Middle / High School Instructional Support Materials for Writing:
Elaboration
Grade 10 Aerobics
Student A - First Draft (Pre-instruction)
Dear Mr. Marsh:
We should have an aerobics class at Ebersoll High School. Girls don’t
have any electives they like, especially in PE. Also, if we had our own
classes, the other PE classes wouldn’t be so big and the kids in those
classes could learn more.
The only classes we can take in PE are weight training and team sports.
And who likes lifting weights next to the usually sweaty boys? Not me. I
don’t like to play crab soccer, pickle ball, softball, or basketball.
If we had an aerobics class we could be more fit and be better students
in our other classes. They have an aerobics class for girls at Bingham High
School and it’s very popular. It would be popular here too. So I think you
should include aerobics for next semester.
Alisha
Grade 10
Annotation
 The writer uses listing as a form of elaboration (crab soccer, pickle ball,
softball, or basketball). Other elaboration is limited (weight training and
PE...it’s very popular.).
 The elaboration is general and recognizes the audience by relaying her
own feelings on the subject (And who likes lifting weights next to the
usually sweaty boys? Not me… So I think you should include
aerobics…).
 The writer uses some elaboration within sentences (if we had our own
classes…).
 Sentences lack specificity (classes wouldn’t be so big… It would be
popular here too.).
 The elaboration feels somewhat incomplete, primarily because the
sentences are brief.
Copyright © 2006 Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction. All rights reserved
Elaboration Score of 2
Student A Revision (Post- instruction)
Dear Mr. Marsh:
To improve our school, we should have an aerobics class for the girls at
Ebersoll High School. For this year in our curriculum, there are only two
possible electives, and all those classes have boys who don’t want to play
sports with girls. The girls, who are just about half the school, need a place
to exercise where we don’t have to listen to teasing and put downs. We
need more of a chance to work on our own fitness. In a recent survey,
85% of girls at Ebersoll reported feeling out of shape and not fit. Also, 40%
said they were almost always tired.
The only classes we can take in PE are weight training and team sports.
And who likes lifting weights next to the usually sweaty boys? Not me.
Also, I don’t like to play crab soccer, pickle ball, softball, or basketball.
Speaking of basketball, do I really want to play basketball against boys who
are a foot taller than me and can reach the basket if they jump? Do I really
want to lose every day? The PE teachers, who are all men, think playing
HORSE is exercise, and it’s not, especially since only a few kids can play
at a time.
So what’s the answer? Mrs. Kimber, who teaches word processing,
wants to teach aerobics and she used to be a dancer, so she could show
us some dance moves in aerobics class. I’ve seen her looking bored in
class, and she probably needs more variety in her life.
Aerobics would be a popular class and it would make the girls excited
about PE, not to mention physically fit. They have an aerobics class for
girls at Bingham High School and it’s very popular. It would be popular
here too, and show that you care about the girls. So please take my
suggestions and do it soon, like next semester.
Alisha
Grade 10
Annotation
 The writer uses a number of types of elaboration, including statistics. (In
a recent survey, 85% of girls at Ebersoll reported feeling out of shape
and not fit. Also, 40% said they were almost always tired.).
Copyright © 2006 Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction. All rights reserved
 The writer considers the interests of the principal by including statistics
and concern for the needs of the word processing teacher (I’ve seen her
looking bored in class, so she probably needs more variety in her life.).
 The writer uses elaboration within sentences (in our curriculum,… who
are just about half the school…).
 The writer creates adequate layers of elaboration with multiple, related
sentences (Also, I don’t like to play crab soccer, pickle ball, softball, or
basketball. Speaking of basketball, do I really want to play basketball
against boys who are a foot taller than me and can reach the basket if
they jump? Do I really want to lose every day?). The sentences are
related to each other more like a row of dominoes than in a hierarchy.
 The elaboration feels mostly complete and even.
Elaboration Score of 3
Copyright © 2006 Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction. All rights reserved