Relational Aggression Bullying in the Girl’s World
What is Conflict?
Conflict
 Normal
 Often not serious
 Equal emotional reaction
 Not seeking power or attention
 Not trying to attain something
 Remorseful; takes responsibility
 Effort to solve the problem
What is Bullying?
 Done on purpose
 Happens repeatedly
 Serious; threat of physical harm or emotional
or psychological hurt
 Seeking power or control
 Trying to attain material things or power
 No remorse; blames victim
 No effort to solve the problem
Bullying may result from…
 a sense of entitlement
 an intolerance toward difference
 a liberty to exclude, isolate and segregate a
person deemed not worthy of respect or care
Bullying is…
 A relationship problem that occurs between
two or more people where one person has
more power than the other
 To deal with relationship problems we must
use relationship solutions
Why focus on bullying?
 Persistent bullying can leave long-term scars on the
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victim
Students who bully others are likely to engage in
other anti-social or delinquent behaviours
Bullying contributes to a negative social climate
Bullying is a widespread problem amongst school
children
Role rehearsal for adulthood
New legislation
Bill 157
Because we CARE…
Relational aggression is like…
Odd Girl Out ~ Rachel Simmons
 Bullying in girls peaks
between ages 10- 14
 By middle childhood most
relational aggressors are girls
 There is a hidden culture
amongst girls in which
bullying is an epidemic
 Our culture refuses girls
access to open conflict, and it
forces their aggression into
non physical, indirect and
covert forms
Society’s Gender Roles
 Western society still expects boys to become
family providers and girls to be nurturers
 Females are expected to mature into caregivers;
a role deeply at odds with aggression
 Boys’ popularity is rooted in their toughness,
athletic prowess and resistance to authority
 Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity
Aggression in Girls
 Girls not immune to aggression but express
anger in unconventional ways
 When aggression cannot be directed at the
target, the perpetrator has to find other
channels
 Cultural rules against typical forms of
aggression lead girls to engage in other, nonphysical forms
Girls and Aggression ~ What we see
 Girls attack within tightly knitted networks of
friends
 Girls fight with body language and
relationships instead of fists
 Non-physical aggression is seen as a rite of
passage for girls and a natural phase of their
development
 Schools often simply write off girls aggression
as this rite of passage and it often goes
unchecked
Understanding the
Girls’ World
 Girls are typically social beings with their
identity gained within social groups
Relational Aggression is:
 Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within
social relationships or friendship groups
 Main form of bullying used by girls (Girl
Bullying)
“It’s all fun and games…”
What Girls Do
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Back biting
Exclusion
Rumours
Gossip
Name calling
Manipulative affection
Inflict psychological pain
Cut eye and other hurtful
forms of body language
 Aliance building
 Cyber Bullying
Motivation for Relational Aggression
 Fear
 Power
 Control
 Popularity
 Security
 Competition
 Jealousy
 Retaliation
Roles within the
Girls’ Social Group
 Queen Bee – holds all the power
 Sidekick – allows herself to be controlled by the
Bee
 Wannabe – like the name implies
 Gossiper – using info to gain power
 Floater – moves in and out of groups
 Target – receiver of violence and/or threats
 Bystander – witness who feels caught in the
middle
The Queen Bee
 Also known as the alpha
girls
 Person who chooses to hurt
or damage a relationship
 Most often false, over-
confident and loud
 Friends do what she wants
 Defines right/wrong by
loyalty to friendship
 Doesn’t take responsibility
for hurting others
 Often charming to adults
The Sidekick
 Second to the Queen
Bee but can also be a
target
 Supports Queen; mirror
image of the queen
 Feels the Queen is the
boss and allows herself
to be pushed around
 Will listen to Queen re:
dressing, thinking,
talking
 Will lie for Queen
The Wannabe
 Other girls’ opinions and
wants are more important
than hers
 She can’t tell the difference
between what she wants
and what the group wants
 Desperate for the “right” look
(clothes, hair, etc.).
 Feels better about herself
when others come to her for
help, advice
 Loves to gossip---phone and
email are vital to her
Words Hurt……
The Gossip
 Extremely secretive; good communicator; gives the
impression of being a good listener and trustworthy
 Seems to be friends with everyone; needs to be
admired and important
 Seemingly nice; uses confidential info to gain
popularity
 “Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”
The Floater
 Moves freely amongst
cliques; avoids conflicts
 Popular and nice; but
not TOO popular
 Has respect for others;
doesn’t try to influence
or exclude others
 Not competitive or
trying to win friends
The Target
 Often feels helpless to stop
others’ behaviours
 Feels excluded or like a
“loser”
 Often ridiculed by the
Queen and sidekicks
 Used and manipulated by
others
 Put down by others
 May look terrified
 Often walking alone or with
head down
The Torn Bystander
 Often finds herself
having to choose
between friends
 Accommodating
 Peacemaker---wants
everyone to get along
 Doesn’t stand up to
anyone she has conflict
with---goes along to get
along
The Cyber Bully
 Usually done, or at least
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planned, in a group
Done for entertainment
Occurs from a school
library, slumber party, or
from the family room
Grows when fed by group
admiration, cliques or by the
silence of others
Quickly dies if they don’t get
the entertainment value
they are seeking
Cyber Bullying ~ The Kitchen
Signs of Relational Aggression
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Sadness
Loneliness; isolation
Feelings of powerlessness
Inability to trust
Anger; frustration
Helplessness
Lower interest and performance in school
School avoidance
Somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches)
Eating disorders
Mood disorders
Self harm
Suicidal Ideations
What to Do?
Dr. Michelle Anthony, author of Little Mean Girls
Can Be Mean talk about a 4 Part Plan:
OBSERVE
CONNECT
GUIDE
SUPPORT HER TO ACT
The 4 Step Plan……
OBSERVE
Things to watch and listen for:
 She is being picked on/excluded
 Pattern of on/off again friendships
 Speaks negatively about certain
girls in a certain way
 Sudden marked change in mood
 Sudden withdrawl from favourite activities
 Changes in eating sleeping habits
 Avoiding certain social situations
The 4 Step Plan…….
CONNECT
 Important step
 Keep talking and lines of communication
open
 Assist with clarification of feelings (confusing)
 Empathize
Statements like….
“I notice when you come home……”
“Oh, I see. How does it feel when she says
those things to you…..”
“Tell me more about that……”
The 4 Step Plan
GUIDE
 Work as a team to generate some possible ways to
work through situation
 Refrain from “telling”
Some helpful ideas might include:
 Ways to expand her social circle (after
school activities, teams, clubs, drop in)
 Ask who the kids are that seem to
get along well with everyone
 BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL
 Role play
The 4 Step Plan
SUPPORT HER TO ACT
Once you have generated strategies for action:
 Allow her to choose
 Role play ahead of time
 Be there when she comes
back (listen, empower, guide)
 Overtime she will be a more “empowered”
person entering in to new social networks
 Strong, confident, resilient
Steps to Stop Mean Girls Behaviour
1. Get Educated
2. Know the Signs of the “Mean Girl
Scene”
3. Be Proactive
Be Proactive
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Teach conflict solving
Start with one ally
Broaden her experiences
Boost EMPATHY a
Don’t push too hard on being “popular”
Help her discover her passions/strengths
Watch TV ~engage in social media together
Point out positive female role-models
Expect RESPECT
BE the EXAMPLE you want your daughter to
COPY
Resources
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Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by
Michelle Anthony, Reyna Lindert, Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., Reyna Lindert, Ph.D.
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Queen Bees & Wannabes
Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of
Adolescence
by Rosalind Wiseman
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Dr. Michelle Borba’s Reality Check www.micheleborba.com/blog
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Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
Websites
www.kindcampaign.com
www.becauseiamagirl.ca