Human Resource Association
of
Central Connecticut
Managing Conflict
Tom Neal
July 24, 2012
Managing Conflict
Discussion Points
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
How to Avoid Misunderstandings
Dealing with Difficult People
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Managing Conflict
Definition
Conflict: A disagreement between
two or more individuals or groups.
Managing Conflict
Conflict
is
Inevitable
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict
Resolution
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
1.) Withdraw: No Way:
Avoid the conflict by pretending that it doesn't exist,
or refrain from engaging in what seems to be an
inevitable argument.
If the conflict is not addressed and resolved, it will
inevitably grow.
Although not considered to be a positive approach to
resolving conflict, conflict avoidance is recommended
when the potential for harm exists to any of the
parties involved.
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
2.) Give In: Your Way:
Accommodate your partner by accepting her/his point
of view or suggestion.
You allow the other to have his/her own way.
Giving in does not address or resolve conflict.
Continually giving in can erode your negotiating
position in future conflicts.
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
3.) Stand Your Ground: My Way:
Compete with the other party and ensure that you win
the argument.
You stand your ground and decide not to give-in on
any points.
This is a competitive style of conflict management
which offers short-term gains but lacks the
opportunity to create working relationships which
could offer long-term advantages.
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
4.) Compromise: Half Way:
Find a middle ground in which you both give up some
ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied.
The risks to compromising include obtaining
something you don’t need while leaving something on
the negotiating table that you do.
Managing Conflict
The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
5.) Collaborate: Our Way:
Talk and listen to the other party.
Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of
agreement.
Ensure that other parties understand and
acknowledge each other's positions.
Consider ways to resolve the problem without any
concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration
can result in long-term gains such as committed
relationships.
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid
Misunderstanding
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid Misunderstanding
In conflict situations, avoiding misunderstanding
takes a lot of effort. Roger Fisher and William Ury,
the authors of “Getting to Yes” list four skills that can
improve communication in conflict situations.
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid Misunderstanding
1.) The first is active listening. The goal of active listening, they
say, is to understand your opponent as well as you understand
yourself.
Pay close attention to what the other side is saying. Ask the
opponent to clarify or repeat anything that is unclear or seems
unreasonable (maybe it isn't, but you are interpreting it wrong).
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid Misunderstanding
2.) Fisher and Ury's second rule is to speak directly to your
opponent. This is not considered appropriate in some cultures,
but when permitted, it helps to increase understanding.
Avoid being distracted by others, or by other things going on in
the same room. Focus on what you have to say, and on saying it
in a way that your opponent can understand.
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid Misunderstanding
3.) Their third rule is to speak about yourself, not about your
opponent. Describe your own feelings and perceptions, rather
than focusing on your opponent's motives, misdeeds, or failings.
By saying, "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your
promise," you will convey the same information, in a way that
does not provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your
opponent.
Managing Conflict
How to Avoid Misunderstanding
4.) Fisher and Ury's fourth rule is "speak for a purpose." Too
much communication can be counter productive, they warn.
Before you make a significant statement, pause and consider
what you want to communicate, why you want to communicate
that, and how you can do it in the clearest possible way.
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that
Difficult Person
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
Difficult people are insecure. They want you to think and live like
they think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel
better if you are tense and unhappy.
Here are 7 facts you can use when difficult people are on the
prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
1. I am not an actor who must obey your script.
The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you
get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that
you get stressful and frustrated.
Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim!
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
2. I just cannot afford you any more.
This fact reminds you that some relationships carry much too
high a price. You have to let go.
There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot
afford the relationship any more.
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful.
Here is how you can heal your perceptions.
This fact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength.
Work with this fact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom
and self-command.
You'll never again cringe before an angry person.
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
4. You don't know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from
you.
You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed
in it, you're above it now.
You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an
immature adult.
With this fact, your life is in your power!
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
5. I will not injure you by doing your work.
Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load.
They are difficult precisely because they have refused selfresponsibility.
We harm adults when we do things for them that they must do
for themselves.
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
6. I sense a lot of anger in your gloom.
This fact is in the same category as number 3 above, "I see your
rage as childish, not forceful."
It is called "reframing." Reframing teaches us to see things
through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective
method for self-renewal.
It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times.
But we have to be wise!
Managing Conflict
Dealing with that Difficult Person
7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone.
A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It's what
they want, not what you want. With this fact you can stay in your
own clear skies.
If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what
can they do about it?
The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative
ropes they toss.
Tom Russell
Managing Conflict
The Cost
of
Unresolved Conflict
Managing Conflict
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Conflict Can Be Physically Painful

Research on social exclusion shows that the pain of loneliness and
social rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that
processes physical pain.

This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one can actually be
physically painful.

If you're involved in a relationship that includes significant conflict and
repeated feelings of rejection, you probably already know that you're
also experiencing physical pain on a regular basis.
Managing Conflict
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Unacknowledged Conflict Can Still Hurt You

Relationships in which people ‘never fight’ aren’t always as blissful as
they seem.

In real life, conflict is inevitable, and resolving it effectively can often be
a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them
closer.

Relationships in which anger is suppressed and unacknowledged by
one or both partners can actually be unhealthy -- literally.
Managing Conflict
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Forgive and Forget:

If resolving the conflict seems impossible or too costly to attempt, you
need to protect yourself from the long-term effects of unresolved
conflict.

It’s probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go.

Forgiving doesn’t mean opening yourself up to being wronged again or
that you have condoned the behavior that created the conflict.

It means that you have decided that carrying the weight of anger and
frustration associated with unresolved conflict is too heavy a weight to
continue to bear.

You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future
without actively harboring resentment, and you’ll be the one to benefit
the most.
Managing Conflict
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Cut The Person Out of Your Life:

If what the other person did was abusive and there’s absolutely no
remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you
can severely limit your dealings with this person, or cut off contact
altogether.

This is normally a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it’s
sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.

In any event, in relationships that may cause harm to you or others,
limiting the number victims may mean removing yourself from the
equation.
Managing Conflict
Truth springs from
arguments amongst friends.
David Hume
Managing Conflict
Tom Neal – tgneal@tgneal.com