Attraction and Intimacy
Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and
Loving Others
Do Birds of a Feather Flock Together
– or Do Opposites Attract???
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Handouts: Table of Contents
Attraction and Intimacy
• Milius, S. (2003). Beast buddies: Do animals
have friends?
• Ranie, L. & Madden, M. Not looking for love:
The state of romance in America.
• Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
• Pennebaker, J. W., et al. (1982). Don’t the girls
get prettier at closing time. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin
• Ugly Betty: You-Go-Girl (blog)
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Friend – someone with whom we have an
affectionate relationship
• Affiliation motive – desire to be near others and
have pleasant interactions
• Goals of Affiliative Behavior
–
–
–
–
Social support (link to physical health)
Getting information (Social Comparison Theory)
Gaining status
Exchanging material benefits
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Proximity (functional
distance not geographical)
– Interaction
• Availability of options
• Anticipatory liking
– Mere exposure
© Paul Lau
© Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp
© Rick Smolan/Stock Boston
© David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.
• Research on favorite numbers and
letters of alphabet
• Zajonc – we like familiar people
– Mirror image research
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Physical attractiveness
– Attractiveness and dating
– The matching phenomenon
• Tendency to choose partners
that are a good “match”
• Equal attractiveness or other
compensatory qualities
• Asset matching hypothesis
© Paul Lau
© Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp
© Rick Smolan/Stock Boston
© David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.
– i.e. Paul McCartney and
Heather Mills
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Physical attractiveness
– The physical-attractiveness
stereotype
• Beauty is good phenomenon
• Bart Simpson effect – homely
children are less capable and
socially competent
• Impacts first impressions
(including job interviews)
• SLIGHT differences between
attractive and unattractive
individuals probably b/c of self
fulfilling prophesy (i.e.
development of more social
confidence, etc.)
• “Ugly Betty”
© Paul Lau
© Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp
© Rick Smolan/Stock Boston
© David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Physical attractiveness
Who/What is attractive?
• Gender Differences
• STRONG agreement within
and between cultures
• To be really attractive is to be
perfectly average (familiarity)
• Contrast Effect
• Dutton and Aron (1974)
• “Don’t the Girls Get Prettier at
Closing Time” (Availability of
Options)
© Paul Lau
© Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp
© Rick Smolan/Stock Boston
© David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Body Self-Esteem
Attraction and Intimacy
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Friendships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Similarity versus
complementarity
– Do birds of a feather flock
together?
– Do opposites attract?
• Liking those who like
us
– Attribution
– Self-esteem and attraction
– Gaining another’s esteem
• Relationship Rewards
– Reward theory of
attraction
– Liking by association
• Ostracism
– Inherent dislike (and
other psychological
effects) of being
shunned
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
LONELINESS
Attraction and Intimacy
Self
Perpetuating
Cycle of
Loneliness
Discomfort
Around Others
Avoidance of
Others and
Unappealing
Behaviors
Self
Defeating
Thoughts
Other People
Begin to Avoid
the Person
Negative
Interpersonal
Behavior
Depression
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Attraction and Intimacy
Friendship vs. Love – Is there really a
difference?
• 1.Enjoyment—Friends enjoy
each other’s company most of
the time.
• 2. Acceptance—Friends accept
each other as they are and do
not attempt to make the other
into a different person.
• 3. Trust—Each assumes the
other will act in light of his or
her friend’s best interest.
• 4. Respect—Friends respect
each other in the sense of
assuming that each exercises
good judgment in making life
choices.
• 5. Confiding—They share
experiences and feelings with
each other.
• 6. Understanding—They have a
sense of what the other values
and why the friend does what
he or she does.
• 7. Spontaneity—Each feels free
to be himself or herself in the
relationship.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Love
Passionate love
Attraction and Intimacy
– “A state of intense longing for union
with another”
– Variations in love
• Cultural
• Men fall quicker in love, and slower out
of love – also tend to focus on playful
and physical elements of relationship
• Women more likely to report euphoria
and to focus on the intimacy involved
and well being of the other
Companionate love
– “Affection we feel for those whom our
lives are intertwined”
© Joe Polillio
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
The Difference:
Attraction and Intimacy
• PASSION
• CARING
• Fascination—Lovers are
preoccupied with each other
and tend to think about each
other even when they should be
involved in other activities.
• Exclusiveness—Lovers have a
special relationship that
precludes having the same
relationship with a third party.
• Sexual desire—Lovers want
physical intimacy with the
partner.
• Giving the utmost—Lovers care
enough to give the utmost when
the other is in need, sometimes
to the point of extreme selfsacrifice.
• Being a champion advocate—
The depth of caring is reflected
in the lovers’ active
championship of each other’s
interest and in a positive
attempt to make sure that the
partner succeeds.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Attraction and Intimacy
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Passion
Attraction and Intimacy
• “The drive that leads to romance, physical
attraction, sexual consummation, and
related phenomena”
• Characteristics
– Tends to occur at beginning of relationship
– Peaks quickly
– Reduces to a stable level as a result of
habituation
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Intimacy
Attraction and Intimacy
• “Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and
bondedness in loving relationships”
• Characteristics:
– Peaks slower than passion
– Gradually reduces to low levels of manifest
intimacy
– Changes in circumstances activate this level to return it to
previous levels and above
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Commitment
Attraction and Intimacy
• “the decision that one loves someone else
and….the commitment to maintain that love”
• Characteristics:
– Rises relatively slowly at first
– Eventually speeds up before leveling off
– Where relationships fail: Commitment decreases
gradually descending back toward baseline
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Attraction and Intimacy
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
KIND OF PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
LOVE
Attraction and Intimacy
NONLOVE
-
-
-
LIKING
-
X
-
INFATUATION
X
-
-
EMPTY
-
-
X
ROMANTIC
X
X
-
COMPANIONATE
-
X
X
FATUOUS
X
-
X
CONSUMATE
X
X
X
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Liking
Attraction and Intimacy
• Sternberg says that this intimate liking
characterizes true friendships, in which a
person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a
closeness with another but not intense
passion or long-term commitment.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
KIND OF PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
LOVE
Attraction and Intimacy
NONLOVE
-
-
-
LIKING
-
X
-
INFATUATION
X
-
-
EMPTY
-
-
X
ROMANTIC
X
X
-
COMPANIONATE
-
X
X
FATUOUS
X
-
X
CONSUMATE
X
X
X
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Infatuated Love
Attraction and Intimacy
• Infatuated love is often what is felt as “love
at first sight". But without the intimacy and
the commitment components of love,
infatuated love may disappear suddenly.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
KIND OF PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
LOVE
Attraction and Intimacy
NONLOVE
-
-
-
LIKING
-
X
-
INFATUATION
X
-
-
EMPTY
-
-
X
ROMANTIC
X
X
-
COMPANIONATE
-
X
X
FATUOUS
X
-
X
CONSUMATE
X
X
X
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Empty Love
Attraction and Intimacy
• Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into
empty love, in which the commitment
remains, but the intimacy and passion have
died. In cultures in which arranged
marriages are common, relationships often
begin as empty love.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
KIND OF PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
LOVE
Attraction and Intimacy
NONLOVE
-
-
-
LIKING
-
X
-
INFATUATION
X
-
-
EMPTY
-
-
X
ROMANTIC
X
X
-
COMPANIONATE
-
X
X
FATUOUS
X
-
X
CONSUMATE
X
X
X
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Romantic and Companionate Love
Attraction and Intimacy
• Romantic love: Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally
(as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal.
• Companionate love is often found in marriages in which
the passion has gone out of the relationship, but a deep
affection and commitment remain. It is stronger than
friendship because of the extra element of commitment.
The love ideally shared between family members is a form
of companionate love, as is the love between deep friends
or those who spend a lot of time together in any asexual
but friendly relationship.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
KIND OF PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
LOVE
Attraction and Intimacy
NONLOVE
-
-
-
LIKING
-
X
-
INFATUATION
X
-
-
EMPTY
-
-
X
ROMANTIC
X
X
-
COMPANIONATE
-
X
X
FATUOUS
X
-
X
CONSUMATE
X
X
X
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Fatuous and Consummate Love
Attraction and Intimacy
• Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind
courtship and marriage in which a commitment is
motivated largely by passion, without the
stabilizing influence of intimacy.
• Consummate love is the complete form of love,
representing the ideal relationship toward which
many people strive but which apparently few
achieve.
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Maintaining Close Relationships
• Attachment
Attraction and Intimacy
– Secure versus
avoidant/insecure
attachment
• Equity
– What you get out of a
relationship should be
equal to what is put in
• Self-disclosure
– Revealing intimate
aspects to your partner
© Rob Nelson/Black Star
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Ending Relationships
Attraction and Intimacy
• Who divorces?
• The detachment process
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Body Self-Esteem
Attraction and Intimacy
Copyright © 2005 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.