoccupied with grooming and personal appearance. Men tend to boast about their
accomplishments, talents and potential. Both sexes try to display humor and sophistication and
appear clever and witty. Both lie.
Flirting – non-verbal courtship signaling Researchers say that it is actually the women who
initiate dating relationships by flirting. They use brief, direct glances, smiles and gestures,
primping, and postures such as sitting up straight. They may also use touching, teasing and
mocking. Flirting may be misunderstood in current society because sexual activity is taken so
lightly. We live in a culture of sexual coercion and date rape.
In the “Consider this . . .” section on page 275 of your book, there is a discussion of what men
and women consider in a marriage partner and how men and women differ in this? What are
the differences?
Similar is found to be a major factor in mate selection, as it is for relationships in general.
People prefer the same social class, religion and education. They like “average” people – not
too short, tall, fat or thin. They also want someone they perceive as good-looking, warm,
personable, intelligent, who has a good sense of humor and can be trusted.
A study by Buss and colleagues (1990) of 37 countries around the world (and 5 islands) asked
what characteristic was most important in mate selection. Chastity (virginity) was most
important in several Arab and Asian countries including China and India. It was not at all
important in Scandinavian countries, Germany. Housekeeping was important among the Zulus.
Estonians, and Colombians, but not the Western Europeans. Many cultures considered religion
to be an important factor.
Love Relationships – require more caring & exclusiveness than friendships and have more
emotion and power. Both require trust, respect, acceptance, understanding, nurturing, and
confiding.
The feeling that we call love is associated with arousal, interpersonal attraction and the desire
for sex. Emotions tell you when you are “in love”. If they involve only passion, this is called
infatuation. (You should be able to recognize the statements on page 278 of your textbook as
myths about love.)
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You should also be familiar with Sternberg’s model of love on page 280 of your textbook. The
three elements are passion, commitment, and intimacy. Romantic love lacks commitment;
companionate love lacks passion; fatuous love lacks intimacy. Passion alone he calls
infatuation; intimacy alone he calls liking; and commitment alone he calls decision or empty
love. Only consummate love has all three elements.
You should take note of cultural influences on why people marry on page 281 and be able to
recognize the types of love on page 282 of your text.
Is love a decision? What is the Romeo and Juliet effect? What happens when others pressure
two people to become a couple?
What percentage of couples these days are cohabiting (shacking up)? What percentage of
these couples are divorced? What percentage of these relationships will last less than a year?
What percentage will make it past 5 years? Is cohabitation a good practice to ensure the
success of a future marriage?
You should be able to name or describe some of the poor marriage choices on page 286.
The 7 qualities that Lauer says make marriages last all seem to revolve around what aspect of
the relationship (except for attitude toward marriage)? According to Gottman, the quality of
friendship in the relationship drives the sex, romance and passion experienced.
What happens after the “honeymoon” period is over?
What kinds of things should be discussed in premarital counseling?
What is probably the number one issue that couples argue about?
According to Gottman, what is the 5/1 ratio? What is the most deadly communication pattern
to a marriage? Do couples who have wildly explosive relationships stay together? How about
those who are emotionally inexpressive? Is it better or worse to complain and fight early on?
What does the warmth with which you remember your early relationship signal? What are the
gender differences in happy marriages in the quantity and quality of emotions expressed?
What happens to men who do housework?
What is the cornerstone of any relationship? What is required to have it?
What becomes more likely and is easy if you let your emotions be in control?
What is codependency? How does it affect the self and the relationship? Who is dependent in
the codependent relationship and why?
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Jealousy
What is the difference in what men and women are jealous about?
What is the difference between jealousy and envy?
What is the advice for deciding to get a divorce or leave a long-term relationship?
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of _______.
Never be in a ___________.
Earn the right to _________.
You should read the “Consider this . . .” on page 299 to discover the conditions and attitudes of
happy couples vs. unhappy ones. What are some of the conditions that predict a higher or
lower chance of divorce (page 298)?
Divorce
Describe the steps in divorce grief (p. 301).
When the decision is made to get a divorce, men are most bothered by the loss of emotional
support and social ties. Women are most bothered by loss of income. Men tend to see a new
relationship quickly and women tend to confide in friends. People with high self-esteem tend
to exit a failing relationship quickly. Those with low self-esteem are more likely to linger and
neglect the relationship [.
Couples are more likely to reconcile if they need the relationship and it satisfies their needs, if
both are committed to staying together, and if no alternate lovers are available.
Divorced people are generally less happy than married people, and their well-being may be
impaired for up to five years.
Newly divorced people must let go, form new social ties, and redefine their parental roles.
Often bitterness increases after the divorce, at least at first.
Women are most likely to file for the divorce and to be most affected in the long run.
Mavis Heatherington (2001) followed 2500 children of divorce for 30 years. She reported that
75-80% were functioning well and the 25% had social/emotional problems. Much depends
upon how well the custodial parent is functioning and the relationship with that parent.
She does acknowledge that the effects of the divorce do show up after the children reach
maturity.
70-80% of people remarry after a divorce, most within about 3.5 years. The divorce rate for
second marriages is 60-65%. Factors may include the rebound effect and step-children.
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Laumann (2000) reports that relationship dynamics among gay couples are similar to those for
heterosexual couples, with perhaps more diversity. Other research indicates that female pairs
tend to be very monogamous while male pairs tend to be more open-marriage types.
From the research of Judith Wallerstein and others, children do suffer lifelong consequences of
divorce which include longing for an idealized family, difficulty in establishing their own adult
relationships, feeling obligated to care for the “victimized” parent, feeling that they have lost
one parent, and losing the security of having a father at home. This tends to come out as anger
and rebellion, and for girls, difficulty in trusting men. They may blame themselves for the
divorce and feel unlovable as a result.
Barbara Defoe Whitehead believes that the “divorce culture” could be reversed. It would
require modification of no-fault divorce laws and longer waiting periods. She also believes that
the culture came about partly as a result of value changes in the 1960s that redefined marriage
from a child-centered/family relationship to one for personal pleasure or gratification.
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