Introductions
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Name
County
Years involved with 4-H
Hot Buttons
– Post-It Buttons
Today’s Lesson
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Conflict
What Mediators Do
Learning & Mastery
Attitude & Mindset
Tools
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Acknowledgment
Restating
Reframing
Summarizing
CONFLICT!!!!
• Defining Conflict
• Causes of Conflict
– Values related Conflict
– Relationship related Conflict
– Structural or Positional related Conflict
– Data related Conflict
Conflict
• What have you learned about conflict?
– How was conflict handled in your family?
– What happened when there was conflict at school?
– How are you affected by culture, religion and other
influences?
PUSHING
• People position themselves in various patterns, like
an ATTACH-DEFEND Cycle, when in conflict.
Blaming language, entrenching, emotionalism and
other behaviors add to being stuck in the pattern.
Learning strategies for cutting through the patterns
is an invaluable skill in working with youth.
PUSHING
• When you push on someone, they are inclined to
push back. *we don’t always know what constitutes
a push to someone else.
• Our intentions behind words and actions may be
very different than their impact on another person.
• Blaming is sometimes the easiest way to avoid
responsibility
• We sometimes operate in reaction, based on old
patterns, instead of creating responses based
from thoughtful consideration.
PUSHING
• Our listening is distorted when we are in
conflict, we hear through filters like
assumptions, expectations and emotion.
• We may lack perspective and/or skills to work
things through collaboratively.
What will you remember from the
pushing activity?
Learning & Mastery
Don’t know
what you
don’t know
Know what
you don’t
know
Know what
you know
Don’t know
what you
don’t know
What Mediators Do
• Create a safe environment
• Listen and elicit information
• Assist parties as they clarify meaning and define
issues
• Problem solve through option generation
• Facilitate negotiations
• Record agreements
More than Going from Dispute to
Resolution
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Uninformed
Agitated/Angry
Confused
Misunderstood
Nobody
Blame
Huh?
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Informed
Calmer
Clear
Understood/Accepted
Somebody
Responsibility
Aha!
Attitude
How we THINK influences
what we SAY and Do
Mediation Mindset
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Objective
Non-judgmental
Accepting
Trust in the youth
Re-define Control
Does not “assume”
Check our own baggage
BE FULLY PRESENT!
Can You Let Go of Your Own
Needs…
…and Listen?
Listening Like a Mediator
• Remain detached mentally and emotionally
• Refraining from advice giving, agreeing or
disagreeing
• Maintaining an awareness of your body
language
• Patience
• No judging or blaming
• Sincerity
Mediation Toolbox
Listening
• To hear
– Content
– Emotions
– values
Responding
Bridging Differences
• To acknowledge and • To promote
understanding
clarify by
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Paraphrasing
Summarizing
Questioning
Reframing
Reflecting
– Summarizing
– Questioning
– Reframing
Acknowledgement
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Listen and hear others where they are
Let them know you have heard them
Acknowledging is not agreeing
Acknowledging does not mean you give up your
view point
• Requires recognizing where you differ and
where you might agree
Why Acknowledge?
• Can soften an attitude enough to change
stubborn to willing
• People want to know you have heard them
• Prevents escalation in a conflict
• Encourages conversation and avoids blame
Acknowledging Skills
• Acknowledge both feeling and content as
appropriate
• Use objective clear language
• Start with a variety for statements:
– So for you
– If I’m hearing you
– From your point of view
– You sound
– You seem
Restating and Paraphrasing
• Say back exactly what someone said or say back
in such a way to retain the meaning with minor
word substitutions
Restating and Paraphrasing
• Why?
– Translate
– Clarify
– Facilitate Negotiation
– Acknowledge
– Create Movement
– Elicit More Information
– Model Objective Language
Reflecting
• Reflecting is acting as the objective mirror.
– Why?
• Provide those involved with an opportunity to:
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Agree and say more about what is going on for them
Help them feel acknowledged
Let them agree or disagree and clarify
Allow them the opportunity to explore their feelings
Validate their feelings
Create movement
Facilitate negotiation
Reflecting & Emotions
• If you hear “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you
are getting something other than a feeling level
response. “I feel like he is wrong” is an opinion.
Try reflecting back what you may hear
underneath the thought – maybe you can
uncover the emotion.
• Sometimes people are not willing to resolve the
issue until both their thoughts and emotional
content have been acknowledged.
Reframing
• A person frames his or her point of view by
describing issues, creating context, choosing
language and defining meanings.
• Reframing is a skill. By putting a statement in a
new frame we can make it more constructive,
less offensive or negative and more
approachable.
• Reframing restates negative statements without
changing the intent and interest.
Reframing
FROM
• Negative
• An Individual Problem
• A Threat, Blame or
Attack
• Past
TO
• Positive
• A Joint Problem
• A Level of Concern
• Future
Without Changing Its INTENT!
Summarizing
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Review
Acknowledge
Clarify
Negotiate shared understanding
Re-Focus
Buy Time
Tactfully Interrupt
Translate
Helpful Phrases
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When you need more information
When you want to reflect feelings
When you want to summarize
When you want to generate options
When you decide to do a “reality test”
Summary
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Conflict
What Mediators Do
Learning & Mastery
Attitude & Mindset
Tools
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Acknowledgment
Restating
Reframing
Summarizing
Questions