Strengthening the Family
COMMUNICATION
&
MENTORING
Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSW
Child & Youth Services Coordinator
Family & Children Services of
Midland
Objectives for the day
 We will
 Learn about effective communication skills
 Explore effective mentoring skills for our family as well as
neighbors and friends
 Share a few good stories
 Laugh a lot
A Father’s Story
 I met with a couple who presented the following facts
at our initial session as messages from the wife to the
husband:





We have a problem
I have known for almost 3 months
Our 17 year old daughter is pregnant
You need to be prepared, she is going to tell you tonight, I
wasn’t supposed to tell the secret
The babies father is of a different race
So what is the problem?
 Begin with a problem
 Trust issues
 The real dilemma
 What you must now do
 More shock
What was the outcome?
 The young couple finds a strong
faith based support network
 Daughter marries and has 2 more
children with the babies father
 They really struggle with low
paying jobs
 They are still married 8 years later,
but the parents are divorced
What are the lessons learned?
 There are basic elements in a relationship that need
to be cultivated in order to strengthen our families
7
Don't judge each
day by the harvest
you reap but by
the seeds that you
plant.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSW
Family Travel guide
 Planning for a great trip/family vacation
 Avoiding tourist traps/problems
 What destination would you like to go to? A place
that you have never been before.
 Where do you seek guidance from?
Our Family Trip Advisor
 We value the experience of those who have been
there before, walked in similar shoes, they have
wisdom and understanding
Basic Communication Skills
 Oral – the words, tone,
emphasis with emotional
underpinnings
 Written – clear, to the point,
edited
 Non-verbal – the hidden
message, congruency,
connection to the words
Why do we communicate?
 Control
 Motivation
 Emotional Expression
 Information
Two Basic Human Needs
 1. A sense of control in one’s life: the less control one
has, the more likely they are to go out of control to
try and regain control. The less power one feels they
have, the more likely they are to lose it with others.
Uprisings are from not having enough “say so” over
one’s existence.
Two Basic Human Needs
 2. To be understood on our own terms; everyone
wants and needs to be heard. If you give them
understanding, they will tell you what hurts, what
they need and often be able to see a solution to the
issue.
 Listen first,
then seek to understand.
Why we need to listen
 Discern what the speaker needs/wants
 Encourage communication
 Understand, clarify
 Gain new information, knowledge
 Understand feelings as well as content
 Gain trust, credibility
 Show empathy
 Develop rapport
The most precious gift we can offer anyone is
our attention.
15
Thich Nhat Hanh
Kim J. Sumerix, MA, LLMSW
 “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; it is
also what it takes to sit down and listen.” – Winston
Churchill
 Watch for body language and facial expressions that
indicate good engagement or that perhaps it is time
to move on with the topic.
Be present
 “Mindfulness means paying attention, on purpose, to
one’s own thoughts, feelings and judgments . . It is
the practice of being fully present in our attention to
where we are, what we are doing, and what is
happening at the moment.”

(Epstein, 2001)
Invite the Fight
 We have ways to invite doors to be closed…
 “YOU” statements create a sense of defensiveness and begin
to build walls between people
 Questions are a form of interrogation most often used by
lawyers and police, how does that work in a family?
 Commands emphasize control and can create a subversive
approach to problem solving
“I” statements
 I cannot argue with what my partner thinks,
feels, wants, or perceives as long as they say it
with an “I” statement.





I want…….
I need………
I feel………
I wish………..
I believe………..
Where is our Focus?
Problem oriented
Solution oriented
 Looking back
 Looking forward
 Old wounds from the
 Searching for answers
past
 Whine & complain
 Negative
 Sit & wait approach
 Brainstorming
 Positive
 Action approach
Frontal Lobes
Executive Functions
Voluntary Movement
Judgment
Emotional regulation
Problem solving
Decisions
Planning
Creativity
Limbic System
“Emotional Center of the Brain”
We know we are here when
someone throws a fit, yells,
cries or show aggressive
body language
Brain Stem
“Survival” (examples: reflexes, vital signs)
No thought takes place
here and we are right next
to the RAGE part of the
brain, just barely above
COMA
Teach during the calm!
 Only when someone is thinking can real learning
take place, brainstorming can happen and solutions
can be found.
The family is a system
 The family is more than the
collection of each of the individuals
within it
 The family has an identity of it’s
own, beyond the scope of each
personal member
 The family members operate
differently within the family than
they do when they are on their own
(at school, work or play)
Keeping the lid on?
 Families with long-
lasting, poor
communication become
like a ‘pressure cooker’
that will eventually blow!
Marriage Helpers
 Mentors
 Vitamins for marriage
 Counselors
 Penicillin/medicine for marriage
 Attorneys
 Surgery/amputation for marriage
 To be avoided wherever possible
My Role Model
 Think of a couple in your
life who has been a good
role model of a healthy,
happy marriage.
 List key words to describe
this couple.
Stressors for the family
 Engaged & decision to marry
 Newlywed
 The birth of a child
 Children entering school
 Preteens becoming teenagers
 Launching adult children from the nest
 Couples entering midlife and retirement
 Remarriage
A Team Approach
 How do we measure success?
 Create a family atmosphere
 Expectations are clear
 Emotions are honest
 Let others do their work
 We have influence –not control
What is mentoring?
 The mentoring relationship is “one of the most
complex and developmentally important” in a
persons life.
 The mentor will . . . “assist and facilitate the
realization of the dream.”
Teach
Guide
Advise
Coach
Role Model
Concepts of mentoring
 Proactive - start marriage encouragement, support, &




conversations before there are major problems
Simple - for the average healthy couple in the community
to do with minimal training necessary
Fun - eating and sharing stories with an encouraging
purpose - Engaging men. . . “Guy-Friendly Marriage
Activity”
Practical - support for couples as they face new stages &
adjustments in marriage - especially at new stages &
transition points
Respectful - of cultures - less focus on just “middle class”
marriage.
Mentors are:
 Companions on the journey
 Good listeners
 Fully present
 Peer supporters
 Referral sources
 Providers of coping strategies
 Promoters of staff/parent partnerships
 Role models
Mentoring skills
 Active listening
 Shared personal stories
 Open ended questions
 Suggestions from other’s life stories
 Congruency of words and actions
 Honest feedback, even if you do not agree
 Validation of parents as positive people
Mentoring is not…
 Counseling or teaching a marriage course.
 Taking sides or fixing couples.
 Parenting couples.
 “Telling all” or relating discouraging stories from
marriage.
 Telling jokes about a spouse or making comments at
his or her expense.
 A chauffeur, babysitter, messenger, caregiver.
We are…….
 NOT a perfect person.
 NOT in a perfect
marriage.
 NOT trained to be
counselors.
 NOT to take responsibility
for solving the mentored
couple’s problems.
 NOT to have “THE”
answers.
We are PRACTICING!
Keep it Simple!
 Sharing our happiness
 Sharing our commitment
 Giving to others - a form of sacrifice
 Connecting with community. . .
Responsible Mentors…
 Investment - time, energy and attention
to this relationship.
 Service - personal sharing by mentors is
done in the service of the mentored
couple’s growth, adjustment, and
welfare.
 Safety/Security - provide an
atmosphere that reduces anxiety and
promotes the freedom of the mentees to
share their stories.
Potential family issues
 Personal issues
 Mental health
 Workplace challenges
 Coping and acceptance
 Marriage and financial challenges
 Substance abuse issues
 Stress and anxiety
 Nutrition and dietary challenges
 Practical every day issues
Mentors can nurture by:
 Sending notes of encouragement or calling.
 Keeping in touch by telephone or e-mail.
Family tips
 Create a family calendar, who is where, when and
what is going on.
 Plan for family meals – be together without
distractions, make it positive, communicate.
 Family meetings to discuss issues, plans and checkup
on how the family is doing (1-10).
Discussion ideas for families












Thankfulness
Healthy Marriage Habits: Showing Our Love for Each Other
In-law Relationships: Making Our Life Together
Recreation & Playfulness
Money in Marriage
Communication
Problem Solving
Balancing Acts: Marriage, Family, Community, and Work
Children
Friendship, Closeness, and Intimacy
Planning for Our Future
Celebrating the Holidays
Games of the Year
"You can discover more
about a person in an hour of
play than in a year of
conversation."
- Plato, Greek philosopher
Crisis work
1.
Listen effectively. Give your full attention. Make sure
you understand what is being communicated. Provide a
supportive presence.
2.
Be nonjudgmental. People in trouble need an ally, not
an evaluation.
 Clarify the essential dilemma. Identify the problem, the
meaning the person is making of the problem, and what is
needed to resolve the problem.
 Set specific goals. Agree on who will take what action
toward achieving them.
 Determine available resources and how to mobilize them.
Refer your couple to a professional if needed.
 Determine your availability and assistance. Share what
you can do for your family.
 Provide nurturing, support, and TLC. People need
comfort during difficult times.
 Offer hope, encouragement, and praise. Expect a
successful outcome.
Where are you now?
 It is my sincere hope that there is at least one thing
that might be useful in your personal life, that will
allow you to become a better mentor for those
around you.

What did you like about our topic today?

What point do you find most interesting or useful today?