The Highly Healthy
Marriage
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I) Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
The number one problem in marriage =
“Self-itis”.
William Harley - Marriage Counselor:
Beliefs that encourage self-centeredness
destroy marriage.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
The number one problem in marriage =
“Self-itis”.
Symptoms of “Self-ITIS”:
I = Immaturity
T = Time Choices
I = Insensitivity
S = Stubbornness
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
Treatment of “Self-itis”:
Get some “PEP” in your relationship!
P = Priorities (get on the same page)
E = Expectations (define expectations)
P = Patterns (get lifestyle patterns together)
Understand love temperaments!
Understand love languages!
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
The Five Love Languages
1. Verbal affirmation.
2. Quality time.
3. Touch (affectionate
touches and hugs).
4. Service.
5. Gifts.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
Reflecting:
In what specific areas of your relationship with
your spouse do you find yourself behaving or
thinking selfishly?
What specific symptoms of self-itis can you
identify in yourself?
What kind of expectations do you have for your
marriage and your spouse? How can you begin
communicating those expectations?
Do you know your and your spouse’s
temperament and love language?
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II) Thou Shalt Cut the Apron
strings
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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron strings
Cleave to your spouse:
Like glue.
Like boats on a lake.
Cleave to a covenant.
Leave parents – Cut the Apron strings
Cut the “Counseling Strings.”
Cut the “Economic Strings.”
Leave past people, past problems, past
places.
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Thou Shalt Cut the Apron strings
Reflecting:
On whom did you depend most before you
were married?
How has that prior relationship affected your
marriage?
Describe the greatest bond between you and
your spouse.
What strings need to be cut and how?
What in your past needs to be left behind?
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III) Thou Shalt Continually
Communicate
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Thou Shalt Continually Communicate
Hindrances to Good Communication
Schedules
Children
Television
Fear of Conflict
If a husband and wife never have any conflicts,
one or both of them is dead
OR
they are not communicating.
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Thou Shalt Continually Communicate
Levels of Good Communication
Clichés
Just the Facts
Opinions and Convictions
Feelings
Communicating Needs
You are married to a foreigner (someone who thinks
and talks differently and who is from a different
culture).
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Thou Shalt Continually Communicate
Reflecting:
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate the communication in
your marriage.
How are you and your spouse at
communicating your feelings and needs to one
another?
Describe some hindrances to communication in
your marriage.
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IV) Thou Shalt Make Conflict
Thy Ally
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally
Marital myths
Good marriages do not have problems.
Conflict hurts good marriages.
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally
Do’s of Good Communication
Try to utilize your faith (pray, meditate, read
Scripture).
Live with your spouse in an understanding way.
Listen to your spouse.
Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
Make confession and forgiveness a priority.
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Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally
Reflecting
How has conflict resulted in strengthening a
weak point in your relationship?
How did your parents handle conflict when you
were growing up, and how has that pattern
affected you?
Were they peacemakers or prizefighters? What
about you?
How do you need to change to make conflict an
ally rather than an enemy?
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V) Thou Shalt Avoid the
Quicksand of Debt
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of
Debt
Over half of all family breakups in America
stem from money – too much, not
enough, poor management, big bills,
interest, credit problems, bankruptcy,
etc., etc., etc.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of
Debt
10-20-70 budget
First subtract taxes and tithe.
Second, place 10% in savings, retirement
or investment (pay yourself),
Third, use 20% for debt reduction,
Then, use the remaining 70% for operating
expenses.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of
Debt
10-20-70 budget
How to overcome greed
Learn the secret of admiring without desiring.
Learn the secret of giving stuff away.
Learn the secret of being generous.
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Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of
Debt
Reflecting:
What is the driving force of debt in your family?
What purchase are you currently considering
that would increase your debt? Why do you
need it?
What percentage of your income are you giving
to your faith community?
How much is your current credit card debt? Non
credit card debt? What steps are you taking to
get out of debt?
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VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual
Temptation – Online and
Otherwise
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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation
There is a divine design for sex.
Treat sexual temptation like a deadly
disease.
Run, don’t walk, from sexual temptation
Stay off the “online” roof top.
Intimacy takes time, good timing, and time
away together.
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Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation
Reflecting:
Discuss your definition of sex? Is your definition
more “designer sex” or “cultural sex”?
What “roof tops” tempt you the most? What is
your “flight plan”?
What grade would you give the intimacy
(sexual, emotional and spiritual) of your
marriage? What would improve things?
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VII) Thou Shalt Forgive Thy
Spouse – 490 Times and
More
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse
Harmful responses to wrongs
Retaliation, rebellion, accommodation
 Healthy response to wrongs
Forgiveness
Establishing healthy boundaries
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse
F = Forgiving is highly healthy
O = Organize Your Thoughts by Writing
R = Review Your Experience
G = Give the Boot to Anger and Regret
I = Invest in Removing Resentment
V = Victory Comes in Forgiving Others
I = Increase Your Gratitude for Past Pain
N = Navigate to Inner Peace
G = Give Comfort to Others
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Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse
Reflecting:
In what specific areas of marriage do you have
the most trouble forgiving “seventy times seven”
times?
What usually blocks your willingness to forgive?
Are you willing to walk through the F-O-R-G-IV-N-E-S-S acrostic with me?
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VIII) Thou Shalt Keep the
Home Fires Burning
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires
Burning
Stages of marriage:
Honeymoon Stage.
“The Party’s Over” Stage.
“The Best is Yet to Be” Stage.
This stage requires looking for and working for
mature love.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
1 Corinthians 14:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is
not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres. Love never fails.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
 Mature Love is:
Patient. I put up with the imperfections of my
mate.
Kind. I perform acts of kindness for my spouse.
Joyful with truth. My love grows out of a base of
honesty and integrity.
Trusting. I believe the best from my spouse.
Full of hope. I hope for the best from and for my
spouse.
Enduring. My love lasts through even the
toughest of times.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
 Mature Love is not:
Jealous. Instead, it rests secure.
Boastful. Instead, it refrains from building itself
up.
Arrogant. Instead, it humbles itself.
Self-seeking. Instead, it puts a spouse’s needs
and desires first.
Angry. Instead, it refrains from rash outbursts.
Looking for paybacks. Instead, mature love
forgives, even when treated wrongly.
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
Mature Love:
But, most of all, love never fails!
Instead, I’m always there to support my
spouse.
Oprah interviewed Billy Graham:
Oprah: “What’s the secret to your wonderful
marriage to Ruth (of 56 years)?”
Dr. Graham: “We are happily incompatible.”
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires
Burning
Working toward a mature love:
Speak blessings
Open up and confess
Change yourself and not your mate
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Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires
Burning
Reflecting:
How important is it to you to “work” in making
your marriage a happy, passionate, loving one?
In what stage of marriage are you today? What
steps do you need to take to move on to the
next stage?
Take the “love test” of 1 Corinthians 13.
In what areas of love are you strong? Explain.
Where are you weak and what can you do
about it, starting today?
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IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again
and Again
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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again
What’s the secret to marriage survival?
Thou shalt begin again and again. There
are 6 steps to beginning again:
Acceptance
Attention
Adjustment
Amnesty
Appreciation
Affection
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Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again
Reflecting:
What three things would you do differently if
you could start your marriage over?
Which of the six steps to “beginning again”
does your marriage need the most? Explain.
Would you consider your marriage warm and
loving, hot and cold, or dry and barren? In what
ways?
Have you hugged your spouse today?
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X) Thou Shalt Build a
Winning Team
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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Team
Components for winning teams:
Deciding to build
Building the team
A competent architect
The right coach
The players
The intangibles
Fan support
Determination and commitment
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Thou Shalt Build a Winning Team
Reflecting:
If your marriage were a college football team,
where would it be ranked?
In what areas does your mate need some
coaching? What about you?
How do your family and friends provide fan
support for your marriage?
What is the greatest strength of your marriage
time?
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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy
Marriage
I)
II)
III)
IV)
V)
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Thou Shalt Not Be Selfish
Thou Shalt Cut the Apron Strings
Thou Shalt Continually Communicate
Thou Shalt Make Conflict Thy Ally
Thou Shalt Avoid the Quicksand of
Debt
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10 Essentials of a Highly Healthy
Marriage
VI) Thou Shalt Flee Sexual Temptation –
Online and Otherwise
VII) Thou Shalt Forgive Thy Spouse – 490
Times and More
VIII) Thou Shalt Keep the Home Fires
Burning
IX) Thou Shalt Begin Again and Again
X) Thou Shalt Build a Winning Team
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