Title
The worst one
Characters:
1 Jessie-female
2 Jock-India accent old dude who dresses like an Indian and monk.
3 Ashley- sister of Jessie who lives together temporarily
4 Marcus fee- robbery male
5. Trey wrong
6 Michael husband of Ashley who later appears
7. Cop #1 (double cast one of the robbers)
Story: Jessie hires burglars to rob her and her husband’s house while he’s away on a business
trip, so that she can collect his money… but the burglars mess it up the first time so they have
to do it again and the second time, they take so of the belongings then they get caught and is
arrested husband comes back and finds out what she was trying to do and other secrets get out
as well.
Genre: Comedy
5
Scene1
(Lights on Jessie enters stage left on the phone.)
Jessie:
Hey Ashley, what time are you going to be here? It’s getting late and you know
what happened the last time you came in late right? And don’t forget your key bye.
(She hangs up walks through the door center stage and sits on the couch.)
(Jock enters stage left pushing or pulling his bag, or cart full of items across stage)
Jock:
Ooh boy oh oh America oh jolly hip my hip oh
(Marcus (crook) run on stage right and points screw driver that’s hidden under his
jacket sleeve)
Marcus:
Hey give me all you stuff right now! Put it in the bag!
Jock:
Oh please don’t hurt me, please I didn’t do anything to your species please don’tMarcus:
Shut up man just give me your stuff.!
(Marcus checks behind him to make sure no one is there and jock grabs his arm
and fights will him like his hip isn’t hurting and he’s young)
(Jessie hears the commotion and runs outside her house (center stage) to see what’s
going on.)
Jock:
(Takes the screw driver away from Marcus.)
What- are you serious a screw driver what the hell are you going to do with a
screw driver? This not a weapon, you’re so stupid what the hell are you trying to
fix? You know what get your crack head looking pencil stick, broke down Danny
Glover sloth self outta’ here.
Marcus:
Man I’llJessie:
(Chase him with a broom) Hey get out of here leave him alone! Get
(Marcus runs off stage left)
Jessie:
Hey sir are you ok?
Jock:
(Back to slouching over hand on back old man)
Oh yes I’m fine ma’am he didn’t hurt me I wasn’t goanna let him take my things
there knew.
Jessie:
Oh yeah they steal around here this is a very popular area for thieves, I know I’ve
been robbed.
Jock:
Oh
Jessie:
Yeah they took all of me and my husband’s wedding gifts from our friends and
family.
Jock:
How long have you been married?
Jessie:
6 years.
Jock:
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you do better.
Jessie:
Um- what’s your name?
Jock:
(J pronounced as an h.)
Jock.
Jessie:
(Pronounce the j)Jock?
Jock:
No jock (very dramatic and long) jjjjjjoooooooocccckkk
Jessie:
Ok well it was nice meeting you.
Jock:
You too sweet heart.
(Jessie walk to center stage and enters her house on couch)
(Jock walks form stage left to right offstage.)
Jock:
(Mumbling as walking away) Hum little hussy 6 years of marriage, he probably
left her.
(Lights off)
Scene2
(Trey and Marcus enter stage right)
Marcus:
(Talking like gangster slang) Yo man what we gone do? Is been like 3 weeks the
joint is pack. 6 days to get the clank (loud and dramatic) clank yo know what im
sayin?
Trey:
(Has a confused look on his face.)
What?!! Are you sayin? I don’t speak prison talk…that T.I stuff. Man speak
English.
Marcus:
I am speaking man I just got out, (Like the vine) holding it down.
Trey:
Yo chill with the emotions. Yo need to focus on when we gone hit this house on
west street for real though.
Marcus:
I aint got my screwdriver.
Trey:
Screwdriver? Man forget it.
Marcus:
It’s worth another try.
Trey:
(Rolls his eyes and sighs) I’m supposed to be meeting her soon so all we need to
do it wait so we can get the money.
Marcus:
Is there going to be food?
Trey:
No. just bread.
Marcus:
But you just said there wasn’t going to be food though.
Trey:
The money is bread fido.
Marcus:
First we gotta go get my screw driver back.
Trey:
Who got it?
(Jock enters stage left singing lil wayne raf)
Jock:
uh look at you, now look at us.. All my homies look rich as-
Marcus:
Eh! They he go.
Trey:
Him? In the curtain drapes?
Marcus:
Yeah
(They approach jock walking across stage right to left.)
Jock:
Ok look who we have here the Crip and the crab.
Marcus:
Look man we don’t want to trouble I just want my screw driver back so hand it
over and nobody will get hurt.
Jock:
You can’t fix your life with a screwdriver. Didn’t your father tell you that?
Wait do you even know your father?
Marcus:
(Steps closer) what chu say? Don’t make me hurt you.
Jock:
You aint hurting nothing but your life get out of here.
Trey:
Leave him. He’s not worth it stay focus. Let’s go
Marcus:
Ok but this aint over wait till I see you again.
(Marcus and trey jog of stage right)
Jock:
Crazy fools.
(Ashley walks in stage left and approaches Jock.)
Ashley:
Hey sir I have never seen you around here before what your name?
Jock:
(J pronounced as an h)
Jock.
Ashley:
(Pronounced the j)
Jock?
Jock:
NO! (j pronounced as an j)
Jjjjjjoooooocccckkkk with extra ooooccckkk.
(Jock gets closer up in Ashley’s face as makes an uncomfortable look on her face.)
Ashley:
Ok ok ok I got it.
(Jock stares at her for seconds)
Ashley:
Well I’m just going to-go.
Jock:
Yeah you do that.
(Ashley walks to center stage through the door)
Jock:
Nosey creep.( mumbles and walks off stage left.)
(Lights on center stage or lights off on downstage.)
Scene 3
Ashley:
Hey Jessie I’m back.
Jessie:
Oh you made it?
Ashley:
Yeah I feel like I left something in Brazil I don’t know, it was like I didn’t want to
leave 2 weeks isn’t a long enough vacation.
Jessie:
Well you always go back but just be glad you’re here and not somewhere dead or
something.
Ashley:
Well I’m just going rest on the couch.
Jessie:
Well ok I’m just going to step outside.
(Jessie walks out the door to downstage and looks around and Trey enters stage
left)
Jessie:
Ok here is the plan ok you just come in, threaten us and take the wallet alright.
Trey:
Yeah ok but how much we getting paid?
Jessie:
You will find out when I get the money?
Trey:
Fifty fifty right?
Jessie:
Yeah my husband has a lot of money I’m sure he has enough for you and your
partner to.
Trey:
Does your sister know about the robbery?
Jessie:
No, because if she finds out she’s probably going to snitch. It’s just me you and
Marcus got it?
Trey:
Got it.
(Jessie goes back into the house/door and trey exits stage left. Jock enters stage
right.)
Jock:
(Singing Selena Gomez- slow down the song) all night long baby slow down the
song.
(Then does three squats and on the third squat)
Jock:
Oh boy. What have I done? Ooohh OOooo can’t do that again.
(Jock hears a noise and quickly gets up and exits dramatically stage left. And trey
and Marcus appear at the corner or stage right.
Trey:
(leans out and Whispers) come on
(Marcus is in sight but never gets on stage with trey)
Marcus:
Wait.
(Trey pulls Marcus on stage right with him and he clumsily falls onto stage by
trey.)
(The boys runs low across the stage with masks on their faces to the center where
the door is. Marcus gives ok signal. They bust up through the door and the girls
scream)
Trey:
Alright I want everybody on the ground!
(Jessie gives an awkward look)
Marcus:
(To Jessie)Do you have a problem with the instructions Ms. Dim Kardashian?!
He said everybody on the ground and where’s the fridge?
(Jessie give another look and gets on the ground.)
Ashley:
(Wining voice) We don’t have one
Marcus:
What?! You aint got no refrigerator?!
What kind of joint is this?
Trey:
Marcus!
Marcus:
What man?
Trey:
Shut up and get the wallet.
(Jessie gets up and tries to swing at Trey but misses and grabs the mask off his
face. Trey pushes her on the ground and he runs outside the door.)
(Marcus runs towards the door and trips over something and falls)
Trey:
Man get up.
Marcus:
I’m coming.
(Out of breath)
Trey:
Did you get the wallet?
Marcus:
No I thought you had it
Trey:
You klepto jackass.
Marcus:
What I thought I was following your lead.
Trey:
(Sucks his teeth) You were too busy focused on food you forgot to get the wallet.
Marcus:
You messed it up.
Trey:
We have to go before someone see’s us let’s get out of here.
(They jog off stage right.)
Scene 4
(Ashley is hyperventilating dramatically)
Ashley:
Oh my gosh we just got robbed or we almost did but we almost got shot
(stuttering) by by by some thugs by some klepto crack heads (Stuttering) with with
with a concealed weapon. I saw it (Very over Dramatic) OH MY GOSH the bloods
and the crabs are loose!
Jessie:
Will you shut the hell up so I can figure out what the hell just happened here?
(Ashley gets silent)
Jessie:
This doesn’t make any sense (Puts her arm on her head) what I don’t understand
the wallet is still here. Uh can’t do anything thing right.
(Jessie walks over to Ashley)
Jessie:
Look we can’t call the police.
Ashley:
What do you mean?! We were almost robbed better yet kidnapped.
Jessie:
No this may happen again.
Ashley:
What? That’s absurd.
Jessie:
They didn’t get what they wanted right?
(Ashley nods)
Jessie:
And then they will come back for what they were looking for and when that
happens we then can call the police and they can catch them.
Ashley:
Ok.
Jessie:
So calm down think about this.
(Ashley and Jessie sit on couch light off center stage and on downstage.)
Scene 5
(Jock enters stage left)
Jock:
(Has screwdriver in his hand music starts jock sings)
Turn off the lights, and light a candle tonight I’m in a romantic mood (He gets into
it and is dancing silly) let’s take a shower, shower together I’ll wash your body and
you wash mine( he gets lower to the floor with the mic) rub me down with some(Jessie’s husband enters stage right the music stops)
Jock:
Oh hi there I didn’t know anybody was around.
IMichael:
(Puts one hand up and head down)
Say no more. Please I think you’ve disturbed the peace enough.
Jock:
Um who are you?
Michael:
I’m Michael Jessie’s husband.
(Jock gives Michael a confused look)
Michael:
You know the lady that lives on West Street.
Jock:
(Very loud) Oh the hussy. Yeah I know of her and her friend.
Michael:
Her sister that is.
Jock:
They all look the same to me. Where did you come from?
Michael:
well I was originally born in Hawaii but I moved to ChicagoJock:
No no no I mean where did you just come from? Work? Mom’s house? Where?
Michael:
Oh well I just came from vacation in Brazil.
Jock:
Oh Brazil that’s nice. (Sassy) what’s her name?
Michael:
I beg your pardon?
Jock:
You see im old, been there done that. What man goes on a vacation to another state
and doesn’t take his wife?
Michael:
Brazil is in South America that’s a continent.
Jock:
What are you a scientist now? You know what dinosaurs where there to?
Michael:
Didn’t mean to insult your intelligence?
Jock:
And I didn’t mean to insult your love life either.
Michael:
WellJock:
You know what I’ve had enough I try to have a decent conversation with you south
Americans but it just goes left every time. I don’t know what else to say. (Looks at
Michael) goodbye
(Jock walks across stage and exits right.)
Michael:
That went well.
(Exits stage left)
(Lights or on center and upstage)
Scene 5
Ashley:
Jessie I’m scared what if they come back.
Jessie:
Not be scared be brave Michael texted me and he’s in town anyway.
Ashley:
He’s is?
Jessie:
Yeah
Ashley:
Oh ok.
Jessie:
Everything will be fine Michael is just in for a rude awakening.
Ashley:
Why do you say that?
Jessie:
Because he’s clueless.
Ashley:
Did you hear that?
Jessie:
Hear what
Ashley:
I thought I heard something.
Jessie:
It’s probably nothing.
(Trey and Marcus creep onto stage right again)
Trey:
(Don’t mess this one up.)
Marcus:
If I had my screw driver we wouldn’t be doing this again.
Trey:
Ok follow my lead.
(They sneak across the stage to the center and slow push or open the door.)
(Jessie and Ashley are on the chair, Marcus and trey enter Trey hides under the
couch where the girls are, and as Marcus tries to walk towards downstage right by
some kind of cabinet/wall or prop he trips over something.)
Ashley:
What was that?
Jessie:
What? Why are you being delusional?
(Ashley gets up and move towards upstage where Marcus is standing.)
Jessie:
You see anything?
Ashley:
Um…
(Trey comes from under the couch and grabs Jessie she screams and Marcus then
grabs Ashley.)
Ashley:
Please don’t kill me please take whatever you want
(Jessie gives Ashley a look)
Jessie:
The police are on their way you know, you’re not going to get away with this.
(Ashley struggling to get loose looks at Marcus and trey)
Ashley:
(Wining) why do you guys look familiar
Marcus:
You should recognize us, we were here the other day.
(Ashley gasps)
Trey:
Marcus!!
(Jessie rolls her eyes)
Trey:
You got the wallet?
Marcus:
I don’t see it.
Ashley:
(Screaming) help help help
Trey:
Shut up
Jessie:
What are you doing?
Marcus:
Still don’t see it
Trey:
Les bail.
(They push the girls on the floor and trey runs off stage right and Marcs runs off
stage left)
Ashley:
(Gasp) we really got mugged this time call the police.
Jessie:
What do you think I’m doing?
Yes hello police we’ve just been robbed by snoop dog’s nephews please help they
took all our stuffAshley:
But they didn’t take anything we were mugged.
Jessie:
(Covers the bottom of the phone)
Shh. (back on phone)
Yes ok thank you.
Jessie:
They are on their way.
Ashley:
But you lied about theJessie:
I had to or else they wouldn’t be on their way here. Wait here.
(She walks out the door to downstage Jock is sitting on the ground stage right)
Jessie:
Uh where are they.
(Trey walks on stage right and approaches Jessie)
Jessie:
What happened?
Trey:
We couldn’t find the wallet so we left so things wouldn’t look suspicious.
Jessie:
You guys messed everything up so there’s no cut.
Trey:
What? But we was in
Jessie:
And now you’re out
Jock:
These girls ain’t loyal.
Trey:
So it’s like that ok.
Scene 6
(Trey walks off stage right)
(Ashley walks out the door and to downstage where Jessie is and Cop walks in
stage left)
Cop:
Excuse me miss someone called for law enforcement?
Jessie:
Thank you finally. Alright so someone robbed us andCop:
Wow wow wow slow your role slow your role let me get my notepad (pulls out
small note paid) ok go.
Jessie:
We were robbed by 2 black guys and they took everything to the crib. They
probably went to sell it. Well what are you waiting for aren’t you going to go get
them?
Cop:
You seem to know more information than me why don’t you go get em. I been
doing this 18 years something just doesn’t sit right with me, now Angelina Bro-lee
you slow your role I know what im doing I just busted a guy that may have
something to do with his case on the way here. Just let me get my information
together ma’am.
(Cop writes in this note pad and Michael rushes in stage left)
Michael:
Hey honey are you ok I heard all about the robbery.
(Cop looks Michael up and down)
Cop:
Um excuse me sir who are you?
Michael:
I’m Michael Jessie’s Husband.
Cop:
Oh so you’re the husband? Did you get off work or something?
Michael:
Um yeah I just got back from a business trip in Brazil.
Jock:
Ohh he told me it was a vacation something aint rriiigghhht.
Cop:
Brazil eh? You like it?
Michael:
Yeah, it was amazing nice place and great people.
Jock:
I bet there are great people.
Cop:
You got a job right?
Jock:
Barley (like the vine)
Cop:
How long you been there?
Michael:
2 weeks.
Jessie:
(Low voice) 2 weeks
Jock:
Mmmmmm uummmm.
Jessie:
Ashley weren’t you in Brazil too?
Ashley:
Yeah so?
Cop:
(Pauses and has a funny look in his face)Sir do you know this woman?
Ashley:
Of course he does we are together. (She walks and stands by Michael)
Jessie:
What?
Jock:
Oooohhhhh I knew it I knew it.
Ashley:
Next time make sure that you know where his money and heart is before you try to
take it.
Michael:
You what? You set up this whole robbery to steal from me?
Jock:
It’s not like you wanted her either.
Jessie:
Shut up!
Cop:
Well it looks like we got us some jam stuck in the toe that’s bigger than honey
bobo child. This aint nothing I can’t do right here. This is beyond the law but Ms.
Jessie I can and will arrest you for a false crime scene and call charges and prayers
will be with you. Let’s go
(Cop assist Jessie off stage left)
Jessie:
Get your hands off of me.
Cop:
Hush don’t resist that’s another charge.
Ashley:
Blood isn’t always thicker than water. So babe how do you want to spend the rest
of our lives?
Michael:
Ashley what you did was wrong you knew what she was doing and you didn’t tell
me. I’m sorry but I like loyal women what we had in Brazil was just temporary.
We can’t be together.
(Michael walks past Ashley and Jock and exits stage right.)
Jock:
Dang look at that. What’s done in front of jock will be revealed for the world to
see. ahh
Ashley:
UH
(Walks off stage left)
(Jock walks to center stage)
Jock:
(Sighs) I’m so glad I’m divorced. (Starts singing with screw driver: Sam Smith
I know I’m not the only one chorus)
they say I’m crazy cause I talk like this and I wear these clothes, and I’m
nosey baby(Puts hand in the air and waves slow from side to side) I know I’m not
the only one.
(Light off)
(The end)