Do secular counseling
resources have a place in the
Church?
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Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
What people desire
most from their
parents, they will
desire from their
spourse?
Pre-marital couples tend to
prefer this DVD series.
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Gender differences.
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Impact of family
background.
Men are From Mars
Women are from Venus
John Gray
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Publication: April 1, 1992.
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7 million copies sold.
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121 weeks on best-sellers’ list.
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Of counseled couples in this program, only 10%
have eventually ended their marriages.
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Extremely effective in my own counseling.
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Keep in mind, John Gray claims an
amazing track record of success.
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Of counseled couples in this program, only
10% have eventually ended their
marriages.
Never referenced at the Sem
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Once upon a time, Martians and Venusians met
and had happy relationships, and accepted their
differences. Then amnesia set in and forgot
they were from different planets.
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Men expected women to communicate like men.
Women expected men to communicate like
women.
Introduction by John Gray
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A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my
wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted.
Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had
been torn in the delivery and was taking
painkillers. She could barely walk.
Introduction
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After five days of staying home to help, I went
back to work. She seemed to be getting better.
While I was away she ran out of pain pills.
Instead of calling me at the office, she asked
one of my brothers, who was visiting, to
purchase more. My brother, however, did not
return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the
whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.
Introduction
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I had no idea that her day had been so awful.
When I returned home she was very upset. I
misinterpreted the cause of her distress and
thought she was blaming me. She said, "I've
been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I've been
stranded in bed and nobody cares!" I said
defensively, "Why didn't you call me?"
Introduction
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At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very
short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called
me. I was furious that she was blaming me when
I didn't even know she was in pain. After
exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the
door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard
enough. We had both reached our limits.
Introduction
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Then something started to happen that would
change my life. Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't
leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in
pain. I haven't slept in days. Please listen to
me."
Introduction
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She said, "John Gray, you're a fair-weather
friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you
are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk
right out that door." Then she paused, and her
eyes filled up with tears.
Introduction
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As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in
pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need
you the most. Please, come over here and hold
me. You don't have to say anything. I just need
to feel your arms around me. Please don't go."
Introduction
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I walked over and silently held her. She wept in
my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me
for not leaving. She told me that she just needed
to feel me holding her.
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Men achieve and
want to feel they have
a valuable and
needed purpose.
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Men come out of their
caves (where they
want to learn to work
out problems on their
own) and want
something more.
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Men want to know
that they have a
needed purpose to a
specific, individual
soul.
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Men achieve and
want to feel they have
a valuable and
needed purpose.
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They get telescopes
and observe beautiful
creatures on another
planet. They desire
to have a special
needed purpose by
them.
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The Venetians treasure
relationships over
accomplishments.
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The Venetians love to
feel cherished. They
love to feel cherished
by the Martians, even
though it may be a
superficial at first.
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It is important to remember that men and women
have reciprocally different natures.
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Men and women need to appreciate these
differences, and cease expecting each other to
act and feel the way they do.
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Both might know English but do not understand
how to communicate to each other in marriage.
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Men love to have their abilities recognized and
appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or
ignored; women love to have their feelings
recognized and appreciated (being cherished),
and hate to have them scorned or ignored.
Women are emotionally driven
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It is in the DNA.
A women’s memory is 10 times more powerful if
it is tied to an emotional trigger. For instance, a
woman can remember what you are wearing
because of emotional triggers with the
appearance of the clothing.
A woman has a much harder time forgetting a
traumatic event or a fight with a spouse because
of the emotions tied to it.
Men are achievement driven
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It is in the DNA.
A misconception is that boys are slower
learners. Boys naturally project energy
outwards (achievement based).
Example. More men than women tend to be
mathematicians and mechanics? Why?
Problem solving and achievement driven
personalities are ingrained.
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Men like to work on their own (to achieve
competence), and prove and exercise their
abilities by solving problems quickly and
singlehandedly; women like to co-operate, and
exercise their feelings through interactive
communication with one another.
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For men – The goal is the goal.
For women – Feeling cherished along the way is
the goal.
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Men value solutions, and view unsolicited
assistance as undermining their effort to solve
problems alone; women value relationships, and
view unsolicited solutions as undermining their
effort to proceed interactively.
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Men desire that their solutions will be
appreciated; women desire that their assistance
will be appreciated.
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Women naturally improve the details of their
surroundings and will inherently try to include
men in these efforts.
Example
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Two men sit on a couch and watch a football
game together. They have nothing in common
but problem solve and strive towards a goal
together. They have bonded.
Example
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Two women watch the same game…
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What will they be doing to bond?
Example
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So man and woman go running together.
The man is focused on time, pace, getting in
shape, beating previous times, etc.
The woman wants to slow down because the
heavy pace keeps them from visiting.
Both become frustrated.
BUT – Both are driven by innate desires of being
man and woman.
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When faced with tough problems, men become
non-communicative so they can work out how
best to help themselves, while women become
communicative to find personal support from
others and know they are continually cherished.
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Men like to demonstrate their abilities by being
allowed freedom to solve problems without
interference; women like to demonstrate their
feelings by being allowed to relate problems
without interference.
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Most often, men will only ask for help when
needed.
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Men will only want to ask help from those they
respect and they feel will help accomplish the
goal at hand.
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Frustration or aggression arises in men when
others interrupt the process or tell them what to
do while performing a task that they have
assured themselves that they are competent
accomplishing or that they can eventually solve
on their own.
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Aggression especially arises if advice makes the
task more difficult to perform.
A message is sent that they are not adequate
(NOT NEEDED) for role or the task at hand.
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Men love to feel needed. Think of how
superheroes are especially admired by men or
boys. Men need to know they have special and
needed role.
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They love to have their abilities recognized and
appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or
ignored; women love to have their feelings
recognized and appreciated, and hate to have
them scorned or ignored.
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When men do communicate, they tend to get to
the point, and generally only want to listen if they
feel the conversation has a point (problem
solved); women enjoy talking for its own sake,
and are happy to listen unconditionally.
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Notice none of this is bad in and of itself. A man
needs to know that in the woman’s life he fills a
valuable place to her. A woman wants to know
that she is cherished and is valuable to the man.
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The problems arises in how these innate desires
are communicated.
Why Might a Man be Silent
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Again, men like to sort their thoughts out before
communicating them, and have the tendency to
become distant and non-communicative as they
ponder their concerns. At this time, a woman
needs reassurance that her partner still rates her
as worthy of being taken care of.
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Women like to sort their thoughts out in the
process of communicating them, and have the
tendency to pour forth a litany of general
grievances as they relate their concerns. Both
must try to avoid feeling personally to blame
when their partners are dealing with problems.
The wisdom of coming back to it.
Various Caves - Introspection
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Exercise. Effective?
Newspaper. Effective?
Garage. Effective?
Hobby. Effective?
Leather chair. Effective?
News. Effective?
Action movie. Effective?
Sports. Effective?
In moderation, these caves are not harmful but
extremely healthy.
In excess, these caves can be harmful.
Various Caves
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If a man does not have a healthy cave, he will
resort to unhealthy ones.
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Chemicals.
Alcohol.
Pornography.
Eruptive anger and aggression.
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In cases of male depression, a counselor and
counselee must ask what the healthy releases
(caves) are and if the cycle of the cave is being
disrupted.
Male Depression
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Although it is not the only reason, many men
suffer depression and anxiety because they do
not permit themselves caves.
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Too often, however, he is not left alone. His
Venusian wife, misunderstanding his Martian
need to spend time in his cave and
misinterpreting his retreat as a rejection of her,
counters by pressing a load of intimacy on him
at the very moment he is most unwilling (and
unable) to receive it.
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Granted, there is a legitimate problem if the cave
is used excessively. Generally, the rubber band
will stretch back to the woman and she will find
him warm and receptive after he has effectively
processed the details of life in proper
perspective.
Men are Caves,
Women are Waves
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Women, on the other hand, are like waves. At
one moment a woman will be filled with love and
praise for her husband and positive about their
life together. At the next, she will suddenly fall
into an emotional well and speak in hyperbolic
terms about how terrible her life is and how tired
and worn out she feels.
Ups and Downs
When she is down and doesn’t
feel she gives enough or has
any more to give…
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In response, her husband feels rejected and
attempts to talk her out of her depression. He
can’t. She needs to go through this cycle.
The wife does not need or desire to have her
emotional stress explained away rationally. What
she needs is simply to be held and understood,
affirmed, cherished, and validated.
Values
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Men like to offer solutions directly to women,
when a problem arises, while women, offer
unsolicited advice.
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When men do this, it invalidates the women’s
feelings, and men do not like to be “told what
to do”, especially if they didn’t ask for advice.
How women perceive
the pulling away
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Being extremely perceptive,,a woman KNOWS
when the rubber band pulls a man back (even
though she does not understand it) and may feel
it is personal rejection. If a woman understands
these natural processes at work, she can
understand that she can actually use it to her
advantage (1) to utilize friendships and family
during these times; (2) to love her husband in
assisting him through this; and, (3) to be assured
her husband will return more able to cherish and
embrace her.
What if the rubber band pulls when
a woman is in a low trough
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A man will endure unresolved stress if he does
not allow the rubber band to pull back. It is in his
nature.
A woman will feel defeated if she is not
cherished during a trough. There are two
possible solutions. The man delays the rubber
band for a time longer. Or the woman seeks
other healthy support. Gray believes that this is
best for the woman because her husband is also
at a point where he can not provide the full
empathy that she desires and needs.
Resolving Conflict
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Questions.
Expressing feelings in non-threatening way.
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If the trash was taken out, it would make me happy.
Never pose criticisms.
Never pose imperatives.
Men want to FEEL NEEDED and can focus that
on a marriage.
Women want to know they are CHERISHED and
can maximize that in cherishing the man.
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Example.
Woman comes home and wants to talk about
her stressful day. To deal with the stress, she
______________ through it.
The programming of the man (who loves his
wife) causes him to pause and sort things
through. He feels he is problem solving for her
because he cares for her.
The woman is upset. Why doesn’t he affirm her
the second she is finished speaking?
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The man becomes upset. He is problem solving
because he care. Why doesn’t his wife
understand that? Why isn’t she grateful that he
does want to help solve her problem?
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When the man does speak, he tries to fix her
problem.
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The woman is upset again. She does not need
to be fixed, but affirmed and cherished.
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She is noticeably upset.
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The man feels un-needed and consequently
hurt. He can not understand why his efforts to
care for her are not met with appreciation.
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The man desires to withdraw to his cave all the
more.
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The woman feels this withdrawal, feels
uncherished, and pursues.
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With the pursuit, the man feels crticized that he
has not done enough. He feels un-needed and
inadequate. This hurts him. He wants to
withdraw to his cave all the more for
introspection and retrospection. It is in his
nature.
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The mutual hurt compounds upon itself.
Keep in mind why there is hurt
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They HURT for the fact that they DO CARE!!!!!
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The man wants to be there for her. The woman
wants to be cherished by him.
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The couple misunderstands the underlying
principals of their genders at work in them.
Review the Opening Illustration
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Bonnie wanted affirmation. A woman would
have known exactly what to do.
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John had a stressful day. He was also
exhausted and in need of his cave. He was at
his lowest point to be affirmative. Regardless,
he tried to show that he wanted to fix the
situation because he cared for Bonnie.
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Bonnie did not want to be fixed, but validated.
Review the Opening Illustration
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Seeing Bonnie upset, John felt that he was
inadequate and failed at being needed and
having purpose in the marriage.
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Feeling hurt by Bonnie, John erupted in anger.
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Bonnie then got it right. She directed John to
the truth that she merely wanted to be
cherished. His desire to be needed could be redirected to effectively serving a woman –
Affirmation.
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Deep inside every man there is a hero or a
knight in shining armor. More than anything, he
wants to succeed in serving and protecting the
woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is
able to tap into this noble part of himself. He
becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel
trusted he loses some of his aliveness and
energy, and after a while he can stop caring.
Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling
through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a
woman crying out in distress. In an instant he
comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he
races to her castle, where she is trapped by a
dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and
slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly
received by the princess.
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He is invited to live in the town and us
acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess
fall in love.A month later the noble knight goes
off on another trip. On his way back, he hears
his beloved princess crying out for help. Another
dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight
arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.
Before he swings, the princess cries out from the
tower, "don't use your sword, use this noose. It
will work better.“ She throws him the noose and
motions to him instructions about how to use it.
He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps
it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard.
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The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the
celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't
really do anything. Somehow, because he used
her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't
quite feel worthy of the town's trust and
admiration. After the event he is slightly
depressed and forgets to shine his armor. A
month later, he goes on yet another trip.
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As he leaves with his sword, the princess
reminds him to be careful and tells him to take
the noose. On his way home, he sees yet
another dragon attacking the castle. This time he
rushes forward with his sword but hesitates,
thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that
moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire
and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up
and sees his princess waving from the castle
window. “Use the poison," she yells. "the noose
doesn't work.“ She throws him the poison,
which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the
dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates,
but the knight feels ashamed. A month later, he
goes on another trip.
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With a burst of renewed confidence he throws
off the noose and poison and charges the
dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the
dragon and the townspeople rejoice. The knight
in shining armor never returned to his princess.
He stayed in this new village and lived happily
ever after. He eventually married, but only after
making sure his new partner knew nothing about
nooses and poisons. Remembering that within
every man is a knight in shining armor is a
powerful metaphor to help you remember a
man's primary needs. Although a man may
appreciate caring and assistance sometimes,
too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn
him off.
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But the reality is that the knight did fill a very
important and vital part of the life of the first
princess, but it was never communicated
properly!
John Gray’s Personal Example
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While travelling, he forgot his passport.
His wife used to… (What could be negative).
His wife said… (What could be positive).
She made him feel solution based and able to
overcome difficulty.
John felt appreciated.
SPOUSES ARE NEVER PERFECT. ACCEPT
THIS AND MOST OF THE BATTLE IS WON.
LOOK FOR WHAT CAN BE HONESTLY
AFFIRMED.
Motivation
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Men feel motivated
when they feel needed
and appreciated.
Women are
motivated when they
feel cherished.
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Oxytocin
Oxytocin raises
testosterone in men.
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Oxytocin raises
estrogen in women.
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Intimacy
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A man gets close, but then
inevitably needs to pull away
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Women need to understand this,
and understand that when he
retreats, he will swing back like a
rubber band
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To stop communication degenerating into
arguments, men should strive to listen without
getting defensive, and women should try to
express their feelings without criticizing their
partners.
Men and Women
Keep Score
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Men think that one Big gift or
sacrifice, balances many little
signs of affection.
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Ex. $200 gift = 20 acts of love or service.
Women put equal values on each loving
act.
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Ex. $200 gift = 1 act of love or service.
Men and Women
Keep Score
The danger for men is to think
that gifts and sacrifices need to
Previous ones. They will reach a
plateau of inactivity where they feel limited
to do something bigger than before.
The reality is that a rose every week means
more than a diamond or big trip once a year.
A brief note on homosexuality
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When a man or woman feel that they are
incapable of a relationship with the opposite sex,
men tend to become more feminine and women
more masculine.
After all, men and women already do not
naturally know how to communicate with other.
The deck is stacked against them to begin with.
Honest Critique
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I personally believe there should be a
footnote on men’s caves. In my
experience with young husbands, these
caves are often over-used and abused.
They become a chief priority over
marriage. This is why I believe Jimmy
Evan’s DVD set (Marriage on the Rock) is
a wonderful complement.
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The DVD is excellent for counseling and
serving as a Bible Study complement.
Only use the first, shorter DVD. The
second digresses into health foods and
supplements for low testosterone and low
estrogen.